I am at Rush Creek for a few days with Tommy and Lauren (for a day). Jen and I had our fourth or fifth or sixth "come to Jesus" conversation with Tommy Friday night. His debate skills, obfuscation and deft deflection abilities have him ripe for a career in politics. At no point, not once, was there an acceptance of responsibility, apologies or earnest intentions to improve expressed. It's all blocked by a broad spectrum of development milestones still to come. Jen and I recognize the limitations in place and made clear that Summer was to be his transition out of our home and out on his own. Joining him on this trip he had planned felt like an opportunity to reset at a new level of understanding akin to rising from a dive and acclimating to the changing pressure. I am glad to be here with them both. I drove separately so we have options. He has to head out early Tuesday while I will enjoy solo time and a hike or two perhaps in the valley. It's refreshing to be in this beautiful place.

Lock Steps Through Window Pain

Earlier this year, as we were getting ready to head out, I was scrambling to change and get out the door. As I was leaving our bedroom, I habitually locked and closed its door while feeling for the presence of the key in my pocket. Unfortunately, for the first time since I had started this routine, I felt nothing in my pants as the door clicked shut behind me. The sound of the latch clicking into place echoed as I realized the keys were not there.

Where were they? Why, behind the now-locked bedroom door, of course.

 … sight unseen and still gets 3 stars

The two passages in the daily <insert philosophy> books this morning continued to follow and echo my own aspirations to be consious of models, examples, and the drain of our limited "battery life". What we put our time into; people places, things, beliefs, agendas, intentions should all be towards an outcome of rewarding efforts, contributions or education and growth. Yet with all that being said it remains a constant challenge to stay focused on and apply consious attention on. Today's conflict with Tommy is a prime example. I had the intention of not letting inconsequential situations cause me to suffer yet by engaging and being offended by his dismissive responses, tensions flared. As much as I tried not to "get in the ring," his defense is so aggressive and unyielding that it's always a struggle to be heard and for him to consider that he might be part of the problem. He has trust issues and ODD. Jen made a good point in the discussions regarding the owner­ship of preventing communication issues belonging to him. He does not communicate, he flat out refuses. He acts as if, at 22, his wanting to go to medical school warrants our allowing him to live without making any contributions to the household whatsoever, not financially offsetting his impact on our cost of living, not taking on any role to clean and maintain the bathroom, garage, dishes, not owning responsibility for any labor such as taking in and out the garbage or raking leaves. Refusing to even lock the doors, who does that? We made it clear that we have and would allow him to live with us until the school semester ends and then he has to move out. He insists he cannot do that, yet of course he can. He can work, pay rent, and get grants or loans for school. If I felt the dynamic would be healthy and cooperative, if the bathroom would be maintained and he's room not smell of BO and sweat, if he would have respect for me... well there lies the deal breaker. And heartbreaker too. Because I do want a relationship with him. But there is none without trust. without trust, there is no sincerity, no honesty, no consideration, no love. It's a concession and a compromise for both. I don't want that, and I do not see it as a path that leads to any improvement. The door has to be wide open, or closed. Nothing gets in or out when the chain is on.

⚖️ 174.8(-0.9) ❤️60(58-119)🩸122/72 👣 6,058/3.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: The momentum of Jennifer rising for her morning hike and my SAD lamp brightening up the room helped nudge me up and out the door and up to the Zen Center. It's "men's week" there: Oshin, Tom, and Jesse are the residents on site. I picked up, set up, and handed off the flip phone to my mom, but only after 2 hours of instruction and continued realization that a lot of assumptions go into the term "simple". Cardz with the usual suspects. Finishing part one of the Mel Brooks documentary. AND our neighborhood fox friend is back, yelping recursively in search of a mate.

Insights: I found, within the morning meditation, something of an epiphany. A stronger awareness of prior insights than I've had to date, surrounding the futility of being upset about anything being anything other than what it is. This ties into the teachings related to the two arrows: the suffering of unmet expectations, desires, wants, or circumstances. For example I wrestle with Tommy and his lack of consideration, my mom's cell phone issues, the uncertainty of our financial future. Yet, all of that is pointless. My focus needs to be on letting go of expectations. It's all just thought surrounding what I think it should be. And why do I even think anything "should be" any particular way? That's a self-inflicted second arrow. What I accept, what I make peace with, are paths to avoiding suffering over something that my suffering does not change.

⚖️ 175.1(-0.3) ❤️66(63-109) 👣 5,423/2.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

 

I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to drive over to the park at 6:30 AM, given the possibility of another epic sunrise. It was stunning but not anywhere near yesterday's. Yet it beats sleeping in and missing it. The coffee today, another of the samples, may be a new favorite. I will be watching for consistency in the outcome and order mere. Valerie came to visit Jen. I took Tommy to pick up his car, which, it turns out, was not ready. He got a loaner. I finished and mailed the Jikoji welfare exemption papers, and reworked the group and visitor pages. Check front can really be frustrating at times. My mom had more issues with making calls, and I dropped my stoic outlook and beat myself up again over this fiasco. I ended up buying a simple flip-phone that should hopefully reduce both of our frustrations. I'll pick it up tomorrow and set it up before handing it off. The first 30 minutes of the latest documentary on Mel Brooks were enjoyable.

⚖️ 175(-0.2) ❤️63(62-111) 👣 11,348/5.4mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

We've reached that time of year when sunrises and sunsets are worth the effort to experience. Over the past month, I've found myself racing to Mount Umunhum during early mornings and late afternoons, or heading to a nearby park I now consider the "sweet spot" for skyline and horizon views. My "Howes Your Coffee" mornings feel especially enhanced by dramatic sunrises, like the one pictured above, taken from Mark's newly installed deck, which has significantly improved the space. It was an amazing way to start the day. Although photos can't fully capture the moment, part of the magic lies within—it's inspiring, humbling, and life-affirming. Once home I enjoyed a peaceful morning with Jennifer. I spent part of the day continuing my efforts organizing the garage, swapping out plastic shelving for a sturdier version. The testing of the air conditioner was successful and work went into the "Group Reservations" setup for Jikoji. Tommy's am flight from Phoenix was delayed due to weather disruptions. After several hours of efforts he managed to fly into San Jose. I picked him up and took him to retrieve his car in San Francisco. It felt rewarding to support him while respecting his independence in making travel decisions. On they way home, his car died literally parked at a Tesla charging station. He requested the AAA number and handled the situation himself. 85 was at a dead stop at 17 due to a major accident, but i was fortunate enough to see and react by exiting one offramp earlier. It looked like a serious situation. Count your blessings. Every day is a roll of the dice.

⚖️ 175.2(+0.3) ❤️63(60-105) 👣 4,126/1.9mi

I had an excess of mental activity as bedtime rolled around last night, and with that, an expectation of fragmented sleep. I could attribute it to a handful of influences - the extended hike, an aggressive afternoon workout, diving further into the puzzle-solving Escher drawing that is optimizing automation sub-routines, or the late-night realization that my thermostat swap was the reason no heat was emanating from the bathroom vent as I stood naked by the open shower door. 20 minutes of support site searches, settings changes, now-routine-expletive-filled-arguments with AI and repeated strides to and from the garage sans clothing, I managed to, hopefully, resolve the issue. All seems to work now, but I know better than to assume so without a full regression test of both heat and A/C. Well before summer, too, given projections for the hottest year on record. I guess my weight loss has reduced my modesty. I woke past midnight to the oddest sound. It sounded like a scream at first. And it seemed so close. I assumed it was an animal based on the recurring, consistent "cry" it was emitting. Perhaps a large bird. It slowly faded away, and my attempt to use the "Merlin" app to identify it failed. An hour or two later, the sound returned, and it seemed to be coming from the tree in our backyard. I grabbed a flashlight and stepped outside to scan about. As I moved the light, a brief dual reflection returned from the eyes of a cat sitting on the fence. "Great," I thought. "Now whatever it is has attracted a predator". Things were still for about a minute before the cat turned in the other direction, raised its head, and emitted that sound! The flashlight wasn't super bright, but at that point, I assumed it wasn't a cat but a baby coyote. He walked behind the tree branches and out of sight before emerging to the right and into plain view. It was adorable, whatever it was, as it repeated that cry once more and then continued out of sight. Its bushy tail changed my conclusion. It was not a coyote, it was a fox! We live near a hillside open space, so wildlife is not uncommon. It made me sad, though, to consider it may be lost and at risk of being hit or having to "rough it" away from its "den " (or herd, gaggle, whatever it is). The night was certainly restless, so I ended up rising a bit later than usual. I had a few goals to accomplish: Pull wine from under the house. Clean thegarage. Test the heater and AC after last night's fiasco. The heater kicked on as scheduled. I'll test the AC another day. I pulled the wine from the crawlspace. 8 bottles for now, as some reorganization is needed. I don't drink, but others do. The garage effort was the big rock and took a chunk of the day. All that really got done is to have restructured where Tommy's stuff goes, but that too was a blocker for getting to the next steps: selling or donating several boxes of legacy stuff that's not in use, and not wanted. Why hold onto it any longer? I got through most of the remain­ing items that were left behind by Linda's sisters-a few items may be worth trying to sell, but most will be donated to the Cancer Society tomorrow. Next up, my stuff. much less volume, and honestly, less attachment. Suddenly, as the day winds down, what do I hear? The fox out front. He was directly across the street. I went out and got a great look at him as he walked across their driveway and into the back. After a bit of research, I learned that the noise is actually a mating call, and this is their mating season. Shortly after, there was a burst of activity again, and the fox sprinted across the fence line in pursuit of something ahead of him. It all happened so quickly, it was hard to tell. But I am anticipating he may return.

⚖️ 175.3(0) ❤️62(60-111) 👣 6,683/3mi

A small but exciting change to the daily routine began this morning, thanks to Jennifer's offer to get up with me every day and feed the dog. It's so easy to sleep in, and in winter in particular, it feels instinctive. I try to get up to maintain a lifelong ingrained perception that doing so makes for a more productive day and better health, yet I wonder at times if all of that is just social conditioning. Would I fare just as well to sleep later, follow that instinct to hibernate, and, as I do in the summer, allow the natural rhythms to set the pace instead of the alarm clock? Jennifer's rising with me will break her own tendency to follow that biological cadence. Maybe we will swap routines at some point, but for now, while we can, it's nice to have more alignment and time. Tommy left at 4 am to visit his cousin(s) in Phoenix, so we have the house to ourselves this weekend. The last time he went there, he returned feeling frustrated, and maybe even some animosity, because of that side of the family and their positions on my and Jens' relationship. Some towards us. That is absurd, given the truths so maligned by the dominant force of one man's ego. Such is the drama, but I mentioned last night that he remembers firsthand what they dismiss or ignore. We spent the morning hiking in the "Quicksilver", where Jen often goes with her friend Deann, but this time Matt B. came along. We did one of many longer trail options that ran for 5+ miles up to and along the reservoir on Hicks. The park is amazing, vast and filled with "ruins" from the mining era of the late 1800's. 2.5 hours later, we completed the hike and went to Andale for lunch. Walking back through the alley to our car afterwards was filled with memories of living downtown. What a great experience that proved to be. I swapped out the problematic thermostat, only to spend more time than expected getting it properly configured and set up. It was quite a fiasco, but I rolled with it all as par for the course. I did not meet all the intended goals today. It's a routine I am working to refine for greater consistency. At the same time, the "bullet journal" approach keeps cropping up in my mind as perhaps more effective. It would be a dramatic shift away from digital, which has its own set of pros and cons.

⚖️ 175.4(+0.1) ❤️63(60-120)🩸108/71 👣 14,698/6.6mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️ 🥾)

You'll not find a smoking gun at Fidelity.

Highlights: Dropped Tommy at Leigh to pickup his car after waiting until the last minute then waking him to tell him. I ould have and perhaps should have just let it play out without involving myself. Allow for natural consequences. But that's not my nature. I try to be proactive. Maybe next time. Jen says I am in a "rescuer" role and that must meet some need. Pretty insightful and likely spot on. She and I had a good morning together, meeting with a financial planner and going over our retirement and investment needs. we are going to work with them for a year and see how it helps us. Light lunch following at Aldo's Cafe next door. I visited my mom to briefly bring in trash cans, then returned home by foot after dropping the car to charge. It does not appear my "scheduled charge" needs can be met there, still I managed to revive and optimize my amp setting shortcut. I read the 1st chapter of the Surangana Sutra before our winter practice, and actually enjoyed the conversation. It's a hard read, dated and translated.

Insights: I completed all but one of my goals, being the back yard rectangle clearing, but I knew it was too aggressive. The rest of them all were accomplished. I did not prioritize the book outline but got far wed and will move that to tomorrow. I vascilated a great deal as to my relationship with Tommy. I can be livid one minute and empathetic the next. I have a good deal of work left to do there.

⚖️ 175.4(+0.1) ❤️64(62-133) 👣 9,618/4.6mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

At around 3:30am, Lucky leapt off the bed. He has continued to show signs of being off, and I was immediately concerned and, yes, slightly annoyed (this is me, you understand) at the prospect of having to get up and deal with anything. He woke Jen, too, as she said, "he's throwing up" right after the sound of him gagging. And he was. "Can you please handle this?" I asked, placing my hand over my eyes as she rose, and I turned on the light above me. "I don't want this responsibility". I muttered to myself, into my palm. And I do not. It does not mean I do not feel empathy and compassion for him, or that I won't miss him as I do Scottie (although not nearly as much If I am to be completely honest/, it's simply a factThat I don't enjoy waking up to deal with dog vomit at 3 AM. Is that so wrong? Between his lethargy, vomiting and the noxious fumes emanating from his ass throughout the day, the recent change in dog food isthe likely root cause. We will take a few steps to ensure the food is well chopped up (which was a recent change) and watch him. Even with the sleep interruption, I did manage to get up at 6:20. Using the SAD light as an alarm works nicely and doesn't seem to be an issue for Jen. Getting up and out the door with­out waking Lucky can be challenging, but all went smoothly. I was in the pre-conditioned car by 6:40, struggling to, but eventually finding a good spot on a high hillside where I expected to find open space, valley-wide views. I did. The cond­itions this morning were nowhere near ideal, but good enough to see the potential. The effort and experience were well worth it and humbling. A recurring theme for me, this year as much as, if not more than, the prior ones, relates to focus. I get easily distracted by shiny things that prove far less rewarding than completing higher-value tasks that feel daunting in their scope. To help me keep my eyes on the prize, I am going to revive something I used to do a few years ago. Setting my goals at the start of the day and circling back at the end to see how it went. It's a hybrid of a daily scrum, a bullet journal and likely a few idealistic campaign promises that will go unfulfilled. Today, for example, I set out to and completed plans to send a newsletter, dig into a tax exemption need, help my mom with a meds pickup, handle some household tasks, and prep for a financials meeting tomorrow. I also managed to get in a full workout, test some options for managing the new EV chargers at Leigh, and even dig into the book outline, beginning to flesh out several forgotten bits and pieces. It was quite a productive day.

⚖️ 175.7(+0.5) ❤️61(59-123) 👣 4,359/2.1mi (🏋️‍♂️)

Decked Out

The sunrise was spectacular. I wish I had gotten to a good Vista point to enjoy it, and I want to strive to do so this week. I woke with a sense of "en wie", a soft depression. Maybe it's time to revisit a few of the possible sources; actions being taken or not, and the avoidance of a few key tasks by a dozen insignificant ones. This morning's readings touched on the delay of desire under the assumption that you will have time to do that thing later. That's a bold assumption. Reading that a recent study showed, on average, a life span of 72 years, short-changed my 78-year expectation. How does that average ensure one meets or exceeds it? How are those last years spent? What then do we wait for? The day turned out to be moderately productive; three sets of intriguing sample beans from assorted origins were roasted while Jen and I worked in parallel on our weekly financial reviews. We have an appointment on Thursday with a financial planner, and some are gathering proactive questions as well. Mark reached out to see if I could help out with the deck, and we ended up getting about 8090 of it done. There are a few final decisions that need a bit of thinking before the screws go in. I was pretty taken aback by his wife's very hostile and aggressive response to the work and some design issues. It was like watching a friend's mom back in high school, tearing into him for leaving the sink a mess. For all I know, there is more history, background, or other tensions, but... whoa. Seriously, chill. Tommy had just left after stopping by to help us out. Later tonight, I noticed the hummingbird feeder by the mulberry was gone. I looked around and saw a piece of the glass. I asked Jen if she knew anything, but she did not. I found it in the trash, asked both kids, and Tommy said he had been at fault and was going to the store to buy a replacement. At first, I assumed it was an accident due to playing with the dog or some other simpleincident. I asked, and he was being a jerk about telling me. I slowly put it together and realized he was using his BB Gun in the backyard again, even after being told he was not to. I confronted him, and he deflected and attacked, but I was not getting in the ring. I refused to take the bait and stuck to the point of our proper conduct, even after a guest damaged it, then hid it from us. He can't be wrong. He's so very like his mom. Summer can't come soon enough.

⚖️ 175.4(-0.1) ❤️62(59-128) 👣 5,641/2.5mi (🧘‍♂️)

My magnetic reMarkable stylus's hinge-worthy roll-off was spared the fall

Tommy took off early to Dodge Ridge with Vinny. Lucky has been off and we're stopping Gabapentin for good in case it's a factor. Lauren/Jen went with Deanne to Pescadaro for lunch at Duarté. I stayed home, put the pantry shelf in place, helped Mark with the deck frame at Howes, raked up almost all of the remaining leaves, played ball with a rebounding Lucky, and managed some Jikoji secretary needs. Lauren drove home around 4pm in order to beat traffic and be home for a possible job interview. Jess/Bev dropped by to pickup coffee and hung out for a bit. I went through all of the clothes of Tommy's left in Lauren's room to sort out dump/keep options.

⚖️ 175.2(-0.5) ❤️62(59-111)🩸109/75 👣 8,753/4mi

The morning drive to Jikoji was stunning. We are having stellar sunrises right now (see what I did there). Lauren came along for what amounted to hours on-site. We got there early, staked out my favorite spots, and walked around until things began. Jesse Dow gave a great talk, one that Lauren called inspirational. The board meeting followed, ran long, but went well all the same. Back down the hill, we picked up a board for the pantry shelf and new fluorescent light bulbs for my mom's kitchen. Mark cut the wood for me while working on the deck for Howes Your Corree. I have been doing similar planning for our own backyard. Aqui dinner at mom's, along with my cursing the existence of fluorescent lights. I have always disliked them. Rummikub at the end of the day, alongside an elliptical effort, and a sincerely expressed gratitude by Tomery for the years of Dodge Ridge trips. He starts there tomorrow on the Medical Patrol team for the season.

⚖️ 174.9(-1.1) ❤️64(62-132) 👣 8,154/3.5mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

The morning included an abandoned attempt to go to Costco. I know better. Yet I had a desire to "make good" on a technical oversight when reactivating the historical Zazenkai event for Jikoji several months ago. The listing promoted bringing a bag lunch, as meals are no longer provided for one-day events. Yet, the signup form attached to it still bore a legacy entry for "dietary restrictions ". A few attendees added theirs when registering. I caught it Thursday night and sent all attendees a brief message Friday. I still had concerns though, and felt obligated to run some lunch options up the hill, just in case. Costco, on a Saturday, at 10 a.m., is well outside my comfort zone. I never cared before but it appears I have passed the point of managing crowds with grace. Just trying to park brought on the cold sweats. After about five minutes of trying to navigate to the prepared deli foods, I caved. I mean, I become enlightened. Yeah, that's it. I realized that the zen thing to do was not to buy and deliver food—it was to allow attendees to work through any challenges they'd face with an unxpected change of events on their own. I high-tailed it out of there as quickly as possible. Jen, Lauren, and I hit a couple of less crowded thrift shops. I worked more on backyard tasks and got an aggressive workout in while Jen and Lauren went to Hero Ranch. Tommy was out and about as always. My mom called expressing ongoing frustration with the iPhone and not knowing how to make calls. There is a "senior's" UI available in iOS 17 but her phone is too old and doesn't support it. That's frustrating as hell. I found a way to make a shortcut that may solve the issue. I hope.

⚖️ 175.3(-0.4) ❤️ 63(60-124) 👣 4,667/2.1mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

Jikoji planning loaded up my to do list. I whittled the tasks down throughout the morning and afternoon. Tommy and Lauren returned from Rush Creek in time for Lauren to go with me to return my mom home after her chemo treatment using the PT Cruiser. We hiked with Mark to "the Plateau" in El Serena open space at the end of Overlook. I tinkered in the evening on a few automation optimizations with a lot of misguided "help" via Gemini AI. It's not only unreliable, it's also prone to deflect its failure and oversight. Maybe it is capable of consciousness after all. The evening concluded with a 30min elliptical session in the garage, during which the sound of both kids and Jennifer talking and laughing felt like a continued reward for navigating the path that led to this by choices I made as well as fates that played out. Knowing this too shall pass makes appreciating it in the moment a mandate.

⚖️ 175.3(-0.5) ❤️60(58-119) 👣 10,115/4.6mi (🧘‍♂️🏃‍♂️)

 

Highlights: Coffee roasting several rounds : new origins to try, favorites to fall back on, decaf for the occasional consumption past 12 PM. Attended an online financial seminar that gave Jen/I lots of ideas to explore as we work on mapping out some short and long term strategies. We heard from Lauren and Tommy several times – he 'cold plunged' in the Merced river! I filled and set out our 2 leaf-filled bins for pickup in the AM and for some reason they came by and picked 'em up mid-afternoon. So of course I refilled what I had time to and put it back out again. I fixed the issue w/the front security camera by swapping out the microSD (step 41 of 50 in my self inflicted triaging process. At least I got it done 9 steps sooner than it could have gone. I replaced the Kmh speedometer in Lauren's car w/an MPH version. Mom's 1st of two rounds fell late in the afternoon so Jen made KetoPizza and we ate with her at her home afterwards.

⚖️ 175.3(-0.6) ❤️58(54-120)🩸106/76 👣 5,636/2.6mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

 

Highlights: Lauren arrived safely last night.  Board meeting. LG Cafe before T&L head to Rush Creek. Closed spa + Tommy = upgrade to a stand alone luxury cabin. Brief but positive visit with mom. Nice validating text from brother about all I am doing without help. Dom/Mary over for dinner.

⚖️ 175.2(-0.8) ❤️63(60-114) 👣 9,624/4.4mi

Passing Thought: Squared Off

This really should not bother or surprise me as much as it does. But it does.

Highlights: Jen's early rise allows me to do the same, and I did. I was back in the seat ("on the zafu") at the start of online zazen, using the silence to continue my daily reading and writing practice. It worked well. Lauren reached out to let us know that AMD and Intel stock were on the rise, that her inheritance had profited from high-risk investments, and that she'd spent 30 minutes on a call with the admin of her portfolio making proactive decisions regarding long-term strategy. So cool. So proud. This morning, I continued giving lucky microdoses of gabapentin for anxiety. I did a good amount of research, and so far, he seems to be responding well. It has taken the edge off them to the moderate point of him being more contained at the sight of another dog while still having the impulse-driven instinct to pull at the Leash relentlessly. I spent the afternoon sorting through and researching the value of some of the lingering items left in the garage that her sisters had not wanted. I have started moving forward on this long-overdue task and will continue this week and into next if needed. Progress feeds momentum. Cards tonight was fun as always. Steve and Diana will be in Carmel for the entire month of February. I reached out to catch up with Matt (C) and enjoyed an hour-long exploration of ailments and reminiscence. We're a few years away from sitting on a park bench like bookends, exchanging obituary clippings and having to loudly repeat ourselves. Lauren told Jen she will be coming down tonight instead of tomorrow morning for her trip to Rush Creek with Tommy. I wrestle with the impulse to micro-manage things, and if she really feels confident and ready to drive at night, I want to trust her judgment.

Insights: For someone fixated on the comfort of ritual and the benefits of habits, having the aspiration to step outside my comfort zone seems more challenging. It is. Yet it feels like an instance or time wherein it is necessary and inevitable. If I don't jump, I will be pushed. I think it also aligns with this newfound desire to clean and clear a lot of "stuff" taking up space. Maybe, to a degree, what I hold onto holds me back. Maybe. There are absolutes I would never part with, and then there is the rest. On a somewhat related note, I broke from my routine of food bowl placement when giving Lucky something. I put it where Scottie's used to be. Lucky stood back, uncertain of what to do. He did not go to the food. He clearly remembered that it was not his "seat", but his brother's. It brought tears to my eyes. I encouraged and convinced him that it was ok, while being swept up in my own sense of loss at the cost of my joy at having had the experience at all. While writing this just now, I discussed it with Jen, and she shared the concept of a "waiting room" from a podcast. I had said to her a day or two ago that we were not living our lives working towards something-we are already in it. It is all happening. Even the dull routines alongside the anticipated decline of my mom, the grief of losing the dog, the joy of Lauren's increasing visits as she gets back behind the wheel in both literal and metaphorical ways, Tommy seeming to engage in a relationship that may play a role in his own growth. This is no waiting room. Life is happening. 

⚖️ 175.5(-0.6) ❤️59(57-101)🩸106/76 👣 4,030/1.8mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: Being awake until past 3 AM means having had less than 4 hours of sleep. I intended to return to sleep in, yet, as is typical, if I wake up halfway, I can't reverse the direction. Instead, with a tray between us, I spent the morning sharing a solo coffee mug with Jen. I read and wrote as she worked on her own project. I set about following through on my repeatedly delayed plan to take down the Christmas lights and getting the storage bins down so she could tackle the tree. My mom's blood work today was on par with the usual results-all is stable with the AML, yet she seems to be struggling all the same with the physical limitations and isolation. Jen and I need to visit this week, maybe Wednesday, with a bag of goodies from Trader Joe's. After working out this afternoon, I set about attending to a set of website and newsletter tasks before a 30-minute elliptical session, giving "Bored to Death" a chance based on Matt's recommendation. It's fine, but not worth my time. My time is becoming increasingly valuable. I spent time last night and tonight reading Steve's book to Jen. That is where I find that investing time yields high-value returns. 

Insights: If I am awake at 12:01, does that mark the start of my day? An overindulgence in caffeine and the incorrect assumption that Tommy bought a new car fueled my mind and body's resistance to following the routine protocols. I began to plot the pros and cons of renting our house out, working out the possible gains we might see while we lived with and attended to what seems likely to be my mother's last year. Bringing in the first of Linda's remaining sets of inherited dishes, silverware, and other assorted items from the garage started my mind down an odd path of resignation. I have a lot of legacy Patterson and DeMortiere property stashed away in much the same ways she had for some 30 years or so. Only they were her history, not mine. The only thing that mattered to me was that they mattered to her. So here I am now in sole possession of most of what she left behind. Her sisters did not want it. They took an item or two the day after her burial,  and repeatedly passed on my requests they take more. This stuff all falls in that middle ground between being so unlikely to sell for nearly enough to make it worth all the time it would take, and having at least the potential to let us have a nice dinner at one of our favorite spots. Tomorrow I will start making dec­isions and taking action to clear it out. But late last night, well, I wanted to go out to the dining room and start throwing out the wine glasses we'd argued over when she wanted to "register" for wedding gifts at Macy's. I actually like the glasses we got in part because I had refused to go the heavy-cut-crystal route. Stll, it feels like it is time to clean house, discard all but the core true essentials, and start fresh. We have at least one more chapter ahead, that I am sure of.

⚖️ 175.7(-0.6) ❤️63(60-102) 👣 3,035/1.4mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: The 35lbs of Tanzanian Peaberry that arrived yesterday was divided and vacuum packed into 35 1lb packs today. We went to the Stanford Theater to see Casablanca & Notorious w/Kelly & Velma. Both were wonderful to experience there, as always.

⚖️ 176(-0.4) ❤️60(58-114) 👣 6,089/2.6mi

Highlights: Filoli outing with Matt B. before it closes tomorrow, and they'll be closed for a week to take down the "Thistlewick" exhibit and other lingering holiday decor. It was far more impressive than I'd anticipated—a great deal of attention to detail, crafting a village amongst the trains. Very enjoyable. While there, Matt took a call from his mom who needed tech support related to email. It was validating to not be alone in that need. We hiked the creek trail there, learned about 'funnel' spiders, and walked about the rest of the property before heading to wine taste at Thomas Fogerty. It's got an amazing view of the valley and quite impressive wines too.

⚖️175.2(+0.2) ❤️63(58-116) 👣 10,674/8.6mi(🧘‍♂️ 🥾)

Highlights: Roasted 3 new bean variations from the vast selection of samples I recently received. Tommy took the MCAT, and Lauren passed her CNA course. On the same day. I met Ross to review financial tasks, only to spend way more time than expected getting him access to some resources, which should always be expected. Enjoyed the late afternoon with Jen discussing recent insights on friendships and influences before an evening walk with Lucky back from Leigh.

⚖️175(-1.2) ❤️64(61-101) 👣 5,455/2.4mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

⚖️176.2(0) ❤️61(59-111)🩸107/73 👣 7,649/3.5mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: I went for an early morning run with Lauren and Jen to Umunham. Gemini indicated the conditions were on track to be stunning, and they were, but only briefly. The altitude worked against us as lower-level fog rose, preventing the continuation of a dramatic color range at this spot. I am realizing I need a lower vantage point to get a wide vista for these efforts. Still, it was pretty awesome and fun too. Lauren returned home alone again, without any issues, and with an updated plug that allows calls through the stereo. Jen returned from her trip feeling miserable. At first, I thought it was allergies, but it's not going away, and I have concerns about anything transmissible to my mom, whom we saw tonight before this occurred. She kept her distance and didn't hug her, so hopefully it's nothing to worry about. This is the time of year to be cautious. Mom's had a tough week with pain and depression, and next week starts the next cycle. I closed the loop on a number of care-related communication tasks on her behalf and board-related communications for Jikoji as well.

Insights: My morning routine was delayed but not disrupted. I worked the daily readings and meditations into my morning once we returned from the sunrise outing. Both books continue to raise insightful and rewarding points. I found myself feeling the benefits and the challenges throughout the day. They're reinforcing an aspiration while really forcing me to look at how legacy influences can inform and obscure opportunities and experiences in the present, and often be misplaced.

⚖️176.2(0) ❤️63(58-106) 👣 7,744/3.5mi(🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Highlights: LGcafe w/T&L. Fisherman's Grotto w/Lauren. Lucky Vet (vaccines & routine annual stuff). Clam Chowder to mom and Patelco help. Pickup Jen.

⚖️176.2(-0.2) ❤️59(55-108)🩸129/76 👣 6,146/2.8mi(🧘‍♂️)

Highlights: A rainy and cloudy morning and afternoon at home. Lauren came down again, drove solo, in the rain, without issue. I aggressively reorganized several cupboards throughout the house, including above the stove, the spices and the hallway meds/stationary stuff. That took most of the day, but it was way overdue. I succeeded in getting mom's appointments back in place after a rescheduling snafu. 

Insights: David & I had a good text exchange acknowledging this would have been Dad's 92nd birthday, and also touched on age, wisdom, perspective and more. It seems like we've found a common thread, a middle ground of sorts, through which we're able to inspire and support one another. I'm enjoying this time and evolution. Maybe a road trip is needed, in one direction or another.

⚖️176.4(+1.4) ❤️60(59-97) 👣 6,032/2.8mi (🧘‍♂️🏋️‍♂️)

Highlights: Home-roasted coffee after a couple of mornings off-site. Discussed board positions and business with w/Pamela, and attended to some web/tech needs. Visited my mom and will again this week for an outing of some sort. Made yogurt for Jen's return, talked to Lauren, walked Lucky, exercised, and read.

Insights: The deliberate focus and consistent effort in the morning are making a positive impact. Starting the day by setting a grateful mindset is helping me 'walk the sto/zen talk'. I'm more present and aware of obstacles as opportunities. It takes a LOT of effort and constant awareness. Consistency is key. 

⚖️175(-0.8) ❤️63(60-111) 👣 10,525/5.1mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)

Heavy winds and rain overnight and in the morning. I love this weather. I sat at Starbucks while it was pouring, after it had been sunny when I first arrived. I went to the one I used to frequent in the late 2000s, until it became a 'Reserve' shop, which had less appeal to me at the time. It's back to basics, and it was nostalgic to return after over a decade or two. I spent a lot of time there when the kids were young. It's a very familiar place. I spent more time diving into the side data project, leveraging AI to help with some JavaScript code, only to find it couldn't resolve an issue after about a dozen iterations. It definitely cut days off the effort, though. It's almost finished, just a few iterative tests remaining. OMG, my hand is starting to cramp into a Vulcan greeting—must be awakening my inner geek. The new lineup for Stanford is gradually rolling out, 3 weeks are posted, and we already have a date night scheduled for next weekend. The solo trip to the Essanay Theater in Niles for silents was well worth the trip. The Chapln and Lloyd shorts were wonderful, and enough. I left before the final film, silently satisfied. I had a pleasant conversation with a slighty older couple from Australia, visiting their daughter in SJ. It's wonderful to meet and talk to people about shared interests.

⚖️175.8(0) ❤️63(59-123)🩸112/81 👣 5,700/2.7mi (🧘‍♂️)

Highlights: Lucky joined me for 'car ride training' during a few late morning errands. Within five minutes at the first stop, when left alone, he broke his leash and moved to the front seat! The next stop, a dog park, was met with eager anticipation once he saw where we were. The final stop afterward was much easier, partly thanks to a reinforced leash knot at the break point and his exhaustion. Wendy reached out asking for help setting up the reMarkable she'd bought over a year ago. I spent about 30 minutes walking her through various details, insights, and uses. I did some cleanup in the backyard after the rain, fixing a few hanging lights loosened by the wind, but I'm waiting until Tuesday to handle any other needs, given the continued rain through Monday. I played around with some data export and presentation tools for a project I've been wanting to do. It's not a top priority among my other goals, but it's a fun engineering challenge that brings back memories of automation work I did in my professional years. My skills are a bit rusty, but they are still there.

Insights: It's the second day of the new year, and also the second day I've used the Daily Stoic and Daily Buddhist as meditations. I like this routine; it's been working well for me so far. This morning, the weather was beautiful — I spent time at Starbucks reading, writing, and experimenting with some software. I'm trying out a few random dictation and grammar tools that might help me speed up my writing without giving away actual authorship to AI. On a personal note, I caught myself a couple of times becoming irritated at things not working or not going as I expected. Yet, I quickly recognized it and let go of the frustration, which felt like a rewarding improvement. One of my goals this year is to practice what I preach. I also felt good about limiting distractions, like going to the gym, walking Lucky, and driving — without giving in to the urge to add more to the moment with music, podcasts, phone calls, or other "optimizations" that dilute my full attention to the primary task. On a side note, to capture this for posterity, I noticed last night in bed that the skylight on the roof of Nina and Kevin's house behind us crests right at the edge of our fence. It looks like a full moon is rising over the horizon. Tres cool. Oh, and today I learned that you can long-press the trash can in the iPhone mail app to easily choose between deleting or archiving. Who knew?

⚖️175.8(-1) ❤️63(60-111) 👣 6,121/2.8mi (🧘‍♂️ 🏋️‍♂️)

Highlights: I started the day, and the year, with "the Daily Stoic" while adding a new find, "The Daily Buddhist". A new addition to an existing routine to begin each day with intention and reflection. Tommy and Shelby went to LGCafe for breakfast. As they left, I overheard her say, "You put your dirty clothes in the sink? That's not where they go!" and I suddenly felt hope. Perhaps an outside influence will make a difference. He offered to bring me something back, which I declined at first, but then accepted. I suspect he wanted to make a good impression, but it's also not out of character. A few moments after the door closed, he reopened it, stuck his head in, and asked if I'd like to join them. I assumed that was her suggestion, which was sweet, but I told him I was in the middle of something. I don't want to intrude on their time and space. He later asked that, if he bought the Jafari's non-working go-kart to work on as a fix-up project, could store it in the side alley. I grudgingly agreed, provided he helped me move some things so it wouldn't be in my way. I suspect it won't happen at all, or it'll be stored there and sold "as -is" in the spring. I spent some time this evening helping my mom manage her email, which she said was disappearing again. It's a filter she's somehow routinely clicking on. There's little I can do to simplify this without making it more complicated. It is what it is, and I am focusing on showing her complete compassion. I weighed in at 4.8 lbs shy of my end-of-year goal. I'm pleased to be so close, especially considering that the past month has been challenging. I'll hit that goal soon enough. Following a solo dog walk with Lucky (who is coming along nicely with training in his later years) I finished watching "Train Dreams". It was an incredible, genuine, authentic character study through the span of one man's life. Although set at the turn of the century, it's a timeless story and experience. Subtle, poignant, and thoughtfully paced. This homage to human frailty is an exemplary instance of cinematography, production, direction, script, all of it. It's beautiful. Every bit of it.

Insight: I spent some time considering my priorities for the year ahead. I intend to reach beyond my comfort zone, as there's no growth in staying in it. I'm going to continue the focus on my physical well-being and mobility. I am exchanging a legacy need for control for a shiny new baseline of calm, frustration for compassion, and avoiding distractions that let me procrastinate getting outside my comfort zone. It's all connected. My writing, my mom, and the volunteer work with Jikoji will be my dominant focus for the foreseeable future, which, as experience has taught me, can be a warped mirage.

(🧘‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️)