Mindset: Conflicted frustration - yet another bad sleep, likely brought on by taking extra strength Alieve on an empty stomach. What felt like "panic attacks" and nausea had me up from ~12 - 3 AM. Enough so that I got up, ate, and found ways to occupy my time until I was able to sleep again. Scottie was insistent on getting up at 6.45 and once outside, it was clear he was holding his bowels with all his might. Poor guy. I sat Zazen with deepbow online which was calming, but I'm still wrestling with a lot of uncertainty and even a returning lack of motivation. I think that can be due in part with breaking from 'normal' ways of being in the world (get a job any job, be responsible for everything, feel bad about things beyond your control or influence, and so much other 'noise' that just can be overwhelming in any given day. I keep putting others or my own OCD needs in front of my more pressing and urgent needs that require a degree of detachment that's not at all easy to master or manage.
Goals: Mail in State taxes/payment. Clear the stack of paperwork in flight. Clear the desk for Jen's needs. Walk 2 miles or more. Dive into and catch up on audio content all day… podcasts and more. Just get into sponge mode.
Anticipation: A quiet contemplative day clearing paths.
Wants: To calmly contain conflict and caustic comments connected to conceding control I never really have.
