Highlights: Early morning Jikoji visit to help with the Sunday program. It turned out to have been unnecessary give that three others went to help as well, but they'd had an internet outage, which made my presence useful. I restarted the StarLink modem and it came back on. I also gathered all the old Apple airport hardware to donate and clear clutter. I still can't stand all the insects. Come on, fall, hurry up. Jen cooked most of the day doing meal preps like she did before returning to work. All Keto receipts. I picked up a replacement for the lost blood pressure monitor on Craigslist, clean and barely used, for $10. That of course means my original will surface this week. Found and ordered a “two arrows” ring. I proudly resurrected and expanded the health metrics script. It's a good daily reminder for me to see a commitment through and it's also public accountability. Just like the summer of ‘77.

 
Insights: Beyond the bugs of summer up there, I want to get reinvested in Jikoji and the precepts. It's always good to be there and to be reminded of a community that's also struggling to live upright within and upside down society.

⚖️192.6 (-1.4) 👣 9,308 🏃‍♂️33m ❤️60🩸126/73

Mindset: inspired determination. The efforts I've made over the last couple of days are already having a positive impact.
Goals: improve logging of metrics.
Anticipation: helping out at the Zen center with the Sunday program.
Gratitudes: Jennifer and the friendships we have and maintain because of her.

I never heard back from Timex.

Highlights: Jen and Lauren hiked "Devils Slide" in Pacifica with Deann. I spent the morning at the nearby Starbucks slapping down  cup or two alongside a backlog of "meanwhile, across town…' tasks that got blocked by the course change in diet and exercise. I sent my Dr a date change and proposal to retest after 1-month. It'll be a very interesting opportunity to try out the real changes that may or may not occur. Once they returned dragged out skipbo game has to be abandoned in order to get her to the train station on time. Jen mailed in her laptop still feeling an ending but by the end of the day she seemed to already be seeing the opportunity it is to take a break. I on the other hand it's time to ramp up the resume to get something part time or as little as would be needed to get benefits. We saw and caught up with Lindsey at my mom's. Groceries and home after.

Insights: I had and always have grander plans than what I completed but I and proud of progress across a wide span of areas.

Highlights: Pleasant but brief Jikoji planning meeting. Lauren and I visited moms; she has more good photos to review and scan! Spent 30m on the elliptical as part of my new routine. Jen closed up shop with the Intel contract position. Lauren picked up a gift card for Tommy before we meet he and his friend Allison at Kyoto Palace for a family dinner. Fun, but loud and pricey. I won't return.

Highlights: Most of the morning was spent doing a good deal of research surrounding cholesterol science, data, and navigating the breadth of conflicting data that is the interweb. And I thought politics was continuous. Jen liked the vet at Reed. Scottie was left with them to do some lab work while I picked up and took mom to her 2nd chemo. They called shortly after to get permission to moderately sedate him due to his anxiety. He's loopy as hell. Limp and unstable. Peed on Jen while Deann was visiting. Poor guy. He should be back to normal in the morning. We decided to bite the bullet and spend a few k on doing what we can to not extend his life as much as make whatever is left as pleasant as possible. Its a had call to make. The way I look at it, even if he's only for another year, I do sincerely love this little guy. But the financials are poorly timed. I just struggle with accepting he's at the point to be put down. Tommy said we're delaying the inevitable and that's true. We're not the first. Lauren's train ran late but it gave me time to continue the research from this morning. Its always a joy to have her home. Lucky agrees.

Insights: this whole cholesterol thing, bogus or not, hit a nerve. I was reminded while looking at some 2022 test results that I have put on 25lbs in three years, lamenting all the way while obviously not preventing it. My words were abandoned long ago as I slid down the slippery slope of dining out, drinking, snacking on processed food and sugars, and completely ignoring the daily 7 AM committment by 12. No more. This was the faceslap I needed. Effective immediately I am done fucking around. Its now a top priority. The top priority actually, considering that the others in competition for the position don't prevent it or negate it. I will be back under 170 before year-end. I hope to also experiment a bit with a few variables surrounding the blood lipids and lifestyle changes vs medication. I will also revive the daily metrics I would track and post daily as to progress. Lets GO!

Mindset: hesitantly inquisitive. I am working to balance transitions underway, which is a constant for all of us. I want to gracefully navigate those outside my control while applying the same awareness to what I can. That alone feels like a full-time job. And then there's all of the daily upkeep, maintenance, and needs of a family, relationships, property, and responsibilities. How I got anything done with a full-time job escapes me now, although I did. So something has changed. There is a shift and balance. Perhaps a shift in my expectations is needed.
Goals: coordinate and make decisions with Jennifer regarding the steps necessary to attend to Scotties well-being.
Anticipation: Lauren's visit starting this evening!
Gratitudes: while sitting on the patio this morning, I consciously followed the transition of the sun between two branches of the tre. The light struck me and moved back into the shadows over the course of just a minuteor two. It made me conscious of the movement of the planet, the scale of its size and the concept of time passing every day.

Highlights: Howes Your Coffee with guest Dr. T. Board meeting with Jikoji. Mom's test numbers look good. I had the chance to wash her car and measure for the transitions we'll hopefully install next week. Her backyard's been cleared by Francisco and the team of the junipers, and it looks incredible. She's now considering landscaping, and my two thoughts are that it'll give her joy, and the other is that it'll likely be reworked in a relatively short time. I'll focus on the first thought. I picked up Jen (and Matt). Matt gave us a smashburger press, which I'm excited to try soon. We'll likely have him over next week. Jen and I went to Ancora Vino to reconnect and enjoy some nosh and a glass of wine. We ended the day discussing game plans for Tommy's MCAT prep with him.

Insights: My blood work for Lipids returned high LDL, which tends to be a justification for medication. I'm not convinced yet, do not want to take meds, and have requested a coronary calcium scan for more specific findings. I really like him, but I'm dealing with a doctor who may be relying on outdated data, textbooks, assumptions, and legacy beliefs that don't account for new information as quickly as it becomes available. Remember the food pyramid? Yeah. I'm going to start exploring some aggressive diet changes as probable next steps while conducting further research this weekend. Assuming my heart holds out. :-/

Yet Another Turning Point

It's been a challenging couple of days, for a couple of reasons—namely, my son and me. You see, we have this agreement, these 'house rules' if you will, related to expectations while living with us as an adult while going to college, rent-free. They're simple rules, and quite reasonable to Jennifer and me, but seemingly not so to him. And so the agreements flounder and are not met until we remind, and then they're honored. But then not. And we remind again, and so forth.

Releasing the Second Arrow

Perhaps I was responsible for leaving the door between the garage and the house open. It's possible. In my haste retrieving wine for the Marioni's gathering while Mark was waiting in his idling car out front, I may not have closed it entirely, allowing the actively running whole-house fan to pull it open as it routinely does. Still, the unflushed toilet was his doing. So was the food-covered grill scraper being left outside yesterday, an attractant to rodents, raccoons, and coyotes. Similarly, there's over a week's worth of scattered dive gear in the garage, and two wheelchairs have been left sitting on the driveway for over two weeks. All this, along with his continued obstinacy and disregard in response to any observations being made regarding failures to comply with our simple and reasonable conditions for living here through the next year of school, continues to trigger me to a point of disheartened disbelief and disdain.

Following up on my mom's request to coordinate a quote from our preferred gardener, Francisco, to remove an extensive array of bushes and trees from her backyard, I spent Saturday afternoon at her place attending to that visit as well as assisting with the triage of a recent computer scam/takeover incident. It's hard for me to fathom how anybody with any ethics or humanity might find themselves capable of working to gain financially through the act of deceiving an elderly person to get access to their banking information. Still, it's clearly not only a fact that such unscrupulous people exist, but that doing so works. Fortunately, she's not that ignorant and knows better, so she was spared. I walked her through my first-hand understanding of how responding to emails and engaging with websites, petitions, and surveys can inadvertently open the door to more opportunities and risks of being taken advantage of. While doing so, I spotted a nearby container of View-Master slides we'd overlooked when recently sending a hundred or more photos for scanning out. She and I looked at these briefly within the past year or two, including my putting fresh batteries into the handheld view. These are all personal photos, too, from earlier in her life, shot during an era where stereoscopic images were captured and viewed through those handheld viewers, as well as special projectors explicitly made for this purpose. I looked it up as we talked about the need to sort them out to identify which had images worth the cost of scanning and which were not of importance. The cost to scan a single disc of 8 images starts at $15! We glanced at a few of them before taking them to the front room, where we could more easily review them at her larger table. While en route she said I should stop by the den to check out all the work Lindsey had put into clearing it out further the day beforehand. It was jaw-dropping to find it so dramatically improved. Loads of wrapping paper, ribbons and a wide assortment of other related items were gone. These are the sort of efforts that, made now, allow us to understand the contents of importance better and ensure the rest gets redirected to my mom's wishes, rather than ending up someday in a dumpster on the driveway. As we were heading out, my eyes landed on a large, aged box adorned with the "View-Master" logo. Lo and behold, it turned out to be one of those specialized projectors! It quickly occurred to me that, assuming it worked, which according to her, there's no reasons it should not, I could very easily setup a workstation in our guest bedroom with which I could project and review the images on a flat white board and take a clean, clear HDR photo of all but the most obviously unnecessary ones. It'll take time, sure, but I'll enjoy the experience immensely. Unfortunately, it turned out that the box was missing a key element for this - the original power cord! It's a unique circular one that isn't something I would have at home, but was easily found on eBay for $30 with shipping. A fraction of the cost of outsourcing this effort. It's ordered, en route, and I believe the first few weeks of September will include a substantial amount of my time working through this collection. What a find, and how very fortunate it was that the cleaning of the den resulted in the surfacing of the projector just at the time that the discs resurfaced as something to triage. These things amaze me, yet I'm becoming more accustomed to them. Meanwhile, in other areas of interest, as you may know, I have aggressively shied away from having a TV in the house for years now, let alone devoting 2 hours of my valuable time to watching, as I like to point out, others live a life instead of the viewer (me) living their own. But my weakness for old movies, alongside the easy access to the low-cost options at the Stanford Theater, has gotten he best of me throughout the summer and especially over the past few days. After seeing 'Midnight' & 'The Palm Beach Story' Friday night, I returned Saturday to see "Citizen Kane" and "Gilda". This was likely my 20+ watching of Kane and probably the 4th or 5th time at Stanford. I listened to a podcast before attending that helped me catch a subtle nuance I'd either forgotten or never noticed - the snowglobe amongst Susan's belongings in her apartment on the night they met, which plays a crucial role later (no spoilers here, I'll leave that to Charles Shultz). I sat closer than usual to be fully immersed in the visuals, rather than from the balcony or back wall, which was almost worth the subsequent day and night of neck-related pain. I need to remember to proactively consider how even subtle issues, like this one, can persist for 4 hours and cause problems. Kelly and Velma joined me for "Gilda", which I'd never seen before. I loved it and can completely understand how Rita Hayworth was idolized for her beauty and sensuality. We discussed this and lots of other thought-provoking topics on their Patio over wine and cheese afterwards. But wait, there's more. Today saw the geeks (minus Brian, plus Ethan) returning to the Plaza Theaters for "The Return of the King", part three of the Peter Jackson "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. The extended versions. And this one ranged just over 4 hours alone! It was great to see on the big screen with the right sound equipment, and I'm glad I did it. I don't know that I'd do it again like I have for "Kane" and others. The evening concluded with a gathering of friends at the Marioni's for a farewell dinner for Vinny before he heads to Italy for an extended stay abroad. It was rewarding to attend, but I was fried by the end and returned home to some unwanted frustrations and a need just to get some rest and space from conflict, frustration and demands.

Highlights: LG Café breakfast. Dog food production yielded ~6 weeks of meals. Double feature at the Stanford: Midnight & The Palm Beach Story. Both get better every time, as does the experience of seeing them with a crowd. 

Insights: As we sat at breakfast and I took this picture, I was moved by how much they have grown and matured, and reminded of so much history we have shared here over the years, throughout their lives and with both Linda and Jen. It's hallowed ground to me.

Mindset: relatively optimistic. Jennifer is off to Minnesota, and I have a morning full of commitments followed by a stretch of freedom and flexibility beyond the obligations of ensuring that the dogs' needs are met.
Goals: Every day, I take the time to try to set goals that I end up not accomplishing. So what should my goal that I don't accomplish today be? Maybe keeping it simple can itself be a goal? Let's see if I can keep my day simple. That's a 'try me' shout-out to the universe.
Anticipation: Lauren said Tommy wanted to go to Los Gatos Café this morning. As I told Tommy in the past, if you say, you pay. So I'm anticipating going to a complimentary breakfast :-). We'll see how that goes. Maybe Lauren will pick up lunch later, too. The more they do, the longer it'll be before I lean on them for financial support.
Gratitudes: I'm grateful to be as mobile as I am. My neck issues have been problematic, and my sleep has been troubled because of it. I'm literally reconsidering the option of going for the surgery after all, but it's a mixed bag. In any event, I'm also grateful that I can get up and just go for a walk, which is what I'm doing right now. I'm grateful for how it looks to see the outline of the sun breaking through the clouds. It's so obscured that almost looks like a moon. White and full, but shadowed by a density of clouds and mist that makes it something I can stare at without squinting.

Highlights: Lauren’s down for a short stay - arrived on late train, leaves on the afternoon one tonorrow following a dr appointment. Jen’s heading to Minnesota for a week with the Hills on an early am flight out of SJ so the morning will be busy, but the afternoon and weekend will be filled with several movie outings and get togethers with friends. I finally ‘cracked’ the shortcut scripting to resurrect my ‘Mindful” reminders list, which was very gratifying. Jen and I took time in the afternoon to visit the LG library, Museum and then enoy a late lunch of her homemade Mexican Stew and a perfectly paired 2021 Wrights Station Chsrdonnay.

Insights: The aforementioned “Mindful” reminders came in handy today and may play a role in my current effort to realign with some ideals. One, a note I wrote to myself over a year ago, states to “Find the value in every intteruption, inconvenience, distraction and annoyance. It is there.” was timely in fielding a call from my mom looking for assistance that’s totally reasonable, warranted and justified. It felt good to not see it as a negative.

"Luxury Living at lowest possible cost in the valley" (LA, 1960)

This was a good day for GTD. My mom had contacted me last night requesting my help getting to/from an appointment. As irony would have it, the appointment was near my home, similar to those at the Stanford Cancer Center. It was a 9 am appointment, and traffic was abysmal. I hit multiple neighbors' jams due to the traffic caused by parents taking their kids to and from schools less than a mile from home. The idea that our society has such a need to shepherd their kids in this manner speaks volumes for the ignorance of the masses, making decisions based on irrational and exaggerated fear. </vent>. In any case, I got her there and back, and once back, I was able to set her up with access to her EBT benefits via Instacart as well as pick up the photos to be scanned. She also sent me home with the folder of original Woodland Hills house documents to send to the current occupants in the Friar St house. I got the photos packed up for scanning, packed up those original documents to mail too, AND made a quick run through the historical family scans of slides from the '60s for images of the house that I posted and shared with Bettina too. She and I also talked a while about her continuing to stay in the home and the probability that she might eventually need to consider assisted living. I'm going to do some further research into that while coordinating some home safety tasks. If she decides to make a move, it would be prudent to engage help immediately in the cleaning, updating, and sale of the property, allowing her to have a say in the process while ensuring she has the necessary resources for her ongoing care. It's a daunting thought. What is effectively the house I grew up in and the home she's had for over 50 years may, within a year, be a part of my history, as is the LA home I revisited last week. This is where embracing impermanence can be tear-inducing. We played cardzmania with the usual crowd, and I came in 3rd by two points. I also resurrected the Kindle for reading.  I'm forcing my hand in an awkward direction, giving up something that took a good deal of time to adapt to after decades of neglect—the act of writing by hand. I've been doing it daily for a few years now, using my "reMarkable 2" tablet as both an e-reader and a writing device. I sincerely love using it; it brings back wonderful memories of many years of writing and sending letters by hand. I would even go so far as to impune a greater sense of authenticity and genuine expression within the act of doing so. Yet, I am setting it aside. Why? Because it still ends up requiring conversion to text, editing, spelling and grammar checking, and cleanup. It's simply not a 'functional' option. The time I spend each evening writing by hand has become a comfortable and rewarding routine. It's going to be a challenge to break that habit, yet the fact remains that I'm still forced to break out the laptop or iPhone to include an image and address the aforementioned corrections and refinements. It's also 'one more device' and it's seldom 'enough' for whatever my needs might be at any given moment. I'm tired of carrying three devices when one is sufficient for 80% of my needs. So for the time being, my posts will be "un-reMarkable" ones.

Mindset: irritable. Demands sideline intentions.
Goals: Not to let short-term inconvenience overshadow the "better angels".
Anticipation: Focused plate clearing, without sweeping the table.
Gratitudes: Perspective. Somewhat. It's challenging at times to stay fully "upright" without grumbling at the chaos inherent in our society.

The Fall of Jennifer

There's a pretty significant change on the horizon for myself and Jen - her contract gig with Intel (via TeamPeople, a contracting agency) ends 8/29. As of September, we will both be unemployed.

Insights: Allow the lack of highlights to speak for themselves. What surfaced for me, though, was the feeling that I have repeatedly mentioned : a need to reboot. Reset. Looking back, I see a lot of great work going into small needs, but nowhere near enough effort going into the high ROI areas. It's so fucking easy (and compelling) to get sucked into mole-whacking, into small tasks that never are, while the primary goals sit idle. Whrnt I let myself obsess on secondary interests I'm just running in place. I therefore reset the" BuJo" today. I collaborated with Jen on some summer/fall routines and schedules for our mornings (hint - the dogs will be thrilled), and we will head into September working toward mutual and individual goals.

Mindset: Stillness bordering on the point of detachment.
Goals: Finish Chapter two.
Anticipation: Tuning out tech.
Gratitudes: That years of meditation has made a perceptible difference in positive ways.

Highlights: Singing in the Rain at the Stanford with Jen on Sat afternoon. Impromptu movie night with Jon F. ("There Will Be Blood") following. Two movies, two people, two names separated by two vowels. I ate and drank reasonably. And I saw The Lord of the Rings- The Two Towers today with friends as well.

Insights: 'Us and Them 'played as I lay on the ham­mock under the stars on a warm summer evening. More than 14 years ago, and within two hours of writing this. Repeat performance on the same spot. How much has changed and transpired, and how other aspects remain the same. I feel that completing the book is all tied into the drama and the lessons learned. It's a healing process on multiple levels.

Mindset: baseless trepidation. Although I certainly have cause, I also have no imminent need for alarm or apprehension. Yet its there, like a small pebble beneath an outdoor rug, I can't help but notice it.
Goals: Limit tech. Optimize writing.
Anticipation: Progressive writing.
Gratitudes: Opportunities

Highlights: The long-awaited SLAC tour was a bit of a letdown. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. And in hindsight, I should have. It was a deep science and technology dive at a molecular level. Literally. Levels so beyond my caveman's understanding that Grok just stay still. Hope science not smell Grok, or hear his breathing. That we know all we know about the matter that is the universe and ourselves is almost as impressive as the scale of what we don't. So much has been unraveled by our species over our its existence yet it's dramatically dwarfed by our ignorance beyond that point. Still, after some 50yrs driving by the 2-mile long accelerator I finally saw the inside. Dinner with Dom and Mary was good. I needed it.

Insight: I've been cranky. I'm stressed. Short. I am drained. I have a lot I erroneously believe I am responsible for a lot things. Some I am but not all. Changes are happening in ways that are uncertain. That's uncomfortable for me. Change always is. But comfort can create complacency, stilling momentum and nurturing apathy. The more I delay and procrastinate the less I might achieve with the time remaining. I need a change.

Mindset: admittedly concerned about some physical pains related to known neck issues, tennis elbow, weight, age, and a couple unknowns to be triaged. My warranty seems to be expiring right alongside my medical benefits. Mentally though I am still stunned and amazed at the range of minor yet impactful life experiences that transpired over the last two days.
Goals: Maintaining routines and focus.
Anticipation: SLAC Tour. Dinner with Dom & Mary.
Gratitudes: Friendships.

Highlights: A 4.45 AM wakeup call regarding health concerns of a loved one started the day with a lot of uncertainty. The morning was spent in concern, confusion, disbelief and proactive adaptation just in case. By later afternoon things were updated, concerns were abated and knotted stomachs could relax. The scheduled evening 'neighborhood walk' with Mark (and Olivia) went ahead as planned with a phenomal outcome. Yesterday I returned to my childhood home and tonight, the next day, with the grace of timiing, Jennifer got to revisit her own nearby. It finally happened, with a staggering array of alignment, synergy and suprsing connections between multiple players present. I couldn't write this shit. Yet I am.

Insights: In one single day, anything can happen, and everything can change. When it does, recognizing it will again, and that there's another day to come, can make all the difference.

Mindset: Curiosity and wonder in a seemingly detached manner, when it's anything but.
Goals: Get ahead of insurance coverage needs. Attend to other P1 to-dos.
Anticipation: Neighborhood walk/drive tonight w/Jen and Mark.
Gratitudes: Simply for every day, even the difficult ones, those that make them easier and being the same for others.

Highlights: the LA trip. (will write about separately)
Insights: Most people are awesome, wonderful, kind, positive and sincerley good people. Then, they get behind the wheel in LA and things go all wonky.

Off to revisit my childhood...

Mindset: Calm. Reflective. Reminisent. Curious. Hesitant.
Goals: Revisiting Monents memories and milestones.
Anticipation: A street. A walk. A hot dog.
Gratitudes: To have the ability to do this after years of meaning to.

Highlights: Howes Your Coffee w/Mark and talking about childhood memories as I prep for my LA visit. Deep dive into insurance, mom's medical/benefits updates and needs, and assorted daily demands. Walking Oak Meadow w/the dogs and Jen.

Insights: Childhood seems to be a concentrate that never fully dilutes with age. The experiences, memories, and impacts of what amounts to maybe 7 'cognitive' years have continual presence in my conscious thoughts to this day. Not as a daily remembrance as much as an acknowledged influence ever since.

Highlights: An excellent day filled with numerous gratifying moments of accomplishment and completion. Well, maybe just a couple, but I'll take my wins where possible. And sure, we had to deal with some issues with Tommy sharps, saline and blood, but all in a day's routine these days, right? I went to my mom's early in anticipation of the usual traffic jams and snail's pace, only to find none—smooth sailing. Once there, I bit my lip, having a scant 30 minutes before taking her phone to ATT to get her number back, I tried setting her replacement modem up, knowing from recent experience how unhealthy a decision that could prove to be. Once plugged in and with the lights blinking, I tried using the ATT mobile app to seamlessly and effortlessly set her home network WiFi within minutes, as I was assured by the recent technician who got her old modem working again. Of course, it failed even to recognize the modem, which made perfect sense when I remembered the technician was from Xfinity, as is her home service. 🤦‍♂️. And of course, the Xfinity app recognized and activated seamlessly and effortlessly within minutes. Score. I took her phone to ATT, and after the usual calls, clicks, and identity validations, they resurrected her line. Once back at her place, I finished all the adjustments needed to hopefully have her 100% back to before I pulled on the thread on a pattern of stability that unraveled. I was just about to head out when Michael called. He's the artist and resident at the Zen Center with whom I've been working for years. My moms donated a substantial amount of her art supplies to him and has more to give. He's wanted to meet her and thank her. This was a significant moment for me to see come about. They and I got to talk all about art, her portfolio of work, his insights, history and all of the stuff in the house she would be glad to see used. It was deeply satisfying and gratifying. As was the afternoon and the time I spent compiling a handful of images of my childhood house before my journey back there Wednesday. It was immersive.

Insights: The day was filled with gratitude that infused a degree of confidence I've been ignoring or needing to reclaim. I have reason to be confident in my potential to influence in positive ways through entertaining and thought-provoking writing and discussion. The idea of constant is a marking goal, not a personal one. I have lifted a full life impacted by thoughts and ideas written and shared once. Some insights can resonate and remain. It is within me to influence well beyond the scope I have exercised here.

Passing Thought : Distance Past

Childhood photos at Disneyland around 1965-ish

 

"…Mom likes me more"

Highlights: Jen and I had the best time yesterday going over budget details at Crema. Not that number crunching is a thing between us, being able to discuss plan and adapt is. She's wrestling with the changes and challenges at this stage. I get that. My 'exit' off the stage I spent some 40 years aspiring to the height of was a gradual and methodically orchestrated one. Hers feels a bit more like the hook pulling her off in mid performance. She's likely to find another tech position but I want her to find a passion based income stream. We will see what comes about. I made it up to the Zen center early. It was just Michael and Gerow onsite today but shortly after my arrival both Chuck and Jackie showed up to help too. Ultimately they're have been fine without me but I did use the time to fix the phone and do the zoom stuff freeing Gerow up. The phone issue was simply the Ethernet cable being loose. The "clip" section of the plug was broken off as is the typical eventual state of at least one end. Michael's talk was awesome and insightfully inspiring. I want to do a talk. It's completely lame that I have not yet. I jetted down the hill, picked up Jen's glasses from her dinner at the Plumed Horse the night before with Valerie, quickly showered and made it to Leigh to meet JS and BL to head to the theater for the lord of the rings. The first of three consecutive weekends screening the extended cuts. It was a good call. Seeing it again in the theater after 20+ years reinforced how significant of a milestone in filmmaking it was. A paradigm shift in special effects and CGI. Wow! And the others all seemed to have enjoyed it as well which was a bonus.

Insights: I mentioned above that I want to give a talk at Jikoji. It's called a "Way-seekers Journey" or something of that nature. I need to soon. Things need to move ahead if I am to get to the point I desire, to be more of an influence and resource for others as i consider Michael to be for me.

My solo outing to the Stanford Theater, a last-minute whim, proved to be a substantially eye-opening and gratifying experience. Jen had plans with her cousin. I was going to stay home, but there was a double feature up at the Stanford, and with the temperatures reaching 90 degrees or more, an air-conditioned theater watching an old movie would be a worthwhile break. There were two movies playing: one, a Humphrey Bogart movie I had never seen and considered the primary point of going. It's always a great experience to see a film for the first time in that venue. The other one was "The Philadelphia Story", a personal favorite with a history going back decades. I've seen it at least a dozen times and no more than two. When going solo, I enjoy exploring the theater from random seats. I've sat in the front center, the furthest back, and various seats in between. Today, I bounced around before the screening began a couple of times within the first few minutes until I settled on the furthest back right to be able to take in the full scope of the movie, as well as the architecture and venue. The chandeliers, the 1920s-era Art Deco details, eloquently complement the films being shown there. What I did not expect was to become so quickly immersed in and aware of the level of acting and writing that went into this film. The dozen or two times I've seen it before, I never realized it started as a successful Broadway play. Movies like Arsenic and Old Lace are immediately apparent to have originated in a staged environment and remain pretty faithful to that. However, having seen an earlier trailer that referenced its Broadway origin. It really rang so clearly for the first time that I was watching a theatrical play on film. That's not to say that numerous other film adaptations of plays don't exist and aren't just as worthy. It's simply that I didn't notice this, and as an aspiring writer, I found it far more entertaining to follow, especially with that small bit of insight. It just made the writing stand out all the more. I noticed that it was as fast-paced at times as Bringing Up Baby and His Girl Friday were. Likely plays as well, now that I think of it. The depth and emotional range of the writing went from subtly muttered and easily missed punchlines to the emotional undertone at the receipt of the model of the boat. It was outstanding and a fantastic way to see it again with fresh eyes and insight. I'm so glad I went. I paused at the end and realized that although I had come for the next film, I didn't want to dilute the experience; I wanted to enjoy the enriched appreciation for a movie I always enjoyed, just never fully appreciated.

On my way home, I thought about checking in with my mom. I haven't been over there for a couple of days. I only intended to make a phone call, but when I called her cell phone, it was disconnected! I called multiple times again. Disconnected, disconnected, disconnected. I started to wonder what had happened. I was able to get off the freeway in time to swing by and check on her. She was fine. The house was hot. The air conditioning was set improperly, so I addressed that and then checked her telephone. It indicated no service. I still don't know exactly what happened, but I suspect that the efforts I had been making to set her up with AT&T Fiber, which didn't happen, led to her cell phone account being closed because the two had been paired. I'm going to get it resolved on Monday morning. I'm grateful and fortunate to have at least caught it myself before she did. I set things up so she can FaceTime me instead of calling in case a need arises. She looked at me and said, "Isn't life exciting?" in response to the ongoing chaos of the fallout of my efforts to simplify things for her. I stopped for a moment to think about my answer and, with full awareness of how chaos is what the experience of being alive entails, said, "Yes, it is."

Passing Thought : Egg Freckles

Today's "Siri" experience echoes yesterday's "Ńewton" handwriting recognition.

Mindset: Relief - a decent stretch of sleep. After several consecutive trips to the backyard to accompany and oversee Scottie, he settled in for about 3-4 hours until 5:45 AM. It's a step in the right direction.

Goals: Numerous errands and attempts to compress them into completion before going into home lockdown while the sidewalks melt.
Anticipation: Dinner tonight with friends.
Gratitudes: Scottie's seemingly stabilizing. It's becoming increasingly apparent he's on a gradual decline. As long as he's not suffering, I'm grateful for the time we get.

Highlights: I bailed on a HYC with Mark due to exhaustion. Jen made a dietary change for the dog to aid his digestion. Immediately following a great VGNO, Jen informed me that he threw up—a lot. And there were grapes. Grapes are allegedly toxic to dogs. I didn't know that, but I don't recall giving him any but my recall skills suck. If I did though i would not have give them to him whole, which was the state they came back up in. Tommy denied doing so either. At least that's done, and hopefully tonight will be one of uninterrupted sleep.

Insights: I neglected to mention this morning that during the night, I had a rather severe panic attack. At least that's what I think it was. I'm not a seasoned victim of them. I just felt like the walls were closing in on me. This was immediately after waking, thinking the dog had just jumped off the bed again. He has not. But my heart was racing as if I had just had something explode next to me. It was an extreme response and took several minutes to calm down. I was mildly concerned for my well-being. I will chalk it up to the sleep deprivation of recent days, for now.

Mindset: fatigued exhaustion. The buildup and continuation of having to wake up every couple of hours throughout the night due to Scottie getting up to poop repeatedly has been going on for three or four days now. The sleep depression brings back memories of Guiamme Barre. So much so that the dread of the end of the day carries a foeboding anticipation of its continuation;this isn't good, and we have no clear understanding of why this suddenly started. And whether it will end or not.
Goals: one final trip to my moms to setup the final step in the network triage. Maybe. Its not pressing and I am hesitant to introduce any further possible risk. More PTSD it seems.
Anticipation: Ann uninterrupted nights sleep. Somehow. Someday.
Gratitudes: I have someone to be coordinate this with. Without her, I might not have the support or ballast to navigate the minor and major turbulence that make up every day. Even the minor inconvenience of an old dog's IBS.

Highlights: continued effort to return to habits is setting in. A good morning meditation was a supportive experience for the two sole practitioners on-site. I'll go up on Friday morning and Sunday morning too. The Comcast appointment resolved mom's internet issues with little effort (assuming you don't count the past few days filled with failed attempts to get back to this point). The problem was that the new modem was not supported, even though it was the same model. Hers was grandfathered in. Or in this case, grandmothers. Whatever. No charge, she's back up and journaling, and I found a supported option for the upgrade within hours. It's in hand and will be CAREFULLY swapped out tomorrow. Temps hit 91 today. Can't wait to get out of the summer months so our PGE can get back under $500.

Insights: It has felt like my attitude and demeanor have been below ideal. I recognize my impatience as an artifact of the uncertainty of numerous current circumstances. Income. Health. Aging mother. Aging dog. Aging self. It's easy to attribute it to such factors, but I don't want to relax into excuses. Uncertainty is a constant. Complacency and expectations that everything stays "good" is as unproductive as lamenting when something goes "bad". Learning to respond to all of it, outside of decades of conditioning, may take a longer lifetime that I might have.

Mindset: Challenged to balance annoyance with compassion.
Goals: Hoping to complete mom's wifi reboot. Maybe some time out w/Jen in the PM, depending on the heat. 91 degrees high. Ugh. Otherwise, writing.
Anticipation: Continued success on my restoration of many habits and better focus.

Gratitudes: Jen and I having worked split-shifts last night attending to Scottie's 3rd night of having bowel issues. I'm suddenly a parent again. Apparently.

Mindset: Humbly aware that my best intention require a level of calm and focus equal to or greater than the inevitable distractions and obstacles. 
Goals: Finish getting my mom setup for mobile access. 
Anticipation: Making write choices. 
Gratitudes: Spiderwebs reflecting sunlight in the gentle morning breeze.



Even Scottie can't believe I put my shorts on inside out without knowing it.

My return to atomic habits is underway. I have such apprehension about doing squats. The pushups are never a struggle, but squats take a lot of discipline to start and complete for me. I can't explain the mental block. It's an effort every day yet over in less than a minute. It's also making a difference. Lunch with w/the guys was good, and I look forward to the upcoming weekend. Brian generously bought my lunch, and I tried his modem as a resolution to my mom's network issue. The whole thing was a clusterfuck. I hate how complicated all of this can become. It's like walking into a maze as the walls move behind you and paths close ahead in parallel. I probably spent a total of 8 hrs or more triaging and calling and juggling... to no avail. She's got no internet and I am done fucking around with Comcast. ATT will be installing fiber tomorrow and we will kill off Comcast the same day. Same rate, faster, and she qualifies for a discount, too. As for myself it was a stress test I barely passed. I was tense and confused and could not maintain a good sense of all of the steps and combined attempts and variable settings. I didn't lose it but I came close and it drained me, which sets me up for failure elsewhere when the next need arises. It seemed so simple yet ended up being a mess. One never can tell when well enough should be left alone. I write this, I get physically tense. Agitated. Triggered. And all this is also such a distraction. Such a waste of time. So irrelevant, yet so consuming. There's a rush to making things work, a challenge at times to improving, and a sense of failure and fault when my own expectations aren't met. That this is so destructive to my self image needs resolution. I take it all so personally, and as a negative reflection of me. That's not warranted or deserved, yet habitual.

Mindset: balanced neutrality bordering on apathy.
Goals: get my mom's watch and cellular setups solidified. Revisit my daily journaling impacts on broader writing goals. Lean into protein.
Anticipation: lunch with geeks.
Gratitudes: My faith that the lack of knowing what lies ahead is secondary to accepting the transitory nature of everything.

Jenuflecting

One of the most significant things to have come out of the past decade of our lives spent navigating our respective divorces, coming together amongst connections and conflicts, incorporating our children, Linda's illness and passing, making a moving choice, getting my kids through that and off to college, losses of jobs, all of this… has been my intense awareness of how strong our relationship is. How grateful and committed to this that I am. And how significant her presence has been for all of us.

I recently bought and gave her a book, not as a gift, but as a way of highlighting this perspective. The book is titled "When Lovers Are Friends." I first read it back in the very late 70's or early 80's. It was an introduction to the idea that a healthy relationship should be less about what you want, and more about what you want for the other person. Mutually and independently championing each others growth and aspirations.

I admittedly talked a better talk than I did when it comes to walking the walk. I fumbled and bumbled my way thru my fair share of relationships, some sincere and others motivated far more by want, need or obligation than by a search for the level of sincerity and honesty I find myself experiencing now.

Jen once said, well before things between us reached the level they have, "what you see is what you get". I saw assets and flaws as clearly as she saw my own, neither of which matter when acceptance is unconditional.

I can't believe how we got here any more than I can believe that we are. I reflect daily on my good fortune, fate, destiny or luck. I want for nothing other than our health and time to both be abundant.

Tomorrow's coffee will be interesting. Hopefully wonderful. I took a chance and threw together several roasts ranging from light to dark, creating an unmeasured and unrepeatable blend: "Chaosoffee". It felt akin to cooking by taste and intuition. Only coffee-time will tell. Jen made us a light breakfast and did some deep housecleaning as well, an area I lack the habit of maintaining. My inner-Felix went out for cleaning supplies ten years ago and he never returned. It's very revealing how much I changed (adapted) between being single and married. Why is that? It's a good question. I will need to consult with my lawyer. Speaking of lawyers, the board meeting was this morning. We have some business needs to address. -The usual players were all present, as were a couple of Sangha members, one of whom I find somewhat contentious and arrogant in their demeanor. However, in retrospect, it all went fine. And I sense good intentions behind their external facade. Or, at least, to the best of their abilities. Anyway, the chairman mentioned wanting to be out of the chair position. I am tempted for several reasons. It would help me stay engaged, allow me to exercise some executive skills, and keep me uncomfortable enough to force growth. Later in the day, a thread was shared wherein some negative, challenging perspectives were shared. Accusatory, and frankly, petty and ignorant. I said as much in my reply. I was proud of it. Things with Tommy seem to be evolving and maturing for both of us. It feels like a potential turning point. No matter how slight that turn might appear, that is merely an illusion of time and space being fixed. As I was telling Jen about on the way to the mountain winery for the Rick Springfield and John Waite concert (a birthday gift) tonight, I have come to a place where I don't look fondly at moments that have passed... I hold that fondness in the moment that moment occurs. She in particular. I look at her with adoration and gratitude, in the moment, as we never really stop connecting, growing. or finding moments where we just lock eyes long enough to acknowledge that yes, this really is all happening. On the way out of the concert we gave Sue from the VIP lounge a ride down the hill into Saratoga where she had parked. It was a good opportunity to extend some help to somebody we always connect with when there. I talked briefly to Lauren afterwards too. Oh and this morning my mom seemed to be doing better with the cell phone, so the landline can be relinquished after all.

Highlights: A focused, productive day working through a wide range of action items. Good 'habit' execution too, but not perfect. There's always room for improvement. I spent some quiet time writing while Jen was out with Deanne. She was slightly off balance following the layoff news at Intel, but I see it as a positive for a wide range of reasons. Things will work out. They always do. My slight bump up to an Apple Watch 6 has proven anticlimactic, but I am enjoying its much faster charging.

Insights: I don't want to admit to having made a mistake, showing poor judgment, or taking action before thinking through the ramifications. But I did, and therefore spent a few hours tonight working to resolve it. The issue has been the landline at my mom's house. She's had that phone number since 1971, and at this stage, 90 % of the calls are solicitors. It's routine to visit and witness her respond to the ringing, as we all used to respond way before answering machines and caller ID came about. Long before cell phones became an integral part of our culture, you could function without one when making dinner reservations or authenticating your identity on commerce websites. Not anymore. And nobody from her generation seems able to let a call go unanswered. She is incapable of overcoming that reflex response. It's painful to witness her making the effort to walk to the phone only to say "not interested" and hang up. I have given her a cell phone, which I pay for, and thus she has a mobile device and an associated Apple Watch with fall detection and access to emergency services. We have frequently discussed abandoning the landline, yet she has clung to it as the only option should the power go out. We recently discussed her expenses, and I realised that she was spending almost twice what I spend on her cell phone for the landline. She had, at one time, the discounted rate for low-income seniors, but for some reason I have not identified yet, that lapsed. She agreed that it was time to let that go, and I took immediate action. I contacted ATT, killed it off and went over to ensure her cell phone was configured to be as easy and simple as possible. Did I mention she just finished chemo yesterday? And did I also mention how she routinely goes through a few days of 'brain fog' following those? Yeah, well, I guess I forgot to consider that when taking these steps. I was 'in the flow' but quickly realized I was flooding her senses by introducing something new to learn. My bad. I did, however, do a great job of setting things up very cleanly, with a simplified home screen and minimal 'noise' beyond one-tap calling options. Still, it's simply not the right time and caused her more confusion than good. I'll check in tomorrow and perhaps reinstate the landline so it's less of an abrupt change and more of a migration.