The coffee at Martin's was awesome. His light roast impresses me; it's like something from Sacramento's boutique coffee places. I'm looking into getting a roaster myself. It was good seeing Cheryl too, and catching up with Martin. He'll likely come by next week while David and Julia are in town. I had a good text exchange with David, planning some things out. Mom had tech issues, which we isolated to Comcast being down without my having to drive over. That being said I'll stop by tomorrow while running errands and review other issues/pain points. I'm a bit concerned about her - she's too isolated - but she's going to the Library, which is great. I Sous Vide steaks for Jen and I after a day spent immersed in the guest room work. It went well, really well. I'm 1 day and a set of Queen sheets away from being 'done' sans some nice-to-have upgrades. Tommy's room's done sans some storage I'm picking up tomorrow. He seems to be having anxiety issues again, which is something I hope to get him help with in 2024. He needs to look at some difficult stuff. Lauren seems to be doing well but I'm considering going up next week if I can work it into my schedule while David/Julia are out.

Highlights: Another good day all around. I believe I already mentioned deepbow Zazen. Coffee with JS was pleasant, we hung out until around noon. I returned home and juggled a number of tasks including selling Lauren's spare guitar, but most of the day was working on the guest and Tommy's room again. I made HUGE progress. His room is almost done sans the IKEA run for additional shelves. The guest room will be a focus tomorrow as I weed out the final dregs of clothing to be in his room or in an 'overflow' space yet to be determined. I hope to get garage time too but the progress on these two rooms is really rewarding. I bought a $20 bookshelf for his room that's perfect for the space needs and I'm hoping to find a dresser for the guest room before next Wednesday.

Mindset: open. Trying to incorporate more mindfulness and introspection into my daily interactions. As if there's room to do so :-) you would think I've done enough. But it's a constant ongoing effort to try and keep my default mode network from activating.
Goals: yesterday was very productive. I got a lot done. I managed to get Lauren's tires filled and tank filled as well. All the wine has been put away and do its appropriate places and inventory. Air filters were changed. Tommy and Lauren's rooms continue to get worked on along with the garage in parallel. It's a bit of a Rubiks cube game, trying to move things around in order to get them into their eventual permanent position. But I feel positive that by the end of the week it will all be in place. I joined the Online Zazen with deep bow, which was great. It feels like there group is slowly expanding and it's nice to see some familiar faces. Today's focus will be predominantly on Tommy's room and where clothes will go and what additional hardware is needed to expand storage in the closet which I will get later this week.
Anticipation: coffee with Johnathon and the entire day, working on the aforementioned tasks while listening to podcasts.
Wants: I have so many things. I'm grateful for that. Listing wants every day seems so selfish and silly. At the same time it's really about setting ideals and aspirations. I want to focus more on exploring, and finding a position of confidence in the dichotomy of life, as we know it, and all of the aspects of life that have potential value and insight beyond this "baseline" concept of existence. But I want this to be based aggressively in science. at least to the point that you can't discount and disprove an experience, as being nothing more than an illusion, or a hallucination.

Mindset: Optimistically Overloaded - the more I do the more I find to do, but these are see imposed options and choices I accept and own. The prioritization and optimization is where I start pacing and muttering aloud.
Goals: Mini : tires and cover. Tommy's room : pair open tasks down to clothes storage. Guest room : same. Also, get last run of Christmas shopping done.
Anticipation: More focused effort and actions.
Wants: A 1 month writing excursion.

I managed to dig deep and get a slew of things done today. As anticipated, the work going into the guest room meant needing to make room for things to 'return to' Tommy's room since he'd been using Lauren's old room as a storage facility and chaotically. So, like somebody else, we know—learned habits. Of course, as I peeled back the layers of HIS room-onion, I ended up spending a far greater time on things. I washed all his bedding and ordered replacements, too. I moved his bed from against the wall and assembled and inserted the otherwise unused drawers. Space is a premium, so that's essential. But that all took time, as did putting the bed together correctly. He'd rushed it and skipped screws, and the bed support was 50% F'd up. It's all rock solid now. I even cleaned the entire bed frame, headboard included, and then started on the shelves and his closet. I have more to do tomorrow, but once it's all done, including a probable run to IKEA to manage some final storage needs, it'll be a vast improvement. I took a break to put the house lights up while Jen did the tree. We ended the night with Christmas music playing and immensely enjoyed the space and the tree. I'm glad I put the time into Tommy's room as it ties into the guest room setup and the garage, which is #3 on my list of tasks to tackle this week.

Mindset: Focused. Realizing that my goals for this eeek are likely to take 3x the amount of time. As is typical, once I start I find more related needs or blockers to address along the way. Tommy's sheets for example open up a can of works related to bedding, bed assembly shortfalls, heater duct blockage and more. Par for the course.
Goals: stay in motion and action all day. Prioritize the outdoor lighting and guest room, then Tommy's bed and if time allows maybe garage but not likely.
Anticipation: a sense of accomplishment balanced with complexity and the great unknown.
Wants: to not have to argue with Tommy about having moved his shit.

Highlights: Tommy's off to Paris for the week! I'm so glad he's going on a trip with Vinny and know they'll have so many opportunities to make lifetime experiences. I spent the day working on the guest room. Wow. It is emotionally dense to see all these clothes from years of their lives behind us and them. They're adults now, yet their lives are really just beginning. The next 10 years are going to be so significant. I'm feeling like an empty nester. Slightly. Jen's friend Vanessa dropped by, and they visited for hours, and she had some good input and ideas about the kitchen layout. We made a Savers run tonight to drop some of the stuff we aren't keeping, and we stopped at in n out for flying Dutchman's. We ended the night watching the South Park "Pandaverse" special, and it was hilarious and spot on.

Mindset: satisfaction. I was able to get several things done yesterday, and i intend to again today.
Goals: Reduce & avoid idle time being distracted by tech. Get guest room setup completed.
Anticipation: seeing Tommy off for his 1-week trip!

I'd planned on doing the online Zazen with Deepbow when I was approached about walking the dogs. 3-1, they won. The photo above was taken the morning I walked out and into. I think it was a good choice. I ended up meeting Frank for coffee anyway, and the discussion was valuable and encouraging. He's a far more 'science' based person, and my desires related to anything 'mindful' are to avoid the more 'whoo whoo' aspects, as I've mentioned elsewhere. He's in that same camp. It's a challenging situation exacerbated by my uncertainty about what defines awareness and spirituality and what falls into ignorance or gullibility. The good thing about the space I've been occupying all year related to Zen and related views is the intentions of all, whoo whoo or not, being genuine, sincere, and reasonable. That being said, I've seen identity attached to intention, where things get questionable. I'm still in a state of curiosity, though. What an incredible year this has been to have had the time to spend on this stuff. I also had another excellent call with Lauren today as we discussed more ideas and action items related to CVI. It was heartwarming that Jen called her last night to express interest and support, too. Have I ever mentioned how insane it seems that we ended up as a family? Played online cards tonight with TBDs. Great fun. Always is. I took over cleaning, picking up, and being 'house husband' since Jen's on a full-time working schedule again. Tommy's been set to start his internship at Stanford, working with kids in intense medical situations. I believe it will be intense, rewarding and likely a significant insight into the fortunes and limitations of life and medicine.

Early AM rise and off to Jikoji. I arrived just a minute or two after 7, but I ran into Michael and his Niece heading out and chatted a bit. It worked out, as the Tea Ceremony delayed Zazen. It was just Karn, Cade, and "Prachi," an intern staying for a month or so. Breakfast was nice, and I was glad I brought eggs up. A staff shortage issue resulted in my offering to stay Tuesday - Wednesday, but later in the day, it turned out that Michael would stick around. My presence on Wednesday would be helpful, so I'll do that. I'll also learn more about the AM rituals, which will come in handy if there's a next time. I'm looking forward to learning that. It's time. I was able to get into an 11 am appointment (I barely made it) for the 1st stage of the crown. The dentist said I was fortunate that the break wasn't worse due to another fracture that could have caused the whole tooth to fall apart. It wasn't pleasant or overly painful, and the temporary one will be replaced with a permanent one on 12/04. Jen's 1st day back at work seemed to go well, which is good. I managed a few Jikoji tasks, including some reporting on donation revenues and fixing a minor issue with the feedback form. I tracked my missing credit card down to leaving it at "The Counter" on GNO. Jen and I picked it up and got "Flying Dutchman" at In 'n Out. I ended the night with an intense, moving conversation with Lauren about her association with CVI as a diagnosis of issues she's struggled with silently for 20 years. It was heartbreaking to comprehend not having known and to admit my ignorance was likely behind frustrations with her not doing things like ordering food or asking for a fork or other 'typical' stuff that somebody with CVI might struggle with. The call was good, and I'm so proud of her maturity and strengths. It's still hard as a parent - it feels like I missed something critical that could have made a difference in the quality of her life so much sooner. But I'll be there for her if this proves to be the case.

Jen opt'd to setup for work in the bedroom's existing space which freed me up to focus on washing the windows. Which I did. It had been years since the last time I can recall or imagine it being done and it really made a difference. As did just getting it done. I dug into some of Linda's archives in search of some info I needed and also found several sets of notes and unsent messages. It's still surreal that she's gone and I still insist that she strongly held her opinions and perspectives but it's all so one-sided, and dramatically drives home how two people can share one experience and have such dramatically different views. I pride myself on being open to and accepting my faults and failures, and I know that she had her intentions and agendas. Yet that was seldom, if ever, a concession reciprocated. I had a good chat with Lauren about some new possible explanations for some of her visual processing issues. I think she is onto something. While flossing before bed a small corner popped off of the tooth I've been in conversations with my dentist about capping. I guess it's time to schedule it. Ugh. I'm grateful it's not worse (no pain at this point) but that is now a higher risk. I'll have to watch what I eat until it's resolved. I guess that's my day tomorrow.

Mindset: A subtle sense of underlying irritation continues to overshadow my best intentions. The morning meditation was about releasing resistance to change and going with it naturally. I'm recognizing an overwhelming sense of laziness and apathy. Perhaps it's the onset of fall, shorter starches of daily, colder nights that make sleeping under warm blankets ore appearing than getting up to feed insistant beasts.
Goals: Cleaning the widows remains on my agenda this week – today looks promising. Working with Jen on setting up the guest room further for her return to work needs is also a hot topic of the day.
Anticipation: I'm wondering if she'll notice the hall was painted in her absence. She did not last night.
Wants: To continue consuming audio content that inspires me.

Mindset: Relaxed frustration. I had a good sleep. 2 Dogs remain persistent alarm clocks forcing me up to silence their internal full-bladder & rumbling-belly alarm clocks. Consciously intentionally staying up, starting my day with morning sit. Pamela was correct about the habit and benefit of daily time focusing on the moment. It does make a difference that does bring lasting benefits with consistency. The irritation is with an underlying sense of disconnect and apathy regarding the rudderless drifting that each day becomes. Busy each day yet feeling little getting completed. Progress gets made but closure gets delayed.
Goals: Jen returns today. I want to clean the house well, bathe the dogs and ensure her return is to a comfortable space.
Anticipation: Miguel birthday dinner at Jikoji.
Wants: honestly? To regain the focus and control I had losing all that weight two years ago. It's slowly returning, inch by inch, and as aware as I am of my desire and even need to manage it, my actions are not achieving the results I want. Why? Jen's doing well and I'm not. What works for her isn't for me. She cuts corners as much as I do which is little. I have growing resentment around this and need to return to what works for me so I have the daily satisfaction and energy I need to get the momentum back.

I had a pretty active and full day. I hung out at Starbucks for awhile then returned home and Mark swung by to hang out and talk. After he left I ran an errand to Ambrosia and back, stopping at my mom's to return some bakeware and pickup another Quiche! I also picked up the documentation from K Shade's office re the CPAP history. I have more to do now, by going to the distributor that provided the equipment in the first place. I finished the 1st draft of the newsletter for review after freaking out over being completely lost in checkfront due to not having spent time in it for a month or more. Ugh. I heard from Sabrina and Richard about some Care2 related news – sigh. Jen returns tomorrow and I have a few things I want to around the house so it's a pleasant return – dog washing, picking up, etc.

Mindset: hesitant — contemplating recent events that further influence my interest in a direction that I am not completely confident about. What's achievable and maintainable? And what inherently biased and dogmatic beliefs are in my way?
Goals: complete newsletter. Wash windows. Be.
Anticipation: Marlin breakfast.
Wants: To break the pattern of avoidance.

Finished painting the hallway, so down to the last drop of paint that I had to finger-paint a few spots out of desperation it was the only option to get those last drops out. Created the first draft of the newsletter as planned. Did not get to the windows It rained today and will for a few more days it seems. Had a good chat with Richard and learned he's had a successful transition to some non-prescription medication. Watched "Dosed - the trip of a lifetime" and liked it as much as the prior on. These occurrences keep pulling me in that direction as a career path. I need to pay attention to this. Went to in n out with Tommy. The Flying Dutchman is the way to go!

Mindset: Focused — glad I got up and stayed up. Glad I didn't follow through on deepbow visit when my heart is not in it.
Goals: Jikoji's newsletter draft this am. Finish painting hallway. May move then to the washing of the windows (least favorite household task but needs to be done.
Anticipation: dinner at HRK.
Wants: A walk in the woods would work wonders.

Mindset: Refreshed. I had a wonderful evening with Jen, wrote something substantive and satisfying on my GMTA site, and have a week ahead filled with plenty of activities and ideas.
Goals: Tackle some new home-improvement tasks this afternoon.
Anticipation: Starting on and hopefully fully completing "Save the Cat!".
Wants: I'm good right now, thanks.

This Means Something

There is no disputing that the last few years of my writing have taken a marked turn towards a more “zen” based introspective tone. One can look back at prior years and observe a baseline trend of ongoing self-examination and social commentary, peppered throughout with venting, idiosyncrasies, attempts at humor and endless references to my weight (always with the weight). Yet, for two-plus years, my dominant theme has been one of examining the fleeting sacred moments that comprise the momentary, insignificant, brief blink of an eye that is my inconsequential life.

Why so serious?

Highlights: Good start with mediation, early am. Positive feedback from deepbow on my writing summary. Coffee with JS. Gave away twin bed, picked up Queen frame. Lunch with Nevin. Dinner at Pano with Dominic/Mary.

TIL that battery operated fake candles' wicks burn quickly.

I didn't write this morning but I'm still committed to daily journaling. I slept well. Not perfect, but better than I did in Boulder for an array of reasons including learning, after the fact, that some meds I had are known to have insomnia as a side effect. No shit? But I had a good sleep being home with Jen and reconnecting with a greater focus and expression of gratitude that we get to have had all the time we've shared so far and hopefully at least as much ahead. My day was spent unpacking, catching up on mail, shipments, and a focus on organizing and minimizing. I want to thin out some of the cruft that's come from a year+ of being (back) in this home and all the assorted influences. I was quite proud of my idea to swap the bulbs in the motion-sensor based garage door opener for outlets, into which I plugged the full length garage lights I installed last year, enabling not only auto-on lighting in full upon entry but also auto-off. For whatever reason, the PGE data stream that's helped me reduce my PGE bill by over $200 with realtime monitoring, stopped streaming. It took a while to triage the device and then get through to PGE but I got it working again and managed to not let the imposition trigger too much frustration. We took Aqui to my mom's to visit and give her some company after she had to put down her last cat, Starsky, yesterday. It was a pleasant evening and we had lots of interesting conversations. I shared my writing aspiration and concepts and they were well received .I'm onto something good.

My 3rd day in Boulder has been pretty inspirational. The focus of my day today was centered around "integration" - taking some of the insights and experiences of the prior day's sessions and trying to sift through and make sense of them with a fresh clean perspective. I had some issues sleeping and felt a residual fatigue that is apparently expected. But I pressed on after a wonderful breakfast at a local spot called "Tangerine". It was challenging but quite rewarding. I have pages of notes scribbled as I spent time trying to capture and further reflect on a pretty wide range of experiences. I honestly consider this perhaps the best of the two days, something I didn't really have time for the last visit. It gave me time and space to consider, well, time and space, along with my place and perspectives therein. The outcome was quite a surprise and like other aspects, seemingly far off base from my original assumptions while dead on target as to root concepts and areas I want to incorporate into my mindset going forward. I'll eventually write it all out but for now it's still an unfinished body of work – the writing as well as drawing any final conclusions. But, in a word, it was good. And I am good. I spent the majority of the day alone but took Eric to "Corks" for a wonderful dinner in gratitude. Stellar prime rib, good wine and great friendship. I have a lot to be grateful for. We all do. More on that elsewhere.

Mindset: Contemplative simplicity — I am taking a moment to reassess the path and direction I want to go in when I take my next step.
Goals: Tune into the energy and intentions of others. Focus on innate passions, interests and skills. Go with the flow(state). Aspire for simple contentment. Leave things better than I found them whenever possible. Do no intentional harm. Allow every little thing happening, every day, everywhere, within and all around, to do so. See the connections between energy, identity, stories and intentions.
Anticipation: Further insights to come.
Wants: A hearty breakfast.

"I've come to talk with you again…"

Spent the day in Boulder taking hillside walks and contemplating all of the aspects of life : stories, intentions, experiences, identity…. and the underlying energy that simply exists therein. It was a wonderful day. My agenda was sidelined by something unexpected that eventually came back around to be… yeah, my agenda. Funny how that goes. I had a good introspective talk with Jen this evening, sharing insights and observations with each other. There's so much more that'll have to wait for another post but all went well and ultimately, if it hadn't, that'd have to be ok, as I'm not wrestling for control any more. I am grateful for my wonderful wife, life, family, friends, and all of the rich experiences I get to keep having.

I'm back in Boulder. The flight and ride were fine. I feel great being here again. Just walking through the terminal was a reminder of the prior visit and all I feel I walked away with. Now I am returning with experience and clear intentions. The level of presence in the house and with these two friends is invigorating. It amplifies the goal to be as genuine as possible devoid of comfort levels. I am glad to be here, to have the support of my wife to explore this interest further and to gravitate towards wherever this takes me. I'll likely have more to share about that tomorrow.

On Boarding

 I am SO impressed with this “evolution”, yet so disheartened that it wasn’t implemented decades ago.

https://www.npr.org/2023/10/19/1207255409/united-airlines-new-boarding-policy#:~:text=Starting%20Oct.,minutes%2C%20United%20told%20NPR%20Thursday.

Mindset: Anxious anticipation — I head to Boulder today and will take another "inner journey" tomorrow with a focus on celebration and alignment. I hope to find and sort out several "default mode network" based assumptions and fallacies that may be barriers to widening opportunities. Judgement by and of myself and others being a paramount area of focus this time around, which ties into childhood and issues of acceptance, rejection and. ultimately. survival at the cost of authenticity. Taking things personally, anger as a defense mechanism, core feelings of apathy, too. That's a lot to unpack.
Goals: enjoy the days travels.
Anticipation: The night sky and nature.

.

"The process has started!" - Jennifer

5.30 AM wake up and run to the Train station with Jen and Lauren. 3 went out but only 2 came back. I revisited the Mini and think for now the thermostat issue is resolved but I'm watching it while considering if I want to just buy it or now. I'm torn but won't ramble about it here. Jen planeed things. I washed clothes and packed for Boulder. I'm getting more and more excited about returning. Perhaps a bit of hesitation only in the aspect of the unknown, but with an optimistic if not celebratory intention of recognizing how far I've come, how grateful I am, and where I can make small changes that might help me navigate the next 'season' that lies ahead. For as long as it might run before being cancelled. GNO at OPA allowed us to try a couple of the GOBM finds – both wonderful for very different reasons, IMHO. Of course as always the foursome delivered all the right balances of topics and insight, dialog and laughter. I'm deeply grateful to have shared this path with these guys.

I've mentioned before, and reflection on frequently, how full some days can be. So much so that it just speeds by. Today was one of those days. I slept in for a change (the warmth of the bed won this time around). I walked to coffee with JS at lele.cake and had some good conversation regarding parenting lessons 101. Jen came with me to pickup some clothes for the Bounder trip where I found several items I was in need of. We stopped for supplies at GOBM and it happened to be day one of their wine sale. I'd vow'd not to buy any but not that she could not choose to do so, which she did. I picked up Lauren while Jen made dog food. She returned to get some time at home with Lucky before we took her to her appointment, where her final dental work was completed! She ended up choosing to stay the night and take an early am train. We ran for In n Out, stopped by Yogurtland, did a "Mountain Drive" in the Mini, played Farkle and she got some time with Tommy too. It's always a joy to have her with us and continue living our best lives.