Slept in a bit, again, getting a tad lazy but want to return to the 6am target starting tomorrow. I really do get so much more out of my day when I rise early enough to meditate, enjoy some calm time w/morning coffee, walk the dog early, and have time to ramp up for work. Which I won' be doing tomorrow, or Thursday, or Friday for the matter. I decided to take tomorrow and Thursday off for my birthday and enjoy some "me" time. Tomorrow it'll include some legal forms because I'm going to take Linda to court to get some changes made to our settlement and parenting agreements. They're not things she'll agree to or take ownership of so, this is my option. Sucks. But I won't dive into that pit right now. Speaking of pits, I found and scored a great deal on a much much better quality conversation pit for the patio. The deal is the cushions are trashed. I'm working on replacement options but at $150 this was a steal and the cushion covers are a small additional cost if managed well. Kids are here, we did an In/Out run after a HarborFreight stop (unsuccessful). Tommy was practicing football and then hanging out with Talon who's back in town.

What did I accomplish today? Well, I managed to stay on track with my eating. Jen made an awesome blueberry smoothie that I'll want again tomorrow. I started looking at the rental house options again. I like Harwood, But have hopes for Selina Way being a good option. I'm still not a fan of moving, and it's more of an exploration than an expectation, but if the opportunity to move closer to the kids is within reach without adding any significant financial risks... it's of interest. I only have two more years with them at Leigh and I'd like to be closer and accessible. Jen wants a change too and I want to support that if we can. Meanwhile p, the lights and bug zapper for Matson arrived. They look good and make it a pleasant experience to sit out On patio into the evening. I'm still working out other ideas for additional lighting options. I Had a chance to chat online w/Mary Sikes for a bit which was a real treat. It was good to hear from her and see how Maddie and Dean have grown. Mary was such a key and critical component of my days at Apple. I will always look back fondly at our friendship and working rapport. Listened to more of "White Fragility" and greatly appreciate how well presented the points are. There's a great deal to absorb and acknowledge. And incorporate going forward too.

Toying with the idea of AM posts in addition to PM. Between exposure to "Stoic" principles and reading "Irresistible" (book about tech addiction) I'm trying to reduce screen time while looking at these posts as am goal setting as well as pm reflections. In the realm of reflections, Drama yesterday re dropping Tommy at home and his wanting to return to Matson to work on video project. Infuriating scenario and while trying to make points w/his mom he hung up the call (via CarPlay screen) and it just made things worse. He ended up coming over but also ended up pressing on me, not her, for food funds and other such needs. Rolled with it but also found it warranting a firmer position on that responsibility. I think I finally figured out the mystery leak of water from the fridge, too. It appears ice that gets stuck in the chute for the dispenser ends up melting during defrost cycle. Cleared and watching for recurring. Had a good talk w/Jen about the move/don't move scenario. Found a place we like near Leigh on Harwood and it could be a really great strategic location for the next 2 years. But it's $1k more a month and that's challenging. I want to consider and maybe move on it, yet I'm apprehensive about any additional spend vs working aggressively to build a 6-9 month savings so we have some security and fallback in case our income situations change. I'll be revising that today, along with working to finalize some work-related sprint planning tool updates and the usual daily oversight and tasks. I'm still working through "Resistance" audiobook and although I'm enjoying it I might set it aside to finish later and move onto "White Fragility" or "Making Friends With Death" or continue "Irresistible". I'm on a book overload. I'm down 10lbs so far in the past 19 days. It's taking longer than I hoped and my 7/2 goal is pretty much out of reach, but progress is progress and if nothing else, being at my 1yr low on 7/2 will be reason enough to celebrate the accomplishment. Looking forward to a good week and a 4-day weekend.

"Instead of fighting turbulent tides, learn to surf"

After

Before

Treated myself to sleeping in for a change. 7.30-8 is now "sleeping in". Listened to the Calm Masterclass on Stoic philosophy and really indented with/appreciated much of it. I listened to a "summation" of "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, which the masterclass is based on, on the drive to San Ramon. Jen/Lauren drive too, I went to pickup the table Cynthia is giving us. Lauren and I hit the outlets then returned home. Picked up Tommy after his day doing boogie-boarding. 1 board was broken, and now I'm wrestling with the moral dilemma around returning to Costco or not. Stopped and photographed the burnt out remains of the old strip mall by Zorba's on Bascom. Wild to see it gutted. I finally took the time to try out the 'rim' cleaning DIY tip of dish detergent and baking soda and damn…. Worked great. Took lots of time and force due to the fact it's not been done for years, but they cleaned up nicely. Drove to look at a rental option and Tommy pulled up another and… it's Tim C's Dad's house on Shady View. The one I lived in the studio's (one at a time but both over time) in the back for some 3 years in my mid 20's. $2k/month more than current ≠ an option, but still, wild to imagine renting it, letting the kids have their own studio's, having a pool and being back in a neighborhood I really loved.

Relatively routine workday again. Tommy showed up around 10.30. I welcomed him, asked if his mom knew he was here, and went about my work while he did history homework and video editing. No big deal. But texts exchanged w/his mom implied 'custody' changes and I pushed back. You have to pick your battles and I'd not blink twice if he rode his board to her house on my time. Why does she? I know why, you do too. Jennifer. She's so hell bent on considering her so negatively that she can't see all the good and positive that exists for the kids with somebody who treats them well. Sigh.. Exhausting. Dropped him at 4pm so he could make football practice and returned to make Chicken Picatta and it came out phenomenal. Enjoyed patio time again, really hope to make full use of it for the summer months. Continued listening to Resistance by Tori Amos. It's good, but my attention is fragmented and White Fragility has arrived for listening so I'm gonna need to pick and focus.

Evenly paced work day. Kids at Pano. Fasting day to help kick through a weight loss stall. "Bullet Proof" decaf helped get through the last few hours. Tested out trickstercards.com w/Matt, Steve and Diana. It worked really well and was fun to play again. 4-player 1-deck constraint could be problematic for a broader group, though. Looking into options. Got a tour of their new place and it's awesome. Really makes me want to go work remote for a week and check it out further. Looking fwd to another game soon, and seeing Matt on 7/3 too.

Salvaged from the dramatic cutting back of the front bushes, this nest has history. Two years ago, on a baking-hot summer day, I was on the patio on a work call, when something moving on the blistering cement caught my eye. It was a baby bird that had fallen from this very nest who was, pretty much, cooking on the pavement. I dropped off the call, rushed into action and used a bowl to pick him up without touching him and returned him to this nest. As far as I know, it survived. The tree's gone but the nest is now a reminder of that moment.

"Ready for Interaction"

The summer patio is set up and in use. Now taking work calls as sunlight and temperatures allow. Using in the evenings too. Tommy dropped by and hung w/Caden for awhile. Jen/I got an impromptu invitation to hang w/Dominic and Mary for while at their place in the PM, along with their friends Tim and Ellen. It was nice to have adult interaction again. Looking forward to online Cards w/Matt Steve and Diana tomorrow. I've been sleeping better lately, which has been welcome. I'm not sure if it's being in ketosis or having lost a bit of weight or feeling more positive or not drinking… just gonna keep doing it all since it's working. :-)

Work focused day, with a mid-day vet visit. Routine. All good sans weight and oral care. (Dog, not me). Enjoy having cut down the shrubberry, as the daylight is so much better. Watched "Lauren Canyon" documentary that was awesome. It wove history into the music scene. Loved it.

Father's Day, Year 16. How quickly the years have passed. What started as a 'patio clean up' in advance of BBQ ended up with me going at the tall bushes blocking the front windows. They're cropped now. I saved the birds nest. Good memories of saving a bird that would have otherwise baked in the sun 2 yrs ago. Lauren and Jen got into the process and helped as we cleared the clippings, swept and hosed patio and furniture and swapped the 'sofa' back into place. Moved stuff all around. I also tightened up Tom Mangano's Adirondack chairs and they're far more stables and usable. Took Vijktoria home, then back to Matson for her phone and home again. NBD. Mountain drive on the 1st pass in X4 was fun. Tommy's continued to be really calm and pleasant, but also tired from being at Caden's overnight. Took them to Macys for more summer/school clothes. Tommy was invited to go with Eric and Carl to Alexander's and I didn't mind. I'm not locked into Father's day on an emotional level FROM them, I get all I need all year round. I also reflect on my role too, so the day is a 'nicety' but not a 'necessity'. Lauren/Jen and I had burgers I BBQ'd along with a cheese/veggie dish Jen made. Ate on the new clean patio. Lauren gave me gift of really nice double-walled Thermos and Drinking Glass. What was the best was the two cards, with her sincere affection and the pleasant surprise of Tommy having put some of his own thoughtful words into my car. Both touched me. It's nice feeling like I'm doing something well, at least, the best that I can is seemingly meeting their needs. And having Jen as a part of this has been amazing. How I ended up here, my fucking god, it's been hard. But this is a good place to be.

Great Saturday. A reasonably decent sleep, early rise and off to explore the 1st trails in our book. San Bruno Mountains. Further up the bay than expected. It was wonderful. Still overcast and cold in parts but overall pleasant. 2.5 mile hike with vast expansive views of the bay. Took kids clothes shopping and then had dinner at the Marioni's, without Lauren, who had Vijkoria over for a sleepover. It's been a really good and tranquil day. Tommy has been really pleasant. On our am hike I had a bright orange colored leave fall from a tree and gently blow past my face, within inches, and it struck me as one of those 'beautiful moments' referenced in American Beauty.

Three Steps Forward

Over the course of the past 2 years I have had the opportunity to challenge my own assumptions in a number of ways. I have grown from doing so. It's not always comfortable to admit being ignorant, apathetic or just plain wrong. But at the same time, refusing to be open to constructive feedback or reevaluating your own assumptions locks you out of a chance to evolve and grow. Over the course of the past couple of years I have encountered a few substantial opportunities to do just that.


My gut reaction to the #metoo movement was that it was overkill and that it was an over-swinging of the pendulum to an extreme position. My wonderful cousin Jeri, A Smith college graduate in woman's studies, helped me to step back and take a broader look at the bigger picture with more consideration of the history of the treatment of women for centuries. You would think that as the child of a 70's feminist I'd not have needed that nudge, but I did, and I embraced it. I dove head first into reading and listening, and coming to better understand about nature and origins of that movement. I still fear any situation in which an accusation can become a declaration of guilt, but I fully recognize and understand how decades of subjection and the subtle systemic designation of women as being both the lesser sex and an object of the same had influenced my own desensitization and disconnection. I reconnected.


My home life and the shared custody of my 16yr old twins has been a growth opportunity too. I have been encouraged to reflect on and relax my ingrained reflex impulse to tightly control and constrain the behavior of my son. I am relaxing and accepting him as the genuinely good-hearted individual he is, while responding and modeling calm reinforcement of better language and respectful treatment of his mother, sister and myself. I had forgotten what being 16 was like, and I was no angel myself. My actions and responses have been far more effective now that I have found that a whisper, and even silence, has more impact that a shout. We have connected in a way we had not before and it's wonderful. To my delight and good fortune, my daughter and I have always has a strong bond, and the only conscious focus I've found needed is more recognition and engagement, which has been wonderful as well.


My most recent insights have come during the last few months, as numerous high-profile murders of black people has driven the visibility of the continued disproportionate degree of violence by law enforcement to a massive and warranted level of social awareness. More importantly, it's seemingly reached a tipping point. It's forcing people like me and other I know to look closely and recognize the true nature of the systemic numbing of our awareness of the ingrained levels of separation that have permeated our society.


On the topic of "black lives matter", for me personally, I have had to step back and recognize my own biases, judgements and privilege. I have had to recognize that even as "woke" as I might feel I have been because I've watched "Eyes on the Prize" and "I Am Not Your Negro", even as I might want to throw out that every year on MLK day I consciously dedicate time to watch documentaries about him and consider his significance and message, I have lived highly detached from real day-to-day consideration of what living as a black man must REALLY be like.



I am not being closely watched when I enter a convenience store. My walking through an affluent neighborhood does not draw excessive attention. I am free to move about society with far less suspicion, presumption, or fear. Becuase I'm white. How fucked up is that? 

Yet I have admittedly been guilty of perpetrating that exact situation without conscious intent or thought. I've been programmed to a significant degree by a vast array of influence, from a wide range media, news and films. Additionally there are documented political decisions that have been exposed after the fact to have manipulated laws as far back as the 13th amendment goes to present day, in ways that intentionally created a division of class. Mass incarcerations form the 70's on have escalated with the end goal being to disempower the black community.



I told my daughter today that  we are living through what history will consider as pivotal as the civil rights movement was in the 60s. We need to move beyond race inequities just as much as we need to move beyond gender inequities. I believe, for myself, that at this point in time, if this concentrated effort to spread awareness is maintained and consistent, it could drive the level of change and awareness needed to end the idiocy once and for all.

The book "White Fragility" is in demand. Our two local libraries have almost 100 people waiting in the queue for the 19 available copies. The NYT Top 10 non-fiction books are all but one about race. (The 10th being about woman's rights). There is an overwhelming amount of dialog and information about racial equality and white privilege everywhere I turn. That is highly encouraging.

I am finding myself unable to turn from or deny that I really have been living in a completely separate reality than anyone of color has experienced, for hundreds of years. Yes, many, many things have progressed and evolved in our society as far as race goes, from where it was 155 years ago, that warrant recognition. There have been wonderful advances made in the areas of arts, science, culture, politics... and this is real progress, indeed. But it must not overshadow how much progress remains to be seen and needs to be achieved.


I spent the day watching inspiring documentaries, reading insightful articles and listening to podcasts directed to people like me, realizing we need to engage. 

A great quote I heard was how racist comments by older people get dismissed as a generational issue when the truth is that if "grandma can learn to use Facebook", she can learn that racism is wrong. That hit a nerve ... I still recall to this day how in the late 70's my great grandma drop the N-word, viciously, and it took me by complete surprise. I did the very things. I rationalized it away as a generational issue. 

Yet another point was made that the opposite of "being a racist" is not "not being a racist", it is being "anti-racist". Meaning, being committed, engaged and involved in actively shutting this shit down. For good.


I'm there. And I'm excited about the possibilities.

Starting to sleep a bit better, and starting to feel a bit calmer, relatively. I'm also starting to connect some dots as to my recent success in regaining control over regaining weight. I came too close to an historic all-time high. Getting traction (8lbs down) and getting into Ketosis (1.6) and getting into a better daily routine (early rising along with continued meditation) has really done good things for me. I am 100% back on track with an aggressive effort to get back into a healthier state again. I can't help but wonder if that's all part of insomnia and mood swings and depression. I have a renewed drive and commitment to getting back to a place I feel at home and conformable again in my own skin. Returning to work today after yesterday's frustrations regarding my press for a very reasonable recognition of Juneteenth as a company, which was adopted in the end, was accentuated by a couple of thoughtful and sincere thank-you's from some of the team, who witnessed or heard of my ardent resistance to compromise on this. That was rewarding, as is the adoption of a policy. I still deeply despise the term "Holiday" when that literally means "festivity and celebration". I'm starting to understand that celebration can be about the date's historical meaning, but I evangelize conscious reflection on how there's still clearly progress to be made. More on that elsewhere. Meanwhile, I gave up on BMW following through on the press to activate CarPlay and used an alternative method. Lauren cut my hair (#4 all around) on the patio tonight and did a great job. Kid are here tonight and then Friday - Sunday PM due to Father's Day.

Listen to 182 The Seventh Seal from The Cine-Files on Apple Podcasts. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cine-files/id1124549378?i=1000471060987

Scottie slept well all night which was great. Me, not so much. Fair. Made it up early though, and eeked out a moderate meditation before dog-walk and heads down into work needs. Fasting today and contemplating if the 5/2 routine is better with the two being serial or staggered. Anyway, at work, I'd promoted that "Juneteenth" being recognized on Sunday.. "Thinking out loud… maybe we should consider joining the companies doing something to recognize "Juneteenth". Whatever is decide could range from a paid day off/company holiday to some other form of team-side promotion and awareness". It was side-stepped and I dropped it. It resurfaced, and a passionate discussion ensued in slack. I pressed back, hard, on one person's resistance, and feel I made compelling points and articulate arguments that we do SOMETHING. It escalated, and in the end the points were made and the company adopted a resolution to recognize it. I have other sentiments I'll express elsewhere but I'm grateful for the team that stop in unity to effect a positive change in our business. I took the afternoon off and caught up on busy-work. Looked into options to get some sort of vacation this summer w/the kids and coordinating such w/Linda resulted in a snide comment that I resisted the urge to respond too. What's the point when it won't be considered. My latest "ice" effort took 30hrs to cool and reach a 2"+ thickness. I took more time to cut out larger 2" squares and they came out awesome. The 'rough' nature of them really looks incredible. Listened to Cine-files episodes about "Silverado" and then "The Seventh Seal" and both were great. Really enjoyed them both, and all of the observation of the details and nuances of the latter. It's been a favorite for decades, I even used the 'dance of the dead' image as a blog header way back when. And yet I've just rediscovered it and learned more than I already knew about all the imagery and subtext it had. Gotta watch it again, just might do that now.

Last night was pretty crazy w/Scottie. He was seemingly amped up and resiltess most of the night and at one point, likely 3am-ish, whimpering, I let him out front. It was maybe the 3rd time. And he proceeded to have horrible diarrhea, so something was off. He eventually settled down, then later today he threw up. Jen remembered he'd been eating June bugs and a google search later pretty much confirmed this was exactly what happened. He's better now. I had a good call with Anna at CHC and felt like things were going well and my concerns were heard. Work was fine. I dropped Costco food at mom's after am meetings and dropping kids off. Linda/I had some further back/forth about "Custody" when Tommy showed up at our place unannounced and it just isn't negotiable. Ultimately the bottom line is that "custody" does not change if Tommy drops by, any more than custody changes when he's anywhere else. I'm done getting wrapped up in this shit. Tommy had fun w/Caden and even though the was still pressing for time, he was responsive and came back when asked. GNO was good but the parallel management of Linda and Tommy really kept me from being fully immersed. Showed them my ice cube video while still being perplexed as to how JS and JF both can generate clear cubes w/the trays. However, the cooler method has really proven to be fun and the end results are just so unique. It's been a fun distraction. I'm hoping to deal with some to-do backlog for the next few days and then return to audiobooks. I want to start another one soon.

 

Today's definitely been one of those days that are so filled with little moments that pass so quickly, and yet make up the best simple experiences of life. I slept in for the first time in a while, having been getting up 6-6.30 prior. So after 8am was a surprise. I'll be back on the earlier schedule tomorrow though. We took the dog to a local park and the poor guy is just a wreck out side of his element. He just wants to return to the car. We've have hit and miss success with going places and we don't fully understand it but red that it's best to not force but to entice or reward. He needs more socialization. Kids arrived on time and while Jen was doing a 'zoom makeup party' with her friend Vanessa and others, Kids ran with me to drop off donations at Hope, pickup a power washer and get the ingredients for Jen's planned Sesame Chicken Wings (and drumsticks at my request). Tommy went to walk Waldo, Caden's grandparents dog, while Lauren and I power washed both cars. I know better than to wash cars on hot bright days. They came out looking great but dried quickly and trying to clean and dry windows in the hot sun on a baking-hot windshield is not optimal. My fingers felt like they were being burnt at one point. But we got the job, sans front windshields, done, and had a good time doing it. Jen 'n Lauren trimmed Scottie's hair. I asked Tommy to help carve 2" squares from the recent ice block, but after taking it out I tried wiping it down w/cold water and it fracture throughout as I was doing so. Ultimately though, what came out of it were beautiful and striking uniquely shaped large dense ice 'chunks', and they're really amazing to look at and use. I threw another batch of water in for Tommy/I to revisit tomorrow PM. I have saved recycling for over a year because I could not find a recycle center to redeem them at and I'd been resenting the fact that a couple of folks come through the afternoon before pickup, and root through the recycle bins on the street for bottles and cans. It felt invasive and weird. But lately I've bene thinking that it was silly to be judgmental and be upset about it when it's got to be a difficult situation to be in and they likely encounter more disregard than compassion. SO after intending to do so for a few weeks now, I finally packup up the recycling into bags and set it out w/the trash so that whoever comes through has a generous offering and supply. It's not something I can maintain but I'm thinking that I'll just put out whatever I might have at the top of the bin each week and leave it at that. These would have filled it and been a chaotic extraction at best.  We all sat down and devoured the dinner Jen made, it was delicious and deemed a family favorite. I bathed the dog with Lauren's help, it's always fun watching him afterwards as he runs about, rubs on the carpet and couch. We then took a casual PM drive through "Palm Lane", an area in San Jose off Bird and Pine that has some wonderful homes, really old and some remodels, on massive palm-tree lined streets with island parks, and such. Closed the day by watching an Australian film, "Beneath Hill 60", about a real WWI military operation that was very well made, entertain, and emotional. The juxtaposition of two key roles on either side was subtle and genuine. We (Lauren/Tommy/Me) all enjoyed it.

ALL that in 12 hours. All those simple seemingly routine and easily forgotten moments were felt and lived fully in the moment. And taking the time to capture this daily keeps me conscious about the value of being present and conscious of what's happening, while I can.

Broke the fast and started the keto phase. Jen made a wonderful breakfast of homemade sausage and poached eggs w/chimichuri sauce. Totally loved it. She cooked up a tri-tip that was to die for, it ended up being lunch AND dinner. My 2nd pass at clear ice worked great. I set the block aside so Tommy can help carve out the cubes tomorrow. Started looking a ideas for a vacation, but covid constraints remain a concern. Catalina is a forerunner. Meanwhile, Tommy showed up unexpected as he's known to do. He shared a story of having come across a young kid who he suspected was hurt, so he stopped to check on him. He was. He'd fallen, hurt his foot and could not walk. Tommy ended up staying with him for over an hour while trying to contact his parents and eventually calling 911 and waiting for them to attend to him. I am so proud of him. I proceeded to work on cleaning my car as planned for the day and he helped until he was called back to Panorama. Just as we were leaving Jen shared that Deann shared with her that Tommy was mentioned and thanked on nextdoor.com for his Good Samaritan actions. Over 100 kudos and comments followed. I know what a good heart he has, but the public recognition is rewarding, I'm sure.

Took the water fast to day 3. Felt it via headaches, fatigue and a bit of 'gerd' sensations due likely to over drinking water. But, I did it and achieved the goal of 'resetting' and cleansing. Feeling focused and ready to kick this into a 5/2 routine starting tomorrow. Jen's on board, too, which will make it a lot easier. BTW she had a 1:1 conversation w/Tommy last night that I forgot to capture. He rode along to get the 2nd BMW key and she shared some of it with me later. It moved me, and I think it set some ideas out for him as to my love and best intentions, hers too, and ways we can better navigate the communication issues, triggers, and conflicts that come from going between two homes. It means so much to me that he has some input from an outside observer. He stopped by today while at a friends and it felt different. Better. As did our conversation this am about summer classes, participation on football calls, and working out some summer-time flexibility in the custody schedule. That's inching along too. I have a sense of optimism and hope. Watched "The Promise" documentary about the making of Springsteen's "Darkness on the Edge of Town". Having read his book and now watching a few of these really impress me as to his song writing. I never really paid enough attention to the lyrics and meanings and now have a greater respect for it. Looking fwd to a hopefully good nights sleep and taking a break from the 6am rise (which I'm starting to really appreciate doing after the 1st 15min) and sleeping in late for a change.

Work demands increase, sleep is better, and I'm on day 2 of a water fast as I try to do a bit of cleansing and resetting of my metabolism for a full on keto-press. Last night we took the new BMW to Santa Cruz and passed multiple accidents on the opposite side of 17. One including a person being attended to by emergency staff in the road. That stuff always jars me. It makes me stop and send positive vibes and reflect on mortality and the sudden trauma of accidents and incidents we don't expect. I've been relatively fortunate so far to have been spared many incidents like this. I've had some close calls, though, including a car flipping over and almost landing on me, and a massive tree branch falling and landing directly behind me as I walked underneath it. It's crazy how timing plays a role in this win/lose dance of life. After realizing how bad traffic going back would be we took highway 9. It was spectacular. SUCH a stunning and wonderful drive. Feels so removed and remote. I will be doing it more often. The extra time is far more rewarding when you've not place you have to be. Meanwhile Linda's responded to Tommy's saying he wants to live with me for the summer with an agreement that he can. I think here's more drama and manipulation at play but I do think he would benefit from a less rigid school schedule for the summer, so I'm trying to coordinate that. So far it's not well received but I'm hoping to find a middle ground that works for his well being.

Finally managed to get a decent sleep and it helped make the morning positive. The volume of work is piling up and it's becoming overbearing. I have started pushing back. Took kids for drive to Wallburgers in the BMW. Still pissed off about their CarPlay extortion and that, along with having found that the rear seats are heinously uncomfortable and caused me back pain really irritates the fuck out of me. Simply because I was trying to emphasize the sainty and benefit of making more educated decisions based on real experience. TURO a car for 2 days and really try before you by. It's her car, her money, her choice, but that my logical approach was not embraced and that impulse and emotion won out leaves me feeling unappreciated. Especially when I find out after the fact that it's not going to be the option for comfortable durations. Sorta don't want anything further to do with it at this point. I like my CRV. Haven't been reading anything lately, or watching anything either. Too many other things going on and starting to really want a week off with zero demands or things to fix or manage. This isn't living. It's existing.

Day got away from me as I got pulled into helping get this ^. No other updates. Wiped.

Shitty sleep seems to be the norm of late. Last night included. Wiped this am but got my 'wind' and took care of some house stuff including going through all of Lauren's clothes to sort out the donation options that are not worn. Did great. Took off for a drive in the 430i convertable. Went through Saratoga to Skyline and all the way to the HMB side. Leisurely and gorgeous. So grateful to live near such stunning woods and hills. Returned back along the resoviour and La Canada road to Woodside, then through Los Altos and back up El Camion to Palo Alto. Just in time to land smack in the middle of their BLM protest march. I wish I'd gotten out and joined them but the contingency was less interested in doing so and I was pretty much pinned in by the time it occurred to me. I could not park so i had to sit. We all did for about 20 min or so as they worked their way through. As I sat there, wanting to join but also being stalled because of it, it struck me that marches like this might be misplaced if intended to impact government into taking action. Simply because it's a downtown district, not a government building that's being disrupted. And Maybe marching for change in DC sends a message, but downtown Palo Alto? Los Gatos? And the concept of 'raising awareness' via marching might have made sense in the days of suffrage and civil rights but in today's world, it's not like there's not broad and vast awareness of this whole movement. Maybe there's a benefit in unity but i'm working more on how to turn Awareness into action over trying to spread awareness. Once the march concluded I took us to Peninsula Creamery for ice cream. Carmel Cold Brew.... yum! Jen lost an earring into a grate on the sidewalk and Tommy slyly and deftly retrieved it with a plastic stir-stick. So smarl!! Then she drove a bit and liked the car. We returned home for a break and then Lauren/I took off for one final 1:1 drive through Saratoga and to in 'n out for takeout. Closed the day w/a ride to Guadalupe w/Talon and Caden and Tommy. Jen's resumed a search for a car after we sorta decided to hold off and try a few and due some due diligence, so she might be going solo on a purchase. I just don't do will with mixing emotion and impulse into spending 10's of 1,000's. Not me at all.

Picked up the Turo this am w/Lauren after finishing work on the Pinball machine. Loved working on that with her, and it came together well in and works great.  The BMW 431i M class convertible has been a blast. I took Lauren home and got Tommy Caden and Talon from Talon's house. Grabbed donuts/bagels and drove Hicks/Shannon route. Dropped the two friends off, got Lauren, Dropped school books at Leigh and found very unexpectedly that Lauren had a HUGE bag of locker contents to claim. Followed that with a drive with Talon again, and kids, to Phils. Ran into Kathy Valhov of all people. Had a great meal as usual and was very glad to have Tommy not accept a pretty shitty (massively over-cooked) calamari dish. "It's Phils", he said, "it's never like this". Good on him. Don't settle. Returned with a detour from Capitola through to Santa Cruz, then back. Got off in LG but ran into a BLM demonstration in progress so had to wind through the backstreets. Dropped Talon, returned for a break and after considering that Lauren willingly gave her 'seat' so Tommy could go to Umunhum w/Talon and Caden, I took her for a 1:1 ride beforehand. Then, back on the road, back up to Umunhum (no Caden after all), and back home. 200+ miles in a day. Renting a convertible at the start or end of summer has become something of a ritual and given that we really don't go on big scale vacations, this is a way of getting out, about, away, and making memories for all of us. Tomorrow we'll do a Skyline run but I'm not going to be driving all day again. Just because I rent a car doesn't mean I want to sit in it for 12hrs straight. It's hard to resist the "... but we have it and it's nice out" voice in my head, so.... we'll see how things play out. I sure wish we had clear night skies though.

Didn't sleep well at all. Heat, mostly, and a restless mind at play. I've been listening to Springsteen autobiography into the evening and I think that's a factor. It's really good, very well written and read, and very personal and introspective. It's inspiring. It makes me want to write more, and that's good. I have a massive backlog of things to write about. Every day gets so busy, there are so many things to read, to listen to, to watch and to experience. In a small way this daily journal allows me to at least capture some moment and insights but it's no substitube for the more focused and dedicated topics I want to address. I have tomorrow off and I've rented a convertable through Turo for the first time. Tommy's staying at Talon's w/friends and I'll get them in the morning after Lauren and I get the car. Lauren brought the Kiwi kit over and we worked on it tonight. I loved it. We work well together and we don't get enough of these opportunities. I made a Costco run this am on a break and ran food to my mom's but didn't get time to hang out. Maybe i'll go Sunday. I think there's some things she needs done around the house and i want to help out. I'm still being cautious as far as Covid risks go, though, so no kids and distance awareness, just in case.

Lots going on over the past few days. Sadly it appears that Tommy's not going to pass Math or French. I feel bad for him, but.... it's his own fault, 100%. Instead of turning in work on time he let it all slack until the last minute and then, even with constant reminders and directions, went off fucking around with his friends instead of doing what was clearly a far more important task. Life lesson under way. I hope it puts him on a path of awareness and not blame of others. There's no reason for this beyond his own apathy. Work wise David's doing well and we appear on path to recruit an OPS contractor. The day was hard as a load of traffic put the site into stress points having completed the colo objectives would have abated. Shit happens and shit happened. Working not on a past outside of our control but on a plan to continue as best as possible. GNO included BL joining which was welcome. It seems some prior comment(s) hit some nerves but at least it's been clarified and I for one realize how stress can inflame and sensitize nerves, so whatever it was will surface and be resolved or set aside. Im going to try and be more mindful of my own presence and awareness. Still enjoying messing around with clear ice, an 8th test is under way. Jen made an awesome dinner and we lazed on the patio. I'm grateful for her, for friendships, for the opportunity to help my children recognize and learn from mistakes, and the damned fucking cute dog we have.