Last I heard…

Jen wanted to try making "keto" bread with a new approach. It came out quite well, and we agreed to a couple of changes to make it even better. "Everything Bagel," Rosemary, & Cinnamon bread. I hit my goal, 173. It feels great to have finally returned to that after way too many years in unhealthy excess. I'm going to work hard to maintain this going forward. I dropped Lauren at work, then swung by Panorama to get my Planetary Design mug and put the screen back on the bathroom window. When I got there, I found a green waste bin filled with leaves that I assumed was Jeff and Terry's use as I offered. Then I went inside, and when I realized that Kathy was staying in Linda's room, I took a minute to return the bathroom door there for her use. When I went outside and put the window screen back, I noticed that something looked different. The fallen branches were missing from the hole in the fence. Not only that but so were more than 1/2 of the branches. Cut limbs and other pieces remain, but somebody did this. I had been trying to find a reasonably priced option to hire. Although the task is covered by insurance, I want to promote ethical rates and opportunities by getting estimates. Now it's 1/2 done! I'm trying to contact the neighbor in case she was involved in that. Or perhaps it was a good-samaritan effort by a neighbor ... but that seems like a stretch. Marissa and Nigel came down to visit my mom before moving to Washington in less than two weeks. It was a pleasant visit, and I am super excited for the opportunity this will be for them to start a new chapter. I went to Tommy's hockey game against LG High, and Jen helped get Lauren from Vasona to Yogurtland. I've not seen Linda for a few days now since Kathy's out, and it's been nice to take a break, but I'm ready to go again tomorrow. She's being moved from the private room to a shared space to reduce costs and avoid relocating her. It's an excellent step to take at this point. None of this is easy, and as I told Kathy, I'd rather assume she's aware of things than assume she's not, and I'm willing to put the time and effort into this, as a time will come soon where I won't be able to. Yes, life will move on and forward in many ways, and when I look back, I'll know I lived up to my ideals.

Habits & Routines: Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↓

Tommy's car on Skyline photographed by an amateur photographer he met after they took this

My morning started early, for a Saturday. I met Comcast at Panorama at 7.30 am. I used the time to start collecting the wood scraps and assorted items into one place. The Comcast guy was pleasant and quickly worked around the fallen tree to reconnect the house cable.  Tommy and I had breakfast at LG Cafe. Linda's brother visited her with her sister this morning, and apparently, she would not wake up. So that didn't work out as expected. He waited too late and for selfish, ignorant, childish reasons that I'll never understand. He should be ashamed of himself for this and his similar treatment of his brother. This from the man who professes the value of family? Spare me, you infantile prick. Yeah, I'm pissed. Separately I was informed that a friend was having a tough time with an addiction, and I tried to reach out and initiate some contact and dinner but learned today that they'd had a seizure and landed in intensive care. One of Jen's friends came by and talked about a few sudden deaths in her circle (healthy people having a heart attack or an aneurysm and just dying, suddenly and with no forewarning. How sad and tragic that is. I'm glad I'm seemingly healthy for now and that I'm more conscious of mortality than before. Lauren went to Aqui with Kathy, but Tommy didn't go.

The wires going to the house did need replacement after all.

On our walk, Friday morning, Lauren and I found that the 'hidden screw' we'd found and set in a specific place was gone. I first found it on our walk on September 23rd, and then I moved it about three weeks later to a utility box closer to Branham lane. Each day we passed by, I'd glance over and confirm it was still there. But this time, it was gone. Lauren quickly deduced it was likely due to the access needs post-storm and power-related issues. That makes perfect sense. I'd taken Friday off, ran some errands and enjoyed a low-demand day. Jen and I had a nice night out at Opa and went to see "The French Dispatch". The seating at the the theater was so uncomfortable that I was in pain within 30 minutes. The onslaught of advertising and coming attractions reminded me that I should not bother showing up until 10-15min into the scheduled showtime. The subtitles used were cut off the bottom of the screen and went so quickly I could not keep up. All in all, although it was pure Wes Anderson, my expectations were for something other than what I got. I'll see it again, though, and will likely enjoy it more a second time.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↔︎

I tried to journal last night, but I found myself inhibited were prohibited by technology. I have been using Jen's MacBook Air, which I kept bedside, allowing me to end my day capturing reflections on the day before retiring. I rely on technology to synchronize my phone and my main computer with this device. I spent about 15 or 20 minutes last night trying to get that working without success. I have no idea why it failed. I have no idea why my attempts to restore the functionality did not work. All I know is it failed and left me disinterested in dealing further with said technology. I would be lying if I said this was a common occurrence. It typically works just fine. But as with any scenario, when I am ready to use the tool, having that tool be functional is imperative. Yes, I could've gotten up and gotten my laptop and continued. But I'm not set up to have it charging there. The resolution here is to abandon the expectation of having multiple devices consistently available. In any event, reflecting on yesterday, I started the day with an argument with Lauren while walking. I was expressing some feelings, and she contradicted me, and then my opinion shut me down. It pissed me off because it's what I deal with constantly from her sibling, and I don't need it coming from both sides. My stress level is pretty high given all of the chaos around PG&E and power panorama and cable and insurance and fallen trees. On which note, I did get PG&E to come out finally. I had gone to Linda's facility and visited briefly in the morning (she was not communicative) and then got a call from Tommy saying PGE was there. I rushed home, and the PG&E guy was curt and mean and abrasive and offensive. I walked away and started to call PG&E. Then I took a breath and recognized that the workload and stress of their work and their position, following that intense storm of all of the damage being reported, is probably overwhelming. You get tired of dealing with novice questions about why power can't be restored unless something on the house is fixed by an electrician that you have to pay for, which is what happened. They call it the weather head, and it was aged and had exposed wires and not considered safe for them to reconnect. I contacted a few electricians and got ahold of one that seemed reasonable. Then I got a bid that was half of what he asked. But I also rolled with it, recognizing that it would all be covered by insurance anyway. I have a $1000 deductible, and this alone will address that, and we will be splitting it with the neighbor when it comes to the repairs for the fence and the removal of the tree. Given that she just lost her husband and her deductible is twice as much as mine, it seems like a reasonable thing to do. Zach and the plumber came by to resolve the issues with the toilets in the rental house. It turns out that the calcium I deal with monthly in our coffee maker is also subject to causing problems in water flow in the toilet. It sounds like they cleared out a great deal of buildup, and things seem to be working a lot better. I finished off my night with a double feature in my Wes Anderson marathon. The Grand Budapest Hotel and Isle of Dogs. The Grand Budapest Hotel remains cemented as my absolute favorite. I think it's perfection in every way. Visually, character development, pacing, music. It's just fantastic. It's a delight. Isle of Dogs was terrific too. I booked tickets for Friday night so that we can see The French Dispatch. The past couple of days have been heavily consumed with my working through frustrations and complications in a way that I feel positive and good about. The whole fiasco around Comcast outage, power issues, PGE's visit and disconnect, next-door neighbor Pat's subsequent outage being a tripped breaker, the electrician doing the work and then being told it requires permits, the chasing of permits, and the sudden call and resurrection of power by PGE guy "Chase" who saw past the red tape… what a ride. Yet with a moderate exception, including a call to Jen to 'talk me down' from getting worked up about something I can't change by getting worked up, I rolled with things as gracefully as I could, and I kept a positive attitude and approach with others I was trying to work with. At this point, the power's back on, the internet will be back Sat AM, and Kathy can stay there for the rest of her visit. We had an excellent lunch conversation, and I  felt 'heard' on many levels. GNO with BL and JG was informative. We discussed some low-level technical aspects of each of their roles at RoKu, and it gave me a deeper appreciation for the business and complexities. I'm taking tomorrow off to catch my breath and use a PTO day I'll otherwise lose.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↔︎ 

Sunday started off nicely. I watched the short film "Hotel Chevalier" and then "The Darjling Limited". I'd seen both some time ago, and as was the case with "The Life Aquatic", I got so much more out of it this time around. It's sublime in its character arc, and it's a visual feast for the eyes to watch. The Fantastic Mr. Fox was next, and then I took a break to make a flourless chocolate torte with Jen. It came out well. Later, I started watching "Moonrise Kingdom" but was too distracted by a wide range of things including the oncoming assault of wind and rain that ultimately took our internet down. So, a chunk of time was lost to triage, debugging and ATT calls. It also felt really weird to be 'untethered'. At first, it felt foreign, awkward, almost apocalyptic. Then I started to warm up to it. We had power, and I made a delicious Salmon dinner for Jen and me with a creamy garlic sauce and steamed broccoli. And chocolate torte for dessert, naturally. Then I listened to all but the final chapter of "The Art of Dying Well" while clearing, cleaning, and preparing for the next day. I was wiped but stayed up in order to get Lauren from work. The winds were wild. On our walk this morning, although the rains had just ended, the branches and leaves were everywhere. Even our walk was blocked by a massive fallen limb. I jokingly told Jen I'd need to go check out the damage at Panorama. I went to see Linda and she was sleeping, so very deeply, that nothing I could do would wake her. Nothing. So I worked and decided I'd return later with Lauren. I stopped by Pano, got the mail, and confirmed the 3rd recycle bin was delivered. I could not get the Blueram camera working even after restarting the modem. As I was walking out to leave, I glanced through the back window and saw two massive tree branches from the huge tree in Bob and Francine's yard had fallen during the night, shattering a section of the fence. They also fell on the cable and power lines, and the cable line was completely detached. I took photos and drove to talk to Bob about the next steps. Only, Bob didn't answer. Francine did, and asked me to wait, as she was on the phone. When she returned I asked if she'd been talking to the insurance company and she said yes, but not the home insurance company. The medical insurance company. And that Bob passed away the week prior. I was stunned to hear this. Bob was always a pleasant man to know and interact with. It took my breath away to hear this news just as it took her's away when I told her about Linda's condition. I called insurance and they told me I should get the branches removed and they'd reimburse me, but I later checked the claim and stopped trying to coordinate that task until I better understood the deductible options. I called Comcast to coordinate the repair of the cable signal in the meantime and I'm waiting for that to get scheduled. Then I realized the lights in the bathroom, and both kids' rooms, don't work. So... it seems like there's a power issue too. I called PGE and reported the tree landing on the power line and that the home power is partially gone. Oh and I smacked my head into a tree/broken branch while pickup up debris and now have a nice gash. I'm gonna match Lauren's divot. I ended the night watching "Moonrise Kingdom". It's been a fun marathon and I have two more to go before I see the latest release. I don't recall ever doing anything like this and it's been a fun diversion from the chaos of so many first-world problems. Lauren had Anna over and then Victoria came to stay the night due to wifi issues at home.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↓

Last I Heard...

Highlights: Friday was my mom's 83rd birthday. Jen, Lindsey, Ryan, and I took her to Tomato Thyme for dinner. The meal was wonderful and we had a nice time. In retrospect, I wasn't as engaged in the event as I would have liked to have been. We talked a lot about many various things but it would have been nice to have put more attention onto her life at this milestone. Next year. Jen and I went to Tommy's hockey game afterward and it was great. They were down 0-4 and came back to tie it with literally 3.2 seconds on the clock when scoring the 4th point. Jen is so fun to watch this with, she really gets into the moment. Sometimes I feel like she's far more adept and living in the present than I am, and I admire that. Over the course of the weekend, I watched "The Royal Tenenbaums" again, for likely the 5th or 6th time, and enjoyed it as much if not more so than before. Maybe it's age, experience, or a deeper appreciation for the craft of writing and the art of production. I followed it with "The Life Aquatic", something I watched once and discarded but again, I appreciated it much more. Next up is "The Darjling Limited" which was broadly panned but I recall thinking it was OK the one time I watched it. I'm definitely delaying going to the new one, this marathon is taking longer than expected. But it's raining today, making it the perfect opportunity to continue. I did not make it back to visit Linda Friday but I went Saturday after dropping Lauren off. She's sleeping a great deal of the time and when awake, stares out the window, and has the briefest of moments of eye contact. I so wish we could know what's going on in her mind and thoughts so we could make more informed decisions about how to help her be at peace but without feedback that's not possible. At least she does not appear to be in any pain, although emotionally if she's conscious below the surface, I know this to be her worst nightmare. After struggling with Lauren on Thursday about how long we visited, I have stopped pressing or even bringing doing so again up for either of them. I know I'm trying to 'get ahead of a time in their lives when they might regret not spending time while they have it but time spent beyond what they're emotionally capable of is not time spent wisely.
Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Family Exercise Weight↔︎ 

I started the day with the usual routines and my morning walk with Lauren. I listened to "The Art of Dying Well" on the way back and throughout the day as time allowed. After walking Scottie with Jen, I went to Panorama for the morning meetings. The "early arrival" continues to be engaging as a way to reconnect with the distributed team. I boxed up and shipped out the Ali banner I sold on eBay and returned to Panorama for the weekly BIG meeting. Today's was an excellent one with lots of fascinating discussions about various aspects of burials. I have to say that the more I learn, the more I feel grateful to have started this education, to have my own circumstances quite well addressed, to recognize a sort of 'calling' for this topic, and to just be reminded on a regular basis that it's good to be alive. I worked from SRC in the afternoon and met with Dr. Silva. We discussed the usual things including the effort to find the right balance for cognition without anxiety. We are going to stick with what's working today but I'm watching for anxiety closely. If I see enough indication of it, we will nudge things up slightly. Lauren worked 4.30-7 and was told she was moving out of training mode which is a substantial increase. I'm happy for her. Tommy swapped out the transmission mount on his Audi. He has such an aptitude for mechanical things, it's quite impressive. Jen was busy all day with work demands. She's so tired. We were going to see "The French Dispatch" tonight but nudged it to Sunday. It'll be raining Sunday. I've been waiting for this movie for almost a year. In preparation, because I'm such a fan of his work, I'm doing a Wes Anderson marathon, chronologically, to revisit them all. 9 in total. I'll finish by Sunday. It's an undertaking but for fuck's sake I need a god damned break from work and death and cancer. I watched Bottle Rocket tonight, for the 1st time, and really enjoyed it as a starting point. Rushmore followed and as has been the case before, I see and appreciate more each time. Tomorrow I'll squeeze in the next two but the night is pretty packed with my mom's birthday dinner and a hockey game for Tommy so... shoot... maybe Sunday is too ambitious to get through the rest. We'll play it by ear, I guess.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Exercise Weight↑

I enjoyed the morning. Jen and I listened to an episode of "Hidden Brain" that touched on cognitive dissonance after walking the dog and having a good conversation about how the way we grew up and got our information has so drastically changed, and the onslaught of conspiracy theories and ignorance. We had our first "Early Arrivals" time this morning, a few popped in and chatted awhile and it was a really pleasant way to start the workday. I ran at lunch to get the Pilot smog done. It was a great experience; a pleasant person, no line, and a coupon. Score! I picked up Lauren's jackets from Panorama, picked up the mail, and returned to Matson. I think my reduction in coffee (roughly 1 large/day) is helping with my temperament. I took Lauren to see her mom at dinner time and like the day before, she was awake. She said "Hi" and "yes" a couple of times but that's it. She seemed to be struggling more. She looked really sad. Lauren was antsy about leaving so we left and I told her I'd be back tomorrow. We had an excellent dinner of TriTip and broccoli. I'll be trying to finish "The Art of Dying Well" this week. I have the next BIG training tomorrow. I want to start building some further connections with SRC and Hospice of the Valley that might lead to opportunities for me to do a 'practicum' of sorts.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Family Exercise Weight↓ 

"Sound Magazine" finally added to my collection

Highlights : Good working session in the AM and props to DPD coming up with the "Early Arrivals" idea for social connection time pre-scrum. Lunch stop at a nearby thrift store surfaced the long sought replacement of the 1st album I ever bought.(Actually, I bought it and Bill Cosby's "Wonderfulness" together at the Bucknell University bookstore in Lewisburg PA). Visited Linda after dropping Lauren at work so I landed there before dinner She was awake when I arrived. She said "yes" to questions a few times, but only about 10% of those I asked. It felt "hit or miss", I don't know that it was reflex or conscious response. She starred off into distance a lot, but appeared to make eye contact at times too. She feed herself chocolate coconut almonds and macadamia nuts once I put them In her hand. She had several small seizures … Parkinson's like trembling. She seems sad, possibly an effect of reducing lorazepam.I watched a brief documentary on the making of Wings of Desire tonight before Jen and I watched the Brittany Murphy documentary which was interesting but anti-climatic. I also listened earlier to some more "Hidden Brain" podcasts and they are just fantastic.

Good AM walk with Lauren. Talked about Wings of Desire movie and poster. Worked from SRC. Could not wake Linda up, she only ate ~15%. Returned home for meetings. Met with Tommy's counselor to discuss gradation, colleges, attendance and more. Good meeting. I made dinner for us all (using the term loosely, its was packaged frozen stuffed bacon wrapped chicken). Lauren and I played "go fish" and then Jen Lauren and I played Vertell?s and that was really a great use of time and got some interesting responses worth exploring in more detail. Oh, and today I learned about states being "at-large" as far as congressional districts means. Fascinating.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Family Exercise Weight↔︎ 

I pay far more attention to the times when I come to a full stop one moment before the light turns green then I do in all the times I drive right through a green light without any issue. Why is that?

Light fixture bolt falls, rolls under closet door, hides for 15 minutes, drives man insane

Yesterday's Aqui lunch with mom was pleasant, but it did get me thinking. What do I return to and relive or rehash? She brings up people and incidents from her past quite a lot and I suspect I do too. The divorce, Linda's cancer, work issues…. What am I going on about that's tired, old, already been said and perhaps holding me back? I stopped blogging about the divorce awhile back because it felt like a dead horse. Jen and I talk about some of the same stuff over and over too. I want to stop that. I need to stop that. I need to look around and ahead but not back. After visiting with her I got the Hairspray tickets and enjoyed the afternoon solo at Matson. Lauren and I had to do a rapid-turnaround routine between 6.15-7pm in order to get the neighbor's dogs fed and walked and her to work. We made it with room to spare. I enjoyed time on the patio with the fire pit as I'd intended. I slept well for a change. I woke feeling refreshed. My morning wake up routine with the ascending music playing on my iPhone, which I leave in the in bathroom in order to force me to rise before it gets too loud, is working well. And a recent find, a "Sunrise Alarm", might have helped too. I fed the dogs and walked Scottie around 6.30am. The sunrise was beautiful. The skies were blanketed with wispy stretches of oranges and grayish clouds. I listened to part 1 of the Cinefiles on "There Will Be Blood". Jennifer came back from her annual girls weekend mid-day. I need that. I need more time away from everything, as there is so much going on. The realities of Linda's impending demise weight heavy on me. It's painful to realize how much of an impact this will have on their future, the rest of their lives, and I find myself saddened when I read some of the posts throughout this year and recognize moments that seemed awful at the time, but which would be gifts to have once more.

Last I Heard...

Pants'd Pirate!

Jen's in Angels Camp for a girl's weekend as of Friday, and I'm solo with the dogs and kids. I was going to spend both days, all day, going through the garage at Panorama, but with this brief window of time having the house to myself, I'm reconsidering that idea. It's nice to have the house relatively to myself. Yesterday I visited Linda in the morning. She was sleeping and is sleeping more and more. I was on an exec call, talking when she suddenly started snoring like a 400lb walrus. Lovely. I had to apologize, reach for and touch her, which caused her to stop. I talked to Dr. Silva about her condition and he agrees that she's declining again and has in the past week. They're going to throttle the Lorazepam (anxiety) meds back 25% and we will watch for that does. Her breathing seems deeper, and she's stopped breathing (seemingly) for stretches of time that have caused me concern. He and I discussed the Michael Pollen podcast he'd recommend about psychedelics for dying patients as well as the whole "aid in dying" laws recently passed and how constrictive they are. He referred to the nature of medical practices as "arcane" and "byzantine", which I thought was spot on. I watched the HBO documentary he recommended, "Alternative Endings", and it was great. It touched on 3 key aspects of my focus – living wakes, green burials, and the right to die. I don't know why it's so hard to have these be openly adopted but ti suspect it's tied to religion, the 20 billion dollar funeral industry, and the inability of the medical community to evolve and put people before profit. Both dogs last night were missing Jen, Scottie most of all. He was clearly thrown by her absence. I'm visiting Linda right now, no change, and heading to have lunch with my mom, grab a couple of tickets to an upcoming play in Nov to surprise Jen, tackle a few tasks at Panorama, and return to Matson for the remainder of the day. It's a warm one, the last for a while, and I want to enjoy the patio one more time.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Family Exercise Weight↔︎

Hit a new goal in my weight loss this am. Enjoyed my GNO Wednesday night with Jess and Johnathon, as always. Jen and Lauren went to see Dear Evan Hansen and we all hung out while she went through a presentation for school the next day in History. She is such a great daughter. Today we walked our walk and then while dog walking, a neighbor chastised us for letting our dog on his lawn. He had a point but came at us with such anger that it made for a very uncomfortable exchange. We’ll certainly respect his request and we try to keep him on the median not on yards but its hard. He didn’t even pee there he was just sniffing but this is a way I used to feel when we didn’t have a dog. So I get that. I may extend an olive branch tomorrow or this weekend. I had the day off as did Jen. I went through yet-another effort to activate cellular on my watch and got almost all the way there but have to still visit a store tomorrow for the final hurdle. What a fucking joke, ATT. I ran Jen to get the BMW from the shop and back, did my BIG meeting and realized I need to spend some time getting back on track with that. I need to spend time getting back on track on a number of things including, most importantly, being present and grateful for everything I have and every day. Because we visited Linda twice and things are getting worse. When Lauren and I went mid-day with balloons we sang “Happy Birthday” to her and she sang along with us. Then she shut down. Maybe she answered YES to a question once out of a dozen times but in general she was really zoned out. And that’s without morphine. I talked to Kim and will talk to Silva tomorrow when there. I was delayed getting Lauren by some Apple account issues that locked Jen out and I was getting so irritated and frustrated by that, after ATT. WHY? Why and I letting this trivial shit frustrate me so? It’s taking valuable time and attention and introducing tension and discord. I really hate that I get derailed but I guess we all do. After dropping Lauren at work I went to Panorama to put out trash and spent time filling cans with stuff to discard. So Much Stuff. And I found things I’ll write about elsewhere, later, that hit a deep chord as to Linda’s unfulfilled search for happiness. Seeing her tonight with Tommy and Lauren was the worst. It was heartbreaking.  We took her her favorite ice cream and she ate some of it. But she was zoned out. She occasionally seemed to “come to” and would look into my eyes with such a stare of deep despair. Then she’d glaze over again. When we were preparing to leave after having no communication, Tommy knelt down beside her, touched her face, looked her in the eyes and said “I love you”. She breathed in deeply and with what seem to be every ounce of ability she had, she audibly strained to whisper “I ..love.. you“. Twice. And then fell silent again. The kids hugged her while I did my best to hold it together. It was a moment you’d expect to see in a movie. It left me sobbing as I tried to reach Kathy once the kids were home and inside and I could have some privacy. It’s getting unbearable to see her like this, and the reality is overwhelming. Jen was so understanding and supportive about it. It’s seems like such a callous thing to say but I don’t know how I’d have gotten through this, or my kids for that matter, without her.

Sunday was a day of activities. I took Lauren to Pano before work to see her Cousin Gena. I focused on tackling a slew of tasks at home including car interior cleaning, patio cleaning, returning the bedroom lights after deciding against the new one, passport applications and photos and appointments for all of us, and assorted other stuff. A car came speeding down our street and parked nearby. I approached them and asked the young drivers to please drive more carefully. I didn't go in anger, just with a sense of hope that maybe approaching the situation with reason would work. They were apologetic and polite. I felt good not going into it with anger. I picked up Gena later and took her with Lauren to see Linda. Gena had a nice visit with her, and some 1:1 at the end of the evening. Watched Halsey's "If I Can't Have Love…" movie on HBO. It was unexpected and impressive. I told Jen I wanted to get online to see the documentary on the making of it… "Seen The Behinds". ;-) This morning's walk with Lauren was good but dammed brisk. It made me realize why  I went to SRC, there were no significant changes. I continue to focus on showing her support and compassion. Returned to Panorama, picked up a few things and finished working form home. Both kids were home for dinner (Bacon wrapped Pork from Costco). I listened to CineFiles podcast (show 250) while cleaning up after dinner and getting busywork done. I have to stay up in order to take a work call in order to get our SSL validation task closed.

Last I Heard…

Lauren and I walked our routine walk Friday morning. On the way back I caught up to Larry, an older neighbor whose wife passed away late last year. They walked together every morning and now he continues, alone. I've often thought of joining him and this time, I did. It was a pleasant encounter and I'm hoping the opportunity to do so again lies in the week ahead. He's an interesting and good-spirited person. After some work tasks were addressed I headed to SRC to check in on Linda's changes since the removal of morphine. I observed a clear and striking difference. She actually smiled and literally, audibly laughed at one point, in a way I have not seen or heard in weeks, maybe months. She said "I'm trying to try" and "did they do that already?" And "I don't have any pain" and a few other clear and concise sentences. It was not constant or nonstop but it was quite encouraging as far as getting more chances to communicate without guessing or assumptions. I left feeling pretty good about working towards that end. Back at home that evening we got a spur-of-the-moment invitation from Dom and Mary to walk to the nearby sushi place. I got a bento box and we had a pleasant evening chatting and dining, and even dancing briefly at Holders outdoor music event. I hate dancing and wasn't really in the mood to go out dining but I love Jennifer and I know she needed a change from the usual routine. I set up and tested out the new "smart lamp". I don't like it. I boxed it up this morning and shipped it back. It's too harsh. I'm going to test something else out, I still want that "sunrise" experience with waking more naturally when it's dark out. I started weening off of Coffee starting today, too. I think it's a possible negative to my mental health and I want to see if removing it makes any difference. Jen and I had a nice day of alone time. We watched a live Maria Emerick stream going into all the details and science around PSMF and it really enlightened my understanding of what's been working and what had not been for so long. I plan to rewatch it tomorrow, along with "15 Minutes of Shame" which I watched but want Jen to see it too. After getting Lauren tonight we went to see her mom. Sadly she was not as she had been Friday morning. She was modestly responsive at first, briefly, and it was short-lived. She said my name when asked. She was very quiet and occasionally muttering repeatedly things that I could not understand. Her eye contact was intense. I felt she was looking intently and with awareness but that's totally an emotional assessment. Overall I suspect that the tumor's damage has her unable to speak or focus for long, but I think she's aware of her surroundings and circumstances. This is where the 'humanity' of being drugged and out of it or clear and aware and emotionally facing mortality comes into play. What a fucked situation. It really hit me again tonight that she's potentially suffering emotionally, who would not?

Anti Social

Watching '15 Minutes of Shame" on HBO makes me grateful that I got off social media when I did. Even when I look briefly at "nextdoor.com", I am stunned and deeply saddened by the vitriol and inhumanity in how quickly judgments are made. And that I might have or even still be conditioned to do so myself.

All The Rage

I've been experiencing an increasing amount of rage of late. Pure dense compacted explosive rage. It surfaced with Tommy earlier this week. It surfaced with my efforts to keep the peace when dealing with his treatment of his sister or just asking a simple question. It surfaced when I was working on swapping out the doorknobs at Panorama and found that there was not a single Phillips head screwdriver to be found. (They're there, I'm sure, but not where they should be and nowhere obvious. It's infuriating and triggering). It's really bad for me to be back in that hell hole nightmare clusterfuck pit of despair and disrepair. It all comes back to me and I literally shake after a while with anxiety and discomfort. Turning that place around is going to take a lot of effort and take a lot out of me on the way. My irritation is seeping into relationships too. Technology isn't helping either, because when it's not working and taking time daily to jiggle handles and tweak things, I feel the loss of the time it was intended to save being spent instead of trying to make it work. We're all beta testers, no matter what version we're told it is. I just need a break from being in a constant situation where I have competing demands on my time and attention. It feels like everybody assumes I'm idly waiting for something, please God anything, to fix or accomplish for them because I have nothing I want or need to accomplish of my own. Days and weeks and months are passing by as desires and goals go unmet and unfulfilled just so somebody else gets their needs met. I'm over it now, but man I can get really frustrated at times. It's not who I think I am deep down but I also expect it's how others see me, my kids, especially. That's nothing I want or am proud of.

I tried starting Tuesday off positively with a walk with Lauren. The orange cloud-filled sunrise was spectacular. I squeezed a couple meditations in prior, and that was positive too. But it went south quickly and my attitudes was pretty shitty for the last day or so. It'd just been a series of taxing demands and incidents. Nothing more than 1st world inconveniences that are not always understood as such when the umpteenth things goes awry. Sigh. Still, there were some highlights including some positive exchanges with my kids. I fixed the door knob at Pano (replaced) and have things all keyed alike now. Tommy did some work on his car and I told him sincerely how much I admired both his patience and the ability he's had for all his life to take things apart, understand how they work and put them back together. Lauren had Wed off so we had a family dinner at Luna. I have continued my focus on getting back in shape by increasing some daily exercise routines. I broke down an ordered my own Yeti mug after a few weeks of taking Jen's and really loving it for evening tea. I resolved some issues with the automated patio lights and refined some of the schedules for the house, and even ordered a new light for the bedroom that I can setup for gradual "sunrise" lighting, inspired by Tuesday's AM skies. As winter approaches I want to continue to wake as 'naturally' as I did when the sun was coming up by 6am. I have also managed to tackle and check off a few work related demands which feels great. Lauren's been driving more and doing well. It's hard to not over-direct so I'm going to try backing off on commentary tomorrow. Today's "BIG" training was good. I was at SRC from 8.30-2pm. I expected to get out sooner but 1st the Dr arrived, then I had that training session and after that there was a flurry of work demands that just kept me at the back of the court trying to return every volley. Things with Linda remain somewhat the same but there's less communication then there seemed to be when we first reduced the morphine. The Dr and hospice nurse were both there today and we agreed to remove it completely and see if the end result is she remains the same, which will validate it being the tumor, as the rest of the meds, now only three, are for anxiety, seizure prevention and steroids to keep the brain swelling down. It's honestly, sincerely a brutal horrible situation for her. I would never want to endure this. There's new laws that allow 'assisted dying' paths but they're so narrow that situations like this are excluded. And you can't express that wish in our advanced directive. It's horrible and along with other areas of interest and focus that have come from this, I've reached out tonight to see what I might be able to do as a volunteer for a nation wide organization lobbying to refine and improve these laws.

Highlights: I opt'd to sleep in and walk Wed with Lauren. I'm pretty aggressive about getting up early, at least I have been for awhile, and I don't want to backslide, but I was up a lot overnight and wanted a bit more sleep. Note to self about nighttime routines – large amounts of tea result in large amounts of pee. Tommy continues to be more pleasant, a welcome change. I found that our high-conflict moment yesterday correlated with a heart rate warning I'd not caught until today. I don't know which is worse. I set aside a bluetooth mouse for my mom and pulled in a keyboard fo my own needs only to find the battery cover so tightly sealed due to battery corrosion that the quarter I used to attempt to pry it open with, gave first. So yeah that's in the trash, both the quarter and the keyboard. Went to SRC. She's eating well and making eye contact with me but not talking. We did FaceTime with Kathy D and the nieces. Grabbed Lauren and took her to Vista Center for rework of Bioptics. Made it back with time to spare so she drove to work from Matson through backstreets and then up Union and Camden. Did very well. Heard back from RoKu about a scheduled meeting. Provided a requested blurb to Jane of BIG based on our initial interview and something I'd said and it might be used with attribution so that'll be nice. Tommy brought home Clam Chowder from Old Fisherman's Grotto in Monterery – such a great surprise, so thoughtful, knows it's my absolute favorite. Enjoyed a bowl. Spent time with Jen talking over some things since we've had limited time to be/stay connected. I'm so grateful she's so patient through all this crap and my many MANY moods and changes of direction navigating it all.

Knot pulling the plug

Started the day on the right foot: 2 great meditations, a 2m solo walk, time with Jen and Scottie talking about how precious life is and how wasteful time spent being angry is. Then I went to Panorama and the house came down all around me. Metaphorically. The condition I found things set me off. The mess on the driveway, including spray paint markings, and the crap spread all about the garage. It  hit every trigger at once. The text exchange with Tommy about it set off a massive amount of tension that culminated in what I can only categorize as a breakdown. Words were exchange, frustrations were vented and tears were shed. I think the past year's drama's warranted a good breakdown after 7 months. And it seems like we butt heads about as often, so perhaps this was just… "due". We seem to be beyond it for the moment but I also realize that some personality disorders are not likely to ever change, statistically. You'll note I'm not saying who's got one. Considered reaching back out to the marriage/family counselor I went to with his mom at one point. Toying with the idea but the hard part with that is getting him to go. And the cost. Other highlights include the toilet at Pano getting reseated and leveled.I didn't get to Linda's today but may try for a stretch of time tomorrow. I made dinner tonight for Jen and Lauren – an Indian spiced set of Chicken breasts. They didn't agree with me. I'll leave it at that. I'm on the patio with Jen while waiting to pick up Lauren. It was 91 high today, tomorrow is 81, then it drops. It might be the last night or two we get to enjoy the fire pit on warm evenings. It's been a great investment.

Sending a family heirloom to my brother as a surprise!

Highlights: Lauren got behind the wheel again, and she did fantastically! I suspect the time driving the boat at Vasona has really helped her learn to navigate spaces well. Her confidence is high and justifiably. She not only drove around the neighborhood she went on some larger streets and even down to Bagel Basket and back. I dropped her at work, visited my mom briefly, and spent the rest of the day going through my photos for scanning along with a handful of tasks being knocked off as well. It was a productive day. Lauren drove to SRC, the visit with her mom was brief but positive. I ended the night watching "Fade to Black", a documentary from Australia about right-to-die initiatives. Why this is even a question anymore is stunning. The cynic in me strongly questions the financial aspects of the industries that might be involved in blocking such rights. I'm glad California has started working to legalize this, it's something I want to weave into my own EOL plans.

Last I Heard...

Tonight Lauren said "we have a good life", and I have to agree. Of course, this was after our agreeing to drive her to get Frozen Yogurt, but it was also while Colin Hay's "Beautiful World" was playing, which is a song we often sing together. It's about the little things that make life pleasant. Coincidentally on the way there John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy" played, the standout line being "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". Lauren and I went to visit her mom tonight. I picked her up with a happy hound hotdog and a vanilla shake. I also sent Tommy $20 because I like to maintain equity between times I get one or the other food. Linda's friend Kathy V was there and our paths crossed briefly as we came in and she left. There was another encouraging moment, I gave her the cup and she was able to drink some of the vanilla shake on her own. That was pretty impressive. Overall she was a little bit less responsive than last night but she is still in the same "range" of improvement with the change in meds. More eye contact and far more responsive and present. I also suspect she's very depressed and sad, based on her expressions alone, and how she looks at me. Jennifer and I had a wonderful outing together at Martin Ranch. We picked up our shipment and I relaxed my rigid abstention and enjoyed wine tasting and then at least one + more glasses of the 2017 Sangiovese. We bought a case with the plan of gifting 1/2 of it. We brainstormed further ideas about how to work the logistics with Panorama out and also started talking about how we might work towards having a place in Sacramento as well. When we got home I was feeling the wine and crashed, hard. Like, catatonic-hard. Waking up felt like a struggling and took me several minutes. Between the weight loss and not drinking for some time I think it caught up to me. Tommy left the house this morning and we've not seen him all day. We crossed paths briefly and he's making a point of not talking to me. I'm giving him the space and avoiding further conflict. I was planning on going to Panorama tomorrow and working on some things including the garage, but I fear it'll just trigger me further. It's too familiar and reminiscent of the circumstances that drove me out in the first place. Jen pointed out that he returns home each night which she feels means he wants to be here and with us, otherwise he'd be staying at Panorama 24/7. Maybe that's true. It's back to the concept of what I can accept, and what is temporary or permanent.

The emptied bin of Chocolate Coconut Almonds

This was an interesting day. I woke up still angry about the conflicts with Tommy yesterday. The 'Daily Trip' meditation was about acceptance, and it hit a nerve regarding what defines acceptance, being something you can live with for the rest of your life. File that away for the moment. Then, I didn't press Lauren to talk on our walk, so it was silent beyond a few brief words. I don't want to gab endlessly, I want her to engage more, so we'll see where that goes. I walked back and listened to some Headspace podcasts, one focused on the "Reticular Activating System". That also hit home. Becoming more aware of things around me is something I strive to do, along with stopping my reflex action of complaining. Complaining actually reinforces negatives based on the biological and psychological impacts it has. I complain too much about things that are not within my control, or, things I have to just accept and live with. Like the conflicts with Tommy. They incense me as a mature conscious and (I believe) considerate adult, but he's not that person, not me, not there yet, and I won't have to it for much longer. As Jen said, too, when he's gone you'll miss him. That is true. I got back from my walk and settled into the workday. A while later his response to my text sent last night saying "Sorry I got upset" and thanking him for having returned and picked up the stuff was "Fuck Off" along with follow-up attacks on my actions instead of looking at his own and what got me upset in the first place. I let it go. I'm staying "out of the ring". This makes me angry at Linda This is the ramifications of my abdicating parenting decisions and being absent. Lauren once said I had to re-teach them. That's easier said than done, beyond setting better examples including not letting his actions trigger my disbelief and upset. In any event, the workday continued, and things went reasonably well. I squeezed in a lunchtime run to get the BMW cleaned. I also whipped through a series of phones calls I'd been delaying related to appointments, follow-ups, and more. It was a good day for checking off to-dos. We dropped Lauren at Yogurtland. Kim from hospice called and confirmed they were reducing her to one 6mg dose of Morphine at 8 pm, thus dropping the morning dose. Jen's friend came over to visit and I took off to give them some space. I didn't know where I was going to go and ended up deciding to go hang at SRC and observe Linda further. I'm grateful that I did. Her eyes were more open. She had not received morphine since 8 pm last night. I sent a video to the care team of her munching on the chocolate coconut almonds without my help. She dusted off the container. She is more responsive and talkative than I've seen in weeks. Still just a word or two, no full sentences, but answers the nurse and my questions far more consistently. I decided to play some Wayne Dyer for her. She was actively listening, her eyes open, no furrowed brow. At one point I asked if she was enjoying it and she nodded yes! The specific podcast episode I found, selected at random from 100's of options because it had the word "gratitude" in it, ended up being him talking about his approach to facing his own illness (Tuberculous), being focused on healthy energy, recognizing the fallacy of fears, referencing the teaching of St Francis… perfect collection in a ~20min talk. I heard her doctor in the hallway on his way out. I called him in, he talked to her, she replied, including saying "I usually see you in a coat" when he asked if she recognized him. He said she's definitely doing better. She also said "I want to talk to my sister" so we called her. She didn't get to hear as much but it was hard to coordinate one talking and the other listening. My brother texted me out of the blue as I was there and it spun into a conversation about mortality and my efforts to get trained for EOL planning facilitating. It was a really sincere and genuine exchange. I'm sending him the BIG book tomorrow and I might throw in the Neske & the Steif Bat too.