I have not 'felt' my age for some time. Perhaps for decades. And until this last decade, I haven't felt I looked it, either. Sixty, as I imagined it half a life ago, was, well, unimaginable. Sixty implied wrinkles, age spots, prune-ish fingertips, a lumbering gate, drooping jowls, and an ear cupped by a hand against a cocked head while muttering "Eh? Speak up, Sonny. I can't hear you." Sixty meant standing up would inherently include groaning along the way, taking twice as long to urinate, hemorrhoids, anal leakage, and thirty minutes of phlegm-clearing each and every morning. Reaching sixty was a 'golden' age' of silver hair, yellowed teeth, hunched backs. Cardigan sweaters. Loafers worn thin from being skid forward without being lifted. Clip-on sunglasses and pants cinched above the belly button. It meant telling the neighborhood kids to turn their music down, ranting about how people drive too fast, and always assuming some random rascal is undoubtedly up to no good. Early bird specials. Senior discounts, thrifting, and recognizing items from your past in antique stores.
To be clear, not every single item above is autobiographical, and not every experience I have had is cataloged, either. But I am "getting up there." I'm aging, and I am damned glad to be doing so, given the only alternative to not would be to not.
When it comes to writing about my life, methinks I dost protest too much. I whine, lament and bemoan all sorts of random peeves and idiosyncrasies, so much so that my wife compares me to Woody Allen or Larry David. Neither of which is necessarily positive, even though both are writers whose skill and wit I admire, along with Wes Anderson, Charles Kaufman, and others. One of my deeply personal favorite movies is Kaufman's "Synecdoche, New York". I marvel at the genius of creating something so subtle, intricately layered, and deeply human. The protagonist, Caden, shuffles through an abstract and surreal voyeuristic aging process as he witnesses and even directs the latter years of his life, if not the core entity of his consciousness. It's a complex and complicated film to unravel.
I'm writing this based in part on what I find so moving about that film. Life goes by so quickly. My kids are turning 18 in 2 months, and it feels like only yesterday that they were born. Their mother has a terminal condition and might die before the end of the year. Although I contemplate death a good deal, I am hopeful that I have about 20+ years ahead of me. And I want to make the most of it. Life didn't seem to even "begin" until I was 18. I filled my 20's and 30's with adventure, hobbies, and friendships. My 40's and 50's were focused on career, family, confronting my need for change and improvement, and starting a healthier relationship. The following 20 years can be lived well and be deeply rewarding. Provided I stop lamenting or getting triggered in ways that won't change anything for the better. I have so many opportunities ahead.
In that spirit, here's what I'm grateful for, excited about, and/or looking forward to, in no particular order.
- Laughter. I get to laugh a lot in my life, with friends, family, and even pets. I plan to do more.
- Simplicity. I get so much mental space back by reducing clutter and things I don't use or need. I have started looking around and realizing a purge is in order and on the horizon.
- Focus. I sense that the coming years might bring some career changes, perhaps even conclusions, and the chance to reduce the demands and distractions will empower me to put my energy into the things that feed my soul rather than drain it.
- Transitions. As my kids become adults and start on their own paths, my home life will evolve and expand. My path will change too.
- Relationships. Enough has transpired in 2021 alone to realize that I want to foster and nurture my connections with loved ones, friends, and even random strangers. I want to spend more time living in the moment and being completely present.
That is just a high-level summary. I will be putting my time and energy into these things going forward. And with an understanding that neither time nor energy are guaranteed to be a part of any tomorrow. Even tomorrow is not a certainty.