I have said this many times before: taking time at the end of the day to reflect on and capture the events is challenging, but substantial over time. I believe there is either science or theories around the act of writing something down being a reinforcement of that thought. I often try to reflect on yesterday's experiences and insights the following day. But I seldom succeed. The volume of things I find on my plate, waiting or introduced in spattered patterns throughout the day, take my full attention off being consious and mindful and present. Said another way, reaction mode seems to be my only forward gear. Last night Tommy stayed at Panorama, sick from apparent food poisoning. He's alienated me again and significantly so I really didn't care. Well that's not true, I did, but I avoided engagement for my own sanity. Jen and I walked the dog and retuned to focus on work which was just what I did. It was a full day. Around 1pm I went to try and help Wendy with some gmail configuration issues. We ended up talking about kids stuff and she shared some observations about Tommy. I pretty much dumped, again, all of the angst and upset and anger and disbelief I'm wrestling with. It was validating to say the least. I'm glad she seems to feel like she can influence him in positive ways. I certainly can't. But after that stop I went to complete my workday at Panorama. He was there and I was removed. He was still recovering. It wasn't fake, he was still throwing up and struggling. I felt so bad for him and I relaxed just enough to show some reasonable degree of support. When Wendy and I talked prior I emphasized that I was not 'giving up' on ever having anything in the realm of a healthy or positive relationship with him, but things reached a point where I need to protect myself from use and abuse. It's that simple. I left and returned to Matson. Lauren drove me around a bit in the evening. I miss her and the time we shared before she got her license. We got a lot more 1:1. Now she's far less integrated but she's still here and part of the disconnect might be me. I'm off. I feel backlogged and unable to get traction. I feel lost in the weeds. I'm even feeling removed from Jen too. Every once in awhile I just wonder "is it me"? Am I just not wired for family and relationships? I know one thing that hit me earlier this week. Gratitude and Appreciation are big deals for me. I have stopped watching TV and I'm not missing it because I want and need the time to attend to maintenance routines like picking up the house, prep'ing coffee, ensuring everything is back in it's place, and that all keeps me busy from 6am until 11pm daily. I need help and collaborative support and I don't feel I have it.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 162 lbs,❤️ 65.3 bpm, 👣 4448.3 steps, 🧘🏼4 min