The emptied bin of Chocolate Coconut Almonds
This was an interesting day. I woke up still angry about the conflicts with Tommy yesterday. The 'Daily Trip' meditation was about acceptance, and it hit a nerve regarding what defines acceptance, being something you can live with for the rest of your life. File that away for the moment. Then, I didn't press Lauren to talk on our walk, so it was silent beyond a few brief words. I don't want to gab endlessly, I want her to engage more, so we'll see where that goes. I walked back and listened to some Headspace podcasts, one focused on the "Reticular Activating System". That also hit home. Becoming more aware of things around me is something I strive to do, along with stopping my reflex action of complaining. Complaining actually reinforces negatives based on the biological and psychological impacts it has. I complain too much about things that are not within my control, or, things I have to just accept and live with. Like the conflicts with Tommy. They incense me as a mature conscious and (I believe) considerate adult, but he's not that person, not me, not there yet, and I won't have to it for much longer. As Jen said, too, when he's gone you'll miss him. That is true. I got back from my walk and settled into the workday. A while later his response to my text sent last night saying "Sorry I got upset" and thanking him for having returned and picked up the stuff was "Fuck Off" along with follow-up attacks on my actions instead of looking at his own and what got me upset in the first place. I let it go. I'm staying "out of the ring". This makes me angry at Linda This is the ramifications of my abdicating parenting decisions and being absent. Lauren once said I had to re-teach them. That's easier said than done, beyond setting better examples including not letting his actions trigger my disbelief and upset. In any event, the workday continued, and things went reasonably well. I squeezed in a lunchtime run to get the BMW cleaned. I also whipped through a series of phones calls I'd been delaying related to appointments, follow-ups, and more. It was a good day for checking off to-dos. We dropped Lauren at Yogurtland. Kim from hospice called and confirmed they were reducing her to one 6mg dose of Morphine at 8 pm, thus dropping the morning dose. Jen's friend came over to visit and I took off to give them some space. I didn't know where I was going to go and ended up deciding to go hang at SRC and observe Linda further. I'm grateful that I did. Her eyes were more open. She had not received morphine since 8 pm last night. I sent a video to the care team of her munching on the chocolate coconut almonds without my help. She dusted off the container. She is more responsive and talkative than I've seen in weeks. Still just a word or two, no full sentences, but answers the nurse and my questions far more consistently. I decided to play some Wayne Dyer for her. She was actively listening, her eyes open, no furrowed brow. At one point I asked if she was enjoying it and she nodded yes! The specific podcast episode I found, selected at random from 100's of options because it had the word "gratitude" in it, ended up being him talking about his approach to facing his own illness (Tuberculous), being focused on healthy energy, recognizing the fallacy of fears, referencing the teaching of St Francis… perfect collection in a ~20min talk. I heard her doctor in the hallway on his way out. I called him in, he talked to her, she replied, including saying "I usually see you in a coat" when he asked if she recognized him. He said she's definitely doing better. She also said "I want to talk to my sister" so we called her. She didn't get to hear as much but it was hard to coordinate one talking and the other listening. My brother texted me out of the blue as I was there and it spun into a conversation about mortality and my efforts to get trained for EOL planning facilitating. It was a really sincere and genuine exchange. I'm sending him the BIG book tomorrow and I might throw in the Neske & the Steif Bat too.
