(Tommy's dry aging setup)

I actually made headway on my Jikoji focus I was blocked by access issues though. I enjoyed a nice walk and talk with Jonathan, an event I'll reference going forward as simply "Java.js". I realized I not only stop and smell the roses but I also slow and squeeze the rosemary and lavender when I encounter it, which is frequent. I spent about 40 min doing parental tech support which I felt good about given that I started off annoyed but pivoted to being kind and even grateful for the opportunity to help. That'll end someday so I want to appreciate the opportunity while I have it. I had a brief text exchange with a friend whose apparently dealing with some family health issues and I expressed my availability to be of service or support.

Mindset: pensive. I seem to have several "in flight" planes circling and waiting to land, and I'm the pilot on all of them.
Goals: focus on the Checkfront aspects of Jikoji. Identify and address any top priority needs. "That which is most important to you cannot be left at the mercy of all that which matters least."
Anticipation: completion! (of something)

Highlights: Best of intentions gave way to the best of intentions and I took the morning / early afternoon off task to go to Point Lobos with Tommy. I drove his Tesla down. I love that experience, it's such a magnificent piece of engineering. One of our home-base birds wanted in too but…. Point Lobos was wonderful and I felt a strong appreciation for and connection to the nature all around. I've been blown away since the first time I went there with the geeks many years ago and have returned many times since. Lunch of course was clam chowder at Fisherman's Grotto. Yet another place I've been going to for decades, all the way back to my earliest driving days in my teens with Matt and Holly for, you guessed it, clam chowder. It was a good use of the day but I'll be doubling down tomorrow on the BIG training and workshop agenda.

Mindset: Reminiscent. Jen reminded me this am that it was just over 1 year ago that we moved into Panorama house permanently. It's hard to believe it's only been one year, it feels like several. I'm glad to have this journal to reflect back on, it's filled with nuance and remembrances. I started the day with the new routine and so far it's working well for me. It helps me orient my perspective and align my day's goals to do so.
Goals: I will complete my EOL workshop outline today. Everything else will be secondary.
Anticipation: It's gonna be hot today and for the next few days… it'll be 80º by 1pm!
5 Wants: To start making money doing EOL related work by October. To find a way to have more 'runway' to get my business going beyond EOY. To stay connected to what matters (what I have and time I'm afforded) and keep a balanced perspective throughout it all. To let success be the result of trusting intention over invention.

Highlights: I came in 2nd place in cardzmania tonight, just two points shy of Sheila. SO close! Played evening catch with Lucky - such a fun play-dog. Enjoyed PM outdoors. Saw a June bug for the first time this year. It's still June so I guess it's expected? Hoping it's not "the start" of the usual swarm for a few weeks.
Accomplishments: Jen and I FINALLY moved ~50 bottles of wine out of our bedroom closet and into the crawlspace for storage. (We have twice as many in the wine fridge and pantry. These are all ones that need to sit awhile. I'm going to keep a close eye on the temp there for awhile though because, you know, wine.)
Gratitude: The fact that I started cranky and turned it around quickly. It's hard sometimes to not 'trigger' the default network.

Mindset: Curious. I found myself feeling discouraged with my weight loss progress this am, and fell into that hole with a sense of futility and frustration. What I know from experience is that it takes a full aggressive conscious ongoing effort and discipline to succeed. What doesn't? Like I am choosing to do with my pursuit of a new career option, I have to reduce the distractions and maintain my focus and awareness.

Goals: Follow up on options outside of Cobra for EDD qualification. Use my new working hours breakdown to focus on BIGS progress and the outline for my 1D workshop plans.

Anticipation: Ending the day on track and successful with my work/diet/consciousness efforts.

5 Wants: Physical health, constant awareness of my good fortune, comfort with what I can control vs what simply is, to write and post daily on what is now going to be 'stozentao', and to stay balanced in action without overload and dilution.

Highlights: A nice morning walk with Jen followed by a quick run to buy a vase and take flowers to Charlotte. We ended up visiting for about an hour. It was really rewarding to do so. Jen used my mom's air-fryer to make chicken wings which were delicious. Tommy spent the evening doing "meal prep" for the week which was a first. I helped when asked and stayed out of it otherwise.

Accomplishments: I followed through on my morning plans to reset my daily routine and schedule. This will help me focus aggressively on making progress towards my goals. I registered a couple domains and started setting up the website to post to hopefully as soon as next week if not sooner.

Gratitude: Chatting with Eric F is always motivating and inspirational. I'm considering looking into paths to be more involved in the work he's doing when it becomes more available in this area.

I slept in and that felt good and bad at the same time. Why? Because I realize I am not getting up and doing nothing, which it feels like all I have been doing. Another way of looking at it came to me at jikoji yesterday. I'm trying to install guardrails along a path that only unfolds as I step forward. I'm dragging my feet. I need to just jump, leap of faith, without guardrails. I need to run, not walk, ahead. So today I will release all of the distractions, pick a core routine, spread out the reminders and motivations. By the end of the day today I will clear the distractions and obstacles I myself have erected. I feel invigorated to take action. I'll publish my new routine tonight.

Highlights: AM trek to Jikoji with French Toast Casserole. Noticed a dear [6 point buck] on hillside and thought about my recent "buck stops" post when about 2 min later one darted across the road about a car length ahead of me. THEN during Zazen a pair were outside the window eating leaves. Lots of dear sightings and reminders tied to impermanence. I need to pay more attention. The drive up was a reminder. The breakfast was a hit. The morning was pleasant as always. I am grateful to have this place and community to connect to. Trimmed more of Lucky's haircut to smooth it out. We sous vide steaks for dinner and I took Jen back up to Jikoji to see turkey babies but they were not out. It was still a pleasant way to spend our evening together.

Highlights: Calm low-key day. Dropped Lauren at the train after a stop for coffee at Voyager which we enjoyed and which Jen/I lingered at afterwards. Took lucky for haircut - not at happy with it as I was with Scotties 'cause some stuff wasn't done to my expectations but it's fine, I've done some touchup. Tackled some of the "vector" checklist and will continue this week.

Mindset: restless sleep. Mind racing. Routine thrown but also tied to a stall in my confidence and faith. Taking Lauren to early train.

Goals: return to moms to inspect water line issues. Clear stacks of docs and paperwork.

Anticipation: find a place to sit and write.

5 Wants: a sustaining income. A deck on the pack square. A less chaotic and challenging relationship with my son. More resolution to my inner despair over his distain for me. More focus on one or two key things.

> Highlights:AM run to get tire puncture isolated and patched. $30 and 15 min later and we're on our way. Costco run with Tommy and Lauren resulted in tensions with Tommy that pretty much 'broke me' for the day, in the realm of just not giving a fuck any more. I don't have room in my life for drama. Fioli run with Jen and Lauren was pleasant. Visited my mom. Jen made a wonderful meal for us all.

Where The Buck Stops

I met with Marlin this week to touch base, check in, and enjoy a nice cup of coffee and conversation. Marlin's become something of a mentor - A former boss and developing friend who's had some of their own struggles with medical scenarios and mortality. Our conversations are mostly surface but often dip briefly into matter-of-fact references to the impermanence of life, albeit from a removed place of perceived longevity and not the more significant position of imminent passing. At least not to either of our knowledge, anyway. But anything can happen at any time.

 Last week, something did.

Mindset: Inspired. Something of a spark of creative flow is rising. Up early without effort. I feel like I need to continue to refine schedules and plans and daily structure to reinforce time for writing. Lauren is visiting us again through Sun am.

Goals: Continue writing. Fix BMW tire (hopefully patchable). Filoli visit. Ruby visit too. Chill PM dinner at Pano. Skipbo.

Anticipation: Filoli should be beautiful and there's a nature trail there I've wanted to check out.

5 Wants: Write the "one good book that's in me". Maintain a sense of calm connection throughout the chaos of daily distractions. Build a deck. Get back to 170. Make a living using my calling… "doing my work" for work.

I witnessed something poignant and beautiful today. My mom's 16yr old cat, Hutch, had reached the end of his life and had been suffering from a terminal illness for a while. I accompanied her to the vet, operated by a family friend of ours, for his euthanasia. It felt right. It felt like a merciful, compassionate step to relieve their suffering and allow them to exit this life with ease and a release of love and honor. As the doctor gave the injection and Hutch's body relaxed as he passed away, there was a sense of relief and release to the experience. I was moved and grateful to be there for my mom and also be present for the cat who'd lived a good full life. My personal philosophy is that everything, and I do mean everything, is impermanent, and everything is energy down to thought or even the molecular structure of the physical presence. I felt good to witness this transition, believing that there's always something left behind from the emotional and spiritual aspects that never truly dies but caries forward in fragments and particles. Lauren called and made plans to come down 'spur of the moment', arriving right after or movie plans. We went to see "Asteroid City," tonight, the new Wes Anderson film. Our path/plans were modestly delayed due to what appears to be a continuous leak in the left rear time that required inflation and oversight. I loved it but was lost in many ways, which is my usual first experience lately with many films. And in particular, his. I also know from experience that a second viewing allows me to focus even more on his/their unique and poetically stunning sets, cinematography and, in this case, more than any prior, the dialog. It was a non-stop homage to the mid-50s era of dramatic theater writing and production. There's more going on here, though. Something more introspective, I believe. I'll see it again for sure. We picked up Lauren, and she and Tommy went to Chick-fil-a and returned in time for us to … go to bed. 10 pm. This routine is working, and I want to keep it up. I feel a clearing writer's roadblock on the horizon, and I want to lean into it. For once. More.

Dear Vox Cookie worker: In innocent mistake, I'm sure, but I said "decaf". The large cappuccino you made me was extra strength as evidenced by my inability to sleep until 3am and the massive bowel moment during the midpoint of my restless night. TMI? My lesson is to watch and ensure and yours can simply be to view a decaf request as a medical scenario akin to peanut allergies and we'll have a much better experience.

Mindset: I'm heading into the day with fragmented sleep and a bit of uncertainty as to what lies ahead. Goals: I'm on day 3 of the cold shower routine and, science or placebo, it's pretty interesting to feel a slight difference in my focus and energy. We'll see how the day goes but I'm not making too many promises beyond a commitment to following through with BIG clarification of course track and revisiting the Total Control course outcomes to reinforce my/our plans for august. I need to start setting milestone goals.

Anticipation: Taking my mom a/Hutch to be put down. I'm trying to correlate her feelings with those I'd have/will have when I'm faced with the same for Scottie but I'm also trying to be stoic and rational about how fortunate we are to have the option to ease suffering of our pets. Too bad we don't support that better for humanity. My other anticipation is Asteroid City with Jen tonight.

5 Wants: Write and publish the story of myself, Jen, Linda, Kids. Make a living doing something that satisfies my soul. Build a deck in the back yard. Improved my skills at recognizing and accepting "what is". Create a routine that fosters continued contact and enriching times with friends and family.

Coffee with Marlin was great. He shared a story about his recent motorcycle trip and a friend hitting a deer and being significantly injured. He survived but it's a powerful reminder that we can't always assume we'll make it home. Shit happens all the time. It's simply the chaos that is nature, and we are as subject to it as any and everything else is. I got lots of great input from the county "vector" control guy at Pano about mitigation of both rodents and mosquitos. I have some refinements to make. I hate to imagine anything has 'gotten into' the attic or crawlspace but it's always a possibility so I have to be proactive. I made a last min decision to walk to GNO dinner. 4.11 miles. It took me 1hr, 17min. I was able to listen to a great podcast and it was a rewarding move. I hope to start taking more long walks for all the various benefits (sun, space, exercise, endorphins, etc.). GNO was great - all four of us enjoyed the usual banter and exchanges. I'm always grateful to have the time to stay connected.

Highlights: Had a wonderful time seeing Lauren and walking 8 miles around/about Sacramento. The train ride allowed me to get some other things managed going up and to rest going back. Today was that full day at home I've been wanting and I enjoyed it immensely.
Accomplishments: Knocked off more EOL training tasks. Replaced Jen's broken screen protector, ordered parts to repair some blinds, and spent a longer chunk of time than expected polishing up the next Jikoji newsletter.
Gratitude: My niece Marissa. She is one of the core reasons I became a parent. We'll always have a shared bond through energy exchanged as we both grew. I'm coordinating catching up on a call later this week.

Mindset: positive. Sleep well. The ~8hr/night effort feels good. Tried the cold-shower dopamine routine this am. Brrrrr. But I'll see how it affects things over time. I'm also revising the am routine/habits to incorporate that new step as well as quickly getting up/out to walk the dogs so the entire AM is open for interruption free focus on the rest of the practices/habiits. I felt connected to our walk this am in a good way. The Holmberg house has a dumpster in front of it. I still want to grab the Adirondack chairs before they're tossed. I might leave a note, will see. It'll be interesting and somewhat cathartic to witness but it also hits a nerve of sadness at the scenario and circumstances. Been there to a lesser degree but still, personal experience can color perception of others experiences too when perhaps it's their path and ultimately a good one for them.

Goals: Stay home, focus on EOL plan work and high priority tasks.

Anticipation: A calm day and that "AirBNB" sense of presence and gratitude.

5 Wants: To write a lot more daily and publish it all. To feel secure in the unknown. To weight 160 again. To exercise daily. To dramatically reduce the ongoing distractions I feel I in great part introduce.

Mindset: I'm at Starbucks at the Santa Clara transit station. I am waiting for the 853 to Sacramento! I'm looking forward to spending some time focused on personal tasks on the ride up and back and then an afternoon with my daughter. Tommy's mad at me because I wouldn't let him hop over the fence last night after he shared a plan to go with a friend and TP their house OK. Be mad at me. It's an expensive fence and shared property and not OK. It's not like I told you you couldn't go pretend you're still 14. Just don't hop my fence. Big ask, I know. I hope to get a lot today I will have about six hours on the train to focus.

Goals: continue the before I go training after tackling any, and all of the top priority tasks for the morning.

Anticipation: midtown!

5 Wants: To remember that there's only now and the future will be whatever it is so relax and enjoy now. To stay "byron" about what is. To be publishing and be read by over 100 people who don't know me already. Patio Deck. Continuing contact with others.

Highlights: A good visit to Jikoji. Always such a stunning drive and lots of great centered and insightful conversations over breakfast too. And of course… Scottie's  grooming was the top highlight!

Accomplishments: I followed up on my efforts to continue/complete BIG training tasks and did well. I have more to do but it's under way. I managed to get some Jikoji tasks managed with the team and started the conversations about the next newsletter too.
Gratitude: A sense of connection and community in many areas of my life.

Mindset: I had a great sleep. That's not typical. It was hard to resist not opening a bottle of wine with the wonderful steak. I enjoyed with Tommy last night, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm finding that I do much better without alcohol across the board. My mindset going into the day is a little crowded. I am heading up to Jikoji for the morning and are a couple of meetings going to hell. I might help with some of the transitions of responsibilities as Amanda leaves. I'm also making sure I don't get to pull into managing things. I can't continue to do more when it's not a salary position. It's volunteer, and my time for that is limited. In any event, is a beautiful morning and I am enjoying getting up and going up the hill. It is a nice routine and I get a good deal of presence and call Ming connection from it.

Goals: I think my goal for today needs to be achievable. Explain morning thing I can find the afternoon and interrupted my phone, not grooming I'm gonna set the goal of doing a quote to take control, and from homework and continuing my focus on completing of "before I go" training review into the evening. That's enough.

Anticipation: I'm looking forward to seeing how Scottie looks with an aggressive haircut. It's long overdue.

5 Wants: build the floating deck. Generate income doing end-of-life planning. Have a game plan for continuing health insurance. Continue my efforts to return to my target weight even though I won't seemingly arrive there by 7/2. Create a routine and method for maintaining ongoing frequent contact with all of my legacy and newly found friendships.

It All Worked Out

As I pause to reflect on the path that has been "Parenthood," I am overwhelmed. I have written over the years about being a father, and for as many years, the role did not merely overshadow my identity; it informed it. Being a father has changed me dramatically. It defined me. It tested me. And on occasion, it broke me.

I am a better man for it. And a better human being, too.

I use this day annually to express gratitude to their mom for pushing me outside of my comfort zone. I was hesitant, to say the least, about taking on the role for an exhaustively long list of reasons and rationalizations that I won't go into here. Their ancient history and invalid at this point. It all worked out. At least, it worked out as fate and circumstances would have it.

Not everything was easy, perfect, or ideal. Yet it was also not the horror story and nightmare so many people seem subject to in their own experiences as parents and as children.

For years my go-to joke about parenting was to reply that it was "the greatest thing I'd never do again." That was meant to be funny, but as is the case with most humor, there's always a grain of truth. I was trying to convey that I'd not do it one more time, but it also sounds like I'd not do it again.

I'd definitely do it again.

I spent a little time this afternoon focused on the aforementioned gratitude for the fact that Tommy and Lauren are in my life and that their mom was instrumental in ensuring they were. I looked through photos going back to their earliest days all the way through to the last with their mom and beyond. It was a bittersweet reminiscence, with a highlight against the hardships: their wonderful rapport and relationship with their stepmom. A saving grace we all recognize as such.

It really has all worked out.

Tommy was more conscious of and focused on recognizing the day today than in the past 19 years combined. Several passed without any recognition, which was fine with me as it's nothing I feel a "need" for. Lauren has always made it special and did it again today with a simple statement about the value she sees in me as a father and a person in general, too. It was a sincere and insightful mature expression that felt like another in a series of small exchanges that reveal her as an independent adult.

It's implied that a parent is the teacher and the child is the student. That's certainly true in many ways throughout the 18 years we spend as role models, but it's equally true that we as parents are also learning, adapting, and growing through the journey.

Father's Day isn't an annual recognition for me. It is an ongoing routine awareness observed each time we share a laugh or a tear, resolve a conflict, reflect on a memory, support each other's achievements, accept apologies when we screw up or don't understand, and simply interact in a manner that's replete with the unspoken bond and understanding that is the definition of unconditional love.

We're transitional between the parent/child and adult/adult relationships. My time as their "leader," in a way, is ending, and they're heading into their own lives and paths while we wave and cheer them from the sidelines. As I wrote to Lauren today, I appreciate all we can share in this "blink-of-an-eye" experience called a lifetime. They have greatly enriched mine, and I believe I've done the same in return.

Mindset: I woke a bit foggy. I didn't drink that much last night, at all, compared to what was my routine, yet still I woke foggy. And a bit depressed as far as my current state of uncertainty related to the time I have to make some changes and pursue some dreams before running out of options. That's perhaps the biggest challenge right now – exercising faith and confidence. It's also why I put myself in this position in the first place. Our gathering last night was fun but not quite on the same level as the prior event. I think we ended up quickly siloed and separated vs all the mixing the prior effort had. Today is Father's Day. I'll likely write about that separately. I've spent the morning sitting on the patio after clearing/cleaning from last night. It's brisk but beautiful out here. A hummingbird keeps buzzing around to say hello.
Goals: Attend Jikoji. Write a Father's Day post. Dinner with Tommy & Jen.
Anticipation: I am looking forward to going to Jikoji this morning as it's on the end of a 3 day event related to Grief and that falls right into my realm of consciousness and awareness. It'll be interesting. Also, Lauren's sent something to me for Father's Day, so I'm looking forward to that surprise too. Apparently Lucky and Scottie play a part. Hmmmm.

One Sick Puppy

Scottie is resting beside me. He had a hard night, as did I. we were both restless. Only, one of us threw up a couple of times while the other followed him around, opened doors, sat on the porch, and generally overshadowed him along his way. He returned to his dog bed beside ours and sat in clear, immobilizing discomfort.

As all this played out, I quickly went from annoyance and resentment to compassion and empathy. I'm integrating well. This reminded me to see every experience, including disruption, as an opportunity to appreciate the chance to be of help.

I love this dog. He's not getting sick on purpose or doing any intentional wrong by doing so. Hell, he made it clear he was ill and avoided getting sick in the bed! What a good dog.

It brought back memories of being in my kids' room years ago, right as Tommy threw up. It was a mess and a disruption, but as I did with Scottie last night, I felt love and compassion and managed it.

Some 10-15 years ago, I was less conscious of how fleeting these moments would actually be and how deeply grateful I would be in time when I recognized them for being as real and rewarding as any other life experience might be.

Scottie won't always be here. Neither will I. Every opportunity I have to be a part of his journey and experience enriches my own. Tommy's, too.

Mindset: trying to balance optimism with (perceived) reality. What's my next chapter and how much do I let the odds of success intimidate? Even admitting that I don't have all the answers puts me on a triggered defense. Hmmm. More to work on? Always.

Goals: prepare for our OBOH II before it gets too hot to be outside.

Anticipation: Laughter and conversation.

5 wants: Outdoor space improvements for the summer. Financial roadmap clear. BIG certification in hand. Daily posts as a core practice (beyond just this). Improve how I stay connected to contacts I'm making.

Highlights: Lauren's visit was great and we got a bite in downtown LG before talking a stroll and running into "Mish", an Australian who's moving a decoration store/business closer to downtown. High energy person who's really pursued her passions and dreams literally across the globe. We chatted and hit it off and we're going to attend an upcoming opening party with Gali wines from next door. I think Jen's found yet-another-north-star opportunity here and hope it pans out. Crazy to later find online that her home/studio business is on a piece of property around the street from the home I lived at for 5 years. I used to jog past it daily and admire it. And she's there now with a studio we can go tour. I'm pretty amazed at that happening, as I am that Lauren sent me a podcast she mentioned Friday about science and when she sent the link to me this am the most recent episode is about MDMA and mental health and related stuff from what I think is a well known stanford professor. That's an area I hope to somehow get more connected to and involved in.
Accomplishments: Registered my new domain. Setup redirects and 'starting blocks'. Resolved my password issues for Jikoji and setup better backups of data too. Started my month of '5 wants' and I'm already finessing a few while recognizing some clear paths to take.
Gratitude: Inspiring insightful discussion this morning with Jen about my goals. We did a practice run in real time and it was inspiring. Her feedback and advice was spot on and I'm learning to accept that more which is an area of legacy conflict for me. We're helping each other daily, it seems, and even though I feel the spaces are so 'crowded' online for the goals we want, we can still make our own paths within there and be successful.



Mindset: Discouraged over stalled weight loss. Going to work with Jen on PSMF today. Otherwise I'm in a good mood. Balanced.

Goals: reinforced routines. Clean and clear low/no priority distractions. Refine and adjust my focus on adding "Soul Food" into where my time goes. BiG focus today - top priority = complete review and schedule the 30min session for next week.

Highlights: A wonderful and really inspiring conversation this am with Jen about a couple of dreams she had. Seeing the landscape crew clear the overgrowth at 103 Pano was a pleasant surprise as was a nice conversation with Danise and Tom including connections being identified between friends of theirs and Jen. So many paths and connections are opening up.  Jen whipped up some quick nosh while we played cards with the usual crew. We're working this week on a new sleep cycle and so far it's good but I slept in too late today - I'll get up early tomorrow for the routine routines.

Accomplishments: I completed lesson one of the "Take Control" program we're doing together (she finished hers last night). Mom's fridge arrived right on time this afternoon but wouldn't fit. I generously tipped the delivery guys, removed moulding and got it situated until we get the pocket door removed and can work it back far enough to open the pathway which will actually be a nice upgrade.

Gratitude: I gotta say Jen, again. One of the reflections in this workbook we are doing was on relationships. I recalled how, when we first realized what we had found in one anohter, I said that I thought it was only the tip of the iceberg of our potential and that's proving to be true. We're really making stronger connections and growning together and individually too.

Highlights: Just driving to Jikoji was a wonderful reminder of how awesome not only where we live is, but how we live and what we get to experience. It was a difficult sit for focus but a great morning for connections and insights, conversations and inspiration. Amanda's recent 14 day retreat was akin to my Boulder experience as far as just bringing a new level of 'clarity' to mind. The morning and the recent Mel Robbins podcasts have me feeling more aligned.
Accomplishments: Started pulling out the burr weeks. Started conversations w/Jikoji board about roles/responsibilities management and changes with staff on the horizon. Submitted claim to CSAA for the Mini Cooper damage while keeping it under $1k. Heard from Oruz (remarkable 2) about connecting to share stories of our respective experiences between Big Heart City, Spirit Rock, Jikoji, Now Haus and Zidedoor. That'll be fascinating. Oh and I updated my OGM to include the "2" tone so maybe that'll have an impact on spam calls. I sorta doubt it but, it's fun to find creative ways to managed the onslaught.
Gratitude: Jen's working on Keto status and plans for us as she dives deeper into the program and I'm so excited for what I know it will bring.

Mindset: tired. Lost some ground over past few days as far as optimism and positivity. Working to regain.

Goals: Jikoji am. Focused afternoon on reclaiming focused efforts to stay on a confident path.

Highlights: It's been a pleasant day. A 'vacation' sort of day. Lauren arrived by train this am for a brief visit. We had breakfast at Los Gatos Cafe with Jen. Tommy was engaged in other tasks this morning but joined us for Aqui dinner. Jen, Lauren and I went to Pacifica via Page Mill and Alpine. It was a beautiful drive. Just stunning forests and valleys and vistas. We also stumbled across a place called "Forever Bloom" farm and got some snacks and flowers. Same with Hurley Farms in Pescadero for goat cheese. A few very interesting 'synchronicity' moments occured, too. One was this morning, while brushing my teeth I envisioned my recently ordered glasses being ready for pickup today so Lauren could see them… which was aggressively quick considering they were ordered only 6 days ago. But this happened - they called during our drive today and I picked them up before dinner. Another event was, once in Pacifica, I said that if we drove past gorilla BBQ I'd have to stop. I checked online and was disappointed that they were only open Sat and Sun 12-5pm. Yet as we drove by, it was OPEN! And the parking lot was empty. It turns out this was a 'soft' open and the 1st Friday they're open. The last time we were here was also not-intentional, just happened to be there, 10/03/20, with a massive line too. We didn't know it until later that week that it was their "re-opening" day post pandemic. We stumbled across that and then this instance today. Karma? Fate? We wrapped up the day after Aqui dinner by playing Skipbo and listening to the Greatest Showman and Hamilton. It's been a Lauren-centric day. I'm grateful for all of it.

I swear I wrote a post last night and it's not there today. So I start the day confused. But excited that Jen is home and Lauren's on the train down. I'm just going to focus on them today. Tommy is off so we have the full day to spend together. Likely Santa Cruz or Carmel or Monterey. Aqui dinner. Lucky time. Skip Bo. That's the plan. But plans change so…. I'll be fluid and go with whatever.

I spent too much time thinking somebody else knew something I didn't, to the point of discounting what I do. Now I just want to continue looking for answers within.

I'm feeling a bit apathetic, to be honest. 3rd day at the same weight. Maybe I kept the wrong scale. I feel stalled in most ways across the board : weight, job search, home projects. Just don't have the desire to start something new when I have too many things queued up or in progress. That's where my goals for the day come in.

Goals: I want to identify and prioritize my active tasks. Then focus on the top one. That's all. Just land a circling plane.

Anticipation: Jen comes home tonight and Lauren comes tomorrow. Can wait for either and both.

Highlights: The shutoff valve was installed at my moms before I even got there. Her computer migration appears to have worked ok. There's usually some issues so I'm not assuming we're fully stable but I'm optimistic. We had a good talk about her need for further help and I'm going to start making weekly visits.

Accomplishments: Computer setup for my mom.

Gratitude: Jen's visit with Adam sounds like it's going well.

 I am often told that I "have to watch" a movie, show or series, YouTuber, or listen to a podcast or an audiobook, or read… remember reading? I enjoy good movies and shows, listening, learning, being informed and entertained, yet the volume of content options has become overwhelming. There is way too much to consume. I often abandon one for another and never finish either. Being mindful that time is a limited, unknown variable forces a choice. I'm asking more often than not what my investment of time will return and what better use of it there might be.

Mindset: Relaxed. Relatively focused. Optimistic about some steps taken yesterday towards daily writing/posting beyond simple journalling again.
Goals: Mindfully manage and balance time at my mom's working on computer stuff and the plumbing needs. Put more time into writing and transitioning content.
Anticipation: Hopefully another easy-going day chilling at home once I'm done with the morning tasks. There's really nothing else 'calling to me' to do today beyond focus on finishing a wide range of in-flight tasks.

Highlights: Quite a long but pleasant day. 4.30am rise (ok, 4.45) to take Jen to SJC for a flight to see Adam. She had a nice layover in LAX at the Delta SkyClub. She sent a photo making enchiladas with him. I'm so glad she's spending this time and hope it's a routine trip. It appears he's doing well on his own. For me it was a reflective and introspective day alone, listening to calming music and just focusing on the wonder of the moment. Practicing full awareness.

Accomplishments: I gracefully manaaged having realized I misplaced my drivers license. I checked everywhere and traced my septs back to Costco validating my account last week. I had to return something anyway. I went, did my return, and retrieved my license from their Lost & Found. I almost asked for a Job Application! :-). I am also testing out the Foodcycler this evening; so far so good. I started working out some kinks in my writing workflow too and I am starting today with daily posts consistently on one of the three sites depending on where I feel it belongs.

Gratitude: Today gave me a chance to reflect and remind myself that at 19 I wasn't at all aware of or attached to most anything my father was. That was fine. I have to remember that when I look at how to best engage with Tommy. Mostly it seems by being available when he initiates something and considering his intentions over my presumptions and his own default behavior.

In The Moment

 As I sit here enjoying light piano music inside and gentle drizzling rain outside, I realize how wonderful such quiet moments can be. How rich and enriching the simple awareness of impermanence is. Knowing this is all happening only at this moment. I anticipate 'missing this' when I'm gone, when the chance to experience this is gone, which assumes both a continued awareness and a place to reflect back from. Neither of those is a certainty, making this moment all the more valuable and such thoughts diluting and distracting.

Mindset: Pensive. Jen left for Dallas early this am and I didn't sleep well so I'm hoping to get caught up on sleep and get focused work done.

Goals: Break through what feels like writers block and avoidance. Get some clutter contained around the house.

Anticipation: Having the house to myself for the majority of the day.

Highlights: missed a couple of posts. It happens. A few partial and incomplete ones may resurface elsewhere. I had a good morning at Jikoji. I spent some extra time lingering and enjoying the property. I got to meet one of the long term members of this Sanga, Judy Reyes, who it turns out, graduated from the same high school as I one year earlier. In my brothers class! How cool :-).

Accomplishments: Always big plans and always interruptions. The majority of which of my own doing. At two or something I need to work on and possibly write about. The "FoodCycler" Jen used credit card points to buy arrived, and I got that set up right outside the garage door. Looking forward to doing some composting. I also managed to get my mom's appointment set up for the installation of the shut off valve Wednesday morning. Are use that time to get her computer issues addressed. Hopefully.

Gratitude: The humility and humanity of the Jikoji staff.

Mindset: Calm. Very calm. Up early spending time with meditation and introspection. It's quiet. I feel focused. I want to go to Jikoji for the Sunday session yet I'm thinking I'll go Monday am instead and focus on aligning my time today with the daily routine I want to put into effect tomorrow. Writing.

Goals: get organized to start the daily posting practice for my "AdvisoryPeriod" posts. Start following my North Star.

Highlights: Surprisingly good wine at Kirigin Cellars and blackened salmon at Bettos.

Accomplishments: helped my mom thought some struggles surrounding increased stress combined with sleep and pain issues. Felt rewarding to do so.

Gratitude: the awareness that my attitude can contribute to others.

Mindset: i'm in a good mood. I am very conscious of my continued desire to always maintain a "state of wonder" as I go throughout each day. Even the most banal and routine thing I see our experience should be felt with the same gratitude I feel observing a starlit sky, or standing by a waterfall or being with a loved one you might never see again. It's all important, precious, passing and impermanent. It's a gift to be here at all. Even the hard stuff.

Goals: We have some plans in the afternoon and evening that may challenge my temperance. I am going into it with an aggressive commitment to stay focused on the 7/2 target, though, and the satisfaction that comes with discipline.

Anticipation: An afternoon with Jen and Friends.

Highlights: Lunch with Tommy and Vinny was nice. Unfortunately Tommy's having food/stomach issues again so we're trying to understand that further. Jen made a wonderful Keto Lasagna. I enjoyed more time on the keyboard.
Accomplishments: It's been a good day for being present and in the moment. I've been noticing continued synchronicity and validation, or at least paying closer attention.
Gratitude: Being able to experience this: life.

Mindset: I'm conscious of how my thoughts influence my attention and direction. They can overshadow my intention. Illusions of control don't change the reality that there is no control beyond my choices and responses. I have to remember that.

Goals: Finish MetLife response. BIG catch up. Protein sparing.

Anticipation: continued awareness and growth.

Highlights: a good return with the BIG call. Took my mom to Fremont for appointment that didn't happen. Lauren's mini fixed (brakes). GNO.

Accomplishments: Kaiser dr is writing my letter for MetLife.

Gratitude: Jen's simultaneous support of myself and Tommy.

Mindset: good. Better. More connected to what I can and can't control. Including how long I fall into old habits of expecting otherwise.

Goals: Join the weekly BIG call and re-engage. I will be taking my mom to dr (Fremont, ugh) and have GNO tonight.

Anticipation: GNO!

Gratitudes: Seeing Jen in her "zone" is motivating and exciting.