I initially gave 2021 a "10" last night while Jennifer and Lauren, and I played a yearend game of "Vertellis", but I nudged down to a 9 because I felt there should be room for improvement in the year ahead. My cousin Jeri sent me that game a few years back, knowing my interest in really having honest and insightful conversations. It took me a couple of years of missed opportunities before I set a reminder to play it on New Year's Eve when it's a fitting moment to look back on the prior year and ahead to the forthcoming one. This was our first of hopefully many years as an annual tradition. As cards were pulled and questions were asked and answered, we ended up all rating the past year and explaining why.
This year started with my being amazed I was still employed as the company struggled through financial hardships. I was expecting to be cut loose at any moment and even anticipating it. I was burnt out and jaded and dialing it in. My son was living with us full time due to the tense and destructive relationship between his mother and him. My daughter was still with us half of the time and seemed to be struggling with things at home with her mom as well. I was starting to see some opportunity to perhaps rebuild some positive rapport with Linda when we got the call that turned our whole worlds upside down. We've spent the past 10+ months coming to grips with the excruciating knowledge of her terminal condition and the many many challenges, the emotionally draining hardships, the physical decline to the point of being immobile, a period of complete mental incapacitation while taking morphine, the inventible passing away hanging over our heads while the risks increase for further degradation that will only make things worse for her.
This year wasn't just her situation, although it absolutely dominated and still does overshadow everything else. I also had a good friend experience extreme recurring medical issues requiring brain surgery. A neighborhood friend of many years faced a cancer diagnosis and surgery of their own. My beloved Aunt Paula passed away after many years of battling her recurring disease. And, I followed along, in relatively real-time, as one on my list of strongest influences went from lamenting the lengthy non-responsiveness of her estranged partner as hopefully being on a bender with a hooker and not dead to being found dead after all, leaving her and their two teenage twins fatherless.
It's been a fucking brutal year for people I love and care about. But I rated it a "9"?! WTF?
What's happened throughout this year has brought about a massive amount of change in many positive ways.
I've reconnected with several long-dormant friends, and those I have stayed in touch with feel stronger and more genuine than ever before. In good part, I believe, I appreciate them all so much more. I have resolved to be more direct and consciously earnest in that regard. I recognize that every day can and should be spent being as aware of the good fortune I have had throughout my life to have the relationships I've had.
I took a three-month course on facilitating end-of-life discussions and planning. If I never do a thing with the certification, the courses alone gave me a broader and more profound respect for all of the world's cultural differences when it comes to facing or turning away from mortality. And my response is that if you have to turn away, you'll never face it, and you'll not see it coming.
My family dynamic with the kids and Jennifer could not be stronger. She's a godsend to myself and my kids. She treats them with the deepest love and caring, and her presence throughout this year has saved them and me from a far more traumatic time as we all worked together to get through this trying time.
I've been given the benefit of the doubt by Linda's sister and closest friends throughout this past year. I know my character has not always been portrayed positively as one might expect through a separation and divorce. One of my favorite sayings is "There are three sides to every story," while one of Linda's was always "Actions speak louder than words." If that's true, I've been "screaming myself horse" with my actions for ten months, helping our kids, her, and myself get through this with as few scars and regrets.
I became re-engaged in my work, too, due to the departure of a colleague that allowed me to make some changes to my responsibilities that have reinvigorated me. And as much as I don't intend ever to base my self-worth on how I make a living, at least what I do is something I'm engaged and interested in doing again, and I'd lost that for a while.
The "daily calm" meditation on New Year's Eve was an end-of-year reflection on living through love and loss and recognizing it all as precious gifts. To have been here to experience any of this, at all – the highest of highs and the lowest of lows – being alive in the first place is a gift, as is every day you end still breathing, and that puts it all into a pretty positive perspective. And the following day's meditation was about entering the year with plans and expectations while realizing that anything can and may well happen that changes them without warning. How you respond to that change can lead to positive outcomes. She used the real-life example of planning a gathering at a restaurant with friends and finding it closed when they arrived. That leads to their wandering about and finding something new and wonderful, meeting new people, making new friends, and having a whole new set of experiences and options open up on the heels of that initial disappointment and loss.
I ended 2021 with my daughter and wife reflecting on these very thoughts. Earlier that evening, I set aside a brief moment to experience a rather sentimental moment with Linda, knowing the opportunity was one I could not pass up. This past year has dramatically changed how I live my life in ultimately positive ways. That she did not die suddenly and was open to accepting my help back in March spared me a life spent regretting having never reconciled, something I have wanted for many years.
While cleaning at Panorama, I came across the Mikasa gold-rimmed crystal champagne flutes. They were used at our wedding in 1998 and given to us by her step-father Tom before his eventual passing a few months later. From cancer. We used them sparingly and perhaps as few as five times as memory serves me for specifically noteworthy occasions. And, throughout the years, one or the other broke. We replaced each when that happened. She wanted to hold a mindset of considering them the 'originals' while I secretly felt that maybe there was something symbolic about their breaking as the relationship began to show signs of strain and struggle. They remained at the house, tucked away in the back of a cabinet filled with other glasses until I happened upon them and took them, intending to store them for our kids along with our wedding album, the Italian doves, and other artifacts of the relationship that ultimately brought them into this world.
I went out and bought a small split of French Champagne and took those glasses in their box, along with a few bites of brie and crackers, to her hospice room yesterday just before dinner. I sat with her, fed her, talked with her, and gave her comfort and encouragement regarding the care she was receiving and the outpouring of support from her family and friends throughout this awful situation. And I told her how grateful I was that I was able to be present and help her through this and that as horrible as it's been, it's also a gift that she has all she has and has had throughout her life. She looked into my eyes and nodded in agreement. And with that, I filled our glasses, and we toasted to the new year.
I will pass down those glasses to the kids. In the meantime, if either break, I'll swiftly replace them and consider them the 'originals' on her behalf.
2021 was a "9" because I not only survived it, but I also evolved and made positive choices because of it. Choices that will benefit my kids, family, and friends. Changes that will make the years to come richer, fuller, and more rewarding for all of us.