Sisters in a passing moment

A wide range of feelings and introspection has filled my day. The circumstances surrounding Lauren's car have left me feeling resentment and despair at the lack of humanity and integrity in the insurance industry. The curmudgeon in me does not consider it necessary or even appropriate that I attend the funeral today of someone I did not know at all. Yet, Jennifer wants me there, so I go for her. 2 hours at a catholic service, I dislike "ritual for the sake of ritual. For one obsessed with mortality, I don't seem to embrace the "production" and theatrics of its condemnation. I will say with a good degree of satisfaction that Jennifer, although more sensitive, seems to share perspectives with me as well as humorous observations. One theme resonated: outside of the faith and ritual aspects I see the universal core potential of humanity to care more about the whole than the individual. But then I encounter an insurance claim or someone’s unyielding political stance masquerading as an opinion. It seems my mom may be on a downward turn, but it's too early to call it anything more than something to keep an eye on. Jen and I enjoyed a relatively low-key evening. I watched "Man on the Run", the new Paul McCartney documentary and found it enjoyable and informative, as well as nostalgic. I picked up a new, unused Tesla mattress on CL. I am stuck on the idea of car camping in Yosemite. I will be testing it out tonight in the driveway to see what adaptations may be necessary before going on a road trip just because I can. Walking through the house tonight with a pillow and a comforter in hand, Jen laughed and said I remind her of a toddler camping in a tent in the backyard. It kinda feels that way! I will report back tomorrow on whether I make it through the night or get spooked by the sound of what might be a bear or a monster.

⚖️ 171.4(-1.3) ❤️59(53-98) 👣 3,954/1.8mi

Today reminded me of many similar day that, at their end, felt amazingly full and fulfilling. On many past occasions I have written about how many unique moments can occur in one day. I think the key is awareness, something that increases when you end each night trying to recall all of the thoughts you had, the people you engaged with, the routine tasks accomplished (as if any are) or the emotions you wrestled or embraced. I went to do some initial research at the coin-show, met a couple of interesting and helpful guys (Rob and Kurt), got some seasoned wisdom and insight then walked away with a new game plan. Jen attended a somatic workshop while I ran a few errands and visited mom again, who passed along the costume jewelry for Jen. I spent the evening making more parm crisps and juicing about 30 some lemons that had been dropped at our house by one of her friends It took awhile to figure out who. Sadly, my friend Mark's sister passed away this morning, but his presence and the experience seems to have been one filled with gratitude for all.

⚖️ 171.6(-1) ❤️63(62-109) 👣 8,390/3.8mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

Tommy did not come home last night. Concern arises every time, even with a history of not communicating. And history repeated itself once more. He was at Stanford all night. Allegedly. Jen's plans for her day shifted so she was able to come with me to check out the "coin collectors" event at the DoubleTree in the Proneyard. I went in skeptical and left informed, yet still skeptical. Ultimately, it's a traveling pawn shop of sorts, and my having done due diligence beforehand gave me a good standing when it came to the value of gold and silver. I sold two items at what I consider a very good price. And over 3x the initial offer, which was where all my recent efforts paid off. Tomorrow is the big event, taking mom's collection to a "real" event -a bi-monthly buy & sell gathering of some 30 or so dealers. I hope to do well again by being informed, knowing, and having well-cataloged all of her inventory. Jen made a chicken salad that we took to my mom's. They had a wonderful time going through her costume jewelry, discussing each piece and its history. Lindsey gets first dibs, but Mom expects that she will have little interest.  State Farm wants to total the PT for a fender/radiator replacement, but she made it clear she would not accept that, so the option of a sum to go towards repairs was agreed to. Insurance is an evil business. I don't recall it being so decades ago, but it, like many things, seems to have traded ethics and humanity for a higher profit margin. Along those lines, I cancelled my life insurance. I know I'm tempting fate, but as I told the support rep on the call this morning, the diminishing returns past 65 don'twarrant it. It's a good thing to have lived long enough to feel like it's a critical necessity that has passed because I have not. I was successful in making the cheese crackers today. They came out great. I plan to make a lot more. Jen spent the evening at Cindys helping with flower arrangements for Sunday's service for her dad. Tonight, in a brief chat, Lauren said that the one thing she will be sad about when I eventually die is that the chance to make more memories will have ended. How rewarding is that?

Insights: I know I make judgments and even feel compelled to defend them at times. the baggy pants kids, bikers, homeless.... I know, too, that judgment can be undone by experience and consideration. So why not reverse it? Assume nothing but the best. conclude otherwise ownly in and when proven wrong, and even then.... is it true fair and just, or just a judgement based on my comfort?

⚖️ 171.9(-0.6) ❤️59(55-101) 👣 5,832/2.6mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: Chicken waffles and coffee on the patio. Calling State Farm and getting the ball rolling on the PT return. Contacted Stanford re. my mom's pain-related needs, also visited and took care of household needs. She's having a hard time again. Tried and failed a parm crisp fake 'n bake attempt, then I found the lost recipe. I will try again tomorrow. Cardz: I tied with Jen!

Insights: I feel stagnant and stalled. As one who welcomes routine and tiny habits, I feel a bit hypocritical saying that. Plus I have ample daily chaos. Still, something is missing.

⚖️ 172(-0.5) ❤️63(61-119) 👣 3,835/1.7mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)



Insights: I benefit from not only resisting the impulse to draw and release the second arrow, but by not giving into the impulse to reach for it in the first place. What's best released in its place are assumptions, judgments, or conclusions. Everything is always in a state of change, including my own understanding.

⚖️ 172.1(-0.7) ❤️67(63-111)🩸111/79 👣 7,579/3.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: Quickly turned around several Jikoji-related tasks. Received the cables needed to download files from the emates and was able to do so far more easily than I had expected. Tommy rented a Porsche and had it parked in the driveway when we returned from the gym, the door open and the keys in it. I called, and he answered, said "I can't talk right now," and hung up. So I moved it carefully to the street. He got pissed and drove off in a huff after claiming he had to put air in the tires (bullshit). This underscores and solidifies our expectation that he move out in June—the cables I ordered to connect and access files from my and Linda's eMates arrived. My success rate with these things tends to run low. An endeavor of this kind can take hours. Yet I was quite pleasantly surprised to have it work within a couple of toys. It felt quite nostalgic to spend some time using a device that, almost 30 years ago, was evolutionary for its time. I also found several of my own writing attempts and some of Linda's writing too. My evening was spent returning to the coin-valuing task, and an app I found dramatically simplified my work. I will be resuming the effort tomorrow.

Insights: I spent some time today focused on my feelings about the tasks and asks at Jikoji. I realize that my recent resentment of the level of requests is all in my ego and mind. I offered, and even directly asked, to be responsible for specific areas, and that my tools or limited knowledge make some of the work difficult or complex, so be it. I need my recognition only from myself; it was a good challenge and exercise, from both a tools-and-tech perspective and an awareness-and-presence one.

⚖️ 172.2(-0.9) ❤️62(59-120) 👣 3,385/1.5mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

Highlights: A good 3 + mile hike into Quicksilver starting at the Webb Canyon entry point. I definitely want to go further next time. Mark certainly knows a great deal of hidden gems. crashed mid-day likely due to a sequence of the hike, food, and sunshine. Jen made an awesome Mexican stew dinner for our friends Brent & Kim, who we see far too infrequently, and at least this time, we set up a follow-up plan.

Insights: what woke me was likely the dream. I remember very little beyond someone attempting to woo Jennifer away with wealth and her scoffing and waving it off as absurd. Ok, maybe there was a momentary hesitation, but my ego will attribute it to shock and not consideration. I also found myself, once awake, reflecting once more on the nature of chaos surrounding Lauren's accident. It was a minor incident that caused inconvenience and expense, but it could have been much worse. It gave me pause to reflect on Tommy's ski accident and all that went into that for weeks to follow. These things feel disruptive as they occur, as deviations from the norm, yet they really are the measure and substance of our life experiences. It could well have been that she might have totalled the cars, caused injury to herself and others, or worse. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a broad perspective when your brain is screaming "oh shit" over and over. Thus, the ongoing thread of my journal being about reinforcing perspective. "It's hard to see the picture from inside the frame".

⚖️ 172.4(-0.6) ❤️60(59-114) 👣 11,525/5.7mi (🥾)

The effort to get up and going isn't always easy, but it is consistently rewarding. Howes your coffee this am was great. Mark's sister Lisa may likely die this week before he and Wendy fly up on Friday. It's been anticipated, and she is apparently surrounded by her children in Washington. It's all as "good" as anything of this nature can be, and the overarching awareness and gratitude for life is the dominant tone. I shared that I had recently played my vinyl copy of "Hotel California" this past week, and that it has come to resonate with her sister for me because of the oft-repeated story of her introduction to it at their home, poolside in the summer of '79. This is the sort of impact and awareness that seems to resonate and carry forward in the lives of others. The Daily Stoic entry for today reflected on accepting that our hope, desires and wishes may bring disappointment when they are not achieved. Perhaps the value of gratitude lies in experiences as transitory moments, not as constants. So with that in mind, as I sat at my mom's and Lauren called to convey that she had just gotten into a car accident, I felt a great gratitude to have answered, to be someone she could count on, and to talk her through the necessary steps to coordinate with the other party. With a leaking radiator and limited time she was able to get the car to her home under a mile away. She managed it all so well. I could not be more proud, and grateful that nobody was hurt.

⚖️ 172.7(-0.4) ❤️60(56-121) 👣 3,571/1.6mi (🏋️‍♂️)

I recognized and called myself out today on having an attitude of scarcity, and not abundance. All of my attention going into the perceived need to avoid losing a $97 credit on Southwest by forcing a trip to nowhere I wanted to go at a cost of more money needed to get there and do things felt somewhat insane. If there really were some reasonable justification, maybe it would be worth leveraging, but there simply is not. The term "sunk cost" comes to mind as does a recognition of all of the ways we have managed to manage our living expenses without an income beyond my social security. As our day began I pushed myself and Jen to get up and out. We walked the creek trail from oak meadow to LGRC and back, enjoying a cup of coffee and a good conversation around our aspirations and outlooks for the moment. We later enjoyed an impromptu dinner with friends at home. Life is good.

"By not quite accepting things that are so, because they don't please us, we spend our entire lives making meaningless gestures somewhere next door to reality." -Nan Shin

⚖️ 172.6(-0.9) ❤️57(45-105) 👣 9,473/4.2mi (🥾 🏃‍♂️)

⚖️ 172.5(-1.8) ❤️59(58-99)🩸100/72 👣 8,305/3.7mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

This was a rainy day spent at home, mostly. At the outset I had a good time getting caught up in a new podcast find-"Stevie Nix" is a UK music critic that has lots of episodes on favorite artists and albums, which dovetailed nicely off of my vinyl spins the day prior. And yes one of the albums played did include" Rainy Days and Mondays". And yes I did feel down, too, but more on that later. Of course I also found myself on a ladder clearning gutters in the rain. No matter how much I plan and prep it seems inevitable. in an almost comforting manner. I felt inspired by Jen's efforts today to thin out some clothes and did the same, aggressively. I set aside almost half of the shoes and T-shirts I own because they are never worn and not really wanted. It feels great. I still have double what I would consider necessary. Then I turned my attention back onto the garage and someof my own additional clutter. Like the two emates, for example. Why are they even here? I do not and will not ever use them again. I wiped mine and cleared them both and took photos to post them and other similar tidbits and clutter on eBay in the hope of getting a fair and reasonable price while also getting it into the hands of someone who wants it more than me.

Insight. I did feel moody yesterday, and today, too. I feel affected by a wide range of emotions triggered by friends, travel constraints, and not knowing what the year ahead may hold for us. I feel very aware of the passage of time and the knowledge that all that I really enjoy and appreciate is fleeting and subject to change. I also found that Linda's emate had some personal entries that helped me reinfore wanting to portray he with accuracy and empathy and humanity in the book. These are a treasure to find as have been others I have dug up. I'll be doing some more excavating tomorrow.

⚖️ 172.8(-1.5) ❤️61(60-119) 👣 5,931/2.7mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

Last night, while listening to the falling rain and crashing waves outside the beachfront home we had the opportunity to stay at, reflecting momentarily on the past 8+ years we have shared, I said to Jen, "We have experienced SO much." To which she immediately replied, "Yes, and we need to experience more". Not meaning that it's not been 'enough' but that she wants it to continue, too. She gets it and shares my appreciation. Maybe there is no greater purpose in life than this, and no greater gift.

⚖️ 173.1(-1) ❤️61(60-117) 👣 6,633/3mi (🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: I'm sitting in the living room of a home on Scenic Drive, Carmel, literally at the water's edge, across the street from crashing surf 30ft away, and crashing waves against the rocks at Point Lobos on the opposite side of Carmel bay. Our friends from Minnesota have rented this house and invited us to visit and stay for a few days. In order to manage Lucky, Jen stayed with them last night while I returned home in the evening. The traffic coming down and returning yesterday was quite a challenge due to the Pebble Beach Pro AM golf tournament happening in parallel. We could see the tents from the end of the street and the house from some of the aerial shots of the golf course. We had a great meal and time together before I left. I returned early this morning after being home with the dog overnight and taking him for a walk this morning. The weather has been windy, and rain arrived this evening. We're both staying tonight because Tommy offered to watch the dog. If we have to drive in rain and wind, I would prefer we do so in the daylight. I am so grateful to be here. It's such a gift to have an opportunity to spend time connecting with friends. Jen and I finished Steve's 2nd book on the way down Saturday, within minutes of arriving. I still had tears in my eyes, and we had all sorts of questions and praise to share. The weather kept me from going to Point Lobos, one of my favorite places down here, but the pause and stall in constant movement is enjoyable, as was watching the tournament and a few of the Olympic games. Who knew curling could be so exciting?! Oh, right, Karen. It's been a great couple of days, and we'll return tomorrow.

Insights: I was thinking a lot last night about what Diana said regarding owning a house and how, eventually, it's just a house. It's just stuff, and the aspects of what we experience in our lives are equally transitory, and relinquishing a hold on a possession can afford you the opportunity to experience more, see more, do more, and contribute more to the life you're living. I really appreciated that and echoes a lot of what I know and believe and yet at the same time there's a part of me that's just so attached to the house in panorama yet there's also been times where I've been more than ready to let it go and this was a good reminder that it may well be on the near term horizon to release my hold on that. And as I've written before, to close the cover on that volume of the chronicles of the life I'm living and that my kids are living, maybe renting it is also an option. I think the passive income would be really worthwhile, but for the time being, we'll stay. I'll take care of my mom, our financial planning and strategies, and do what we need to make sure everything is accounted for to the best of our limited foresight.

⚖️ 173(-1.2) ❤️59(55-102) 👣 7,779/3.6mi 

Finally returned to my maximum

Highlights: I rode along with Jennifer to Roseville today, thanks in a big part to Lindsey being available to take my mom to her chemo appointment. We used the time on the way up and back to read "The Sons of Sally Horn" before seeing Steve and Diana tomorrow. I read, she drove and listened. The details surrounding the struggles and hardships of the early 1900's make me grateful to have had the good fortune of being raised as I was, yet I also feel "soft" and spoiled. The stories bring to mind my own family history and all of the photos and letters in my cousin's possession. They are filled with similar drama and struggles. I spent time at the Antique Trove while she attendedher luncheon. With Steve's book in mind, wandering through that shop and seeing a massive range of dated and historical items filled me with a sense of awe, respect and a bit of sadness too. Everything in their was once someone's possession. So much "stuff" owned, used, in many cases likely loved and treasured, and eventually orphaned, abandoned, sold or donated to be one of likely millions of knick-knacks, trinkets, jewelry or decor, all separated from their personal history and backstories. Historical significance dies in apathy and ignorance. I feel bad for Steve to be facing a hearing loss issue in his left ear. The 50% loss alone would be bad enough, but to have the added presence of a sporadic high-pitched "Scream" would seem unbearable. And it appears to have no known root cause that can be mitigated or managed. He made a poignant observation regarding the limitations of medical science, noting that there is a reason it's called a "practice". 

Insights: We all face struggles. We all choose our response.

⚖️ 173.5(-0.3) ❤️66(63-120) 👣 6,989/3.2mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

 

Scottie's absence continues to haunt me. The absurdly peaceful way in which he died gives way to an emptiness and longing to have his companionship back. To lift him up beside me once again, where he would nestle between my hip and the couch cushion.Repeating our morning routine of gentle waking play, his being carried to the backyard as a ritual born from his age compromise joint issues only to be followed by his sprinting into the kitchen by way of the half step I built to accommodate that same limitation, spinning effortlessly in anticipation of his breakfast. My subsequent returning him up to rest against Jen beneath the warm covers of the bed we three shared. There would have been no better way to have had him die than how he did, while some many far more traumatic deaths could have occurred. We gave him a loving home, and he in return made the home loving, bringing us more joy and comfort than I knew possible. Why does it hurt so much, even though I saw it coming, anticipated it and accepted it as a given? How can I stay connected to all that is and was positive about the 6+ years we had and move forward with immense gratitude balanced against this heartache and grief? And, most importantly, how do I inte­grate this experience into my life, into my relationships with others, and into my ability to navigate what could be another 2 or 3 decades of recursively experiencing the loss of others far more significant than a pet might be in comparison. Assuming of course that I myself am not the basis for an empty chair and glasses raised in a toast to the irony behind all my ruminations.

⚖️ 173.9(+0.4) ❤️61(59-110) 👣 5,201/2.4mi

Highlights: My frustrations last night with the. reservation system carried into my morning as I wrestled with the "why" behind that festering resentment. It related to responsibility, expectations and ultimately, acceptance. Jen pointed out that this was not bringing me "Joy". I noted that if I had only one year to live, I would remain attached to the philosophies, but would drop the admin and web stuff. So I am going to do that. ASAP. It was helpful to discuss it with her. She is an awesome partner (plus, her new haircut really looks cute on her :-). The Synergy Energy appointment narrowed the thermostat power issue to a potentially faulty component. It got reset, and if the issue returns, I have a follow-up option. The guy was a pleasure and was interested in the coffee roasting underway, so I sent him home with a ½ lb to try. I returned to reading Steve's book while Jen was at a friend's. I was enjoying it and being inspired by it, too. 

Insight: Isn't it amazing to recognize that so much has been written throughout our human history, from so many varied perspectives and periods, about the human experience? Just consider religion and philosophy alone… centuries of people's thoughts and experiences, feelings and challenges, wishes and desires, joy and grief, all these disparate and distinct perspectives from so many points of view. It makes me feel like it's nothing new, while wholly unique.

⚖️ 174.3(+1.2) ❤️61(60-120)🩸105/75 👣 4,941/2.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Morning sky at Almaden Meadows Park

I love the space I have by the window to sit each morning. It's so peaceful. I have wanted to build a bench seat there since moving back and may eventually do so. In the meantime, the purple French chairs work well for my meditation needs. Jen asked me, as I was writing that last sentence, without any idea I was doing so, if I "like living here". My immediate and heartfelt response was "I Love It". She was listening to a YouTube speaker talking about the "vibrations "of places and people. The "vibe" of our home, for me, is of being rewarded for my hard work, sacrifice, and integrity. I don't know that I will be able to stay here for the rest of my life; I anticipate a change will come, and if/when it does, the release of this space will be a significant life transition. I only hope it comes as a choice, and not by necessity.

⚖️ 174.3(+1) ❤️61(59-122) 👣 4,043/1.9mi (🧘‍♂️)

Highlights: LMNT Chocolate, hot, with cream, made for a comforting change of routine with my morning water and electrolyte consumption. I plan to try making my own powder blend soon. I cleared away the tools and covered the furniture in preparation for the rains this week. The deck effort will resume once that's passed. Our return to "gentle yoga" at the Y this morning broke what may have been over a month of absence and I definitely felt it. I need to make it a priority to go at least once a week, as it has been beneficial to do the balance and stretching exercises. Mom's appointment went smoothly and re­latively quickly. Her metrics look good, as usual. They are going to get some others involved in her pain management needs. Jen returned with me to the Y for strength training. I bumped up all my weights by 10lbs each. I was glad she returned, this stuff is almost mandatory at our age. This was a full but well balanced day.

Insights: It still strikes me as noteable how so many times I come to a place of seeking wisdom, insight and understanding, I am given it within a short period of time through a seemingly coincidental event; a passage in a book hitting squarely on that point, a song lyric, a passing exchange on observation witnessed or overheard. I used to put this into the same bucket as seeing more white Tesla's after buying or considering buying one. But maybe there's more to it. That whole "Law of Attraction" thing, or that you become what you think about, perhaps, is in play. Or maybe it's the unconscious act of following a path you self-author. Whatever the source, it remains notable to me as, well, being noteworthy.

⚖️ 174.1(+0.4) ❤️63(59-115) 👣 7,404/3.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🙆‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

Highlights: A pleasant morning with Jen. Campbell farmer's market with Tommy. Conflicts arose later between us and his desire to make a cabinet out of the built in shelves in his room. The entitlement was more of an issue than the idea, as was the attitude. I felt good about managing it well and without going on the attack over the attack. That's a big win for me and I felt all the issues were his creation. I'm sure he would disagree but hopefully not after his frontal cortex finishes developing. I got some further prep work for the deck addressed including meeting a curious and approachable lizard. Rain on the horizon will actualy fall right in line with my leveling needs and the delivery schedule for the suports, so I am pleased with the weather forcast and the time it allows me to be staged and ready to act when it subsides. I snagged a perfect sleeping pad of CL on Linda Ave in LG for my car camping aspirations. I'm thinking i'll try it out at home this week.

Insights: I read something interesting this morning that got me thinking. It might seem like an unempathetic stance to take, but how is validating another's complaints in any way helpful? Isn't it reinforcing that some universal injustice has occurred, instead of putting the focus on the acceptance of circumstances beyond our control, like them or not? Which is healthier? which is true?

⚖️ 174.2(+0.3) ❤️63(60-117) 👣 7,286/3.3mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: The tools sale I found posted on craigslist a few days ago turned out to be business equipment of the husband of a friend of Brenda C's who recently passed away. Brenda reached out to Mark about it. I went with him and was able to pickup several things that will be useful for the deck build. I ordered the supports and will start the prep work next week.

⚖️ 174.1(0) ❤️63(60-112) 👣 6,657/3mi (🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: Walking to LG cafe through decades of my personal history to meet Brian for breakfast. Hanging out with Jonathan at Peets in the afternoon. Taking the VTA Light Rail downtown and hearing some cool jazz and mesmerizing opera. Jen spent the evening at Cindy's with their family and needed a ride home which I happily provided even though I don't like being around people who've been drinking alot, which makes me uncomfortable, I'm glad she knows when to not drive.

Insights: Today's "Daily Buddhist" passage directly hit a key aspiration. Complete full conscious acceptance of and even full embracement of impermanence. Not just logically, but emotionally. Aggressively. It's difficult to do. I have passing moments of fleeting awareness, yet ongoing reflex apprehension to making it a truly constant state of mind. Plus I can be a buzzkill for folks drinking. It's all connected.

Highlights: Quicksilver hike with Jen including finding a new unknown path. Getting up and out can be so very gratifying. So can a morning of meditation and reading. This has been a good balanced week. I plan to keep it up. More time went into the deck planning, including a stop at home depot to review some options. I think I have my final concept nailed down (pun intended) with the one exception being the orientation of the boards.

⚖️ 173.5(-1) ❤️59(57-110) 👣 10,158/4.4mi (🥾)

Highlights: Howes your coffee inspired my further research and planning for the deck effort at Pano. Successfully setting up "tailscale" and enabling easier ways to help my mom when tech support is needed. Meeting Anu and her mother (mom's neighbors) with Jen. Bev and Jess stopping by to pickup coffee after her birthday dinner (even though Jess refused to look at a coffee table book I tried to hand him. The nerve of that guy. I guess JS has been right all these years, he can be a bit of a dick.) Finishing the Mel Brooks documentary.

⚖️ 173.1(-1.7) ❤️62(59-138) 👣 9,148/4.1mi (🏃‍♂️)

I returned home today, a few hours behind Tommy. My night was sleepless, even though all was restful until bed. I should have eaten the melatonin gummy Tommy gave me. I initially considered staying another night, hiking to Vernal Falls in Yosemite, and catching the sunset from there. Wawona Tunnel, then return to Rush Creek for another spa visit and stay at the hotel or camp onsite, or even consider doing so in the valley. But I was, and am still, tired; the return would have been ~4 hrs at night, and, to coin an inside joke, I just wanted to be home with my wife and my dog. So I returned, and I am glad I did. Jen and I will go on March 18, a new moon night, and hopefully it will be good weather. Tommy got a 24hr loan of a used Rivian from a dealer-they are good salesmen. I am not getting involved; it's up to him how to approach such temptations at 22.

⚖️ 173.3(-1.8) ❤️68(66-114) 👣 4,107/1.8mi (🏋️‍♂️)

Today is our sixth wedding anniversary, yet there are no expectations for either of us. It's just a date on the calendar, really, because we recognize and celebrate each other throughout the year, when it's organic and natural, not because an alert 7 days prior ensures we perform as expected. Meh. I'll take an impromptu expression of love or a recognition of value over a date-based obligatory act any day. These past few days at Rush Creek have me more conscious of how I want to spend my time. I am flirting once more with the "Bullet Journal" again and I am committing to using it through February. It's old-school and thus may help reduce my impulse-based gathering of tasks unlikely to happen or worse, distract. I am enjoying that Tommy is peeling off to do his own thing this trip as well as doing things together. It feels healthy and balanced. I have been able to read, write, hike, and relax while he goes to pursue his independent interests, yet we still managed to spend 40% of the time together. My solo hike to Carlon Falls was 3.8 miles with a relatively smooth trail although there were two or three steep rock-step ascents to traverse. It pushed my muscles to perform, and fortunately they did. I was a bit hesitant about hiking alone in a place off-season, with no knowledge of the path, terrain, or if the local bear and mountain lion populations hunt mid-day for solo hikers. I will say with great certainty that had one tried to take me down one of those steeper sections, I would have been easy pickings. My walking stick was on hand all the while, if not to defend myself from attack, at least to scrawl "HELF" into the sand of the closest clearing. Tommy returned from Yosemite and we went to their spa together. I profess to not be a "sauna" guy, but it was awesome. The sauna, aromatherapy steam room, sensory (meditation) room, heated stone lounges, heated tile floor, cool mist/cold shower/hot shower room, thick solid wood chaise lounges with dense cushions, a jacuzzi with an immersive waterfall seat, the tranquil smells and sounds, I am sold. It's a great way to unwind and relax. I expect to sleep well.

⚖️ 173.7(-1.3) ❤️60(59-136) 👣 11,262/6.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🥾)

…then, suddenly, that very next morning …

Highlight Real

I wonder on occasion if the moment that my life truly feels balanced, when existence seems to be in full alignment with the universe, where the joy not only offsets any and all pain and suffering, but any and all pain and suffering can be seen as joy too, might only occur at the moment preceding the last breath I take. As if solving this ultimate puzzle concludes the experience itself. Game over = you move on, immediately, to the next round, in whatever realm of existence that may be.

If that abstract concept might have any basis in reality, there have been a few moments when I felt on the brink of that level of awareness. Today was one of them. 

I learned yesterday from Lindsey about Marlene's dying. A parallel poignancy arose in two moments. Just a few minutes beforehand I had paused on a hike beside a fallen burnt tree. They have been a symbol of impermanence for me for years now following that Colorado "trip" and my recognition of myself as the same physical properties of all my surroundings, on my way to decay just like the burnt out tree. I have a small piece I took from it beside me as I write this. Then there was my reading of "the Daily Buddhist" entry for yesterday - "In sleep, each breath departs and is again drawn in; How wondrous that we wake up living still!". Our connections to one another can recognize these moments as aligned, while our logic considers them coincide. At a minimum they're both.