Laugh … It's still there

Highlights: A 13 + mile ride from Los Gatos to Saratoga. Progress continues on the 21ˢᵗ birthday book, but it's time-consuming and emotionally charged; I go through the photos. The book is being outlined, and it's quickly becoming evident that I will need to trim a substantial amount of content. The meeting at the Forum was postponed. Yet we had an opportunity to have a rewarding and encouraging conversation with a few people. I have started reviewing many of my notes and resources as I strive to gain exposure and experience. The BMW buyer changed their mind, and although I am disappointed, I am rolling with it; it will get more interest in the weeks ahead. I'm no longer in Arush, given that it's all ready to go. Mom's doing well, and we had a pleasant dinner last night. Lindsey helped her today by going through more of the shelf contents. It's been very complicated trying to balance emotions, reality, acceptance and the general experience of the past few years as my mom's health issues remain a constant, as I look through the years of photos chronicling my kid's lives before, during and after the divorce and Linda's death, and as I revisit and, in some instances, dredge up painful memories.  I can't call it hard-it's genuine-but it is an intense place to dwell for extended periods.



1715 Zinnia. We have history.

Sleep music plays as I write. I may be addicted to needing something "playing" in the background while sleeping. It brings back a memory of Jen traveling with Deane and Martin and the need for TV noise all night. Which is crazier? I didn't grow up with access to the ocean, forest, crickets, frogs, city sounds or anything- we just had the noise of our surroundings. But the dead, still silence of night is deafening. So, I choose crickets. It reminds me of bringing in onckets outside my apartment and I got a few weeks of evenings with their performance.. Yet I digress; the BMW sale got punted to Sat in Los Gatos. That's fine. I remain confident it will sell. I went by Mom's instead to get her online for a meeting and to see what I could do to make it easier. The "jazz in the plaza" outing was nice. The band was good, but not my expectation, yet to be starting another summer season and be having this experience all seem's idyllic. It's all in how one looks at things. I got another PM ride in. Ended up at 17 15. How removed such crucial history feels when looking back. Friends, lovers, and roomates colluded her for several years before moving to Shady View. I seem to pay more attention in hind­sight. Don't we always?

One of the best songs for night drives

Summer continues to provide the early morning sunlight I find so motivating to wake to. That whole "circadian rhythm" thing warrants consideration. I was up and able to get a good meditative start to my day, a smog check on the BMW, and then a pleasant morning coffee with Martin at his house. It's rewarding to have known him for close to 50 years and still stay connected. The C & C on M.A.I.D. was informative and broadly attended, including Frank. I feel like I will become more connected to their organization in the coming months. I met with and started training Lidia on checkfront and will continue to do so. Cards with the usual crowd GNO with that usual crowd. I am grateful to be so fortunate to have the friends and history to have with each. To spend a day having a chance to spend time with just one is great, and today I did so with 11!

I woke with calm gratitude for the stability my life currently affords me with an awareness that it's momentary, as are all instances of calm and chaos. The day was full. It started with a morning sit, some coffee roasting, a "pre-boarding" meeting (I love how the Tesla recharges on the return drive), a random thunder 'n rain moment out of knowhere, burgers with Mark & Wendy, and a bike ride topped off with Tommy finding us on our ride via his one-wheel. Then a call from Lauren. Life is good right now. The gratitude is warranted. Perhaps working, too.

"New Ride at Old Haunt"

I'm enjoying the new e-bike and feeling the result of getting movement for a few days. The pulled muscle on my right thigh directly correlates to my mounting approach! High kicks are not a part of my regular routines. Kelly and Velma came by last night for an impromptu visit, and we had a great time. We enjoy their character and always have very engaging conversations. Tommy was around for much of it, and it was rewarding to have him engaged, too, with primarily positive input and insight. He still has moments of condescension, but they are diminishing. I'm working gradually on parts of the book, with three chapters taking shape. It's a challenge, on numerous levels, to take a vision and pull a cohisine intimate narrative onto paper. But I will. I have to. Yet as usual, my attention span continues to bounce, either incidentally such as a recent faucet issue, or by choice, such as the e-bike and the idea of a podcast of local neighborhood back stories. I get way too many ideas. There week ahead will hopefully see the BMW being sold, some appointments being made, my mom's resumption of chemo, and my body adapting to biking again.

Are my days mundane? I feel like so many little moments might seem uneventful to others, but for me, to pay attention, even the simple moments like making a great breakfast, finding two yokes in one shell, or cooking bacon to a charred crisp is no big deal, when they are, All this nuanced inconsequential incidental experience is a wonder to have when you consider impermance, and that it could all conclude tomorrow. So going to restore with Jonathon or buying an e-bike from some guy in Santa Cruz and Mark helping tune it up before a lunch ride to Happy Hound, or going to Jon F's for a dinner and enjoying a Wright Station Chardonnay and an Onward whole-cluster Zinfindel all make for noteworthy remembrances.

Lizard eggs!

The morning sit has helped me maintain a more consistent practice. Distractions are still worse at home, but the 45 lead time being negated has been welcome. As has having a maintained presence. Next week, I will divide these between Deep Bows and Jikoji, as I have attachments to both. It's always rewarding to participate with each. I pushed back on the accounting need at Jikoji and would still like to be on the board. I got stuff from Costco earlier today, and we took it and a lovely Chardonnay to my mom, who's been given the ok to enjoy wine in moderation. I'm working on getting an e- bike from Santa Cruz tomorrow, I hope it comes together, as I have a feeling that might open up some great summer experiences and work as a cataly st to some creative writing' interests. I was reminded again tonight on a short ride with Mark that our routine daily attention is seldom focused on the wonder of our being at all, but when you stop and take it all in with a reverent and connected respect and gratitude, well, it can really hint of something grander at work. The evening ended with a text invitation to join Mary, Dean, and Tara for an upcoming Mt Winery concert-we are so in!

Has it been almost a week since I posted? Wow. Time flies when you're having fun. It's not that I've not been writing, just not posting. I have lost myself in narratives that I set aside for other uses. So, to just focus for now on milestones and memories, we saw "Inside Out 2" on Father's Day. I loved it, not quite as much as the first, but close. I drove Lauren to Sac, saw her place, get Gunthers. I stayed at Laura's with Matt there-quite the upgrade! It was pleasant and enjoyable. I returned with Lauren Mon AM for her eye appt. She, Jen, and I went to Pacifica and bought the energy monitor I wanted, but now I question its need. It might be overkill, but it might surface some further insight. I'm leaning towards passing it along to J. S. My mom's doing relatively well, and the living room painting got done with good results. Jen and I attended a wine tasting at Ancona Vino of "onward" wines. Great, fun, unique, and she made some new friends, too. I took the BMW to Fremont to meet Mike & his wife, possible buyers. Friendly folks who seem interested. Blocked mainly through not having the released title in hand. Argh. Mark found a possible e-bike for my consideration. I hope to make a decision tomorrow about getting it or not. Likely will. Other assorted stuff here/there, but for now, that's enough to get current. Whew!

Parenthood 20 ('24)

Telling the breadth of the story of the past several years requires a great deal of ongoing reflection and research. I earnestly intend to capture the truth in all I portray, which is quite challenging. It necessitates honesty and honor of the actions of all involved and their interests, intentions and impacts—positive and negative—myself included.

When Father's Day comes around each year, depending on so many parallel factors in each instance, I routinely feel a mix of gratitude, remorse, surprise, disappointment, elation, pride, and subtle nausea.

Twenty years in, today is no exception. Yet, as was the case for the nineteenth year prior, the reasons and perspectives have changed.

Impressive stitch alignment!

How it begins…

The dog (Scottie) woke me way too early. 40 min. Earlier than is the routine and, as I see it, the unspoken expectation. The mandate. A line they are forbidden to cross. I rolled with it. At first. Assuming it was, as has been the case in the past, a need for a bathroom break. I gave them both such and then, uncharacteristically, returned to bed. I Scottie's mind, food was an unspoken expectation: A mandate. So there was a standoff. I let them wait while I got some morning light and reflected on how that power struggle played out. I was actually frustrateld, which I know Is unreasonable, if not insane, to expect to have in the first place; I dove deep into this and tried to follow a thread of introspective inquisition. What specifically did I expect and not receive? Was it rational? Why would I find it frustrating when it made perfect sense that it was not? Where did this originate? What made me take it personally? It was an interesting exercise to take a step back in relative real-time to be more aware of impulse, ego, and insight. And, of course, I fed the dogs at the usual time and no sooner. In the spirit of continuing to hold space for non-tech-related tasks, I roasted coffee, cleaned and put away dishes and listened to an audiobook Lauren recommended. At first, I assumed the book was so I could understand some of her "soul-searching" endeavors, but I learned later that it is about something she recignizes a lot of in me! Ok, I'm open to being advised and informed. I'll roll with it. I'm listening. I had a minor surgery if you can even call it that, to dig out the small basil-cell cancer that was on my face. It was tiny. I was in 'n out in under an hour.

There's certainly something magical about a warm summer night riding bikes throughout the neighborhood at dusk and into the evening. There's also something poignant about reflecting on childhoods spent riding bikes while doing so, only on e-bikes. The two-wheel-rascal-scooter of our generation. To then happen upon an ice cream truck…, well come on!

It's another wonderful peaceful morning to be sitting on the patio, writing, processing the days priorities, aligning intention and striving to maintain calm while being well aware that the rest of this year and likely all of next will be spent navigating change. It's nothing new, unexpected or even really "bad" and so I am working to manage the calibration of my own outlook. This is life. And what I can't fix, change, prevent or undo with upset and anger, remorse or grief, is best accepted with gratitude to be able to experience at all. I have the opportunities to influence and inform, to understand, to aid, to support and to document.

Highlights: woke at 6:23, naturally, before the alarm. Sat Zazen for 40 min. CSAA step to register the car, and ir proved to be good to have brought Jen. worked further on the book, including chapter titles and other ideas that will likely evolve through numerous iterations. It'sthe process. went to visit my mom, talk through how she's feeling, and review her memedical benefits and care options. It's heartbreaking to try and imagine the experiences she is having going through this, emotionally. I still try to be stoic, but as this gets further along it will likely be harder to balance the knowledge of an inevitable ending with its actual occurance. Highlights started week two of his internship and all seems to stabilising. I hope. It's a big leap and challenge to navigate, I assume, It's been a good day overall. Although once in awhile, today included, I recall how we ended up living here and my being as involved in that entire process and now its on the horizon again this will likely be the new normal for the next decade or two. Until it's not.

Morning Stretch

I find it immensely beneficial to take time in the morning to avoid using distracting technology. Many articles and podcasts emphasize the science and advantages of managing our mornings to boost dopamine production while avoiding depletion by immediately diving into the overwhelming world of social media and technology addiction.

Our attention is a target for marketing and engineering, and breaking away from this routine takes effort, especially when scrolling endlessly can seem instantly gratifying. For a significant portion of Western society, social media has become a genuine addiction, living up to the term "mind-numbing." 

SQUIRREL FIGHT CLUB IN SESSION

I've finally started writing the first draft. I've had a rough outline and lots of notes and ideas about the plot for a while, and it's all coming together now. It's taken me years to realize that I'm not just the author and main character in my life, but also the hero. I'm humble enough to understand that others may see me as a victim or a perpetrator, but that's okay – everyone is the author of their own story. It's been a good start, and I was reminded today that when you focus on the small steps rather than the ultimate goal, you'll be surprised by the progress you've made. It's time to turn my words into actions and my aspirations into outcomes. This will be both fun and fulfilling, and it feels like the manifestation of my life's mission – to learn, grow, and sow. A Mel Robbins podcast and a Daily Stoic interview episode helped pushed me to consider my next steps more consciously. Meanwhile, great coffee, morning light, time with the dogs, Jennifer, remote interactions with Lauren, and in-person time with Tommy have all created the perfect environment for me to take this step with committed resolve.



Thrifting overload

It's finally cooling down enough that it's too cold to sit outside. The past week was pretty grueling, but at least I don't live in Sacramento. And at least for the week ahead, it appears today will be the brief respite, the exception. I took full advantage of it. Lovingly, Jen took on dog duty in the morning while I regained consciousness from nothing more than a rare deep sleep. By the time they were back, I opted to get up and start my day. According to Huberman, starting your day early has mental health benefits, so yeah, it's worth the effort. It does me good to start early. After a brief time spent writing on the patio, I decided to take my coffee and go for a drive, letting Jen sleep in. The coffee was weak, a disappointment. I'm thinking I miscounted scoops. I ended up back at home, where I was pleased to learn that the work I was releasing for others to manage was being managed well. I was relieved and feel really glad to be transitioning it. I took it on and maintained and evolved it, and now someone else gets a turn to make it even better; win-win. I did finish the draft newsletter and will certainly have some training to do, which I will do with grace and gratitude. I don't recall if I wrote about Lucky biting my toe (breaking the skin) while playing with the basketball. That dog seriously goes mental over it. It's nobody's fault but my own. It's healing well. And we did play again today, yet with more caution on my part. Jen and I went thrifting briefly. Tommy had a friend over, another intern, which was nice to be able to support and he seemed grateful that I didn't embarrass him. Scottie's issues with walking have subsided significantly. An evening walk to pick up the car. Seeing that the electric bill will definitely be less after all these efforts feels great.

It's brisk on the patio this morning. Mid 50's. It is not so cold that a long-sleeved T-shirt is necessary to remain here, although it would feel better. For a while, at least. Yet the chill brings an added sense of life to mind. The sensation is on the edge of inducing goosebumps for both physiological and emotional reasons. It's a simple soft reminder of being present, connected, and influenced by nature. Somehow, we appear to draw a line between ourselves as a species or individual, with all of nature on the other side. Physically, in our core, we are matter that will ultimately return to nature. Our bodies do not simply vanish when we die any more than the molecules that were the rain do when they evaporate into the air as moisture. It's all so seemingly cyclical, transitory and temporary. And our thoughts, our emotional experiences, from fear, regret, loss, love…, they too ebb and flow as our understanding and perspectives shift and change. About the only thing that seems consistent throughout all of nature, in as much as one might perceive throughout one's life span, is our baseline of permanent consciousness. Awareness. As in, "I think therefore I am". Am what? What or who is "I"? Over the course of a lifetime, our beliefs, ideas, ideals, values, understanding, desires, and opinions change. Maybe subtly, and at times significantly, they are as flexible and fluid as our bodies. Consciousness, however, that overarching presence and awareness, detached from our opinions, our desires, our identity even, seems innately permanent. At least at the individual level. If that is the case, and the "I" that thinks and therefore "is", is an independent and consistently present state of awareness witnessing the transitory and impermanent presence and experiences of a physical and emotional existence that we know to be limited, what might become of that "I" when the physical ceases to exist? At least in the conventional form, we recognize it as a life.

I suppose I have the doula to blame for it, but I have felt very grateful for life these past couple of days. Because of a short span of time spent in enthusiastic dialogue, relating to numerous shared insights and understandings, followed by a relaxing and reaffirming meditation, it felt like being as connected as I thought in my two visits to Boulder. Things felt realigned; what I have been trying to control is being released, or "returned," to the conscious, constant realization that our little control is merely our response. And that I, too, am aging, slowing, creaking, and obsessing about my own true ability to willingly let go when It's my turn. All of this is talk until I am the topic: my end. Then, it is about being an example. The manifestation of not only my potential but my ideal self. Self-aware. Deeply, with aspirations of being the example I would want to model. So, yeah, I have been enjoying this experience, this self-narrative Improv. I also managed to manifest some window film getting applied, a walk with J. S., and an assorted array of ad-hoc reaction actions. It's been too hot to do much else, but a bit of downtime here and there is my right to write. Writing truly does need to be my primary focus. It's reaching a boiling point.

It was a challenge this morning to constrain the runaway horses of thought when I first woke. That's not unusual and quite common when I get caught up in the dramas that might be unfolding around me, or within me. I managed to rein them in long enough to reflect simply on the fact that another day lies ahead. Although their stamping feet and braying continue, it's not consuming my attention or distracting me from finding my center of balance. My mom is struggling again from the treatments and, I suspect, the reality of her condition. Tommy started his 10-week internship at Stanford today. Outside of a brief tension yesterday which negatively impacted our dinner at Original Joe's with Jon, he's been cooperative and focused on the opportunity ahead. Scottie continues to make minor improvements, but I think one bad landing will undo it all. Like my mom, this is the new normal. Lauren called to chat again on Sunday and continues to work on her own set of introspections and realizations, which is wonderful to witness and share in. Jen returned today after 4 days in Indian Wells with Cheryl and Christy. I have a possible buyer for the BMW lined up to check it out next Saturday, and I hope that pans out. We stopped by to visit my mom after getting her at the airport, and I said I would start coming over on Tuesdays to help her with whatever, and Jen and I would come on Thursday evenings for weekly dinners. Her first desire is to clear books out and donate them to the library, which is fitting, given her having spent so much time there helping with book sorting. I am still being honest and direct with her about the realities because I see no point in pretending that this will get better. I want her to be aware of and consider what options may become necessities as this continues. It's a gift to be engaged even though there are times (especially during commute hours) that it's frustrating. Those are very short-lived incidents that I am working to reduce and eliminate. When this is all behind me I'll regret the loss of the inconveniences. I squeezed in a few home tasks of my own this afternoon - I put the UV-blocking film on Tommy's windows. It wasn't easy and there are a few areas I would like to do over, but this is an 80/20 call. It's good enough. I also fixed the poorly installed dog door and removed the plastic flap that seemed to be a barrier for Scottie. Tomorrow starts what looks like a four or five-day stretch of high 80s - low 90s temperatures. I am hoping some of my efforts to better manage to keep the house cool and the electricity costs down will pan out to be successful.

…and I'm back after a few days of reflection and introspection. I've realized that many of the challenges and inconveniences I face in my daily life are actually inevitable and natural. This realization has helped me focus on gratitude and acceptance. I recently read a passage from the "Daily Stoic" that touched on this concept, emphasizing that chaos and obstacles are part of the norm, and how we choose to navigate them is within our control. Reflecting on the past few days, I roasted and shipped a pound of beans to Steve and Diana, had meaningful conversations with Tommy as he prepares for his internship, and kept the house in order while Jen was away. I also gave away a bunch of mulch and replaced it with decomposed granite, which led to a surprising encounter with Tommy and Talon's friend during the delivery. I had a fun guys' night out at Pano and enjoyed a second night ride on ebikes into LG with Mark. Lauren and I had a deep conversation about her self-diagnostics  I'm supportive of her concerns and experiences. The Sangha meeting on Wednesday was frustrating due to a few disgruntled individuals who seemed disconnected from the group's current dynamics. Their misguided drama almost made me consider leaving the group. I firmly believe that there's no room for drama in dharma.