Mindset: Contemplative resentment. I am becoming the routine "go to" for the dogs in the am. It impedes on my intention and focus to reflect with gratitude each morning for simply being here, and to focus on the day's agenda. Only first, dogs gotta pee 'n dogs gotta eat. They can be insistent but it's through t insistence that they believe they bring about their breakfast. I'm inspired though by the morning meditation on calm about "mood tunnels". Knowing you're in "a mood" will in itself take you out of that mood enough to recognize it as such. It made me note for my ongoing list of reminders that "Our perception and interpretation define our experience." After the calm app I opened the daily stoic and was pleased to have the topic follow a related path. " ""Whenever you take offense at someone's wrongdoing, immediately turn to your own similar failings. …By thinking on this, you'll quickly forget your anger, considering also what compels them"—MARCUS AURELIUS," Yep. I'm finding plenty in that I can relate to, too.
Goals: working with Mark, widening the kitchen doorway for my mom.
Anticipation: hearing back hopefully today as to my BIGS recording submission.
Wants: Continued conscious awareness of my influence on others and myself by being aware of our individual limitations, needs, and desires, all while keeping the greater reality of impermanence and nature in mind.

LG Cafe with Tommy. Jen finished and delivered meals for the Sukers for week 1, it was quite an extensive effort, down to getting trays and lids that gave it that catered feel. Next week…. I'm pressing for Swansons or maybe Lean Cuisine. My mom called struggling to login to her computer and it was a bit alarming as it ended up being a strong indication of memory issues setting in. Ugh. I feel so bad for her, because she's aware of this increasing. I received Linda's State tax refund but the online deposit rejected it because it's not her signature. Really. So, bank trip tomorrow, I guess. The big accomplishment of the day was the BIG accomplishment of the recording submission that originated regarding Jen's parents situation. I feel good about the end result and I'm optimistic it completes the task of achieving my certification. This is a milestone. Hopefully. Jen and I had a nice evening walk and then took in the "Super Blue Moon".

I call this portrait "entitlement at dawn"

Jikoji Zazen, breafast and meeting. Michael offered me an original painting of the Jikoji hills and I'm thrilled at the prospect. The fundraiser continues to do well. I worked on BIG training steps and consolidating my checklist hierarchy. I made further progress but I'm still working through it . It keeps 'opening up' to more levels of complexity, but that also makes me realize the value of what I will be doing once I have it all streamlined and ingrained. I'm feeling really positive about the progress and tomorrow. Tommy's ear issues last night got resolved - he had an infection and damaged his ear drum which will take time to heal but it was a good learning experience.

Mindset: somewhat anxious. I am trying to complete the milestones with this training, and yesterday's session gave me a sense of being unprepared, but it's true practice that I will improve in Lake many things. I'm probably overthinking it and trying to make it better than it needs to be. Chen and I will work on it again today and we will see how it goes. I met Jikoji and about to head into my Zazen sit. I really enjoy the drive up here every week it plays right into a sense of connection to nature and harmony, but it's always so hard to keep the mind still for 30 minutes let alone 3.
Goals: BIG recording

Dropped Lauren off after her visit and we miss her already, Tommy included. I decided to skip going to Jikoji and focus on BIG tasks. I did join the service/dharma talk via Zoom and I also made some changes to finesse the funding aspects of offering discounts. Jen and I did a BIG exercise with a planning deck of cards that really helped me put some more context around my efforts to get my head around how I want to approach this. It was very productive. We attended a house concert with Valerie on Comstock Ave in Woodside near Kings Mountain. Stunning location, lovely home, fun performers ("Dirty Cello"). Tommy had a bad ear ache and ended getting part of a paper towel get lodged in his ear. Appeared to be painful. Letting him manage it while giving him all the best advice and support possible. Learning experiences are best when they're not life threatening.

Mindset: a little sad, to be honest. A little depressed. Yesterday was such a milestone, and a lot of reflection on 20 years behind me and hopefully, 20 years ahead, has me experiencing a sense of melancholy. Maybe it's because Lauren's visit was so short, and I enjoy her being around. Maybe it's recognizing the passage of time and how quickly it all seems to have gone. It's being more conscious about the passing of their mom and the 10 years spent in and dis-harmony. It wasn't necessary, yet it was in that I wasn't in the place I am now, and I appreciate it more because of that. I know, I think too much. I certainly am grateful for the awareness and presence I am experiencing, no longer banging my head against a wall trying to convince anybody to accept me for who I am or forgive me for who I'm not.
Goals: To continue before I go outline and the interview again tonight or tomorrow at the latest. I need to get that submission in and move forward.
Anticipation: Jennifer and I will attend some sort of a cello concert with her cousin tonight in Woodside.

Wants: to continue on the focused path I am re-aligning with. To complete the BIG certifications this week. To use that and my momentum to finish the website. To draft a brochure or some other sort of material, I could make it available easily through social media or physical presence. To do a little more minimizing of other distractions.

Twenty Two

Today was a pretty significant day. I've had the wonderful experience of spending it with three people I love who've shaped my life in numerous ways for the better. Four, if I count the brief visit with my mom towards the end. Five, if you squint hard enough to twist reality and factor in a visit to the cemetery. The day has been spent recognizing a milestone anniversary, the birth of my kids, a full twenty years ago.

Fearne Cotton on Gratitude

Mindset: contemplative. I'm thinking deeply about what can keep me focused not on the feelings of any given moment (joy frustration confusion remorse) but on gratitude for bending here at all, every day, having this experience at all.
Goals: More work on BIG and Exitidy.
Anticipation: breakfast with Marlin. Maybe Stanford Theater tonight.

Great am with a pleasant start of a calm morning on the patio, taking in the sun while listening to some guided meditations. 10 am BIG call went really well - felt so in the zone. Time with Jen working on Exitidy stuff was productive too. I have more work to do but made good headway. A tech-support call with my mom took 57 minutes without resolution but was solved over dinner by geek friends in less than 60 seconds! We had a phenomenal dinner out with 4 other couples at Divine Wine and Cheese. We loved not only the food but the fact that we are so very lucky to have such wonderful friendships and the opportunity to connect, laugh, and share these experiences.

Mindset: I'm at the far point of an orbit. I can feel the pull back towards closer focus happening. It feels right.
Goals: BIG focus, BIG recording, Exitidy checklist.
Wants: jet stream focus. aggressive presence. a "best interest" outlook of where my time goes. self care. find balance beteeen patience and urgency.

David Benoit put on an awesome show tonight!

Another day of lofty goals that got away from me, or that I dodged. I'm in need of inspiration and focus. I will spend tine tomorrow with the "GROW" mindset in mind. We did have a nice morning. I had breakfast at LG Cafe with Tommy and Jen/I walked the dogs but I did NOT get my 2 miles in and that's one of those critical habits I need to force into place. I did get the garage door opener up and beyond a small need to raise the bar, literally, it went well. It's not all done though, I have to put the sensors and switch in tomorrow to complete it. It was getting hot. I was wise to pivot plans and start on that in the morning. It was over 91 today and it's still not down to a comfortable point for opening the windows. I did start on BIG work but changed directions once I realized I had some more materials to leverage so that's my morning tomorrow. After an early rise, early walk and sunlight intake of course.

Mindset: Fragmented intention. The morning alarm was enough to get me out of bed, but only because it was out of reach, and the distance was not far enough to prevent my return. I slept well. For me that means limited waking periods. I am on the patio, getting some morning light while drinking water and just enjoying the 'space' here. I am enjoying it so much these days and found myself thinking, for a brief moment, about the oncoming winter months and what I'll do then, and I realized I was doing 'that thing' I want to stop doing - thinking about and 'dreading' some 'day when' on the horizon. That's just a waste of now and a projection of negativity. As cold as it was when Lauren and I would walk to school in the mornings from Matson, it was still wonderful and exhilarating. So, I'll anticipate that. Wonder and exhilaration.
Goals: I have a lot of things piling up to tackle. Garage door opener assembly and installation. Taxes and how to fund them. A 2hr C&C training. (Compassion and Choice). BIGS recording and submission (tonight). MetLife follow-up. Exitidy bullet points. I have made less progress than desired yet each day ends up feeling filled with mole-whacking, and my focus gets fragmented. I'm going to lock into getting BIGS recording done for certain, MetLife follow up calls, and perhaps the door opener will get started if not completed. Those seem the most time critical.
Anticipation: I'm on the fence about the last Jazz on the Plazz. It's David Benoit and I love his playing. I just don't feel the motivation this am to go early and try and secure some sweet spot but I will likely do so anyway and be glad I did. I guess that's another one of those philosophical considerations - loving the effort not the end result. Hmmm.
Wants: I want to re-engage on Exitidy to the point of engaging with mock and beta clients. It's almost September and I have a busy month ahead there too. I want want to clear a lot of those aforementioned 'moles' needing whacking which is accepting my limitations or letting go of a need to own and do it all. I want more time being awake and content.

So many memories over so many decades, all sepia-toned, all vignetted.

My early morning sojourn to Starbucks in lieu of Jikoji was a fail. Well, I'd call it a success in that I was not detracted but distracted. I like the quiet AM at home much more and that'll be where I start my day tomorrow. The patio. My patio. The morning was rather full with running to pickup the walker for my mom, teh garage door opener too, then dropping the walker and returning home after a visit. She liked the walker. I hope it helps her recover some back flexibility. I know she's in pain and it's wearing. I worked on transitioning back accounts and transfers and such to consolidate things as the kids are 'cut off' from much of the legacy stipends and as of 8/26, they're responsible for cell phone and food costs of their own. I'm taking from their trust funds vs having them pay me, as it's one less step, and already integrated. Tommy's EV charging costs and a very generously lowballed estimate for his overall cost in food, water, electricity, household materials, cleaning and such are also coming out of his trust. I'm a tax refund for Linda will add to that soon. Jen did volunteer work and made a stellar 'keto' cheesesteak sandwich meal that had me going back for 2nds. And 3rds. We made a GOBM run too, and with this new budget in place I'm a bit more relaxed about snagging "Spiced Apple" Waterloo's and burger meat for Tommy. It's all reasonable and there's always give and take going on. I took down and took apart the old garage door opener this evening too. I'm optimistic that assembling and installing the other will go as smoothly. Hopefully the only issue I'll encounter might be heat-stroke but perhaps I'll assemble in the am and wait for the PM or Thurs to position. That garage gets ridiculously hot. This was a good day all around. I felt connected to and grateful for Jennifer, my mom, Tommy, Lauren via a couple of texts, and both dogs.

Mindset: Calmly annoyed by the fact that even in an effort to enjoy morning light from a different location, in this case the corner Starbucks, I"m treated to 80's pop on the outside patio. I'm making an effort to be present and don't want a soundtrack applied. It's so common, really, to have music piped into shopping areas, when you stop and think about it. And I'm thinking about it a lot as I work to be more present and filter the distractions.
Goals: Pickup and drop off the raised high walker to my mom. Pickup the garage door opener. Outline my BIG interview. Bonus will be the checklist.
Anticipation: The first cup of Coffee in 60 min.
Wants: Organize and minimize more of the 'small stuff' that continues to clutter my home and my thoughts. Being focused, creative, and deeply in 'the zone' accomplishing something significant every day. That's a routine I want to adopt with intention.

My day started early, with another long walk, although this time, I left the earbuds and phone behind. I remembered watching a great video that reinforced how taking time away from constant 'input' and content consumption makes a big difference, and it's spot on. I think my next big focus might be going minimal in that arena. It'll be hard, in a way, because I get so much out of the daily calm and numerous other podcasts, but I want to find a balance, and I want my walks to be densely rewarding and connecting. I also want to get the dog walking back into the equation. I'll work on that with Jen. Jen went to see her mom and dad today. After 5 years of radio silence. Some very interesting developments yesterday through her brother and sister-in-law created an opening and an opportunity for her to see her dad and put her mom's dysfunction into the context of a true disorder, currently due to minor strokes but historically just out of her limited belief system. It's a wonderful opening and opportunity, and I could not be happier for Jen to have this chance to reconnect with them from a more manageable emotional space. What she shared about the experience after returning home tonight was moving and rewarding to hear. Thanks to one incredibly generous individual, Jikoji hit its fundraising goal sooner than I imagined. I've recommended we maintain the efforts to build out more funds for the forthcoming septic needs. It feels satisfying to have played a role in getting this off the ground and the messaging behind it. I heard back from Ilana at 'Deepbows' regarding my Boulder story and its was well received. I have hopes that pans out into an ongoing opportunity.

Lost in What If

"It's ruinous for the soul to be anxious about the future and miserable in advance of misery, engulfed by anxiety that the things it desires might remain its own until the very end. For such a soul will never be at rest—by longing for things to come it will lose the ability to enjoy present things."
—SENECA, MORAL LETTERS, 98.5b–6a"

> Another all around wonderful day with so many moments of significant simple grace and synergy. I got up, got sun, and even got a 1.75 mile walk in solo while listening to a podcast and attempting to try dictation with moderate success. Jen and I walked the dogs and had a great conversation about the whole situation with with her mom. I realized as we talked that my I was more upset by her continued disregard for herself than that of her mom, in that she's routinely expecting something other than 'what is' and I have had my own battles with that same scenario. It's all 'thought' really, in the grand scheme of things all this upset is tied to perception and the idea that something should be what it's not. Accepting what it is, for what it is, and letting go of wanting it to be otherwise, is a hard task. The podcast this am referenced how anger is really an expression of heartbreak. How fitting. Yet in the end all this upset does nothing to change the situation. For Jen though, the situation changed this afternoon. Her brother pressed her dad on things and her mom's stroke has given Jen a reasoning for finding that balance. They said she is no longer congntivley function and has limited ability to process things. That affords Jennifer a baseline to work from in understanding the nature of what is, including her mom's lifelong disconnect being simply who she is, but now with a diagnosis that puts her current actions into a narrative that explains it. It's a bit of a hack in a way, but it's a path that's opened and she needs it. I actually think this is an ideal scenario and far better than a sudden passing without any possible closure, at least in the manner in which we tend to desire for our own comfort and comprehension. Jen's going up tomorrow to see her Dad and I am very happy for her to be doing so. We attended Music in the Park with friend and unlike prior outings the sound was such that it was impossible to hear anybody or make out the music. It was over-cranked and muddy. I just rode it out but could not engage. We had friends over after and had a great evening outside talking and laughing. Velma and Kelly are such interesting people and we always have wonderful conversations. The night ended with the garage door opener literally breaking - the car oopped off and shot across the room. I'm glad it's summer and not an urgent fix. I'll do some research and decide how to go about replacing myself or perhaps hire somebody to install it. TBD. 1st world problem. Oh and I got the artwork part of the Jikoji fundraiser addressed too, that felt gratifying.

Mindset: I want to reboot and refine my daily routines. Again. Like anything, I can set a 100% goal and gratefully achieve 70%. I've gotten up to 185lbs. My ideal weight is 165. I'm going to incorporate some of these recent learnings related to mornings, dopamine, caffeine and serotonin. I'm not gonna overdo it. I'll focus on the continuation of my normal routine, incorporating the cold shower bit whenever I have the opportunity, with getting up and outside seems to be the most accessible and achievable.
Goals: complete the birthday book for the kids. I'm going to do an homage to Tom Claiborne with a photo from every birthday. Tom's mother did this for him. It was a wonderful thing to see.
Anticipation: I'm looking forward to enjoying a carnivore day and relaxing in Los Gatos at the photo music on the park event. I think we're just gonna go solo unless we hear from others. Maybe will bring the dog we face.
Gratitude: I'm grateful to have so many choices and options available to help me focus on staying present and conscious of my limited time, and the gift to enjoy every day.

On more than one prior occasion I have referenced just how much can and does happen in a day. My God, the intricacies that occur within.just an hour let alone 24 or in this case, 72 or more. It's amazing how docile and deep one day can be with little or no awareness paid to other than the baseline fundamental thoughts of core necessities, to another day of all-in engagement and full presence in a given activity or focused thought. There are days… there are days that are full and densely packed with experience, the last few days being good examples of both. There was the 3 vehicle's in one day "flat tire, flat tire, won't start" scenario Thursday with evening drama and efforts to approach with compassion and insight. It worked well but was a challenge for all three of us as a family having partial insights to only a fraction of the greater truth. Poetic, right?  Friday Jen was sleeping in after feeding the dogs and I had a pressing need for some solo time. I walked to Starbucks, got coffee and settled into a comfy chair after a brief moment at a table amongst tables soon to be occupied for about 23 minutes by middle-schooler's en route to UMS. It was a proactive survival move. I met and briefly chatted with a 'regular' whose name escapes me. I told them about exitidy and felt confident doing so. I lingered and worked on the Jikoji fundraiser instead of my planned focus. It was still a good use of time learning how things work and how things don't. "Packages" are complicated. I had to fix issues with invoice dates, and I also setup, launched and refined the fundraising. Even later at home I pivoted to the crowdfunding setup within Moonclerk. Donations stalled midday and haven't moved since. Jen and I ran to GOBM for dinner party needs. Simple non-cooking light summer stuff and we had a pleasant summer evening enjoying pleasant summer foods on the patio with friends. Today (Saturday) was more low key and evenly paced. Tommy and I visited my mom briefly and saw Lindsey too. Tommy expressed concern about her decline to me as I had to my brother later. Quality of life matters and I'm hoping there's some relief for her on the near horizon in the realm of medication or physical therapy or even a graceful painless passing in the night… and that comes from love and experience. This is her journey and I want comfort and contentment for throughout all the time she has left. We had a casual hangout with Dom/Mary at their place which was a relaxing fun time.

LG Cafe with Tommy. Delicious. Lucky's doing better after what seemed like a tough night. I managed a bunch of paper shuffling needs and had a great brainstorming session with Jen about Exitidy and a wide range of considerations, ideas and options. We had a date night for Jazz in the Plazz and it was awesome music and time relaxing. She met a possible connection for her fashion work through Steve at Kiwana's. Getting the Priests and Marioni's lined up for next week was exciting. It'll be a busy week and it feels so good to be enjoying so many things with good friends and family.

The morning at Jikoji was great. It was good to see Michael back. I returned home and took Lucky for his grooming…. to the wrong Petco. :-/. I rolled with it and took him to the right one and it all worked out fine. Lauren called and walked us through her new dorm apartment and it's such a nice upgrade. She's doing great and it's a joy to witness. Tommy on the other hand, well, we clashed over ice cubes of all things - he's got such a caustic approach that's so hard to roll with. I did what I could including detouring tonight while out with Jen to stop and get more trays so the issue is avoiding going forward, but it was unnecessary to start with. Cardz was fun and I played a perfect game. I didn't get the work I wanted done from this mornings goals but I'll work on that tomorrow as I expect to be home all day.

Mindset: Optimism. I'm heading back to Jikoji for meditation and breakfast. I failed, again, to set the coffee to brew last night, but it's a minor inconvenience and I'm waiting to head up as it does. Simply because I am eager to try the new brew we found. It's the little things. I don't usually go up Tuesdays but that might be a change I want to make. We will see.
Goals: act on BIG and Exitidy needs - specifically my outline and list of deliverables and considerations as starters.
Anticipation: Lucky grooming. Cards tonight.
Wants: Memory improvements. Not making them but retaining them. :-).

It was a pleasant surprise to find Pamela back at Jikoji this morning, and to learn that Michael was arriving later in the day. I will return tomorrow am for another sit because I want to have breakfast with them and hear how things went. They're both really genuine and real people. Jen and I ran to Costco for dog food supplies and I picked up some veggie quiches to take up too. I don't know yet how the conversation with the resident went and I can only hope it was taken well. I hope it have a change tomorrow to talk to them about my impression regarding their own unmet potential. I worked today on some further site revisions and refinements. I'm still dragging my feet on the BIG tasks but that's next I had a good positive regarding my benefits inquiries and I'm hopping for some progress tomorrow. I also need to find a primary care physician through Jen's plans while we have them which has always been a challenge in the past. I'm still mulling over how I might opt to respond to the recent outreach I've mentioned previously. I keep, gratefully, looking at this as a growth opportunity and I feel like it's the most thought I've put into an exchange in a long time. It's all good, just quite a surprise and quite a unique scenario. It's been 24 years and amazing to even reflect on that alone, not to mention all the changes and experiences and life lived. That's a lot of catching up. If only I had decades of writings online to refer to ;-D. I carted three loads of dirt to the back yard from the sidewalk in an effort to make a further dent in the work Jen did. Another day or two and it'll be done.

Mindset: Conflicted. there's a staffing and personnel related scenario playing out at the Zen center and it's reminiscent of prior experiences in a managerial role that I have discomfort around. Specifically, and whether or not, it's appropriate for me to be involved with the conversation with this individual when I'm not really in any position of authority amongst the residence involved in this. It's not my business. I'm a song a member. I'm part of a community. So it's part of a community. Would it be appropriate for me to be involved in dialogue and confrontation within the smaller community that make up the people that live there? I don't think so. Maybe it's a different scenario when you're dealing with the more ethereal aspects of community and sangha and involvement on a routine basis. But my gut tells me that at a minimum, having a level of privacy and direct open dialogue with those involved in the circumstance, is potentially healthier and more respectful that those boundaries be recognized. So I'm heading up anyway to get some time with the community meditating. I also want to , get an accounting of the donations this week prior to next weeks Sacheen. But then I will depart. One of the things I've come to realize about life and the nature of individual personal interactions and group dynamics is that there is no "safe space" and there is no perfect environment where in everybody just ideally consistently and perfectly harmonize in their interactions. It's another aspect of her life is nature and nature is chaos. Why do I always think of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park when I make that statement? Or I have a pretty open day today and I think once I'm down the mountain that I will return to my focus on the completion of my certification course, and the website redesign, which I didn't get to yesterday. I also have a counseling appointment this afternoon that I'm a little nervous about. Only because it's a critical component of my ability to continue to operate outside of the realm of the corporate world and defer resorting to Plan B. I did hear back from the Heart Mind Institute, and they did opt to go with another candidate, and that's totally fine, and understandable, and probably best for all of us. But they did maintain a strong interest in my consideration for future needs in 2024. I'm all in on that. And I've established a connection that I think will be an important one in my short term future. I am grateful for my retained connection and awareness to how stunning an evening sunset, or a morning sunrise can be. The drive up the mountain is spectacular. And the daylight is shifting as the season slowly begins to change, greeting my morning, Drive with scattered lights and sky, breaking through muted muted hues of scattered clouds.

Tommy went with Vinny to Big Sur with Luca and they had a sub-par experience there. Luca and Vinny both had something upset their stomachs and ended up being sick. Not fun. Jen and I had a pleasant morning. I drafted and sent an initial reply to Toni, acknowledging receipt and making the point that I'd reply more once I got my head around how and what I want to say in response, which is a challenge and growth opportunity in and of itself. Jen and I made a GOBM run, addressed our own tasks and then met Mark and Wendy and Olivia for Music in the Park again. It was so enjoyable. Just leaning back, listening to a wonderful singer, talking, laughing, and being surrounded by trees, vibrant collections of families and friends walking, talking, laughing too, and just experiencing the sort of moment that makes life worth being engaged in fully. Back at home later Tommy shared more details about their trip to Big Sur in a way that felt like progress as far as our dialogs and interactions continuing to improve.

Mindset: Hesitant anticipation. Something's on the horizon. I am sensing it and have been for awhile. I have a feeling something is 'just around the corner'. I entered 2021 feeling a similar intuition and 2 months into it, learned of Linda's tumor. But what is intuition and when to you discount or honor a gut feeling? I woke with a series of swirling thoughts, each feeling interconnected to each other in an abstract way, and I'm wondering what it's going to lead to. Or more accurately, what I'm going to do with it - how I'm going to respond. One of the thoughts in my half-waking state was a 1st person sense of leaning forward on a cliff, akin to taking a leap of faith, but perhaps influenced by a post on a separate blog with a similar image. I do feel like I'm leaning in both introspectively and amongst friends, and in my own yet-to-be-fully-engaged intentions to build out an end-of-life consulting practice. Maybe that's part of it. The time I've put into meditation and Jikoji feels balancing and balanced but I want to focus on other options too. The time I'm considering putting into "deep bow" feels like a great pairing of ideas and ideals, but I'm also mindful of my motives. Jen is supportive but not taking every step in unison, which is fine, but at what point might our paths diverge in a manner that threatens our alignment and harmony? I"m not worried, just consiously considerate of that. I care about what I have with her being health and nurtured. Speaking of attention, another thought this morning was questioning my true intentions. The message from Toni brought up a sense of introspection about the origins of the action I took that severed our friendship. I've blamed Linda for putting pressure on me to sever the ties, but that's disingenuous - I was growing in a different direction and not feeling connected or in harmony with that relationship at that time. I just could have and should have managed it better, and I own that. I own everything, really, when it comes to response, pressured or not. Considering my current paths, and the value I find in the communities I've become engaged with, I want to be present, authentic while doing so. I don't want to smile and nod in agreement. I don't want to default to seeking acceptance and validation. I want to ask questions, contemplate and most importantly, be honest about what does or does not resonate or 'work' for me. All without turning away from an opportunity to grow. I guess it all comes back down to 'nature' and 'response'. All I can control is my response, really. And it's in that space that I want to balance being open-minded but not  "disingenuous".

Goals: I want to 'hunker down' today and work all day on the backlog of documents, paperwork and action items I've let pile up. That will require saying NO to whatever surfaces as a new-shiny things I might otherwise chase.
Anticipation: Music in the Park.
Wants: Whatever's coming up, if something is 'on the horizon' as I mentioned, I want to meet with grace and acceptance and navigate well.

Bacon Rorschach - how OCD effects everything

Today was an amazingly full and active day of serendipity and synchronicity. After an early waking and a gratifying morning of sunlight on the patio, coffee, bacon and eggs, I left for the mindfulness symposium, and Jen worked on the yards with Tommy. The symposium was insightful. It's hard to explain how it affected me, but it did feel like I was in a room filled with like-minded people seeking connection and community while trying to manifest constant awareness of interconnection. I told Jen I wasn't sure if I drank some tainted Kool-Aid or if I found a calling. I also noted recently how I was vacillating between associating the past year's exposure and growth with something "coming my way" or my actively seeking it and, in doing so, pursuing and receiving it. Whatever the case, I supposed August might be the point historians reflect on my journals as the point he 'lost it.' I'm inclined to think I've found it, though. It being comfortable being genuine, authentic, accessible and inquisitive. While I was there for the full day, Jen and Tommy completed the lawn work. Amazing. We went to dinner together at an Indian place in Saratoga, and then Jen went to Frank and Ilana's with me to meet with the symposium attendees for a casual open house. That was a continuation of the earlier experiences and gave me a chance to talk to them about involvement in some of their upcoming plans and efforts. It's a chance to enter a field of influence I've wanted to be a part of for some time. Finally, today, about 12+ years after I reached out to attempt to apologize to a friend I'd callously abandoned back in 1998, the response at the time being a slammed door of anger, I received a new message reaching back out to reframe and revisit that slam. I'm not sure how to process it right now, but it's seemingly all in alignment with the theme of the chaos of nature and the lack of control over anything beyond your reactions.

Mindset: contemplative. I'm sitting out back watching several squirrels., scurrying and climbing about the trees. I wonder where they sleep at night. Do they burrow? Do they have some space in the corner of a bush? Do they return to the exact location every night? I doubt they wrestle with envy over other squirrels' accommodations. They seem to go with the flow, follow their nature and not be influenced by emotion, status and greed beyond mere instinctual survival or a need to be seen by anybody as anything other than a squirrel. I assume. Anyway, the morning, so my feels good on my face today. Jennifer's efforts last night to move the dirt from the front to the back were successful, and it's coming together nicely. Oh, I slept well thanks to a pain pill for my back, which is flaring up there to her exertion of trying to lift. Lift and dump dirt from a 40 gallon recycling bin. Sure it was less back-and-forth but far more difficult. Lesson learned.
Goals: none. I have no goals today. I'm not gonna try to do anything. I'm just going to be present for the day and the upcoming symposium. Actually, I do have one goal. Not to be judgmental. To have an open mind.
Anticipation: the opportunity to learn, and reinforce things i am learning.
Wants: I want all the insectd in the backyard to be gone 😊. I want to be living with less stress and frustration by recognizing that I am the source of that. learning to say no. Being more comfortable not being the one who is always responding to others wants and needs over my own. That is still a subconscious reflex. meditation and mindfulness may be all about rewiring your brain and learning to think and respond differently but it's not as if all negative feelings ever go away … they're just recogn sooner and responded to more proactively.

Seriously? go # &, Siri.

Tommy offered to buy breakfast at LGCafe as I sat on the patio taking in the morning sun (even though it rained briefly) and I said yes. It was a good decision, we had a good time and got along reasonably well. I was thinking that at some level he's struggling with his sincere gratitude and affection for me and the things I've tried to do while being 19, and raised without boundaries, and taught that I'm the bad guy. That's a lot to balance. Things went south in the pm on a Costco trip where i had to explain again that at 20, while working full time and living rent free, he needs to be reasonably responsible for his major food costs. Today I managed to move a chunk of the soil to the back but petered out and opt'd to pay Francisco, our gardener for decades, to do it. Later in the evening Jen got motivated and started working on it to the point that it's going to be managed without help. Coffee with JS was pleasant and I think we both enjoy getting out of the house. I listened to Mark Adam's final dharma talk at the suggestion of Charles and it was powerful. I'm in the right place with the right people. Tomorrow's symposium on meditation, mindfulness and medicine is going to be very interesting. I'm grateful to have been invited. I worked today on refining the jikoji email responses so they're more specific and less confusing based on the event type. I also got the rest of the scheduled Sunday program webpages setup for the online registration flow and watched it working as a couple of people booked and paid or used promo codes. The more i use the tool the more i learn about what it can do. As you would expect. I managed to work through a lot of minor reminders today too.

Mindset: unpredictable. And I say that because although the weather application indicates zero precipitation, I am sitting on the back patio, trying to get my dose of morning sunlight as raindrops are falling on my head. And all around me. Technology is great, when it works. My actual mindset today is simplicity. I am recognizing that the more time I take to stay focused and engaged the more time I seem to have. The more experience I seem to gain. The more presence, accomplishment and progress. Yesterday was a good example. I didn't writing night, ut a lot got done. A good BIGS,A good BIGS call with Susie Astec support for my business name and logo. They really good panel interview with the people at heart mind. It made me feel confident I have established a new path and opportunity. Jennifer and I moved all the dirt need it on the front, and I thought of an effective Jennifer and I moved all the dirt needed on the front, and I thought of a effective way to expediently move the rest of it to the back using the 40 gallon green waste containers. I also made further refinements to the registration system and set up an auto reply, and refine the email response forms as well. I have a number of things That I feel confident I can accomplish today. Now that it's stopped raining.
Goals: make sure registration email confirmations successfully send from Checkfront. They have to just check a box in the notifications section to enable programs. Move the dirt from the front yard to the back. Re-architect the template for exitidy.com, and draft an outline of the key talking point and checklists if time allows.
Anticipation: working coffee/lunch with JS.
Wants: I want to lose 10 pounds by mid September. I want to get my workshop proposal approved with comfort and confidence that I can do it but I realize that can't be a blocker from getting it on the calendar. I may have to fake it till I make it. I want to stay present enough to roll with whatever natural organic things flow my way throughout the day and then Steve Winwood said, "roll with it". Clear water muddies when you attempt to change its natural flow.

Mindset: Flexible. Well, maybe not my body. I didn't sleep well. I'm a little sore from working in the yard and I know I have a few more days of doing more. I'm doing my best to pace myself, so I don't introduce any long-term issues, but I guess at 60 that's how you approach physical labor. Mentally, I'm doing great. A lot of things continue to just fall into place. This morning's calm meditation was about control and recognizing that you have none. I love that. She even quoted with my favorite authors related to this topic. it's a mindset I've been embracing, adopting and incorporating into constant conscious awareness. (That sentence would score high in mindful buzzword bingo.) i'm also feeling better about the direction and momentum of the multiple pursuits. I love this quote by Saul Alinsky - "As an organizer I start from where the world is, as it is, not as I would like it to be. That we accept the world as it is does not in any sense weaken our desire to change it into what we believe it should be—it is necessary to begin where the world is if we are going to change it to what we think it should be."
Goals: work at Jennifer on the lawn. Roll out the reservation system changes. Contact Metlife to follow up and confirm the latest updates.
Anticipation: returning to old Fishermans grotto with my good friend Matt after so many years. We used to go down there with my girlfriend Holly when we were 18. Now we arr going with Jennifer, at 62. I want to relive the experience. I told him he came here with the first woman a dated, and now he gets to come with the last. :-). "Bookends"!
Wants: continued enjoyment of this transitional time in my life and the opportunity to enjoy morning sun and earth casual dog walk in a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.

> It's been a good productive day. I enjoyed my AM in the sunlight but we didn't make it out to walk the dogs. We both got busy with several things. The most substantive being the delivery of the dirt for the new lawn. In hindsight I think it was shortsighted to not level things out more as it'll take time, water, heat and erosion for things to settle. I'll take care of that in the back. Jen worked her butt off and I helped as much as I could with loading and wheeling dirt from the street to every nook and cranny. We'll have to repeat it tomorrow and then start on the back yard. I had a great call with Michael at BIGS and I'm feeling very empowered and aligned with the final steps. I started listening to "Ajahan Sucitto" last night based on a recommendation from Charles/Amanda and I really got a lot out of the first listen. Jen's diving into doing some site feedback for Maria already and I'm impressed with what she's done already. I started mansplaining and she gracefully let me know she knew what she was talking about. And she does. That's a bad learned habit I need to unlearn. I will. I did well today staying present and even conscious about being irritated with the front lawn work, wherein my realization of the absurdity of being irritated kicked in very quickly. A recent podcast was saying that even after years of effort you can't always unlearn subconscious responses but you learn to manage them a lot better. I'm on that path and I'm enjoying every day more because of it.

Full Moon August

I appreciate and identify with his mindset on nature, consciousness and connections. It's validating to her others speaking of the same foundational principles.

Mindset: Transitional. I feel change happening. Change in the air, the temperature, season, but also the opportunities, direction and influence I have over what I strive for and how I manage what comes within reach or not. For all I know, everything could fall apart today. And that would be OK. Because it just would be what it is. As long as I'm here to respond to circumstances, I am doing well enough.

Goals: I have a couple of calls or conferences today and want to be present for those. In parallel, the dirt is being delivered, and I wanna participate in getting it moved. I'm not risking any neck-related injuries as I did when we moved over a year ago, and I lifted too much. That wasn't worth it.

Today's my friend Matt's birthday. I've known him for 50 years. I can't count on one hand how many friends I've had for as long. Happy birthday Matt. See you on a park bench soon.

A great day at Jikoji. It's a community and a mindset that helps me recognize our shared humanity, desire to be our best yet the constant struggle to stay present, mindful and to avoid the pitfalls of judgement. Judgement is a hot button for me because it's also a horrible weakness. I'm so quick to want the benefit of the doubt but it's almost second nature to deny it. What a struggle that is. In any event it was a good day, with lots of continued wonder and opportunity surfacing all around myself and Jen. The upcoming symposium, the connections Jen's making with the Emericks, the harmony in our shared experiences with stretching beyond our comfort zones, her friend Cindy's visit and what's happening for her, even Tommy getting tapped into the Huberman Labs podcasts and being so interested in the science of mindfulness. So much is going on right now, honestly in ways I'm only partially aware of until it's right in front of me. Other noteworthy observations from the past few days include Charles making a reference to there being no "away" from a consciousness standpoint as well as my desire to move faster in my endeavors might be greed based vs letting things flow as they naturally will. Good points. Also noteworthy was JF's reference that 10 people contributing 10% can add up to a 200% total. That was our dinner experience, for certain. What else? I got the rest of the cardboard tonight at Costco, quite quickly, and the dirt arrives tomorrow. Dom kindly dropped his wheelbarrow off for our use, I'm so grateful he was so willing to bring it over. It might have been a hard fit in the mini ;-). BTW TIL that the meaning of the word "barrow" is an open container for carrying people or goods. The earliest barrows were carried by two people holding handles on either end. Add a wheel to one end and you have a wheelbarrow. who knew?

A decent day all around. Received and drafted a reply to Fleet re the possible opportunity to work together. Hung at Starbucks in the am with Jen after putting down cardboard on the lawn which proved to be as premature as I suggested but I pick my battles and stood against further continuation after seeing it fail as expected. Made progress on Jikoji Sunday program reservation system. Engaged in discussion around other Sanga ideas. Scored big on a 2nd slip sheet haul. Write but yet to publish a few items.

Mindset: Evolutionary. I want to adjust some behaviors again. I need to tweak the dials on my micro habits and routines to reinforce the degree of presence and awareness I have as I go about my day. Like the time I am now taking each morning to push back against reflecting on the past and rehearsing for the future. I strive to be in the present moment. It happens. Enough. Enough to feel inspired to make it happen longer and more frequently. Decades of "go, go, go, go" make it challenging to ignore the discomfort of breaking from a habit that has evolved into a comfort zone. I live just outside it now, as often as I am able. As I sit on the patio in the morning, the sun warming me as birds chirp, it's a blissful feeling to pause and fully engage my attention. It's mediative in and of itself. It's a communion with nature, with consciousness and awareness. It's serene.

Goals: Focus on ensuring the reservation setup at Ji Koji is working as expected. The apparent "glitch" of the 7/5 transaction log and a guest arriving for an unavailable room yesterday is of concern. I also plan to focus on the Exitidy resources, services and contact page. I will need cards, one sheet or other printed materials too. That's enough for today. I'd like to find a healthy balance between setting goals I can reasonably reach and having the space to allow for a more organic and less frenetic flow of focus and energy.

Mindset: Curious. I took a little time last night to review and read more about the whole "Huberman" routine, which was something that crossed my path a while back and which I've found validating and challenging and reinforcing. I have a 'light panel' I use for waking. I try not to jump out of bed now, but I don't always practice avoiding technology. I added in the cold showers with good results. I'mgetting sunlight now, using this wireless keyboard paired with my iPhone to journal from the patio as the fragmented rays of rising mourning sunlight filter through the leaves on the trees lining our backyard. I think it all makes perfect ends and returning to intermittent fasting is an additional goal. Our dog walks don't really count as they're more dog led strolls, but I may take the reigns (leash) on hat and up hte pace too. Looking back over the years of journaling, I had a range of efforts capturing various aspects of mood and accomplishments which wove into more of a narrative, but with this effort I might return to some morning and nightly assessments of mood, outlook, success rankings, maybe even counts of meditations and such. Just it see trends.
Goals: My goal today is to be free from tech as I spend the am at Jikoji helping the residents with the Zazenkai event. I'll return mid-day, and we have dinner plans, which I'll work to eat well and manage alcohol consumption.
Anticipation: Dinner plans and alcohol consumption. ;-)
Wants: I feel like I'm inching along, and I want to start footing along. I also know well how my relative 'stall' in the desired dropping of a mere 10 lbs is my failure to apply my intentions to my actions. Once it's locked into daily thought it's unstoppable, but it's not sticking yet. I need to make it stick. I think the return to daily tracking will help.

After hours of no movement, Lucky realizes Scottie has been to the taxidermist.

As I watch the documentary," Love Notes to Newton". I remember fondly how hard I struggled to utilize it's intended capabilities while technology marched forward. I swapped it for a palm pilot and never looked back. Well, not never, as my eMate remains in my possession and comes out every few years for a brief nostalgia reunion. Now, I am writing this on my "remarkable 2" tablet, in a far more natural fashion, while my iPhone manages to enable all of the rest of the newton's vision and much more. How times have evolved in 25 years. In other news, I heard back from "Heart Mind" with some potential interest in continuing discussions. That was a pleasant surprise. I met Johnathon at Lookout coffee for a few hours as we enjoyed working from a nicer location than our respective homes. I also had an opportunity to reconnect with Martin, a friend I have known longer than anyone outside of my immediate family, I am grateful to have retained contact with him, as I am with all of the people that have played key roles in my lifeline. I only wish I had enough time in a day to stay in touch with all of them. But I am trying. Because I recognize what a gift these relationships are. They've made me me.

Mindset: Balanced. I'm feeling an awareness of many things needing my time and attention while recognizing how many things are getting done. How far I have to go seems closer. I've made progress I can measure.
Goals: BIG next steps. Exitidy site rework. Carnivore day.
Anticipation: getting out for working/coffee at lookout.
Wants: to innately accept what I can't control well before the impulse to try occurs.



Witnessing the elderly using Zoom (The chain is to her glasses) on their iPhone

Up and out walking dogs early again but perhaps too rushed. It's getting light later so it's feeling like a fleeting opportunity. Today was Jen's birthday and we had a great meal at Nageen in Campbell. She went to see Barbie and enjoyed it. I stayed home and wrote/sent a follow up about the Heart Mind opportunity saying it wasn't a sound move but offered some options. We'll see how it plays out. I had a good call with MetLife and have some hopes for the remainder of the year, at least. I'm feeling anxious but in waves. Good BIG call - inspirational. I'm sure I can do that work, I have to get it going ASAP and setup a next-step for certification next week.

Quite a full day. Early am start with new 'get sunlight right away' routine. Dogs loved it. Picked up Lauren, got her to Pano then Dr then Pano again. My 12.30 informational interview ran longer than 30 min so Tommy went to and waited for us at Aqui for no reason and I could not stop the zoom call to coordinate. I felt bad and he was understandably annoyed but it caused unnecessary tension during the call and after. I'm not sure what my next step re this possible opportunity will be as it's not quite what I'd expected. I gotta mull it over. Aqui lunch with Lauren alone and then dropped at Amtrak. Went to LG jazz and it was really pleasant but I got last-min opportunity to see Chris Isaak and I jumped on it as a "life is short" spur of the moment move. It paid off, as the show was excellent. One of the best I've seen in years. He'll be on my list for next year, for sure.

I had a good sleep last night, yet when I awoke I was in a bit of a foggy funk. I did rest a bit and focus on gratitude before rising, but I also jumped into the shower and did the 'cold water endurance' thing I've mentioned previously. I was also reflection on decades of experience with how a quick shower in the am seems to clear the head of 'foggy funk'. I was pleasantly surprised to find my email to the founder of "Heart Mind Institute" resulted in a response and an opportunity to jump on an informal information interview! What a compliment that is to me. I"m grateful to just have a chance to connect in such a manner and share some hopefully insightful and inspirational stories. Whatever comes of this will be a great learning opportunity and it's already reinforcing my comfort in trusting my instincts about being genuine and direct. I met JS for working-coffee at LeLe and we're likely to continue doing at least once a week. Jen and I are going to adopt a routine change tomorrow am based on an Andrew Huberman clip I heard about getting sunlight first thing in the morning. So once we're up we'll feed the dogs and then go on an immediate walk at take in the sun. I'll do my mediations and other routines once we're back. I'm feeling optimistic about it. Tommy made Sous Vide steaks and did the whole thing himself - no help from me at all. They were delicious. He's got this down. I'm really glad he's into cooking. Cards with the Big Dogs was fun - lots of good conversations and lots of anticipation of the upcoming Leavenworth trip. Jen and I are trying to decide of options re. Scottie coming with us or staying with Tommy. I got the funds I'd been waiting for from MetLife but I don't know if there's any continuation of coverage or not. I worked in the afternoon on further reservation system tweaks - there's issues managing the way things flow between 'per day' and 'per night' options. It can get nested, threaded and hard to keep track at times but that's part of the challenge and enjoyment of puzzle solving. It was a full and engaging day from start to finish and I am looking forward to another of the same tomorrow.