Creatures of Habit

Creatures of Habit
Hidden Brain

With the new year close at hand, we revisit our 2019 conversation with psychologist Wendy Wood, who shares what researchers have found about how to build good habits — and break bad ones.

Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000546269429

I listened twice so far and will likely return again. It falls along the same lines as Atomic Habits. This echoed my own historical and current experiences in regards to "stacking" or"threading" habits, public accountability, mindful awareness ("that's my kids ice cream, not mine"), making environmental changes to support your success and leveraging upheaval as an opportunity to change and adopt habits (this year, Linda's cancer, and my getting aggressive about and succeeding at multiple changes).

Highlight(s): Jen came with us yesterday when Lauren and I walked Abby and Lucy, and she'll come again today, too. I enjoyed the added company and like that it's a graduated exposure to the neighborhood, too. I think it's awkward for her. How can it not be? I found and started going through a long-forgotten stash of shirts under Tommy's bed. I sorted out the 'keepers' and those to donate. I'm obsessing a bit in a minimalist manner over what's enough and what's excessive. Like the gift Jen gave me of clothes when I already have too much as it is. I went to see Linda yesterday evening. I fed her dinner and talked to her. She replied most of the time, and although she's moderately better than yesterday, it's still brutal to sit and see her so compromised. Walking out the door and leaving her there feels almost cruel. 

Accomplishment(s): I rolled out the whole "Kanban" stuff at work. Found and fixed an issue that will likely make it all the more successful.

Gratitude: Listening to Daily Calm meditation hit home as far as gratitudes go. It was an excellent reflection at the end of a year living through love and loss. To have been here to experience them in the first place is a gift. That puts it all into perspective.

Goal(s): I'm going to make some habit changes right away this weekend to carve out more time for high-priority things, including writing and connections. I wrestle greatly with "how and when," given that my time is spent working, responding to, and addressing the needs and desires of others before and after work, and I want my evenings back to form and maintain connections. Maybe I'll return to a brief recap journal at EOD and start with a more in-depth exploration each day. TBD.

Anticipation: Revisiting Linda to say HNY. Dinner with Jen and Lauren. Vertellis, captured, to end the year.

Health: Weight: 160 (↓)

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

Highlight(s): Continuing to take Lauren to walk Abby and Lucy 2x/day yesterday and today. I also set about testing the outlets in the garage, only to be thwarted by the meter I left there eight years ago having a corroded battery and, yep, no replacements on hand. EVERY battery besides a 9vt is on hand and in ample supply. Just not a 9vt to be found. Lauren came with me to Total Wine to use up a gift card. I'm not too fond of gift cards; they're a PITA to the recipient. But we found sodas and other goodies, including non-alcoholic Margarita mix, which Lauren added to the cart. She used her mini-mixer to make one when we got home, starting with crushed ice. It worked well. Tommy helped yesterday putting the All-In-One gym into place. I ordered lights for the garage and exterior and lined up the electrician for Monday. The kids and I took Aqui to SRC to see Linda today. She looked worse than she had been. Even Tommy referenced it tonight in a text from Tahoe. Her pah has been so sporadic it's hard to read anything into one instance, yet it does make me want to go again tomorrow and compare and see if there's a trend. It's getting to all of us, watching this play out. It's just brutal. Lauren and Jen went to the movies, and I missed cards again. I'm going to need to see if we can move to Tuesday or Thursday. I had a few hours to myself, so I patched the wall, played music, showered/shaved, and updated some of my estate documents to account for the recent change in ownership of the Panorama house. 

Accomplishment(s): I made good progress on migrating the sprint boards to Kanban. I'll be reviewing with them in the morning.

Gratitude: Tommy riding to Tahoe with Eric and Karl and making it safely and in good time, too, considering all the storms.

Goal(s): My next 'atomic habit' will be changing my evening routines to get more sleep, and that means I'll also have to create a habit for writing that's not at the end of the night.

Anticipation: Hoping to put in a focused workday in tomorrow, and time allowing, swap door locks at Panorama.

Health: Weight: 162.6 (↓)

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

more?

Sometimes there simply are NO ulterior motives beyond kindness.

I got up and got going on my day on time, allowing Lauren to sleep in a bit later than our usual departure for school since that's off the table for the next week+. But dog sitting isn't. It was raining and windy, so instead of walking them, we nudged that out and hit LGCafe for some ham steaks n eggs. I love that place. It's been a staple throughout my life longer than most any other place I can think of, and consistently. I will admit that I didn't do shit for work today. I failed in that regard, so I will press twice as hard tomorrow and dig in and focus. What I did do, though, was rewarding. We were allowed back in to see Linda. I was livid that Tommy parked in the no parking space between the handicapped spaces. Whatever makes him think that is ok in any way is beyond me. I can see wincing through the logic that it's less likely to be needed at, say, Sharks Ice, but a medical care facility? Come on. We clashed about it when Lauren and I got in, but it was all set aside when we got into her room and got to spend time together. She was as she has been, no significant apparent change, but the kids and, particularly this time, Tommy, were very loving to her. So much so that he responded to her, saying that she wanted a burger by getting her one. And then, he fed it to her, bite after messy bite. I was and am moved by this. With all of the history and conflict in their past, this showed a degree of compassion I know he has within him. Even though he somehow feels he has got a right to treat me like shit for reasons I'll likely never understand or deserve, at least he's had a chance for redemption, and she wasn't just gone the next day without that closure. Later in the afternoon, Lauren and I walked Abby and Lucy, returned to Matson, Jen and Lauren got some snacks, and watched "Spiderman Homecoming" before going to the new one Wednesday. I'm not a big fan, but it was entertaining all the same. I am ending the day by starting "To Kill A Mockingbird" with Jen. Hopefully. I'm up writing and fear she's fallen asleep waiting for me.

Highlights: This was the first Christmas I've spent with the kids, all day, in 8 years. The reason sucks, and does the quarantine that's preventing them from seeing their mom or her seeing them until next week. This is the closest I've come yet to understanding how people who lost loved ones during lockdown, prevented from seeing them, might have felt. And I said 'closest' which is still a good distance from that awful situation. But with us the kids were, and it was a pleasant relaxing day. It was rewarding in many ways to have them at home and feeling at home with us. We had lots of gifts to exchange and I helped Jen polish the antique silver and set the table with wonderful antique plates we have inherited and are 100% in agreement about using. Fuck that bullshit about having something nice stored away and used once a year if even ever. We want to use and enjoy what we have while we have it and while we can enjoy it. I made a mulled wine with clove and cinnamon and enjoyed it, along with the 2017 Nebbiolo served with short ribs, brussel sprouts with bacon and garlic, and mashed potatoes. I'd made a flourless chocolate hazelnut tort for desert on a last minute whim and it turned out better than any prior attempt. I brought my mom over for the afternoon and returned her in the evening. The kids both seemed to have sincerely enjoyed her presence and company, too. Today I grimaced momentarily as I got on the scale, well aware of how much just one day of indulging might set my weight loss efforts back. And it did. But it's ok, I'm back on with a vengeance to reach and maintain a healthy balance going forward, and this is all a part of that balancing act. I got up early today as a part of maintaining the routine. Lauren's dog-sitting and we will be going over daily for the next 10 days to walk dogs at Panorama which more than makes up for not walking to school. Jen came with us this am and walked with us as Lucy and Abby pretty much stopped to poop at least 6 times. It was hard to comprehend where the hell it all came from. It was a good walk but cold. I'll have to wear gloves tomorrow. I started getting a few things put away in the garage at Matson yet I also found and quickly picked up 3 really impressive artificial trees a neighbor was giving away on CL. We figured we'd use one for inside and the others for lawn decoration at Panorama. We're going to try and get the street aligned with lawn trees like Willow Glen does. The price was right and as much as we love the smell of a real tree, it's a trade off for economics, convenience and avoiding the routine death of the tree and all the needles and such. I put 'em in the rafters at Pano already. I also brought home some bins to use for packing the rest of the holiday stuff. Jen and I went to see "Licorice Pizza" and I was frankly disappointed. I felt like I missed something, as I just didn't really care about the characters or what happened. Maybe my expectations were too high of PTA. It was definitely pure PTA in so many ways but again, something did not connect. I ended my night getting irritated by IOS Shortcuts and finding discrepancies in the data it pulled that was part of my routine stats script. Programming can be frustrating. I'm setting it aside for the time being since it's really a low ROI task.

Health: Weight: 164 (1d: +2.6, 7d avg: +0.06) | Avg Heart Rate: 72

My Past Is My Present

I consider myself something of a minimalist. I don't see value in hanging onto too many purpose-less items. I'm selective when keeping historical documents and photos, and physical memorabilia. But there are a few things that I have set aside and held onto for many years. This is about one of them.

One of the few artifacts of my youth has been on my mind this week. I have been internally debating taking the time to seek out and retrieve a historical document stored in one of several places, a copy of a letter I sent to a handful of select friends back in the late '80s.

Last night, I received an email from a friend and mentor who received that letter decades ago. I felt it was enough of a sign of a purpose around my desire to find that letter. After Christmas activities with the family this morning, I went into storage and started looking for it. I found it in the third and last place I looked. I wrote and printed out several copies of this in March of 1989, signing and mailing them to the recipients, as this was back before email was "a thing." Today, I OCR'd the original, cleaned up grammatical and spelling errors, and I'm reposting it here because this remains true to this day.

It's revealing to reflect on this letter 33+ years down the road as I look at many of my posts, my "living wake "aspirations, and my obsessions with embracing mortality in order to live more consciously. I still struggle with many characteristics I strived to resolve three decades ago. A short fuse, being easily frustrated, maintaining my ideal perspective. These are all things I have yet to master. Perhaps no one ever does. Maybe even the most enlightened individual is simply bluffing. But revisiting this now validates my long-held aspirations and a core value system. 

I have met and been further influenced positively by many more friends and colleagues since 1989. And their impacts are essential to recognize. I suspect and hope I've made enough efforts during the duration of these friendships to make their value known, but it can not be said enough. What I said in this letter in my late 20s remains true today. The quality of the character of my friends has influenced and inspired me to be a better person.

None of us know what amount of time we have left, and "there's no time like the present" to reinforce the value others play in our lives. And as I've become fond of saying this past year, the "present" moment is a gift.

Here, then, is that letter, shared in the spirit of recognizing how each person's life touches so many others.

If you know me well, you may know that "It's A Wonderful Life," the Frank Capra classic, is one of my favorite movies. The story is about George Bailey, a man who, when his world seems to be crumbling around him, is given a chance to see how the lives of those he knows would be if he were never born and the value he has been to them. Now we all know, especially in the times we are living in, that our lives won't often emulate a Frank Capra film, but what a glorious gift it would be to know the value you have been to someone, to see that your presence in their life has made a meaningful difference.

Studies in sociology show that the makeup of one's personality traits are basically those we have seen and learned from others. The virtue we appreciate, we to some extent appropriate". This is saying that we, as people, are a conglomerate of everything we have experienced since birth. The world around us shapes us. What we are exposed to environmentally directly affects who we are and who we become. People that have passed thru my life, and those that I have watched from a distance, have all contributed to who I am; but there is only a handful whose contributions are ones I so dearly value. Some of these people are still around me, some have gone their own directions, and some are only beginning to develop into strong relationships, but they all mean the world to me. Even those relationships that ended turbulently are valued because they are often ones that I have learned the most from. I couldn't begin to place a value on these precious people; they have given me something no one else could come close to giving me. They have given me a piece of themselves. They have helped me learn values and adventure, helped me find potential and direction, and encouraged my growth with their inspiration and support. I have laughed with these people, cried with these people, and learned with and from these people. I value these people deeply, yet I have seldom expressed my love and appreciation for their contribution to my life until now. If you are reading this, it is because you are one of them. 

The last two years of my life have been ones of extreme personal growth and change, and I feel I have come a great distance of a road with no end. Yet, personal expression in today's society is often awkward and uncomfortable, especially for men. We are asked to mask our feelings and emotions behind macho images. As time passes, it seems more acceptable than a man might cry during a sad movie or be elated with joy when a long-departed friend walks into an airport terminal, but the acceptance is still slow. You won't often see the man in the movie not panic and sniffle away the signs of tears as the house light rise. A hug between friends at the airport, if allowed to last more than a moment or two or not be accompanied by a patting on the back and a masculine punch to the arm, will often be questioned by a home-phobic society. There is equal discomfort when dealing with the opposite sex when showing emotions. Many people panic when the wall around them is too closely approached and quickly retreat behind a joke or a quick subject change. I should know because I all too often do so myself. As I expand my awareness and understanding of my emotions and desires in life, I find that many of my reactions are programmed ones learned thru our society, and a great deal of the time are far from how I honestly feel. They are more habitual reactions than honest expressions, like discomfort when approached by unfamiliar people or avoiding eye contact when I think someone is getting too close. What exactly is it that we tend to run from? I believe it to be the risk of being emotionally honest and exposed, therefore vulnerable, is very intimidating. But one of the most valuable lessons I have come to learn is that life lived safely is a life lived routinely and that the risks in emotional honesty are more from our imaginations than from reality, a reaction we are taught. As I make the decision to be the me I want to be, I find I am frequently running against the current. Like a salmon swimming upstream, there is incredible pressure to follow the direction of my environment; and as the salmon, I instinctively know that my survival relies upon my diligence and determination.

When my parents divorced in 1979, the communication between myself and my Father was severely damaged. He had moved to Frankfurt, Germany, and our relationship was turbulent at the time. We had not spoken for a couple of years, when) began to question many of the events and directions I had allowed my life to take and where I wanted to go. One philosophy I acquired was, "If it's not something I'll regret on my death bed, it's not worth getting upset about now." Although I still have yet to master this outlook fully, It puts a great deal of things into perspective for me. When it came to my distant relationship with my Father, I knew it would matter a great deal. When I realized this, I sat down and penned a letter to him to tell him that I did love him and wanted us to restore the contact we had lost. I had come to realize that the Father he had been to me was the best Father he knew to be and that I had to look at it as how much he had to give, not how much I expected. Had I never come to this realization, had I never taken the time to reestablish a relationship with him, had I not reached a point that I could comfortably express my love for him and the value he had in my life, his recent death would have been met with emotional devastation, filled with "I never got a chance too..." and "If only I had said...".

We always have a chance to say the things we feel and to express love and appreciation, yet we may not always be conscious that our opportunities are limited. For this reason, I want to take this moment to let you know that you have made a valuable contribution to my life and that you do matter. I don't do this for your reply, so don't feel you should. Nothing done because 'you should' is worth having done. Just know that this comes from the heart, and the next time you catch a rerun of "It's a Wonderful Life," take a moment to recall the treasures given to you by so many and to value how important you are to those whose lives you touch.

Thanks for your time,

Sincerely,

Geoff Mitchell

March 1989

 

Yes, Virginia, there is a family resemblance (spoiler - that's my brother!)

Highlight(s): Although it was a day off today, I stuck with the daily routines for the most part, including getting up early. I enjoyed a bit of quiet solo time before taking Scottie for a meandering walk. We went to Pano, took the dog with us, and spent the morning working on a few things. Jen worked on sorting books. I installed the new "smart lock" and "smart thermostat." Both went relatively smoothly, although I realized after putting it in that the lock wasn't the model that's compatible with HomeKit. I found and ordered the right one, and I'll swap it out next week. It'll be a simple swap. After returning briefly to Matson, I started a "Christmas Movie" marathon. "A Christmas Story" was interrupted with a request to drop Lauren at her friends near Pano, so I spent a bit more time there again. I had a chance to chat with Ian, which was enlightening about some conflicts between neighbors and his sharing that his brother passed away from a brain tumor years ago. We learned this afternoon that a covid "exposure" at SRC has Linda's building in lockdown. We had big plans, but they were only delayed, not canceled. We hope to be allowed back in as early as Monday. I finished the 1st movie and followed it with "Scrooge" (Alister Sim), my absolute favorite of any version of the Dickens' classic. Jen pre-made the main dish for tomorrow, and it's delicious. I can't wait. The four of us went out to drive through Willow Glen. We found hundreds of others doing the same. It was a fun casual drive, and I didn't get stressed by the parade of cars as much as I did by pedestrians wearing black at night. Yikes! We returned to find that Lucky had found and started to work through Tommy's gift bag for me with coffee and chocolate, but we got back before he got far enough to do damage. Our tree is encircled with gifts. There are even ones from the kids to each other and us. It's heartwarming to feel a healthy family dynamic in our home this holiday. I settled in and concluded my marathon with "It's a Wonderful Life." This one has been a staple throughout my entire life. From decades of watching it on TV as a child, writing a heartfelt reflection to close friends based on its premise in my twenties, diving deep into Frank Capra's catalog of work, to multiple trips to the Stanford Theater for the consistently sold-out Christmas Eve screening which remains amongst my top movie-going experiences ever.0

Accomplishment(s): Installed the door lock and thermostat as mentioned above.

Gratitude: My appreciation of sentimental, life-affirming movies.

Anticipation: Christmas morning.

Health: Weight: 162.6 (1d: 0, 7d avg: -0.09) | Steps: 6339 | Avg Heart Rate: 71

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around, he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" - Clarence,' It's A Wonderful Life.

My New Year's resolution is to not make New Year's resolutions before New Year's Day.

"Fire On High"

Highlight(s): Here I go again, reflecting on all that happens in a given day and how much can and does go on that escapes conscious recognition or memory. But it's proving to be true all the same. I routinely start the day feeling like it's, well, routine, and at the end, I'm taken aback by all that did happen in what amounts to 17 hours. I didn't walk with Lauren this morning which afforded me more time to wake gradually, consciously, and mindfully, coming out of a deep sleep, stretching a bit, lingering, and waiting to get up at my own pace and not out of concern about the clock. I tested and refined my 'shortcut' for capturing health stats, enjoying the challenge and accomplishment of capturing redundant entries and prompting me with the stats. It brings back good memories of coding. I carved some excess candle wax away from the rectangular evergreen candle so it'd burn more evenly and lit it on the shelf behind the couch. Meditation was good, focused on being as compassionate to yourself as you'd be to others. That's a massive struggle for me, and it was a timely reminder. I paused for a moment in the kitchen and reflected on the bright red lipstick on the lid of Jen's Starbucks cup from our Christmas lights outing last night. I thought about how important she is to me and how difficult it would be or even will be to ever lose her. I find it annoying that she left it in the sink and not the trash, but I also know that I'll desperately long for the same irritant should a time come where it'll never happen again. Suddenly, it's not such an irritant after all. Perspective. I went about my morning, participated in the daily standup even though half the team was off for the day. It was pouring rain this morning, and I was literally "Standing in the Rain" (in our screen-enclosed patio) listening to ELO's "Concerto for a Rainy Day," a ritual for me on such occasions. I was utterly and wonderfully immersed in the music. After the meeting ended, I went to SRC to see Linda, worked from her room, and Kelly joined me for a while as well. I talked to Janeth about the history around getting her up/out or not, and it all makes sense. It was good to sit with her and talk awhile, and she seemed to be more present and aware than usual while still not saying much. But her eyes and nods were enough to communicate understanding. I talked to her about talking more and that she had to try and work on improving her communications. She asked, "is it getting better?" and I replied, "Your speaking? Absolutely, its gotten much better," while wondering if she meant that or just her whole circumstance. It's still profoundly heartbreaking to watch her have come to this point in only ten months and to see glimpses of understanding, fear, and upset in her gaze from time to time. I left after about an hour with plans to return tomorrow with the kids for Christmas Eve. I made more calls about getting a means of transport for Monday, but that's not panning out well. I only have tomorrow to get it arranged likely. I'm considering just taking my CRV if we could get her into and out of it safely, but that's dicey at this stage. I stopped briefly at Pano to put the trash out, returned home, and resumed work. Tommy had taken off, and I sat in the back room with Jen to work together when I suddenly smelled something burning. I asked if she smelled it, and I went into the kitchen and dining room and smelled it stronger. As I turned the corner and into the living room, the smoke alarms sounded in unison with my discovery of the living room couch and wall catching fire. That candle I stupidly set where I set it was forgotten and burned through to the point of setting the wooden shelf and wall ablaze. Keeping with the earlier ELO theme, this was a "Fire on High" moment. I went into shock and action. With Jen's help, we quickly put it out. Had we not been there, the house would be gone. The dogs might have died too, horribly. I am still in shock and so angry with myself for having been reckless in where I put it and having left it alone at all. That will never happen again. The damage is only surface. The wall was singed and needs resurfacing. I'll also need to build another sofar shelf. All that matters is that nobody was hurt, and we could contain it. That shook me up, though. I'd intended to call and talk to Kathy, but I emailed her instead about the "trust" proposal she put forth. I hope to get some feedback and perhaps talk tomorrow or over the weekend. We ended our night having dinner at Dry Creek Grill with our neighbors Dom and Mary, something we've wanted to do for some time as we are all fans of the place. We took and emptied a 2017 Martin Ranch Sangiovese, and it was just perfect for our meal of Brussel Spouts, Deviled Eggs, Buratta, Cornbread, and steaks. I think I'll need to focus on some restraint tomorrow to get ready to feast again on Saturday, Christmas day.

Accomplishment(s): I guess the one thing I can point to is having responded quickly to address the mini fire, but then again, it was my fault, so I'm not sure that's a true "accomplishment."

Gratitude: Having been home and kept what could have been a more significant issue from becoming one.

Goal(s): Work tomorrow on getting more things sorted out at Panorama.

Anticipation: A Christmas visit with both kids to see their mom and carry out the "cookies for Santa" ritual.

Health:Weight: 162.6 (1d: -1.4, 1w: -2) | Steps: 6844 | Avg Heart Rate: 75

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Friendship Family

"I haven't met a bored person who isn't boring. I haven't met an interesting person who wasn't interested." – Elizabeth Gilbert

Highlight(s): Last day this week walking with Lauren. Unless, of course, I do it because I want to. I just might. My weight's been somewhat stable, but I'm still hyperfocused as I try to find that sweet spot of balance. It'll take some trial and error. I used Shortcuts to author some enhanced ways to capture and stay focused. It's a fun geek challenge to develop the correct sequence of steps and logic to manage conditional responses, variables, user feedback, statistics, and logging. I got the formal notice that the loan closed completely. I'm a bit in shock, to be honest, as it's a huge relief, and this lifts significant financial demands and concerns off of my shoulders. But at what price? At least the option to ensure it remains their home and an opportunity for our future needs are there. I took an extended lunch and ran cookies to Tabitha, Marya, and Wendy. It was great to see Tabitha in person after so long. And I gave Wendy all the remaining cookies for her various needs and use. I got further reassurance from SRC that we can coordinate getting Linda into transport and taking her to see Christmas lights. I shared this with the core care team. I also wrote the broader support thread and updated her current state and our holiday plans. Tommy had a hockey scrimmage and Extra Hours work tonight. After some steak for dinner, Jen and Lauren, and I got some hot drinks and drove around looking at Christmas lights in various neighborhoods from Almaden to Los Gatos. It was a great way to enjoy the evening and get out of the house on Lauren's evening off from work.

Accomplishment(s): Feeling a few drops of water fall from a tree branch above me and down the back of my neck while picking up in the backyard triggered an immediate response of gratitude and presence, not annoyance or irritation.

Gratitude: That we have a pleasant home to live in, something that I thought about tonight when I passed some tiny and deprecated duplexes.

Goal(s): Putting more time tomorrow into work needs than I managed to get today.

Anticipation: Visiting Linda with Kelly and hopefully securing plans for the following Monday to talk Linda to Willow Glen.

Health: Weight: 164 (1d: +1, 1w: +1.6) | Steps: 14624 | Avg Heart Rate: 72

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

Highlights: I'm trying a modest change to my AM routine. To allow time for waking, before the dogs, coffee maker, my OCD inclinations, and the usual monkey-mind distractions take me off the path; I'm staying in the bedroom to meditate. I've been walking with Lauren every morning since the school week concludes Wednesday, tomorrow, for the holiday break through the end of the year. Finals are going on, and both seem to be faring well so far. It's nothing to boast about but nothing to sigh about either. I had to run to UPS and take the POA overnight to the title company, which was annoying at first, but I quickly regained my perspective about it being a part of the routine and process. First-world-shit happens. Get over it. I also signed the contract for the crawl space barrier, and I'm now waiting for it to get scheduled. I revisited Linda, but she was sleeping most of the time, so I worked and let he sleep. I talked to Dr. Silva about an idea I've been mulling over, and after writing to the staff and inquiring further, there's a slight chance we might be able to take Linda out for a drive through Willow Glen. I have more work to do on this idea this week. I believe it would be something she would enjoy. It's always been their routine. I had called earlier in the day and gotten a 4 pm appointment for Lucky to get checked out, and the kids were right. He has an ear infection. He got some meds in the ear canal and pills to take as well. I am glad we took him, and it wasn't as costly as I feared it would be. I sorted out my mom's cookies in the evening and dropped some off to assorted nearby friends and neighbors. While walking from Richard & Stephanie's to Dom & Mary's, somebody set off a firework that exploded in the sky above as I walked between the two homes. It felt cinematic. Tomorrow I'll be running others up to the RWC area to share with some friends in that area before heading home. I'll need to keep it short. I have to balance work demands, and keeping productive and focused is essential. There is a lot on my plate to coordinate and prepare for 2022. I booked tickets for Licorice Pizza for Jen/I on Sunday as a date night, cleaned up from the cookies, set Tommy's gear back in place in the garage, and started writing this.

Accomplishment(s): I made reasonable progress today, breaking out the Kanban dashboards for Dev and product teams. There is still work to do, but it's a good start.

Gratitude: I got some positive recognition today. A potential client has questionable approaches that don't gel with the core business philosophy. I raised concerns in an exec meeting about this yesterday. Someone shared my comments with another set of people. Somebody I respect then said to me that my "position plus gender makes you a powerful voice." They feel women are still not heard and acknowledged as men might be. And that they "appreciate my being thoughtful in things like this."

Goal: Finish getting Kanban ready for ENG tasks tomorrow.

Anticipation: Spending tomorrow night with Lauren and Jen and hopefully Tommy after practice since we'll all be home at once.

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↓

Chocolate Macadamia-Nut Toffee

Highlight(s): I experienced a waking independent of any alarm, and rolled with it. I set about getting ready for brunch after feeding the dogs. Jen had set up having Jon and Cheryl over to catch up. She made a French Toast "casserole", I made a Ruben Strada. She also made bacon and sausage and I made a fresh pot of Old Soul. It was all delicious and it was nice to reconnect with them after a stretch of time focused on our other parallel endeavors. I met Tommy at Pano and we moved the "AIO" gym into the garage in advance of the rains coming Tuesday. I then dropped in on Linda at SRC. The responses remain sporadic and short and I can't really tease much out of her as far as responses go. At one point I asked how she was feeling and she said "upset". I replied that I understood. All I can do is try to find as much time as I can to be there, remind her that she is cared about, yet neither kids seem to really "get it" or have interest in investing their time into visiting while all I can do is dwell on the fact that, all differences aside, there will come a day when she'll be gone. And all differences aside, I'll regret that the only situation that seemed to lead to any kind of reconciliation and acceptance was a fatal disease. I went to Tommy's game tonight while Jen stayed at Matson. The game was fun, a good match of skills, and Tommy did well including some good distances traveling with the puck and a few good but not successful goal attempts. They won. When he got home though we fought about something as fucking simple as watching his fabrics and airing out his gear so it doesn't stick our tiny little storage space up. He nodded to me from the ice in the game and Eric commented that he thought that was an uncommon thing for a teen to do, which I took as a positive. Yet things took a negative turn and had to be argued at home. It's really wearing me down, and out, to have this on top of everything else on my plate. Jen too, I suspect, although she stays out of it mostly and would likely prefer I don't engage at all. Maybe I'll get there in another year of this.

Accomplishment(s): Continued "Big Magic" audiobook and continued really appreciating all the simple straight talk and wisdom therein.

Gratitude: That I have something really rewarding in my relationship with Jennifer.

Goal(s): PSMF tomorrow.

Anticipation: Walking with Lauren, and perhaps finishing Big Magic for the 1st round.

Habits: Mediation Gratitude Action Friendship Family Weight↑

Highlight(s): I enjoyed an early rise and some quiet time. I wrapped some of Jen's gifts and ordered one as well. I started listening to Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Big Magic" and found it highly inspirational. Jen listened to it before me and said it would be right up my alley and she was spot on. I think I'm less blocked from pursuing creative ambitions by fear than I am by time. But one could reasonably argue that the lack of time is due ot the fear of taking the risk of redirecting that time from a full-time job towards an unknown and that one would be right. Being conscious of that is a good step but being consistently conscious needs to be my next. Tommy and I got into an aggressive argument when he implied a desire to get a concealed carry permit and to keep a gun in his glove box. To protect himself. I lost it, said he'd never be allowed to live in my home if he possessed a gun, period. Jen had been listening to a Jordon Kepler episode about the topic and he spouted this as, perhaps, an attempt to get a reaction. He got one. I just have to never let my guard down and that's hard for me to do. Lauren came with me to pick up cookies from my mom. We got A LOT. We stopped at SRC to visit Linda and ended up staying through lunch with her. It's so hard to fully comprehend what's possibly going through her mind as she sits bedridden and immobile every day. It's heartbreaking and I continue to feel awful for her circumstances. Back at Matson, I set about cleaning house with Jen and getting ready for some friends to come to visit and do a wine tasting event. One of the couples had to back out so it ended up being a more casual evening just talking with Mark and Wendy for a few hours and finding as well that a $30 bottle of cabernet tastes as good as a $100 bottle. That's really no surprise, but it was fun all the same to walk through and play with "the five "S's" of tasting. See, Swirl, Smell, Sip, Savor. It was a pleasant evening and a full and rewarding day.

Accomplishment(s): I paced my consumption of wine out more than I did the other night and it helped immensely to do so.

Gratitude: I'm glad my mom's still alive and looking forward to Christmas dinner in 1 week.

Goal(s): Enjoy breakfast tomorrow then take a break from the consumption and focus on a long list of tasks waiting for my attention. 

Anticipation: A hopefully calm and peaceful afternoon and evening tomorrow. And a good walk Monday am, too.

Habits: Presence Gratitude Friendship Exercise Weight↓

>2lb tri-tip seasoned cooked in the sous vis for 2.5hrs at 135.

Highlight(s): Last night's epic dinner included a lot more drinking than I've done in some time. It slowly crept up on me. I had that overall feeling of being drunk, but not in a good way. I felt it still when I got up at 6 am and walked with Lauren. But by the end of the walk, I felt fresher again. I also learned that although it can take me a full week to lose 2lbs I can 'find it' in one meal. But OMFG what a meal. Tommy was also not feeling well last night and was putting the blame on me for not taking it more seriously, while he's been going places and doing things for the past few days instead of resting. I admitted that between his mom's extreme overreactions and my own presumptions that all's fine lies a truth only he can testify to. And that if he wanted to go back to the doctor he could. He didn't and he is feeling better tonight. He also got tested negative for covid, just in case. Today was our online holiday party at work and that was pleasant. Dinner as pictured above was delicious. Jen and I took some to Lauren during her 7 pm break. We sat in the car discussing college with her while she ate and it looks like Sacramento State might be the decision. I cleaned up the kitchen while Jen wrapped gifts and put them under the tree. Oh and I am testing out some options to mitigate Tommy's hockey gear stench in the garage and praying it works. We watch the two latest Curb episodes and I was literally laughing out loud at a couple of points.

Accomplishment(s): Coordinated the pickup of 100's of books from Panorama. The taker, Mark, was an awesome guy who's got an online book store as a sideline. He's definitely going to have some inventory to leverage and those that are not worth selling will get donated to the library. I also sold the cast iron antique mirror to Chuck, another awesome guy who Jen and I talked to for about 30min swapping stories of heritage, the bay area, and caregiving experiences.

Gratitude: I appreciate that when I make a point to connect with strangers I typically come away enriched and even with a little more faith in people in general.

Goal(s): Stay focused through the holidays on maintaining the weight loss while also making good food choices and enjoying a reasonable volume of wine.

Anticipation: Our blind wine tasting tomorrow, while still concentrated on the aforementioned "Goal", will require some discipline for sure.

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↑

Epic Annual Holiday Dinner With The Geeks

Highlight(s): I had the strangest dream wherein I went to some restaurant and stumbled across Dan and Matthew, and Confoti products being promoted. As if it was rebooted without my knowledge. I was upset, and they were dismissive. Where that came from is beyond me. I signed the refi papers, dropping the monthly mortgage significantly and easing the road ahead. Kathy opened a dialog with me about eventually managing the kid's estate-related oversight directly, which sounds reasonable, but I need to look further at the impacts. I had two more follow-up conversations with Tempo and enjoyed both. Tommy has a cold/infection that's seemingly "going around." Trager's office indicated it could be at the Bronchitis level and started him on antibiotics. But the highlight of my day was having dinner at The Basin in Saratoga with my "Band of Brothers," Jess, Brian, and Johnathon. The food was terrific. We worked through three bottles between us, dined on a round of four of the same excellent steaks ("orange whip... orange whip..."), and spent three+ hours doing what we do best. Banter. We closed the place, literally walking out with staff past chairs already set atop empty tables. I've referenced them in many prior posts. We've spent 20+ years having regular coffee, lunch, or dinner gathering, even though covid via Zoom. We've taken weekend trips to Tahoe and Monterey and been a constant presence throughout some of our greatest moments and more complex challenges. I recall missing our routines greatly during my short time living in EDH. On multiple occasions, I have referred to us as an ideal dynamic mix of just enough synergy and shared interests to have a sustainable bond while also having our perspectives, experiences, and insights that play into an ever-growing and evolving dynamic. We're like the Beatles. ("But without Yoko" -JS). I am blessed to have these three gentlemen in the inner circle I call my closest friends and expect this to last a lifetime.

Accomplishment(s): I had two very positive interviews with Tempo. That was #4 and #5 so far. Things are progressing and getting exciting. And scary.

Gratitude: Just Breathe, by Pearl Jam, coming on random playback before going out to dinner with my friends.

Goal(s): Review the legal aspects of the kid's estate ownership.

Anticipation: Sous Vis Tri-Tip tomorrow night.

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Action Friendship Family Weight↓

"Oh, I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love. Some folks just have one, yeah, others they got none." - Pearl Jam.

Highlight(s): The morning walk was pleasant and thankfully warmer than Monday's was. It's still a rewarding stretch of time to have the opportunity to connect with Lauren and get some solo time on the return. I'd like to find something like that to do with Tommy too. I wrestled with Siri on the return visit and, well, she won. It's at those times my dependency on technology feels problematic. If I didn't dictate a reminder, would I not remember? And does my habit of dictating reminders increase the likelihood that I'll just spin-off on things I'd otherwise not consider important enough to remember? And did I not go through this during my Guillaume Barre experience? I forget. Today was our quarterly board meeting which I felt went well, yet the final part where discussions went off and towards the potential of a liquidity event felt a bit like a retention play. Tommy stayed home again and was clearly not feeling well. But he did manage to play in his hockey game at SAP Pavillion, which was just awesome to watch. He played well and is improving. Lauren got accepted at her 2nd college option, Sacramento State. She's waiting to hear from San Diego next. I really like the idea of Sacramento, as she'd be closer to home, of course. When we got home Lucky had ripped into and shredded the box that two massive pastries were in, sent by Steve and Diana to Jen. One clearly survived by hiding silently beneath the one that got devoured. Pasteries have instinctual survival skills, it seems, as a sudden break for the door would have cost them their life. Lucky's a stupid dog, but a fast stupid dog. Jen and I hit GOBM and got all the grub needed for a few upcoming plans over the weekend AND Christmas too. When Tommy got home I took it upon myself to extract his stinky gear from his hockey bag and wash it. I've resigned myself to the fact that the only way I can ensure things are managed the way I want, as far as order goes, requires I do it. Maybe it'll set an example he'll follow, maybe not, but nothing else works and I need things kept in order. 

Accomplishment(s): I got wind of some possible disrespect between a colleague and a new direct report. I felt concerned immediately and reached out to her to get more insight into the exchange. I believe she sincerely felt my respect and desire to address the matter head-on and appreciated it. I'm glad she did. And it was and is sincere. I documented things and we agreed to set it aside this one time, but I'm watching closely. 

Gratitude: I'm grateful for my friendship with Nevin. He stopped to visit at the game and we got to discuss his father's aging, the challenges and rewards, and of course, music. I miss working with him and the routine banter. I'm glad we're staying in touch.

Goal(s): Maintain focus on moving the multiple balls foward at work but being 'at work' when working and not mentally elsewhere.

Anticipation: Signing off on the refinance loan tomorrow, which feels surreal and even premature in some manner, but necessary and the right move to make given the circumstances.

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↔︎

Jen snapped this - IFLTD!

Highlight(s): Tommy stayed home with a cold after skating in wet gear. I listened to meditation about recognizing awareness and intent as signs of progress in and of themselves. Lauren insisted on walking to school in the rain, so I took a plastic white garbage bag and put her backpack in it in a manner that allowed it to be worn and protected. Felt the essence of my father present as I did so. Jen's on PTO, and although she worked in the AM anyway, she lingered in the afternoon and made bread (yum). Work was in high demand again and will be for the foreseeable future. The home loan is approved, and although I'm glad, I'm removed too due to all the other distractions. I sign things Thursday AM. I washed and trimmed Scottie last night before taking him with me to pick up Jen from her Minnesota visit. Both were happy to see each other.

Accomplishment(s): Having managed Tommy's rain-soaked hockey gear situation last night, making adequate room in the garage, taking the time to work past his initial frustrations. Also, I focused tonight on and completed my slides for tomorrow's board meeting, where I'm now representing Engineering and Product.

Gratitude: Setting up and maintaining daily routines and habits towards my goals.

Goal(s): Do well at the board meeting.

Anticipation: Going to Tommy's Varsity Hockey game at "The Tank."

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Action Family Exercise Weight↔︎ 

Site of my first full time job around 1980 IIRC. "Consumers Distributing"

It has been a relaxing weekend. Jen's been in Minnesota. I had anticipated spending most of the weekend at Panorama, filling recycling bins with garbage, giving away the books, and more. I used the time instead to enjoy a slower-paced weekend than most. I'm not going to deep dive into details tonight. I just want to capture highlights, including going to my mom's Sat and Sunday with Lauren while she and Lindsey were doing their annual cookie production. I've done so well eliminating sugar, but I did try a few scraps and such. Man, they were terrific. We brought home bags of the end pieces for the kids and Jen. I went to SRC both days, Saturday alone and Sunday with Lauren. I am honestly struggling with all of the emotions involved in all of this, it can get overwhelming, and this weekend was one of those times. Simply because the 'life' she's living now is no life at all, and yet she's having to go day-by-day through what is her worst nightmare, and all we can do is try to be compassionate. Today we took her Aqui, which was pleasant, and she was status quo too. I finished BIG training Sat AM and then Sat PM I attended a holiday gathering at Mary/Wendy's. I ended up getting into a deep conversation with Bill and Nancy, and they're going to be my 'recorded session' for submission for licensing, which I will be doing. Where it goes from there is TBD. I offered Lindsey the use of Panorama for her 'own space' needs, and she will consider it. I spent the day listening to "Solid State," an audiobook about the Abbey Road recording sessions, which watching "Get Back" made me want to do. I spent my youth so deeply immersed in their music, and it's been years since I revisited in detail, so this has been enjoyable and brought something 'light' into my routine.

Habits & Routines: Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↔︎ 

I missed a couple of days. Again. I blame it on high demand in a range of other areas. Work continued to be a full-court press as I ramped up and handed off. Still much to do, but I hope December allows me to stage for volume in 2022. I finally made Sous Vis steaks for Jen as a going away meal before her Thursday morning flight (6 am? really?) to Minnesota. She was working through, well into the night, which meant packing late too. And a 4 am wakeup to get her to the airport the next day. Dropped her off. Tommy rode along. On the way back, I came up with an alternate presentation for BIG based on "planning." I wrote it Thursday throughout the day and set aside the first draft ("Time"). I had to make dog food since we were out. It was easy, but I didn't drain it and tried food-processing. Much smoother, but overall not worth the effort. While cleaning up, I sliced my left thumb open, deeply, on the food processor blade. My fault, as I was in a hurry and not paying attention. Hurt like hell. So bad last night, I had severe trouble sleeping. It was pounding and kept me up. Nothing helped. Not change positions or elevating; it just kept pounding. I checked it mid-morning today, and it's ok just healing. Oh, and while doing a quick rinse shower before the AM walk with Lauren, of course, I unintentionally slammed the thumb into the shower door handle, making it worse.  Scottie was pretty off yesterday waiting for Jen to come home (it won't be until late Monday). He was better today but still off. I took today off. The BIG part 4 was today and concludes tomorrow. I did my presentation but changed to "Time" after others more prominently focused on "Planning." I'm glad I did. I thought it went well. I could refine and improve, but for a 1st pass, I'm proud. Tabitha's last day was today. I am hoping we'll stay in touch. As for the home refinance, that seemed to be en route to wrap up next week, barring any unforeseen issues. Linda's three friends visited her together tonight, and I'll be doing so tomorrow and Sunday. I spent time with my mom, helping her out with some tech stuff. I told her that, like me, at this age, we should stop getting upset about things that getting upset about won't change. She agreed and called it good advice. I told her it was, as it was given by her to Barbara or Linda 15 years ago. And I said I don't want to risk that the last time we might ever talk could have been complaining about Comcast. She laughed. Jen called and was sending photos and such throughout the day. She's having a wonderful time. I'm so happy for her and will spend a week there as soon as we can, together, just in 'decompress' mode. I rewatched "Get Back" over the past two days, and it was greatly improved by doing so. It was good already, but now it's elevated for me.

I skipped the AM walk with Lauren, as I'm trying to balance time and demands while still getting in three walks a week. Instead of walking, after some quiet time and mediation, I started working on refining my BIG speech draft. It's getting there. That's all I'll say for the moment besides admitting that I'm struggling with keeping it clear and consistent. After the morning standup meeting I ran to the credit union, got the cashier's check, and dropped it off at the attorney's office in order to get the lien released so the refinance can move forward. All of this, in theory, could have waited until next year and been part of a default transition but the relief of a refinance with the lower interest rate is needed, and getting it all managed now will allow me to focus on higher priority needs for myself and the kids when the inevitable does come to pass. I spent the majority of the day after that in meeting after meeting. I have a lot to manage and I'm doing all I can to learn. In fact, once I finish writing this, I'll be settling into a few hours of reading notes and documentation about the stuff I'm trying to take over. I was hoping to visit Linda but the day was too packed, so I'll be going tomorrow after the day's meetings wrap up. Tried to spend some time with Tommy for just a food run but his demeanor was grouchy. He later said it's because he can't drive our BMW! Seriously? Fuck entitlement, my God. Ridiculous. As is having to argue over his 20+ min showers, leaving stuff lying out for others to clean, asking repeatedly that things "borrowed" get returned.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Action Friendship Exercise Weight↑