The daily routines are pretty consistent these days. As redundant as that sounds. After "the usual," I spent the morning at my mom's setting up an AirPort Extreme as a workaround to the 2.4GHz issues that were preventing her broader use of the Apple watch. And, it worked! She can now send/receive messages, use the walkie-talkie feature, call, and more. I'll be sending some links to videos for her to watch and learn. It gives me a great deal of comfort to know that she has it. I also stopped and helped her with a recurring issue there, the freezer drain clogging, resulting in ice building and eventually dripping out. I resumed the "Antkind" audiobook, and as much as I do like it, it's just not resonating right now. I think I will move onto another option, still trying to determine where I want to put that time and energy and what I want out of it. Lauren was at her mom's, Tommy was at EH again, came home around 5, seemed to be in a crappy mood. I've invited him to walk tomorrow am to Bagel Basket because I need the exercise, and it would be nice to get the time together. Jen made stew and made me cookies again, too. I am so grateful for her. I watched the PBS Frontline episode "Trump's American Carnage". It's hard to believe how dramatically things went awry over the past four years.

Pitch Perfecting

I am not alone in having a desire to become a better person. I can't be. There are too many books, podcasts, seminars, and episodes of Oprah to imagine otherwise. The "self-help" market is a multi-billion dollar a year industry due to the volume of people looking for insights, feedback, and guidance. As confident as I think we all can be at times, we also see the opportunity for growth and improvement, with or without Deepak Chopra's guidance.

When I stop and reflect on my parenting, I recognize that I went into it with apprehension and uncertainty. I wasn't the driving force; somebody else drove me. I slept walked through their early years. I acquiesced my authority. I was one of two "loyal fans and adoring servants." I failed to balance my time between one who needed it and one who demanded it.

When I consider former relationships, I have to admit to often going through the motions, seeking approval, and gaining acceptance. I was more concerned about how others saw me than just being my genuine self.

When I consider my employment history and performance, I recognize that I might have been a "B player" at best, perhaps a "C" player depending on who you ask, in any number of positions. I can do great things with aggressive gusto when I am passionately engaged. Still, I'm capable of apathetically "dialing it in," making the minimum effort necessary to maintain the status quo. I missed opportunities that might have improved where I am now.

I've been working towards living more consciously. That includes being more honest about my actions, desires, and intentions. I've had to resist reacting with sub-conscious reflexes to triggers that still exist. Like my son making a smart-ass comment, my ex-wife positioning herself as a victim, or my mom digging into my late father's character. These are all prone to elicit a response I know isn't healthy for me or the situation. It's just ingrained. Routine. Habitual. And a dynamic of the rapport my historical behavior has established, just like flinching when my brother abruptly raises his hand. I believe this is called a learned response.

Reflections like this are at the forefront of my thoughts these days for several reasons. My focused engagement may aid my continued employment and contribute to the company's long-term success. My children's natural distancing and increasing independence remind me that my scope of influence is ebbing, something I embrace as a bittersweet accomplishment. A recent change in the dynamic with my ex-wife, being a bit more open dialog, has me mindful of being compassionate but not complicate in taking on a rescuer's role.

I'm gradually learning to take a moment and consider my responses with more intention and consideration than I used to. I don't feel compelled to rush to an agreement, to keep the peace, or to avoid the discomfort of conflict. It's liberating.

Lauren and I took off early this am so she could go attend to Abey and Lucy, and we stopped by Pano briefly. I used the opportunity to take a 2nd look at the microwave to sanity check loose-wiring issues. I found a clear and specific root-cause. One of the two thermal-connector fuses seems to have blown. I ordered a replacement. Meanwhile I think the fuses is likely ok it's just the connector that's bad, as it looks like it overloaded and got moderately 'fried'. Which, if that did happen, likely compromised the fuse intended to prevent that. So best to swap in a new fuse and reseat the wiring. At any rate, this all took no more than 5 minutes maximum but between discussion car maintenance intervals and dealership profit models, and sump pumps too… we took a bit longer than expected. Jen had left for her cousin's for the morning/afternoon and Tommy was off to ExtraHours. So we ended up getting her a Panera lunch, giving Scottie a bath then going to Montalvo to get into some redwoods. Man, did we ever. That place is beautiful and getting into the dense woods like that is humbling and invigorating. As is expecting my calves to agree to another sudden ascension without proper warm up. It was a slow start but things kicked in about 5-10 min in, maybe 15. There were others on the trails but not many. We spent about 1.25hrs going to the 'lookout' and back, and meandering off on a few other trails along the way. Stephanie called while we were there, asking if she could come borrow a mage-safe power cable for a MacBook Air and I said sure, but I'm not there, but ended up walking her through getting the box of adaptors from the garage. It felt good to have been able to help. She was worried that it was 'invasive" for her to go into the garage but I assured her it was not. As long as she did not look in the green box!! (There is no green box). By the time Lauren and I returned, Jen was back. We were wiped and I fell asleep in the corner of the couch while she fell asleep leaning onto and over Scottie, who was also asleep. It was a power nap. We played a couple of rounds of Farkle before I took her home and ended up walking the two dogs with her. I'm glad I did. Managing two dogs crapping on a sidewalk on both sides of you at the same time and being able to wrangle them while picking up shit… not an easy proposition. And it gave us more time together.  I returned to go on yet-another-dog walk with Jen and we came back to Tommy being home. He showed me his latest work and man, he's really getting some great skills doing this stuff. He's putting in a great deal of time, but also getting a lot out of it, including inspiration, education, and recognition for his character and skills. I'm happy he's doing this. At 17 there's a lot worse ways to be spending your time. He's driven. It's impressive. I just feel compelled to keep reminding him of the baseline need to get passing grades and graduate with options and opportunities ahead. Watched "Real Time", Listened to a bit of a couple of books I'm considering as my next read, and oh, and today I learned that on average 1mm of a brake pad will be worn down over of 10k miles of driving. Fascinating. 

I'll eventually remember it's not on the left

Jen had a dentist appointment this am and I ended up taking Scottie for his am walk and, uh, "constitutional" (whatever the heck that means). A few houses away, while continuing to resist, watching and waiting for the one that feeds him to come with us, we simultaneously caught site of Oreo. The neighbor's cat. Oreo strolled with feline arrogance along their driveway and into the shrubs between the home where she has established a routine presence. Just moments after this an unknowing squirrel bounded across our driveway in interval hops and went directly onto the small border against the shrub. It bounded back out at the same tempo it bounded into it, but then scurried quickly away as Oreo's head popped up and out, fixed in place as he tried to make sense of what just occurred while coming to grips with the realization of the opportunity he'd just lost. I spent AM working and focused on closing a few key tasks before taking the afternoon off. And tomorrow. I'm still managing my PTO balance with a strong eye on ensuring I maintain the maximum while not losing any time due to 'overage' of accrual. I used the afternoon to futz about on a few random tasks, run and drop Tommy at ExtraHours, and while driving afterwards, calling Lauren's eye doctor in Stanford in order to coordinate a 'virtual' consultation to discuss Lauren's vision and driving options. Lauren's ask for my help because she feels like her mom's concluded it's a non-starter and I want to get direct input as to what, if any, accommodations can be made for her. It might be just a validation of what her mom's basing her conclusions on, or not, but either way this becomes a conversation that Lauren will really 'own' in order to take further control over her life as she approaches 18. I'll be there to ask my own questions and support her. She's concerned her mom will be upset but I think this is a reasonable step to take. I bought a ticket for a live stream fundraiser event celebrating the 25th anniversary of "Rent" on March 2nd. For $25, if this provides some economic relief and encourages live stream performances, i'm in. Lauren and I have already come up with a theater-based meal plan including a loaf of stolen bread, mini-pies, gruel, "beef ragout, cheese soufflé, pie and pudding, en flambé", 2 pints of Sam Adams… stuff like that. Oh, and today I learned that "Ghrelin" is a hormone that can be imbalanced, and because it stimulates appetite, increases food intake and promotes fat storage, it's a possible medical explanation for extreme obesity. Fascinating.

The rains last night were pretty intense. I climbed into bed with Jen sporting a turban-like scarf and looking like "Rhoda". I listened to a few more chapters of "Kingpin". At one point I stopped, took out my AirPods, and heard the sound of the clear plastic bag filled with cans and bottles, the one I leave out for the old man that gather's them the afternoon before trash pickup, being violently tossed about in side alley, and the sounds of individual cans slamming and banging against our house wall and the fence separation us from our neighbors Richard and Stephanie and their kids AJ and Brooke. Whose bedroom window was on the other side of the fence. The sound of aluminum cans rolling on aggregated cement at 11pm is, well, not exactly sleep inducing. I pride myself on being considerate of others, and what I could hear could not be 1/4 of what was in the bag, so there odds were that the noise would only escalate. Thus, I ventured out in a t-shirt and shorts and traipsed through the puddles as I gathered about a dozen of the 12 dozen cans that managed to get out. I put 'em back in the bag, put the bag in an empty bin and went shivering back inside. We both heard some sort of crack and thud later as the winds tore through the neighborhood, but it was only in the morning, as I was returning from the back yard after briefly letting the dog out, that I noticed the pieces of what had been one of the large plastic covering I put on the patio in the winter to protect the inside and make it more habitable. That segment had cracked once before but this time it was not going to be resolved with some clear sealing tape. I took the largest remaining segment and put it inside against the screen in order to limit/reduce any rain, which would require some serious winds, from coming in. Not a big deal. We walked the dog as usual, and while walking through the court as we passed by the house of the neighbor that was have build a rapport with over the years, Lawrence, let us know that his wife passed away after being hospitalized for 3 days with an infection. It was a truly hard blow to get this news. I really admire them as a couple and they would go on long, long walks daily. I'd pass then way down the road when heading to or from work and admire that they were getting out and about daily, and on top of that they are both very funny and pleasant. They are the kind of active people I want to be at their age. And now, with little warning, she's gone. We stopped and shared our condolences and availability to help in any way. As we walked away I fought back tears. The work day was busy and quickly took my mind slightly off the shock. There was a very funny moment in the end of Scrum. The topic of hair salons being closed came up. One of the people on the call said that her hair was down to her butt, and made a reference to how when it wet, in the shower, it's weird that something is touching her there. Another person on the zoom, a guy with a really long braided goatee, started to add on about his braid's length, pulling it up on camera and showing how long it was, and I immediately said "no no no, I do not need to hear about your showering experience." We laughed for a long long time. It's been good to have little 'micro conversations' in our daily meetings, it helps us stay connected. I made a run to my mom's at lunch and spent about 30 minutes further isolating the wifi issue down to her Modem. I am still thinking through some ways to resolve it. CardzMania with the usual suspects was really fun. It's wonderful to have Shiela on board and I was moved to hear that Steve sent Bud a long letter, the only way left to communicated due to Bud's sudden loss of hearing. It sounds like he's handling it well. Jen made a "lentil soup" and it was delicious. But I think we both ate too much. It was perfect with a Malbec though. Oh, and today I learned that I can option-click on the Wi-Fi status indicator in the OSX menubar and obtain a significant amount of additional network details. Fascinating.

I managed to get up early, again, and it's becoming increasingly rewarding when I do. The routines give me a gentle entrance into the day, before I allow all of the mental gymnastics that go with it to take to the floor, so to speak.:-). I spent the morning getting my mom and taking her for her first Covid vaccination shot. It went incredibly smoothly. There was a modest line, and it was a little cold standing outside for about 15min, but they were managing things wonderfully. It was really impressive, from a process engineering standpoint. They had their "shot" together! The woman who gave the vaccine to my mom was so sweet. I really can't say enough how much I appreciate the character of people who make a living helping others. After the vaccine, I took her back to her house, and started to get her set up on her new Apple Watch. But that was stalled and remains blocked by a problematic Motorola modem. It took about 30 – 45 minutes of my time going through numerous reboots and re-configurations to isolate the fact that the 2.4 GHz radio is not broadcasting it signal. I need to work on getting that resolved. I have some ideas. I found myself getting tense and annoyed by the situation but I managed to quell that habitual response. I recognized it as being a routine part of technology that's yet to be so optimized that one will never experience glitches. I shared the photo of mom getting the vaccination with my brother and Lindsay, both of whom were very happy to see that. Her second vaccination is scheduled for 2/22. i know that, for her, this is a huge relief. It feels warranted to recognize the good fortune we have when we live in a society and age where there are options to deal with medical situations. Certainly, not all of them, but we have far more than those alive during the centuries prior did. I'm also really grateful for Lauren right now. Last night, when I was talking about today's plans, she very sweetly said "enjoy the opportunity to spend time with your mom". I took that as a sincere introspective observation on her point, with an awareness that everybody's time is limited and I should make the most of it. Then again she could just be making a snide dig about the fact that I get to get out of the house when she doesn't :-). Work was good, I made progress on a few key initiatives that I want to complete by Thursday. I took Tommy for a haircut now that the local shop's open. I had a fun text exchange with Marya, and we're going to visit them Sunday. We're entering a few days of high wind and rain, which I always really enjoy the experience of (sound, smell, etc). I'll likely have ELO playing tomorrow, too. Tommy was great today and tonight. In fact we had a really interesting and sincere conversation after he went into his moms and I told him directly that I appreciated some of the things I believe he's learning and recognizing about himself and others. He's coming along, but needs to master the art of balancing compassion and consideration with triggers and tolerance. Who am I to speak? I'm still working on myself. But who isn't.

They say you learn something new everyday. Today that something is that the wind doesn't blow, it sucks. Fascinating.

We just finished laughing hysterically as Scottie went on for some 30-45 seconds "scratching" at the bedding, and we in turn did the same along side him. We wonder sometimes if he feels like we're a 'pack' in such instances. It was a good laugh and a fun close to a busy day, and another good day, too. Before heading into bed I continued making some last minute tweaks on mom's AppleWatch, which I'm now dropping off tomorrow in conjunction with taking her to get her vaccine shot! At least, I hope. She's pretty desperate to get the hell out of the house after over a year of pretty aggressive isolation. But I'm concerned about the site this is taking place at, a civic center auditorium in San Jose, which might require her standing or waiting in line. That's not gonna work out well but hopefully we'll make it work. This will be a big relief to her and to me too. As for the watch I've kept it super simple but I'm excited as hell to have the chance to get her setup with it. Before I finished that task, after a two-block trip w/the dog during which he didn't poop as is usually the case I set about the routine pickup and prep for tomorrow while listening to more of Kingpin. I hope to finish it soon, the tension is building. Speaking of tension, Tommy's been more pleasant, which is welcome. I took he and Lauren for a nice drive at 4.45pm, up to Skyline and past Castlerock back through the woods and out to 17 by Bear Creek Rd. I dropped Lauren at Pano, briefly triaged the issue with the microwave there (might be an easy fix, will follow up) and it was both good and a bit surreal to be back in the house, and then we went on a ping-pong-adventure to get him dinner which ended up being at Costco. Pizza for dinner, breakfast and lunch tomorrow too. It was good to get out today for a drive, fresh air and sunlight, considering the rains expected tomorrow. The sky along the ridge was stunning. Orange clouds and rays of setting sunlight. The forest was all green and dense as well. A great drive to take. We're lucky to live here. Work was very busy, which was good, and I have plenty to do for the rest of the week ahead. The work day was moderately delayed by Scottie's pressing and instant indications that he wanted out, which I accommodated in the back yard only to have him return inside and a few min later, well, loose his shit. He clearly had some stomach issues going on. It was a shock for all of us, but my only thoughts were empathy for the poor guy. I don't know why but he somehow won't use our yard to poop. I gotta train him that it's ok, it must not have been at his prior home. Before all that I was pleased to read an email exchange going on between Steve and Dean, who I've worked to connect on a possible screenplay endeavor. It feels great to see the banter and I have hopes it comes to something of significance, even if just the experience of meeting and working on an idea or two. I also shared a good podcast I heard during my AM routine w/somebody I know struggling with Anxiety, and I'm hoping it'll resonate. Not a bad day at all.

I woke up naturally, again, at around 5.40, also again. Although unlike yesterday, I didn't get up and start the day early with meditations, blah blah blah… instead I fell back asleep, with little forewarning. I was out. I work again a couple hours later and groggily decided I had to get my ass up. But damn it felt good to sleep in. Tommy has just left for ExtraHour moments before, so I missed saying goodbye. I happened to remember the blood pressure monitor being within reach before getting up, and wanting to test it first in the morning. 122/87. That's pretty damned good for me and a goal to strive for at any time of the day. Jen had picked up a holiday gift package of flavored coffee's at GOBM last night. Closeout sale I've seen it there for weeks. Lauren's even pointed them out and suggested she'd like them. I have had some pretty awful 'flavored' coffee's and don't see the point in tossing $3.99 at a pack of grinds that'll just end up skipping the brewing process they usually pass through before going into the trash. But unfortunately, she found them, and I bit my lip. So imagine my surprise this am when we huddled around the coffee pot and nervously took that first sip. It wasn't so bad. It certainly was no "Old Soul", of course, but it was a fun way to break up the routine. That's one of the many things I love about her. Another is that, while I was out meditating after our am dog walk, she was making Keto French Toast. On that dog walk, Lauren was telling us her AppleWatch BPM which seemed extremely high to me, but turned out to be totally normal for age/gender. Anyway, I came in from meditating, ate some fantastic French Toast as Lauren made scrambled eggs with syrup, and I sipped decent coffee as I started working through my to-do's for the day. Jen got to work on the monthly home-cooking of Scottie's dog food. Our neighbor, Sonja, who just got a small dog last year ("La La") asked us as we crossed path on independent dog-walks yesterday morning about it, as we'd mentioned it previously, so she's sent her the receipe after putting it all together. As all that was happening,  I found a good deal on a 40mm Series 4 AppleWatch for my mom, and with a bit of encouragement from Lauren, who recognized the idea as an impetus to get out of the house, I want it for the fall detection,  I reached out to arrange getting it. I took care of other things for awhile, Lauren wanted something to do and brought up making massed potatoes. She's still a few days away from being allowed anything other than soft-food, which that certainly is. It was perfect timing too, as the dog food was in the instant pot finishing cooking for about 20 min. Lauren was able to start getting her potatoes ready in parallel because we bought a 2nd instant pot 'pot insert' last year for the convenience of exactly such a situation. By the time Lauren was ready, Jen's food was done and we simply swapped the pots, rinsed the lid, and Lauren's cooking time began. I reached out again to the watch seller and used text instead of email to do so. Lauren's mashed potatoes came out absolutely perfect. And I'm not just saying that.She nailed it. I heard back from the watch seller and worked out the logistics. The three of us drove to Cupertino near Apple where the seller lived. He was an Apple employee in the Maps team and a very pleasant guy. I setup the watch as Jen drove to Valley Fair for her 'drive by pickup' of an online order. Their process was a bit muddled and confusing but I wasn't really paying attention as I was going through the process of configuring the watch the whole time. The great thing is, it seems like it should work well for the limited range of tasks and needs, and even allow for text messages, 'walkie talkie' and FaceTime audio calls without her having an iPhone or a cellular setup for the device. And as Jen pointed out, this effort was without the drama and frustrations I've experienced in other attempts. I have a few remaining tests or tweets to make and I hope to take it to her Mon or Tues latest. It'll give me a good deal of comfort to at least know that if she were to fall I'll be alerted. She agrees that it's better to not wait to fall and not have the ability to contact me before getting setup with the ability to do so the 'next' time. When we got home I asked if she'd make me some peanut butter cookies. She said she would but she can't so she won't. Because we didn't have the Peanut Butter. Fortunately I'd not changed and settled back into the house and hey, cookies. Lauren came with me and we ran to GOBM again, for one thing, and returned with three. Because that's how we roll. Jen made the cookies, Tommy came home around that time and was around and about. He seemed in a good mood, showed affection and was cooperative. That was pleasant, and I was doing well not reacting to things in ways I might typically do. I watched Reel Time, not paying full attention, but I really appreciated Kmele Foster talking about how the covid vaccine rollout and being subject to manipulation by people saying that more black people were at risk than elderly when the statistics show a 13 vs 80% health risk in favor of the elderly and that we had to remove race as a factor and look at populations in regions and health care access but not race. It was a great point, IMO. After that finished I thought I'd go ahead and try fitness+. I didn't wait long enough to think about and let the fact that Jen and Lauren were right then, stop me. I just brought it up and started it. They were giving me a modest hard time but all in fun and I think they were enjoying seeing how it worked too. That and singing along with Pink, impressing Lauren that Jen knew the words. It was just a 10min warm up/introductory session, but it was rewarding to do anything at all. I'll keep trying it out. It was raining tonight and Jen let Lauren and I walk the dog which coincided with a modest break in the rain. He's definitely fond of the smells that the rains bring out and goes a bit overboard w/the sniffing. Lauren and Jen watched shows and laughed, Tommy sat at the dining room table editing videos, and I put on the AirPods to listen to more from the Kingpin audiobook. I'm still really enjoying it. I continued listening as I took a PM shower and shaved in advance of the return to work tomorrow. I'll be targeting a 6am rise, we'll see how that goes. I've let the watch recharge so I can wear it overnight to see how the sleep tracking changes. This was a long entry. A lot happened today. Taking the time to stop, think back and remember the activities, thoughts, accomplishments and such makes me appreciate it all so much more. Even the most routine day can be peppered with moments of complete presence and gratitude.

Pro Nouns

Along with other transitions in 2021, are we done with the whole "pronoun" declarations in business email signatures?

two timer

I'm clearly watching too much Wes Anderson

Good start to my day with some focused meditations on consistency of practice and on letting go of background thoughts and distractions and focus on the moment. The distractions will still be there later. Valuable reminder. Tommy was pretty self-isolating throughout the day, resentful it seems about having any restrictions imposed during working hours. It's hard being in a small house. Hopefully he'll get some respite over the weekend. I worked inside at the dining room table and was super-busy all day. Got a lot done. It rained in the afternoon and I love the rain so I sat in the patio, enjoying the sound of rain on the metal roof. Jen made a great keto enchilada pie for dinner. Having wrapped up a full work day I spent the evening refining some habit tracking tools. I'm enjoying having the Apple Watch again. It's been really convenient to have shopping lists and reminders on my wrist again, amongst other features that are helping me focus and stay on task. I watched "Unfit" too, about Trump's mental status. What's happened in these last 4 years does not represent our so-called ideals and belief systems. It's put a spotlight on some of the very dark and disturbing aspects of human nature. How he got there is difficult to rationalize and believe but this documentary really helps lay out the logic behind his actions, and his appeal. I have to have faith in 'humanity' but humanity hasn't really shown that to be a reliable bet. There's an 'existential terror' that can come from looking at the big picture for too long. I miss having hope. It's being touted in the new administration and I'm fully on board with being part of the solution, but the problems need a hell of a lot more time and attention than I think people living in bubbles, like. Me, can fully understand or relate to.

…timing is everything

GNO last night included day 2 of the newly defined days per week I'll allow myself 1 drink. I had 2. Whiskey. Not massive pours but still more than one 'true' typical drink. I felt fine, but had a horrible headache and had been drinking water. My body's telling me something. So are podcasts I now listen to daily, including one discussing the whole similar experience, this am's release. The idea of a dry January and people feeling better. I'm not sure what I want to do, as I really don't consider myself anywhere near problematic in the least, I just want to lose weight and improve my health and reduce any 'routine' behavior that includes having a drink outside of a social or dining event. There must be something to the fact hat apps likes Strides and other goal setting tools and systems and plans include moderation or stopping drinking in their templates, while none promote starting or increasing. Hmmm. The wine I had Monday went well with the steak dinner and it didn't give me any issues at all. In any case, I'm 'dry' again until Monday when the week resets. Many of the other habits I'm tracking are going well, but I'm still making minor adjustments in frequencies and/or what warrants a positive or negative entry. The end goal of being more conscious and mindful, though, is succeeding. Work was quite busy with a slew of juggling of internship and GDPR/CCPA compliance tasks along with the routine responses/presence. I need to get more 1:1 time w/the team, maybe that should be a habit too. (Just set it up, so, yeah, it's a tracked goal). Walked to GOBM and back, helped with closing circles. Standing and Moving are good, exercise is lacking. That's something I want to start putting into practices via Fitness+. I had some back/forth w/Linda about some shared bills, Lauren updates, and promoting some mindfulness. Stepping lightly and with caution but hoping it continues to be a healthier dynamic, which will benefit us both and the kids too. Long way to go, but remain open and optimistic. Ran to Costco w/Tommy then took and dropped food at my moms. Got "The Untethered Soul" back. Returned Paula's hand written note to it. Tommy was a butt head all night. He's tense, restless, frustrated but also rude, condescending, defensive and just plain mean and unpleasant. As much as I enjoyed the time we spent yesterday afternoon/evening, I feel like I can't fully relax and trust him to treat me reasonably. I know this is complex, tied to all sorts of teenage angst and identify and conflict and more. I just find it hard to turn the other cheek so much. And it tests my patience. I do better being 'ready for anything' than not. Chatted with Lauren, she pressed through the pain today without meds. Interesting that she wanted to do so. Admitted that dinner was a challenge and she almost caved but did not. Sounds like one side's swelling more that the other, hopefully that'll go down soon. She'll be with us Sat PM so we'll need to plan on soft foods which his required through next Wednesday.

Lauren recently decided she wanted an Apple Watch and I had been reconsidering getting one again myself, primarily for the fitness and health aspects. I found and purchased one from a craislist seller on Tuesday, a series 4 44mm space gray w/cellular, and Lauren found one on CL too, a series 3 42mm stainless steel with cellular. So, in what amounts to less than 24hrs we both have them and it's been fun sharing the experience too. We had some issues with 'activation lock' on hers but the seller worked with us and unlocked it. I had forgotten about that, as it happened to me when I sold my Series 3 last year. We enjoyed Tuesday evening picking out bands on amazon together, and then, this morning, Tuesday 1/20, I took her for her dental appointment for wisdom tooth extraction. It went well. I waited in the lobby listening to the Biden inauguration while she was put out and they were pulled. It went relatively quick, about 1.5hrs or 2. I got her a Jamba on the way back to Pano and ran to CVS to get prescriptions. Linda came out and we talked for some time. It was pleasant but heart breaking too, in some ways, as I could sense how difficult things are for her right now. It was a pleasant exchange and made me feel optimistic that perhaps with more time we might find a better middle ground, but I also am concerned about her emotional state. She'd not been sleeping, it seems, from stress, and I tried my best to put that into perspective. Work went well, looks good for the PPP loan and the 2-intern move for FE coverage Tommy was restless so at 4pm we went for a 2.5hr drive up skyline and into PA then down foothill and through Stevens creek into Saratoga and down into LG. It was overdue. I've been busy and have had little time to do these sort of things. I'm glad I did. I retuned, got a bit of time w/Jen and the dog, ran some samples of whiskey to JS's porch in advance of our GNO. GNO was great fun again, as always. This group of 4 remains a well balanced dynamic that I'm grateful to have a part in. Scrambled to modestly maintain my daily 10pm bed time target with coffee queue'd and ready for tomorrow. Although I want to read, I may forego that tonight.

Greatly enjoyed a 2nd day of rest and relaxation. Found an interesting podcast delving into MLK, not just as a figure, but looking back in history and pointing out the way things were, at the time, including popularity and recognition and much more. In the end, a significant cultural shift came less with his actions at the time and far more from his martyrdom, which served as a catalyst and spotlight on the issues. Fascinating look back. And to imagine how the past few years have further escalated visibility into inate cultural biases and racism, it's frustrating to see how, even with as far as we've come, we have a lot farther to go. I spent some time reading and listening to podcasts. Although I have enjoyed Antkind so far, I'm getting restless. It's not something that's keeping me up turning pages as much as I'd hoped. I don't know that I can really focus on anything at the moment anyway. I have lots of books but my time and attention seem more suited of late to podcasts and articles. Enjoyed a nice dinner w/Lauren and Jen, low key PM looking at Apple Watches (Lauren wants one, I'm reconsidering one for myself but with much trepidation due to prior frustrations and time-sucking experiences getting the functionality I wanted. However now, with more effort on health and movement and such, it might be a worthwhile investment. Plus if Lauren has one we can send taps too! Tommy returned, had a great time, was pleasant and low key which was great. Jen's got tomorrow off but I don't and kids have school, so we'll see what comes of the day.

Sunday AM entry. Greatly enjoyed the day at home yesterday, working through a checklist of goals and tasks. I checked the CRV fluids (brake, transmission, etc) checked and topped off as necessary, replaced filters too. Worked more on WillMaker updates/continuations. Had a great call with Lindsey and updated some of the shared-document ideas. Picked up/cleaned up a good deal, too. Posted some times for sale on Craigslist. Cleaned out and ran the Roomba. All sorts of projects got addressed. Covid test results came in as 'botched' and needing new samples. I guess the person wasn't doing things properly. Not worried just annoyed and it's really too late to manage for Lauren to have before her surgery. Ultimately it's about Linda having some reassurances but its' in her court now to get testing done if she wants to try. We visited Matt B for dinner, outside, distanced and with a strong confidence in each of our respective covid states and exposure risks. It was awesome. SO good to get out and have a conversation. I broke my 17day 'dry' streak, but I'm fine with the occasional social situation. I just need to remember to not mix wine and spirits, which can mess me up a bit. Felt it this am. As for today we were going to take the dog out but decided to enjoy the day at home again, work on more projects/tasks or just chill with a book. Lauren returns tonight at 6, Tommy later in the evening after Tahoe, and I return to work Tomorrow. This is a nice slice of time to enjoy just having some space and free time. It's also MLK day, which I have typically spent watching some sort of documentary but I might instead find a podcast or two, as I want to get off the screen as much as I can and be more mobile.

Low-key AM, went to Calero for a hike on the south-side, but man, it was a challenge. Lots of up and down hill treks. Felt it. Prior outings were much easier, but Jen and Lauren felt it too, so it's not just me. Still, it's amazing how being so sedentary has taken it's toll. I'm glad I'm am still working on getting a daily walk in, and so far I've managed to do so without too many missed days. Having a dog to walk helps but I'm still trying to extend that for my own benefits. It's a great way to take a mental break and listen to audiobooks or podcasts. We didn't take the dog today, thank god, he's a PITA to walk and it would have made it exponentially harder. We hit Andale on the way back for a late lunch/early dinner, finished Cobra Kai Season 3 (sorta done with it, too), played Farkle, and dropped Lauren at Pano. Futzed around with the Oculus Go and decide it's time to sell it, just not using it enough. Talked awhile with mom, working on helping ensure she gets vaccinated asap. Hoping it's a matter of days, not weeks or months.

I heard back from the friend I was concerned about, which brought a bit of relief. I took the day off as planned. I started working on one of my top-priority "game plan" outlines. It falls right in line with the morning's meditations touching on the rewards of completing tasks, which is on the horizon for this one. I'll keep working on it over the long weekend. "Eating the frog", as it were, works. Got the covid tests for Lauren and myself in advance of her wisdom teeth removal. Helped Matt B out w/a post-dr visit pickup, and it was good to see him after so many months, hopefully we'll be able to get together again for social distance gathering of some kind. I think we're all feeling the impacts of isolation. I know I am and my mom is too. I got a good walk in this am and listened to more of Antkind. Made a Jamba run for Lauren, settled In for the evening. Tommy's of to Eric's and Tahoe for the next few days. I'll miss him, even though he's pissed I won't let him drive due to a problem with one grade needing to be fixed. Sorry, it's the agreement we made and I need to stick to it. Settled into 2 more Cobra Kai's and "Isle of Dogs". Late night at the movies!

The AM routines continue, and I've start adding in a brief post-listening step to capture/reflect on whatever I listen to in the AM. Because it's all to easily forgotten as the 'feed' of content progresses. It feels like a delicate art, managing pace, breadth and focus of all the content on podcasts and apps. I struggle with retaining something from 5 min ago when something else is already in my face for injection. So, today, I just stopped at the end and captured the key takeaways. Things like maintaining focus by recognizing distracting thoughts as such and trusting they'll return later, being conscious about holding onto and recognizing small moments of good and letting it 'land' and stick, recognizing habits you want to improve as things that make you feel better and thus, as investments, and a favorite concept, the connected nature of everything, people pets plants whatever - everything being sentient. That's a lot to take in over 30min or so. Daily. Which makes me thing that my current focus on numerous habits and focuses may be too aggressive. At least, perhaps, the frequency. Writing something, anything, daily, can still be too much, so maybe I'll lower my goal just a bit. When I started this, I figured a few weeks in I'd start to adapt and adjust, without abandoning. So I am. Work was good, really good day of engagement on my part. Managed to make headway on a slew of initiatives and even, finally, found a pretty effective way to manage my tasks and status within Jira. Big time saver to centralize and streamline the weekly content generation. Progress made on internships as well and on some OPS focuses. I'm taking tomorrow off, extending the 3 day weekend into 4. I have some high priority tasks still on my list and will be focused on one or more, along with the scheduled covid tests for Lauren, calling Lindsey, picking up Matt B, and Tommy's Tahoe departure tomorrow PM. My friend dealing with addiction issues has 'gone dark' and is unresponsive. That's really hard to manage. I'm angry, because it leaves me in a position of being uncertain if they're dead or on a bender or who-knows-what. All I know is that I'm stuck waiting for them to resurface, hopefully, and having been through this before, as much as I want the best for them, well, I can understand how these sort of dynamics kill friendships and relationships. I can only hope for the best. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Got up together, meditated/read together, talked/walked. Nice way to start the day. It's damned dark at 6am though. I though solstice already came and went. I thought the shortest sunlight hours were behind us. But that seems not to be the case, or at least, seems not to be the case at 6am. Or even 7am, frankly. I scheduled covid tests for Lauren, Tommy and myself Friday at 14:30. Prior to her surgery next week, in time to get the results well beforehand. So far I'm pretty confident nobody has it but the continued rise, the hospitalizations etc, are concerning. As are the contradictions from Fauci (GBS + Vaccine is not advised) vs CDC 9 days later (it's ok to get it). Crap. 1st priority is my mom, I'll wait for my slot to open and check again for any updates or revisions. Listened to 2 more chapters of Antkind and I'm really enjoying it. It sparked a desire to revisit some Wes Anderson so tonight I may do just that. Along with my efforts to maintain connections with friends and family, habits and routines, goals and accomplishments… I need to allow a day that's just a vegetation day. Gave scottie a bath, nice to have him clean again, needs some 'manscaping' too but not tonight. On a more sobering note I had a conversation w/a friend today that indicated further struggles with addition. Hard seeing somebody you care about struggle and not be able to really effect any more than encouragement, support and a reminder that they're capable of whatever they set their mind too, including regaining control. Which they've done before. I have never been in that specific place but I do understand the trappings of having the mindset that something is never going to change. I've been in that mindset myself, it's a struggle to always strive for just maintaining a positive perspective and confidence that progress comes in small ways. I'm hoping he manages to climb out of the funk of the moment. Talked to my mom for awhile, too, just to check in. She challenged the idea that David calls her 3x a week for hours at a time. Something's not right.

I'm still listening to Antkind and continuing to enjoy it. I like the interwoven references to cinema. I am dying to rewatch the Fantastic Mr Fox and Moonlight Kingdom again but I'm resisting doing so, as I am trying instead to focus on tasks of my own. Work was consuming, and I barely saw anybody all day even thought they were all in the house. Lauren's back at her mom's now, Tommy grabbed some ski gear from a craigslist post tonight, and beyond the aforementioned audiobook, I didn't get much done. I did hear from Jeri, a brief voicemail, which was nice. I reached out to Brent, Matt, Matt, checking in. Also coordinated w/Linsdey to talk on Friday. Talked yesterday to my brother for about 30min and it was good. Jen made a great spinach salad w/chicken today which satiated a craving I've had for days. I'm really grateful for who she is and we don't get enough time to be 1:1, but his am we both were up before 6, she read, I mediated and listened to some podcasts and we sat and talked about all sort of random things. It was really pleasant. By the end of the day we're exhausted so maybe this is how we carve out some personal time for together.

Really REALLY crappy sleep. Just couldn't relax, still the mind, and in hindsight I should have just gotten up and done something more productive. I finally fell asleep around 4am, woke around 8am to find Jen had already gotten up (6am) and now she's taking my role over as the early riser, reader, and the book she's reading is about meditation. POZER! ;-). Once up, I did my daily "calm" app routine, and really loved "Tale Spin" by Jeff Warren. I identified with it, very much. The battle of being human, imperfect, but hard on yourself about your imperfections. It hit a nerve. Tommy headed out to ExtraHours and Lauren Jen and I went to New Almaden, without scottie, to check out the Almaden Quicksilver Mines park. I've heard lots about it, but never been. We ended up going on a 4.5hr, 7.4 mile hike! We did the entire loop AND backtracked a bit as we got off path/went the wrong directions. I am SO out of shape, and already feel it, but it felt good to have made it, even though a few times (especially the backtracking) were challenging. There's some fascinating history there, we'll likely go back. None of us had eaten in the am so we were famished when we finally got back to the car. So I ordered Mojo Burgers (consciously supporting a local family business over a chain), returned home and collapsed onto the couch to watch 2 more Cobra Kai episodes. I'm losing interest. It's fine, kinda fun, but the ROI is diminishing as they appear to be stretching things out to fill time, and it's feeling more repetitive than warranted. Tommy returned and I ran him for Panda Express to go. Walked the dog, played Farkle again after first cleaning up/tidying up/prep'ing for the next day. That's a habit that's become well engrained. I wanted to write and listen to Antkind. I thought it was 9pm and I'd get a jump on it. It turned out to be 8pm. My switching to 24hr time is throwing me off, but the fatigue of the day can serve as a scapegoat too. I hope the walk today contributes to a really good sleep, and that tomorrow, my legs will still willingly support me.

Tommy was at Extra Hour all day. Worked on "WillMaker" tasks w/Jen. Great progress on a "P1" task-list initiative. Something I've put off for far too long, and relatively simple to do too. Relatively. Heh. Also cleaned up and organized the 'top level' structure of my cloud documents. Overall, a nice low-key day. Keto-fried chicken w/Lauren and Tommy showing up just after we got started. Watched the first two season 3 "Cobra Kai" episodes. The acting and writing and such didn't improve but, in a nostalgic way, with a bit of squinting and grimacing and a huge amount of suspension of disbelief, it's a fun family thing to do. Played "Farkle" with Lauren and Jen. Watched some "Hamilton" as we wound down.

I really enjoy the morning routines with Jen and Scottie. Sometimes it feels inconvenient but most of the time it's a nice slice of the day we start together, talking about what comes up. It seems, I think, I talk more than she on most occasions. That's probably true. Today though she told me about a dream she had in which or ex-brother-in-law who passed away came to her in a dream. It was interesting. He was abstract in form and the experience was one that made her feel he was saying goodbye. It lead to a philosophical talk about what may or may not exist in some other realm of consciousness outside of our physical body, about afterlife, and about how we approach our lives. I took something she related about the dream to imply that what we deal with during this lifetime and all that we concern ourselves with might just end up being as significant in an afterlife as the upset we felt at 3 years old when we struggled with a drawing or didn't want to wear a particular article of clothing. Compteley and utterly insignificant and inconsequent in light of the bigger picture. Having had Paula pass away last night likely played into the discussion but it was interesting and inspirational to just hear her thoughts and such. I'm so grateful to have her be so tolerant of my rantings, too. I've had a long week, and felt it mid-day and into the evening. Fuzzy-minded and sort of resigned to just be still, mentally, for awhile. We had fun playing Farkel with Jon and Cheryl over zoom. Great simple fun easy game. A total 'last minute' thing that work nicely into the evening. Going to go try and get back into Antkind now.

The World Through Wider Eyes

Paula, Ruby & Violet Burkholder - year unknown

Why must so many things I write of late be somehow relate to death? Even I myself am getting tired of it. "Sick to death" of it, even. Yet, death continues to encroach on my life, my psyche, and thus my writing.

My aunt Paula, a woman I admire, whose presence has become more impactful over the past few years, Passed away last night. She had battled brain cancer over at least a decade, I believe, including at least two "successful" surgeries, yet the battle continued through a recent bout that came to this inevitable conclusion.

I'm still working on refining, improving and adopting some habits, and frankly hope I always will be. The 'strides' app has been great. I've only owned it for some 5+ years and attempted to use it as many times without getting the appropriate traction, but it's sticking and it's not just encouraging, it's fun. Fun in that I'm not taking any specific goals too seriously. I'm throwing a marker out ahead of me and jumping to see if I can reach it. Then, refining it after enough experience to find the right balance. In any case I'm finding this a really fruitful exercise. My patience with Tommy, for example, and not reacting to triggers. Or the presence and engagement and efforts I'm making to carve out more time to read, it's all proving worth the effort and investment. My day included meeting Marlin in LG for coffee and it was surprisingly pleasant, a balance of some work and some personal conversations. He's pretty optimistic about 2021 for the company and that is encouraging. I took Tommy to LGSR on the way there and back. Jen made a wonderful keto chicken dish. I'll be writing about it separately but the news did come, as expected, that Paula passed away late this evening, about 1hr before writing this. I had already set the Alan Watts book out on the headboard to read from tonight, likely right about the same time, and I will be doing that shortly to conclude my day, and to focus some thoughts about somebody that's come to mean more to me in the past few years than all those before. I think in great part because she had insight, familial experiences and wisdom I was in need of and ready to receive.

… oh, yeah, also, Zeke 'n Cleatus dropped by…

Got up by 6.30am and tried to help Eric C w/the 7am assault on the Pinecrest reservation site without success, but I'm hoping to continue the routine and habit of that wake up time. I've worked on adoption a range of habits over the past few months and, so far, I'm pretty pleased with the progress. That extra time in a warm bed is awesome, but robs me of the chance to put more time into higher priorities, or take a little more time not rushing into and through my day. I sent my cousin/aunt the short video I shot last night and she replied later in the day with gratitude. I shot and sent another tonight, w/Jen making an appearance too. I hope it reaches Paula tomorrow. She was apparently unresponsive today. Lindsey reached out to myself, Marissa and David to share that she's tested positive for covid as has 3/5 of her home occupants. She's feeling it, but not hospitalized, and riding it out. She's frustrated by the sense of apathy that got her to this place, not by her own measure but by others that discount the risks. It's yet another 'close call' and makes me all the more concerned about ensuring the appropriate caution be taken. Watched a documentary about "The Ren & Stimpy Show", and did not see the end coming. Wow. I was Luke warm on it until the last 1/4 then it started to unravel the subtext. Although the actions are reprehensible, I found the nature of how they approached and incorporated the idea of personal demons and/or the use of art as a coping mechanism, outlet or other value through which somebody deals with it, surprisingly insightful and, for lack of a better term, human.

 Happy "would have been 87th" Birthday, Dad.

Yesterday was pretty full. So much so that, even though I expected to sleep out of exhaustion, I was anything but tired. I wrestled with the covers as well as the idea of getting back up and doing something, anything, besides lay away in bed. Eventually I caved and rose, quietly, made myself a cup of Ginger Lemon tea, grab a few packets of Honey Roasted peanuts and a few matching squares of 85% Lindt, turned on the TV, put on the bluetooth Bose OE2s and stayed up until ~2am watching a random set of trump-bashing late night shows and Cineflix episodes on YouTube capturing a slew of their "the 10 most <adjective> movies ever" videos. I was thrilled to see "Synecdoche, New York" listed as #2 in the "10 most emotional movies of all time". Amen to that. I still managed to get up, albeit a bit later than planned and groggy as hell, in time to have time to manage the usual morning routines before settling into the work day. Although it was a relatively routine day, the 1:1 w/Randy was enjoyable and covered work and non-work topics, I had a conversation with a direct report that seemed to maybe slightly passively imply a possible departure on the horizon…, but I'm not really sure yet. And a late PM call from my boss introducing a desire to setup an in-person 1:1 social-distance monthly coffee or lunch for the purpose of maintaining contact, connection and sanity. My first thought – termination. Actually, my second thought was that, my first was to buy into the proposal as being sincere and it was only later, mulling it over, that I started to get nervous. What felt good was feeling like, well, at least I'll stop waiting for it, and I'll be ok. Some later sleuthing on my part (I have my sources) revealed that it's more likely the first assumption, sincere. I'll know Thursday at 2pm. I'll be fine either way. Jeri indicated Paula had a much better day, not 'out of the woods' but she was more responsive, which is good. It's not clear this is going to turn around, but if nothing else, it might be a more peaceful exit if that's where it goes. I'm going to send her an impromptu support video. Linda reached out to revise the plans for Lauren's upcoming wisdom tooth removal, and the level of concern being voiced about all of the various aspects, steps, restrictions and such seems to be far more to her than it is to me. Still, putting empathy and consideration before irritation and frustration, I'm going to work as much with her as to the updates and actions and what have you, as possible. However, she can't call me, and although she's not blocked at the phone level maybe I blocked her through ATT. It might be the case, I recall getting pretty frustrated more than once. Closed the night with GNO, enjoyed the chance to stay connected, as always.

"Faced with a choice between changing one's mind and proving there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy with the proof." - J.K. Galbraith

I managed to drag myself out of bed early, which I'm proud of, but I was groggy. Still, for me, the practice of meditation works best before my mind fully engages with chaotic random abstract parallel thoughts. It's helpful to get right to it before looking at any emails, calendars, or listing to news or podcasts. I'm still using the "Calm" app and there's a 2nd daily meditation now that's really been great. I'm doing both. The first is a bit more of a soft gradual soft-spoken wakeup while the 2nd is more 'alert', a bit more casual, lightly comical at times, and direct. It's doubled my AM time doing this but it's been good. Still, especially with work stress and kid stress and covid stress, I'm starting to wonder if carving out a slice of afternoon and/or evening time might be a good idea. It'll be a challenge, calming the mind that is, but then… that is the point of all of this. So I'll give it a shot tonight and tomorrow. Meanwhile, work was, well, ok but also continues to feel like we have some ground to recover before I can relax fully. I'll leave it at that. From a parenting standpoint I was extremely proud of myself this AM when I caught and stopped myself from saying something in response to Tommy's praise of Jen's banana bread muffins (that we bought bananas he insisted he'd eat but failed to do so as he said he would) which would have just been a pointless comment to make. It wouldn't change his failure to recognize that he might ask for something and not consume it, and it would have resulted in snark back and forth. I recognized my own role in that dynamic in the moment, a conscious awareness, and I nipped it in the bud.  Lauren's back with us tonight through Wednesday PM. In the evening I sorta lost my shit in the car over Tommy's language and response to my request for something more calming than explicit-lyric rap music. It was a response I didn't catch as proactively as this mornings, but I shut it (myself) down for furthering it. And after today, he can't drive my car unless he agrees in advance that I choose and control any music, not him. I've pressed this point before and now, it's no longer an option. I think I snapped, though, because I got a call today from my cousin and learned that my aunt is in really, really bad shape. It appears she's dying, and soon. I talked to Jeri, talked to my mom afterwards too, and I'm doing all I can to keep a healthy and positive perspective on the nature of such situations as a part of life's journey, as I know Paula would appreciate and encourage.

"A goal without a plan is just a wish." Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

We took the dog into Saratoga around 9am with the intention of strolling around town but we ended up going along some of the backstreets and ended up at Madronia. It gave me an unexpected opportunity to take some photos, send my friend Matt a reminiscence of his parents (buried there) as well as a chance to reflect on my own history within those same walls too. The dog was a PITA downtown, but much easier on the side roads. It sparked some writing ideas. We got Coffee downtown at the outset which was a welcome change, too. Not many people out and about but most wore masks. The 'foggy glasses' issue is getting old, I've tried a few propertied tricks [soap, wax, shaving cream] but none work as well as a folded/rolled tissue, which I keep forgetting to do. I may resort to medical tape soon, given that this'll be ongoing for months. On the way home I got text messages for AppleID verification, which initially made me wonder if there was a hack under way, but Jen's 1st thought was my mom, given the efforts yesterday getting her past some login issues. I Called her, it was, and I helped out. Hopefully that'll not keep happening. When we got back we packed up the rest of the Christmas stuff, I took out the tree, and then settled into watching Magnolia again, based on my morning walk and thoughts that came to mind. I love that movie, it's filled with such well developed characters, dramatically emotional portrayals of very genuine human experiences, emotions, conflicts and resolutions. The performances are all phenomenal too. I googled and read a bit of trivia and insider stories that made me appreciate it all the more. I consider it a masterpiece. Yes, it's abstract and surreal but it's artful in that aspect, and there's a point to the absurdity of the frogs hidden therein that I never knew about beforehand. I sent a short email to Extra Hours regarding Tommy's work, being very supportive of it but also asking for their help in overseeing social distancing guidelines and also being aware of school starting again and schedule impacts. Grazed on leftovers for dinner and listened to a few more chapters of "Antkind", which plays well into the theme of abstract and surreal. It's good, I'm enjoying it, but it does take full concentration. I may switch from audio to print for this endeavor. Tommy returned from Tahoe around 9pm, had a good time, showed some beautiful videos and photos, and went to bed. I've had a really good extended weekend, and it's been something that has given us both a much needed breath of fresh air and reconnection. Although work demands return in the morning, some of the practices and mindsets of the past couple of weeks are things we want to carry forward in 2021 as priorities. Our daily routines and work schedules need not prevent us from putting the appropriate emphasis on our lives getting an equal percentage of the split in "work/life balance".

Her: How'd you know the dog had to go poop?

Me: It was a process of elimination.

Instinks

Her: How'd you know the dog had to go poop?

Me: It was a process of elimination.

De-Light

Tonight begins the point from which we can silently judge all whose Christmas Lights are still on their houses.

The Past Ain't Through With Us

I’ve been taking some long walks lately, the purpose being to get some movement, time out of the house, and to add some experiences to my day. Today, at Jen’s recommendation, we ended up in Saratoga in the early morning. With the Dog. The dog was a royal pain, as is his nature when in unfamiliar settings, yet he fares better when given a bit of leash lead and room to wander about ahead of us. The main drag there is not conducive to that and populated enough to make it problematic, so we made our way up towards the side road. We stopped in front of 14630 Saratoga Avenue, a dilapidated and ancient cottage, and reflected on the personal history we both have with one of its prior residents.

Worked out some logistical confusion in order to keep Lauren longer today than originally expected, which was great. We continued the good times from yesterday into this morning. She helped me take down the Christmas house lights, Jen made a stellar breakfast (steak 'n eggs). Took a nice walk w/the Dog at Martin/Fontana Park. I love that dog but man he's not a fan of going places. He is straining to get back to the car for the duration, most of the time. Went for another driving practice too and she did so very well. It's wonderful that she's getting more confident and comfortable. Chilled out for the afternoon including helping my mom for about an hour doing tech support around her computer and continued issues. I feel bad for her, listen, let he vent, recognize my own tendencies and their origins, and help get her back up and running. Resolved some issues, some remain pending, but left feeling positive about my efforts and compassion. Jen and I watched "Food: A Documentary 2" on Amazon Prime, which was inspirational and informative. Wrapped up the day w/a streamed shared viewing of "Kiss 2020 Goodbye", hosted by Brian, with Jess along for the ride (although I don't think he realized what he was in for :-D). It was fun, more fun than I'd expected, with several favorite songs being played. The production and filming, for a 'one time' live event, was incredible. The level of coordination and effort had to be extensive. This was pretty much my first foray into the whole idea of a 'watch together' experience and it worked well enough to consider trying more in the future. Heard from Tommy, sounds like they're continuing to have fun in Tahoe, and he's got some interest in his video work from another company, too, which is great, but has it challenges too as far as staying focused on school, amongst other concerns.

"Hold Onto The Memories, They Will Hold Onto You." - Taylor Swift

New Year's Eve Day, and today, New Year's Day (yes, I did listen to U2 today), were both good days. Tommy was in Tahoe, Lauren was at her mom's, and we had the place to ourselves. After the fiasco of trying to help find Tommy's snow gear, and the frustrations of finding crap stuffed into his closet (where'd he learn that?) including things I wanted/needed, I spent a couple of hours pulling out, going through and putting away about 60% of the things in his room. I left many things status quo while clearing random crap like wrappers, firecrackers (disposed of, of course) and clothes that are well beyond their need for laundering. I'll be revisiting the simple expectations about laundry, towels, food wrappers and such on Monday. I used the time to start listening to "Antkind" (quirky, surreal, abstract, as expected) and chatted with my dear cousin Jeri awhile. She's in New Mexico seeing her mom, my aunt Paula, who's undergone another surgery for brain tumors and is struggling with recovery. We're getting old, she's lost her father and sister in the past year or two now, and these things weight heavy on us. How'd we get so old? We're lucky we have. With some help doing this inside vs the BBQ, I made us dinner, Ribeye with richly caramelized onions and mushrooms, topped with Blue Cheese and accompanied by a 2014 Malbec. It was delicious. Met with friends in Zoom including one who'd had a heart attack 1 week ago to toast the new year on Central time. It was good to see everybody, it always is. I cracked open the "Uncle Nearest 1856" and it's dammed good! I had a chance to try that, Makers and the 23yr old single malt. I can't say one's better than another but I can say I tried too hard to figure that out. I'm gonna be stepping back from the drink for awhile again while working on reclaiming some lost ground on weight-loss-hill. I also scarfed down more peanut butter ice cream than I should have or needed, resulting in a pretty upset stomach. Made it to bed right at 12, calmed Scottie as fireworks went off all around us.

Having not slept well, I work rethinking my actions, the ice cream, whiskey, wine, etc. Decided to setup some simple reminders and use the Strides App again. I'm not looking for a method that'll accompany me to writing a book, but I'm looking at this journal and how capturing routines like cleanup, parenting focus, mediation and such made a big difference in my adopting those mindsets and turning them into habits, like brushing teeth A n instinctual act. Simple easy behavior and focus oriented goals. I thought them through, set them up and started capturing them there. I'll be using the space as a means to capture experiences and reflections but less about specific accomplishments and progress. It's evolved, continues to, and it's still serving a valuable purpose. Meanwhile, Lauren came at 10am while Tommy's in Tahoe through Sunday PM. Jen made some amazing banana bread muffins, keto and regular. I spent 1hr+ just chatting with Matt C, really enjoyed the conversation.  We took off for a hike at Calero, driving through the "Golf Links" homes we love so much, on the way there. I found it a bit annoying to have to manage the dog while bikes were coming and going from both directions throughout the hike, but it was still a great way to get some fresh air and movement. We then took off through "New Almaden" (an awesome area too), past Quicksilver Mines, to Hicks, then back down the hill and home. Took Lauren to practice driving at the Camden Park-n-Ride, she did great. I'm going to continue working next week on getting her approval for at least getting a provisional permit. She's fully capable of navigating safely, IMO. She just has to learn to not panic if something goes unexpected. We can work on that. :-) Ended the day with home-made Pizzas on Cauliflower crust. Talked to Linda for ~20+ minutes to work out some logistics/plans for Lauren's upcoming wisdom-tooth removal on 1/20. Inauguration + Teeth extraction on the same day? If it was Trump, it'd make sense. We don't talk often, I'm always hesitant about things going south but it went relatively well.