Prescott Niles? In Missing Persons? NFW!

Highlights: Found and ultimately lost out on tickets to "Yachtley Crew" tomorrow while looking for parking tonight for the "Lost 80's" event. Along the way a text exchange on a wide distribution list with a friend got ugly. I did my best to consider context, intention and understanding, it was unwarranted and upsetting. Other's indicated the same. Ironically it was for naught, as it fell thru went the seller wasn't able to pull them off AXS and they got bought before I had a chance to secure them. Shit happened. Moving on. Seeing Tara again was wonderful. I have always held great affection for her- she's such a genuine, good-hearted and strong individual. Like Mary, and Jennifer. The concert was great fun, although LONG, and ironically (again) I was able to get into VIP-Parking for free, which added a bit of insult and unnecessity for the mornings negative outcome. Best moment of the eveing: Dean's "Is That Stevie Nicks?" joke when "Annimotion" was on!



Highlights: Last night's bike ride did cause some issues with my neck and shoulders, but the pain meds took the edge off enough for me to achieve a decent night's sleep. It still lingers a bit today, too, but still at a lower level. I remain optimistic that I will be able to ride weekly, yet I also see a need to revisit surgical options. That's been a certainty for some time, and perhaps it's now the right time, given advances in options to retain flexibility. This morning, I took a moment to dig & and drag in the lawn border boards that had been a part of the front yard landscape we redid. I ended up installing the boarder on the patio side and will continue the others tomorrow or over the weekend. There is enough to work with until we can get the pathways laid out. That also will take a while, given the complexity of the steps required. My mom's second treatment went well. She's doing better with each successive round. 

Insights: I resumed writing today - chapter 2, and I like the foundation being developed. I maintain that this will dramatically evolve and morph over iterations, so I see nothing as permanent. Other than the fact that nothing is or will be regardless of the outcome. So why do I bother? That's a question to explore another time. I'm not in the mood to do so right now

Highlights: my "Daily Habits" are well aligned. Rising with intention and taking action on these routines has been working well for me. I dropped off the coffee to Matt B. 's house before getting my mom to her appointments. She is doing so well and that makes me grateful. I'm hoping she'll stay well into next year or maybe beyond. But it was a long day for her, with too much time between appointments spent sitting. I was distracted with my phone too much. I see myself starting to slip and not be as present as I should. I know I will eventually lose the opportunity. I dropped my car at Leigh to change and Tommy was able to activate it remotely so it was no cost. I am sure it will be cracked down on it for now it's a great opportunity to not take advantage of. The "medicare" seminar I attended did not tell me anything new but It did reveal a likely useful resource. My bike ride with Mark was good with one exception - going off a curb - It felt like it may cause some pain. I took a Gabapentin to hopefully reduce any issues and help me sleep. It was a great ride all the same. I want to get all these "Cats Tales" written and shared.

Now that the 21ˢᵗ birthday demands are behind me, I am looking at the road ahead and what I might excessively obsess about next. I have a few compulsions I could inflate and use to obscure the one critical core need of my full attention and focus-revenue. It's the next big thing. Getting back on track with my planned business is where I need to put the most time and energy for the remainder of the year. My mom's health is stable, and all indications are that she'll stay that way for at least another six to twelve months. I still plan to continue writing the book as an artistic endeavor, but I don't have any game plan to make it a livelihood. The main focus for needs to be an entity, or "zendoflife" planning and coaching. Can I make a reasonable living doing so? It seems reasonable to expect a modest one to be within reach, although it will require much more time and attention than I have been giving it.

Stimulus Response

When you stop and think about it, the only significance of turning 21 is being able to buy alcohol in the US. Beyond that, it's like any other birthday. It is not comparable to turning 18 and being an adult and a teen for two years. Yet, with all that being said, today was my twin's 21ˢᵗ birthday. I made a significant effort to celebrate it and them and to deliver on a handful of ideas and inspiration I have had since well before they crossed that line into adulthood 3 years ago. It just took until now to be able to do it well and to do it justice. It was worth the wait.

Highlights: After a wonderful day Saturday celebrating their upcoming birthday (tomorrow), Lauren returned to Sacramento. Jen and I did a divide-and-conquer effort on cleaning Panorama. A prospective buyer, Corey, test drove the BMW. Mark and I setup chairs at 2 am for the final "music in the park" events- a Bee Gee's tribute band. It was great fun. The fun moved to panorama with Mark, Kelly, Velma, Tommy, with both Olivia and Wendy dropping by too. Jen had a great evening, and opened our 2017 Bella Lena Estate Reserve. I am happy to see it being enjoyed.

Highlights: I had to head to Sacramento at 10:30. The Tesla charged 100% and used 49% to get there. I dropped Lauren at work. I had lunch with Matt. We had a passionate but peaceful debate on the concept of preventing accidents. I had dinner with he and Laura at 49's Diner. I got Lauren right after 7. I stopped in Davis for In 'n Out. It was an enjoyable and gratifying day all around.

Mindset: Peaceful. Content. Grateful.
Goals: Make the most of my day in Sacramento today.
Anticipation: The whole day ahead.
Wants: connection

Highlights: A good morning! It started with meditation, readings and podcasts that put me in the moment, present and grateful. Life is good. So much so that my wandering mind wonders what possible hardship on my horizon would be so significant that I'd need all of this positive reinforcement to endure it. Today was a great one for writing, too. I am ramping that up as I get traction with the book. I have a 'backlog' building out! I also began my renewed focus on physical fitness. Morning exercises are underway again. I hope to prevent further degradation or at least prolong it. I walked to Aqui for GNO. Over 4 miles. It felt great, and I got through a few podcasts. It was a pleasant evening lingering at Aqui with friends. I am glad I went. Bois.

Mindset: mildly melancholy. It happens. Thoughts turn to uncertainty;the transition of my kids into their own lives, my mom's leukemia, my own financial future - it can all be rather daunting individually let alone taken in in whole. Yet as timely as these things can be, today's morning meditations had an influence on relative impermanence and interconnection of life and lives. It simply is what it simply is. Does that give me solace? Yes. Does it resolve the underlying angst. Not quite. But as Lauren and I were discussing the other day, referencing a stoic quote, arguing for what is not is done just outside of reality.
Goals: Focus on some errands and home tasks.
Anticipation: Clean floors and counters courtesy of Brady Seal.
Wants: Dogs that know the difference between UPS deliveries and contract workers from evil burglars and dog-nappers.

Highlights: I was surprisingly exhausted for most of the day. I definitely want and need to start a solid exercise routine. I suspect though it was more tied to covid lingering impacts as well as a more active-then-usual day with the kids. (which I am trying to stop calling them). The photo book arrived today, and all indications are that I will have the other two in hand before Saturday. I picked up and assembled and secured the half height garage step thanks to JS's saw skills and it does seem to be working well for the aging dog. I'm officially starting to make home modifications for mobility related needs. Which circles back to my own need to stay limber.

Mindset: Apprehensive appreciation. Lauren’s down and she and Tommy and I are going to the Monterey Zoo and Fisherman’s Grotto. And I’m riding in the back. It’s a very powerful moment to recognize their independence and maturity after being in the drivers seat for two + decades. The sentimentality of it all feels richly present and profound. The apprehension is the bitter sweet release on the idea that it’s all transitory in the big scheme of time. Yet wasn’t that the case for my own father when he played catch or took me in the early Sunday mornings to pull a wagon of assorted papers to deliver to the homes in downtown Lewisburg. Transitory yet permanent. There is a duality at play as this moment too, today, might be in their own lives.

Goals: Moderation at “the Grotto”.

Anticipation: That they read this someday with joyful reminiscence.

Yesterday was a nostalgic day of transition. Lauren is visiting. She, Tommy and I went on a local road trip. Tommy drove, and I intentionally took the back seat so the two of them would have the opportunity to be together and not have her delegated to the background. We went to the Monterey Zoo, a place they had gone to with their mom shortly after the separation for and overnight stay. I had not been and although smaller than the open space of Safari West and still a place of confinement for animals, their accommodations were quite large and spacious and all of the animals seemed content, well cared for and healthy. We had lunch at the Fisherman's Grotto, reminised on many prior visits and nearby events. We went next to Loch Lomond in Scotts Valley where Tommy rented and drove a boat around (Lauren did too) to the far corners of the lake. It was topped of by getting Jennifer and enjoying a meal at Namaste. There were numerous things throughout the day that felt rewarding, as a parent, to witness. Tommy playing "the Wind "and "Your Life Is Now", being one. The thoughts Lauren voiced about her interest in Zen and her insight into the past year's changes and concerns. Feeling overall that they are both coming more and more into their own to the point that I am moving into a less prominent position feels natural. I spent moments of the day feeling and expressing gratitude to Linda for giving me the opportunity to have this experience at all. I am so glad I did, and do, get to know love in this manner.

Mindset: Calm. The bike ride last night did indeed exacerbate the herniated disc issues causing pain in my arms. It's distinctively attributable to that alone. I'm giving it a day or two to best gauge the severity before making any decisions about not riding or having a less aggressive routine. My book is evolving too; I've found another path to telling the story that feels more natural and organic. Now I have to face the task of writing amongst ongoing distractions while being completely aware of my tendencies to seek out ways to procrastinate. Because this is scary. Daunting. Challenging. A lot of very hard work.
Goals: keep writing the first draft.
Anticipation: a beautiful day.
Wants: A solid permanent and simple solution to the backyard flies.

It's hammock time. The weather is beautiful, and I have made the most of the day by setting aside technology for the most part. Although technology was responsible for a 6:40 AM jarring waking to the high-pitched shrill screeching of the smoke alarm in our bedroom. There was no smoke, no fire, and no logic behind it going off like that. Jennifer commented that "they usually just chirp", referring to how one typically knows the battery is low. Could it be that this model does not have that feature and instead goes off? As memory serves me that has not been the case in the past, so perhaps this was a fluke. The battery is low, though. And so much for the hammock- the flies are annoying the hell out of me. They are gruesomely drawn to the slight cuts and dried blood on a couple of wands gained while trimming back the oleander tree on the side of the driveway. That after running a few errands. I'm still exhausted by "the Covid," but I get satisfaction from tackling such tasks. 3515s of coffee beans arrived today. I plan to roast several pounds to send up to Leverwerth with Matt. That's not for a few more weeks; I want it to be fresh. Still... I have beans to roast and may do so tomorrow to replace what Martin gave me to hold me over. I went out on a short ride tonight, catching up with Tommy at Alta Vista and then going out to Escobar and Loma Vista where I lived for about five years in the 80's. It was as I was sharing with Tommy how my herniated discs might need surgery that a guy walking along the street overheard us and chimed in about titanium-based options for such issues. I stopped to talk to him. His name was Mark, and he shared so many of his and his brother's issues and successes with this approach. I will be looking into this. These chance encounters typically warrant my consideration and attention. I wrote and posted the story of the photo frames, and will likely be writing more this week about the photo book, the blog entry book, and 13 years of 1st days.

Framing The Past Present

I have been working for a while lately on a few parallel opportunities to fulfill a handful of ideas, dreams, and desires. Three are my own; one is their mom’s. This entry is about one of these three ideas — a set of personalized photos and frames for my kids' upcoming 21st birthday.

In April 2019, I stopped at the nearby Starbucks en route to or from Panorama. While there, I ran into Ian, our neighbor and friend, who was also stopping for coffee. I had not seen Ian for quite some time, having separated from Linda and moved out. It was good to see him. As we talked, he shared having availed himself of the fence remnants from some repair work at our house.

Highlights: A Negative Covid Test. Coffee and picture frames with JS. reMarkable replacement arrived. Volunteered to leave a Compassion & Choice event (waiting for confirmation) in September.

Insights: Doing nothing is doing something.


Mindset: Reserved. Pensive. Withdrawn. Hesitant. Apprehensive. Withdrawn.
Goals: Fast - breakthrough the current plateau.
Anticipation: Nothing. Something is up. I need to go seeking. I am off. Why?

Planting Good Seeds

I love this. It's beautiful. The entire interview is terrific, but the honest, open, tender exploration into the shared experience we are all having (11:40 in),the humanity within us, and the breadth and complexity of navigating grief is moving. What's also struck me is how commonplace such introspection is becoming. I don't recall late-night talk show hosts diving into emotions like this, nor do I recall any of the media really digging in the dirt. It wasn't done. Now it is, and now my kids are coming into their own as adults, bringing a new level of awareness and openness to things of a more intimate, if not spiritual, nature. There's hope for us after all. (But check back in with me 11/09 for a possible retraction.)

  

Mindset: Responsibly resentful. Part of my standard routine, wanting to get up early, includes the dogs being pee'd, fed 'n returned to bed. It's a role I took on willingly. Yet a dog is not prone to rationalize the nature of fatigue, and as I stir, they bounce into action with the eager unbridled expectation of repeated experience."He's up so we're getting up too". Only sometimes I don't wanna get up. And sometimes that triggers a sense of having no choice, no say, no right to attend to my own needs before theirs. Indentured servitude. And all this dovetails into a legacy sense of indignation when something done initially with the intention of kindness or an expression of love becomes expected. Intention is abandoned to the reflex of routine. Yet it's remains my own creation, my ongoing choice and within my control to refine. So who am I angry at, and why?
Goals: Order the book of selected writings on parenting. Get back on an exercise routine.

Highlights: I managed to accomplish a rather extensive list of tasks I did not intend to do today. After the morning meditation and dropping Tommy to get his Tesla from Leigh (school starts tomorrow... ugh... queue the endless caravan of minivans shuttling kids a whole 1/4 mile from home) and dropping a spare reMarkable case at Wendy's, I returned home. I proceeded to focus on NOT sitting down and NOT getting on tech. Along with the usual house-husband upkeep tasks, I roasted several distinctively unique batches of coffee to test out a profile variance. It was a potent reminder that having a consistent starting point, temperature-wise plays into reproducibility. Oh, yeah, that. There was yard raking, branch clipping, weed pulling, and even walkway light repair and resetting. Honestly, I wouldn't say I like the backyard solely because Lucky can't keep from making a mess when chasing random squirrels. The garage got a bit cleaner, laundry got folded, podcasts were enjoyed, and I even tackled the teardown of the outdoor fan to isolate and address the annoying squeaking. As for our shared COVID experience, I had more energy but felt the effects. How a banana slug found its way into my nasal cavity is beyond me. I chased down many action items, following up on in-flight tasks and action items. The remarkable team's sending me a replacement stylus for mine going on the fritz, and I've ordered a TEMU knockoff to have a fallback option. I'm coordinating with the kids on their birthday plans. Hopefully, we'll manage to have a nice meal in Sac on their actual birthday and then coordinate an outing the following weekend (Labor Day).

Insights: I'm having trouble realigning with my book-writing initiative. The kids' photo book and COVID took me off the path, yet they also revealed some plot aspects that needed to surface. I'm also getting a bit stir-crazy, yet I'm still contagious. Still, I'm tempted to flea the valley tomorrow just to get a change of scenery, take a long drive, find a place to safely linger with a book and some writing options, and realign.

Highlights: An early rise, including roasting and immediately brewing a fresh pot of Peaberry. Thank you, Martin, for saving me from resorting to store-bought. Causing the coffee maker's plastic guard piece to melt, again, and realizing it's how the issue came about before - runing with hte shield down and not having the canister in place. Duh. It's an out-of-stock $15 part that JS was able to 3D print within a short manner of time along with a reMarkable pencil holder too. Thank you Johnathon for being so responsive and helpful. Getting the upload issues resolved for the book and confirming that it's "gone to print". Covid's still lingering, surprisingly, for both of us.

Insights: Scottie's doing ok but obviously struggling a good amount, and it's resulting in a need to adapt to more caregiving. Jen was pretty out of it yesterday and I was doing things for her, too. The insight is that I'm more aware of and happy to help. A lot of this ties into my mom's circumastances and to the experience with Linda which has been stirred up quite intensely by the efforts to create the photo book. It's all a lesson in, as Sam Harris said in a podcast I was listening to today, being consious of 'the last time' you might do anything, and knowing you often don't know it will be until it was.

February '13 — Does he see the potentials?

Mindset: Cautious Optimism. "The Covid", as it's known East of the Mississippi, continues to linger in our home longer than welcome, like the friends that don't consider 11 PM the outer time window of guesttiquite, and instead, press for another cork to be pulled. Yet, it is slowly working towards the door, and hopefully, by tomorrow, I'll see one less red line on the test strip. Then, I can return to my usual routine. Only I'm not sure I will. This week has resulted in a bit of a reset for me. I'm surveying the lands, so to speak. I'm rethinking some things: ideas, ideals, intentions, intuitions, all those "i" words. Time spent immersed in creating the photo book for the kids brought some refined insight (there's another one of those pesky "i" words), as did time spent returning to numerous relevant posts over the years. I'm considering having them printed as an adjacent booklet for them. I was tempted to merge them into the photo book, but that time window has passed. I've canceled and reordered it three times already while working out the logic behind having "1st day of school" photos not aligning with my recollection of the timelines until realizing there were 13, requiring a deft workaround to get them all on that final page. And the posts might offset the balance I strived for in the photos. If I had another week, maybe I'd rework it, but I don't, and I'm OK with that. Perfect is the enemy of the good, I'm told.
Goals: Work on the blog post booklet and see how it turns out. Also, work on the "1st Days" booklet. It should be something isolated, with attribution to Linda and Tom Chlebon.
Anticipation: I will complete those two tasks today so I can get the hell out of the swirling and engulfing tech vortex and get back to writing.
Wants: To apply what I've experienced into more action than just recursively ruminating and writing about that alone, ad nauseam.

Mindset: Humbled. So THIS is what a headache feels like? Ah. I see. I thought I had an industrial strength rusted iron c-clamp being relentlessly tightened at the juncture of my spine and cranium. My bad.
Goals: Get through the day. They'll do for now.
Anticipation: Hoping Jen's still negative and able to attend her seminar.

Hindsights: Well, how about that? After several years of being arrogantly empowered to present myself as having escaped the inevitable, I got COVID-19. Fortunately, although there is still time to be proven wrong, my mom appears to have been spared. That's the greatest area of concern. As for my experience, it was a reminder and an eye-opener. A reminder that assertions regarding our greater consciousness and interconnection beyond this mortal coil, we're physical beings (too), and issues with our bodies can be painful. Had I not tested positive, I would have considered the experience a standard cold. Body aches, headaches, fever, runny nose, sore throat. The usual. It came on Monday night, and by Tuesday 4 am, the test results confirmed it. Allegedly. 3 days later, and I'm feeling about 80% back in business. But business shut down hard during those three days, and it proved to be a bit of a blessing in disguise. I used those three days to dive head-first into the deep end of the creativity pool in a manner I have not done for some time. I created the book for the kid's 21st birthday. I call it "2 &1@21", but not on the book itself. It's just a code name. And it's just about too late, as well. I managed to work with tech support on the order, so hopefully, It will be in hand for their actual birthday. That being said, as I am feeling on the rebound, I have a lot of catching up to do on other goals. I also managed to get out very briefly yesterday, masked and distanced, to watch Tommy deliver his internship presentation. It was awesome, and he was so clear and confident that others commented as much. I hope this continues to be his path toward a career that feeds his soul and pocketbook! Jen has flu-like symptoms but tested negative for COVID-19, so we hope it stays that way. Tomorrow is the seminar. I bought a ticket for her, and she has been looking forward to it. Scottie has started having issues with his back left leg again. He keeps hurting himself, and my efforts to explain the issues get met with a glassy-eyed stare and a cocked head with one ear up.

Insights: Getting sick reminds me again of mortality. As if I needed to be reminded. As if it’s not an obvious daily consideration at this point. When I had Guillame-Barre, it came out of nowhere, and within one week, it took me out of commission for some 3-5 months total. They told me once it was diagnosed what to expect. Now, I just had COVID-19, which was manageable too. But at some point, there may be a diagnosis that's more daunting to face. I hope it's some 20 + years away, but it is out there. So living conscious and mindful is a good way to make the best of all my time. However much that might be.

See my immune-compromised mom at 1 PM. Start feeling poorly at 8 PM. Test positive for Covid-19 at 4 AM. Lovely. Fucking lovely.

Ordinary People

One of my favorite podcasts had been “the cine-files” for many years. Their latest selection of “Ordinary People” has brought me back to it after a 3-year hiatus spent focused solely on myself and my kids. Time spent getting through and beyond their Senior year and into college as and after their mother's decline and demise due to a Stage 4 Glioblastoma brain tumor.

Before that time, I consistently listened to this, even as a patron, for a while. I don’t recall the specific episode, but they dovetailed into a personal discussion once, exploring a dysfunctional relationship that deeply resonated with my own experience going through that separation and divorce with somebody I was unable to reconcile with—until those final 13 months of her life.

Mindset: Mildly melancholy about the contention between Tommy and I last night. Although these situations seldom last, living in the present means accepting what is as what is while balancing awareness of impermanence. These instances are hard for me. I wonder if they are for him, too, what triggers him and why. It could be as simple as a learned behavior within a dysfunction environment where battles were never picked and going on the offensive became the default play for him. I worry that there's perhaps deeper issues related to self-estee. He may just simply be obstinant by nature, and nothing more. Watever the case, its saddening. In a well timed moment this morning, though, the meditation and reading this morning aligned with this experience in a way that emphasize the value, if not purpose, in my pursuing the receipt of the precepts. Aligning with others in a daily practice, being reminded to navigate in the direction of being present, kind, resolved and grateful.
Goals: finish the photo selections.
Anticipation: Making time to listen to part 2 of the cine-files podcast in "Ordinary People".



Olympic inspired tech hurdles are everywhere - going for the gold

Highlights: Having Lauren down was nice. She and her brother made a shopping run to a vitamin shop and we all went to visit my mom before dropping her at the train station. We returned home. Ten went to hang out with a friend. Tommy and I did our own things and got along well. Until he came home from the gym with a near-dead battery and wanted to run to get groceries in the Bmw. 'I assumed Safeway but he was talking about GOBM, which I winced at because I want to avoid any chance of anything happening that could delay or prevent it's sale. Although begrudgingly conceeding at first his tone and negative comments including "pick your battles" inspired me to do just that. So we're not talking for the moment. Accusations were made that I don't trust him and it's true that I think how he drives is a higher risk than how I drive. OnlyI don't drive it. Neither does Jen. We are trying to sell it. Yes, trust goes into taking an added risk we ourselves don't take, but the main reason was about not rewarding ingratitude and disrespect. Beyond that event as a test of my ability to maintain stoic composure and perspective, it was a productive day, with hopefully another to follow, tomorrow.

Mindset: Balanced Fatigue. Apparently consuming an after-dinner cup cf coffee can causes sleep issues due to something called caffeine. Who knew? And why haven't they told restaurants by now? Jeez. Beyond that my outlook for the day is general optimism that the morning will be Lauren centric with a visit to my mom and her grandma. Fortunately it's a single stop. The PM may provide a return to focus on the photo book phase II - final selections. I guess I oughta check on production lead times at this point, as I see the word "RUSH" on the horizon and I'm not geddy about the idea of missing the due date. ;-)
Goals: get 50% through the final photos pass after returning Lauren into Amtrak's arms.
Anticipation: Ōshin's Dharma talk. I'd take Lauren but it's cutting too close to make her train.
Wants: to support my kids individuality and choices fully.

The camera adds 20. I swear. Ugh.

Highlights: In the realm of "Love Languages; if you're aware of such things, mine is of service, as is Jennifers. We work well together and today being her birthday was an opportunity to express mine for her through action. "House-husband was on duty and the end result was a pleasant day with both kids. Dinner at Palermo was perfect. An evening at home was, too, until Scottie to an unexpected leap from my lap from the bar-height dining room chairs and landed poorly. After all of our efforts and he's gradual recovery, we're back to limping. Hopefully it's only a temporary setback. We bailed on the Paso trip in order to ensure he was safe, and yet had we not done so he'd not have been able to leap from my lap. What an excellent example of how you can never assume an action will have the desired outcome. Lauren and I got a last-minute mountain drive in.

Insights: A few moments today, including the dog's leap and injury, proved to be good opportunities to direct my idention to being less reactive. My mom having messed up the medication tracking sheet was another one. I managed them all in a far more graceful manor than any unchecked got reflex would have..

This morning, reclining on the outdoor sofa feels cinematically perfect. Golden sunlight is scattering past the shade of the tall trees, highlighting the -50 ft tall pine in the distant corner. 67 degrees feels ideal, along with a subtle constant breeze from my left provoking the goosebumps to anticipate rising, while not. A few small passing clouds accent the pristine clear blue sky above. A mourning dove's distinctive sound echoes recursively. This is an enriching way to start each day.

Goals: I am behind on a few things. Time critical ones again, but today isJennifer's Birthday. All other tasks are secondary. Lauren will be down at noon and we have dinner plans tonight. The rest of the day will be casual yet attentively focused 

Anticipation: Seeing Jennifer hopefully realize how much she means to all of us. 

Wants: The conviction, confidence and rigid resolve to embrace and act on a lifestyle change for the positive.

Mindset: certain of uncertainty. Jennifer's company is doing a massive round of layoffs. It's unclear whether she will be impacted. It may complicate our financials if so. But it is what it is, and knowing that, from the moment the possibility was raised, was validating and gratifying. The efforts put into mindfulness and meditation, accepting impermanence, and recognizing what is beyond my control, came into play. I've written about this all over the course of the last year or longer, so I won't believe the point in greater depth at this stage. We'll just see what happens. Then we will do whatever we need to .
Goals: To not drink at a cocktail party of a desert or sorrow, more people.
Anticipation: being at Jikoji.
Wants: to go unnoticed by the mosquitoes at Jikoji.

Highlights: Meditation, dolly return, varnish & propane hose search, coffee with JS (the frames are just what I hoped for), mom's treatment, materials drop to franks a grocery run (french toast casserole), GNO and more. 

Insights: I do so much in a day worth recognizing as rewarding. As living.

At last nights music event down town, the announcer refereed an upcoming public park event — a puppet show — as being "kid-friendly". I lamented my frustrations to Marc. That was unnecessary. Redundant. There's no need to imply that a fucking puppet show is inherently for kids. That is, unless it's a "fucking puppet" show. 🤣

Mindset: Reticently renewed. Each month begins with a set of curated reminders (as does each day) of tasks habits and goals. Each month sees a fragment of them maintained or accomplished at its end. Are they too loftly or an I too lazy and distracted? Yes to both.
Goals: As is attempted each day, rinse, lather, reset, and realign.
Anticipation: GNO
Wants: Thst my neck issues, if made worse by biking, require reduced frequently and not complete abstaince.