Highlights: it's getting darker earlier in the evening and staying dark later in the morning. The "SAD" light's setup but on mornings where I've taken Gabapentin for back issues… it's not enough. That stuff knocks me out. Not a fan, but I'm playing with dosages and options for the time being. And I need to start the PT I was supposed to have started weeks ago. I just ordered the foam roller, which will be here tomorrow, and I printed out the exercise sheet. The workday was good, active and productive. Jen made some amazing chicken with cream sauce and sun-dried tomatoes, and it's yet another favorite. This afternoon Tommy and I worked together and moved the new column fridge into the kitchen, with two aggressive anchoring steps being taken to prevent tipping, given how massive and heaving it is. I'm still getting used to the weight of the door alone and still keeping a close eye on the brackets and jacks put in place to secure it. My paranoia aside, it's incredible to have such a huge appliance with so much space. We have all our freezer needs managed in the garage now, and so far, it's not at all an inconvenience. Tommy's help was awesome. Dom came by to look at and claim the old fridge, which he'll pick up tomorrow afternoon. Lauren's doing well at school and enjoyed her political science class today. It sounds like some of the questions were answers she knew from our having seen "Hamilton" multiple times. It's great that she's doing well and adapting to the new space and routines. I'm glad, given how I've seen other friends managing their own kids retreat from or struggle with the changes going away to college introduces. I'm hoping to avoid that. Our company's website went down this evening due to a full power outage at the colo. We recovered in a few hours and have a lot to be grateful for as far as readiness goes.

I stayed up way too late last night browsing more eBay vinyl. I am heading to bed shortly to get back onto a better pattern, as I was wiped this am. In either case, I did manage to find and order what's likely the last few LPs I've been wanting. I may occasionally browse the flea markets, but I'm ready to move on to the next thing. Today's the start of Jen's sabbatical, and she's helping take on a slew of tasks that will take some load off my time, which is so appreciated. Work has been demanding, and I need to stay focused. I helped Tommy put a wrap on his car this evening. It went well but is tricky, and I think we might do it again after a couple of days. Lauren sounds like she's doing well at Sac. I'm glad she's adapting well. I miss her, but she'll be down next weekend.

The past few days have been a stretch of time spent focused on a couple of "big tasks". I was predominantly traveling to Sacramento to drop Lauren at Sac State. We all four went up Thursday to move her into her dorm room. That went relatively well, all things considered, including the chaos that is a few hundred people an hour trying to do the same thing with little or no idea exactly what to do and where to go. After getting her set up we had a wonderful meal at Zocalo, and Jen/Tommy returned to Los Gatos. I stayed in Sat through Saturday AM, crashing at my friend Matt's apartment while he was out of two at his girlfriend Laura's place in Natomas. It was a great move and allowed her and I to drive about, explore, get supplies, walk about and explore more, and partake in the "Hornet-fest" kickoff event outside of her doom. Friday was their birthday – Jen and I took Tommy to "Namaste" Indian food in LG last night, and I took Lauren to both Rick's Dessert Diner and to Gunthers in Sac for back-t0-back desserts. I found a cruiser bike for her Friday on Craigslist that was about 20m away from Sac State, so we went up early Sat am, bought it and returned it to campus for her use. Score! I returned Saturday on the 12:55 train to Santa Clara and went to a friend's dinner/wine event. Needless to say, the past week's eating has been off my routine path, so this week I'm 100% focused on getting back "into my lane," so to speak. Today she starts her classes, Tommy starts his and is already insisting he can do classes over Zoom with as much success as in person. I want only the best for him, but if this is the path he's choosing, the easy road, it'll not get him anywhere. Shortcuts don't work when the journey is how you learn. It's times like this I am filled with regret for ever capitulating to the parenting path his mom insisted on taking. It backfired massively.

Living Our Best Life Lessons

I'm on the 541 southbound from Sacramento after spending the past three days and two nights with Lauren as she starts her college years. Her home remains our home on Panorama; her room remains her room; her dog remains her dog. They're all just there, waiting for her anticipated returns over the next few years. And with such things as FaceTime, we will be able to stay in close contact and maintain the close connection I have grown to rely on as one of the most reliable aspects of my adult life. She's starting a new segment of her life, living apart yet close enough that weekend visits are just a few hour's drive or train ride away.



So why am I struggling to maintain composure from the upper deck of car one as the massive diesel engine in front of me drags me further and further away from her? Likely because the paragraph above feels like a collection of delusional rationalizations.

I don't believe anything will ever break our bond for a second. But, her life is about to take her places now that I won't be a part of it. This isn't a new phenomenon; it's been happening over the past year or more as she's become more independent. She's spent time working, going places with friends and basically "living her best life." But she was always home each night and there each morning.



I sincerely want this for her. I am excited for her to start this next phase in her life. I would not want her playing it safe by staying home and going to a community college simply because that is not what SHE wanted to do. Yes, was she staying home like Tommy is for a year or two, I would be ok with that because her presence has been a joy. But the choice she's making is one of intention. Had her mom not passed away so young, Lauren would have likely not left due to nothing more than a sense of obligation and responsibility. She's made the right choice for her, and I will defend that wholeheartedly, even though there's an emptiness her absence will leave in our home.



I held her hand the day she was born as she lay in the ICU being monitored for breathing issues. Actually, it was her tiny hand grabbing my index finger. I held her close as she screamed after awakening from her 1st eye surgery and ensured I was there when she awoke from her spine operation. I did my best to learn patience and humility throughout the years as she became more astute and intuitive. I tried to impart confidence, humor, and that singing need not be in the right key to be fun. Water parks, snow trips, Pine Mountain Lake trips, Hamilton (several times), mountain drives, and our Vegas trip only scratch the surfaces of the shared experiences I treasure. Let alone our supporting each other through her mother's diagnosis, care, and passing. I think I took way too much for granted and never paid as much attention to the passing moments as I now wish I had. She is as responsible for the man I am today as I am for the young lady she is as well. I could not be more proud. I could not be more grateful to have spent the past 19 years being her parent. I never knew I could love this deeply. I hope I live long enough to continue recognizing and appreciating every moment we have yet to share.

I'm gonna watch you shine

Gonna watch you grow

Gonna paint a sign

So you always know

As long as one and one is two

There could never be a father

Love his daughter more than I love you

"Father and Daughter" - Paul Simon

Highlights: Early AM departure to juggle an early work meeting and Lauren's dental appointment. All went well. Work was busy A.F. We went to dinner, all of us and my mom, at Aqui, kicking off the birthday celebrations and bidding a temporary farewell to Lauren. Temporary in that she's close enough that she'll often be returning. If that were not the case, I'd be a wreck. Lauren bought Tommy a West Valley hoodie and a gift card, and he was genuinely touched and grateful. We ended the night playing Farkle and Jen/Lauren played Rummikub, a ritual I will miss next week.

Monday and Tuesday were busy focused workdays. I've managed to refine the morning meetings and will continue to do so. Monday, I got word from Madrona that Linda's headstone was placed. Lauren and I went to see it. I omitted 'very' in her contribution. I felt like shit, but Lauren insisted it was okay and enough. The thought and intention are there. I can't believe I fucked that up, but it does work as it. It's just that details do matter. Jen and I enjoyed dinner at Eataly Monday night with Bev and Jess. I stopped on the way out and got Gelato for Lauren and Tommy. Today I was midway through my morning and realized my wallet was missing and searched everywhere, including the pants I'd worn last night.

I assumed it was left at the Gelato counter and believed it was lost, so I ordered a new driver's license and replacements for all of my credit cards only to find it later when checking those pants literally for the 6th time to find that the way they were folded and draped caused the wallet to clear the pocket section and hang concealed around the belt line. Of course, that's good news but canceled credit cards can't be undone, so I've got to work around the limitations for a week while waiting for new cards to arrive and go through the hoops with ApplePay, online accounts using those cards, etc. it's my fault. Still, an honestly mistaken ad, for goodness sake, Chase, allows a cancellation to be reverted. I can lock and unlock my card at will, but I can't order a new card without you virtually cutting up the old one the second I do? Gipsy Kings at Mountain Winery was great fun. The crowd was unique. Steve said he saw them decades ago and how hot the women were at that show. I said it was exactly the same decades later…. meaning the EXACT SAME WOMEN, decades later… and they've not all ages well. The crowd was interesting, and some very culturally 'mafioso' dressed guys in open shirts, goatees, chains, dinner jackets, and just a particular style that fit the genre of music. We enjoyed the music and the firepit.

Shut the Thermador! | still more additions

Highlights: I got up at five and went to Home Depot by 5.30 only to find they don't open until seven on Sundays. All good. I returned home and went back in 40min and waited a few min before going in and securing the truck. Lauren and I went to Elk Grove. We invited Tommy, but he passed on it. Once there, we decided, based on the seller's concerns and experience, not to try and transport it upright. We hauled it flat. Once back home, Tommy and Jen helped, and it's in the garage now. It'll sit unplugged until next Saturday after Lauren's move is done. We'll plug it in Saturday and let it run overnight, confirm all is functional and move it into the house. I need to get the hardware to secure it in the meantime. Lauren ran to Rasputin with me, and along with a few 'better copies' of records, I already found I snagged a couple more. We played them while I addressed some household tasks. Wendy came by to visit and ended up staying for hours, chatting with Jen and sharing a Martin Ranch Syrah. It was a pleasant evening after a pleasant day and I'm feeling positive about the week ahead. It'll be a long one but rewarding.

Three sought, nine bought | A "DeGrande" bottle purchased

Highlights: Jen came with me to the flea market this morning as I pursued crossing off the few remaining items on my list. I managed to find several on my list as well as a few additional unexpected find and a couple of replacements for lesser quality copies, including a pristine DSOTM with all the posters and stickers, as well as the Lennon and ELO, being the same with all 'extras' including the legendary "Pig" postcard. Such a nice haul. I played most, if not all, and loved the experience. I still do not believe that the sounds are better, but the experience is grounding. Lauren and I had tickets to "The Lion King," but it seemed that she was still 'suffering' from the surgery and not hot on going. So we decided not to and instead, to go for a nice drive. We cast a net, found some takers and gave the tickets to a friend and her daughter. We drove her Mini with the top down along our usual hwy-9 route. We went through La Honda and to HMB, then to the ocean and back down hwy one and up to the 'general store' at La Honda. Along with a bottle of La Honda Pinot that I've wanted to try and can only get there, we also found a "Highway 9" Tempranillo. Hwy 9 winery is run by a couple I know. Well, the wife, that is, is a colleague through Care2, and I've known her for 11 years, including hearing about their starting a winery several years ago. It's taken off, and I'm excited for them and myself to try this bottle soon, perhaps this coming Monday with friends that like Tempranillo too. Anyway, after that brief stop, we continued back down "old La Honda" to Potrero and then to 280 and home. The drive was beautiful, just breathtaking at many points. And we had the music cranked the whole time. Lauren's not taking much as she's allowing her face to heel but I think she had a far better time than we would have at the play.

…There goes the neighborhood

I started to write this am, as I've been trying to do, instead of when I'm fading at the end of the day. I need to make more time for writing more things I strongly desire to write about. But I made the mistake of seeing and whacking a mole in a work thread that just caused more to pop up, and before I knew it, 45 min had passed, and it was time for our daily scrum. I do anticipate, though, when Lauren's gone, finding more free time in the evenings. I'm starting to feel the emotions around that more and more. It's just around the corner—less than a week away. I'm wondering how it'll all play out. She holds her cards close to her chest regarding her emotions. The rest of the day was back-to-back meetings all morning. Thankfully, my 1:1 with RP got moved, and I made it to my PT appointment on time. I'm still on the fence about Kaiser's overall cost, but I liked the PT Dr and got great information and some initial exercises to do as well. She seemed to know her stuff. I returned home to find that Jen's apparent potential job loss might not be a thing after all. At least that's what she's being told. Interesting and revealing, if so, as to the nature of communication and who got her to believe this. Regardless, I think we maintain this mindset and budget for the time being just as a precaution and to build an emergency buffer back up. GNO was great. "Sauced" was good BBQ; I ordered too much and overate. Brian didn't show, but we'll hopefully see him online in two weeks. Tomorrow will be another busy work day with an ATT run to get Lauren a new SIM card for the iPhone 7 she's using in the absence of her 12 mini.

Highlights: I got up "on time" to ensure all the daily routines and needs were managed in time to take Lauren for the scheduled dental surgery, which went exceptionally well. There was some concern on the surgeon's part about addressing the work in one pass or two. They did it in one. That's fantastic news. Come late fall/early winter; the following minor step can be addressed, which will lead into the final stages of the next year. This is a big deal. It's something her mom initiated, and I initially thought Lauren was being complacent, but Lauren desired to pursue it, including doing it before starting college. This was another day when I looked at her with marvel, pride and even envy. She's a strong person, and I admire her determination. I juggled work tasks in the waiting room throughout the morning with good humor and intense focus. Meanwhile, the HVAC guys were installing the new air conditioner back at Panorama. It's all in place, and we have cool air again. I'm grateful we could address it so quickly, and I'll write another glowing review on YELP for them. Somehow, at some point along the way throughout the pre-move work in the crawlspace until today, one of the living room's vents fell out of place and into the crawlspace without our knowing. For an unknown duration, we've been pumping cool air into the crawl space and wondering why the house isn't evenly cooling. The vent was 'hat one in every house that gets buried behind and under a table and not seen or considered. Ugh. Of course, I put it back and can't precisely explain the unit dying, but I'll ask Jesse anyway, just out of curiosity. Work demands throughout the afternoon were high, if not extreme. Only so much can be reasonably expected from one person in a given day. I get a sense of anxiety from on high, something we've ridden out before, but not with ease or comfort. We'll see where this goes in the next couple of months. It's been a challenge lately to make time for some of the numerous daily to-do and routine tasks. I expect the same through next week. Once Lauren's off to school, though, I have the sad expectation that I'll have more free time than I want. Or just less noise, being the sound of her voice and her and Jen's constant chatter and laughter. Like so many things I've learned over the past couple of years, the little annoyances are actually gifts.

Highlights: Sunday? Was there a Sunday? I can't recall Sunday, but I know I was at home all day. Now that I think about it, yes, I was and was working on the Jira project views and revisions most of the day. I needed to make changes to help resolve issues with visibility and status. I took over daily scrums Monday for a few days while I work out kinks, but I think it's the correct change to make. I wanted a 'downtime' week focused on house and personal tasks but broke from that plan when Tommy suggested having Mark and family over since Vinny left for Chico, and we did. It was great except for the f'ing flies in the backyard. Flies are high up on my list of peeves. Jesse, our HVAC guy, came by and could not revive the AC unit. He'll be back today with a secondary option; if that doesn't work, we will need to replace the entire thing. Ugh. But it's the same unit that was here 20yrs ago, and at least it's lasted that long. We'll see how it plays out.

I can't sleep, so I'm up writing early. Friday was a good work day but trying, too. My lack of sleep and pain issues have had adverse effects, and man, was I in a shitty mood. I did my best to manage it as I struggled to tolerate what I felt was an encroachment on my role and responsibilities at work, but in good part, it was just my frustration, and theirs, with work and needs not being met. I'd accept full blame for the situation if it were not that even when Marya and Tabitha were working their asses off to manage needs, they also struggled. I'm working to put some better processes in place, and I'll focus on them most of today. New records arrived as expected, packed poorly and some in different condition than expected, but nothing significant. I made the call, canceled Washington, and moved my flight to go to Minnesota in September instead. I'm excited about that. I hate not going to WA and missing out on the broader group's activities, but I need downtime, and this will give me that. On a sad note, Jennifer's uncle Doug passed away between Thursday night and Friday morning. It was expected but another reminder of our mortality and aging. She shared some good reflections and stories. I'm still trying to find a way to transport the refrigerator from Elk Grove to Los Gatos without spending so much on a truck rental, labor and gas that it's not a cost-effective endeavor. Talon left early this am, but late Friday night, they encountered a bizarre situation with a drugged-up and possibly abused woman and very young daughter in the foothills of Los Gatos near the big church off Hicks. They did the right things by trying to help and by contacting the police. He also moved me to further pride by taking action to help repair/restore Wendy's car after it was vandalized. He and I may clash for many reasons, but he has a good heart. Lauren's last work day at Vasona was today. We had sweet pea for breakfast, and I took her car and fixed the loose rear-view mirror. That proved to be a 1hr+ challenge, but I got it done. My attitude today was so much better after a good night's sleep. I took the Gabapentin Friday night and slept great. I did not Saturday, and here I am up writing. Ugh. Not a fan of developing any dependency, but it's proving helpful. Jen and I had a fantastic meal at Aldo's tonight. We'll definitely return again. We drank the Peter Michael Chardonnay and found it wonderful. I'll have to let our neighbor know.

Shitty night's sleep. I didn't take Gabapentin, so it was that or the fact that I foolishly looked at work threads before bed, and my mind raced into all sorts of negative, angry places. I'm burnt out and buried. Half of it's my fault because I let things slide too long, but another aspect is the same old unrealistic expectations for volume of output with the small team and interruptions. I'm grumpy as fuck this morning. I'm writing early vs. at the end of the day as a test. I am leaning towards further 'de-tech' steps in my PM so I can fully close the laptop and put more wind-down time in my routine. Writing at the end of each day introduces a sense of pressure and spins my mind. We'll see how this goes. Lauren's last work day is today. Tommy's friend Talon is still here but leaves tomorrow. The play last night was so "meh" that we left at the intermission. I have a ticket for Lauren/I to go in two weeks, and perhaps from a different vantage point, it'll be better, but I'm not overly optimistic. I'm going to attend a couple of am meetings and then try and focus 100% on some process changes that might help resolve the issues we're facing with the status and visibility of workload and demands. I have a lot of work to do. What else? Oh, some more vinyl arrives today as does Linda's headstone at Madronia, so it's likely to be set today or tomorrow and I'll take one or both kids with me to see it happen or shortly after. It feels like another milestone in this whole experience.

"Meh"

Highlights: I actually really successfully and restfully slept last night for the first time in a while. The gabapentin and shower combo worked. I'm trying again tonight to see if this is a sustainable path but with aggressive awareness of the pitfalls of dependency. I'm also starting to wonder more about the extent of my herniated disc issues and the oddness of the arm pains being potentially unrelated. Perhaps something like carpel tunnel is going on in tandem? Whatever the case, the good sleep gave me a fresh outlook. Scottie's shots and checkup appointment went well but it did reveal need for more dental surgery. "$surgery". Ugh. Back at work I had several frank, directed and even apologetic conversations with direct treports and colleagues about how to "reboot" the Dev/Prod role to be more successful. Lots of good feedback and ideas to continue discussing. I'm optimistic and engaged, and I needed that. An excellent counseling session with Denise too. She gave me some good feedback on the dynamic of narcissism and co-depedancy and encouraged my adoption of "Radical Acceptance," which I've mentioned before. Accept that what is, isn't my fault or something I can change now, but I can recognize and release the expectations for something else to spare myself the heartache and struggle. It's clear that it's a dynamic we both play a role in, but I'm not the instigator. And on a surprise note, we scored two extra free tickets to Yacht Rock Review, which allowed us to invite Jon, Cheryl Mark and Wendy, who all fell perfectly into the theme. Lots of rock nostalgia filled the evening at the firepit. It was a fun outing.

Letter Glow

I finally made time last night to read the copies of the letters my cousin Jeri sent, those between my mom and hers (my mom's Sister) in 1980/81. They were wonderful to read. Not only did it bring back memories of times and places in my own history, but it gave me an intimate insight into my mom, her sister, and the relationship they once shared. As well as the person my mom was then too, filled with more joy and deep self-reflection and less defense and resentment that I believe came later. It helped me recall more about her simple core humanity and life experiences—what a gift, especially while she's still alive, to be reminded of that.

The "posture" pillow and the CBD backfired. The night was another difficult one. I think it's more than the physical issues; it's mental. It's the stress of Lauren leaving, Jen's job, my stalled ability to further work on the garage and house, and more. Tommy went begrudgingly to the counselor, finally, and hasn't said a word to me all day, so the silent treatment is my reward for trying to do something to get him the help I know he needs. And he and I need if we're going to have anything in the realm of a healthy relationship, but that may be decades away. Time I don't necessarily have. It's hard to imagine Lauren being gone and I'm so routinely moved by her and Jen's rapport and relationship. It's a marvel to witness, as it is still to reflect on the path that led here. I want to write all about it someday, but there's no such day on the calendar and I, for now, have lost the drive to do so. I feel like I've changed a lot in the past 2-3 years, in some ways good and others, well, less spontaneous and less optimistic. Maybe that comes with the territory. It's looking like I won't be going to Washington in September as planned, but I will roll with it. It is what it is. Last night's concert was high, today was a crashing low, but perhaps a show and a Gabapentin will make for some much-needed rest. I want to wake up feeling more positive about doing so than I did today. I miss feeling a sense of enthusiastically taking on some challenge for the day.

The "medication" era begins? | Death Cab has company - The Decemberist match artistic intensity

Highlights: It's taken exhausting effort but I'm hoping I've managed to get Tommy starting counseling tomorrow. What I fight so hard for is his future but that nothing he sees in his present. I hope this germinates for both of our benefits. My spinal trip resulted in confirming nothing significant has changed in 3yrs but the recent move and lifting caused the issues I'm facing now. Meds for pain are the most conservative starting point and I'm cool with that. Tommy's got a 'posture' pillow I'm trying tonight too along with some CBD before going down the gabapentin memory lane. The Decemberist show at Mt Winery was stunningly good. Almost tear inducing in the majesty of a set of six performers so tightly coordinated as to put forth a spectacular performance. Mind blown open to new horizons. Great time with Matt B and Jen. More to come.

"…The cynical artist sees this as evidence for an old complaint: The Masses Are Stupid. But more and more I see this kind of cynicism as a cop-out and a bore, and I can't go along with it. The fact is that people en masse can't be expected to be connoisseurs, or passionate about what I happen to be passionate about. They're not stupid: They just have different priorities."

— A Cure For Gravity: A Musical Pilgrimage by Joe Jackson

"…The cynical artist sees this as evidence for an old complaint: The Masses Are Stupid. But more and more I see this kind of cynicism as a cop-out and a bore, and I can't go along with it. The fact is that people en masse can't be expected to be connoisseurs, or passionate about what I happen to be passionate about. They're not stupid: They just have different priorities."

— A Cure For Gravity: A Musical Pilgrimage by Joe Jackson

Highlights: slept in a bit, being Sunday and all. Came close to smashing a vase against Tommy's face last night after taking crap and backtalk while trying my best to tolerate excessive dismissive and disparaging comments. I don't know what to do anymore. It's honestly a nightmare. Nobody in my life has ever treated me as awful as he does. How fucked up is that? But I want to strike out in retaliation, so I have no room to talk, and he could in return say the same about me. Anyway, Lauren went to the beach for the day with friends, and it brings back my own memories of doing the same. I'm so glad she's having these experiences. Jen and I went to my mom's to work on the hall wallpaper, but I petered out quickly. Too depressed. I wallowed at home a bit, listened to some Joe Jackson music after finishing the autobiography and accepted a spur-of-the-moment opportunity to go see Wendy and Mark. We walked. That rocked. Enjoyed the time and talking to Wendy about her father's passing. Deep stuff. Interesting too how it differs from my own experiences and from what I feel about Linda's passing. I guess each scenario is independent and individual. Paraphrasing Joe's comments in "A Cure For Gravity"…. everybody's priorities are different. Didn't say a word to Tommy today. I'm filled with anger so that's likely best. Anger and grief. They make for painful heartache.

Pain In The Neck

When did I suddenly become "old"? I didn't see the transition happening. It feels like just a week ago that I was bounding out of bed each morning, doing squats and pushups, humming while making coffee and taking long walks around the neighborhood. Then seemingly overnight, I'm struggling to sit up, enduring ongoing pain, shuffling between the bed and bathroom in the early hours of the morning hunched over like Patsy (King Arthur's coconut banging servant) in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

I'm painting a bleaker picture than necessary, but I wondered last night, while lying in relative discomfort for the umpteenth night in a row, how this all came about so quickly. And how my physical circumstances are also dramatically impacting my mental well-being (which is sketchy enough without adding in more abstract chaos.)

As the "prior fusion" C2-C3 section of my spinal image shows, I have a history of spinal nerve issues. In the early 90s, I started experiencing some odd numbness in my hands when craning my neck upwards. It became disconcerting enough that I looked into root causes and medical options. An MRI identified a "congenitally narrow spinal canal" and herniated discs. 50% of this was my own doing, as I used to enjoy "cracking my neck" and disgusting friends and colleagues with the series of audible pops generated. Occasionally, I'd take an "almost running start" to maximize the effect. After five visits to 5 specialists in various disciplines ranging from acupuncture to surgery, I went with the cutter. I'm glad I did. The moment I awoke from the surgical procedure was a blissful return to full sensation and functionality of both hands. Even though one was swollen like a balloon glove from fluids misdirected by a problematic IV insertion, it all worked out wonderfully. And I went on with my life.

Over the past five years, I've had occasional 'flare-ups,' isolated incidents like jumping off a bench and feeling a reverberating tingle and pain down my arms, for example. They happened enough that back in 2019, I returned to Stanford and visited their neurologists with an updated MRI. The one above. And yes, further issues were developing. Even without the added dramatics of self-induced wrenching, my neck was destined to have further issues. I knew it back in the '90s and had it reinforced in 2019. Sooner or later, I'll need additional surgery. They promoted the "later" under the auspice that there was no pressing (pun intended) need to take the aggressive step of fusing the problematic discs yet, that barring the very unlikely misfortune of an accident causing further damage, it would be better to live a 'normal' life while I can because the next level of surgical options was and will significantly restrict my heads mobility. Turning left and right, looking up and down, will be far more constrained and restricted.

I'm ok with that. I'm 61, and I'm still alive. I have stayed predominately healthy, as have most of my friends and peers. But Linda's death at 61 and a friend having had a heart attack put things in perspective. Health scares are only going to continue to be on the rise within my demographic. The fact that I might have to endure some limitations in my heads movement is a small price to pay for the opportunity to continue living an otherwise healthy and happy life. 

New addition - a simple corn-husk doll made by my mom | Jen's childhood "scary song" is finally identified.

Highlights of the past few days: Punted GNO Thurs PM after really restless night and lack of sleep. Spontaneous last-min appetizers with Dom and Mary Friday night – a much-needed outing for Jen. Flea Market with Lauren AM = Dreamboat Annie, A nice clean Teaser & the Firecat, ELO's Face The Music, Mike's Murder, and a handful of others just for fun. We (3) ran to a few appliance shops and got some further ideas on next steps for fridge and cooktop. We went to my mom's and worked on stripping wallpaper. It'll take a few more trips and passes but it's underway. Did well on PSMF day as part of my maintenance effort for August.

Goal: Get some proactive stuff done for work and take it easy on my neck. Even just stripping wallpaper causes issues.

Anticipation: Finishing "A Cure for Gravity"

Gratitude: Had a nice brief fun text exchange with my brother as we stripped wallpaper.

⚖️: 168 (0) (7d avg: 167.06) | 👣: 7870 | ❤️: 60 | 🧘: ?

Highlights: A couple of decent work days, including a 1:1 lunch with the HR consultant Tuesday. It was a good meeting, and I felt positive about my role/contributions, which was refreshing. I have had issues managing the range of demands, but I'm refining some things and delegating others. My sleep has been problematic, really difficult, so tonight, I'll be trying some medicinal options. I need it for the time being, but not as a crutch. I have also started gaining weight due to wine and carbs creeping into my routine more frequently. Tomorrow starts the aggressive push back to ≤160, and I'm confident I will be there by September. I got this. Today was Jen's birthday, I made sous vide steaks and veggies, and we enjoyed a nice meal and patio time with Lauren. I started rethinking, again, how much 'Vinyl' I want to get further than what I have, if even that. I don't play it often enough, but it's still fun. I'm going to play it by ear (pun intended). Tommy's friend Talon is in town and staying with us for a few days.

Highlights: The photo above was taken after Tommy, on his own accord and without direction or prompting, walked past me and out with the full garbage, dumped it, and returned to put a new bag in the inside canister. I was stunned and expressed sincere gratitude. My work day was good - focused and productive. Jen's found and started applying for some positions internally and externally too. My neck issues flared back up after the work on the dirt in the side alley, so last night's sleep was terrible. I also am experiencing more pain when lifting anything upwards, particularly in my right arm. Each day's healing is 1%, and aggravation sets me back 10% or more. My evening went south when, while trying to make room in our tiny refrigerator, I found a 6-pack of pre-made margaritas that Tommy had stuck in the back out of sight. I removed them and asked him about them. He claimed they were "a friends" and that he brought them home to keep them for him. We collectively told him he could not have them back because he was underage, and as parents, we would not agree to give them back so he could return them to his underaged friend. I opened and dumped them out. He physically accosted me to try and take them away. We wrestled over the box until I tripped him, and they fell and broke. He left us to clean up the mess of broken glass and spilled alcohol, Jen and I in bare feet, and two dogs running amok. It was a messed-up move. No parent should face fighting with their "adult" son, especially over something like this. How that's his priority over having a home and family is beyond me, but after a short-lived stretch of optimism and trust, I'm back to expecting conflict and contention. I'm preparing for the drama when I refuse to live like that. He's failed to follow through on counseling, and if he does not within the next two weeks, all bets are off.