I don't consider it all that unusual, given how I spent a full year stunned by the news of my ex-wife’s brain tumor and being present and engaged with her while she gradually succumbed to the brutal disease that took her life. Along with how our mutual time spent prior was consumed, either in whole or significant parts, with bitter resentment over relatively inconsequential issues by comparison. Pun intended. Because death can put a bitter divorce and the animosity related to my subsequently “shacking up with” and marrying her ex-sister-in-law into stark perspective. That was and is thoroughly inconsequential.
My latest journey of insight and self-reflection on a hillside in Boulder has yet to be fully processed or documented. It's deep, intense, and akin to peeling back the layers of individual identity right down to the particulate matter of pure energy alongside intention. There’ll be more on that to come another day and another post. And likely a quiz at the end.
With all this time I've invested in soul-searching and consciousness-expanding endeavors, one of the most gratifying uses of my time that I have gravitated towards since returning last week has been to step back from, rather than further into, the whole ball of metaphysical wax.
I am taking a beat, so to speak, to relax, revisit some of my baseline non-whoo-whoo interests, and enjoy some quality time being present without obsessing over the use of or quantity of time in my existence.
One of the many "epiphanies" I had was further insight into and gratitude for my underlying connection with Jennifer. Something between us runs at an incredibly intimate level of harmony. I have felt aggressively conscious of this, to the point of wanting to fully enjoy the freedom of daily time together, which we have enjoyed all year, before her impending return to work next week.
In addition, I've spent the past week setting aside most of my lofty goals and objectives. I finished and thoroughly enjoyed reading a book about the spotlight years of Fleetwood Mac, listening to the dramatically produced autobiography of Bono titled "Surrender,” and completing Quentin Tarantino's immensely intricate and justifiably opinionated “Cinema Speculation.” I just picked up a book on writing a screenplay ("Save the Cat!”), and I continue to tinker with my slow-paced effort to learn to play the piano.
My lotus position navel-gazing has been set aside for the moment. It will resume, most certainly. But it's been quite refreshing and pleasant to reconnect with so many other aspects of my more “worldly" interests and character that remain as integral to my experience here as do my more lofty interests in "figuring it all out.”
I suspect, in part, that is because I have.
Enough, at least, to ensure that I don't miss every opportunity to enjoy the music and history that moves me, the cinematic stories that inspire me, and the connection I feel when I briefly rest my hand on Jennifer's hip as we pass in the kitchen. The energy within the simple joys of these simple pleasures has as much potential to ripple through and positively influence my life and the lives of others as do my deepest philosophical reflections on our inherent impermanence.
Perhaps more so.
“...And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry. You will someday.”- Lester Burnham (American Beauty)