Fogrise, consolidated seasonal waste disposal

I was thrown waking up by the alarm being much lounder than usual which forced me to get up earlier than expected. And the phone wasn't in the bathroom which threw me as well. I eventually found that Jen brought it out thinking it was hers and left it on the headboard. Once up I enjoyed going about the usual routines, although the mediation was promoting an old favorite concept – mix it up. Try something different. I'll have to give that some consideration. The walk was good. Brisk, as was the weather due to a low dense fog. My workday was demanding, busy, challenging at times but rewarding at the end. I got a bit snippy in the PM and pushed back on MM for pressing me to present a schedule that's not clear yet. It just annoyed me becuase it's a peeve, yet he's trying to do damage contbecause i get that. Ran Lauren to Ortho and back. Finshed work late and went to SRC to see Linda. Could not wake her, could not get her to open her eyes, could not get any response, and my feelings about this are all very complex and complicated. It's feeling like she's gone from our reach now but I still have to act as if she might hear Lauren or I or Tommy all the same. I'll be working hard again tomorrow trying to get some boundaries around the critical tasks. I may work from Panorama to mix it up and get some ideas there about next steps as well.
Health: Weight: 162 (+2.5) 7d avg: 158.47 (+0.54) | Steps: 7300 | Heart Rate: 57

Passing

I've been doing it wrong for decades. "Work/Life Balance" isn't about being 100% work-centric from 9-6 M-F and 100% life-focused at all other times. It's not about being on one or the other side of the line at any given moment. it's about walking it, like a tightrope, without falling off onto either side. That's perhaps not an epiphany for others but it's something I lose sight of too frequently.

Jen and I made an early AM run to Costco, solo. We wanted time to browse alone. But I also tend to bristle after too much browsing. I'm inclined to get what I need and look around at only a few sections (Wine, for example) but I'm not one to go up and down each aisle, looking for something I didn't come for. We went early, the pre-opening time when it's typically already open, and roamed a bit. We got all we needed and more (expected). This week she's helping a friend kick-start a keto program, just like she did for me. I'm so grateful for her help in my getting as much traction as I did and I'm glad she's being recognized and engaged to help our friend out, too. For me, I'm managed well with maintenance and this weekend was a pretty big deviation with a couple of back-to-back dinners that are going to require my focus and discipline throughout the week in order to stay within my self-imposed range. It's actually a great exercise. I'm heading into it with a bit of a 'testing' mindset. I've managed things well so far, let's see how flexible I can be stepping outside of my more rigid routines. I'm already up 2lb this morning and expecting the same tomorrow, but a return to the keto routine for the next 4-5 days will be pretty informative. Tommy had a hockey game today, the first in a while, and we attended. Then we ran to watch a football game at Jon & Cheryl's, enjoying good wine, awesome wings and grilled veggies with blue cheese and avocado that were on par with the finest restaurant experience. Returned home, prepared for the early morning routine to resume at 6 am. It was a good weekend. I am grateful to have had the time with Jen, family and friends. I have a full workday tomorrow and anticipate going to see Linda with Lauren after her Ortho appointment.
Health: Weight: 159.5 (+2.1) 7d avg: 158.16 (+0.19) | Steps: 5813 | Heart Rate: 63

I took Friday off and did well as staying off. I walked with Lauren even though I was tempted to take a break. It was a good walk, they always are. She got her updated contact prescriptions and went up a level in both eyes. They're more complicated to put on but I know practice will help. In the end, it's a good step towards her independence and improved vision. A text exchange in the Linda Core Care group resulted in some collaboration with Kathy D and setting forth that visits are suspended for all but myself and the kids until the covid outbreaks are less concerning. We had dinner earlier this week with Adam and the kids at Dry Creek and Jen and I had dinner with Marya and Rosendo at Town in San Carlos tonight. Two 'fine dining' experiences were a bit costly but both were celebrations of sorts – family and friendship. Jen and I also met with a few leads on kitchen remodeling over the past few days and we're narrowing down our ideas while expanding our information. Ended the night watching the 1947 noir film "Nightmare Alley" in advance of seeing the recent remake in theaters now. Tomorrow's goal is some driving time for Lauren, a hockey game for Tommy and hanging out with nearby friends for the Superbowl game. I've managed to keep on track with my 'maintenance' program so far which is encouraging, as is learning that I've apparently inspired a friend of ours to reach out to Jen for her help in getting on the same path. 
Health: Weight: 157.4 (-0) 7d avg: 157.97 (-0.11) | Steps: 5108 | Heart Rate: 56
Actions: Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship

No News Is Good News

We are 11 months into Linda’s 9-12 projected life span. As I understand it, given the severity of this sort of tumor, only 5% of patients survive past that timeline. 99% of those that do, don’t see month 18. Approaching this milestone while witnessing her declining responsiveness to us feels like laying restlessly awake in bed, knowing and dreading that the alarm is eventually going to sound, routinely glancing at the time and wondering if you still have enough time to get your agitated mind to settle enough that you can get a bit more rest and peace. All while anticipating that if you do, you’ll likely get just to the deepest point of relaxation the moment you are dramatically yanked back into a shocking state of awareness by the sound of the alarm going off. Or, in this case, the phone ringing.

I recently spent a little time going back through my journal entries. I’m so grateful that I’ve managed to maintain enough focus and discipline to do so, as it’s filled with details and nuances of this experience that I would otherwise have lost to the elements and nuances of the present. Not to mention being cathartic.

On the heels of her diagnosis and surgery, the hard truth remains that there has never been a point at which any progress or updates have been relatively “good” news. There have been surprises and perceived improvements throughout this arduous and grueling process. After almost one whole week of the post-operative need to physically restrain her to prevent her thrashing attempts to get up, and her non-stop crying out for help as the medical team shared never having seen this last so long and fears that this might be her baseline going forward, she started to come out of that and gradually become more capable of understanding and cooperating through her recovery. That was “good” news. When she was released from rehabilitation and able to return home, albeit, with limited motor skills and needing 24x7 oversight, that too was “good” news. Exploring and attempting to manage and hopefully stop or slow the growth of the inoperable sections of the tumor that remain through Chemotherapy and finding the opportunity to have her moved to an assisted living facility was “good” news as well.

This has been a mixed blessing. Friends and family, myself included, have had a chance to show her love and support and to indirectly say their goodbyes through their visits and actions. Her spirits were clearly lifted by the numerous visits, the routine assistance with appointments, deliveries of home-cooked meals and multiple pints of various ice cream flavors each week. Laughter, care and compassion rained on her throughout this entire horrible ordeal. All “good” aspects of experiences shared as an otherwise bad scenario played out.

But no news has been “good” news when no news changes the realities of what’s happening. Ultimately, all of this good news was saying that the ship was still sinking, it’s 100% going under, and there’s nothing that can or will change that. It’s just not happening as quickly as it could have.

Experiencing all of this while trying to stay truly present, mindfully comprehending and recognizing the true full weight of it all in each moment as well as over the span of the full year, remains surreal. The kids and I have now lost the option and opportunity to have any further interactions or the more honest and direct closure we were never able to have. We have reached a point of acceptance and anticipation that the longer this draws out for either of us. For, each day brings risks of numerous unpleasant scenarios that come with this disease and will make her final days all the more traumatic. For us, we live in a suspended state. We’ve had 11 months now to go through all five stages of grieving, resolving conflicts, and setting aside historical drama in order to prioritize care and compassion. Now, we’re antici-pacing back and forth in the waiting room, hoping that the next message we receive will be that of her peaceful release from this without further hardship, allowing us to also close this chapter with as much peace as we can.

Time Management

I had a brief and sincere text exchange with a friend in early January that has been replaying in my head sporadically since. She had expressed some thoughts and perspectives in a social media post that initiated my reaching out. Her reply echoed and validated many of the conflicting views and challenging questions I have wrestled with for many years, all the more significantly throughout these past 11 months.

Common Sense
It may feel sometimes like the world has lost its mind, but maybe we've just lost touch with common sense.

Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/a-mindful-moment/id1441828050?i=1000549012430

Smash n Grab at Philz. Fucking scumbags. Inexcusable.

I'm finally carving out a slice of time to reflect on the past few days. Although nothing technically "significant" took me off the daily journal path, plenty of things made me tired enough to just not put the time in. Sosumi. I walked this am with Lauren since I had to not go on Monday. Monday AM was the AtticElite visit to clean out the entire attic and replace it with top-tier insulation. One of three 'blocker' milestones are now behind us as far as getting the house back into an inhabitable state, the crawlspace moisture barrier, and the "big rock" task to remodel the kitchen are next. It's going to be a few months still, and that's fine; we need to get it right as we won't be doing it again.

I made a decision today after a great deal of in-depth deliberation and direct discussion with the CEO and CFO at work to turn down an offer elsewhere and lock into care2 for the next year or two as we work, hopefully, closer and more collaboratively, to hit some goals and reach a point of liquidity. It was a tough decision to make, given the years of uncertainty, anxiety and frustration I've experienced. Still, the recent change and expansion of my role and the competitive retention play have made it easier to remain in place and put the effort I'd have otherwise have wrestled with towards ramping up in a new position to make things work more effectively and successfully where I am. If things go well, the rewards would be substantial. It's gratifying to have had gone through 6 interviews with seven people and be offered a position. But right now, the year ahead is one that I am not looking to complicate with something as demanding as a new role in a new company would require. Marya was graceful and perhaps grateful too that she'd not have to hear me complain if I didn't like it :-). But yeah, a gratitude dinner with the Gomez clan is on the horizon. Tommy and I visited Linda, and in parallel, Kathy and I had a call with Dr. Silva. Her condition is a definite downward change and consistent. It's getting harder to get any connection or response, but almost once per visit, something gets said, one word like 'yes,' out of numerous attempts. It's getting more emotionally grueling to witness what I can only refer to as her disappearance. When I take this whole experience at 'face value,' it's a sad ending to a life, but when I put what I know about her, our history, her own, and her fears and anxieties, it's brutally tragic and unfair. While on another related note, Jen's son is SJ bound, as I type. His father has abused and belittled him to the point that he's coming to get some distance. It's a sad pattern that indicates a family with narcissistic entitlement issues that are at least being shut down by one of his kids. I'm happy that we have the opportunity to let him stay at Panorama for a few days while he figures out his next steps. Brenda Chastine texted Linda after the winter ball and I responded from her phone and shared the news with her tonight. There's likely a lot of that to come. Jen and I met Mark and his General Contractor friend Randy to talk about the kitchen tonight. Good guy, knowledgeable and experienced. We still have homework to do and decisions about what routes we take to get this done and possibly financed, but at a minimum I feel good about his role in demolition remodeling needs. Had a great catch-up text exchange with Mary H. Sunday night. I'd not heard from her for a while and it was good to connect. I want to maintain and build more genuine honest connections for whatever time remains. Especially as I age and start to witness more decline and loss amongst these treasured few. I'm grateful to have a job working with a team I've worked with for 10+ years now in many cases. They're like family to me. I maintain a professional distance but I really do appreciate them all in that way.

Health: Weight: 158.2 (0) 7d avg: 158.8 (-0.26) | Steps: 7186 | Heart Rate: 60
Actions: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

Winter Ball'ers
Slept in for a couple of hours for a change, and felt great doing so. Went to Cafe Dio in LG with Lauren and Jen for coffee/croissants. Went to Panorama where Tommy helped with the cleaning while Jen and Lauren went through more clothes and I worked on a few more 'hit list' tasks. Then I tried for the 3rd time to set up the thermostat without success and OMFG is it frustrating. It really is hard to not get angry when I'm doing all I should and following directions without success. Tommy and I visited his mom, briefly, and she said "hi" at the outset after a long effort to wake her. Jen and I met with the Home Depot rep at Pano to discuss kitchen remodel. It was exhausting. I have a low threshold for what feels like a sales pitch and frankly, being in that house and seeing all the shit that has to be done to make it livable is traumatic considering I lived through it and my kids were damaged by it too. I just don't know how we're going to get through this. I have to, but it's really challenging me. We ended the day by going to get photos of Tommy and his date Lauren C. before they went to the Winter Ball. I hope they're having a great time, it's rewarding to see him going out and experiencing these milestones. I'm hoping to have more downtime tomorrow as today was spent, as is the case, doing more than I planned. And my stress level is high due to all that's needing to be balanced. I'm grateful for little moments of awareness of the most subtle moments in my day. Even the simple visual experience of watching cream being poured into coffee as it swirls and blends into a uniform color is something I find rewarding to consciously recognize as an enjoyable experience.  
Health: Weight: 158.2 (-1.2) 7d avg: 159.675 (-0.29) | Steps: 3920 | Heart Rate: 60
Actions: Gratitude Action Friendship Family

"Now, don't be sad…."

A good walk with Lauren, even though there were lingering tensions over the whole blow-up the previous night. The 'stoic' mindset is working well for me in this regard. Work was engaging and focused as it has been. Lunch with Marlin got punted out due to some autoimmune issues. That's disconcerting. I ended up having a direct conversation with Donna instead about the possibilities and my ideas about growth options. I'm hoping to have that conversation Monday before I talk to Tempo.

I had a good call with Jeff this afternoon, discussing all of the things on my plate for 2022 and concerns. Ultimately it's not a deal-breaker. I'm thinking about the options in total including a possible CPO target and a transition to proda uct-based focus. I have some more thinking to do. I spent lunch at SRC revisiting Linda, solo this time. She was the same as last night, but at least today, she was not hunched to the right. She was still not responsive, still a deep sadness in her eyes (interpretive on my part). The only utterance was a stunning surprise. I said "Hey Linda" suddenly as a thought came into my mind and she replied, "Hey Geoff." That was validating, as it's been some time since I could get her to say my name. Yet there it was. Beyond that point, before or after, nothing but painful stares or looking away. I have started conversations with her sister about the 'final steps.' The evening was initially going to be just Jen and I having some downtime, but Mark and Wendy invited us to come to hang out, which we did.
I'm looking forward to a well-paced day tomorrow without too many demands on my time for a change. 
Gratitude: The option to talk to a company and have them interested in my being on their team.
Health: Weight: 159.4 (-1.4) 7d avg: 159.65 (+0.2) | Steps: 7239 | Heart Rate: 68
Actions: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

Work was good, Tempo call went well and I should have more details tomorrow to consider over the weekend. The kids and I went to see Linda and I was fighting back the tears at one point after watching each of them taking turns feeding her and watching how very distant and uncommunicative she has become. The harsh, hard reality is becoming unbearable to witness. It's awful. She barely made any eye contact, the only response we got during the entire visit was a single head nod and one grunt in response to a question. Just blank stares the rest of the time. The kids are starting to show signs of upset in different ways - sadness and anger. She looked so lost, so sad, so incapacitated, and so resigned. I have no idea what's actually going on in her head but if she's at all conscious and aware of her surroundings and circumstances then it is indeed her worst nightmare, as it would be mine. There's nothing I can do to change this and some timely meditations came my way tonight through happenstances touching on that very concept. Stoicism. Mindfulness about what we can't change and the futility of suffering instead of accepting. That's a tall order when you're a highly sensitive person and empathy is core to your nature. I really have only two possible options: turn away or face this head on and out of honor and integrity only one of those options is the acceptable course for me. I started this path almost 8 months ago with a conscious intention to be engaged and involved in every possible aspect of what's playing out for her. I can't express how very challenging that is becoming with her recent decline. And I have increasing anxiety that the weeks to come may bring even more truly heartbreaking scenarios and possible suffering too. But I will see this through.

Goals_Anticipation: Lunch with Marlin tomorrow and hopefully some frank dialog about 2022 and growth potential.

Gratitude: I'm having good success with my effort to maintain my weight and I'm grateful I have kept that focus.

Health: Weight: 159.4 (-0.6) 7d avg: 159.475 (+0.2) | Steps: 5300 | Heart Rate: 63

Actions: Mediation Presence Gratitude Action Family

I stop every chance I get to stop and smell the purple ones—worth every second.

Lauren and I had a good morning walk. I took a stance against legacy weekly meeting protocol at work, refusing to continue a time-consuming practice. Instead, I moved the ball forward using simplified reporting and a shared screen with Kanban boards as we do in daily scrums. I think it will work, but it is not a change made by force as much as persistence. Scottie might have hurt his neck or back, as he was 'off' all day. I worked hard today, again, including into the evening, on continued improvements around my managing the product side of the business.

My Tempo call got moved to tomorrow, but I'm well prepared with data points and metrics that may play in my favor. This is going to be a challenging decision to make, I suspect. The "milestone" of the day is Tommy's earlier mention of having visited his mom and that "…you might want to go see her", along with my recent observations being validated by two others tonight. She's declining in the realm of responsiveness. Tommy called me tonight after being with friends and expressed his struggles with the situation. He asked if I wanted to go on a ride in his rental car, and I did. We went to see his mom, but things were closed up and locked. We agreed we would go tomorrow and take her dinner. We talked more. We went by my mom's and talked there too. This is going to be hard for him, me, and Lauren. It's getting really 'real' again. We're starting to brace for this to end, hopefully as peacefully as we can hope. However, she is still eating, so we're not talking days but weeks from my understanding. Still, it's happening, and the clock is ticking louder than it has been. Tonight I suggested dinner tomorrow with her as we left my mom's. Tommy said, "what do we do if we only have 14 more dinners together? I said we make sure to be there while we can.
Goals_Anticipation: See Linda with both kids tomorrow for dinner, and perhaps go earlier to see Dr. Silva.
Gratitude: My son's trust in me and the opportunity to help him through something few should face at 18.
Health: Weight: 160.8 (+0.8) 7d avg: 159.55 (+0.11) | Steps: 6454 | Heart Rate: 61
Actions: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Family

Yesterday's follow-up visit for Lauren's contact was amazing. She's already seeing better with the first round of replacements and it's expected to continue with further refinements.  On the drive home, Lauren was commenting about how dramatic the difference was for her, and she's seeing things she never could see before. It's wonderful news and she's as happy as you might expect. It will help with driving too. Work was good, a full day and lots going on. I Saw Linda at lunch. Today was the first time since before Morphine that she felt "unreachable". It's getting difficult, emotionally, to not be feeling like she's 'there' at all. I know it's inevitable it's just upsetting in the grand scheme of life. It's getting really 'real' and yet still feels surreal. 
Goals_Anticipation: Tempo Talk tomorrow.
Gratitude: The understanding and support of Jennifer, and the confidence I have in what we share.
Health: Weight: 160 (+0.6) 7d avg: 159.45 (0) | Steps: 6487 | Heart Rate: 64
Actions: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Family

Taking Stock - Still A Mitchell

It's only fitting that I recovered this book while clearing and cleaning out the house on Panorama Way a few weeks ago, on Monday, January 3rd, considering that two days later would have marked his 88th Birthday.

I forgot I even had this book. I forgot about many things I had left at Panorama. Over the past 8+ years, every once in a while, something would trigger the recollection of having once had an item and no longer knowing where it went. Like my childhood baseball mitt, which I also found there recently. That mitt, I remembered having had and lost, but this book, a “Roget's Thesaurus”, upon which my father scribed his first initial and his full last name, went entirely forgotten. I could have and likely would have not thought about or seen it again were it not for the circumstances that led to my focus on cleaning the house out.

If I did ever see that book again it would have been many years later and still subject to the fate of having been packed into one of literally 40+ boxes and bins. Easily over one-hundred books including this were removed from her inherited antique french bookcase during the recent floor replacements going on just before and then during her hospitalization. Had she not fallen ill, all of those books along with Roget’s may have remained sealed in those same boxes until the house eventually sold. I would venture to guess that they would have been moved to storage and perhaps discovered long after my death by our kids in the hopefully distant future.

But that’s not what happened. Her tumor happened, as did my pressing for the completion of the flooring work, coordinating and accepting the return of a wall of boxes and the bookcase, and our going through and giving away all of those books, with a few exceptions. Irregularities. Departures. Inconsistencies. Special cases.

Of course, finding this book and seeing his name written on the edge trigged recollections and reflections right before his birthday. I've lived long enough now not to expect he'd have lived long enough to see that day. 88 years is a long time. Statistically, it appears 60-80 is about the average range for a male born in 1943, the low end of which he came short of by 6 full years.

How does my father’s relationship with me compare to that between myself and my kids? I think of that often. What aspects of his character and parenting methods have I adopted and carried forward? What did I never want to do, and perhaps still did, or did not? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the echoes of him come unconsciously streaming out of me in both positive and cringe-worthy ways. What did I learn from and want to avoid? How will my kids reflect back on and think of me decades after my own death? What will they miss, forgive, forget, or regret?

I have a banker’s box in my garage. I took it early last year from my mom’s house. It’s filled with hundreds of records and documents my mom retained related to him, to their counseling, their divorce, communications. When I took them from her, we talked about them, her recollections and her opinions which I have always had to balance with my own perspectives. I skimmed through them briefly but I have yet to sit down and focus on reviewing them. I think it would be fascinating to get more “first-hand” information that might shed more light on their very contentious marriage. Yet being stuck in the garage has validated the age-old adage of “out of sight, out of mind.”

My and Linda's laptops are both loaded with correspondences, private notes and journal entries, negative and positive, that will reflect the varied sides of our own marriage and divorce story. That itself is a similar set of archives to those I possess. And someday, my kids will likely have an opportunity to sift through them as well, and likely gain more insight into she and I, and her, and I.

I am still learning about my parents, and theirs, and our family history, even at 60. As mentioned in another post, my last name should, theoretically, be “Stockstill”. That’s our real family name. Yet as regal sounding as that name sounds, I’m content to be a “Mitchell”, as was my father and his father before him. It’s all I’ve ever known and it’s working just fine.

As I’ve aged and experienced more, every backstory of drama and intrigue begins to feel more sensational than sensical. History is subjective and perspectives are skewed with bias. What my mother and my father’s first wife have taught me is that two people can have vastly different memories and opinions. The same would hold true today, for me, when talking to Jennifer, Linda, or any number of people whose path I’ve either carved, groomed, sullied or cut short.

I expect that when my kids have the opportunity to look back, review and reflect on everything they’ll have access to, from photos to writings to even this post, their memories of our time together will be positive ones. Albeit likely peppered with things I did that they’ll consciously avoid repeating, or repeat without realizing it, until a decade or so later when they come across an artifact that’ll serve as a reminder on the 30th of June, 2049.

"Oh, let us turn our thoughts today

To Martin Luther King

And recognize that there are ties between us

All men and women living on the Earth

Ties of hope and love

Sister and brotherhood

That we are bound together

In our desire to see the world

Become a place in which our children

Can grow free and strong

We are bound together by the task

That stands before us

And the road that lies ahead

We are bound, and we are bound"

https://music.apple.com/us/album/shed-a-little-light/169612785?i=169613343

Lauren and I visited Linda this morning around 9.30. She was asleep and wearing a bib which indicates that she was fed, but I did not think to ask if she had eaten or not until after we left. It was very difficult to wake her up. She made eye contact but drifted too. We only got a word or two out of her. This matches my recent experiences and if this is now her baseline, she has sadly declined. This path has been a brutal one, emotionally, to ride out the ups and downs of her symptoms. I hesitate to speculate given that I did not anticipate her surviving this long, but this does fall into the pattern we've been told to expect. I need to check with SRC about her eating pattern. We returned to Matson, got Jen and spent the first half of the day tackling further efforts to clean Panorama. We put the leaves on the table and set up a better sorting area. I tackled clearing off and cleaning the black shelves, moving them outside to hose down and dry, and I got all the Christmas stuff into the rafters for the time being. Moving the shelves opened space for the wine cellar I found on craigslist and purchased. I'm really happy to have found a good deal on what should be a good way to preserve the wine collection we've built. Lauren and Jen went through her room and sorted out so much. It's consistently touching to see how they work together and how genuinely positive their relationship is. Lauren ordered Jersey Mike's before work but it turned out, from the location by In n Out, so we had to run there and back. We did so with time to spare. Jen and I dropped off the clothes in the clothes bin on Kirk and returned home for the remainder of the afternoon/evening. We opened and consumed most of a 2017 BYO Bordeaux that was wonderful. We're going to enjoy that new bottling we'll be picking up with friends in February. Brian wrote to share that his dad's had another incident. Sigh. I don't know what to say any more about that beyond hoping for the best for both of them. This isn't something a son should have to manage. Tommy called to check in and sounded tired but rested.

Goals_Anticipation: Starting back on my routines tomorrow regardless of the holiday, and getting more done at Matson for a change.

Gratitude: Lauren's good nature, insight, maturity, and attitude.
Health: Weight: 159.4 (+1.4) 7d avg: 159.3 (+0.09) | Steps: 5587 | Heart Rate: 66
Actions: Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

Retro Active

The more I watch my kids grow into adults, the more I think my epitaph should read "Do As I Said, Not As I Did."

Tommy's in Tahoe, so Jen and I and Lauren had a relaxing day together. We drove up to and had breakfast at Alice's in La Honda. It was crowded, but it's a great spot, and the drive up is lovely. We made a "spur of the moment" decision to delay our plans to work on Panorama. We took off towards the coast, taking in the fresh air, sunshine, good music and no destination. Once we hit the beach, we returned up another route I'd never taken in all these years, winding our way into Ben Lomand. We passed through a good patch of the areas that burned a couple of years ago in one of the more substantial wildfires. The trees were still scorched, and the smell of burnt wood remains even now. Once we made it to Hwy 9, we went into Boulder Creek and stopped at an antique shop called "SWAG," which I became aware of this past week while looking at mid-century modern furniture, particularly stereo consoles. I have regretted for many years not having grabbed the one I came across at the Goodwill in Santa Cruz as we browsed the stores, an album cover at the front right of a series of boxes filled with albums caught my eye. That it was so "front and center" was a blessing.

$1 and change later, I had "back in my possession" the 3rd LP I ever owned in my youth, taking its place alongside "Sound Magazine" and "Wonderfulness" when we returned home. How fun it might be to one day put these on and play them again. Jen and I went and talked to Home Depot about kitchen remodeling and got lots of helpful information and ideas. It's the first of at least three planned efforts as we educate ourselves on the costs, lead times, and variable aspects of updating the kitchen. They binge-watched a slew of "Cobra Kai" episodes and door dashed frozen yogurt while I worked on to-to items, including revisiting how we need to refine our finances for 2022.
Goals_Anticipation: Visit Linda in the am with Lauren, see any further changes in either direction, work at Pano for the am and at Matson on filings and storage tasks in the PM.
Gratitude: The experiences shared with Jen and Lauren are ones I know they both value, and I'm grateful that I know they know that in return.
Health: Weight: 160.2 (+2.2) 7d avg: 159.225 (+0.2) | Steps: 4406 | Heart Rate: 59
Actions: Presence Gratitude Calm Family

Frosted Dandilion

Walked with Lauren at a speed pace, enough to trigger my Apple Watch to record it as exercise and not a 'walk'. Good work day, very engaged and dynamic day filled with sudden turns and demands to adapt. The team dynamic is great. I'm still working on relinquishing leadership to Richard. My confidence in my role and contribution is high. Tempo wants to talk further and i have some decisions to make soon. Tommy headed to Tahoe for a ski outing. Basin dinner was good but not as good as the geek outing. The menu changed and I was disappointed. The 2012 Ridge Zin was excellent, though. Picked up Lauren, stopped at Crumbl to try their cookies. Good but too much icing and too undercooked IMO. Looking forward to sleeping in and the plans with Lauren and Jen for the day, including Alice's and Pano and HomeDepot.

Health: Weight: 158 (-2) 7d avg: 159.175 (-0.26) | Steps: 7562 | Heart Rate: 66
Actions: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

Am I alone in thinking that email addresses, as a standard protocol, should NOT be capitalized? If so there are way too many online forms that default to the 1st letter being upper case. It's annoying me. Stop it.

And then, the lightning cable starts charging the phone again.

I woke naturally around 5.30 am. I lingered until the alarm went off and started my day with the usual routines. I did not walk with Lauren, and although I intended to write, I don't recall what I did, but it wasn't that. I'd rate work engagement as "B", I had to juggle distractions including a dr appt. I went to SRC after my meetings ended. Linda was far less responsive than I've seen her previously, including last night with Lauren and me. It might just be a matter of timing, but it might also be further progression. It's too early to tell. I will return tomorrow to talk to the doctor. Hung with the guys for Virtual GNO. Hopefully, we'll go public again soon. Jen and I have plans for tomorrow that we can't break gracefully. I'm a bit nervous about the risks but I'll take all the precautions I can.

Gratitude: My health, a functioning body, sight, hearing. Sure I'm aging and things have and will wear down but it beats the alternative. 
Health: Weight: 158 (-2) 7d avg: 159.55 (-0.43) | Steps: 4014 | Heart Rate: 61
Actions: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship

Stunning Visuals. Powerful and evocative.

Kwikset Back / Orange Sky, Yellow Tree Trunk

I am feeling really good about the day. I started on a sour note of my own making, being irritated about having to manage to ensure the return of my debit card from Tommy, which he needed to borrow yesterday, and it fell on me to remember to chase it down and get it back. I'm not a fan of adding to my plate, of late. I anticipated disrespect, disregard and just plain dissing, but he was responsive and responsible. It ended up being left at Panorama, and I got it back. It was interesting to dissect the process later with Jen, reflecting on triggers, anticipation based on experience, and the welcome surprise of cooperation. I fear at times I'm too quick to react, while others that I'm too tolerant and forgiving. There's a balance somewhere between that would be easier to find if the scales were not constantly tipping. I had some excellent meetings throughout the morning, including my 2nd "Product Status," where my revamped approach was met with appreciation. AtticElite came to survey the needs and gave me an initial quote that was later reduced after I pointed out some square footage anomalies and pressed for better pricing. I will lock in and schedule once I confirm it's not stupid to do before the kitchen cabinets are replaced, and the pantry is removed. I took a short break and pulled the 2nd attempt at the Kwikset Smart Lock. Conceptually, it's a dream. In reality, at least for me, it's been a nightmare. The 2nd installation was infuriating and only done to get the HomeKit version installed for automation it subsequently failed to do. It also kept locking when it should not. The unreliability and noise it made were enough for me to say "fuck it" for the time being. I'll revisit the idea when higher priority needs are managed. I also wrestled with the thermostat but stopped fighting a losing battle after numerous failed attempts to replicate what works at Matson. It's often ironic that I might spend 60 minutes trying to save 15-30 seconds a day at best. I took Lauren to SRC to visit Linda. She was asleep, woke, greeted us in return, and was primarily quiet but did make eye contact. I tested out a report that she would 'sing along to "Take It Easy," and sure enough, she did! Not perfectly or accurately, but following along in time with the words. I thought that was fascinating because it shows long-term memory AND the capabilities to engage and "speak" (sing) ahead. At the same time, questions are seldom answered with more than one or two words. It's something I hope to talk to Silva about tomorrow. The whole situation remains heartbreakingly sad and tragic. At times, tonight being one of them, I look into her eyes and try my best to comprehend consciously and acknowledge the moment along with the reality that she will never get better, never recover, never leave that building. That this is "it." After almost 11 months, her condition's a hard reality, and terminal significance has been softened by her continued presence, along with patterns and routines that have made this the "new normal." But it's not, and she will be gone forever in the likely near future. I do all I can to keep that in mind. Even though we know it will happen, it won't make it easier when it does. The progress on the house clearing has helped in many ways. Jen's been so understanding and supportive of all of us, and even she expressed an awareness of the sadness of this as she helps us go through somebody else's life and all the possessions. It's an incredibly sobering experience. It makes me appreciate not only the experiences I shared with Linda regardless of the negatives and difficulties, but it makes me look at my kids and Jennifer with a far greater appreciation than I knew I could have. And the same for every day. Well, I still have shitty ones for most days, and hey, that's ok. I am grateful to work with the people I work with. There are so many dedicated, bright, enthusiastic and committed players on this team. I can't talk credit for their character, but I do like to think the environment I have fostered all these years, almost 11, has played a part. 

Health: Weight: 160 (0) 7d avg: 159.925w (-0.14) | Steps: 7566 | Heart Rate: 59

Lucky's eyeballing the action from afar. "Are you gonna eat that?"

I had a good walk with Lauren yesterday morning and a conversation with Kathy on the way regarding Austin's stay and his upset over Lauren pointing out some history about his Grandfather that he was not comfortable hearing. It's an interesting dynamic. I hope to explore it elsewhere. I worked from Panorama for part of yesterday, awaiting a plumber that showed after I left, but they still addressed the need. I was there again today and will be there again tomorrow for another Attic quote. It's hard balancing work and doing these things. I'm losing a bit of the grip and traction I gained on work tasks due to trying to parallel thread this non-work stuff. It's just not possible. I know it. I had a great call with Tempo today and feel optimistic about the possibilities. I may have a tough decision to make. I found and bought an iPhone XR off Craigslist last night. I'm still getting used to the size change from the 7. I think I might have been happier with a 12 mini as far as something I carry around, however, when playing Cardz tonight with the usual gang, it was a pleasant surprise to have a larger screen. I'm still wrestling with the aftershocks of migration, although it's gotten smoother than my last experience. I have completely stalled on in-progress writing. I feel like my attention and focus are to blame, the same as is the case for work tasks. I feel like I'm not "seeing" anybody lately as far as time and engagement with the dogs, kids, Jen. I'm perpetually distracted or have been. Knowing it is a good step towards managing it.
Goals_Anticipation: GNO tomorrow – moved to online instead of in-person given the surge of Covid cases lately.
Gratitude: I really adore our dog. He's been such a joy and has such character. I live conscious of his mortality, it crosses my mind almost weekly. It keeps me appreciative of the time we have until then, hopefully many more years.

Health: Weight: 160 (+0.2) 7d avg: 159.925 (0) | Steps: 4530 | Heart Rate: 62
Actions: Mediation Gratitude Calm Action

Not one of my finest days today. A buildup of pressure, the weight of being at Panorama cleaning and clearing and reliving levels of overwhelm, mixed with technical glitches and frustrations, put me into a panic attack. I ended up slamming my phone down, and yeah, the screen didn't crack. It just doesn't come on at all. And nothing adds to my sense of overwhelm other than the stress-induced self-inflicted wound that causes me to spend the rest of my day managing all of the ripple effects of having said technology and all of its dependencies cause endless reverberating frustrations. My own doing, quickly admitted, and I'm still kicking myself for getting sidelined. I have been doing so well, but this just was a perfect storm. And ultimately, there's something to learn, or perhaps remember, as being present and conscious of the bigger picture, that the little shit doesn't warrant the attention I might give it. It's also got me rethinking some recent obsessions and immersions that might be taking my attention away from more significant priorities. Just because I can doesn't mean I should. Focus is critical this year if goals are to be achieved, including living a fuller life and letting go of the transitional interests. Enough said for now.

Uvas Reservoir. 1 month ago, it was strikingly empty. Drought? What "Drought"?

This was a good day. I woke early, enjoyed some quiet, focused time and meditation before heading to Panorama with Jen and Scottie. Mark was coming to pick up the rest of the books and return the boxes. Jen met Joan, and Scottie was out of sorts over the change of scenery. Typical. We didn't stay long after, returned to Matson, and took some donations to Hope with Lauren. I threw together a simple picnic of meat, cheese, fruit, and crackers, and we went to Martin Ranch for some solo time. We talked over ideas about the house and our futures, and then we dove into the wine tasting. I enjoy their wines so much. We had to pick up a quarterly allotment as it was but had also decided to invest in a case of the 2017 Sangiovese because it's just such a great bottle. Their 2018 Bordeaux blend, though, which is their annual "bottle your own" offering, was terrific as well. I expect we'll be getting that when it's available too. We will need to get a wine refrigerator at this point. It was a wonderful welcome break for us. I went to see Linda in the evening. She was awake. Her TV was on, but I don't know if she was watching it. She said "Hello, Geoff" when I said "Hello." I visited for about 30+ minutes, mostly spent in silence, just sitting with her. She was looking into my eyes more than usual but saying nothing. I asked if she was scared, and she nodded, "yes." It was a heartbreaking visit. I went to help my mom afterward with some computer issues and took her Apple Watch so I could upgrade it and return it ASAP. Tomorrow I will be swapping the locks at Panorama and hopefully putting in the new garage lighting. Then I have to focus on Tuesday's presentation.

Gratitude: My relationship with Jennifer is such a gift. She's supported in everything I do and aspire to.
Health: Weight: 158.8 (-2.2) 7d avg: 160 (-0.17) | Steps: 5911 | Heart Rate: 57
Actions: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Friendship Family

Highlight(s): A good meditation start. My morning walk with Lauren was good, as was it with Jen and Scottie before heading into a productive workday. I gave Marya a heads-up about my apprehensions, and she sees the rationale based on the year that lies ahead, which will be a rather eventful one, I expect. Austin returned to his home tonight after the family he lives with recovered from Covid. I also made strides in bug scrubs and Kanban board configurations, and weekly status foundational work. I am cutting this short and going to close up shop for the night and chill for a change.

Gratitude: The opportunity to smell lavender on my morning walks. It's incredible how such apowerful scent comes from so small a source.

Goal(s): Finish my forthcoming Tuesday presentation by Sunday.

Anticipation: 1:1 wine tasting date with Jen tomorrow.

Health: Weight: 159.8 (1d: -1.2, 7d avg: -0.03) | Steps: 5987 | Heart Rate: 59

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

I asked for an employment agreement. I got the signed copy back… with this warning. :-/

Highlight(s): Staying up late makes getting up at 6am tricky. Getting Lauren at 10.30pm makes getting to bed early tricky, too. However, I slogged through the effort and made it up and out, and down and back, then walked Scottie solo again, too, before settling into the workday. This was yet another well-focused day attending primarily to real-time events throughout an entire morning of meetings. I went to SRC to see Linda and talk to Dr. Silva. She's somewhat the same but has decreased in responsiveness. I've been wrong, so many times about what'll likely happen next, so much so that speculating seems ignorant. But the Dr himself seemed pretty confident that the plateau can't continue for much longer, and further degradation is on the horizon. She fell asleep after a brief visit, and I left feeling sad and melancholy about this entire situation. While she was awake and we were talking, I told her that we were doing all we could to help her "through this ."I believe she hears and understands me, but I don't know that she comprehends or retains. This is an awful process to have to stand by and watch play out. It's more inhumane than assisted dying would be. Nobody wants her to die, but she is and will, likely soon, and with every passing day, in a worsening condition. Why must they prolong this? How is this "right" in any manner whatsoever? It's disgusting, disturbing, and immoral. Anyway, I left and returned home and continued working. I made good progress on work tasks. But I didn't put time into personal projects, which is becoming a problem. I wanted to carve out time between 4-6 for such things, thinking it would be 'between demands,' but that's not proving to be the case. And it's also seeming to be the time I'm most productive keeping up with work demands. So I have to revisit that plan and see if I can work something else into a good routine. I sous vide'd two NY steaks, and we enjoyed a nice dinner together before going to work on our respective projects/tasks for the evening. Mine sadly gravitated towards work again. However, it's been rewarding and productive to reengage and care about my accomplishments.

Gratitude: Feeling engaged and empowered and in a good position at work.

Goal(s): Figure out how to work more creative focus and personal accomplishments into my weekdays.

Health: Weight: 161 (1d: +1, 7d avg: -0.14) | Steps: 7600 | Heart Rate: 62

Habits: Mediation Presence Calm Action



Highlight(s) & Accomplishments: Weird awakening. I woke to what sounded like somebody going into the side alley storage room door—a thump. Even though I was wearing only boxers, I went to check anyway. It was not as cold as I'd expected, but the light was on inside. I opened the door, nobody there, so it was likely left on by Tommy or myself. I turned it off and went into the house, and a moment later, the power went out. I looked next door, and their patio lights were on while our house, alone, it seems, was powerless. A moment later, it was back on. It seems unusual that one house alone would have an isolated power outage for a moment or two but, that's what occurred. Luckily I'm not inclined to turn it into a ghost story, so unless it happens again, I'll forget it by tomorrow. Today was our last day walking Abby & Lucy. Potentially the last for a while. Lauren's less into the idea of doing this again, so maybe it's time for Mia or another neighbor to get involved. I got back and walked Scottie solo as Jen was in a meeting. He had some, let's call it, bowel issues. I had to hold his tail up and try picking stuck excrement from his fur. Of course, this was all right at the location where our home and the neighbor's home connect. And just then, their kids came walking out. That was likely a bit traumatic for them. It was for me. I took him in and cleaned him up before getting shaved and ready for the All-Hands meeting and my first pass at Product related updates. I kept it simple and lean. I know that these meetings are best kept simple and short. I thought I did great, and I had another really good workday. I also found that I'd missed an email yesterday and, long story short, got the employment agreement terms I'd ask for, including a severance agreement, which takes a stressor off my shoulders about 'what if' that's kept me hoarding my PTO time in case of emergency. Of course, this might all be moot if another opportunity takes me away, as it's only for protection if the company cuts me due to cost reductions or the like. Ultimately I'm starting to feel like I have hit a sweet spot of responsibilities and engagement, and I'm excited again. I haven't been for some time. Maybe in part, it's a good distraction from the situation with Linda. I've not been to visit for a couple of days as I've been 100% focused on work, but I hope to get over there tomorrow and spend an hour or two working bedside. I took Lauren to the low vision specialist optometrist recommended by Palo Alto Vision Center. It seemed to go very well, and new contracts should be received in 2 weeks. The doctor felt like she could bring her vision to a level better than we've been told before, and that would be interesting to see play out. Lauren and I got Una Mas to go for Austin and us, and we went and had dinner with him at Panorama. It was a bit awkward, and I think he's so indoctrinated into the Patterson family dynamic that he's not comfortable with Lauren or me or anything that might challenge what's been laid out as the definition of loyalty. That whole family has this 'us or them' mentality, and I saw a glimpse of it tonight when the topic of his grandfather came up. Tommy was getting another fish for his aquarium, but maybe we'll see him again as it's likely he'll be staying there at least for a couple more days, if not through the weekend. School resumes tomorrow, so I'll be walking with Lauren again. That'll be nice.

Gratitude: I enjoy the routine that's developed between myself and Lucky, the "other" dog, in the mornings. I get up, and he hears me walking about from Lauren's room next to us. When I come out of our bedroom, I open her door, and he greets me. I leave her door open and the hall light on so she'll wake up while I take him out front. I bring my socks and shoes and sit on the patio with him. While he goes pee, I get my shoes and socks on, pet him, and we go inside. It's become another ritual of sorts in my daily habits, and it's a pleasant one. Getting up early and sitting on the patio with him feels like a gently refreshing way to start each day.

Goal(s): Visit Linda

Anticipation: Making headway on the updates for our new dev process with Richard and David and getting things set up for easier oversight of roadmap project using Epics, hopefully.

Health: Weight: 161 (1d: +1.8, 7d avg: -0.14) | Steps: 6279 | Heart Rate: 57

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Family



Highlight(s): Austin stayed at Panorama last night, and I saw him briefly this am while dropping off the garage lights I had shipped to Matson. He reported back later that he'd gotten negative test results for Covid, so now he's just waiting for his roommates to get over theirs and expects to be back there in a week. I'm hoping the kids and I can visit for dinner, but I won't go without Jen, and I resent that it would be an issue for him, as it's all about taking sides in a one-sided story. I got back, walked Scottie with Jen, enjoyed some excellent Blue Bottle coffee with cream, and dove headfirst into the workday. Lucky took fish food from Tommy's room and ate 1/2 of it. That damned dog only cares about if he's caught. I seasoned and sealed the Sirloin Cap, and sous vide it for our dinner. I failed at getting my allocated "focus time," and that's my fault for not forcing it. I'll prioritize at least 3-4 times a week. That's my goal, which allows me some room for unexpected situations. However, I have started something I want to finish by tomorrow. I dropped Lauren at work and took my mom to Costco to get Jen's card and some stuff we needed. We stayed and visited for a little while.

Accomplishment(s): It was a perfect and well-engaged workday, so I accomplished yesterday's "Goal." The Sous Vide came out perfectly cooked; however, this particular cut is known for being tough, and I also over seasoned it with liquid smoke – lesson learned.

Gratitude: Bittersweet memories returning of my kid's youth on my morning walk around Panorama with Lauren and the neighbor's dogs. Time does pass so quickly. It's likely every parent's lament to want to do it over knowing what they know now.

Goal(s): Complete my post for tomorrow.

Anticipation: A less schedule-heavy day tom

Health: Weight: 160 (1d: -0.2, 7d avg: -0.37) | Steps: 8458 | Heart Rate: 58

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Family

The Resurrection of "Blue Bear"

Highlight(s): Took today off to manage Panorama tasks. Mark picked up the next set of books – 13 boxes worth. Attic Pro came and quoted the attic work – the guy was sales-scripted and pressed me to sign, which always rubs me the wrong way. Rob came and fixed the front light switches and garage door power issues, and it's all working as expected again. Austin asked if he could stay while roommates get through Covid, and I said yes. Jen and Lauren got the master bedroom set up for him. Kathy and I talked, and she's going to put me in the #2 position in the trust, so when she's done all she needs to manage Linda's circumstances, she can surrender to me, and I'll carry on regarding the kid's needs in the future. That will work well for all. Lauren seemed genuinely OK with the process of going through stuff at Panorama, about which I was very relieved. She and Jennifer work together so naturally. It always touches me. Tommy got his clownfish and coral into his tank, and they are soothing to watch.
Accomplishment(s): Lauren and Jen got through the rest of the books, then the bathrooms. They also went through the closet and pulled out all of the kids' T-shirts, which were supposed to be made into quilts. Jen will now coordinate that getting done. I put some initial time into my late-afternoon time slot to focus on writing and have something already started later this week.
Gratitude: The orange cloud-covered sunrise that we enjoyed over coffee and our morning walk was stunning.
Goal(s): Aggressively focus entirely on work all day tomorrow from 8-4.
Anticipation: Sous Vide Beef Sirloin Cap for dinner tomorrow.
Health: Journal Weight: 159.2 (1d: -0.8, 7d avg: -0.69) | Steps: 9792 | Heart Rate: 62

Highlight(s): Massively aggressively active and productive day. It's hard to recall but I'll try and keep it brief and focus on highlights – Freezing morning, AM dog walk was miserable. Gloves I bought suck. Initiated returns. Went to Pano to walk Abby and Lucy. Took Lauren to SRC to see Linda. They've had another 2 positive covid tests and are restricting access but we were allowed in based on Linda's condition and status. We were brief, she was quiet and pretty much the same. We took the ornaments off the tree we brought for her and showed them too her as we did. I'm likely going to take the tree (living) to Pano and plant it later this week. We returned to Jen working on the book sorting. She found a couple of valuable items including a 1st edition of Orwell's 1984, and the leather bound short story Marissa wrote for me decades ago. I used the pilot to shuttle two sets of shallow shelves to Matson and found a snake skill on one of them. I completed the task of getting Tommy's scuba and hockey gear all set into dry spaces along the side while the garage/storage now has the necessary space to make moving things to Panorama easier. Lauren and Jen got all the inside Christmas decor and all the ancillary items we collected into a few bins that I took to Panorama to store in the rafters for next year. We took down and tossed the exterior lights because we're going to get something different next year. While going through the outside bin at Panorama that now houses Tommy's hockey gear at Matson, I found my childhood baseball glove in the very bottom of it. It's a treasured artifact of my childhood going back to maybe 8-9 years old. My name's still visible on it. I'm so happy to have it again. Coming home after dropping Lauren I encountered the guy that collects recycling and gave him ours. He's a good guy doing what he can to make ends meet and I support that and enjoy setting aside our recycling for him to take. Around 3pm I just crashed. I've not been feeling too well, having some issues, suspect it's a bug, know it's not covid from today's testing. Oh, while driving home to start taking down the decorations Lauren suggested we put on Christmas music one last time, at the exact moment I was thinking the same thing. These things happen frequently between us. I don't think it's telepathy but just great minds thinking alike, and it does happen often enough to note.

Gratitude: Seeing my breath on a cold morning still brings me a childlike thrill.

Goal(s): Start my daily "focus time" in the late afternoon where I will be setting aside the time I need to be more productive on some personal goals.

Anticipation: Taking tomorrow off to deal with Panorama Attic, Electrical and Books pickup.

Health: Weight: 160.2 (1d: +0.2, 7d avg: -0.54) | Steps: 10527 | Avg Heart Rate: 83

Habits: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Family

Toasting The Worst Year Yet

I'm not a big "new year's resolutions" person. I can't recall one successful change accomplished due to making conscious efforts being January 1. In the end, what's worked for me worked when I made enough effort to experience the motivation of results. I am especially inclined to reflect on the events of this past year more than usual. In retrospect, more than any prior year, including when I got Guillaume Barre or experienced a job loss or even the years of angst and anger-riddled drama through separation and divorce, this year topped them all when it comes to the level of drama, upset, and upheaval.

On a scale of "1" to "10", "1" being horrible, and "10" being fantastic, I give 2021 a solid "9".

I initially gave 2021 a "10" last night while Jennifer and Lauren, and I played a yearend game of "Vertellis", but I nudged down to a 9 because I felt there should be room for improvement in the year ahead. My cousin Jeri sent me that game a few years back, knowing my interest in really having honest and insightful conversations. It took me a couple of years of missed opportunities before I set a reminder to play it on New Year's Eve when it's a fitting moment to look back on the prior year and ahead to the forthcoming one. This was our first of hopefully many years as an annual tradition. As cards were pulled and questions were asked and answered, we ended up all rating the past year and explaining why.

This year started with my being amazed I was still employed as the company struggled through financial hardships. I was expecting to be cut loose at any moment and even anticipating it. I was burnt out and jaded and dialing it in. My son was living with us full time due to the tense and destructive relationship between his mother and him. My daughter was still with us half of the time and seemed to be struggling with things at home with her mom as well. I was starting to see some opportunity to perhaps rebuild some positive rapport with Linda when we got the call that turned our whole worlds upside down. We've spent the past 10+ months coming to grips with the excruciating knowledge of her terminal condition and the many many challenges, the emotionally draining hardships, the physical decline to the point of being immobile, a period of complete mental incapacitation while taking morphine, the inventible passing away hanging over our heads while the risks increase for further degradation that will only make things worse for her.

This year wasn't just her situation, although it absolutely dominated and still does overshadow everything else. I also had a good friend experience extreme recurring medical issues requiring brain surgery. A neighborhood friend of many years faced a cancer diagnosis and surgery of their own. My beloved Aunt Paula passed away after many years of battling her recurring disease. And, I followed along, in relatively real-time, as one on my list of strongest influences went from lamenting the lengthy non-responsiveness of her estranged partner as hopefully being on a bender with a hooker and not dead to being found dead after all, leaving her and their two teenage twins fatherless.

 It's been a fucking brutal year for people I love and care about. But I rated it a "9"?! WTF?

What's happened throughout this year has brought about a massive amount of change in many positive ways. 

I've reconnected with several long-dormant friends, and those I have stayed in touch with feel stronger and more genuine than ever before. In good part, I believe, I appreciate them all so much more. I have resolved to be more direct and consciously earnest in that regard. I recognize that every day can and should be spent being as aware of the good fortune I have had throughout my life to have the relationships I've had. 

I took a three-month course on facilitating end-of-life discussions and planning. If I never do a thing with the certification, the courses alone gave me a broader and more profound respect for all of the world's cultural differences when it comes to facing or turning away from mortality. And my response is that if you have to turn away, you'll never face it, and you'll not see it coming.

My family dynamic with the kids and Jennifer could not be stronger. She's a godsend to myself and my kids. She treats them with the deepest love and caring, and her presence throughout this year has saved them and me from a far more traumatic time as we all worked together to get through this trying time.

I've been given the benefit of the doubt by Linda's sister and closest friends throughout this past year. I know my character has not always been portrayed positively as one might expect through a separation and divorce. One of my favorite sayings is "There are three sides to every story," while one of Linda's was always "Actions speak louder than words." If that's true, I've been "screaming myself horse" with my actions for ten months, helping our kids, her, and myself get through this with as few scars and regrets.

I became re-engaged in my work, too, due to the departure of a colleague that allowed me to make some changes to my responsibilities that have reinvigorated me. And as much as I don't intend ever to base my self-worth on how I make a living, at least what I do is something I'm engaged and interested in doing again, and I'd lost that for a while.

The "daily calm" meditation on New Year's Eve was an end-of-year reflection on living through love and loss and recognizing it all as precious gifts. To have been here to experience any of this, at all – the highest of highs and the lowest of lows – being alive in the first place is a gift, as is every day you end still breathing, and that puts it all into a pretty positive perspective. And the following day's meditation was about entering the year with plans and expectations while realizing that anything can and may well happen that changes them without warning. How you respond to that change can lead to positive outcomes. She used the real-life example of planning a gathering at a restaurant with friends and finding it closed when they arrived. That leads to their wandering about and finding something new and wonderful, meeting new people, making new friends, and having a whole new set of experiences and options open up on the heels of that initial disappointment and loss.

I ended 2021 with my daughter and wife reflecting on these very thoughts. Earlier that evening, I set aside a brief moment to experience a rather sentimental moment with Linda, knowing the opportunity was one I could not pass up. This past year has dramatically changed how I live my life in ultimately positive ways. That she did not die suddenly and was open to accepting my help back in March spared me a life spent regretting having never reconciled, something I have wanted for many years.

While cleaning at Panorama, I came across the Mikasa gold-rimmed crystal champagne flutes. They were used at our wedding in 1998 and given to us by her step-father Tom before his eventual passing a few months later. From cancer. We used them sparingly and perhaps as few as five times as memory serves me for specifically noteworthy occasions. And, throughout the years, one or the other broke. We replaced each when that happened. She wanted to hold a mindset of considering them the 'originals' while I secretly felt that maybe there was something symbolic about their breaking as the relationship began to show signs of strain and struggle. They remained at the house, tucked away in the back of a cabinet filled with other glasses until I happened upon them and took them, intending to store them for our kids along with our wedding album, the Italian doves, and other artifacts of the relationship that ultimately brought them into this world.

I went out and bought a small split of French Champagne and took those glasses in their box, along with a few bites of brie and crackers, to her hospice room yesterday just before dinner. I sat with her, fed her, talked with her, and gave her comfort and encouragement regarding the care she was receiving and the outpouring of support from her family and friends throughout this awful situation. And I told her how grateful I was that I was able to be present and help her through this and that as horrible as it's been, it's also a gift that she has all she has and has had throughout her life. She looked into my eyes and nodded in agreement. And with that, I filled our glasses, and we toasted to the new year. 

I will pass down those glasses to the kids. In the meantime, if either break, I'll swiftly replace them and consider them the 'originals' on her behalf.

2021 was a "9" because I not only survived it, but I also evolved and made positive choices because of it. Choices that will benefit my kids, family, and friends. Changes that will make the years to come richer, fuller, and more rewarding for all of us.