I blame the shortbread cookies Jen made. And Los Gatos cafe's butter-drenched Rye and herbed potatoes. Lauren's visit, our neighbor's generous daily onslaught of confections and baked decadence. And Jon's Toffee. OMFG Jon's Toffee. That alone can be the sole cause of the static, hovering state of weight loss over the past few weeks.
My goal remains in sight, but it feels like running in the 5-foot-deep end of a swimming pool. I was reading about "suffering" in "Buddhism for Beginners" last night, and they touched on this very topic. About weight loss goals, social ideals surrounding image and condition, and the pain we cause ourselves over the effort and struggle to meet some ideology or status that has no real, true lasting significance other than fitting into a belief system, a thought pattern within our society.
I admit it absolutely is a factor in my efforts to feel comfortable in my clothes, as well as out of them. I like being able to walk without my thighs chafing and to be able to see my penis when peeing without sucking in my gut. Is that so wrong? Or just TMI?
Yet other factors are equally, if not more important to me. My overall health is the dominant motivator. Jess and Alex were inspirations, as was the brush within a few pounds of crossing into a new hundredth marker. Aging gracefully and being in good physical condition have started to matter more. The cholesterol concerns, the sedentary nature of my daily routine, all began to come to the forefront of my mind. Getting out of a chair with a groan and a hand on my lower back sends a pretty clear message. A dire one, too, considering my relatively young-ish age and desire to make it past 80 with grace and dignity.
At a recent gathering, a friend commented on my seemingly ongoing battle with managing my weight in a manner that felt dismissive or moderately condescending. I replied by pointing out that, of course, when one relaxes and indulges one's appetites without constraint, one puts on weight. I’d have thought that, obviously, there was a shared awareness on their part. But for me in particular, there’s a lot of legacy childhood insecurities and self-judgement at play.