I journal nightly. Mostly. And about 70% gets spelling/grammar checked and posted with an image of some moment of significance. Mostly. (The rest gets set aside for some reworking or use elsewhere.) A friend once commented on my writing here as a "stream of consciousness" while making that face one makes after someone farted. It did not feel complimentary. It is a journal. What else were you expecting? Take today, for example. It's been amazing for so many little moments, and I know their supply limits. All fell together around getting Tommy's car, pairing it for future ease, stopping at Marc's on the way back, having brought a 32oz thermos that I keep filled for just such an occasion. The sunrise on the walk was photo-worthy, with purple hues carpeting the layers of clouds illuminated by the rising son. Back home, I * finally * succeeded with the archive copies, images and compressions. I still struggled with setting up the screen & computer for the Zen Center. It went south yet again, necessitating machinations that irritated and annoyed me. I was aware of the building annoyance while trying not to fall into the rabbit hole. I don't know where that all stems from, childhood most likely, but the day at that moment felt like a significant downgrade from most of late. Then I picked up Lauren, and it instantly flipped to the more upbeat and joyful side. We are in such a good place as a family. It's something I marvel at. Because it's better than mine was, or Jen's, or theirs with Linda and I. We have all entered this space with deep gratitude for sharing it and pride in creating it together. We went to In 'n Out, ran some errands, picked up a bike, had dinner with Dom and Mary, and played games. Scottie was very off this morning, with something related to constipation or intestinal issues. He seems to be a bit better but at one point his trembeling made me wonder if he might just die right then and there. Tommy had a very full day including helping Alta Vista with their school play, as he has annually. He's very invested and capable in doing this and I appreciate his charcter.

Highlights: Another day spent trying to ensure, 100%, that the data migration from the old server to the new one was successful. It's been an ongoing repetitive effort with continuous "time outs," regardless of all settings. And I am again faced with "3 minutes remaining" showing for more than 2 + hours. This is all too familiar, so while waiting, I decided to set up the Mac Mini for Jikoji. Which also comes with an obstacle course for installing and updating machinations. Both are in "active" states as each runs the gauntlets. In between all of this, I managed to cover the outdoor furniture before the rain came, install the solar charger for one of the outdoor cameras, and reinstall the magnetic charger in the Tesla after stumbling upon it while looking for something else. Oh, and some ball-play with LLucky, of course. The best part of this has been not letting the hurdles and potholes affect my mood.

Insights: I looked again at the email Randy had sent me regarding Martin's health only to find that he had fwd'd an email from Connie with additional details that went unnoticed when I first read it. It spelled out his circumstances in greater detail. In simple terms, he's in hospice and not doing further treatments. I wrote to her and sent him another more direct message. I don't know if I'll receive a reply. I don't know how I might manage a scenario such as this were the tables turned. I do know that what we think we'd do and what we end up doing when a hard reality surfaces aren't always aligned. And that someone I highly regard is navigating a complex set of difficult emotions. Sigh.

"Becoming Attractions"

It's been a while since I've had one of those full days where a wide range of activities and insights caused me to pause and connect to the moment of how rich a day's experiences can be. That makes today's experiences overdue and equally welcomed. I'm intensely conscious in this very moment of this seemingly simple existence being as thickly layered as humanly possible. Looking at Jennifer sitting on a couch in the same spot a prior couch once held a disconnected embodiment of Linda after resigning herself to a life of suffering I was deemed the cause of. All these thoughts occur while Phill Collin's "Against All Odds" plays, recalling a breakup with Holly in the early 80s as a defining moment at the outset of my adult character development and emotional maturity. Or lack thereof. I started the day with "Howes Your Coffee" after picking up the car from Leigh. This gave me the opportunity to put the newly re-acquired Thermos to its intended use. LeLe Cake with Johnathon and Brian followed that. Then I took Brian to tour Jikoji, hike the ridge and back down to the lake, over to Alice's only to find it closed, then down to Bucks, which was a first for Brian. It was more fun than I anticipated to take a friend around the place I've been devoting so much time to and consider a significant influence over the past few years. I dropped him off, picked up the donated TV for Jikoji and stopped by Costco to challenge being charged for a tire rotation when they state online that service is free for the lifetime of the tire purchased. There's nothing about being nontransferable to another owner of the tire. It's apparently their policy, but it's not worded as such, and I felt blindsided by the charge after all the work had been done. I got the refund and said I'd welcome a chance to talk to the district manager about, if nothing else, the wording of their commitments. While there, something upsetting came in the form of an email from an 'insider' at Care2 indicating that my friend Marlin's battle with cancer had taken a downward turn. This sucks and is going to hurt. I like Marlin a lot. We're not best buds, but we're sincerely and graciously grateful for the chance to connect every month or two. We dropped wine at their home during the Holiday, and Jen/I attended a wine festival with them. He's a good guy and has a well-seasoned character. Now it appears there may be some dire news, perhaps a timeframe, maybe not, I don't know, but it's difficult on many levels. As certain as it is that, until it's my time, I'll more frequently witness others conclude theirs. More and more often. So, really, I need to stay this connected, this conscious, this aware of my fleeting time while its passage through my hands can be experienced fully in the moment, and more so than a memory I'll inevitably lose. Back on a positive note, just before starting to write this entry, I heard from DPD about the ongoing 'group email' issue I have been wrestling with for at least 4 months. He found the issue. "Distribution Lists" are buried in the admin-level account settings! A totally antiquated and dated manner of managing what evolved to be 'groups' was left behind by whoever set it up a decade or so ago. It was the impetus of the massive efforts I've put into moving servers and other things, and it ended up being completely unrelated. That being said, the work that got done was going to have to be done anyway.

Jen and I watched "A Real Pain" last night. It was very enjoyable-strong characters, well paced and well shot. The day was less productive than I had intended but not due to laziness, due more to interruptions and under estimations of what I could accomplish. I did get several things done. My back issues were an issue for the first part of the day while the "Tennis Elbow" seems to be getting slightly better. I hope that continues. The cooking class outing was a bit of a bust but It was still a fun evening out. Between the food and wine and Kerkland s'more's Friday night and the Ben & Jerry's tonight. I am letting my guard down. Even after listening to a Robert Lustig podcast about all of the evil that is "sugar", hand it to me and I struggle to resist. Tommy is dog-sitting again so we have the place to ourselves. There's such freedom in that.

It's cold on the patio this morning but not unbearable. Resting my left foot on the firepit's porcelain facade is the most extreme, and the contrast doing so provides makes it seem less significant. It feels crisp and vibrant to feel the cold. It feels alive. I feel alive. The hummingbird's sporadic presence above me adds to the sensations of "the moment. The bright light of the sun rests just below the roofline of our neighbor's house and will crest any minute. Anticipating the shift in temperature will help with the cold. It has now "surfaced," much to the joy of my right foot. Although I found my accomplishments yesterday less than intended, I hope to gain more ground today. A good chunk of these tasks are spent in R & D, learning and testing things in QuickBooks, or this insanely slow and complicated consolidation of domains and the act of isolating just where an email group for one audience is getting redirected to another. These are the tests of my presences fail. Where yet another angle does not produce the desired results. I am at the point now of almost recklessly pulling plugs. This is proving far from simple and to be much more of a blindfolded triage. Meanwhile, as clouds now obscure the warmth of the sun, glancing to the left of the yard, my eye caught a shape as it appeared to leap from a power line, followed by a thud! Did I really see that? Was that a miss or a "squirrel-icide"? It happened as I looked, so I did not have an opportunity to process anything beyond the movement and sound.

Highlights: Impromptu Board Meeting. Office chair purchase and delivery to mom. Virtual discussion w/Dr Parks re Spinal Stenosis status, recommendations, along with the presumption of "Tennis Elbow" for the arm pain. (Jen FTW on that one). PSYC 215B #3 at Alway Hall with Tommy. (exemplary presentation by Boris Heifets highlighting the scientific process of testing and evaluating variables, conditions, and influences.)

Highlights: I guess waking up in a resort in the Stanislaus Forest outside Yosemite could be a highlight. The impromptu decision to go to Rush Creek with Tommy yesterday morning proved valuable and rewarding. I sometimes need to step out of 20+ years of parenting, with 15 being correction and direction, enough to recognize many of the negative experiences I have are partially colored by expectations and interpretations. I think that goes both ways. And is universal. Whatever the case, I had a great time and some good conversations. I see him starting to open up more about sorting out the past few years and everything that has come his way. I have to say he and his sister both have been amazing. We enjoyed the property further before departing around 11 AM and stopping at Old Priest Station Café at the top of Priest Grade Road. I had longed for their hamburger, a routine stop and choice on our visits to the area. It did not disappoint! Of course, the venue has history. I also used this trip to double-check my assumptions and concerns regarding the mileage that my car has been recording. My car insurance was raised partly because somebody ratted me out as having driven 10,000 miles over the last eight months. There's no way that was possible. So, I've been testing it. And it turns out it is. At least so far, I cannot disprove the accuracy of the odometer. Therefore, I had no choice but to accept that without realizing I was doing so, and I've racked up some It's serious miles. How can I not? That car is so much fun to drive. And because I pay next to nothing for the electricity to change it, and it's so comfortable, I might as well enjoy it—even if the insurance company dings me. t's just getting to be absurd. I guess this is what the new reality will be. I spent the remainder of the evening after returning, settling in, catching up on some tasks, and getting organized. I'm excited that both kids have the same week off for spring break this year. It will allow us to schedule a family vacation. The time is right for recognizing, embracing, and immersing ourselves in the quality of our family dynamic. It's haed to comprehend how this came about. The emotional cost, loss, hardship and struggle. But that isn't that simply what life is? At least half of more? You see it as a victim or merely inevitable change.

Highlights: I met up with Eric yesterday at Plugas Ridge Reserve to hike before he returned to SFO and then Boulder. His is another friendship of significant regard and history. As we walked the mountainside, I was reminded (by him) that 11 years ago, in 2014, we walked that same path as I wrestled with the many complex feelings surrounding my decision to separate from Linda. The choices I could make, the risks and the rewards for the kids in either direction and my need for something other than what I was living. We have connected every few years as Jennifer has entered our lives and Linda has tragically departed. All in the past 10 years. Time that crawled, at times excruciatingly and painfully slow. Time that flew, too, through the kids shedding adolescence and emerging adults. Having the opportunity to reflect allowed me to briefly recognize the hand authoring my life story to be my own. Scottie has been improving leg use. It could be the CBD or the anti-inflammatory meds on the walks as PT or all three. But there is improvement. Tommy asked If I wanted to go to Monterey with him this morning. After throwing out some constraints and barriers, we ended up deciding to make some schedule adjustments and head to Rush Creek. The off-season mid-week rate was too good not to jump on. The place appears to have maybe 40 guests, tops. The 2-mile hike we took after our 1:30 arrival was stunningly silent and serene. While walking, he said, "What if this is all there is?" which opened the opportunity for me to say that if it is, it has been fucking awesome, yet to think so is likely akin to a fish in the ocean thinking that his surroundings are all there is, along with other similar observations related to the limitations of our perceptions. And that if we have any purpose, it's to leave this place better than I found it, and they represent my having succeeded.

We received a Transmogrifier. From South America, no less.

It's the morning of MLK day and the inauguration of Donald Trump. The irony of how dramatically opposite the ideals and aspirations are of each is not lost on me. My goal for the day is to avoid social media and news and focus on positivity. Had a wonderful weekend. The conversations we all had Friday morning and those I had with Lauren in Paso have made so many positive impacts. The four of us went to the Campbell Farmers Market, and then Tommy took Lauren and dropped her at the train station. Only after they went to Madonia, of their own accord, which moved me deeply. Considering all that they have come to know over the past few months, how they have responded is a testament to their character and to the core intentions of Linda, myself and Jennifer too. So much is lost to the ego when gentle acceptance and adaptation can provide a far more rewarding experience for all. Jennifer said, "Thank you for this family" to me privately. I looked at her with surprise and replied, "It would not be this family were it not for you."

Oh, let us turn our thoughts today to Martin Luther King

And recognize that there are ties between us

All men and women, living on the earth

Ties of hope and love, sister and brotherhood

That we are bound together

In our desire to see the world become

A place in which our children can grow free and strong

We are bound together by the task that stands before us

And the road that lies ahead

We are bound, and we are bound

 - Shed a Little Light - James Taylor

It wasn't one of my better night sleeps. Perhaps it was in a foreign space, the dementia-pedic "memory" foam mattress, heat, outside no uses, inside noises, or inner voices. They all kept me up sporadically. It's to be expected. Lauren liked the place. I had a few complaints, but I appreciate the relative value that comes from accepting compromise. The prior renter apparently used the wood-burning fireplace, which reeked of "campfire" smoke. It was not something I mind in the right environment, which this was not. Still, after raising the concerns, they graciously refunded night two. We decided that wine tasting is not Lauren's thing (she did, that is), so we opted to head back so Lauren could get more "Lucky" time to see Grandma. Spent time with family, driving up in the am with a train to catch as the goal. I am glad we did so. We drove to Morro Rock and walked out and around to the back, as far as allowed. We returned to Paso to gather our things and decided that going up 1 to Carmel through Big Sur would be an excellent alternative to 101. With a 100% charge, all looked completely doable, yet we found the roads closed, and we had to turn back along the way. The nice thing is that we had nowhere else pressing to be and just rolled with it, back through Paso, end up at 101. We took takeout to my Mom's (Aqui), visited awhile and returned to Pano. Jen & Tommy had a great evening out of Devine and returned with leftovers. Jen Lauren and I played Uno "the right way," which was quite a long game. Scottie has been having increasing difficulty and issues with his left rear leg. We have to make accommodations to ensure he doesn't jump or spin, which is so habitual for him. Its harder for us than it seems for him to have this issue anse.

Highlights: A few days have passed, each having something of note, complete enough that catching the highlights went undone. My mom's tests are looking good still, and she seems to be managing treatments with greater ease. Due to the experiences of the past few years and my training and practice related to being aggressively aware of mortality, I want to impress the same on her. Yet, she's more comfortable with the universal delusion of 'just not waking up one day' as a way one's life will end. That's not realistic. It's possible but not likely. And I wrestle with what's helping and what's my own agenda. I briefly visited Matt C while getting Lauren from Sacramento on Thursday night. We walked and talked about aging in a manner far less predictive and far more immediate and present. Seeing our mutual age physically manifesting as mobility and hearing become current events is sobering. The last one to require a Rascal scooter wins. Tommy had a hard few days with migraines and issues at home related to honoring what Jen/I consider reasonable expectations about cleanliness in the shared space escalated. After some conversation between the four of us this morning, it became more apparent that what's at play isn't a conscious, intentional slight; it's an executive function/ADHA-related situation. It's hard to be patient with somebody when you expect them to behave as you would… something I wrote about recently and continue to need to reinforce. The drive to Paso with Lauren allowed us to talk back and forth about some of the details in the book, including "wait, what?" moments that lead to all sorts of insights. The Eberle cave tour was good, but she really enjoyed Parrish, as did I. The rental house is ok. It's tiny but suffices for our needs. After a walk through Sensorio, we returned to play games while Hamilton and then the Greatest Showman played. It was delightful.

Savers Hosts a Night Gallery  Exhibition

Highlights: So many things change, so many remain the same, and today was no exception. Thus, it was unexceptional to put a varied spin on it. As I work more on writing of substance elsewhere, I'm reducing the bits and pieces I consider noteworthy for now. The big highlight of the day, though, beyond great coffee and a decently productive start, was the deep dive into the consolidation workflow for 'the book.' I played about with a few options on pulling from the vast resources to flesh out, with validity and accuracy, the range of emotions from all sides throughout the past decade. Yeah. 12 years as of this latest. And the process is intense. I worked out a flow of info that's excited me about creating a functional workspace within which to structure this with greater ease than I've found to date. It's a turning point. 

Ideal Breaker

I don't pay much attention to the news anymore. Life is much richer, not being sucked into that revenue-driven sinkhole of doom and despair. Still, the death of Jimmy Carter was a topic on a podcast I follow, where the host referenced how impacted Carter's life had been by a mentor's challenge to "always do your best." I am oversimplifying it, but that is the gist. Consciously, consistently aspiring always to do your best.

Is it as hard for others to achieve and maintain this ideal as it is for me?

Highlights: Jen returned. I sous vide steaks from Costco, and they came out perfect. Today was a productive day. I'm going to skip the minor details, but I worked through a number of tasks needing time and attention. Calls were made, actions were coordinated, and checkboxes were checked. Tommy had a rough night, stayed home from work, looked ragged, and rode out the day with a severe headache.

Highlights: Progress on the domain consolidations. Reservations were made for Paso with Lauren. Discussions about a family reunion with my mom in May kicked off. The auto-flush in the guest bathroom is in place yet appears to need refined placement. I attended a class at Stanford related to Psychedelics and intend to return for more. I saw "Lost Horizon" at the Stanford Theater and was reminded of having seen it many more times than I recalled going in.

Insights. I have been enjoying, for the most part, the time and solitude of this past week. Jennifer returns home this evening, and I plan to spend my day as I have the previous seven: balancing the moving of small and large rocks. Or more accurately, recursively learning against and feigning the confidence and strength needed to move a large one without help and better tools than my body weight. What I am capable of is stagnating between knowing and showing, right alongside the self-imposed constraint of obligations outside of my primary responsibility to myself. Putting my oxygen mask first ensures I can assist others, and their independent success or failure is not mine to ensure.

 

So what is this? The 8TH? And Wednesday, right? Man, oh, man. I may have found the answer to "how time flies" by watching the hummingbirds in our backyard. It's not in anything resembling a straight line, that is for sure. And like their flight path, my latest attempts to make plans with focused intention and priorities also swerved, dove, and hovered on occasion before shooting in an unexpected direction, then down, back, up and stalled again. Jennifer left us Sunday for a week in Indian Wells. Oh, and by "US," I don't mean Tommy and me—the dogs and me. Lucky can roll with it, but Scottie has been a complete basket case. His looks have been everything from heartbreak to confusion over what he did to cause her to leave. At one point, I found him slowly pacing the backyard, sniffing vigorously while muttering something about where I might have buried the body. Clearly, he does not realize that I might love her as much if not more than him. And this week, his devastation over her absence has me suspecting he's right. He has slightly improved. Today was the first day he didn't go through an entire box of Kleenex, and he's settled in beside me and more willing to do so. Settling means something entirely different for him in this instance. For me, it brings back recollections of being picked last in 9ᵗʰ grade gym class team selections. This dog I adore is aging and limping as his joints become problematic, as is typical for this breed. So, I have been trying to limit his jumping onto and from chairs and couches. We now have three dog ramps scattered about the house. I also started him on CBD dog chews as an experiment to see if they help. It's just been one day, but he does seem a bit... hey... now I come full circle back to him "settling." It's the drugs. Anyway, dog tangent aside, Jen's absence has given me a fleeting taste of living alone. Fleeting mostly because Tommy remains a presence but is mainly off doing his own things. And I have mixed feelings about the relative sense of isolation. I have been busy and focused on action items, shifting schedules, delays, and interruptions. That's fine. It feels "natural". Yet the routines are as broken for me as they are for Scottie, and the evenings, in particular, feel reminiscent of the period between divorce and moving in with Jennifer. All that being said, I feel satisfaction and pride about the things I've gotten done: calls and connections, housekeeping and maintenance, routines rebooted, all positive steps towards positive ends. On a sour note, my back and "Siatic" nerve, in particular, have been problematic, and the new additions to stretch have yet to improve it. On a joyous note, Lauren, I decided (I did, really) that the destination for our upcoming getaway before school resumes will be Paso Robles. It will be wonderful to introduce her to some of our favorite places, to the aspects of viticulture, and to places like Morro Bay and Sensorio. Tommy and I are looking at options to get at least one or more nights in at Rush Creek the following week. Cardzmania last night was enjoyable as always. I watched the Yacht Rock "dockumentary" at Mark's recommendation and loved it. Passed it along to a few fellow fans of that era's music, too. For all I have gotten done, half was unplanned and the other took longer than expected. Based on self reflection and a personal history audit, I am running on par.

Passing Thought: Age Matters

In a conversation with my mom yesterday, the topic of her being 87 came up. She said she was 86, not 87. I replied with patience, recognizing that her condition, age and medication all contribute to a cognitive decline, that she was 87. She reminded me that she was born in 1938, and that, although she is in her 87th year of life, her age is defined not by the year of life she is in, but the year of life she has completed. I had to stop and virtually face-palm. Of course it is. Just as I am 62, not 63, until July at least. Even though I am in my 63rd year of life. who the hell come up with this concept anyway? Something tells me it's the same people that decided the period of time between the rotation of the earth should be divided by 24, and then by fractions of 60 from there. Give or take an hour based on the season, of course. Logic F. T. W.! (And yes I acknowledge the cognitive decline is not coming from her),

Ad infinitum

As I have watched my son and daughter coming into their own over the past year or two, I parallelly fade into their background and history. I can fully relate to their individual origin stories expanding along with their identities and lives, as had mine in my early twenties. I know, too, that my personal story will continue to dissipate over another generation or two at best. There will come a time in less than 91 years when there will be no living first-hand witnesses to directly attribute the influence I hope to have had on others back to me. Yet, while the years of my writing show, it still goes back further. Because 91 years ago today, two people with their own life stories, Webster and Vivian, each bearing two family histories and numerous influences, became the parents of the man whose direct impact on my character remains among the most significant in my life.

It was a very pleasant day trip to visit the Marionis at a rental near Sunset Beach. It was a beautiful day to drive and walk. Lots of food I shouldn't eat got eaten while vibrant discussions ensued about the complexities of resisting 'comfort' foods when habituated to doing so as something 'good'.

A morning at Jikoji that started with a late arrival due to an accident gave me reason to reflect on the nature of chaos and randomness. Even while we control all we can, things we can not control or anticipate will always be the risks and rewards of life.

A relatively early rise, 7 AM, a 2-mile walk and simple exercises out of the way early. I am feeling the effects of it, which is a good thing if I consider it a reminder of how letting myself 'slide' requires a lot of work to recover from later. It's that way with fitness, agility, and weight, and aging contributes in ways that necessitate working harder to avoid dramatic degradation. This morning, I worked with David and Michael (my brother's first and middle names) on the domain transfers. That prevented me from attending a geek coffee event that didn't happen; referring to it here is nothing more than an opportunity to point out how the three C's (communication, coordination and consideration) are necessary components of successful event planning. The domain transfers were a good example of constant coordination. I sent constant updates and ensured everybody knew what was in flight, landing or cleared for takeoff. This little effort and many of those at the Zen Center recall days doing this full-time, and I consider myself good at it. Mary called and alerted me to a pile of flagstone on the curb, free, nearby. I went and snagged a bunch of it as soon as possible. Some pieces were far beyond my ability to lift and, as such, bigger than my needs anyway. I got them home and set them up, and they make for a far better setup, albeit temporary, for walking meditations. We appear to have termites in the French bookcase, and I found 'dust' and holes. I'll be adding that to my list of things to address. It's not the end of the world, and the damage so far is minimal, but I don't want to ignore it or allow it to spread. Tommy got stopped by a cop (spared a ticket) and later got into a road rage incident with somebody driving in Stanford. It's so interesting to try and be neutral, recognize there are three sides, and also understand how easily people can be triggered into fits of anger and rage towards somebody who might not even have realized they did whatever they did that set the person off in the first place. I have easily defaulted to thinking somebody's an idiot driver who should not be on the road shortly before; I make some simple mistake in timing or judgment and become the recipient of that assumption from someone else. Timing is everything. Or maybe second to patience and understanding. Fortunately, Tommy didn't get into anything physical, but it sounded close. Jen and Tommy had dinner at the Indian restaurant on Santa Cruz Ave and liked it. It was her idea to invite him and just them go, which I support, as I believe he has a far more open manner with her ideas and support. I got the sweetest call from Lauren tonight, saying, in her way, that I've been a good parent. I've done my best, and I'm proud of the two people I've helped raise and put into the world, yet to be recognized as doing well by one of them is very moving and rewarding.

An annual traditional listen through vinyl, disc, MP3, and now streaming.

Highlights: Clearing the backyard of the remaining leaves. Jen put away Christmas decorations. Visiting my mom together in the evening.

Insights: I have a good feeling that the month ahead will be a good one for rebooting a few key habits and routines.