Getting Past Regrets

Why am I SO compelled to have to put on a happy face and pretend to be interested in conversations or feedback or opinions of others? Or to entertain their opinions or exceptions of me as being warranted or valid.?

There are times when somebody starts a conversation and my head is elsewhere or I’m in the middle of something and I just don’t feel comfortable saying “I’m sorry this is not a good time”. Because it’s rude. At least I think if I said it, it’s rude, but if somebody politely said that to me I believe I’d accept it without taking offense and I’d understand.

But i feel like a shit if I do it. I feel like a shit any time i choose what I want or feel over what somebody else wants or feels. But i’m learning not to.

Suspension of Belief

To make a point about things done out of routine without ever evolving, I often reference the analogy of a woman who cuts the end of the ham off before baking it. The story goes as follows; "a husband notices that his wife cut the ends of the ham off when she cooks them. He asks her why. She says that she does not know, it's just how her mother didn't. She called her mother and ask her mother the same question. Her mother replies that she doesn't know either, that's how her mother did it too. The daughter called the grandmother and asked why she cut the end of the ham off when she cooked it. The grandmother said "because my pan was too small”.

I mention this because I used that reference today when talking to a representative at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The DMV. The place where reason goes to die.When I was got diagnosed with GBS and arrived at the rehabilitation facility, one of their default actions is to notify the DMV that I was incapacitated, and my license automatically got suspended. The revoking of the suspension, as crazy as it seems, can't simply be the doctor telling them that I'm okay now. I went through that. In fact at the end of the two weeks, when I left rehab,I was ok to drive, and the doctor agreed. But unfortunately the paperwork had been submitted and the process has started. The Orwellian nightmare was about to commence.

As a fan of the movie Brazil, the folly of process, paperwork and bureaucracy does not fall lightly on me. I hold a great deal of disdain for anything that can't be re-examined and refine to be more effective and streamlined. And that is the essence is the DMV.

After my paperwork was faxed to them on February 13, which I have confirmed with the DMV at their date of receipt, the "review "began. I was told it would take about a week and that I should check back. I checked back yesterday, two weeks after the fact, and was told that the paperwork has been received. And now… only now, upon calling them to find out what’s going on, do I learn that I have been scheduled for an appointment on March 13th  to meet with somebody at the DMV office to discuss my license being unsuspended. A full 30 days after they receive the doctors clear and concise notification that I was rehabilitated and fully capable of driving!

I talked calmly, but with some frustration, to the representative on the other end of the phone, explaining that they have the release from the doctor. I don't understand why they needed to see me or talk to me. She said that they needed to interview me. I said " Hey, I'm on the phone with you right now, what questions do you have? I would be more than happy to answer them. Otherwise can't somebody just call me? What's the point of my having to go down there?"

I explained to her that I work in Redwood City, that I have a full-time job, and an obligation to provide for my family as the sole income. I explained that I had to drive illegally, not go to work, or inconvenience friends and family on a daily basis for a full month to drive me to and from work so I would not be at risk of being stopped by a cop and having to pay hundreds of dollars in a fine because I was driving with a suspended license.

None of this makes any sense. There's no reason I need to go to the DMV besides the fact that they have an antiquated process insisting that I sit across the table from somebody who's going to look at the paperwork in front of them, finally, look at me, say "looks good to me" and stamp his approval. Because that’s how his grandfather did it.

Idle Time

Frequently, when I get in my car first thing in the morning, and I turn on the engine, a voice my head says "let it warm up before putting it in gear.”. This voice came from something  I was told years ago regarding car maintenance, and the statistic that the most damage that occurs to your engine occurs when the car is driven with being allowed time to warm up. So I try to be patient, regardless of how late I might be or who is waiting for me, and allow the car to idle and warm up for 60 seconds or so.



When your engine is cold,  the fluids are not flowing freely, and things are not well lubricated for being engaged and in gear. You can't expect to be performing at your peak, and just like the runner who starts a full sprint from a cold start without having stretched or warmed up, you're going to do some sort of damage. You're going to affect your overall engine and long-term capabilities.



I can't help but recognized about how this applies this to my daily life and personal interactions. In the realm of “Mindfulness”, one of the practices I am trying to adopt is to allow myself to awaken in the morning without grabbing my phone and checking mail or jumping out of bed and hurrying off to start some daily routine. Instead, I'm trying to lie in bed and just “be” for a minute or two. I'm trying to breathe a little, recognize the air going in and out of my lungs, and be mindful of the moment and my surroundings. The temperature of the room, the weight of the blankets. I'm trying to do moderate stretches in bed that I was taught to do while in the hospital. Not only do they help my recovery but they allow me to stretch and prepared to start my day without jumping out of bed and landing on legs with tense muscles, unprepared to bear the weight and motion of that moment.


Mindfulness of this nature and taking "time to warm up" have been topics I've heard and read a great deal about for many years. Much of it in the realm of parenting. In parenting you're told that your reactions set the tone and teach a great deal, so taking time to breathe and think before acting is critical. Just like anger management courses teach you to count, parenting classes (which I think are pretty much akin to anger management classes at times) teach the same. They want you to take time to think about the child, to think about their intentions, but think about your reactions and what those reactions are teaching them.


In relation to the car, to starting my day, to interacting with the world around me…. it all makes perfect sense. Outside of the instinctual legacy for me to know i should run like crazy if a lion jumps out at me from behind the brush with the intention of making me it's dinner, I really am not living in an environment that requires me to be in a constant fight or flight state. Yes, there's bad people and bad situations and things that we should be on guard for and ready to take on, but in general, business and social interactions don't require impulse response without thoughtful consideration, and we should be encouraged to stretch and warm up in order to be primed for whatever comes our way and to maintain our "vehicles" for their optimal performance and lifetime.

Dealing From A Fresh Deck

So, it's like this. I really need to write. I need to write desperately. It's a huge need for me, as a creative outlet as well as a way to resolve and reconcile my inner thoughts. And I’ve had so many of late, wrestling with each other and fighting for my short bursts of partial attention.

Writing was HUGE for me, for a significant number of years. But I let it go. I gave into pressures I felt related to what I wrote, and feedback about whether it was appropriate or not for me to voice such thoughts or feelings in a public forum. Although the source of those pressures would challenge the severity or intentions behind them, the comments were never received with anything more than the sense of being audited and edited. And I hated it.