Lauren had an early start this morning, and after walking Scottie, which went reasonably well considering his recent demeanor, I dropped her off at her work and drove over to SRC. I brought my laptop. Tommy arrived a moment after me. We spent about 30 minutes with Linda together. He was sweet, loving, and relatively patient, which can be difficult as she's not very patient in return. It's the disease and the effect on her synopsis and processing. But it's also the lack of a filter.  I continued to work remotely from her apartment until Kathy arrived around 12.30. It was good that I was able to be there. Linda talked a little and repeated a lot. She responded to my questions with brief words. It was hard to get her to speak, which is something I'm trying to initiate. A few sentences, a story, a memory, anything would be welcome. She slept a little as well. I helped her with her lunch when it arrived, helping clean her hands when they went into the meal. She struggles with dexterity and vision, so it's not uncommon. Ice cream, of course, followed. I took off, went home, changed, and headed over to the oncologist appointment, where I met Kathy to discuss the treatment with the doctor. He's a great and compassionate man, which I respect. We wanted to discuss what comes next and when we might stop treating an incurable situation. I was pretty blunt about it, and it's hard to say it each time I do, but if she's going to die from this, I want her to go as gracefully and painlessly as possible. I think hospice is the next step. She's had one of two treatments, and the recommendation was for 2 to 3. The MRI will follow the 2nd treatment in two weeks. By that point, we will know if her noticeable descent stabilizes, and the MRI will show if the medicines are making any significant difference. At that point, if it's not showing signs of slowing, there's little more to do. I struggle with being in a position to influence such a decision. But knowing how this will progress and the many awful things that may occur, from seizures to blindness to speech issues, is a horrible option. I don't consider it humane to try and keep somebody as aware and lucid as possible while their brain shuts down their body in any number of unpredictable ways. At least we left feeling more informed with an initial plan that includes the flexibility to change direction if warranted. Lauren made Garlic Chicken Parmesan for her mom and friends tonight.  We took it and dropped it, lingered about 20 min and talked with her and her friends. The nurse put the kibosh on wine for Linda due to medicine-related risks. That made sense.  I took Lauren to Kohl's tonight to shop for school clothes, and she did awesomely. I gave my opinion a couple of times but with zero pressure. She picked out a bunch of stuff, bought it, and returned to Matson. She was so thrilled to see Jen's car there so she could show it all off. It was adorable. Tommy was out and about, as usual, playing hockey and spending time with friends. I'm trying to relax and not hover, but it is hard when he's out until 11 pm, not knowing if he's safe or not. I guess this is just a part of parenting. Letting go. One tablet with each meal for Lucky didn't seem to make a difference in my Benadryl test. I might pause it for the weekend. Jen is dog sitting at a friend's home, and I'll be there for most of the day.

A little momentum can be a lot of motivation.

Today was an exhaustively long, draining, and demanding day. It felt at times like watching a "comedy of errors" movie. The pace felt frenetic at times. I'm sincerely proud of myself for having remembered and acted on a recent meditation and a technique of recognizing feelings as transitory and removed from yourself. It worked. And I needed it to work. The day started with a bit of foreshadowing. I rose on time, which was critical, given that I had a 7:45 appointment for the removal of the stitches on my face. I'dI'd run my usual routine last night, and although I managed to fill the reservoir, I overlooked the empty filter left beside the coffee maker. Yep. 10oz of hot water were waiting for me. I set that task aside, and I  went ahead and initiated my real-world testing of Benadryl for Lucky. Evening walks with him a humiliating, embarrassing scenario. He is chaos incarnate. He pushes my patience to its limits. That canine seriously needs a chill pill, and I gave him one. I did some research and even talked to a vet I know about this a while back. Now I was putting it into action. I started small. 1/2 of a 25mg tab conspicuously set in plain view within his bowl of morning chow. Of course, before dishing it out, I had to get Scottie, who'd not come out yet. Jen was in the bedroom, up, but Scottie was listless, which is highly unusual when food is in the equation. I set him down. He somewhat lethargically lumbered out to the kitchen and ate. But slowly. Slower than usual. It was concerning. I told Jen about it while getting ready to head to my appointment. She'd started the coffee in the meantime, so I had some java for the drive. At one point, as I was leaving and she was on a call, I mentioned the concern again and wondered if he was feeling sick. That usually results in something existing his system, quickly, through one of two main offices. She took him on a walk, seemingly begrudgingly, so there was some tension between us when I left. That's not common at all. I got to their office early and surprisingly found nearby parking. They got me in and out in short order. All looked good. They are a well-coordinated team. I returned home and found there'd be little/no change in his demeanor. My 9 am call went well. I then offered to run to GOBM to get the necessary supplies for making dog food. Jen's got the process down. Lauren came along. We got the food Jen needed and returned with just a little time left for me to check in on work demands before driving Lauren to her job. Tommy called as we drove home and shared his upset over his mom's current condition. He was visiting, and she was "pretty cold to the touch and not able to respond to anything I'm saying." " He called, and I talked to him and then to her, and then I told him, off speakerphone, that this was something we had all observed. She's not at her best in the mornings. It'sIt's sad, tragic, but nothing he should be alarmed by. My God, this is all getting so fucking real. I had asked Jen to call the vet and check if this might be related to his recent vaccinations. My google searches indicated it was too long ago, even though it was two days ago. Issues surface within hours, not days. She was stuck in meetings and had not when I left again. Juggling this with work tasks via my phone as much as possible, I took Lauren to work. I drove out to the 1st of two ''senior living'' facilities that Kathy had found and wanted my opinion. It was bleak, dim, and surreal. The "activity room" was a complete oxymoron. The occupants were old, very, very old, and sadly looking abandoned and hopeless. A TV played some random soap opera while people started blankly into space in random directions. There was no care, here. It was simply death's waiting room. It broke my heart, and it would crush her spirit. Her accommodations would be the farther section of a shared room in which you'd have to walk around them and their bed and belongings to get to her' her' quarters''. I could go on and on and on. I drove away, called Jen, and did my best to contain my tears at the prospect of her spending her dying days in such a situation. She had previously suggested I quit my job and get paid to help her out via Kathy and her retirement funds. She was serious. Now, I was starting to think she was onto something. I then called Kathy and said I'dI'd come to SRC where she was and talk to her. I visited briefly with Linda. Her anxiety and fear are increasing. She knows she's facing something serious, and she's scared. Kathy and I ended up going to look at the 2nd location together. We agreed about it and ultimately about both options. Neither is ok. So we talked over my ideas and discussed things more, deciding that it might be best if she would remain at SRC. We met and spoke with Betty Lou, the administrator, to clarify our expected paths, plans and coordinate ideas about ensuring Linda is not a fall risk. We're seemingly at a standstill on this, but she told us she would talk with another staff member to get more input about any other concerns. (There'sThere's so much more detail and nuance to this, and to the day that I'm, I'm just setting aside so I can wrap this up.) Kathy and I also discussed earlier how the situation before us isn't about ''saving'' or ''curing'' choices at all. "Making the decision to let somebody die" isn't that, if they are dying regardless of your decision. The role you play is essentially related to what they might experience and perhaps have to endure on that certain path. We returned to Linda and told her we did not like the options we found. Kathy told her she felt it was best to stay here longer, and I said she had to not get up on her own or risk falling. She complained about people repeating that to her. It was frustrating, as she was trying to manage her rapid consumption of ice cream using a large spoon with what would equate to a full scoop on it. I don't know how to find the amount of patience helping her would require. I don't know that it's in me. I suddenly realized that I had barely time to get to Matson, grab Scottie, and head to the vet. I did just that while juggling further work needs via Slack on my phone, including some painful and frustrating dictation issues. Once I had the dog and was on my way, my CEO decided it was a good time to challenge and question my estimated LOE on a relatively simple task. I had to defend myself at stoplights or by dictation. I managed to make it work, but it was just plain insane that I was doing so. I put about 30min into my entire workday. This is not sustainable for them or me. Scottie was anxious and panicked as one might expect a dog to be at a velvet's office. Lauren walked over from her nearby work (~20min) and joined us before the vet came to check him out. He checked out fine. They gave us a 50% discount on the emergency service, which was greatly appreciated. We headed home. He enjoyed having his head out the window along the way. Once home, we tried talking to him for a walk, but he meandered and fought against doing so. We put his food bowl down, and he came to it but walked away. Jen thought they wanted to eat but was having trouble for some reason, so she sat and hand-fed him. THEN she realized he must have gotten hurt coming in a door or the open window when wearing his cone. With his plate raised, he ate happily. Linda called, and we talked a bit. I told her I'd call later, tried to but got no answer. I hope she was given Xanax. Bonnie wrote myself and Kathy expressing her concerns and feelings about her obvious decline and anxiety too. After all this, I sat down and started trying to work through the thought process to help more. Could I do it? Really? I want to say and think I could, but I also know what a massive challenge it would be. And what a rewarding experience it could be, too. Love is watching someone die. I want to find some way to do all I can without it costing me, my kids, and my marriage, my presence. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I'm going to try to focus on work as much as possible, but I may try and do so from her apartment as a trial run to see what it might entail, were I to be solo and responsible for whatever comes up.

If you turn away, you won't face it.

Jen and my 3 am conversation made getting up at 6.30 a challenge. I made it up, though. And then I returned promptly to bed. In advance and retrospect, it always looks like it will be or should have been simple. At the moment, though, groggy and drawn to the possible comfort of another 30 min sleep, that's a tough call to resist. I caved, but only for about 30 min as anticipated. I ended up rising because I'd realized I had not set up the coffee maker as usual. Once up, I carved in a single mediation and walked Scottie with Jen. It's one of our 'sacred routines' that allows us a bit of time to connect and talk over whatever might be on our minds. It's typically me talking, her listening. I'm trying to be more conscientious about that. She warrants equal time and needs it as well. I had to head out early to get some Philz before dropping Lauren at Pano. She and Kathy were going to visit Linda, and a representative of the board and care home they'd looked at yesterday was coming to SRC to observe Linda. I preordered a hot chocolate for Lauren, a coffee for Kathy, and one for Linda, too. We stopped at Noah's en route. And the coffees were waiting when we arrived at Philz. Hazelnut. And dammed good, too. They took off as I started daily scrum from the living room at Pano. The coffee was excellent and not mine. It was Linda's. I'd forgotten that and drank it instead of sending it with them. I went through the recycle bin, filled w/all the crap from my 2-day purge, and shifted the contents between two so they'd not be too heavy for pickup. They have weight limits, as I recall. I found a few things to hold onto, too. I'd set aside and re-read a poem Lauren wrote in what she told me tonight was 8th grade. She also said she was angry when she wrote it. It was and is a very revealing set of thoughts. I set it aside so she might have it as an adult to reflect on. From there, I stopped at Hospice of the Valley to talk briefly with them about their services. 30+ min later, I had a head full of details, and Kathy called with her update. I drove to SRC, and we talked outside for 30+ min about all the various options. She and Lauren went later to visit one of the other options, as the evaluation this am determined her needs were too much for that specific facility. I returned and discussed things with Jen. She evangelized the idea that my leaving my job and doing 12hr/day shifts as a caregiver to Linda. It's something I want to pursue as a possible 3rd act in my future, but this has a lot of baggage and complexity wrapped up around it. I agreed to consider it and raise it to Kathy as an option for her to consider too. Meanwhile, they loved the facility they toured and felt optimistic about it. That's encouraging. They want me to see it tomorrow to give my input. I thought that was considerate. I'll be doing so tomorrow after getting the 2nd MOHS stitches removed. Jen and I went to Matt B's to play virtual cards with the regular crew. We had some technical difficulties getting Sheila online again. I had issues as well due to the login cookie expiring. Still, it was fun, Matt put a nice spread of keto options out, and we enjoyed reconnecting. He gifted me a Sous Vis and Sealer set, which was kind and generous. I'm excited about it. We're going to try it out and have him over in 2 weeks for the next game. I talked to Linda for about 10-15 min. She was more talkative and coherent than usual. She asked that I help with checking out this facility, and I said I was already going to do so tomorrow. She also said she didn't like the infusion process, and it made her anxious to consider going again. I did all I could to reassure her that we'd make sure the care facility was good and the infusion gets managed well. She called a couple more times afterward, repeating the same things. I listened to some more of "Being Mortal' on the patio, then Lauren joined me, talked about various things, ate a Habit burger, and we returned inside. There are still June bugs out. It's almost August. Jen was buried in school work but said she got things done. Scottie still needs coning as we try to get his scratch to heal despite his incessant licking.

I set my phone in the master bathroom to charge last night, with the alarm set to 6.30. I did so to try to ensure I would at least get up to turn it off and hopefully not return to sleep. It worked. I got in a couple of meditations, but my mind was elsewhere for too much of that time. After walking the dogs I headed over for my oil and transmission fluid changes. I thought I'd scheduled the earliest possible appointment but there were 13 others there waiting in the service lobby. I guess they open earlier. Jen was a few minutes behind me and returned me to Matson to work. Work was fine. Lauren took off to help Kathy all day w/her mom. Jen and I worked together to make a fun breakfast using ham, eggs, and ramekin dishes. It took a few tries to perfect. I love when we do such things, they're little moments of connection, collaboration, and discovery. These are the things that make what we have something I treasure. She's been stressed and spread thin with work and school. We're both very eager to have the kids returning to school for their senior year, as it means we will get the house back in ways we've not had since covid forced them to attend remotely, and since their mom's medical situation landed them with us 24x7. We need this space back. Picked up my car and enjoyed that it seems to run smoother. It's up to 157k miles. I love Hondas. I used the balance of my loyalty card to pay for most of the bill. Scottie's vet visit went reasonably well. Routine shots and such, with added focus on a 'hot spot' he's been licking raw. Took Lauren to the Great Mall to clothes shop. Tommy had asked me to go with him to Gilroy first but we'd not have made it in time, while the other place was open an hour later. He wasn't into that option, though, and went off to do other things with friends. Lauren found a pair of pants she liked at the Gap, without my or Jen's help. Talked briefly to Linda. Picked up the Rombauer Chardonnay for later this week. Talked a good deal with Kathy about the need for her to have the right level of care and the denial of her going into SRC medical care. She doesn't need "medical" care, she needs memory and mobility-related care. More consideration has to be given to the options. One is a board and care within 3 minutes of Matson. But it's still a painful and difficult decision to make, as it's just another step towards her condition diminishing. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

It's rewarding to be just busy enough to feel productive, but not so busy that I end the day exhausted. Today was one of those days. My MOHS surgery post-op hasn't been anywhere near as difficult to endure as the 1st was. When I visited my mom after the surgery, she gave me some Alieve and said it had helped her with sleep issues. I tried it last night and slept reasonably well. Neither of us is at all inclined to get into addictive routines, or perhaps we're too conscious of them to allow them to occur. I woke up feeling tired, more so than usual, and I don't care for that. I like waking up and feeling clear-headed and rested. I've missed a few days of meditation, including this morning. I'll be trying to work that into my am tomorrow; however, I have an 8 am auto appointment to constrain things. I'm getting the oil and transmission fluid changed. My weigh-in was disappointing, 3rd day on a plateau. At first, I felt discouraged, and then I remembered that this is just part of the process. I frequently went through it in my prior effort. Onward. I did well today, so we'll see how it plays out in the AM. Tomorrow is a PSMF day. My being at the auto mechanic will give me a chance to have an extended fast.. Work was good, meetings went well, and the workload is feeling a bit heavier. I will have focused time tomorrow too. After 2 pm I went to Pano and continued the clearing effort. I filled a recycle bin. I have to split the contents between the two because it's so heavy they might reject it. I threw out a slew of just play 'trash'. Mostly paperwork. Everything from bills and school flyers to draft divorce documents, notes she'd written about various things related to job searches, the kids, and many things related to finding happiness. It's so tragic that it seems to have been a lifetime goal to find something that was always internally and not manifested by something or someone else. I went to help her after her Avastin treatment. Once I helped her get into her car, I ended up giving a nice couple a jump-start from my CRV battery. Their truck died. She mentioned my bandages and thought I was there for cancer treatment myself. Once home, Lauren made Chicken Picatta again, using Chicken Thighs, which don't cook quite as thoroughly as the breasts did. it was a learning experience. I enjoyed it. She and I went to Costco and got a good selection of foods, including Tommy's much-requested croissants, the thick rectangular ham he had been asking for, and a bulk package of sliced cheddar. Along with various other things. I'm letting him take a portion of whatever he wants from this to Panorama, too. I completed the audit of his use of her KPCU card, summarized it, and sent to Kathy w/a proposal to pay $218 and consider it resolved. I'm stopping his weekly $50 for four weeks to recover the funds. He's not asked about it yet, but when he does, I'll explain why. I'm proud of him, though. He's been going to see his mom quite frequently. He's not shared too much about his feelings, and i'm not pressing. I've learned it's better to wait and then respond. I'm hoping he's ok. Going through some of the paperwork, I found some psych evaluations done when she was worried about him (when wasn't she) that reflected on anxiety and insecurity they were seeing. Along with lots of positives too. Balancing all this, from the divorce to living with his mom and clashing to living with me and fighting. I have to remember he's still developing maturity and insight and empathy and awareness. Hippocampus, is it? The year is barely half over, and it's been dominated by Linda's situation since the end of February. So much has changed in our daily routines and lives, yet I continue to feel like a selfish fuck when I say that and then look at her, and what she's facing. I still don't know if she even fully understands what she's facing. I believe she does. I saw some photos from about a month ago earlier when finding and sending some images to Kathy, and it brought home how significantly she's degraded in that short time. It's harder to judge day-by-day, but I suspect people who don't visit her often will see a more dramatic change. Jen watched a show tonight on YouTube called "Soft Underbelly" about Appalachian people and their stories. Jesus, it's stark. If I need anything to make me feel fortunate about my upbringing and opportunities, that's enough.

Sat: Jen AM GOBM turns into Crema. We miss each other. I want to put time into tomorrow for us to do something. Linda 10-1.45; sleeping, removed, 5 out of 10. Kathy broached the funeral topic. Very apprehensive - did NOT want to talk about it. Doubt she’ll ever accept and reconcile this mess. Cathy/Jon visited, Austin visited. Kathy/I had a good talk about Tommy’s use/abuse of the debit card, clearing out Pano, her finding things of family heritage/value. Talked as well about Chris, Jennifer, my views, and her views. We heard each other and respected each other's points of view. That’s all I can ask for. Got my iPhone 7 replaced after issues with NFC arose. Spent the pm and next day jiggling handles as settings needed revisions. PITA but nice to get a new unit all the same.

Sun: Got details around Tommy’s use of Linda’s debit: ~$300 range. I told him last night and this am to not use it again and …. He still did. Then he reached out wanting to talk about school clothes and weekly food funds. Jen/I discussed and agreed on a fixed amount for each for clothes for the entire school year for shirts shoes shorts pants. Pretty simple. Tommy came home and we gave him the simple story, then I asked him to show me the deleted apple pay for his mom’s KPCU card. He deleted it then and there and lied about having done so earlier. He shrugged off that there were two charges this AM. I didn’t dive into that issue further as I needed more data and auditing. I have that worked out now. Meanwhile, they both now have funds and to his credit, he’s finding ways to get deals which I appreciate. And what this is about. Jen and I spent some time just meandering through LG together after dropping Lauren. Felt good to have some 1:1 time for awhile. I went to Panorama afterwards and cleared 3/4 of the crap around the dining room table. Filled the recycle bin 3/4 or so. Set aside all I could find that was or might be of importance. Photographed what I took and explained why in an email to Kathy, as well as pointed out what I thought might be of interest to her. Went to SRC. Kelly went earlier in the day and reported a really concerning experience but when I arrived and Kathy was there already she was doing pretty well. Still, she pissed me off towards the end and I had to stay conscious that she’s not all there. However what pissed me off is core behavior stuff, not tumor stuff. It’s a huge challenge to manage this. Returned and Jen was not having the radiation mask in the house. She said it was ‘bad energy’. WTF? Still, it’s not something I had a strong desire for and even passed on until I saw it in the recycle bin and thought ‘maybe there’s a point in keeping it’ and I’d just take it for now and hold until I worked out what that point might be. But I tossed it based on Jen’s discomfort. It’s a symbol to me of this experience and it’s intensity. Grim yes, but real. Yet I have photos and those won’t be something Jen has to have in a place she’ll stumble across or be disturbed by. Comprise works, this time. :-)

It's a been a few days between posts. I'm wrestling with a lot. Tommy's unbelievable treatment of me, the changes going on for Linda, the demands on my time, and more. I crashed hard last night after a sleepless night beforehand. Had the 2nd MOHS surgery on my face. It went well, nothing as traumatic as the first was. The codine-tylenol helped with that. It was good to finally sleep. The stress of everything is starting to feel like PTSD. One of my daily podcast selections are focusing on "giving" this week, and the reasons behind how and why people choose to help others. I want to look deeper into that. I also need to balance how much I take on. I got Lauren from work at 2.30 and dropped my iPhone 7 off at Apple store for a new battery and new screen. It's a great phone still, my needs are more than covered by it, so it was worth the modest investment to extend the battery life and I figured I'd just get the cracked-but-functional screen replaced once and for all. Kathy reached out about Linda's worsening condition and wanted to talk about what I though her funeral wishes might be. It's surreal to be considering that, this all still feels so inconceivable. But it's real and will be getting really real, real soon. I'm trying to keep the kids conscious of that but I know they each have their own views, perspectives and struggles. Perhaps I should focus more on "being there when they're ready" vs trying to initiate conversations. We did have a very pleasant time w/her at SRC tonight w/the wine and cheese and several friends came too. Still, at several points, she looked at me in a way that felt like an acknowledgement that her life has taken a drastic and dramatic turn. I suspect she's also terrified about the unknown. I had a pretty direct response to some text messages posted by KV this am to the group thread, implying that my comments upset her and I should pretend all will be ok. I made a point of clarifying things and the need to move from false hope to compassion and support. Jen and I went ot Mark and Wendy's to hang out and catch up. It was pleasant and a nice break. Jen needed it right then more than I did, she's cooped up and the chance to socialize was not to be missed. The night ended w/us returning and she and the kids having a really warm genuine exchanged filled with laughter. It struck me that I did not recall having such an environment with Linda and the kids, ever. It was just a very different dynamic with what felt like more pressure and expectations and such. It's just weird to notice how different two people can be and what those difference bring or take from another's experience.

The Rubber Meets The Road

My son borrowed it to go camping with friends and returned last night. He returned refreshed and in good spirits, which was great because he needed that. And today, he was gone most of the day doing work at "ExtraHour" and playing hockey. When he returned, and while we were coordinating a trip together to Costco, I asked if he would clear the camping gear out of the car, and he said, "I'll try," which typically means he'll delay it awhile because he has other priorities. Right afterward, he walked by us both, and we gasped for air because he'd been working out, and he stunk. So bad that I didn't want him stinking up the BMW, so I said, "We're taking the CRV," and he asked why, so I told him. Very diplomatically, very "matter-of-factly," that we didn't want to stink up the BMW. He got indignant, called me a "C**T" twice, amongst other things, and walked into the house and closed the door.

Took Lauren to the farmers market in the AM, just to walk about, then dropped her at work before going to SRC to spend some 1:1 time w/Linda. I was hoping we'd have some more in-depth discussions about her medical situation based on her call last night. That didn't happen. She was relatively quite and distant. I feel like it's a deep depression setting in based on her coming to terms with things. Once Kathy arrived I returned to Matson and ended up crashing, hard, for about two hours. Jen made PSMF meals today, and I enjoyed them all. I'm optimistic about this effort. Down to 212. It's a start. I listened to more of Amoralman. I got Lauren from work and we ran back by SRC to drop ice cream off and to let Lauren try the dress they got for her photo recreation. I don't understand why it's being pursued but I'm letting it go. I need to let a lot go. I got frustrated with my mom's calls his evening, all worked up and in tears over dealing with and email issue and Comcast. Life's so short and hearing her so frustrated hits a nerve and sounds familiar. I was also at the end of my own rope regarding everybody's incessant need for my time and attention, fixing things or validating their experiences, when I just want to focus on my own tasks and projects. I hate being in a constant cycle of interruption. I want to help, too much some times, and I've set unrealistic expectations that now have to be reset. I have to be more aggressive about saying NO. That's hard sometimes. Often, actually.

The only thing slightly positive about weighing in at 213 is that it mildly satiates my obsession with patterns. My "all in" 4 week focused Keto Kickstart began today. After dropping Lauren off at 11 o'clock I went over to my mom's to spend time helping her around the house. After my cousin's visit, it really struck me how time is passing as is my opportunity to be of help to my mom. However, she did share having taken an online quiz stating she'll likely make 98. Still, my help is needed. I swapped out the water filters and asked about setting up her old scanned. The conversation segued into the 'view master' collection of family photos she had, and how to scan them. At first, I didn't think much of the need or idea. We have so many photos of the family already. But once she showed me the large box stuffed with them and the first trial scan revealed images I'd never seen, the value was clear. We found a simple way to effectively scan them and once she's done so, I'll help with the next steps. Returned home, made Jen the Caprese dish I'd had last night after picking up some Boratta – it was excellent. We trimmed and bathed Scottie and she made an awesome dinner. I picked up Lauren and returned to hang out. We talked about summer concerts, birthday trip ideas and colleges.

Tommy headed out to Pinecrest, in a positive mood. Lauren and I spent the day together since her weekend's full w/work. Stopped for a quick visit with Linda who was tired and sort of out of it. We drove to Pacifica, down 1, up to have lunch at Alice's, back down to 1, through Santa Cruz, and hwy 9 back to Saratoga. Cereal for dinner.

I'm a creature of sentimental habit. For some 30 years, give or take, I've traveled a familiar road to a friend's home on occasion and routinely aligned what's playing with the name of the street before I turn right. It's something I do as often as possible, just like listening to New Years Day on January 01. Just like listing to ELO's Concerto for a Rainy Day on the first big storm each year. It's a ritual. I did it tonight while heading to an incredible dinner of Buratta caprice salad, steak, and grilled veggies. We watched "No Sudden Moves," and I could not have enjoyed it more. The art of filmmaking, cinematography, and set design was on full display. What an excellent film. What a work of art the meal and evening was. I needed a break from the chaos and cacophony that has been my existence since 2/22, and this was a welcome reprise. Tommy was in full-blown bucking bronco mode throughout the day, trying desperately, manipulatively, and cruelly to put the blame on anybody other than himself that his A4's repairs were anybody's responsibility other than his own. I did all I could to remain as grey rock and still waters as possible throughout the repeated instances of lamenting and scheming. Ultimately the realities set in, and at this point, he'll hopefully resolve it with less tension after taking a much-needed camping trip to Pinecrest with Carl and Eric. Work was good. I think I did well in my role and engagement. Lauren worked most of the day and will most of the weekend as well, so I'm taking tomorrow off so we can have some outing before then. Kathy and I had a good honest discussion about Linda, about Kathy's health and home demands, about the level of care necessary, and how she got to experience today some of the severe and concerning behaviors I've recently encountered myself. It's sad and tragic, and I can only do so much or expected to do so much. Still, en route home, I returned her multiple calls, and she seemed lucid, scared, and aware of the limited options before her. Although I tried to be encouraging, it's hard to do so, and it's essential, to be honest. "You're doing all you can" is about as optimistic as one can position it. It fucking sucks. I'd not wish this on anybody, and for all my issues with our marriage, this is not who or how I expected I'd start facing death in my sphere of connections.

Cold morning, used the firepit for mediation warmth. Died. Ran the numbers and found that a full propane tank got us about 12hrs of use, which breaks down to about $0.60/hr. Well worth it. Talked to Linda A LOT today. Her tone and demeanor is almost comotose while others report lucid and upbeat experience. WTF? Lauren's seen both. Is this a brain related delta or audience related? Hard to say. I'm inclined to err on the side of compassion but still, it's odd. I'll check in once in the am, set the expectation of no contact until PM, and stick to it. Work was good, a decent pre-planning session, but after that I feel into a lull. I'm drained. I am really reading a breaking point. I'm about to, and I need one. Run to pano turned into a failed attempt to visit Linda, with Tommy riding along and getting angry at my frustration w/the lack of parking. Returned home in total silence. I can't argue any more. I'm worn out. Lauren appointment at Phelps Cohen was quick but also took my eyes off work. Will focus hard on work tomorrow. Got Jen's supplies for dog food, helped clean up after. Firepit time to unwind as the next there days have plans queue'd up.

5 Descriptive Words

I was thinking earlier today about how there is likely a difference between how I see myself, how I want to be seen, and how I’m seen. I thought it’d be interesting to just capture that in five descriptive words, in no particular order (thus, alphabetical).

MUCH better sleep on couch last night, having abandoned the 2x3 layout and going instead for a full extend "L" via the ottoman. Actually got a decent sleep. Awoke, did meditation, walked dogs w/Jeri, said our goodbyes. I love her like a sister and this was a really good visit. I felt like we had some good moments of mutual appreciation, exposure, honestly and reflection. I wish we lived closer. Maybe someday we will. Who knows. She/Jen gel'd well, which was a bonus. Tommy and Lauren came to SRC w/me to attend Linda's appointment. The results were discussed and it was as upsetting as you'd expect such news to be. I accompanied her back to SRC for her Optune appointment. That had to be rescheduled so her hair could be properly shaved by Kathy tomorrow. I retuned home for a bit and back again w/Lauren and Tommy later after getting some Thai Orchard take out, walking the dogs and bringing Jen up to date. She's struggling to put it all into context and come to terms with this. There's a lot more to say but I'm going to limit what I write here beyond that it's a horrible situation and that I'm hoping my kids will be able to navigate the road ahead. We'll be on it with them.

Slightly better sleep on the couch setup w/Jen but far from perfect. 3am catfight didn't help. Low key am, lingering about the house w/Jeri. Loved having her visit. Timing was perfect for the need I have for the week ahead. We sat on the patio and had coffee, enjoyed a late light breakfast and I took her along on a drive w/the kids through Saratoga and back to Bear Creek and through LG. In n Out burger before dropping Lauren at work. Tommy brought my mom over for me and we had buffalo and sesame seed wings. Sending Jer home w/a 2015 Malbec and a Renwood Zin. Watched the tribute to Paula and found it wonderful and moving. Hoping we will find more opportunities for visiting and staying in touch. And I need to start making weekly trips to my moms where I do something to help her out. Going to try and get some sleep, will need it going into the day tomorrow.

Pretty epic day as far as activities go. Didn't sleep so well on th couch, pretty restless due to gerd issues, heat and fan noises.  Didn't get nearly enough sleep but toughed it out. We made it out early, after walking Scottie, and hit Muir Woods right at 9.30 without any serious traffic issues. The walk was awesome. Jen and Jeri hit it off and talked a great deal but I tried to remain in the moment and really be present within the magnitude of this forest setting. I even made an effort to just touch a few of the trees, high up, where there seemed to be more life, and just feel the sense of something so old and alive, and so instrumental in the survival of our planet and species. These groves are up to 2K years old. That's worthy of appreciation, IMO. We "meandered" back home, deviating to explore Fort Baker, then Baker beach, Hwy 1, Pacifica, and through HMB to 92. Napped, much needed, until we headed to The C Restaurant in the Clairmont on Cannery Row. The meal was phenomenal. Cetralla level. Exelempary. Took a 2015 MR Malbec and the recent Renwood Old Vine Zin. Both were wonderful. Long drive down and back but worth it, and filled with great conversation. Tommy helped managed a situation with Linda where her cell phone was disabled, retrieving it for my triage efforts tomorrow. Hoping I can revive it and get it back to her asap. I'm so grateful to both of them for their flexibility this weekend. Tomorrow is a low key day without any plans beyond just hanging out and doing whatever. My mom's coming for dinner in the PM.

Relaxing day off. Picked up Jeri at SJC, returned to Matson, enjoyed some leisure time catching up, took the party to my mom's, with some Aqui to go, returned to some wind down around the fire pit and called it a night. Muir Woods tomorrow AM.

An Opportune Reflection

Linda called me 21 times overnight. That's half her all time record. 

Austin texted me as well, passing along that Linda was trying to reach me and saying I should call her. I've had these texts from others: Golida, Bonnie, Kelly, Andrea, and more. She calls Lauren when I don't answer her and insists she get me on the phone.

It’s infuriating at times. It’s not sustainable. But adding understanding and compassion into this makes it at least understandable. That’s a challenge at times. The support group says that being a caregiver is a marathon, not a race. And that you don’t know it’s distance until you reach a finish line you can’t help but dread.

Two good meditations this morning. Always like doing those. It's a good way to start the day. I only wish I could get through every day maintaining the perspectives, but that's what there term 'practice' means, I guess. It's never-ending. The 2nd mediation was interrupted by a call from Kathy D that Linda had fallen, was ok but was being taken to Good Sam for evaluation. Tommy went to be with her, on his own accord. She was ok and he drove her back to SRC afterwards. She said he drove well. Lauren and I went at lunch, took a replenish of ice cream, and we waited for her to get her haircut so we could encourage her and help her with the wig made from Lauren's hair and the hat options we brought too. She did well. Launen made hot wings, they were excellent. I took a break from nightly wine as the GNO got punted which allowed me to clean a lot in advance of Jeri's visit tomorrow. Attended the Palo Alto Support Group. That went well and yet it drives home a degree of foreshadowing to hear some of their struggles. Linda's mentioned thinking it would be worth attending one if it would help her be less scared but the reality is it's a mixed bag, and I told her some people have positive stories and some have struggles. Ultimately, after next week, a long may change and I'm struggling with it. I'd not want to be removed from this experience but it's hard, and painful, especially under all these circumstances. It looks like Kathy may delay her trip out, which will be all the harder come Monday's appointment. I'm glad I'll have the day off. I'm glad I'll have some time w/Jeri and Jen this weekend. I'm glad to be able to do what I can, and the reality check this has all been for me is something I want to keep conscious of. Like the sand between my toes. Oh, and Lauren also made sugar cookies. Yum!

Lauren, Linda & Tommy @ The Wine Cellar 7/6/21

So glad to have pressed for Tommy and Lauren to 'crash' Linda's dinner w/friends last night. Even though the location moved from The Basin to The Wine Cellar, they made it and got included into the evening for it's entirety. The MRI appointment Monday was a pretty exhaustive one for her and myself as well for various reasons. We had some good conversations. I heard yesterday that the results aren't good. The complexity of juggling optimism and encouragement with reality and insight she's pressed against hearing makes this far more complex than one can imagine. It's almost impossible to convey. The kids are doing their best and after having made the effort last night, Tommy ended up going to visit her again this am and even helped with her PT. Tomorrow she'll get her head shaved in prep for the "optitune" device she'll be using starting next week.We dropped off the wig made from Lauren's hair on Tuesday. I think that'll drive home more of the realities, so Lauren and I are going to go visit tomorrow early afternoon to give her some further encouragement. Jen's been so understanding though all of this, even reading up on things and praising me for the efforts I'm making to help all I can. She's keeping me sane and honest too. This wasn't what she signed up for but she's as making this something we are experiencing as an extended family and I know the kids love and appreciate her for it. Work was good, a few meetings and such. Cut my hair down to #4 for the summer and feels great. Came across the 2018 Renwood Old Vine Zinfandel at Costco on sale for $8.99! We had it at Mark/Wendy's when Mark's dad Don brought it and it was the favorite of all. We bought a case. We have too much wine but it'll be a great option for sharing at all sorts of occasions throughout the rest of the year. I felt like I used my time well today, although I find I'm still getting 'flustered' as I juggle parallel demands and kids and calls and errands and such. I need to revisit some earlier posts about "react-defenso-man" and anger management. My two weakness. Meditation helps but only when I'm actively doing it. Oh, and today I learned that Scottie absolutely loves Reblochon cheese. Fascinating. 

Not a fan of fireworks

Visited Linda w/Lauren before dropping her at work. Jen and I went on a road trip to explore Martinez. Really interesting downtown. BBQ at Mark//Wendy's. Don brought a Redwood Old Vine Zinfandel that was just awesome. Added to my list of things to look for. Returned to find Scottie in full panic mode over fireworks. Sad. Keeping this short tonight. Looking forward to a day focused on some 'next steps' of organization at home tomorrow.

I had a good night's sleep and relatively early waking, too. I snuck out of the bedroom around 6.30, something I like to do to avoid the dogs waking and losing their shit over the prospect of breakfast. Since the floorboards beside "my side" of the bed creak, I have to apply discipline and acrobatics to reduce that. It worked. I got out, got coffee, even staged the dog food for Jen, and did my morning mediation. I decided to punt tomorrow's mediation sessions, even though I'm interested in doing another. Still, my home routine is working well for the moment, and it's a big commitment for the entire morning. I went to my mom's to 'virtually' attend Paula's memorial. It was nice to see so many people there and to observe the ceremony. Technology is impressive at times. David and Julia's efforts to include my mom and me via video were greatly appreciated. I picked up the retaining wall bricks from Pano for our use at Matson for the planter box. I also bought the battery-powered blower to use on the sofa in place of having to plug in the louder and more cumbersome shop-vac. But the power difference is noticeable. For clearing leaves from the couch, it'll do. But the hassle of charging batteries will be equal or greater to the hassle of a power cord. I might look for other options. Stumbled across and greasy enjoyed 1970's "Pieces of a Man" by Gil Scott Heron. How have I gone my whole life without having heard this? Martin Ranch was fun. We picked up our shipment and, as usual, added to it. Ian shared that our LTV was $6k! OMG, that's crazy. I had no idea. Dinner at Cetrella was, for the 5th time, I think, as good as always. They are just so reliable. We shared our last 2014 Malbec, and everybody had a great time. We even shared a bit of patio time with the kids as well. Today was another good day of experiences, adventure, connections, and presence.

Birthday Weak

I had intended to take this entire week off and call it my "60th birthday weak." Instead, due to competing demands for my time, I opted to focus on these 3-days as my "60th birthday weakened."

I turned 60 today. It feels a bit surreal. I've thought more about aging during the past five years as I likely did in the preceding 55. I was up at around 4.30 am due to feeling the after-effects of splitting three bottles of wine between 4 people last night. As I sat there contemplating the milestone at hand, I also thought a good deal about what I want to focus on going forward. A couple of thoughts came to mind: "All Action, No Talk" and "Still Waters, Grey Rock". The first being about turning the tables on my grandiose intentions and complacent inaction. The latter related to managing the dynamic tensions and triggers between my son and me. And to a lesser extent, my daughter. And to an even lesser extent, the rest of the world in its entirety. I spent the rest of the morning getting some of my ideas and thoughts organized, at first in bed and then reclining on the patio sofa w/Jen in the armchair across from me. Both kids wished me a happy birthday. Tommy bought me my favorite bagel sandwich, salmon, at the Bagel Basket. We managed to have a relatively harmonious day across the board. Jen gave me the painting she'd coordinated w/Cheryl. I like it. She looks great, and I look fat and effeminate. But it's intended to be a whimsical image, a bit of a cartoonish caricature, and it captures a child-like connection between us. It's growing on me. She felt a bit upset because she perceived I was not fond of it, but that's not the case. The intention, effort, and thought mean the world to me. I appreciate what she did especially given her history in prior marriage with negative responses to gifts. Lauren worked 11-4.45. Jen and I acted on my desire to tackle some decluttering and worked through the kitchen, then the living room shelves, and the patio setup. It felt so good to work together and get these things in order. We lingered about, I caught up on some lost sleep, and Tommy ran errands of his own. I consciously avoided turning on the TV to prevent getting too idle, though. Tommy and I got Lauren, and we swung by SRC to see their mom. She had called me at least 39 times before I stopped counting, even while responding in texts that I was not available, trying to contact when I could with no success either. It was crazy-making, but she's struggling with time, with impulse, and more. She had arranged to have Tiramisu there for me, a thoughtful gesture that I gave up trying to prevent after three days of insisting she not. It made her happy to do so. Both kids noted her seeming frailer. Tommy echoed my frustrations that she's not getting more aggressive physical therapy, which I later passed on to her sister. We had enchiladas (Costco) for dinner, got some Sees Candies (TYVM B&PL), and spent the remainder of the evening on the patio. We relaxed for a few hours there, enjoying the warmth of the firepit, the crispness of a warm summer night, and the crackling sounds of June Bugs making contact with the bug -zapper-swatter in Lauren's hands. I heard from my brother David, Matt C and B, Karen, Melissa, and even Jon Blyer popped up. It was an excellent day all around.

Sixty Years On

I have not 'felt' my age for some time. Perhaps for decades. And until this last decade, I haven't felt I looked it, either. Sixty, as I imagined it half a life ago, was, well, unimaginable. Sixty implied wrinkles, age spots, prune-ish fingertips, a lumbering gate, drooping jowls, and an ear cupped by a hand against a cocked head while muttering "Eh? Speak up, Sonny. I can't hear you." Sixty meant standing up would inherently include groaning along the way, taking twice as long to urinate, hemorrhoids, anal leakage, and thirty minutes of phlegm-clearing each and every morning. Reaching sixty was a 'golden' age' of silver hair, yellowed teeth, hunched backs. Cardigan sweaters. Loafers worn thin from being skid forward without being lifted. Clip-on sunglasses and pants cinched above the belly button. It meant telling the neighborhood kids to turn their music down, ranting about how people drive too fast, and always assuming some random rascal is undoubtedly up to no good. Early bird specials. Senior discounts, thrifting, and recognizing items from your past in antique stores.

Holy shit. I AM Sixty.

2x meditations in the am went well considering we walked the dogs prior, which tends to result in wheels spinning. Soffaking tired of the routine venting about Linda and Tommy but OMFG they both dominate things way too much. I love him and if he reads this in 10 years I hope he can admit for once that he's been a parasitic asshole. I get being 17 but for fucks sake enough is enough. Mean, rude, dismissive and high conflict can only be tolerated for so long. Anyway, really good work day with a very positive Frakture meeting and some significant progress on Frakture and Reston, VA. I'm so looking forward to a couple of days off. Starting tomorrow. Dinner w/geeks for 1st time in about a year was epic. DCG. Wine was phenomenal, especially the 2013 Ridge Zin. Thank you Jess and Bev. And BL picking up the tab was so generous too. This was a much needed night for me. Laughter, sincerity, comradarie and friendship. I've said before what a great dynamic exists in this "fourum" - it's a beatle-esque environment wherein the sum of the parts combine to make a greater force than the individuals. I'm grateful to have this. The impromptu appearance of Wendy and Jen threw me but was fun and in the end some connections might spawn future gatherings. Looking forward to that. Lauren managed the dogs wonderful, no idea what Tommy did w/his time but hope he worked towards some revenue for his car. Afternoon helping of Linda at Funada appointment was a clusterfuck of timing mishaps and frustration but at the same time, as I told JS, seeing Linda in an incapacitated state really hits home and inspires me to be more humane and kind than I knew I had in me. I'm also glad to know it's there. I hope to nurture and grow that further in the years ahead.