Along with the previously mentioned photo frames, I created an extensive hard-cover photo book showcasing their life, a soft-cover book of 29 selected writings between 2006 and 2023, and a booklet and laminated page showcasing the 13 years of first days of school. (The final image, their senior year, was taken by me and posted on her Facebook timeline as she'd done previously. Because at that time, she was already moving into hospice.)
Doing this over the past weeks and months has been more complex than expected. It has required revisiting our family history, reflecting on turning points and the roads taken there, on loss, anger, guilt, regret, and mostly angst surrounding how best intentions fell short.
It never crossed my mind that she would not live to see them graduate, let alone make it to this point, where they are both well on their independent ways. It makes me sad that she is not here to enjoy them and that our forgiveness and acceptance came at such a price.
I hold the memory of her constantly balanced at the tipping point of conscious thought and subconscious recollection. Yet Lauren and Tommy have both voiced gratitude and love for the family we built through and after her death all the way into this past year.
What we've created will be of support throughout their lives and ours as Jen and I gradually move into our next chapter. The love that went into these gifts is something I hope they look back on frequently, with an increasingly more significant understanding of how precious every moment has been and is.