Lauren's 15min of Fame as an e-Card Image Lives On!

Highlights: A tiring day, but a productive one. There was time spent on the phone managing to obtain some financial aid for my mom's otherwise heinously overpriced cancer drugs. It was a relief to get approval but throughout the day I was wrestling to not get sucked into a whirlpool of skeptical negativity. Everything from drivers to websites had me cursing under my breath at the inconsideration, incompetence and inhumanity of it all. It's sofaking hard to walk a calm path. If it's true what they say about what comes out of somebody under pressure is what's inside, it's circumstantial. Or compounded. But I've managed to keep my cool through far more and lose it through far less. I didn't lose it. I cursed a bit but also reflected on, again, the impermanence of a moment being in transition to an eventual resolution. Which did happen. Still, it was a challenging day as are they all, if that's how you see it. So maybe I'll say it differently. It was a great day. I rose to challenges, worked through reflex responses to find an away to be more patient and all worked out in the end. My mom's 'other' meds arrive tomorrow and it'll be a 14 day regime during which transfusions might be necessary depending on how low her metrics go. It'll be an opportunity to rise above the hardship and press through to hopeful remission. I want to avoid any and all risks for illness during this time. I'll be doing a lot of oversight and spending a lot of time at appointments with her. I'm working off a debt, clearly. And gratefully too.

Highlights: The bone marrow panels came back. There was nothing about the results that were alarming. She will continue to do chemotherapy as planned. We have appointments scheduled throughout March and there will be another bone marrow test towards the end of the month that will give us more information about the progress and prognosis. The ongoing treatments shouldn't be any more difficult than this one was, which is good to have been told. I feared otherwise. The rest of the day was otherwise gratifying, productive and inspiring. More about that elsewhere.

Morning Mindset: Acknowledging anxieties. I'm being forced outside of my comfort zone. And that's not a bad thing. It's where growth happens. And I need that. It's still something I face with apprehension. It's the "close your eyes and take a step" moment when the landing isn't likely to be a balanced one. The circumstances are such that I have no choice or the lack of action has greater negative potential. So, step I must.
Goals: wrap up A few active initiatives and action items. Get some sun. (Melatonin)
Anticipation: Dr appointment with Mom and the discussion likely to follow. (Anticipating isn't always good)
Wants:

It was nice to wake up at home. It was 6am when Scottie was clearly up and ready to jump off the bed. Even after being fed he started doing the nudge and scratch routine. I know what that means. Once outside where he quickly found a spot and, well, let's just say that I am glad he held that in. Impressive for an older dog. And WTF's he been eating? I was certainly away by then, and so I followed through on my offer to take Tommy to LGCafe. The usual. Delicious. I worked further on updates for Jikoi's website and reservation systems. Throughout the day, emails and phone calls and research continually brought me back to reality. The seemingly successful 1st round of mom's treatment is, just that, the 1st round, of what will be an aggressive fight. There's only a moment between rounds, and the next blows may land much harder. We'll talk to the doctor tomorrow and ask for more insight into the weeks ahead.

Morning Mindset: Altitude and attitude. Focusing on adapting to changing environments, pressure, turbulence and visibility. Trusting my inner pilot to navigate on behalf of all of us passengers. Confident that whatever unforeseen changes in conditions that can't be navigated around by a course change will end in an eventual landing - safe or crash - so I might as well enjoy the view from here for what it is. A wide and expansive vista of life and living.
Goals: reclaim some lost ground on deferred objectives.
Anticipation: Recharging
Wants: Ice cream. Seriously. I want ice cream. And I know I'll get it.

 

Highlights: What's not a highlight? In a day spent helping an aging parent, working to improve my son's connections with her and I, returning home after fragmented time away, or the sudden comfort our dogs exude at the reunion of those whom feed them. All is at peace for the moment. Knowing it is, as is any moment, temporary, I take solace in being as fully present as possible. Looking at her. Having this life. Facing a loss, one of what will certainly be compounding over the years ahead. I've know this for years. Decades, even. Just like the hammock on Loma , or the Patio at 1821, it's all now when I detach from the concept of time. It's all the present moment of a lifetime. Or am I just high?

Morning Mindset: The day visit with Lauren was awesome (walk through LG, drive to Mt Umunhum), as was the morning with Tommy, as mentioned earlier. They are real treasures and wonderful people in each of their own ways. I had a great time at the soup party. Really grateful to have had the time to get out and connect with Jen was radiant. I still have to stop and reflect on how amazing the path here has been. My mom’s fatigued but not suffering the more daunting side effects. There’s time for that to come on as treatments continue but hopefully it will be worth the effort. It’s all as uncertain as anything else is.
Goals: chase down Genetech pill issues and details/options. Resolve Jikoji billing issues.
Anticipation: hopefully, being home tonight.
Wants: Another sesshin would be nice.

Morning Mindset: Oddly near tears of joy and sorrow. Why? Because this is all so overwhelming. Not necessarily in a negative way, though. I'm at Stanford with my mom and Tommy. She's here for 4th infusion treatment since the South Bay location is not staffed on Sunday. What's so overwhelming is the history here with the Kids and Linda - it's part of the Children's hospital complex we'd taken Lauren to for one or many reasons. It's so familiar - i remember all the subtleties, the parking, the trains, the lobby. And Tommy drove us here. He works here. He walked me about like I would and did at Apple. And this is the same place he came with us in his childhood. It's poetic. How cyclical and overlapping it all seems, like waves arriving and retreating in unison. I'm also moved by the level of complexity, failure and success that exists in man's efforts to manage the chaos of nature. Biology. Illness. Down to such intricacies with so many variables and just as many consequences. Good and bad. I seldom step back and try to comprehend it all.
Goals: see to it she is comfortable. Chase down next steps in advance.
Anticipation: seeing Lauren.
Wants: This intense awareness of life is wonderful at times but as indicated, can be a lot, too.

Another piece of deep sentimental value finds a new home amongst familiar objects.

Highlights: Slept quite well - nice mattress in the guest room. Crazy to be 'back' there. Not the first time since my teens but still, always filled with memories of 70's decor, Farrah posters, and Holly climbing through the window. Good times. Not for good reasons to be there last night but so far my mom's reactions to the mediations are going well. As for Stanford, I'm less than impressed with the apathetic and haphazard management of their communication and protocols. It's long and involed, but suffice to say I'd expect this sort of detachment from Kaiser. I've spent more time chasing down problems than reasonable. All that being said, highs and lows, we made it though and I'm back home for the night and there again tomorrow. "This too shall pass" is starting to be a consious state of mind. Oh, and elevators provide an opportunity for practicing patience.

Abridged Horizon

What follows is a continuation of my prior post, authored almost without pause, and titled somewhat the same. The previous having been written at a point where there was space that has since disappeared.

The writing of that post was in the final draft phase, actively open on my computer, being spell-checked for publication, when the validation of my assumptions and the impetus for this follow-up came in the form of an email appearing in the inbox behind the active window. An email titled "me."


Morning Mindset: Recursively Reflective. How could I not be at this stage in life? Family and friends aging and declining - myself included. And these daily habits I've adopted become as critical to my sense of normalcy as the are so easily forgotten or abandoned during the chaos that is life. And change. And adaptation. So, reflective is good. Perspective is informed by reflection and brutality simple reality.
Goals: I'll be focusing on some works in progress with writing and Jikoji's tasks while ensuring I'm available for mom my during these coming weeks as her medical and physical needs necessitate.
Anticipation: finding inspiration in the aforementioned perspective.
Wants: The same as anticipation: finding inspiration in the aforementioned perspective.

Highlights: Tommy got his Model Y. It's elegant. I talked to Lindsey for awhile after a really long and heartfelt dialog with my Mom earlier that morning. David and Marissa are in the loop too. Seems like a lot is going on in all of their lives and I'm anticipating a year of shared support and bonding. As it should be. Managed a few Jikoji tasks related to security and billing needs. More to do. Always more to do. Good chat with Matt C about some of his recent experiences, super helpful. Jen took Bev to HRK for birthday dinner and they had a pleasant time. Doesn't the word "pleasant" imply subdued? Maybe I'll change that to "great" or "wonderful" or "exuberant". That's more in keeping with the tone those two tend to set. Good too that they shared our coveted Gali 2017 reserve Temp…., no better pairing. Talked to Lauren too, about Grandma and the CVI issues that have been surfacing. Sent some ideas afterwards - hoping she'll run with them. It's how shit gets done. I gotta learn that too, although the complimentary passes to an upcoming event that sharing my Boulder story gained me was a nice win and a reward for effort and intention.

Morning Mindset: introspective intrigue : Life is happening. As it does daily and routinely. Yet as the navigation pace changes from coast to wave, I have to remain connected to the opportunity and gift it all is. It crossed my mind this morning how we walk out of a dramatic thriller that might fill us with fear, grief, tension and surprise and rave about what a great experience that was while we lament the road bumps of our own journey. There's some anticipated drama on the horizon for my mom ahead that's going to take my time, attention and heart on a potentially difficult path. My reflex is to tense and grip the wheel. Yet I know the best approach is a relaxed one, attentively managing what I can while riding it out and making the passenger feel safe and comfortable. It's a one way road, it always is, but intersections and choices will influence where it leads.
Goals: address insurance transitions coming up.
Anticipation: Tommy's Tesla.
Wants: knowing my limits.

I'm not rich, famous or privileged. OK, I'm privileged. But not in the sense of excessive wealth and opulence, but in experience, opportunities and relationships. I've likely embraced that more in the past few years than in all those leading up to them. Is it from having confronted mortality, abandoning social media, having no TV, witnessing death, studying Stoicism and Buddhism, and likely a dozen other influences? Definitely. Today was spent at the beach again where Steve and Diana continue their 1 month escape from the cold of Minnesota. We were told to arrive and 9.17 am and did exactly that without rushing or delaying to do so. It just worked out that way. Classic. Breakfast and time on the patio, cards, a brief dog walk and lots of laughter and discussions filled the span of time. It went too quick but there's more to come. The weather was good coming/going but we witnessed more turbulent waves there than I can recall ever seeing before. It was intense and fascinating to watch. We got home before the rains after a short delay near Idlewild where a car had overturned, landing on the other side of the guardrail and luckily not down the side of the hill a few feet further. Hopefully they walked away without anything other than gratitude to walk away at all. Back at home the rains and winds picked up and it felt good to be home. I came up with a few ideas of more things to write about and I'm hoping tomorrow proves to be a productive day. Oh and I stumbled across the new Billy Joel song, "Turn The Lights Back On" and immediately loved it. The AI video is cool - I liked the opening visual, that of the turning of a page on a book on a piano, upon which the handwritten lyrics of the last song on his last release, to a new blank page, before starting. I also appreciated the fact that several other pages appear throughout the video while the closing scene returns to the book on the piano where more lyrics appear where it was once empty. The clips at the end were also fun. I'm hoping for more.

The day started with a beautiful sunrise amongst cloudy skies. I woke inly, but only minutes from when I would typically climb out of bed in response to one or both dogs asserting their needs to urinate and eat. Sequentially, not in parallel. Of course, as I lay back to take in the clouds, they begin the process, and I roll with it. We'd had guests for dinner last night and stayed up well past our bed times, and Jen had earned the right to sleep: I enjoyed the morning, put away dishes and roasted a new attempt to hit the "old soul" mark. I'll know more in the morning once I brew a pot but I'm optimistic. Forever optimistic it seems, given how many attempts I've made to nail my ideal roast with relative reproducibility. Tommy returned from Paharo and was around for the am and throughout the afternoon. I joined the Deep Bow Sunday program as well as a follow on in the afternoon with Rich, from The Forum. It was all encouraging and thought provoking. I really do believe that grief and gratitude go hand in hand, Yet as Lauren would remind me, I am in a bubble. I had a good but brief text exchange with her but I still sense a distance, so I am giving her space and doing my best to not press. I raked up most of the leaves I did not get last week and came across a dead bird which I gently put in with the leaves, respectfully, as organic matter. It eventually started raining, as expected, so the remainder of the day was spentinside. Scottie has been gradually showing signs of aging, which has all sorts of ramifications that we need to manage. Sigh. Jen and I worked together to understand issues she was having taking photos and it was quite interesting. We found that there are settings for both the camera and for the iphone display that, combined, made the image appear problematic when it was fine and mostly a display seeing. She decided to upgrade her phone all the same and we went to. the apple store to.. do so. Tommy came along. Luckily if not magically or by manifestation, we found that Jen got a direct deposit payment from intel late last week that covered all but the taxes on her new phone. These are connections to raise awarrenerss of. Wild.

Mindset: Relative Regard. I have a good feeling about some uncertainties within multiple family dynamics. I'll let that speak for itself while recognizing it's multiple implications. 2024 has already set the stage for change, I anticipate a need to improvise, and-lib and stay on my toes. All in a good way, at least all in a good way that is, say it with me, within my control. 

Goals: Handyman tasks @ Farallone. Jikoji board meeting. Hopefully a little time to read and write. 

Anticipation: Dinner @ Pano with Tonya and Jonathon.

Wants: For Scottie to stop nudging me. Which he just did. He Stopped. As I wrote that.

Photo by Jen

Highlights: Last night we fell asleep to the sounds of two hooting owls in the trees outside our bedroom window. It was poetic and so delightful to hear. We've heard one before, on occasion, but this was distinctly a back and forth exchange that likely started with 'can I buy you a drink' and ended this morning with the dreaded flight-of-shame. This morning's drive to Jikoji was accompanied by a striking sunrise. It was amazing, but I could not pull over to get a good photo and I opt'd to just enjoy it. Jen got a photo from him and sent it. I love that we both appreciate and share these moments. Had dinner with my mom and Jen, plus we took the dogs. Scottie shat on her floor. WTF,D? Aqui 'botched our order. so I had to return and I went in hot. Frustrated. That sorta thing can happen, and I conveyed gratitude for the quick replacement and a complimentary cheesecake got thrown in too. Good save, Aqui. The dogs lost their shit over a cat in the backyard. It's hilarious watching Lucky all amp'd up and pacing and whimpering with excitement. The last time it was a raccoon and that was ever more dramatic. Beyond that and the Jikoji morning, the rest of the day was low key. I stopped by Madroria on the way down from Jikoji on a lark. It's been awhile and given other stuff going on this week, it was time to revisit and reflect. It can be difficult sometimes to not get lost in hindsight and second guessing. I believe I have habitually spent most of my time looking back and ahead. Seldom in the moment. That's definitely taken years to recognize, and a lot of effort to change. I expect it'll be a lifetime practice. I hope so, as I don't want to "shut off "or go back into a sort of sleepwalking state. That sounds judgemental, but It's not meant to be. I simply mean I want to stay connected to experiences in a manner that recognizes much can be gained by seeing the little things, even a low key day, as worthy of reflection.

Morning Mindset: reflecting gratitude. Inward and outward. I experienced a mind-blowing "wow" moment of synchronicity this morning. On the way to Jikoji for Zazen and the weekly meeting, I was thinking about how my view of Zen, Stoicism and Taoism is the closest I've come to understanding how people I've considered religious can have a passionate sense of "knowing" a truth or truths. Three hours later, a favorite podcaster referenced those same observations, almost to the words I'd thought. It felt validating, at a minimum. Understanding that the mind can correlate associations to random experiences based on what catches your attention (i.e., suddenly seeing far more of the car you've been thinking you might want to buy) prevented me from dropping to the floor and speaking in tongues. Plus, I was driving on windy roads.
Goals: a few to-dos.
Anticipation: dinner with Jen and My mom.
Wants: continued awareness.

Mindset: Class is always in session. We are given tests. Scheduled and without warning. Today will be focused on a few key objectives: help my mom, stick to. my commitments, continue daily posting, fix a couple of P1's for Jikoji, Walk. Once those are managed I will continue down a list that demands a very critical eye. Above all else, my mom's needs must absolutely receive my full attention. They are my needs as well. There will be a final exam and I want to score high so I can graduate with honors.

Nice to see this again. I saw it 1st 20 years ago at a location around the corner..

Highlights: Breakfast with Tommy at LG cafe. Shuttle him to/from work while waiting for Wendy's ride. I had another strong realization about the work I'm doing and my potential opportunities to get traction in exposure. I have a lot of work to do, but it's all work I will do in order to accomplish the goal of being the 'character my writer's defined me to become'. I was stunned by an email from my mom while authoring a post about her along related topics. Stunned. A bit shocked but more aware than shocked, of the synergy. More on that another time. Wrote more, good progress and flow. Feelin' it.

A Bridged Horizon

Based in great part on their routine simplicity and pace, I am recognizing something of a pattern in my daily experiences. My days have been spent in a manner that feels like the gentle space bridging two significant plot-driving dramas. One that's happened and one that's going to throw all this sense of peace and harmony into a chaotic spin.

My last real drama was stepping out of my delusional comfort zone in the workforce, taking a chance to take control by giving up control, and subsequently finding myself on a "StoZenTao" path of introspection and alignment, connecting dots of lifetime intuition to ancient wisdom that has afforded me a chance to relate it all to something more substantial than my own limited life experiences.

What's next? What "Drama" lies ahead?

Nature: 1. Man: 0.

Tommy sold his Tesla. I had a hard time with it. Simply because I don't necessarily feel like it's the right thing to do. I gave the best advice I could but I had to allow him to do what he's going to do. Maybe it will end up being fine. Maybe he actually averted some sort of an issue with the Car, or in the long run this will give him credit-score growth. Maybe a better appreciation for the costs of ownership. Good things can come out of him not doing what I wanted him to do because my life experience doesn't necessarily need to direct his. My mini-solo "Sesshin" has gone very well. I've continued to isolate and constrained my distractions and dialogues while focusing on introspection and self-awareness. It's all starting to connect to a number of parallel tracks. I intend to strike that balance between meeting the needs to maintain revenue while enjoying whatever I do that's putting something good out into the universe. Tommy and I had a clash over the ski racks being taken apart. I triggered him, he triggered me, and a tumbleweed passed between us as the shudders closed and a lone coyote's howl accented the creaking leather on my holster. Yet as frazzled as I felt, I managed to maintain a sense of calm, resolve, and modeled a rational reasonable defense against his offense. He apologized later and blamed it on stress. I've make it clear a couple of times today that the problem isn't originating with me, it's in how he perceives and responds. I'm hoping to pass along some recently gained insights.

Morning Mindset: Determined. I am dropping ambiguity from my vocabulary when speaking of taking action. And it is more challenging than I first thought. It's removing choice that come with words like "intention", "plan", "hope" they plan seeds of deferral and delay.
Goals: write and post on stozentao accounts. Play with book ideas and listen to writing masterclass.
Anticipation: Brussels With Crispy Parmasan.
Wants: To retain the insight that no one person has more value by their position alone.

Highlights: Day one of a self-led, self-hosted, self-inflicted sesshin of my own. The idea and inspiration struck me at some point between this morning or last night. I vaguely recall being annoyed by the dogs in the morning but that seems like 15 hours ago. A lot can change in that time, including annoyance. I did well during day one. I let Jen know that I was practicing relative silence for the day and did so. When speaking I kept it short. I took a 3 + mile walk to Bel Gatos and back. Along the path the smell of skunk was extreme as was the site of a dead skunk at the road side. I got all "Ricky" for a moment (American Beauty) and looked at it with a sense of wonder at the nature of life and death. It felt respectful to acknowledge at least the reality of one beings existance coming to end in how we understand it. The hike was great while the podcast was moreso. Mel Robbins did a powerful episode on the statistics of relationships throughout our lives and I had to listen twice, once again with Jennifer tonight. That and some other inspirational content (The diary of a CEO, Actualized) felt timely given my day's intention to regain an action based mindset. I have set the stage to start writing more aggressively tomorrow. I don't want my fear of judgement to prevent what feels like mymission going unfulfilled or my potential being wasted. Lauren reached out briefly to get some feedback on a mail draft so that was a welcome exchange. I managed to keep focused today. My "habits" need rebooting once in a while and likely will even more during the year ahead. I'll be targeting my day-end earlier in order to create a space to be off devices and reading for at least 30 minutes or more each night. I hope it will result in more sleep and continued inspiration.

Morning Mindset: Irritation. The dogs waking me earlier than my alarm or intention can be annoying. But my threshold is low. I need some things to change. I'm not happy and that's always on me and mine to control. I can't make Tommy consider that he doesn't need to sell the Tesla. I can't make Lauren open up about closing off. I can't make the dogs not bark at ups trucks. I can't make Jen responsible for my insecurities when they arise. Only I have have control over my responses to the things outside of my control. Accepting and making that second nature is my aspiration and a challenge. What's got my focus right now is that turning all this energy in that direction will absolutely resolve any frustration, self doubt and even sorrow over something as significant as the separation of a level of connection to my family that is inevitable and healthy. What might break my heart may strengthen theirs
Goals: regain and reclaim traction on my own actions, awareness and intenion. Focus on inspiration. All day. All week.
Anticipation: exitidy redux.
Wants: I am considering taking the week off from posting. Giving myself a week of relative subjective silence. A mini-self-sesshin. 7 days. Starting now. Back next week.

Highlights: Enjoyed the day at the beach, food, light spirits, and a few good commercials in between a game that I really had no investment in. I will never understand sports culture. Tommy is talking about selling his Tesla and I gave him my input, but we will see what comes of it. There was a crash on 17 on the way back. I picked up a habit decades ago of simply putting positive thoughts out to whoever was involved as a way of recognizing our venerability and interconnection. It stems from a story we heard at the time of a woman who had an out of body experience and, true or not, the thought has always returned when I see accidents, so I go with it.. Can't hurt. We listened to a good podcast with Mel Robbins and Stephen Bartlett that I want to relisten to a few more times. I really found it inspirational. It made me conscious of some of my own self sabotage.

Mindset: Gratitude. How could it not be? I am sitting on the patio of a beach house that overlooks the sand and ocean just feet away. This is the house you would look at from pretty much any other house and think .... now That would be epic." And it is. It's Super Bowl Sunday, which apparently is some cultural thing about some sports thing. it's tied a same manner to Taylor Swift so there's that. We came over early to make the most of the opportunity. My goal is to walk on the sand, be with friends, enjoy some reasonably health nosh and throw a stick into the surf to have it chased and returned by a black lab. Goals are all checked. Now what?

Jen graciously allowed me to sleep in white she managed the dogs. I love that give and take. The evening last night was terrific on many levels, likely to be written about in other posts. But the "sipperly" slope of a good bottle of wine followed by another as well as a delicious port, all combined to bring about the new-routine : discomfort several hours later, I have to limit my qty and content (alcohol %) consciously. I did well today on a wide range of actions and engagement. I had what I now know was an ocular migrate, but having an unexpected vision issue was a bit concerning. A bit. We walked to a neighboring street to check out an estate sale. They can be sad experiences, but by that point, I expect the dramatic moments have passed, and this clearing is healthy closure. Wendy stopped and was pretty vocally upset about the inconsiderate parking Jobs  stayed out of sight. I assumed it might throw her off. I'd be if the tables were turned. We walked home and talked about sensing something off with Lauren. I don't know what's Which I did on a call later in the afternoon. I will do my best to be there only when wanted. Or needed. Jen started washing the car, so I got out. The power washer to help out. I also used the blower to collect all of the leaves and pods and such from the backyard. Ok, 85%, there's still plenty. Whatever. It was a lot! It will take two weeks of trash pickup to get rid of it all. That was rewarding. My mom called, but I missed it; finding out later that it was a computer issue she figured out. Sigh. I know this is hard for her. Jen and I ran to GOBM on Monterey and picked up food for tomorrow as well as some stuff for me, given that I won't be drinking. Maybe. But attentively if so. We watched the first episode of the new season of Curb for Enthusiasm. I was laughing and recognizing so many situations I've experienced with the same annoyance. I ended the day with deep writing efforts that will go up soon. I'll head to bed shortly to read more of "being upright". Oh, I also reached out, finally, to a contact that may be able to help with my job search. Maybe, if at all. White in parallel, it looks like a death cafe is now on the calendar for March. I am feeling both fortunate and responsible for what's ahead. Good and bad. To a reasonable degree. The rest is just other pachinko balls in motion.

Morning Mindset: Resolve. I have focused on something. It will require conscious commitment and follow through. Holding on while letting go. Focus. Determination. Follow through and saying no to a lot that I don't typically do. I've nothing and everything to lose. It starts today.
Goals: Simplicity
Anticipation: drama cleaning
Wants: To not care what happens as long as I'm honest kind and have good intentions.

Not a bad day, considering it's ending and I am able to reflect on the past 14 hours. As I discussed with Frank over coffee and breakfast sandwiches at the Purple Onion, every day starting is like the next episode, and you really can't know what plot twists, characters, drama or adventure lies ahead. That being said, we do live in a predominantly predictable construct. A 27hr power outage might come along every year or two tops, but in general, the keel is damned even. It took alot of pressure for me to make the choice to walk away from "relative" job security and work on myself. And a course change. It feels like a significant degree of options are within reach but I am waiting for... waiting for... shit. waiting for what? Maybe for an explosion and not a spark. A sense of destiny, like many of the moments over the past year, where the click of the fit is audible. I got some good ideas today of where I might put my attention next. I talked to Bryan as well, after the whole an issue with Chase asking me to verify a purchase on a credit card that I have no association to. WTF. I trimmed Lucky, sort of, at least enough to remember why I should pay someone else to do it. And will, next time. Picked up more coffee beans as I dial in the last few nuances. Tommy has a interest in getting EMT certified. I'm inclined to want to wait and see what sticks vs what passes by.

Morning Mindset: Pleased with my latest ideas and my handling of some minor irritations. Filled with gratitude to have the awareness I do. The creativity. Aptitude. Interest. Satisfaction. It's sofaking easy to let the default mode network take the wheel without realizing it until the road gets rough.
Goals: Meet with Frank and talk out some needs and ideas on continuing to be engaged if connections within their community. Do more writing.
Anticipation: my roasted coffee is improving. I'll be trying another test roast soon. Yesterday's turned out very nice but a little to the outer edge of the target. I hit the middle of the target last week with one of the three so I know it's within reach. The hard part is that I can't mess with two variables. I can only change one thing at a time. I'm closing in.
Wants: To see Lauren. I miss her. She's living her best life and I'm happier for her than she might be for herself but I miss her. Maybe a farkle game is in order.

Highlights: Good calm start, "Calm" included, as well as a stretch of deep diving with the Daily Stoic. I made breakfast for us, Jen's bacon cheeseburger scramble. Got a few calls out of the way and found myself in the Shika vortex for hours, trying to manage a slew of issues that the optimizations I have in mind will mitigate. It's that classic situation I routinely end up in… make me do it manually, and I'll simplify it so it's not as cumbersome to manage. It's a blessing, a curse, and a skill I'm proud of. Costco run with Tommy was fun; he found that he could get a 10lb 'tube' of beef for $4.39/lb. It's massive, and I know it'll be an issue at home being maintained in the fridge in a safe manner. It might not be worth the savings, but we'll see. CardzMania tonight was enjoyable, too. Always is. I'm grateful for my friends. The topic of aging beyond physical/mental capacity surfaced, but I stayed quiet as I didn't have anything I wanted to add beyond my own understanding of the legal and emotional aspects involved. I agreed with their mutual positions about quality vs quantity, and after what I have learned, I hope to be able to focus my time and energy in ways that evolve our awareness. I also want and need to be more active and agile. Aging isn't a major concern, but my inaction may make it a bigger issue later.

Morning Mindset: Hmmmm… not really sure… it's nice to have the power back and I slept reasonably well yet interrupted by thought throughout the night. The whole experience are losing power, the conflict with Tommy, the whole of all uncertainty took me back into a mindset of permanence and control. When there is no such thing. It's hard to undo 60 years of conditioning or assumption. It's all based on my response to my environment and choices made out of fear, desperation or ignorance. Is that not the case for everyone? I'm not unique. I see that but only while my eyes are open to it. Blinking is blinding.
Goals: People to be, places to do, things to go.
Anticipation: Hoping to write, yet fear my lack of commitment in the word "hope" foreshadows a disappointing outcome of my own making.
Wants: oh, a cup of coffee would be lovely, thank you.

The storms on Sunday took our power out in the early afternoon. Ours and I000's of others on the Bay Area. Not to mention how hard hit SoCal was, too. Boy, if only science could have warned us 20+ years ago that we were having negative impacts on the planet, well golly we sure would have done something (eyeroll). So we had no power last night, or all day today. All that being said, and annoyances with the rates and monopolistic nature of the company, I tip my hat in gratitude for the amazingly rapid nature of so many outages being address in such a short period of time. Property owners who fail to manage their tree branches growing into power lines hold at least 70% of the responsibility for this mess. My mom was out of power too but got hers back, so Jen and I went there today, so her work demands could be met. Tommy and I had a blowout this morning over his attitude. It's been awhile and it really threw me off. more than I should let it. He can be a selfish, negative and argumentative. And he was. It will happen again, I'm sure, it's my path to not accept it while not feeding it or into it either. I don't expect to live long enough to see him change the nature of his attitude towards me but I hope to live long enough to not have It hurt as much as it does, or to care, or to take it so personal. He just doesn't know what I do. Yet. And may never.

Mindset: Determined decision. After the fallout from last night's difficult sleep, I am reminded that at this point in life, at my age, with a temperament to specific food and drink, I need to be less inclined to risk short-term consideration of my physical limitations and indulgence in eat or drink at the expense of my comfort hours later. In many ways, it all falls into following simple guidelines and principles and staying in my lane. My body is a simple sedan. I can't drive fast and recklessly, and I can't go off-roading. It rained all night and continued for a couple of days. I will be taking it easy today. Beyond a deep dual detailed housecleaning, I have no other plans or demands. Yet.

Morning Mindset: Neutrality. I feel like setting aside all thoughts for the day and just sitting and staring at the ocean. Not on a device. Not checking off or adding to lists. Not reading. Not even taking photos. Not doing anything beyond "being". I know that some of this is within reach, including the ocean due to the good fortune I have to live where we live, while others are more slippery states of mind. Fleeting. I will say that I recognized this morning how I have reduced the "wake up thinking" nature of my mornings. I lamented that for years. I've reduced it significantly. That's rewarding and encouraging.
Goals: A mental day off.
Anticipation: seeing Steve and Diana.
Wants: Today. This.

The day was spent immersed in a broad range of volunteer tasks. I am realizing I have gotten myself painted into a corner. It's rewarding to be doing the things I am doing but I need to not be the only one capable of doing them. It's time to fix this. Simplifying and documenting tools and processes so others can manage routine tasks. That is my next focus. I will do that soon. I mean, this month. Next week. Now. Jen and I had a wonderful dinner at HRK. The brussel-sprout salad, Mexican corn, chicken and bacon cornbread, stuffed mushrooms, and lamb chops were all delicious, and our Fabelist wine was well paired. Today was our 4-year Anniversary. I've known her for 26. 5 years ago I would never imagined the past 4, what we have experienced, endured, discovered and come to. Never. It's still hard to believe. Hard to fathom. Hand to explain. But we get it, and it works!

Mindset: Frustrated compassion. Irritation brought out it's "A" game this morning and broke my winning streak at managing reactions in a mindful manner. Who had "5 days" in the betting pool? The trigger was finding dog pee in the garage. I felt the onset of irrational anger pop up like a mole in an arcade game. It was and has been Scottie for a couple of logical reasons that I can not and will not blame him for, it's just annoying to encounter. I was caught off guard. Beyond showing him the error and saying "no "I let it be. Well I did clean it too. What I did next was take a moment to sit and mentally dissect my feeking  Why did it bug me so? Why did I see it as anything warranting frustration, resentment or, dare I say it, being a victim? I am proud to say that I was successful in backing away from the knee-jerk response and regaining my mindful footing. As much as I preach presence and perspective, awareness and gratitude, it's a practice to manage, with a particular venerability to get sidelined when I least expect it. THAT is where the compassion mindset comes in. Compassion not only for the dog's relative innocence and ignorance of intention and consequences, but for me being the one in this scenario that'sworking to improve and capable of having the aweness that.

Anticipation: Volunteering today a the PGA with Kiwanas Club.