Back into the week after a 3-day weekend. Today was a frenetic day, with a lot of parallel demands again between work and life. I gave up on getting funds for the pool and just gave it away. Always feels better after than it does when I'm trying to gauge a possible loss of a chance to make a buck. Tommy sold the Audi. Today ALONE, Jen or I had to move his bag and clothes off the dining room table, his waters off the table into the pantry, flush his urine at Pano and Matson later, pick up trash and wrappings left on the counter at pano, throw away the empty water bottle he left on the couch at Matson, pick up and put away tools and cleaner and a purchased item left on the tool bench at pano. It's infuriating. We went and bought towels for Pano for Mary's stay starting tomorrow evening and then I packed up ALL of his stuff; clothes, toiletries, everything … and moved it to Matson. There's now nothing for him at Pano to need to get. That won't stop him but with Mary staying there I'll be locking the deadbolt and making it clear to stay clear and give her the space. She's going to gather some old colleagues at Pano tomorrow evening for a casual reunion. Dan, Tara, even Corinne… it's crazy how much time has passed as we all drifted in various ways. It's interesting to reflect on that, and how I am more inclined to feel guilty for not pursuing and maintaining contact than I am to feel resentment or slighted that it wasn't the other way around. I wonder where that comes from? Perhaps my own insecurities or inclination to want to be a people-pleaser? Or it's just the simple fact of limited time, diverging paths, daily demands, priorities and such. I'm excited to see everybody, and especially happy to be enabling a friend who's had a hard year to get a chance to reunite and reflect.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.1 lbs,❤️ 60.8 bpm, 👣 6031.1 steps, 🧘🏼9 min

We're hitting the point of the early sunrise and the late sunset. I get such satisfaction out of getting up early in these circumstances. I got up, but Jen lingered a bit, and Lauren was happy to go along with my idea of making a run to Madronia to visit her mom. It's Memorial Day. Visiting Madronia was something Linda did annually, at least as annually as could be. Her father and grandfather and hundreds of other veterans throughout the cemetery routinely get American flags set at their graves. I've tried to honor and remember the significance of the losses of lives defending our country. Yet, as I've done so, I've also grown more cynical about the powers that be, the 'freedoms' defended, and the hard truths behind the acts of war and motivations behind them being predominantly self-serving. A lot has changed in politics and government. It was a cool but beautiful morning to visit her and other graves, including Mr. C's. When we talked about her mom not being here and the things Lauren felt this past year had taught her, I was proud. She's really strong, and I trust that her future will include her having some positions of influence in her career and circle of peers. Tommy was around and about at Matson and Panorama but continued not to acknowledge me. The conversation about him not being allowed to live with us after the summer didn't change things; perhaps it gave him more reason to resent me. In that prior conversation, I already said we would talk after graduation, so, between that and his upcoming Florida trip, we will have to come to an understanding. That's not something he seems interested in. For now, I have my hands full with other things. After visiting Madronia, we snagged Philz, returned to Matson, and Jen made bacon for us. Lauren worked while Jen and I went back to Panorama again. I made further progress in the garage, continuing to reduce more clutter, get more put away, cleared the remaining weight bench and squat rack, which I then posted on Craigslist, and more. I also brought several of my heirlooms from Matson to start filling in the bookcase. It'll be an evolving effort, and there's lots more to go through, including adding in Jen's things, but it's rewarding to start setting it out. It's rewarding to find and use something that would otherwise be in boxes for a couple more decades. I assembled my great-grandmother's sewing kit, which has literally been in the rafters or packed away for so long that I forgot it existed. Now it's in the house, in the living room, still with all of the original contents plus a couple of temporary additions—Playboy's from the year/month of my birth and another from 1978. Jen and I ran a bunch of donations to Savers and found 7 or 8 vinyl records for $1 each that are just fun additions to our mini collection, including a few rally campy Christmas ones for December. I guess the record player will remain functional, and I'll need to put some time into refurbishing it. Fine by me. It's not going to happen any time soon. I'll be back there most of tomorrow morning doing work calls before a dentist appointment right up the street. We watched the 1st part of the HBO documentary on George Carlin, and it was excellent. It reminded me of the Gary Shandling bio, also by Judd Apatow. I am looking forward to hopefully concluding it tomorrow. This is the kid's last week at Leigh, and they graduate Thursday. Mary will be staying at Panorama Tues-Fri. I was hoping we'd set up some reunions, but that seems unlikely given schedules. That's all good. I'm just glad I'll have a chance to reconnect.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.1 lbs,❤️ 60.3 bpm, 👣 5644 steps, 🧘🏼9 min

…and …. 'SCENE!"

Another good day spent balancing tasks and accomplishments and enjoying life, family and friends. We spent the AM working on things at Panorama. You mightn't know it just looking, but a wide range of actions and to-do's got ticked off. Reconnecting the wifi thermostat, moving, matching, coordinating and storing dozens of bins and lids, putting some more items into the rafters, and more. I pulled out the 'wall of milk cartons' I put in the garage within the 1st week of moving in. I swept areas that had likely not been cleaned before then too. A lot of little things add up to getting more foundations in place to support the needs of moving in. Jen was fantastic and helped immensely with the efforts as well as ideas. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. Tommy came and went and came and went. We didn't talk; I did not press things; it felt good to focus on having set the expectations and allowing that to settle. We had plans to have a wine taste with Jess/Bev, and before doing so, I checked and saw the unbelievable traffic conditions. Three-day weekend + beach traffic. We pivoted and hung out on the patio and enjoyed some beautiful bottles from our collection. I love that we're doing so; I'm done 'hoarding' for the most part and want to get back to under 100 bottles total. We opened four bottles, a Bodega de Edgar and a Wrath Rose, both excellent, an "ok" blend from Pierano (Lodi), and a Wrath Pinot (2019 Tondré Grapefield) that was just amazing. The sugars in the rose, the sun, and the volume consumed led to my being tipsy and Jen being tipped over completely. I frequently find myself a bit over the edge, I think in part due to the reduced weight, but Jen's usually fine. Tonight she pretty much went off the rails. And that's OK. Living through this past week, let alone this past year, as a 'bystander' of sorts… that's draining. I'm glad she had such fun, and she enjoys our friends with complete genuine sincerity. You have no idea how much I value that over prior experiences. But she does. I make sure of that. I crashed for a while but arose later to clean up and say goodnight to Lucky and Lauren. All in all, it was a good day. I have a lot to be grateful for. I think I'll shoot for taking Lauren to Madrona tomorrow for Memorial Day services.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.3 lbs,❤️ 60.7 bpm, 👣 5472 steps, 🧘🏼9 min

What a long crazy day it's been. Tommy was up and out early, off to Sacramento with Vinnie. We got up pretty early too, with the sun, and ran to get food for the dogs from GOBM. $200 later we returned with a load of food for the weekend. Jen made us Sesame Chicken and we'll have cheesesteaks tomorrow. She made dog food while I ran to Panorama and Lauren went to work. I put the monitor camera in the entry so I can know when Tommy comes and goes and I marked the lock so it's easy to visually check that the door's been locked. I stuck the other in the garage. I fixed the fence pretty easily and I felt good about doing so. I felt like it was a 'broken window' scenario and like the garage door, it warranted immediate fixing. I was pleasantly surprised to find the return of Linda's death certificate was done by the buyer of her Pilot. That's good to have. Tommy came home and after I said hi and he said nothing I ended up getting 'back in the ring'. It's next to impossible not to reply to somebody bullying and attacking me. That's what he does, and I called it out. We had a heated argument and I went to Pano to cool down. Jen joined me there and I had a continued conversation with Tommy while parked outside. It was less aggressive and more matter-of-fact. He was full of contradictions and I he threatened me that if I made him move out he would never talk to me again and I'd never see my grandkids… etc. Over telling him that because he's so awful to me I won't let him live with me. How does that make sense in anybody's rational mind? I ended up just saying we should stop now and revisit and talk after graduation. Nothing's changing overnight. Lauren came to Pano with Lucky and Jen had brought Scottie and we played Rummikub. It was really pleasant. I put on "The Association" too. The vibe in the house is good. But the tension and upset I felt over the conflict with Tommy took away some of that. It's exhausting.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.4 lbs,❤️ 60.3 bpm, 👣 5392.3 steps, 🧘🏼9 min

For fuck's sake, can I catch my breath? I mean, seriously, the entire day felt like constant chaos. Juggling meetings, calls, and needs, all at points of three or more concurrent instances throughout the day. Tommy's giving me the silent treatment after the blowup at Panorama. WTF is that about? He's a fucking asshole, treated me like shit 80% of the time, only decently when I avoid any interaction whatsoever, and what, I'm the bad guy for saying enough is enough? Mark came to pano at lunchtime and fixed the broken door jam single-handedly. He also confirmed some insights of my own as to Tommy's character. We bought him Happy Hound and will follow up with more gratuities. Work was busy too, and I continued to evolve the cultivate report. Today was the anniversary of Matt's father's passing – 7 years, I believe – it's crazy how time passes and perspectives expand. I talked to Kathy DiPrinzio, and she's relinquishing the trust position now, which we discussed as an eventuality. We talked about the whole house thing, Tommy's vindictive nature and using her as a pawn in this desire to get back at me. It's disgusting that he's so self-centered that he's made her physically ill trying to deal with the whole situation. With the trust falling to me to manage comes the need to ensure her final bills, including tasks, are covered so I have some work to do. I'm still wrestling with the emotional aspects of my arguments with Tommy. I'm entirely justified in telling him to get on with his life and out of mine, given how badly he treats me. I still ache over the loss and always will. I take everything as permanent when nothing is, but it may be years, and meanwhile, I have to protect myself from being hurt again by letting my guard down. Ultimately, it's tragic that he's this way, and I feel responsible for allowing it. This is all old news. I'm just repeating it because it helps me maintain some perspective. I had Aqui with Jon and Cheryl and did a mock-wine tasting to get some exposure to the wide range of disciplines. It's thoughtfully structured and fascinating. The whole 'wheel' of tastes and smells was a "TIL" moment.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.5 lbs,❤️ 60 bpm, 👣 5111.9 steps, 🧘🏼8 min

A picture's worth a thousand words, yet I, right now, have none.

2 more historically significant titles emerge.

Today's board meeting went well. Tommy texted during it trying to get an off-grounds pass under the pretense of having a "counseling appointment" which sounded like BS to me but I just stayed focused on work. My "how the sausage gets made" presentation was well received. I returned to Matson afterward and finished the workday. Jen and I went out for a bite at DCG together to get some 1:1 time. She's stressing about work and possible changes and so am I. We have a lot to be grateful for but I feel like we should be scrambling to stay at the top of our respective ladders for as long as we can because once we descend we will need to reset and adapt to lesser salaries. We'll be fine no matter what, it's inevitable. We just have so much going on right now and perhaps we need to scale back our priorities and expectations. I read several more chapters of "A Cure For Gravity" on the patio with the fire pit, dogs, Jen and Lauren around. Tommy made a brief appearance but left shortly after. I reached out to Kathy on Lauren's behalf, cc'ing Lauren so they can take it from here, regarding Lauren's upcoming oral surgery.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.4 lbs,❤️ 60.9 bpm, 👣 5113.3 steps, 🧘🏼7 min

Yeah, the whole "dog getting up early" thing is getting old quickly. 6 am at my own pace is OK, but on whimpering demand? Not a fan. Still, dog or not, the early morning light remains my favorite way to awaken. The "SAD" light's an ok alternative, but it's nowhere near the same—just the next best thing. I have a few craigslist searches saved for various items, including packing and moving boxes, because I know that between college and moving, we'll need them. Somebody posted a slew of free boxes and wrapping paper, and I jumped on it. Not realizing just how much there was. I did not know if I would get it all in the CRV, but I just managed to do so. I went to Pano, attended some meetings, then returned to Matson for no other reason than simply not wanting to be at Panorama in case Tommy came by. How fucked up is that? Yes, being around him is that bad, and that's the basis for what comes next. I'm going to kick him out after he graduates. Assuming he even does. It's honestly heartbreaking to have reached this point. I had such a love for him, wanted the best, and put so much time into doing all I could, but I never drew firm lines and was never allowed to be a parent. Now, it's time to draw a rugged and solid line. The damage he has done repeatedly has made my sanity and survival reliant on getting him out of our lives. My counselor has been making it clear that I have a right to protect myself from use and abuse, and that's what this all comes down to. This will be as 'significant' as was my telling Linda I could not continue living in a dissatisfying marriage. I worked more when I returned, and Jen and I went back to Panorama to meet the windows salesman. I'm not fond of sales. I hate the game, the dance, the sales pitch, the rote taglines and routines and the performance ending in "sign today and get 10% off" pressure. They want $23k to replace seven windows. Fuck that. We have far more critical things to do with the limited resources. We will find another option. The rest of my day was spent working on the board presentation for tomorrow, which I hope will be entertaining, along with a quick run to Savers with Lauren to get a few things.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.4 lbs,❤️ 61.3 bpm, 👣 5024.1 steps, 🧘🏼5 min

My quote for the day: "I should not have to do this, yet, I have to do this."

Slept awesomely, and even lingered 30min. It's so pleasant to have a night of relatively uninterrupted sleep. It seems to be, perhaps, an aging thing? It was never a big deal because it was never a problem. Jen and I worked from Panorama for the majority of the day and it was really pleasant. Tommy came after buying new rims and tires (more inheritance out the window) and proceeded to be his usual dismissive and offensive self. I'm starting to realize more and more what has to happen next and it won't be pretty. I have a lot of mistakes to correct. We returned to enjoy some leftovers with Lauren. There was an "issue" with how the bathroom was left by Tommy and we just left it for him to deal with. Yet another factor in some difficult choices and conflicts to come. Sigh. I never should have been a parent, now I have no choice. Oh, and today I learned that a: the word "sanguine"exists and b: it can mean two completely different things. 

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.4 lbs,❤️ 61.7 bpm, 👣 4943 steps, 🧘🏼7 min

A clean, well-lighted garage

I didn't sleep to well – the wine caught up with me as it's been known to do. I'm proud actually that I've managed to get more balance and consciousness around such things and it could have been much worse. I woke up around 2.3am and read for a while before finally falling asleep about an hour later. The days are getting longer, daylight-wise, and I love it. The dog's getting into it, too, which forces us all up. We went to Panorama, and I spent the day focused on continuing to get the garage in order which is pivotal to the plan to move more things over. I got the lights installed, and they are amazing. The light at night is complete, bright and perfect. More would have been overkill. Jen made "keto" enchiladas, and I enjoyed them twice! I read further into "A Cure for Gravity," and it's still enjoyable and rewarding. I revisited the pool posting on CL and put more details and a reasonable price on it. I have a lot of other stuff to get rid of, and I hope that happens this coming week. Oh, and today I learned that I had spent my life using "ambivalent" incorrectly. I always thought it was about being apathetic, not conflicted.

RetrO-My-God™ - found items resurrected

I woke early, got my coffee and Kindle and continued reading "A Cure for…". I returned to bed to share the book with Jen, reading highlighted passages that hit my nerves, and there were many others.  We went to Pano for the am, and my focus was on clearing/organizing the garage so we have the space we need for things coming from Matson. Along the way, it because clear that the right course of action was to move all the kid's 'long term storage' items to rafters. As Jen said, these are things they'll seek out when we move or die, but not before. True 'dat. Doing this meant clearing the rafters, which were partially complete, but for the old multitude of components that made up the 15' round 4' high above ground pool last used in 2013. It was a significant effort, but it all came down, as did the hockey next and other items, and then up went all the kid's bins. It was a significant step to get this done. We spent the afternoon celebrating Dom's birthday with a trip to Martin Ranch (likely our last for a while as we are going to cancel the membership after many loyal years) and then a good meal at Lareda Grill in Morgan Hill. It was an enjoyable evening. I had a good conversation this AM with RP regarding our recent work tasks and lessons learned. Oh, and today I learned the word "miasma" means a contagious power with a mind of its own.

"You never lose your roots. It's just that you have branches, too." – Joe Jackson : " A Cure For Gravity"

Friday. Thank <insert deity of choice> it's Friday. It always seems so far away on Monday, and boom, it's here. The last day of the week I spend ensuring I maintain a focused routine of am and pm habits that keep me sane. Or perhaps keep whatever sanity I have from diminishing further. Lauren went to the Senior Awards event Thursday and returned, having gotten two recognitions. We were so happy for her. Jen was upset that she wasn't there to see it, and I think it meant something to Lauren to have that level of attachment and support. I tried out the record player again at Pano, and now there are issues with the turntable speed. It's not a big deal; it's just a fun diversion. I took the platter off and worked my way through the mechanisms until I came to find the culprit is likely an aged and weakened spring. I may try to tighten it this week. I dug up Linda's father's old LPs and found some fun stuff. She held onto so much history. It's all wonderful to see and appreciate, but… now what? I need to sift through it another time and thin out perhaps a few treasures. Including a Louis Prima and Keeley Smith LP whose inner sleeve has a hand-written note from her father about going to pick up her mother. That's a unique item to have out amongst the handful of LPs I already have retained through my history. I'm thinking more about gutting the console's interior to convert it into a functional cabinet. It's such a fun piece to have, I'm happier with its size now than I was initially, but we won't use the turntable over streaming options throughout the house. Turning the speaker grill sections into hinged doors and putting the printer in it (which we use enough to warrant having within reach) along with shelves and bins to store cables and such. It's far down my list of priorities, but it was fun tinkering Thursday. Speaking of music, I've started reading a book I started in 1999, set down and did not pick up again for these past 22 years. "A Cure For Gravity." It's a bit of a departure from my usual solemn focus on death and mindfulness, but it stays within the lines of autobiographies and music. I did a deep dive into Henry Mancini Thursday, finding the perfect music for dinner parties or wine tastings, which hit on swing tones, samba and cha-cha. "Cha-cha" trigged a recollection of my love for Joe Jackson's "Body & Soul" release, which has "Cha Cha Loco" on it, amongst others, all just excellent tracks. I respect this man's art and craft as much as I do Elvis Costello, and for the same reasons – their deep insight and understanding of music across multiple genres. Jackson's catalog spanned rock, punk, new wave, big band, symphonic, pop, jazz, funk, etc. His repertoire is broad, and this book exposed me to his educational background (he won a scholarship to study musical composition at London's Royal Academy of Music) and his eloquently worded deep attachment to the wondrous impact and effect music can have on the soul. That's what resonates with me so profoundly. That's what he's referring to as a cure for gravity. So I repurchased it via the Kindle and started reading it last night, continuing tonight. It's inspirational. I also played Diana Krall's "All For You" for Jen tonight, and she loved it. I shared that with Panorama, my intention with not having a TV is that we'll share and enjoy more time listening to music, reading books, talking and entertaining. And less time subject to a barrage of marketing-driven drivel. The less time I spend 'watching,' the more time I get to participate. I also managed to get the Vegas trip mapped out further over the past two days. It's going to be an enjoyable experience. More on that later. Closing the entries, Tommy bought a Mercedes. I am not 'happy; about it, as I think it's an impulse purchase, but he did manage to get an excellent deal, and it's hopefully going to be a vehicle he's less inclined to tinker with and trick out. I feel there are so many more important things to have chipped away at his inheritance than this, but at 18, there's no doubt I would have done the same thing. He doesn't listen to me when I try and give him advice, and I am learning not to. I didn't think my dad had a clue either. Man, I wish I'd known better but don't we all? Oh, and this week I learned that there's a "pinched fingers" emoji! 🤌🏻

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 162 lbs,❤️ 64.3 bpm, 👣 4108.3 steps, 🧘🏼7 min

I have said this many times before: taking time at the end of the day to reflect on and capture the events is challenging, but substantial over time. I believe there is either science or theories around the act of writing something down being a reinforcement of that thought. I often try to reflect on yesterday's experiences and insights the following day. But I seldom succeed. The volume of things I find on my plate, waiting or introduced in spattered patterns throughout the day, take my full attention off being consious and mindful and present. Said another way, reaction mode seems to be my only forward gear. Last night Tommy stayed at Panorama, sick from apparent food poisoning. He's alienated me again and significantly so I really didn't care. Well that's not true, I did, but I avoided engagement for my own sanity. Jen and I walked the dog and retuned to focus on work which was just what I did. It was a full day. Around 1pm I went to try and help Wendy with some gmail configuration issues. We ended up talking about kids stuff and she shared some observations about Tommy. I pretty much dumped, again, all of the angst and upset and anger and disbelief I'm wrestling with. It was validating to say the least. I'm glad she seems to feel like she can influence him in positive ways. I certainly can't. But after that stop I went to complete my workday at Panorama. He was there and I was removed. He was still recovering. It wasn't fake, he was still throwing up and struggling. I felt so bad for him and I relaxed just enough to show some reasonable degree of support. When Wendy and I talked prior I emphasized that I was not 'giving up' on ever having anything in the realm of a healthy or positive relationship with him, but things reached a point where I need to protect myself from use and abuse. It's that simple. I left and returned to Matson. Lauren drove me around a bit in the evening. I miss her and the time we shared before she got her license. We got a lot more 1:1. Now she's far less integrated but she's still here and part of the disconnect might be me. I'm off. I feel backlogged and unable to get traction. I feel lost in the weeds. I'm even feeling removed from Jen too. Every once in awhile I just wonder "is it me"? Am I just not wired for family and relationships? I know one thing that hit me earlier this week. Gratitude and Appreciation are big deals for me. I have stopped watching TV and I'm not missing it because I want and need the time to attend to maintenance routines like picking up the house, prep'ing coffee, ensuring everything is back in it's place, and that all keeps me busy from 6am until 11pm daily. I need help and collaborative support and I don't feel I have it.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 162 lbs,❤️ 65.3 bpm, 👣 4448.3 steps, 🧘🏼4 min

I grew up in a world in which walking in the middle of the street was considered unsafe, not a right and a privilege. I grew up in a world in which clearly marked crosswalks (Which still exist to this day) were understood to be the designated "safe place" to expect cars to yield to pedestrians. What changed?!

Highlights: Tommy's attitude started my day off on a down note. I worked at Pano throughout the morning, and saw the all-in-one gym get hauled away. It feels good to be making more space. Further work on the reporting throughout the entire day resulted in significant progress on more dynamic content, including stuff I had previously thought to be out of reach (or may not out of reach but I just didn't want to stretch that far). But I did. And I nailed it. Cardzmania at Pano was fun but something went wonky and I didn't get into the online game, so I was just an observer. NBD. We showed them the progress on the house. Tommy came there, feeling sick, and is still there. After speculating it was food poisoning at first we're now thinking maybe peanuts because he went to some Chinese place and that's just a logical conclusion. I'm still keeping my distance emotionally, after the issues this morning, I have no desire to remain in a position of venerability. I got the Zenith record player working again! I realized with a little more time and testing that the vibrations were severe and I think maybe I messed up the floating mechanism. I put some stacked felt in the corners to dampen the movement, made sure it was well seated, and all is working again. For now. I would like to get it triaged for general wellness but that's got to wait. My new mantra is that I have to approach my to-do list in the same way I approach my wine cellar…. I'm not putting any more in it until I clear out most of what's already there and waiting.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.9 lbs,❤️ 64.3 bpm, 👣 4203.1 steps, 🧘🏼5 min

When we went to Mark and Wendy's Saturday with a case of wine, we returned home to a case of whine. Lucky, earlier in the day, was found to have found his way into an accessible pantry bin. We found this out because there was rice on the floor. We assumed it was a kid, but later, after he threw up rice, we pieced things together. We left him out back, with lights and water, wanting to avoid him puking up rice throughout the house. When we returned he had literally littered the backyard with clumps of upchucked chunks of rice. But my heart broke for the poor guy when I let him in after our return. He was shaking and moving very slowly. He wasn't through and continued to struggle into the early morning hours. I did what I could to comfort him. In the morning he seemed better but there was still some 'evacuating' yet to do. That whole experience seemed to shake him up but short-term memory will prevail and we'll need to continue to ensure nothing edible is accessible. Jen trimmed them both and bathed them both while I kept working on the cultivate deck which I released as a preview to some strong enthusiasm. Our new data guy, Martin, started today and I've got high hopes this pans out to be an improvement for our needs. We moved the dining room table in Pano to the living room to toy with the concept. It's ok but too wide for the space. Allergies continue to plague both Jen and, oddly, myself, which has not been the case most of my life. I feel like I'm missing something. Hmmm. If it comes to me I'll bring it back up. In general everything is pretty status-quo but for me, that means I'm still adding more to my task list than I am removing. I need to change my approach and like wine, stop adding to a backlog I can not keep up with as it is.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.1 lbs,❤️ 63.4 bpm, 👣 5041.8 steps, 🧘🏼22 min

I made more progress on thinning out the wine today, having pulled 12 out just to take to Mark and Wendy's, as well as moving things about between the two homes and hopefully staging further reductions on the short-term horizon. Jen and I spent the AM at Pano. I made further progress on my work task fleshing out my proof-of-concept for a dynamically generated report. I got a great opportunity to upgrade the TFF tickets for 6/2, Graduation night, to "VIP" seats and just said WTF and did it. And in that vein, I reached out to Mary, suggested Tara be her accompaniment and offered up the LG house for her to stay a few days and reconnect with friends and history after a pretty hard year. It gives me a great sense of accomplishment to be able to do so. If all goes well Jess and Bev will snag the other two tickets and while she's out maybe we'll get some of the rest of the old crew together again. It's comforting how we all went in various directions but can reconnect down the road. Feels like… aging. Dinner tonight was a blast as always. Such a great dynamic group. Mark played "The Circle Game". I got swept away by the realization that my chance and time with my kids has truly passed. With one I succeed, the other I failed. I'd do it again if I could, and do better in many ways. Then he played "Good Riddance" and I realized how it was less than 20 years ago that I compiled a video of my kids including a segment with this song, and with them and their mom, who's now gone from their lives. I had to hold back my tears, not wanting to have to explain the complexities of my emotions in the moment. But my, how time has passed. It's almost too hard to comprehend when I think about the very brief relative moment I have had and squandered.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.1 lbs,❤️ 63.4 bpm, 👣 5041.8 steps, 🧘🏼22 min

It was nice to wake up at home as I expected it would be. And to be back into some routines, as annoying as they can be (am squats just suck) it feels like an accomplishment to complete them. The workday was decent, in fact I made significant progress on my effort to take over the automation of the cultivate reporting. What I'm doing won't be fully automated, but provided we can get the data we need consistently pulled and imported, it's a huge step in the right direction and will take the guesswork and manual aspect off the table. It's a bit disappointing, to be honest, to see how this has been implemented by others. I would have expected a far greater set of skills and initiative around resolving the problem. It's not rocket science, it's formulas and linked charts. Linda's sister reached out wanting to continue the discussion about the house and I pretty much said we should just get lawyers talking. It's past a point of being reasonable. It's absurd, frankly. The house is mine, outright, and that she's apparently spent a chunk of time trying to pursue some angles related to ensuring the kids get 1/2 of it (which they will and then some) is insulting. I told Tommy the move was on hold and he called her and told her he was no longer looking to dispute my rights to the house. She called Lauren and she said the same. It sounds like she's going to let it go. I ran the new wine and a good chunk of our Matson inventory over to Panorama and into the wine cellar. It's pretty packed now and I still have more to manage. We're going to give some away to friends, like if we go to dinner we'll bring three bottles not one, expecting to leave one for their use another time. The more we thin out the more I look forward to closing off club memberships and starting to just explore options with less of a focus on long-term storage and maturation. The GOBM and Costco and Inotecha options are all wonderful without having to keep 36 bottles stored for a few years in order to be at their best. It's time to start enjoying. That being said it was a nice break today to not have wine after 4 days of tasting. We accepted a dinner party invitation and we're going to bail on the "date night" thing in Los Gatos. It's not what I was thinking it might be, I don't want to taste wines and sample food, I don't want to participate in blind auctions or raffles, I just want to connect with my friends over dinner and a simple glass. So that's our night tomorrow. I'll be working more tomorrow on the slides, continuing to put the framework in place while working around the data constraints.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.8 lbs,❤️ 62.8 bpm, 👣 5026.9 steps, 🧘🏼24 min

Aaaaand… we're back. Home. We had a great trip but it occurred to me early this am that the time-line for our return Friday was such that it was going to be more problematic than it would be worth, while taking off this evening would afford us a much better drive, and allow us to start our day back home. The place we stayed was great but we were not in a situation where there was a huge value-add by staying overnight. Unlike a place in the redwood or on the beach, it was a pleasant house but there wasn't anything to gain. We worked our work day, went to Justin for our final tasting (Jen's choice), and then packed up and hit the road by around 7pm. I'm glad we did. Both kids seemed genuinely happy to see us which was heartwarming. Lucky too, to see us and Scottie. I have a busy day tomorrow working diligently on the cultivate report deck revisions I have committed to deliver so I'm going to get some sleep and resume the routine in the am. More to come.

A Return to Allegretto? For a Burger? Yum!

An early start gave me time to stroll into town and find another coffee option. "Joebella". Decent. I bought a bag of beans to hold us over until the next Verve order's placed. Scottie's AM routine was the usual frantic need to get out, shit, and return home against all efforts to explore otherwise. He's not good with change. Maybe it was the deer? In any case, he saw fit to kick over both of our coffee cups at once. It's all about timing and placement. I tried to let it go, but at the same time, it would not have happened with more proactive thought as to the risks, and those things gnaw at me. It's the 'control' thing, I guess. The chess game is constantly being played, and the possible outcomes are always being considered. It gets pretty exhausting, and today it was everywhere. Work-wise, I started to feel like I was on edge and getting challenged, being called out for failing, and feeling like I didn't grasp anything. It's not an unreasonable observation, and the last few months have lost opportunities to take more aggressive steps to move some balls forward. In some sense, I'd welcome just being ejected from the game. Even a break is not 'a break' when the demands are such that I work part-time on vacations or that a trip includes ensuring I'm keeping engaged with critical needs. All that being said, I'm well paid to solve problems, and that's what I need to focus on right now—solving problems. We went to Chronic Cellars and ended up (drumroll) joining their wine club. It's hard not to when the value is so compelling. Do we need 12 more bottles of wine a year? No. Will we buy 12 more over a year? Yes. So, ultimately, as it goes with coffee, it's something we treat ourselves to. That's why we ended up (drumroll) doing the same thing with Le Vigne. Our 2nd stop this afternoon. Both wineries were enjoyable for very different reasons. Ironically we didn't join "Merycrest," my favorite of the entire trip. Still, with these other two in place, we expect to make at least one or two trips down over the next year to pickup wines and hopefully do so with friends that would enjoy sharing the time and wine and a meal. We were both pretty toasted by the time we were done, so the stop at Allegretto for dinner at Cello was well-timed and gave us a chance to get some food. The burger was terrific. I was fine to drive by the time we left, but Jen pretty much fell asleep when we got home. I did, too but woke later with a nasty sore throat. Shit. Shit shit shit. Covid? Perhaps, perhaps not, but I think we overdid the day with two stops. I'm too old to be wine tasting multiple times in a day. Maybe too thin, too. My system doesn't handle it the same as it used to. We had plans to visit another winery or two tomorrow, but I'm rethinking them. There are SO VERY MANY down here. It's hard not to feel a need to try them all, but I think we might abandon that for the afternoon and do something else. Drive to Morro Bay or Cambria, go antique shopping and look for a decent meal with outdoor seating. Scottie will need to be dragged along or managed the whole time, but it's our last day/evening before returning home, which might make for a pleasant change of pace.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.6 lbs,❤️ 60.6 bpm, 👣 5140.4 steps, 🧘🏼24 min

I know, and I'm trying. I'm trying real hard, Ringo..

Remote working from Paso continues. Another good day all around. Heavy workday but less so than yesterday, meaning that we managed to shut down by 3 pm and headed out to a wine tasting appointment at Daou. Not a fan, but I rolled with the hype. I stopped first, en route, at Manucci after Marlin shared having been there the weekend before we arrived. Beautiful property with Southwestern motive in transition top Greek. Investors have bought it, and they're turning it into a "Greece" themed winery and rental. I liked the southwestern but recognize the appeal of both. Mike there shared a backstory of moving from the Bay Area, selling their home after 2yrs of having bought and vacation rented a property in Paso. SUCH an appealing idea. Sigh. We moved on to Daou. After arriving and seeing the venue and view, I entered with skepticism and found that it's pretty hard to challenge the appeal. he location is breathtaking. And I mean that on a literal level. It's spectacular. Like, Mt Umunhum level of "wow." It's the Glacier Point of Paso. The wines were better than I expected, and we learned that what's served there for tastings is a separate production tier than what's at Costco and TJ's. OK, I see the business model and respect it, and the quality of their Pinot was also breathtaking. I can find others just as wonderful at smaller vineyards with less commercial backing. We tipped well and enjoyed the experience, Disney as it was. I'm glad it's off the checklist, but more than Daou, I appreciate the extensively marked-up map that we got from Mike at Manucci for our future visits. I love the small operations. We returned to 237 17th, settled in, and had a nice meal of sausage and Caprese I whipped up while we finished off the "Heart of Glass" from Vines on the Merycrest. It was a bit excessive given all we had at the tasting in hindsight. Tomorrow we have two wineries to visit after 2 pm, the 2nd with some cheese pairing, and I think I'll set aside opening anything after that.

I'm seeing a pattern here (see 4/23/22 image)...

It was a good day. GREAT coffee (spearhead) but a short walk, as the dog's not quite figured out he's safe in this new world. The evening walk included close encounters of the deer kind and he frozen like a dog in the headlights. Just fixated on them. It was fun to see him trying to make sense of this new beast. The day was a full work day. I broke open one of our bottles in the PM (Vines on the Merycrest - "Heart of Glass" and enjoyed it immensely. We're working tomorrow until 3pm then off to Daou for a scheduled PM tasting with food. All in all a nice calm day for a change.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.4 lbs,❤️ 60.7 bpm, 👣 5272.7 steps, 🧘🏼21 min

Annual Mother's Day breakfast from LG Cafe - year 18

One of the many rewards that come with writing routinely, nightly when possible, is how it reveals just how much can happen in a 24hr period. Was it only just yesterday that I was packing for Paso so we'd have less delay in the morning? Tommy never came home last night. It put my 6hr meditation course and the concept of accepting what I can and can not change to the test. I was pissed, especially to wake up at 1.30 am and find him not home; I called, and he didn't answer. He didn't tell Jen, I or Lauren anything about it, but he spent another night at the Marioni home. I don't mind that; I mind the lack of consideration that comes from not thinking to let us know, day two or not. I was bothered by this, and Jen helped me reset by reminding me that this is just "how it is," and I can't expect otherwise. That reminded me about the whole foundation of expectations and the stoic concept of having none. Along with that, if somebody doesn't meet your expectations and that upsets you, who's responsible? Exactly. So I settled down, though, "fuck it," and finally fell asleep. Still, I was exhausted in the morning. Lauren called in the LG Cafe order, and we drove to get it and head to Madronia, where we'd meet Tommy. On the way there, he called and said he'd go later in the day because he was helping Vinny and Mark with some Mother's Day efforts for Wendy. Lauren was pissed because this was supposed to be a family effort. Still, she quickly let it go. We had a bittersweet and poignant breakfast sitting graveside on grocery bags from the CRV trunk while eating the typical traditional breakfast that has been a tradition seldom if ever, missed every Mother's Day. From year one until now. We reflected on some memories and focused our thoughts on her mom for about 20-30 minutes before we packed up and headed to Matson. I'm so glad we went because I know it was a good experience for Lauren, and she will look back fondly on this effort to continue a tradition. Hopefully, even carry it on long after I'm not involved. Jen and I packed up the car with our bags and frozen portions of food for scottie ("pupsicles") and headed to Paso on time, with time to spare before our 1st stop. As we drove along the Soledad area, she mentioned that the "Wrath" wines we like are grown along the foothills. I took a look online and found that we were 20 min away from their winery. That realization and knowing we were in no hurry took us off the path and straight to Wrath. The area is beautiful, there's an endless stretch of vineyards along the drive, and the Wrath property was breathtaking. We got there just before they opened (11). Their tasting room sits beside a large lily pond surrounded by yellow and purple wildflowers. It turned out we had a club shipment to pick up anyway. We enjoyed a couple of light tastes, walked about, and then headed on our way to Paso. Scottie did well in the car and fairly well at the winery. He gets overwhelmed. We made it to Bodega de Edgar right on time. It's tucked far away in the western hillside. They focus heavily on Spanish grapes and wines. We had an informative tasting with a very knowledgeable guy named "Andy." Half my age, he's traveled and worked in viticulture for years, domestic and abroad. We enjoyed it and, surprise, purchased a few bottles too. Then we ended our 'tasting spree' at "Vines on the Merycrest," a spot recommended by Jess and Bev. It was great. Simple, humble, small operation with great wines and some interesting twists. Like a Malbec that Victor intentionally tried to 'downplay' and take the 'fight and bite' out of it. We bought bottles there too. It's insane that we're doing so because we have more than we can drink, but it's also something we enjoy and enjoy sharing. The more we have, the more we can gift, experience, and the less I'll feel inclined to hold onto it for the right 'year.' We're trying to stick to a three-bottle max per winery and not join clubs. That means our range of vineyards will dramatically expand and that we'll have more specific memories and associations with each. A stop at the Airbnb (more on that another time), a run for some Spearhead coffee beans for the week (right around the corner), then a trip to GOBM to snag what'll likely suffice for our week's eats and we were parked for the evening. Jen whipped up some chicken and cauliflower rice for dinner, and we're both wiped. We're set up for a full workday tomorrow. We'll likely venture out in the morning to walk Scottie and check the neighborhood out more, then again in the PM. Tomorrow will be a low-key day, and I don't expect we'll do anything other than perhaps look at a few antique shops. I have a lot of work to do myself, but I also want to maintain some habits, including increasing meditation and mindfulness. I also want to manage my intake to maintain my weight. I was back at my baseline this morning and would like to be there still next Saturday when I wake up at Matson again. That will take discipline. Especially when I'm surrounded by wine and dine options. Wish me luck.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.9 lbs,❤️ 60.5 bpm, 👣 5083.4 steps, 🧘🏼21 min

My ability to influence lies only in my response.

Jen and I spent the entire day Friday working from Panorama. And loving it. It felt so good to be there. Oddly good, given the circumstances that have landed us there. We even talked about how odd it feels, but also how the energy is positive. The changes we've made and the efforts I have put into doing what I can to honor Linda's memory within the home for the kids and myself too all feel like they're settling into a healthy vibe. My counseling appointment was good. I walked away reminded that I need to recognize that Tommy is not capable at this point in his life of "forgiving me" for leaving and leaving him in a traumatic situation. Plain and simple, and agonizing to accept, but it's true. It doesn't mean however that I have to take abuse. It might be years if not decades before he's in a place to reconcile and recognize and fuck, I might be gone then. Just like my own father was for me. I don't wish that on anybody but it seems like it's a natural part of loss and life going on. We grow and learn more as we age. After work we had dinner with Jon and Cheryl, enjoyed a Wrath Pinot and a French Bordeaux and returned to show them the setup at Panorama. Oddly, something's either broken or "askew" with the turntable's cartridge that I need to revisit another time. Jen and I have lots of ideas of things we may try out but we also started realizing we have waaaaayyyyy too much stuff and we both want to really dramatically pair down. It's going to be a challenge. We got up early, got paint, and made dog food. But not with the paint. She went to meet her cousin at Panorama. She is taking the TV and the French dresser. She did just that. And Jen painted while I attended a 6hr meditation seminar with Big Heart City and Vinny Ferraro. It was useful. Very useful. Letting go of trying to control anything other than my reactions was my takeaway. I am going to modify my "atomic habits" to increase the time I spend reinforcing that. We got some "patio time" in before coming in to get ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be taking the kids to Madronia with LG Cafe food and flowers in the morning to visit their mom's gravesite. I have a hard time putting it that way because it's a reminder that she's really literally dead. That remains something I have yet to fully accept. Then Jen and Scottie and I will go "WFH" from a Paso Robles airBNB. The weather should be ideal, cool but not cold, and each day we will end early and go wine taste or do other fun stuff.

I was elated to find that with a modest degree of effort, I was able to get the 1962 Zenith console record player working. I played Jesus Christ Superstar, A Taste of Honey, Twin Sons of Different Mothers, The Association, some Lenny Bruce and of course, Dark Side of the Moon. Does this change my mind about the audio quality of vinyl over CD? N.F.W. This things from 1962! Maybe a better rig would introduce a stronger challenge but that's not my goal. I have a handful of LPs I'd love to have the occassional option to play but truth be told this will likely be used infrequently. It's just a fun showpiece for the room and brings back some of my absolutely fondest memories of childhood. THAT is my goal. I had a strong day of engagement in work tasks including having David come down and hang for about an hour or so. We had some hardware to swap so it just worked out that way. Tommy and I started to butt heads at dinner and I left to take care of errands in order to avoid the escalation. I'm glad I did, as it helps reinforce that I have to manage myself, not him. I got some additional details about the whole house deed processing that really helped further cement what my attorney told me this am.. being that the "attestment" document is a full on door slam as to any options to contest anything. I agreed. Had a fun text exchange with Marya, with Jeri, and with my brother. Also had a nice exchange with Kelly W regarding Bailey's school project based on Linda's idea of an Airstream bar business idea. It was a gracious exchange about water under bridges. I appreciated the sentiments. I worked sitting at the window in a manner I've envisioned and the motivaiton for the bench seats I intent to put there. I'm hoping to continue with a strong focus on work during work hours and my only interruption is a 1hr meeting with the hospice counselor, who's been just awesome to talk to as I work through the needs to support myself and to process the experience of the past 13 months. I also want to work a 2m walk into the day, which I've said before but end up compromising on or outright forgetting. Jen and I have dinner plans with friends and I am looking forward to a delicious salmon dinner with a Pinot from the wine collection, and some stimulating conversation.

Inner Conflict #451

I like to hear myself talk, but I hate my voice. Go figure.

Mid-Century Modernizing Panorama

Jen was in Portland Tuesday. Lauren and Tommy were both away for most of the day doing their own things too, leaving me time to focus on predominantly work-related tasks. I don't remember much about yesterday. When I don't write nightly stuff just gets pushed off the "limited memory table" to make room for the next day. I can speak to today though. It was a good workday and a good non-workday. I managed to regain some lost progress with my core role and enjoyed some positive interactions because of it. Today I had some "meh" coffee (Peets Big Bang from Costco ≠ it's name) and focused on the compressed am scheduled due to meetings and the furniture pickup being moved up to  11 instead of 12. I barely got there in time. The storage unit was packed but we worked through it and quickly had the couch and chairs in the truck, and then unloaded at Panorama. I returned to Matson to finish the workday. Oh, yesterday I started working out some ideas for the Lauren Vegas trip after booking the flight and securing the resort. The more I look the more fun ideas I find. Jen returned from Portland and we went to Pano so we could see the spacing and placement of the furniture. She wanted to move it about. I was irritated at first because I had other things to do, but that was brief, and it all worked out. I'm excited about the possibilities. We also talked last night about finding some creative options to get the kitchen done ASAP since logistically we can't move fully into the place before June and more likely July. We'll focus on the basics, enough to get that work done quickly while leaving the "can do once we're in" work for later. I got a text from Kathy asking about further documents related to the house. It's really irritating to be continuing to defend what's clearly legal and done. I let her know that it was becoming a problem and that we needed to stop adding to my plate. Tommy got his teeth whitened today even after asking my opinion beforehand and seemingly having taken it to heart. Impulse move, IMHO, and he called afterwards feeling some regret and concerns. I was grateful that the did so, and I just talked him down. That felt positive. I am glad Jen's home and I'm excited about having a work/play week in Paso coming up. It'll be good to get away and connect with less distractions.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 163.5 lbs,❤️ 60.6 bpm, 👣 5737 steps, 🧘🏼8 min

Nothing positive comes from being negative.

T

Yesterday morning, Sunday, while at Panorama getting ready to start the day's focused activities, Lauren called me about having car issues. Based on what Tommy shared in parallel and my recent observation that her car sounded "like a sewing machine," it became apparent that she was low on oil. Although she took my car to buy oil and put it in, the car went into a "cripple" mode to avoid the excessive risk of damage by the time she did so. That meant it was underperforming, and that threw her. She pulled over and parked, and I went to meet her near Matson and checked things out. It sounded fine by then, and we did some reading and got more oil.

All of this leads up to my morning today, including a quick check with her after it had set idle overnight. All looks good, and the car sounds a lot better too. Jen and I talked on our walk about Lauren's bomb-drop revelation regarding not wanting to go to San Diego after all. We both feel that she'd be fine just doing AA-level studies at the local community college while figuring out where she wants to go and what she wants her focus to be. But she's saying she wants to go to Sacramento. That's fine too. My shock and frustration wore off, and I saw it as nothing to obsess about trying to control. This is life being lived, and like her brother wanting to take a "gap" year, you can't force a horse to drink. I'm just glad that she has a desire to go at all. Work was good; I'm making progress on some metrics to give us insight into workload and demands. My mom moved back to Farallone, and I followed with the remaining items she didn't take home a bit behind her. She's all settled back in. Lauren and I talked about summer trips and road trip ideas, and I think we will go to Vegas to see a few shows and dine and sightsee. That should be fun. I am looking forward to doing that in early June. We'll move into Panorama between June/and July with some overlap if all goes well. There's a lot to do, and full working time only leaves small windows of opportunity. Jen's heading to Portland for work tomorrow and will return Wednesday PM, at which point I hope to have the living room furniture in place at Panorama too. I listened to more of "Ghost Rider" tonight while cleaning up the kitchen. It's entertaining to listen to his travels, primarily through Northern California. It's yet another source of inspiration for writing. He referenced a Jack London quote that stuck with me. "The function of man is to live, not to exist." Amen.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 163.4 lbs,❤️ 61.6 bpm, 👣 6355.9 steps, 🧘🏼9 min

Scottie got up in the middle of the night and wandered out, oddly out of character, and I went to find him a bit later, on the couch. He followed me back. Maybe it was something he ate? He seemed fine in the morning. We made the mistake of taking him to Crema with us. It didn't go well. Paso may be a struggle too. We'll see. We tackled more tasks at Panorama. Jen got the whole front room painted and it looks so much better. I sorted through the remaining items of the kids and through the bins, getting it all labeled and consolidated and into the garage. The inside of the house still has a few more areas needing some clearing like the hall closets for example, but we're making great progress. The fact that I'm getting to the point where the garage is clearing up is exciting. We'll see how this week goes. My mom's supposed to return to her home tomorrow and I'll be trying to find slices of time to put into the house after that, especially with Jen in Oregon Tuesday/Wednesday. Lauren announced tonight that along with missing the deadline to register for on-campus housing at San Diego, she doesn't really want to go. I'm pissed becuase she's all over the map and it sounds like excuse and rationalizations masking anxiety and fear. I get it, but it's late in the game and it's a disappointment. I don't want to force her but I also don't want to let what might be the best opportunity for her to be dismissed and later, regreted. I spent the rest of my night just trying to get some scheduled events for the week we're in Paso, making reservations and such. I think it's a long way to go just to work and we're going to both be working in the mornings and doing things in the afternoon. I wanted some good options lined up and between the Gibsons and the Fuelleman's, I got a lot of good recommendations and even some overlaps. It'll be a refreshing break and change of pace to go somewhere fun for a week.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 163.2 lbs,❤️ 61.7 bpm, 👣 6706.7 steps, 🧘🏼11 min