Although the "SAD" light worked as intended and brought the light in the room up naturally, I was unable to wake. Jen did, and went off to breakfast with Cindi. She had brought up Scottie last night, feeling a wave of sadness at his absence after having noticed within her photos how images of him abruptly stopped. Maybe the timing of the book as a gift is poor. Her bringing it up rebooted my own sense of trauma and loss. As she said last night, "This does not feel normal." Much of my own grief stems from the fact that I was hesitant to take more aggressive action, and more accepting of the fact that he had been declining and you can't fix mortality. I do a lot of rationalization around this because, old age and timing out not withstandinghe did not seem "ready "to go. But one could say the same about Tom, Nicole, and the vast number of others here today and gone the next. In a way my own trauma is tied to hers. she may have taken him to the net sooner, perhaps extending his life for longer, and perhaps allowing her more of an awareness that the time left was limited. All of this is just a lot of what-if's and coulda woulda shoulda thinking. But it got to me as it got to her last night. And all of this just adds to a sense of precarious uncertainty along with a daily striving to somehow accept all of the randomness without letting it bring me down. I don't want to live my life like Linda did. I want to be grateful to have a glass at all, aware in the moment that it has cracks and is essentially already broken. As for the day now behind me, I felt off balance. Perhaps due tothe lack of sleep, the irritation surrounding the PT cruiser headlight restoration effort, or any other of a handful of 0. C. D. level disruptions. All passing transitory issues that can be found being lamented on numerous previous entries over the years.
⚖️178(+1.4) ❤️62(60-105) 👣 5,327/2.5mi
