This was a day I felt grateful for, all day long. After waking and opting to get up and get started with a morning Zazen, we walked the dogs and stopped and talked with multiple neighbors along the way. We met the new neighbors across the street on Anne because their dog ran over to ours. Across a busy street no less. But it was good to make a connection. We talked with Edna and Joan and Tom and Danise too. AND a new connection, a routine running in the court, Lynn. I noticed an inclination to want to not engage so I could "go about my business" while also appreciating the simple connections as they unfolded. Jen went with me to pickup the kids Birth Certificate's that I wanted as 'backups' while giving them their own copies as desired. It's time. We stopped at a nursery and picked up the remaining plants and ground coverage for the rebate requirements and Jen will plant them tomorrow. I setup one of the camera's outside on the back patio to hopefully capture some activity with gophers, but I need better cameras. These are sub-par. I'll be on Temu in the morning. :-). Jen made an excellent chicken dish for dinner but then again, doesn't she always. I'll have to take over cooking once she starts working full time or we'll revert to the Matson based routine of bulk meal prep. She went to Marc and Christy's to hang out and I stayed home to give out candy. I listened to "War of the Worlds" for my annual homage. I love doing so every year it's really grounding. After about an hour and a half Jen texted me to set out the candy and come over and I did. An onslaught of trick-or-treaters descended on the block as I uncovered and prep'd the mini, and I left shortly after they continued down the street. Going to Marc and Christie's was a blast - really active engaged neighbors, firepit setup outside, wine, food, and full size candy bars.It was fun meeting and talking to people and reflecting on the positive experiences of my youth and time with my kids too. It was a reminder of how fast things pass and how valuable it is to remain connected to the greater experiences going on instead of being self-obsessed. We retuned home and to my surmised there was candy left over after all! People didn't just take it all. That was reaffirming, too.

2X2L Calling CQ

It's Halloween. Although not aggressively militant about doing so, I typically take 60 min of my evening to reflect on and reminisce about my dad's influence on my embracing a few key aspects and moments from the "Golden Age of Radio." What society experienced in this period is akin to our living through a time before and after the internet. It's that significant. He not only lived through it, he also played a role as a radio operator and specialist. He stored a vast array of radio equipment, tubes, meters and fuses in the narrow workshop at the back of our basement in Pennsylvania. He introduced me to "The War of the Worlds" through his stories of experiencing it and all of the milestones as the ability to communicate took a massive leap from the printed age to electromagnetic waves. And Halloween is the appropriate date for this otherwise antiquated artifact from a time long past. It's an absolutely classic, pivotal moment in media. It seems like there were a lot of gullible people back then. So glad that the direction of broadcast radio and TV evolved to the reason and fact-based information portals that create the society we get to live in today.

Mindset: Aspirational Intentions - making conscious efforts to regain, retain and maintain a healthy am routine. Things are always in flux so the nature of such might warrant flexibility, but I do well with a focused morning routine that includes meditation and contemplative gratitude that I get to wake up again at all. The cold mornings make the warmth of the bedding all the more appealing, yet once up, my mind engages enough to make that return feel like a distraction from what fuels the best of days : sunrise, introspection, reflection, planning, and simply getting into the moment with a sense of wonder over whatever joy, pain, angst, frustration lies waiting in the hours ahead.
Goals: Pants for Boulder. Plants for The yard. Birth certificates. Outline for weekend intentions and further work on seminar content.
Anticipation: Getting things done.
Wants: Follow through.

Pressed myself to get up and out after a long sleepless night. Jen and I talked out/over some disconnects from the night before which was a valuable use of time but still, tossed and turned and had two too many dogs with us. I grabbed eggs, coffee, cream and bread at Safeway so as not to show up empty handed. The Zazen had not started on time due to a tea ceremony running long but I waited and got some reorientation time in. It was a good start to my day as was the usual Monday meetings. Light presence - Just Judy (her birthday), Karm and Cade. In conversation with Cade it came about that his father has a winery and teaches viticulture through Davis! How amazing that timing is. I looked things up later and it could work to take an initial course in January. Hmmmm. Jen got things coordinated for my mom to take her cat to Acadia Vet so I went to help her do so. It ended up being a bit of confusion and she could have just gone and gotten the meds and returned home but, it was fine, I was glad to be available and won't be for her 11/06 appointment follow up. I met with Frank and Benny from Deepbows earlier after Jikoji to talk about my involvement in their efforts and they want me to write for them. I got and quickly turned around revisions for a newsletter that went out tonight nad I'm pleased with how I was able to reconstruct the content without dramatically changing the original words while putting a more compelling tone to the communication. Jen got a late-night craving for Happy Hound so I took her there. We discussed her Intel offer and she's awaiting details on benefits and such. It sounds like it'll work well but she's not thrilled about going back to work and I get that. I on hte other hand have several doors waiting for me ot walk through them and I'm working on taking those steps more aggressively in the coming weeks. I felt a lot of synergy today, all day, from the outcome of Jikoji, the conversations with Deepbow, the consciousness I felt when the colors of the tree outside the Zendo gave me cause to pause and just be present, and numerous other things just continue to feel like puzzle pieces I'm finding, some of which I have been looking for and others I don't recognize at all beyond knowing there's a place it's supposed to go and my job is to find that space and fill it.

Another full day managing a wide range of needs and tasks. Jen was a huge help early this AM managing ladder-duties while I traversed to the heights of the peak of the house, removing the antiquated lights and replacing with LED versions. I stopped and we took Scottie for his grooming appointment, which ended up being punted to another day due to a staffing issue at PetCo. He was trembling and anxious so it was fine, likely for the best. I wanted the work done but didn't feel good about his obvious apprehension. It's weird to associate human emotions on a dog but hard not to when it's obvious he's having a hard time. We visited my mom with him and I fixed a thermostat issue. She's doing ok but the cat, the flea issues and other problems surfaced as concerns that we need to be aware of. Once back home I dove back into the lighting project and a few hours later, it was all done and looks fantastic. It's really pleasant and inviting now, the whole yard is well lit and the power hit is nominal. I'm quite pleased with the results. We ended the night at the CASS winery pickup party. It was fun, the wine was great, but the enening ended on a sour note.  Jen and I got into an argument about her unilaterally deciding to buy 4 bottles of wine after we just spent over $1k on wine last week in Paso. It was upsetting to me simply because we didn't discuss it, I was just told it had been done. We seldom argue much if ever, so this was upsetting, but I felt like it should have been a mutual decision and she doesn't agree.

A productive day. I got yet another low-tire-pressure warning on the BMW while running for cream this am. I started to get irritated but recognized it as part of the "privilege" of owning a car, like car insurance, which is due next month—1st world problems. I filled the tires, and all seemed well all day - watching closely. I paid Ryan for the lawn watering work last week. Made a GOBM run x2 to get all we wanted, including a slew of inventory for Tommy. Put the car cover on Lauren's mini. I started replacing the outdoor string lights with the LED versions I ordered, and it's looking fantastic. The energy usage is next to nothing compared to the prior bulbs. What a waste. I wish I'd done this a year ago; I would have likely saved over $1k easily. I will continue extending them all around the fence tomorrow to light up the backyard. I opened a wonderful GOBM Portugal 2019 Torina/Cab/Syrah blend and enjoyed a burger with blue cheese. I checked in on my mom and will visit tomorrow while Scottie's getting his grooming.

Back from a week in Paso. Some amazing wineries, food, wine, and adventure. It was a wonderful time away. We spent too much, bought too much, drank too much and had a good time doing so. Life's so fleeting, and as I'm learning, subtle nuances of the first 6 months aside, the concept of wine aging in the bottle is not as common and likely as one might think. I'm still drinking old-stuff first but I'm learning that the critical path has been traveled already within the barrel and the earliest period in the bottle itself. I don't want any of our wine purchases to outlive me. As for the trip, we visited Graveyard, Villa St Jeanette, Fabelist, Calcareous, Bella Luna & Ecluse. All has something subtantial to offer and our cellar expanded once we returned today. BUT much is also being earmarked for trips and holidays on the horizon. We ventured out tonight, much to my pleasure, to Stanford Theater for a movie. It was packed and we made it just in time and got great seats. I love that theater, it's a part of my personal history going back to the late 80's. I've fantasized about making a documentary about it. When we got home I was shocked and upset to catch Scottie run behind my car as I pulled into the driveway. He appears to have gotten out when Tommy was loading hockey gear, so we'll ask him to watch for it closely in the future. It's a risk we and they face, and I'm just glad he didn't get hit by myself or anybody, or run away (that's lucky's nature, not scotties).

Getting Over Thinking

It's Wednesday AM in Paso. Jenifer, Scottie and Lucky are here enjoying a little getaway wine-tasting week before Jen returns to Intel. We've enjoyed several wonderful wines and wineries, including Villa St Juliette and The Fabelist. We also had a good conversation yesterday morning as I talked thorugh some of my thoughts and concerns regarding the past ten months and the year ahead.

I've been floundering. Stalled. Blocked. I have options and opportunities opening up for me to pursue a service offering facilitating EOL planning and crossing into the more mindful and contemplative areas of simply confronting and embracing mortality as a way in which to live more fully. I feel a solid attachment to topics, a calling perhaps, yet I need to take more aggressive steps toward establishing and practicing this as a business.

Why am I dragging my feet?

Why am I not going full bore and head first as I have with projects like Confetti, the "Cultivate" reports for Care2, or my work on the Jikoji website, newsletters, and GoogleWorkspace setup?

I would like, very much, to continue working on something that really 'feeds my soul' versus just dialing it in, working without feeling engaged, invested or excited about what I am doing. According to my "Time Left" app, I have another 15 years to spend here. I want it to be 'fruitful' in providing for myself and others in some greater capacity than being a cog in a high-tech wheel focused on earnings and growth.

When asked where my heart is regarding the type of work I can do, the first thought wasn't filling out advanced directives, wills and burial wishes. It's really in two places: writing and building teams.

I am humbly aware of what a good job I can do to build a team. My strength for years has been fostering collaboration, autonomy, accountability, and a sense of engagement. I once considered getting into 'leadership coaching' as a service. Still, I know all too well what an uphill battle being an external entity brought into a business to help foster improvements can be. I've been on both sides, and it's not 'fun' at all.

I have always loved writing. I have a few ideas for screenplays and novels germinating for years if not decades. In many ways, my earlier blog writings indicated the directions I might go.

My obsession with mortality, impermanence, mindfulness... these more profound, broader topics have been a component of my interests for some time but came into greater focus over the past several years, prior even to Linda's diagnosis, but certainly being amplified and emphasized by that experience. Dramatically.

Another thought we discussed yesterday was my desire to find a balance between the relatively "whoo hoo" aspects of awareness and introspection with the straightforward, simple, logical concepts behind managing all of your actions and reactions with the idea of death as an inevitability and as a core influence of how big a deal whatever comes your way might be over time. The flat tire, excessive utility bill, job loss, spilled milk, and even the death of a loved one all have a distinct impact and place when seen in the perspective of significance after your own time concludes.

Incorporating such a conscious awareness and perspective each day is my strongest pull, my most gratifying practice and something I would like to continue contemplating, sharing, challenging, and promoting. But can that pay the bills, and do I have the confidence to pursue that to make a living?

I need to 'get over' thinking, start doing, or revisit and reconsider my interest in this path.

Jen hosted a cousin's reunion. I started my presentation outlining work. Visited my mom. Tinkered with pcloud & infuse too.

On a roll of sorts with 'good' days - not 'great' in any manner but, balanced, productive enough and I had time enough to be as present and engaged as possible. And I was. I walked with Jen to the dentist for a cleaning and of course direction to do more, along with recommendations for further 'work' to be done as my teeth age along with the rest of me. Jen went to Gali with friends in the PM. Tommy was off from work but out and about as much as usual. Talked impromptu to Lauren. Saw Karate Karl today after recently reflecting on his presence as 'days gone by'. So good to see him. Honked. Dinner with Brian and Jonathan at Mo's for 3GNO (sans Jess). Interesting engaging discussions ranging from strong alternative viewpoints as to the autonomous driving functionality of a Tesla, to deep-level tech talk and gadgets, to reflections on what pressure and release valves have been activating.

Mindset: let Jen sleep in while I enjoyed them morning sunlight exposure on the patio. Enjoyed a good Calm meditation. Revisited my Exitidy goals and intentions. I am going to refocus the span of services to emphasize the emotional and acceptance aspect as well as the "T's & I's" to respectively cross.
Goals: Outline draft 1 of program/presentation.
Anticipation: GNO
Wants: To stay positively focused on the potential I posses.

My talk with Ilana at deepbows this morning was really powerful. It seems there's an opportunity for me here to participate and assist with their getting off the ground and my own interests in facilitating EOL related planning and awareness is something that can be incorporated into this. I have some work to do but it's good work with a good focus. I'm optimistic for 2024 and where this might lead me.

Mindset: Positive outlook. Continued focus on short and long term goals feels balanced for the moment. Still a bit overcommitted but narrowing it down.
Goals: deepbows dialog and more direction.
Anticipation: possible date night with Jen.
Wants: meet the next milestone : site revision.

Started the day with a callback to earlier routines of getting up, out, walking dogs and such. Felt good. Might be time to revive. Walked to coffee, met up with JS for coffee-talk. Returned for an online seminar that was related to psychedelics and it was pretty intriguing. Booked trip to Boulder (unrelated …. but maybe not?).

Mindset: Cluttered Calm - I feel relaxed. I enjoyed. getting up relatively early, walking the dogs, enjoying fresh air and heavy mist. Yet my day is in a bit of a state of limbo. I don't know whether I'm going to walk with Johnathon and get coffee this morning. I don't know what's happening with my mom's cat and veterinary appointment, so I feel slight apprehension about deep diving into any project that will be subsequently interrupted.containing and controlling the level of interruption and distraction remains a priority for me to be successful in the progress I need to make for my business ideas. I am excited about the opportunity to lead a Dharma talk at Jikoji Zen center. It's something that would give me good practice and would allow me to incorporate the more introspective spiritual aspects of the type of work I want to do.
Goals: work through and take action on the stack of paperwork that I've left on the dining room table for a week. Draft my "need to know" reference sheet for exitidy. Outline of speech discussion agenda for Jikoji.

Quite a good day. Got up to Jikoji for Zazen and weekly meeting. Enjoyed doing so even though the sit was in the Kaizendo and I had a hard time with the darkness and a shitty cushion. Woe is me. Managed to get the smart meter monitoring in place and OMG is this cool. Real time insights I can watch and learn from as I turn on/off lights and appliances. I've already isolated some issues including outdoor string lights and indoor 'smart' lights. I talked to my brother earlier - it sounds like his 2nd daughter talked to and got his 1st daughter engaged in concerns about our mom and called him. He said he shut them down knowing what I know which is what control we do and don't have. It's genuine but a bit insulting that they might mistake my acceptance for apathy. Even my mom and I talked about it and she'll let me know if/when she's ready to accept help. I'm grateful she/I can have such direct conversations.

It turned out to be quite a productive day. My visit to deepbows for the Sunday dharma talk went well. I'm feeling more optimistic and less guarded as I get to know the people involved and find common grounds and intentions. It's encouraging. I spent most of the afternoon banging out action items for Jikoji related to website revisions and the forthcoming newsletter is in draft 2 and will likely go out tomorrow. The week ahead has a modest amount of commitments so I anticipate a good degree of time getting further traction on additional tasks. The progress today was inspirational and has me reinvigorated. I have a lot to do but when I do it, I can get a lot done. Focus is key.

Mindset: Empathetically Ignorant. I had issues sleeping and found myself online and "doom scrolling." It made me realize how fortunate I am to live where I live and have what I have. It also made me revisit the challenge of being detached from the experience of loss, pain, suffering and cruelty. If I lost a loved one in a car accident today or was crippled in one myself, or had hoards of militants surrounding our streets for the sole purpose of killing every occupant on sight, would I be able to face and endure that with a calm acceptance as an aspect of nature? I think I would experience the same grief, sorry, heartbreak and panic as anyone else would. Having or striving to have a broader sense of acceptance of the random chaos of life is easier from a place of calm and stability than from a place of terror. So many people live in a place of anxiety and terror, while I do not. It puts a lot into perspective while not changing a thing about our civilization's lack of civility and humanity's capacity for inhumane acts. Nor the simple fact that every day may include an unexpected circumstance that throws our personal world upside down. Knowing this consciously does not mean one hides wringing their hands in anticipation of the worst. It means being aware of and grateful for the opportunity to experience all of the good times, including loving somebody or something with such an intimate connection that their suffering or the loss of them can hurt so deeply. That is the mindset I seek the ability to maintain through any situation. Yet I recognize fully that it may prove easier said than done.
Goals: Deepbow dharma talk, Jikoji newsletter.
Anticipation: an evening home with Jen
Wants: To use the power of full perspective to prioritize my personal time better.

A Thousand Beautiful Things

Typically, every 10/14 would start with tulips and the kids at Los Gatos Café for breakfast, kicking off the annual routine of recognizing their mom's birthday. Today the destination was the cemetery. Unaccompanied by our children, I brought tulips and took time to reflect on the loss, the tragedy, and the beauty of every moment shared.

The tragedy is the way in which you passed. The loss spans the time we shared and her own time prior. The nature of her perspective was filled with fear and uncertainty that stemmed from childhood experiences she never fully reconciled with. And the beauty of the time we shared. The experiences we had. Even the difficult and more painful ones were opportunities for growth and a part of our respective paths diverging.

I wanted to reflect today on what was good. And there was much good. An alphabet of good. Reflecting back on the first date experience we shared, where we used a letter of the alphabet each to share 26 words that we felt described ourselves, I used the same 26 letters idea today to reflect on the key takeaways of our experience.

Awareness • Beauty • Compassion • Death • Energy • Family • Gratitude • Heartache • Infidelity • Judgment • Knowledge • Lovely • Meaning • Nature • Open • Perspective • Quit • Remorse • Sacred  • Truth • Understanding • Validation • Wonder • Yearning

If I could go back in time, I know there are many things we both would've done differently.  I love and appreciate that you were so pivotal in my experience, my journey in this life, my growth, my awareness, and my path. You were foundational. You are a part of me, our kids, and the life they will live. I will continue to reflect on the positive and the good in the things that were learning experiences,

Every day I write the list of reasons why I still believe they do exist
(A thousand beautiful things)
And even though it's hard to see the glass as full and not half-empty
(A thousand beautiful things)
So, light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again, never close my eyes
Never close my eyes
I thank you for the air to breathe, the heart to beat, the
Eyes to see again (a thousand beautiful things)
And all the things that's been and done the battles won the good and bad in everyone
(This is mine to remember)
So, here I go again, (here I go)
Singin' by your window, (singin')
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left
To find, (pickin' up, pickin' up)
(To find, to find, to find, to find, to find, to find, to find, to find, to find, )
The world was meant for you and me to figure out our destiny
(All the world is meant for you and me)
(Ooh, remember)
To live, to die, to breathe, to sleep, to try to make your life complete, (yeah, yeah)
So, light me up like the sun, (come on light me up just like a sun)
To cool down with your rain, (cool me down with your rain)
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes, (never gonna close my eyes)
Never close my eyes
That's all I have to say
 - Annie Lennox

Our Sacramento visit was great. We had a pleasant drive up and back. We enjoyed lunch with Lauren at "Skips", then hit a few antique and thrift shops together and ended the day with dinner at Aioli and dessert at Gunthers. We loved having a full day with Lauren and time together up and back too.

Mindset: optimistically, reinvigorated – I'm starting to recognize that some of the stalls and struggles of the past few weeks are likely closely correlated to changes in. (yes, you guessed it ) my daily routines and focus in mindset. I've been slacking on meditation and introspection and optimizing morning sunlight and dietary balance. I've also been getting swept up into the mythology of control. I tend to feel an insistent, obligation to resolve and fix whatever gets thrown my way, and I know it's self-imposed, but I also think it's, an expectation of others. And all of those are pretty much no-win situations. I don't want to be cavalier and throw my hands up and say that there's nothing I can do about any of it, and yet at the same time, the reality is, that's typically the case. I control my actions and reactions, and that's it. I can guide and try to influence, but each time I take on the responsibility of rectifying something, it's as if I'm redirecting water that will eventually flow wherever it's going to naturally flow, dammit. ;-). All this energy gets sucked into a hypothetical future or a subjective past.
Goals: Return to key routines starting ….. NOW!
Anticipation: A day with Jen and Lauren in Sac.
Wants: For the moment, I'm good.

It's Thursday night? Some days drag, others fly by, and others are filled with so many thoughts, experiences and events that I can't recall it all. Wednesday was good. I had a very inspirational conversation with a man named Dennis about the past couple of years, my experiences that led to taking a step back from my job of 12 years and my ambitions and interests. I needed some motivation, and it arrived unexpectedly. I had further 'deep thought' conversations with Lauren and punted my planned return to deepbow on Thursday in order to attend to other pressing tasks, including a planned trip to Sacramento. That proved timely. I was concerned about going to SF for the Peter Gabriel concert, but it went smoothly. Far better than some of my past experiences navigating traffic to other venues. Sure, parking and food were costly, but managed well enough. The show was wonderful. His voice is still strong, and he hit notes I was surprised he could still hit. He played every new song that's been getting gradually released from "I/O," as well as ample "hits". The theatrics of prior shows seem a thing of the past, yet the staging, art, projection and such were still "Big Time" efforts. The night was thrown by an intermission call from my mom saying she'd thought she had broken her wrist. I was 1+ hours away with Matt and Jen and quickly gave her directions to call Lindsey while I coordinated with Tommy. Lindsey was available, which relieved the need for me to leave immediately. All worked out relatively well. We arrived around 11.30-12 and relieved Lindsey - my mom's wrist wasn't broken, but she did have an infection and fever and was given antibiotics. It was a long night. Jen/I got home around 1.30 AM, and of course, the dogs were up at 6.30 so… limited sleep. I checked in on my mom and got her meds to her. Jen planted the additional plants in the backyard. I worked on the Jikoji newsletter and related tasks while sporadically napping to recover some of the lost sleep that had built up. The Kiwanis invited Jen and me to a suite for a Sharks game. I'm not a sports person at all, I find the whole 'production' of games to be rather absurd and orchestrated tribalism, yet I do enjoy the basic aspects of skill and speed. I was, after all, a hockey dad in a past life. It was fun to get out regardless, meet people, support Jen, and spend $8.99 for a hot dog they'd give away free at a CarMax sales event. Jen had a blast which was what this was about, and I'm grateful to have been there with her. I still stop and marvel at all that transpired in our lives that brought us to where we are now, experiencing all we have and do. Oh, and the love, joy and encouragement she shared tonight with Tommy after he said that Stanford accepted him into their children's hospital as a volunteer was pure and genuine. We're both so happy for him. I think having us feel this and have the dynamic we've managed to foster has been a valuable aspect of his and Lauren's experiences over these past few years, too.

Mindset: Somber awareness of the fleeting opportunities we have to influence and experience so little yet so much. Nevin's dad died last night after a long decline. That will be a common occurrence as I myself age. He left behind a good man. I intend to do twice as much. I find it intensely intimate to recognize that all of the "supporting cast members" in my own experience have a full range of supporting cast in their own. So when a cast member departs and I observe the impact of the one left behind, I feel strongly attached to the experience of the one that's gone. Their story ended. How was it for them? How will it be told and from what perspective might it be seen? And where are they now, after that last breath? Where does consciousness go? And how does one go about the time they have themselves while balancing the to do…: the have to, want to and need to do set of ideals and ideals that form and inform our actions and outcomes.
Goals: Walk 2 miles. List moms books on eBay. Expand Exitidy content (stalled and stagnant).
Anticipation: Peter Gabriel with Matt B.
Wants: Inspiration. Motivation. Confidence. Contentment. And a continuous sense of continuation demanded with overlapping edges of completion.

Sleep continues to be an issue. Last night's was no exception. That being said it was a productive day. Sat Zazen and didn't let distractions (Scottie) make sideline me. Had another great conversation with Lauren. Ordered a live data device for reasonable cost after talking with PGE and returned the watt meter. Visited my mom. Sent in state taxes. Talked to MetLife about status updates. Talked to Schwab and confirmed all is moving forward for kids funds. Pulled to legacy mesh devices out of the home network after confirming Fiber signal coverage is sufficient — very satisfying to eliminate cords & cables clutter. Spent time doing plant and lawn work with Jen.

Mindset: Conflicted frustration - yet another bad sleep, likely brought on by taking extra strength Alieve on an empty stomach. What felt like "panic attacks" and nausea had me up from ~12 - 3 AM. Enough so that I got up, ate, and found ways to occupy my time until I was able to sleep again. Scottie was insistent on getting up at 6.45 and once outside, it was clear he was holding his bowels with all his might. Poor guy. I sat Zazen with deepbow online which was calming, but I'm still wrestling with a lot of uncertainty and even a returning lack of motivation. I think that can be due in part with breaking from 'normal' ways of being in the world (get a job any job, be responsible for everything, feel bad about things beyond your control or influence, and so much other 'noise' that just can be overwhelming in any given day. I keep putting others or my own OCD needs in front of my more pressing and urgent needs that require a degree of detachment that's not at all easy to master or manage.
Goals: Mail in State taxes/payment. Clear the stack of paperwork in flight. Clear the desk for Jen's needs. Walk 2 miles or more. Dive into and catch up on audio content all day… podcasts and more. Just get into sponge mode.
Anticipation: A quiet contemplative day clearing paths.
Wants: To calmly contain conflict and caustic comments connected to conceding control I never really have.

Although I was awake, I skipped going to Jikoji in the early am as planned. I did join the meeting but bow'd out before personals as I had other tasks to juggle. The power meter is helping me confirm appliance efficiency. I swapped out all remaining 'old school' bulbs for LED throughout the house and ordered a few new ones too. I posted the old and excess on CL but haven't gotten any interest so far. I also refined some of the home timers including the hot water pump to be less unpredictable. Trimmed Scottie's face a bit too. Talked further with Lauren about the SOX5 investigation she's initiated. It's something I'll write about in more detail elsewhere, but it's a great experience to be sharing with her and I can tell she's very interested in getting some further insights.

Highlights: Lookout Coffee with Jen. Summerwinds and plants for back yard. Continued work managing power measurement and usage. Ann Wilson at Mountain Winery (VIP parking and Redwood Desc courtesy of Diana Krall). Excellent show - still has a powerful voice even at 73!

Did I already lament the awful night's sleep? Well, it was just that. I'm planning on leveraging some meds tonight to still the mind, so to speak. ATT install went wicked-smooth and wicket-fast. I'm thrilled to pay almost 50% more for 8x the speed. Others on the street were getting installs too. Well played, ATT. The ridge pickup party with Jess 'n Bev was hot but stunning views and a couple wines I liked enough to buy. GOBM en route home and patio time w/Jen, and Lucky chasing balls. Wait. that needs a comma. There.

Mindset: Fatigued. Another awful sleepless night. It's not the lack of sleep that's disturbing it's the thoughts that accompany it.
Anticipation: ATT Fiber, Ridge

"stare-down on olive armchair"

Dog's walked, I got 2+miles in between coffee with JS and back. Lingered at Starbucks for a change of scenery while triaging and analyzing PGE metrics. Something is just not right. Ordered a kilowatt meter [arrives tomorrow] and need to start working to isolate the root cause of substantially high electric usage. I'm going to need Tommy's cooperation with his Tesla settings too. I'd like to get accurate data for managing the costs fairly for both of us. I filed taxes, accepting the scenario and hoping next year we can offset the impacts with having far less income. Between taxes and PGE I don't know which is more convoluted but both are designed to be so, I suspect, to confuse and distract. It's just not 'simple' and it could/should be. Hot day = warm evening and some patio time before watching episode #2 of "super models" with Jen.

Mindset: Strategically contemplative. I am trying to consider and plan action towards the remainder of the year while trying to let go of control and just let things occur organically. That's a challenge. I want to enter the opportunity with deepbow engagement knowing intentions and boundaries - to define and direct not be subject to any other scripts or agendas.
Goals: it's gonna be hot today: early morning walk to coffee and back then focused time on deliverable.
Anticipation: Sitting in a coffee shop mindful all the depths of experiences each person there is having, has had, may have, and how they too author their own world views.

Mindset: Torn. Frustrated that the night camera failed to capture anything in the front. Woke rested. Feeling mild struggle with maintaining a sense of connection to this experience vs being sucked into habitual routine. It's hard at times to stay fully mindful of impermanence and not give into the compulsion to fill time with trivial matters. I feel stuck in a chasm between mindsets. What's good is I'm questioning all intentions and pushing myself out of comfort zones. It gets old, but only when I forget how quickly this will fly by in hindsight.
Goals: Just be, today.
Anticipation: meet either deepbow about opportunities to be involved in site and onsite needs.
Wants: To inch further back to the more conscious side of the chasm and climb out.

We got up before 7, got some early morning sun, and walked the dogs for the first time in some time... with reasonable success. Lucky can be…. challenging. He was good. I want to return to routine walks for all of our sakes. I went to Dom's production shop and enjoyed the tour and process of producing logo items for many Bay Area institutions. It's a unique and clearly demanding business. The details, workflow, precision… wow. These are just incredible innovations. He's been doing it for 40 years! Talk about witnessing the changes in technology. Take a look at manufacturing and production equipment. I have some ideas of solutions for his technical challenges to think through further. Jen talked to Dao at Intel and has some additional conversations to have before likely returning as a contractor. The timing is yet another fantastic opportunity falling just after a step into nowhere was taken. It'll afford (pun intended) us to stabilize while we both work towards peripheral goals in parallel and during her off hours. I'll be a house-husband (cut to a clip from Queen's "I Want To Break Free" video). I pulled together all the docs and details for Tommy's passport application appointment tomorrow, and I will see how it plays out. I already told him to double-check all the requirements and ensure he's got all he needs, but we will see… hopefully, he got the cashier's check, but again, we will see. I'm trying not to rescue but to show how forethought and anticipation reduce risks. It's just what I do, not what he does, and that's a hard sell. Oh, he just arrived, and no, he did not get the cashier's check. So my fallback is a personal check - assuming our shared last name and shared DL Addresses will suffice for the check to be accepted. We will see. I had a great call with a place called HomeIntel that does metrics and analysis on power usage, something we need to better manage with PGE costs—another excellent example of detail, data and evolution of a business/industry. I have to find a volt measure. I connected with deepbow.org to discuss ways I can participate in their initiatives. I'm hoping to write and be an onsite presence at future symposiums. It's an area of great interest to explore further and participate in. I haven't been writing so much this week since returning from Catalina, as I've been finding myself unmotivated or distracted. That happens. I try to catch up later, and of course, by then, I've forgotten the myriad of other minor and significant moments in between.

Mindset: mildly irritable yet optimistic.
Goals: line up LiveHealth option #2.
Anticipation: further clearing of action items blocking and detracting me on higher priority needs.
Wants: more movement

Started the day with Deepbow meditation then Jikoji weekly meeting.Jen made an awesome breakfast including Keto French toast casserole. Productive day slamming through action items, calls, and more. Feels good to be thinning the list and starting to walk back from over committing further. Lauren came down for dental appt only to find they got the wrong 'shade' and she'll have to return 11/1. Wonderful to see her. Dinner w/her brother at Aqui. Jen was at Bev's for the afternoon enjoying wine and friendship.

Mindset: mildly anxious about the range of "action items" for the day. Jikoji, banking, taxes, follow up with several people, Lauren's visit, etc.
Goals: prioritize and act on each.
Anticipation: seeing Lauren!
Wants: I want a lot less of my day and time being spent attending to the wishes and interests of others at the cost of my own goals and needs. It can be too much at times and self care should always come first.

Continued garage work - It's like a hybrid gene of Tetris & Rubiks Cube. Posted some items on eBay and CL. Helped Tommy with tax filings. Jen worked at Discovery Days again. I have a pretty full day tomorrow including Lauren being on another 1d visit for dental stuff.

Mindset: relaxed. Had an odd dream where some "scam" bit me in the ass. Where'd that come from?
Goals: continue garage work.
Anticipation: continue Musk bio.
Wants: Daily 2m walk and continued focus on 2wk carnivore trial with Jen.