When I stop and reflect on my parenting, I recognize that I went into it with apprehension and uncertainty. I wasn't the driving force; somebody else drove me. I slept walked through their early years. I acquiesced my authority. I was one of two "loyal fans and adoring servants." I failed to balance my time between one who needed it and one who demanded it.
When I consider former relationships, I have to admit to often going through the motions, seeking approval, and gaining acceptance. I was more concerned about how others saw me than just being my genuine self.
When I consider my employment history and performance, I recognize that I might have been a "B player" at best, perhaps a "C" player depending on who you ask, in any number of positions. I can do great things with aggressive gusto when I am passionately engaged. Still, I'm capable of apathetically "dialing it in," making the minimum effort necessary to maintain the status quo. I missed opportunities that might have improved where I am now.
I've been working towards living more consciously. That includes being more honest about my actions, desires, and intentions. I've had to resist reacting with sub-conscious reflexes to triggers that still exist. Like my son making a smart-ass comment, my ex-wife positioning herself as a victim, or my mom digging into my late father's character. These are all prone to elicit a response I know isn't healthy for me or the situation. It's just ingrained. Routine. Habitual. And a dynamic of the rapport my historical behavior has established, just like flinching when my brother abruptly raises his hand. I believe this is called a learned response.
Reflections like this are at the forefront of my thoughts these days for several reasons. My focused engagement may aid my continued employment and contribute to the company's long-term success. My children's natural distancing and increasing independence remind me that my scope of influence is ebbing, something I embrace as a bittersweet accomplishment. A recent change in the dynamic with my ex-wife, being a bit more open dialog, has me mindful of being compassionate but not complicate in taking on a rescuer's role.
I'm gradually learning to take a moment and consider my responses with more intention and consideration than I used to. I don't feel compelled to rush to an agreement, to keep the peace, or to avoid the discomfort of conflict. It's liberating.