Highlights: Lauren returned to Sac w/out any issues. Coffee at Starbucks w/Mark. Updates from Jen who is in Flagstaff tonight. Going to an impromptu lunch with Tommy & the Marioni family. Completing some key documentation needs for Jikoji.

Insights: Yet another calendar year will end tonight. Another trip around the sun amidst a flurry of ongoing seasonal transitions through nature. Through life. In years prior, our home might have been filled with music, food, drink, laughter, and more bodies than we had chairs to hold. Tonight, I'm alone in the same room, with all of the same chairs, only they're empty. Tommy will return at some point and most likely depart again, as he is prone to do. And I'm alone. Comfortably alone. I have some light keto snacks, tea instead of alcohol, and a relaxing alto sax jazz station, based on an artist I was recently introduced to, playing throughout the house. My initial intention was to revisit, recap, and rehash highlights of the past year, as you see elsewhere each year. I have many things spanning the past 365 days that were critical, pivotal, inspirational or annoyingly recursive and unchanging. Why relive that? It's all there already. I see no need to "Reader's Digest it" over. What I culled of the year so far will be scrapped in exchange for the simple observation and reinforcement of the most prominent topic in my writings. Gratitude. I repeat myself extensively in these daily posts, and gratitude surfaces as a common theme. Striving for it, experiencing it, voicing it, and reinforcing it. I also appreciate the history I've captured here, literally day by day, and the archive it holds for my friends and family of our shared experiences, as well as my own musings and insights. I feel better about where I am, both physically and mentally, now than where I was 12 months ago. There will be more opportunities for improvement provided I integrate what I learn rather than forgetting or ignoring it. Life is a learning experience. Routine lessons, tests and pop quizzes are core to the curriculum. But I'm in no hurry to take the final.

⚖️176.4(-1.8) ❤️63(61-104) 👣 6,281/2.8mi (🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

This was a full and rewarding day. The "18 rabbit" coffee was awesome. Jen left with Cindy around 9. 30 after which Lauren and I went to Jikoji. It took awhile for me to commit to the task of running the ethernet but learning that the rest of the week would have rain daily pushed me to just get it done. And we did. Her help was so useful. It took a few attempts and creative thinking but it all fell into place in the end. And the resulting speed improvement was substantial. Once done we enjoyed a bite at Aqui before going to visit my mom and pickup a knee brace to hopefully reduce the pain from the strain. Back home I got the leaves all off the street and into the bins as well as resetting the outdoor furniture cover for tomorrow's rain. Then we made a sunset run to Mt Umanhum that was well worth the effort. We "zipped through" the exit gate just opened by an exiting car in order to get in and up in time. It was her idea as was walking the stairs to the top which was much easier now that I have been getting routine exercise. Tommy had to hire a guy to help get his new computer set up which I think proved well worth it. Shelby came over after and they went out while Lauren and I dropped the car to charge and walked back with Lucky. We played SkipBo and called it a night. It was a great day together. I am very grateful to have the time we share and the rapport we have nurtured.

⚖️178.2(+1.4) ❤️64(59-116) 👣 9,610/4.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

We watched Lauren's journey from Sacramento via "Find my'" and shared locations. She made it down with no significant issues beyond the dense fog that can be so difficult to drive in. Apple Maps navigation audio played through her speakers as intended, and the satisfaction it clearly gave her to have done this was rewarding to witness. She was right about the specific section of the door causing the window-closure problem. I was able to get it loosened enough to inch it back out and to reapply tape as a visual cue. We ran an errand or two, and I was comfortable as a pass­enger. I think she's doing well. Very well. She got together with her friend Elissa while I worked out. Jen made wings (delicious), and we played dominoes. Tommy came and went as is typical. He returned around 10 with Vinny to assemble a new computer he bought. Allegedly, a "necessity" for his studying. I call bullshit, but I don't care anymore. His actions and choices are his to make, not mine. I have learned my lessons. He will learn his. Maybe, maybe not. Jen's leaving for a road trip with Cindy tomorrow morning. Lauren and I will putter about, and she leaves on Wednesday. I am looking forward to a few solo days to attend to things of my own interest and initiative. Eating well, exercise, maybe a hike or two, reading, writing and orienting myself to some agendas and intentions.

⚖️176.8(-1.8) ❤️60(58-96) 👣 5,271/2.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

Highlights: The consumption of wine, carbs and sugars at our gathing last night caught up to me in the early morning. It was awful. I felt miserable for several hours. It really isn't open to discussion or negotiation at this stage. It's too high a price to pay in order to not feel like the party-pooper because I don't want to be up at 3am trying not to puke while riding out intestinal pain. True friends will understand and support my well being. Lauren's christmas gift to Tommy is to take him to Rush Creek, a sibling trip for the two of them, in mid- January. Tommy wants Jen and I to go but we don't want to. This is their trip not ours, and her gift to him. Jennifer is leaving this Tuesday for a full week on a road trip with her friend Cindy M. to Texas. Lauren's coming down tomorrow thru Wednesday.

Insights: I have come to a few turning points and realizations recently, with the help of my wonderful wife and sounding board. We both have. As she was revisiting the Scottie book earlier today she noted how, when we first got him in 2019, Linda had only three years left to live, and less than two before her diagnosis and decline. It struck me to reflect on that from the point of unknowing. It calls for introspection and awareness of our own unknowing. and for both of us the waste of time that's spent trying to win the approval of others. To the point of sacrificing our authentic selves. It will be a focus moving forward as we strive to make more deliberate choices about how we use the time we have to its fullest. I heard a song on my "Division" playlist while walking through the bedroom past the shelves that were once filled with Lindas belongings and now contain Jennefer's. I felt a wave of grief around the passing of time and the certainty that either of us will have to face such a transition in our own future. Balancing that level of awareness with gratitude to have had it at all is quite a challenge. I thought I had a better handle on this, but then the dog had to go and test my mettle.

⚖️178.6(+0.6) ❤️63(60-116) 👣 4,665/2.1mi (🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: wrestled with my defensive demons around a joke Jen made about or doors not opening & closing after the intense rains. I took things personal, and I don't like my defensive side. All worked out even though I did not… I aborted working out so I could fix the doors. And help prep for guests. We had an informal gathering of geeks & spouses at Pano. It was enjoyable, but my limitations with sound and parallel discussions made it a bit challenging to engage in a focused manner. It was rewarding to talk Jazz with Ethan and aswap recommendations. I expect to pay a price for relaxing my rigidity around food and wine but It was a conscious choice.

⚖️178(0) ❤️59(57-116) 👣 7,376/3.5mi

Lauren returned to Sacramento this afternoon following an unusually long visit enjoyed by all. I rode shotgun while Jen rode our wake, literally, at least once. When I took the train up last Monday to ride home in a similar fashion, I had concerns about the weather. But it was nothing substantial that night. Driving from Stanford late Wednesday night, the rain and wind had me grateful she wasn't having to navigate them in my place. But what she took on today was way beyond my wildest fears, and she managed it with as much grace as there is in her name. The last 20 minutes getting into Sacramento is always a chaotic cluster of lane crossings and closures. Today was no exception, only amplified 10x by the dramatically intense rainstorm downpour imaginable. I would have hated being behind the wheel, and I have decades of driving under my belt. Knowing first-hand that she's got this gives us greater confidence in her driving. I am genuinely and deeply aware of, and grateful for, the rapport and connection we share. She has an incredible, if not equal, relationship with Jennifer and acknowledges the closeness of the family we are. And with her, I feel recognized and appreciated as a parent and someone whose impact is positive. What a gift. Later tonight, while walking from Leigh after leaving the Tesla to charge, I was picked up mid-way by Tommy and appreciated his own efforts and challenges too.

⚖️178(-0.8) ❤️64(60-107) 👣 6,769/13.7mi

This may be the most subdued and understated Christmas morning of my entire life. We have the house decorated, yes, with the tree in place, yet nothing beneath it. No gifts. Instead, we are taking them to Vegas early next year to see the Wizard of Oz and have a nice meal. Plans for the afternoon changed with a call to my mom. Jen, Lauren and I were going to her cousin Valerie's in Sunol for Christmas dinner. My mom was going to come too, but wrote me yesterday stating that her knee issue, which had been getting better, was now getting worse. She was implying concern that she'd broken something and that she'd need to call 911 or wait until tonight, when I got back. I, of course, canceled my part in our Christmas plans and took her to Stanford ER. 5+ hours later, she was cleared of anything concerning.

⚖️178.8(+1.4) ❤️(74-125) 👣 3,512/1.6mi (🏃‍♂️)

… the mind reels

⚖️176.4(-1.6) ❤️61(59-119) 👣 8,750/3.9mi (🏃‍♂️)

Weight For It

I blame the shortbread cookies Jen made. And Los Gatos cafe's butter-drenched Rye and herbed potatoes. Lauren's visit, our neighbor's generous daily onslaught of confections and baked decadence. And Jon's Toffee. OMFG Jon's Toffee. That alone can be the sole cause of the static, hovering state of weight loss over the past few weeks.

Although the "SAD" light worked as intended and brought the light in the room up naturally, I was unable to wake. Jen did, and went off to breakfast with Cindi. She had brought up Scottie last night, feeling a wave of sadness at his absence after having noticed within her photos how images of him abruptly stopped. Maybe the timing of the book as a gift is poor. Her bringing it up rebooted my own sense of trauma and loss. As she said last night, "This does not feel normal." Much of my own grief stems from the fact that I was hesitant to take more aggressive action, and more accepting of the fact that he had been declining and you can't fix mortality. I do a lot of rationalization around this because, old age and timing out not withstandinghe did not seem "ready "to go. But one could say the same about Tom, Nicole, and the vast number of others here today and gone the next. In a way my own trauma is tied to hers. she may have taken him to the net sooner, perhaps extending his life for longer, and perhaps allowing her more of an aware­ness that the time left was limited. All of this is just a lot of what-if's and coulda woulda shoulda thinking. But it got to me as it got to her last night. And all of this just adds to a sense of precarious uncertainty along with a daily striving to somehow accept all of the randomness without letting it bring me down. I don't want to live my life like Linda did. I want to be grateful to have a glass at all, aware in the moment that it has cracks and is essentially already broken. As for the day now behind me, I felt off balance. Perhaps due tothe lack of sleep, the irritation surrounding the PT cruiser headlight restoration effort, or any other of a handful of 0. C. D. level disruptions. All passing transitory issues that can be found being lamented on numerous previous entries over the years.

⚖️178(+1.4) ❤️62(60-105) 👣 5,327/2.5mi

Lauren's back down and with us until Friday. I rode the 8:57 out of Santa Clara to meet her at the station in Sacramento. I drove us out of town and to Fairfield and she did all the driving from there. she is feeling better about it and so am I. We picked up the headlight kit and new wiper blade (which made a big improvement). After this week I think she'll be ready to go solo. She brought down "Peaches" and "Megatron", two hamsters, hers and a friends, respectively. She and Jen went to play cards at a friends while I stayed home, cleaned up and watched a documentary on Counting Crows. It was awesome to see a clip of their SNL performance of "Round Here" which floored me when I watched it live, and to revisit their start with addition insight into the things that fueled success and sacrifice.

⚖️176.6(0) ❤️64(60-114) 👣 4,673/2.2mi

Howes your coffee, "The Holiday Special" episode, went well. It was good to be back after the hiatus since Thanksgiving. There may be one more show before the year's end, likely a recap of the season highlights. Tommy & Vinny joined at the end before a breakfast outing at LG Cafe. I made dog food, which brought back memories of the last time I did so, Scottie's last day alive. It's still hard. His absence is felt daily by both of us. I am surprised and slightly embarrassed to admit how attached I was to him. Sigh. Jen and I went door-to-door to drop gifts to our neighbors. I was on the verge of bailing on it as an obligatory act, but I am happy I overcame my curmudgeon stance. It's a great tradition we have all fostered for years. It sets a tone of community, and many of our neighbors are people we consider friends. All have welcomed me back and embraced Jennifer as if that's a surprise. We ended up visiting with Charlotte, our 96-year-old neighbor, who is so impressively sharp and relatively active. She is what one might call a "firecracker" with a heavy Maine accent. Jen made a big batch of chili, which was well-suited to the grey, overcast weather. Lauren is going to come down tomorrow for the week. I am grateful that she is showing caution about trying to do so solo with limited time behind the wheel, especially in the rain. I will take the train up and help drive back down. We will all feel a bit safer.

⚖️176.6(0) ❤️59(57-104) 👣 4,424/2mi (🏋️‍♂️)

I had planned to go to Jikoji this morning to sit, to have our weekly planning meeting, to reinforce the "do not unplug" aspect of the outlet in the community room with a replacement outlet and a few tiewraps, but by 2 AM I knew it would have to wait. "2 AM Jen" and I were up, talking through the upset she was trying to process related to her mom. It's a challenge, has been before, and a conversation with her brother yesterday triggered her to a point of despair. I recognize in her a level of sensitivity and venerability I have when it comes to the way my son can treat me. My response is typically anger and disbelief Her's is self doubt and hurt. I can react to these incidents with less empathy than she needs. I get protective of her, even when she is the one treating herself poorly. It's easy and obvious for me to see the whole picture because I am fully outside the frame. It's a complex and complicated situation, and not unique. She's doing much better today. I took my mom to her second chemo appointment and that too had it's share of difficulty. Her hip and knee were giving her trouble. I anticipate she will rebound while knowing that might not always be the case. I finally got in gear on rerouting the sump pump. 80 % of the way, at least. I just need a tube and some river rocks. Lucky walked with me tonight to get the car. He did great-the pork rinds are helping to train him to heal. FINALLY!

⚖️176.6(0) ❤️58(57-108) 👣 6,959/3.4mi (🏃‍♂️)

Sunset lighting the 99-year-old Sacramento Railroad Depot

There are certainly days that seem almost numbingly routine, while others bring about all sorts of challenges, changes, engagements, and entanglements. I got up at 5.40 with Jen and Lauren – they were going for a walk, while I went to the gym. I got there around 6.15 AM, and there were as many people there then as there are around 3 PM. Few. I went through the routines somewhat detached, perhaps half sleepwalking and half unrattled or undistracted by the events of the morning, as there'd been nothing but waking and working out. I liked it. Getting up early is harder in the winter than in the summer, but once up and out, it was rewarding. I'll need to consider this approach. It's similar to the Jikoji mornings efforts - it's a good way to start the day. We all returned within minutes of each other. I, of course, enjoyed coffee while fudging Wordle. Double letters get me every time. I *finally* had Lauren captive and pressed the eTrade account migrations, including calling them and putting her on the phone to complete the move. The "custodial" account timed out three years ago, and I don't want to be held responsible for any earnings, losses, or taxes. That is now, finally, done. I covered the outdoor furniture in anticipation of rain tomorrow, and while finishing, I  felt the first sprinkles landing. That was fortunate timing. I also quickly reviewed and restored the blinds settings in Tommy's room. Another task that took days to find time and instructions to complete. Tommy offered to replace Lauren's headlights due to the complications and time limits. I was pleased that he did so and acknowledged appreciation for the effort and the intention behind it. He has been quite busy and was again today. I took Lauren to Rasputins and bought her several CDs for the car: Matchbox Twenty, Dixie Chicks, Tears for Fears, Five for Fighting, and several others. We then met Jen at my mom's after ordering Aqui (note to self: stop ordering chips; nobody eats them). It was a pleasant lunch and visit before Lauren, and I headed to Sac. She has a lot to juggle when driving due to visual challenges. The drive was more of a 'sink-or-swim' challenge than I had anticipated – so many moving pieces, merges, lanes ending or splitting off… with limited vision, it's a challenge. Hell, with decent vision and 50 years of experience, it's a challenge. She did well. There were a few moments of anxiety, but also clear signs of competence and capability. I'll be ordering her a Bluetooth transmitter for her iPhone for navigation needs. We agree that distractions should be minimized, so for now, no CarPlay or other upgrades. There's no rush. Back at home, Tommy wasn't feeling well again, so Jen took him to Good Sam for an evaluation. Jen got to meet his friend Shelby and really enjoyed meeting her. It makes me so happy that both of the kids have such a positive, healthy rapport with her.

⚖️178(0) ❤️60(58-126) 👣 5,091/2.3mi (🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

It was nice to rebound out of a foul mood yesterday into a more balanced mood today. As an aside on I alone in having a tendency to always view a current state of mind as being the "constant"? It's hard to always recognize our delusions as such when the are occurring. Lauren got up and joined me at Jikoji for the 7am Zazen. The network issue they have had since Saturday was the same from about 6 months ago-somebody unplugged network gear in order to power a sewing machine. It's a complicated environ­ment up there. When we arrived I went directly to and confirmed the reason before plugging it back in and getting everything back to normal. The meditation went well. Lauren followed along and knew what to expect. One surprise was a guest from Felsonder, Switzerland, reading the heart sutra in German. This break from routine seemed odd at first but quickly became an opportunity to be reminded of how Buddhism is something internationally practiced. We chatted after with Oshin and make before heading back down the hill. On the way to the intersection of 9 and 35 we came upon a large object on the road to the left side of our lane. A rock. about 4-6 inches tall. It was hard to judge at first glance. Vering to the right would have caused me to run off the road. Going around it to the left would have required a dramatic sudden swerve into the oncoming lane. It was unoccupied, and my impulse was to do so, yet we came upon it so quickly that I had to shift my plan to try to go over it, hoping the car was high enough to clear it. It was not. We felt the impact, heard the crunch and I looked behind me to see a cloud of dust and crushed rock. It startled us. I stopped at the parking lot and found cracked and shattered plastic hanging from the mid-center section of the front of thecar. I handled it calmly. Shit happens. We dropped it at their service center to have it inspected and repaired. We all four went to breakfast at L. G. C. U. The Lauren and I got fluids for the PT cruiser, cleared and cleaned it from top to bottom, inside and out. We drove it to my moms to visit and she was impressed. The car ended up only havingdamage to the undercarriage cover and nothing more. Tommy started but had issues with cleaning Lauren's headlights. I was successful getting the new bulbs in, though. Hopefully he can complete it tomorrow. Lauren's returning to driving well. She will take the car to Sae. tomorrow. We ended or night driving thru the "Fantasy of Lights" at Vasona. The kids shouting out windows and standing up through sunroofs were annoying but the rework of the final section was cool. Yogurt followed as did a sudden sighting of Karate Carl at Crumbl! We drove around a bit to look at Christmas lights. This was a day filled with good vibes all around, even amid sudden changes.

⚖️178(+1.2) ❤️64(63-107) 👣 6,460/3mi (🧘‍♂️)

Highlights: Network issues up the hill are getting old. I can't "own" this any longer. Mom's appointment went quickly. I have homework on my plate re her grants and social services. Lauren's down, we picked up the PT and played Skip-Bo. I'm in a foul mood though. So much to be grateful for including being needed and being able to help but it can become overwhelming at times, like when the deliverables pile up. I know better. And I tear myself down when I can't meet my own unrealistic expectations.

⚖️176.8(0) ❤️62(59-106) 👣 5,399/2.5mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

I still do it. I still stop and wonder, marvel even, at the richness of this simple life I get to have, and get to share with Jennifer. We have so little, including security, yet we have so much that's so much more important to both of us. This day was spent leisurely, enjoying our morning coffee and the home, attending to our respective tasks or interests. She vacillated and chose to come with me to see "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence". (spoiler alert - it was Jess). She loved it, and I was floored by how much better it was than I had recalled. Of course, my appreciation for cinema is now far more mature than it was when I first saw it in my teens on some obscure TV matinee. The acting, script/writing, directing and cinematography were all exceptional. We both left almost in tears—pretty powerful stuff. I wish I could write something that good. Maybe I will.

⚖️176.8n(-0.2) ❤️64(60-115) 👣 4,205/1.9mi

The byproduct of over-roasting

Two batches roasted well, but the third became charcoal. I typically manage the timing for transitions in temperature well. Even today, the two successful runs were accomplished in parallel with making yogurt. It was quite an interrupt-driven scenario for someone with focus and attention issues to orchestrate. And so, coffee burned, and yogurt was spared a similar fate when Jen noted I'd failed the crucial step of adding water to the maker. s.M.tl. It was still a productive day, with leaves being blown and raked in the front yard, ball play with Lucky, and a long and rewarding drive up to Point Richmond to have dinner with Jack and Judy at Biancoverde at Hotel Mac. A great meal, live jazz, laughter, and conversation. I am grateful that we have begun to connect as couples and to have known Jack as far back as the mid-80s.

⚖️177(0) ❤️58(55-140) 👣 4,954/2.3mi

Passing Thought: Pour Excuse

Coffee carafes and pitchers with spouts designed for pouring liquids should not let it dribble back under the edge and down the front of the container instead of into the target destination.

Our board meeting today was healthy and productive. A handful of topics and motions were all addressed with relative ease. I followed up on action items throughout the day. Jen and Tommy got into a discussion that I managed, to my credit, not to let get to me. I only briefly inserted myself to clarify a point, then let it go and went out running errands. Later, he and I had a brief conversation about trust issues, boundaries and expectations. We also touched on a recurring theme: intentions vs. interpretations. We at least seemed to take a step in a positive direction, and that felt productive, while at the same time my trust issues remain as present as do his of me. And I am not attached to anything other than accepting this is' what it is and will be what it will be. At least the tension has slightly subsided.

⚖️177(-1) ❤️64(63-111) 👣 6,747/3mi (🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Early start in order to get to Jakoji for the 7am sit. As far as meditations go, it was good. My mind travels it's own impulse driven path no matter what I intend, but it was relatively cooperative today. I dove into further networking efforts, yet the barrier remains the lack of access under the building. My only option is to try and pull the cables through and I just realized that going the other direction-from under the zando up and out may be an easier approach. It still means having to crawl into the for points and get the path clear. I should just hire that contractor. And get more drops and wireless devices set up. Tonight was my annual dinner with the geeks. It was great as always, although two of us have neck issues, we pee more frequently. I was not drinking and another has an early bedtime! I found myself listening more than talking. I don't feel I have as much to say. as I used to. There's not that much going on beyond a few "status quo" things. It was a great night, a good meal (although my digestive system expressed slight disagreement when I got home) and rewarding to have these friendships.

⚖️178(+1.4!) ❤️63(60-114) 👣 3,639/1.7mi (🧘‍♂️)

The whole "6 am waking" isn't necessarily my preference, but it is necessary if I am to follow through on a commitment and be at the morning meditation by 7. And I did not make it by just two minutes. Once there and seated, a thought crossed my mind about what little I, or most anybody, really know as truth. All we know is what we believe, and yet there is so much more we do not know or understand, let alone comp­rehend. To sit and face a wall for over 30 minutes, striving to allow any thoughts to pass rather than reside, can be liberating one day and a struggle the next. I had initially planned on staying on- site for three nights but I quickly understood that there were already more guests staying than I had thought. Any place I did stay would be for less comfortable than my own home and bed only 30 minutes away, and things pretty much wind down after 7pm anyway, I will stay later in December and/or in January when there will be a greater need and fewer staff onsite. The time spent today was heavily administrative. I got a lot done and recognize (again) how well it works to be on-site in a working made with others. Given that I plan to continue participating as a board member through the coming year, it might work well to make a trip up twice a week for ½-day sessions. A consistent presence would be good. And challenging too. In a good way, in an "outside my comfort zone" way. 

⚖️176.6(0) ❤️68(66-123) 👣 7,256/3.3mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)


5:40 was an early start, but it worked well to get up with Jen on her way to her walk and drop the car at Leigh. I mean, pick up the car. Yeah. All preheated and cozy warm @ 6am, waiting for me to sprint on my tiptoes across the cold parking lot to its comforting interior. Are you still there? Really? Reading this barnal random daily musing on the randomness of a single pecan must get tiresome. Where is the meat on this bone? Enough with the play-by-play of a day less stimulating than a shuffle­board tournament on a senior 's-only cruise ship. Tires being rotated does not make a riveting story. Welding does. Being stopped and ejected for trying to get in during the Executive Member Early Hour... now that is a bit interesting. Visiting my mom is always noteworthy, particularly when I catch and stop myself from lamenting the need and can just be happy that I can be of help. Knowing that an absence will be felt when her needs of my assistance ceases forever. Man, I miss Scottie, It has left a deeper hole than I could have imagined possible. There's something about this, in this, for me to learn. Something important-another "life lesson" I will be spending a few days at Jikoji starting tomorrow and I hope to find some time to breathe and release. And align.

⚖️176.6(-0.4) ❤️58(55-125) 👣 6,859/3.1mi (🏃‍♂️)

It took me by surprise to stumble across an online reference to today having been the day John Lennon was killed. That's happened a few times over the past few years, and it has me wondering how long it takes history and historical events to fall from relevance and prominence. How many people still know the day that Curt Cobain died? Ritchie Valens. Elvis, or how many more years will pass before 9/11 has any real significance? We don't dwell on the fall of Rome any­more. It's interesting how history becomes "ancient "and its relevance wanes. Also, not working has me far less attached to calendar dates. I made a trip up to Jikoji for a Jukai ceremony. I may try to stay a few days while some of the visiting priests are there. It would be a good opportunity to make some substantial connections. Lauren called on impulse, and it was a good chat. I needed to hear some of the things she said. I finished the work on Jen's gift and placed the order. It should arrive just before Christmas. Tommy continues to maintain a defensive distance, revealing much about his limitations and maturity. And damn, it has been getting crazy cold lately. Thermals-level cold. Especially if I do stay this week.

⚖️177(0) ❤️64(61-125) 👣 4,205/1.9mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

Highlights: Campbell w/Jen - she meets with Dao, I work on her Christmas present at Campbell Roasting. Nice place to hang, but not a fan of the product. David Benoit's Christmas show at Montalvo was nice. Pretty much the same show from 2 years back, note for note, and that's a lot of notes. They just all align in this case. Lucky's turning "Scottish" on us, meaning he is suddenly exhibiting behaviors previously seen only in Scottie. Movements, stretches, interactions. It's a bit weird and beautiful all at the same time. 

⚖️177(0) ❤️63(55-153) 👣 4,941/2.3mi

I felt a few subtle epiphanies throughout the day. Recognizing how difficult a time I have when my energy goes too heavily into trying to make things easier. Oh, it works sometimes. In fact, it works quite often. That's the gift/curse of having a creative puzzle-solving mindset. The gift is usually successful accomplishments, the curse being the outright slanderous offensive personal attacks that comes out of a failure. Eye rolls, sighs, forehead smacks and overlapping dismissive mutterings echo within my psyche. And it's always the same voices. My own. Like my latest multi-week attempts to abandon one tech tool and replace it with another. No, wait. That didn't really help. So I tried something more, then less, then nothing at all, expanding and consolidating recursively like an accordion player accompanying a dancing chimpanzee wearing a red fez and begging for loose change. Yet it all came back in place as I posted earlier. A point of insight came in the form of a book I happened upon last week in a "tiny library" on a neighboring street, while walking Lucky. "No-Nonsense Buddhism for Beginners"… It's simple, direct, and accessible. It resonates as it familiarly speaks to me, even making references and using analogies that are echoes of things I have written here over the years. The author recounts a moment in his own life at which he realized his efforts to alleviate his own "suffering" were causing him suffering... Now lets go back to my focus on trying to make something work better resulting in a number of things becoming worse. It's like that. All this came together today between meditation, blood pressure check (best in some time), coffee (the "Jarabocoa" beans are stellar even though the sound like a character in a star wars spinoff) and reading that book sitting next to Jennifer in our little kitchen nook. she woke feeling congested so we punted on the visit to my mom and I went solo to get the car (well, that trip included Lucky), to buy the remarkable, stop at GOBM on Alma to surprise Jen with more Mortadella (that's not a stutter), then drive around for 10 min seeking parking in downtown Palo Alto in order to buy tickets for our annual Christmas Eve outing. All this took my attention off of the day's worth of tasks and goals I had in mind at the start of the day. There's seemingly tomorrow to review and revisit them.

⚖️177(-0.4) ❤️61(59-127)🩸108/80 👣 6,836

A reMarkable Return

It appears I may have come full circle, returning once more to the place I once was before setting out in search of what was already in my possession. Such is my nature—to want for something I perceive as an improvement or accomplishment while loosing sight of the simple pleasures.

There is no better place to see this than the Stanford Theater. "It's full of romance, that old place"

I am starting to recognize again that any and all attempts to simplify my dependency on technology requires changing my objectives and my expectations. Just because I fantasize that something can and should do it all does not mean it will easily, or at all. I am likely to pivot back towards simplicity. Minimize to optimize.

⚖️177.4(0) ❤️61(59-107) 👣 3,355/1.6mi (🏋️‍♂️)

Early rise and 7AM hike with Jen. Stellar coffee. Dokusan w/Mike at Jikoji. Lunch w/Jen. A fun tour at the Cantor in Palo Alto. Pategonia, Philz, GOBM and home.

⚖️177.4(0) ❤️63(60-115) 👣 13,101/5.7mi (🥾 🏃‍♂️)

The morning started off well: Good coffee and time with Jen. We punted plans to return to Natural Bridges to see the Monarch Butterflies so she could work on the closets and I on the garage. Great progress was made on both. However the level of irritation I've been feeling lately reached a breaking point. But the person that broke was Jennifer, not me. Between the loss of Scottie and my lamenting a certain person's lack of gratitude and respect finally got to her. We were going to work out, but instead, we took a drive over to Santa Cruz. We watched the sunset. It was a way for me to reassess the crap I was letting get in the way of enjoying our life. There's enough grief and emptiness in the house without me making it worse. It doesn't hel. It doesn't change anything. It's just wasted energy that does harm. After the sunset we went to Food Talk, a bar & burger joint in downtown Santa Cruz. Their door is actually a bookcase, with actual books. The burger was great. Back home, I took Lucky for a training walk after dropping the Tesl. He did very well, with some motivation. I brought treats.

⚖️177.4(0) ❤️60(58-129) 👣 6,941/3.2mi (🏋️‍♂️)

Jen's Tuesday's are pretty consistent these days. She's walking weekly with Deanna at 6am. That's impressive. Tuesday's was my routine "Howes Your Coffee" day but that stalled I am hoping to change it around to be a walking gig as well. Only it's a "weakly" effort at this point and needs a kickstart. Today ended up being a pretty productive one. It started with Jen clearing out the standing desk setup we had for her working days, which needed collaboration on what goes where. I have been needing to start moving things around and out of the garage and this was the impetus. I was somewhat irritated and impatient about it because it ''derailed' my plans to write, yet it did end up being a far better use of the morning. I managed to clear a lot of clutter, move things about, reduce and consolidate, and posted a number of things for free on Craigslist including the golf clubs Tommy picked up for free some 5 months ago and did nothing with, an antique desk that was Linda's and perhaps a family heirloom, and Scottie's crate. The last two were emotional checkpoints in the aspects of 'letting go'. We dropped a bunch of stuff at Savers, including some of Scottie's things. Ugh. It's still challenging and hard. I guess it always will be. I'll say it again, I did not expect this level of attachment and this deep sense of loss. I feel like I face a loss with my son soon too. We're still not talking. I'm growing more and more detached. I don't trust him to the point that distance feels safer than being close. I put up the Christmas lights. It went super fast due to having packed them last year in a manner that made pulling them out and getting them hung easy. They're simple 'icicle' strands and can change colors but I prefer the soft white. I spent some time at the end of the day trying to triage the annoying squeak on the elliptical and i think I have it narrowed down to the foot placement pieces. It's been a time suck going down wrong paths but I'm determined to resolve it. I'm also working on a surprise for Jen. More on that another time.

⚖️177.4(-1.2) ❤️62(61-118)🩸118/83 👣 10,958/4.9mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Passing Thought : Dog Do

If I were a dog, and therefore unable to read, this would appear to me to be a bathroom sign, a pictogram, placed intentionally at my height and inviting me to avail myself of the lawn.

My attitude throughout the day was, in a word, prickly. I'll let you to guess where the emphasis falls in it's pronunciation. I even had to apologize to Jen at one point, the most forgiving person I know, because I could tell she was getting irritated by my irritations. Some of my priorites became unbalanced over the course of the past few weeks and they need realignment. I'm working on that. I'm always working on that. It's an ongoing practice, or battle, depending on the day.

⚖️178.6(-0.6) ❤️62(48-129) 👣 6,437/2.9mi (🚴 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)