Highlights: Coffee roasting one last time before the trip with Lauren. She hydroplaned iinto a curb on her final stretch home this am, resulting in a bent steering component on the front left tire. No injury to herself or others. She's rolling with it. Jen and I dropped in briefly at mom's before heading to Ridge with Matt. Stunning rainy/cloudy skies from on high. And wine. I finally found and replaced the headphones I handed down to Tommy years ago.

Insights: I miss him, but I don't. Is that even possible? I don't like the sense of disconnection while seeing it as a critical growth opportunity to “right his ship”. My response to Lauren's accident was to guide and support her, something sought and requested. She's so hard on herself sometimes... I have no idea where that came from. I grow more and more excited about the job, which I start on 6/5. That Mark Hollis quote on podcast about “The Spirit of Eden” was a powerful reminder that the art of music is not meant to be experienced as a background and in accordance the QC35’s are a long-desired return to better sound quality. After next week, resuming the writing of the book needs to be my top priority, perhaps even over this nightly recap. Perhaps.

Highlights: Having Lauren here when I returned from Minnesota. Hiking with her and Jen. Signing the Stanford offer. Seeing "the Sheep Detective" (again) with Lauren. Heavy rain at Happy Hound. How happy Jen is with the space for us to be alone. Learning that her brother kept the photobook.

This trip to see Steve and Diana with Matt has been a good one. I had been struggling with the timing and navigating the emotion and drama surrounding Tommy's eviction. It has helped me get some much-needed space and reminders of how little of my full identity is contained in this incident and this individual. That's not meant to be at all dismissive of my deep attachment and genuine love for him. It's simply not all I am, have been or can be. To have spent so much of my time and energy trying to make sense of and influence change in anyone other than me feels like an abandonment of my own ideology. How I respond, including walking away from abuse and disrespect solely for the fact that I will not tolerate it in any manner, models integrity and self-respect.

Heading to Minnesota early tomorrow for a much-needed change of scenery. Leaving my laptop at home. Taking my writing tools and phone. But that’s it. That’s enough. It’s more than enough, really.

I spent the evening at the Stanford Sunday while Jen had a friend over for dinner. Girl talk was of interest. "To Catch A Thief" & "Rear Window" were right up my Alley. Both were wonderful as was the experience of sitting at the absolute rear center of the theatre. Doing so changed the experience from watching a movie to watching an audience watching a movie. seeing the entire floor filling in, hearing the responses, watching the engagement. It's why I want to be a part of this experience. As I told Lauren on my drive home, It feels like the atypical moment of an older man's career path ending with a part time position doing something they have a passion for, and not out of necessity Lauren also shared an employment related tidbit regarding her brother having secured a full-time job working on a neurological research team at Stanford focused on pediatric oncology. I was (and remain) speechless. It's still sinking in. It means that at least there is an opportunity for him to not just "make a living" but to get further integrated into the area of interest that has been his desire. I don't believe this would have happened had we not have forced him out of the comfort zone that was his routine living with us. I could be wrong, but there was no indication of anything to the contrary. Today, Monday, was relatively low key. We went to see "The Devil wears Prada 2”, and it was enjoyable. We also picked up paint for the front bedroom. It's still weird not having Tommy around, even with all of the drama. The transition was sudden and painful. The house has a lifetime of memories. Several. not all of them good, but more good than not.

We had the honor of being guests at Jack and Judy's 60ᵗʰ Anniversary dinner tonight. Their son's, Matthew and David, were both there along with their respective families. We were one of two couples not directly related. When asked what they attribute to the success of their marriage, Jack said shared values, and Judy said friendship. I looked at Jennifer with such gratitude at that moment, and felt it returned in kind. When his sons spoke of their respective memories, I felt a pang of loss and envy at the regard they hold for all of the sacrifice that parenting requires, and how it is never fully understood until you yourself become a parent.

Irony can be found in the conflicting outcomes of the two respective screenings.

Coffee with Mark @ Starbucks, Jen joining post-hike. A productive visit to downtown Palo Alto included time retracing historical steps from 1990 until today. Back home saw wall prep for repainting the front room. 

Insights: I am finding it valuable to be alone with my thoughts. The assumption that he is unable to sit comfortably within his own thoughts sans distractions brings up a hand full of memories shedding new light on old experiences. It's akin to rewatching a movie and catching aspects of the characters and storyline you failed to recognize the first viewing. He and I are cut of the same cloth, woven through two decades with their mom and later, Jennifer. What a dramatic shift in material the last five years has been. I remain influenced by the habitual deference of my own needs for theirs, making the reaching of this recent turning point all the more dramatic. Its brought about my ongoing pulling on these threads in an effort to unravel the fabric I so unwittingly adorned.



Hiking in Big Sur with Jen as a "spur of the moment" date pulled together on short notice. We had both never been. It's beautiful there, yes, but no more so than all the stunning parks a fraction of the distance away. Castle Rock. Montalvo. Henry Cowell. Mt Madonna. We really live somewhere wonderful. I want to make it more routine to venture out. Tonight Lauren conveyed an observation about her brother that validated my own intuition around his need to get comfortable with living alone. It's a critical step well beyond his comfort zone.

Highlights: Jen went to visit Valerie while I laid low at Pano. Lunch with Brian wasn't in the cards, and I rolled with it. He was wrapped up in other tasks and running late. I don't wish to be an interruption to other priorities so we punted. My day proved productive and restful, too. The garage lights are fixed and extended. The power outage (tripped breakers) This morning was a test of my patience and frustrations. The sprinkler issues that followed 8-hours after the power reset was a re-take of the same test, and I did much better. I took Jen to see "the Sheep Detective". We enjoyed it. It was a sweet and enjoyable diversion. 

Insights: It's still painful to accept how quickly my son has left my life. I recognize it having been my decision. I remain confident it was the only way to get clear of a dysfunctional dynamic. It still seems surreal. Was there ever a recognition on his part of how worthy of his specific respect and gratitude I truly am? I like to imagine it's in there, somewhere. This estrangement may be the space it needs in order to surface.

Lauren called mid-morning to ask if I wanted to go to Vegas in the first week of June, a week she has free between school and starting 8-weeks of work at a camp for visual/hearing impaired children. One thing led to another, and by days end, we’d made plans for a short 3-day jaunt to Kona. We will be focused on local points of interest and hopefully some serious lounge time. Jen and I went on an 4-mile evening walk through Belgatos! I think we will be doing such things more often as the weather improves.

I am attached to our home, my health, family and friendships, all of which are temporary and the loss of which is inevitable too. And thus too is suffering. I suffered greatly living in my own home with an inconsiderate and disrespectful presence, yet I suffer too in his absence, aware of the short-sighted impulse-driven nature of his actions and the consequences they will have. Neither behaviors were within my control, neither were mine to manage beyond my tolerance and acceptance of his presence, and now the thought I put into it is anticipating any fallout of his actions from afar. This is all his own path, his own choice, his own opportunity. My suffering is my thoughts of worry, care and concern for his well being. I spent a lifetime, his, protecting him by default, to a fault, and this experience has to be his to navigate if he is to learn and grow. I need to stop looking down his road and realign with my own. Showing and setting firm boundaries of what I accept and expect from others in consideration of what I give of myself. I must protect my own dignity and integrity while never again affording anyone abusing it the access to continue doing so.

Highlights: Time spent realigning with Medicare planning. Mom's bloodwork visit (status quo at month 27). Seeing "The Holy Grail" in a theater for the first time since it's original release. Coffee with a friend proves to be an impromptu PTSD support group.

Insights: It's felt like a crazy swirling few weeks. To be back on the patio in the morning with a warm drink, the fire, and the sound of the Han echoing from the zen center on the hill above Saratoga via Zoom, all feel familiar, comforting, and reassuring that chaos can be momentary. Yet so can contentment and peace. In my recurring analogy of life being a Pachinko machine, I completely lost my marbles. I let a massive emotional impact knock me off my feet. I let fly a quiver of second arrows. Third, fourth, and fifth as well. I have yet to filly doc­ument what happened, but hope to soon. I am still striving to comprehend the loss while recognizing the illusion of having had anything more than hope. This is a brutal thought to give truth too-yet I return over and over to the funds coming in and going out, and the vast disregard to its intention, and its use.The abuse. That at one end and the utter lack of respect in the discarding of the "Do Not Disturb" sign spans years, incidents and severities. The bridge fully collapsed under the cumulative weight.

Highlights: an early rise as Jen went out to walk. A calm meditation, reading and reflecting. Errands. Mom's follow up at Pain Management. Insights: I was consumed last night with angst again, recognizing that, from my perspective, Tommy's racing head first towards a brick wall. The reality is that there is nothing I can do to stop it. No degree of confrontation, unwanted and disengaged counselling, no financial assistance (which would only enable his behavior more). And no fucking way will I ever let him bring his dysfunction into our home again. Ever. We are finally regaining peace in our home. Much needed peace. Jen feels 150% aligned yet does not hold the dread about his oath that I do. She expects he will manage and work out his needs and his life as he always does. Hopefully that will mean a job and enough bad experience to learn to better managing finances. My views and opinions are based heavily on a need to heal and to strengthen my resolve to not be played and not to feel a responsibility to rescue. I am deeply torn and conflicted between a sense of compassion along with my habitual pattern of justification and forgiveness, to utter disgust and anger at the degree of abuse and disrespect I endured for as long as I did. Disgust is taking the lead.

Highlights: Listening to "It's Not You". Getting more time organizing the garage. Jen's an amazing cooking. A return to “the Y" to exercise. Walking from and to Leigh. 

Insight: All of the above, along with a warm shower, may allow for a better focus, mindset and direction. They are all helping me recover and recognize that my actions were protective while painful. They were also insanely reasonable actions given the tolerance and efforts made recursively over several years. I am still shocked by how fast it happened. I can't imagine where this we go next, by my focus is that it goes healthier than the path we were on.

Highlights: Lauren came down last night, after work, to stay with her brother. They were to spend the day together until late afternoon, at which point she would come visit us before returning home. I was glad for this. I feel that Tommy has difficulty being alone, something I know from my own experiences. This is a big change for him. Yet she was free after 12! So for whatever reason, she came early, we played cards, she returned midday to see him a second time, then we met once more at my mom's for Aqui. We did not get into any discussions about the move-out. Her support and regard for each of our respective positions is a balanced and mature one. I still welcome constructive feedback. My efforts to sift through and consolidate the vast array of tools went well and will continue tomorrow. 

Insights: The past few weeks have been filled with drama I can directly attribute to having had much of my own reading and efforts to incorporate philosophy into my daily actions get displaced by the churn. Words are words and recitations are echoes. Embodiment by action and example are the true measure of progress. Day two back at the house, and first day back on a routine of reading and reflecting. My resolve, still raw, is to stay ambivalent and detach from the ideals and fantasies I have clung to that someone might eventually cease their abuse of my best intentions. Did Jay? No. I dug up old psych evil from age 8 that was powerful to read. The difficult part is sifting through what may have been based on Linda's direct and worry-filled perspective. Perhaps though there was plenty of basis for the underlying indications of an evolving dysfunction. At what point do I, as a parent, release all “responsability" for any role I held in actions or ignorance, at least enough so I do not endure continued attacks and disrespect? I am not Nicole. This stops at my door, and at any point devoid of civility and respect. I have to acknowledge that caring for and having a familial love is very independent of liking someone's behavior, actions, and character.

Highlights: Howes Your Coffee above the Novitiate – EPIC spot and wonderful return to ‘the norm’, as if such a thing is possible given the nature of what threw it off. I’m glad Mark’s a good friend, that his son and Tommy are friends, and that regardless of the drama, we have managed to maintain a baseline of support and encouragement for all. I have no interest or inclination to undermine my son’s network and connections. None of this is about harm; it’s about egregious disrespect and breaking points beyond disregarded boundaries. I put time today into fixing the door and floor, sifting through garage remnants, and a handful of household tasks from tree trimming to installing new smoke detectors throughout. It’s weird being here without his coming and going. It’s something we have anticipated and ached for but would have preferred to have been more collaborative. It never would have, though. There’s so much more than I've managed to capture here. I don’t know if or when I’ll do so. It’s too difficult to revisit right now.

I can only hope that the end justifes the means. I’ll sleep tonight, for the first time in over a week, in my own bed. I used to wake at the sound of Tommy coming home. It was an annoying comfort to know he was back, safe, sheltered and hopefully, felt all of that and love as well. I will miss that so much, it has played a role in our return timeline. I have been dreading it. The sequence of events leading to his moving out will likely be a trauma for us both for a lifetime to come. I vascilate between a loss of hope and a release of angst. As I told a friend last week, this is harder than the divorce, or Linda’s death. It’s a degree of “Tough Love” and firm boundaries he had never faced and I never set. He may hate us for the rest of our lives, but this may be the most pivotal moment of his own. He will only grow, through this, without me. A dinner conversation reminded me of Boulder Insights, and how my best intentions and efforts matter more than anything. I’m but a key figure in his own story, as he is in mine. This was all going to happen, because it has.