Helped my mom with computer issues - appeared to be network/wireless signal issues. Had a really good conversation with Lindsey. She's outgrowing her pot and needs more space. I'm tempted to send her to Bounder or deepbow. I started working on garage reorg and reduction, will continue tomorrow. Music at the Marioni's was fun - I'm envious of the family and friends they have and glad to be a part of that clique.

Mindset: Related.
Goals: Visit mom & help with computer issue du jur. May start the garage cleaning too. TBD.
Anticipation: a bit of an overcast day - feels like a seasonal transition and it's welcome.
Wants: Calm comfort balanced with daily progress and accomplishments.

Mindset: slightly off. Travel and uncertainty. Attitude from Tommy. A sense of displacement.
Goals: Financials. Taxes. Carnivore Day.
Anticipation: vinyl : Rumours Aja Hotel Cslifornia Others
Wants: Respect and gratitiude. Energy. Health. Confidence and drive.

This is the first time I've touched my MacBook Air since last Saturday. It's been a refreshing week and break. Catalina, Two Harbors in particular, was restful. It had it's share of highs and lows but far more good than bad, including highlights include a 5hr stretch on a beach reading and sleeping, seeing a few of the Catalina foxes up close, a couple of great hikes, and ample time just resting in a way I've not done for some time. I'm grateful to have a close friend in Mark, who I've known since the kids were in grade school, and to have his son and mine be close friends as well. We reflected on how some day in their future they might each have children and return with them to Two Harbors with them. I am grateful to return home and plan to focus on some critical needs tomorrow. I've been listening to the Elon Musk biography while reading the book "Storms" about Lindsey Buckingham and Fleetwood Mac during the mid-70's - 80's. It'll be nice to be back in our bed again, with Jen and the dog, both of who I missed and only one of who appears to have missed me back. Maybe two, as having the house to herself was a welcome break, I'm sure. :-D

Warm Cookies & A Fire

It is hard to imagine a more fitting conclusion to day 1 of a vacation than a warm fire and a cookie. That's where I'm at. The Banning House on Two Harbors, in the common room with a fire I started. Tommy, Vinny and Mark are heading back to the room while I listen to the awesome Nick Cave soundtrack to "Hell or High Water" and write. 
This is my 4th trip here in 9 months. It will likely be my last for a while.

When I came here with Tommy in February, we were at significant odds. So much changed on that first trip. And although there's room for improvement, a lot changed for the better.

A relatively smooth seamless transition from the airport to the Catalina shuttle, to Two Harbors. I long but relaxing wait for the room to open up. Lunch and lazing were sufficient distractions for all. Checked in, enjoyed wine, cheese, chatting with Jennifer and Marilyn (Livermore daughter, Baltimore Mom) and then dinner (Bacon Jam Burgers). Ending hte evening fireside in the common room of the Banning House. Nice relaxing time. Piano is from another century and was likely last tuned then too. Hoping to have some clear starlit skies. I've 4 nights for that to happen.

Mindset: groggy and conflicted - angry that Tommy wasn't ready at 4am yet we made the flight with plenty of time and ultimately it'll be his lesson if/when he finds himself missing something he should have packed. I'm not rescuing him. No lawn mowing here. We got into delta lounge and filled the to go container I brought in anticipation of doing so. Breakfast for four. A smooth flight (so far) and ample time once we landed to get to the ferry. 3:45 am was hard. I anticipate getting some sleep once we are on the ferry and then at two harbors.
Goals: just be. Be present. Be flexible. Be resolved.
Anticipation: nothing but in a good way.
Wants: Tommy to mature. Me to use this time to connect to silence and nature

A pleasant morning, a trip to the nursery including a call while there from my mom asking if we could pickup and drop off some potting soil…. without knowing we were there in the first place. Stalker? Returned and set out starting points. Enjoyed pulling together all of the kindle content for the Two Harbors trip tomorrow. Audio too. Packed and ready to go, which will be early as f*@k… 4am departure to SFO. Ended the evening watching the Frontline documentary on Aging. Stark and sobering. Really hoping I can use the time I have left to bring more awareness, consideration and options. But I also need to lighten the fuck up too. I'm expecting a few days on an island without internet will help. Changes in Lattitude = Changes in Attitude, right?

Jen went to Sac to see friends, parents and Lauren. Parents cancelled but she's not taking it personally, more circumstantial/timing. I made dog food in her absence after filling the car and cleaning the windows for the drive as a gesture of consideration and love. It's the little things. I did some Two Harbors research and prep work, laundry, plant watering, and scattered clearing/cleaning. It was a productive day. I particularly enjoyed some of the plant related tasks as it's therapeutic, and I had some good 'bonding' time with both dogs. I'm finally warming up to Lucky. :-D

A butterfly at the nursery where we picked up plants for the front

A really broad and experiential day. Such a range of emotions too. I feel like I've come so far while not moving at all. I don't quite know how else to say it but I've grown yet remain constrained. I had an issue this morning having lost my 'murse' and knowing damned well it had to be in the house. 20 min of searching and it appeared behind a sofa cushion. I was so proud of not losing my patience or berating myself, but it was a consious effort to subdue a subconscious impulse. And it continued throughout the day with assorted situations of interruption and expectations to solve issues, mostly from myself. E dropped off the cat pillows to my mom, and she liked them. I fixed her duplicate amazon account issue. I attended to MetLife and EDD related needs with hopeful apparent success. Yet I was 'challenged' by the soap dispenser, the side gate, and other fixes that I took as interruptions nad inconveniences while missing the more subtle aspects of value and a sense of capability and dependability. Not everything that appears a burden, is. It's simple is what's happening. Tommy got his 3rd speeding ticket. I am hoping it resonates. DCG with geeks for dinner (Thank you Brian, so generous) was great. A really enjoyable night and hours of conversation. So much was said yet so much remains unspoken and there's scenarios at play that i'm watching from a BT;DT position but… I also lamented choices and will always wonder where 'the other road' would have ended. Would it be 'better' or just 'different'? Maybe less time analyzing and moire time being fully engaged is the better option. Anyway, decades of constant contact and connections have made this foursome a treasured experience. It's in some ways one of the most substantial influences of the past few decades. And I'm not just saying that because they're reading this. Once home, after giving the dogs a bit of left overs, Lauren called Jen about coordinating dinner tomorrow while Jen's up Sacramento way. Lauren called Jen, not me. Jen. We didn't talk at all. I love that. It's heartwarming that she has her own independent desire to connect with Jen. It's really one of the most rewarding aspects of all the conflict that came before on this path with them both finding an intimate rapport that's not about replacement, but completely independent and genuine. I'm so grateful for all of this. I have a draft to post elsewhere related to this, but, yeah, what a gift, for all of us. It's worth recognizing as if it's gone already, because it will be, so why behave otherwise?

Mindset: Positive. Reflectively introspection, awareness and acknowledgement of how the severity of struggles I've downplayed or denied.
Goals: several errands with Jen (moms, nursery, groceries). Continue Exitidy site work with a goal to have something final in full by EOM and then supporting printed material in hand early Oct.
Anticipation: Giving my mom the cat pillows.
Wants: constant calm conscious comfort with constrained control of chaos

Breakfast w/Tommy at LGCafe. I triaged and addressed the use of my gmail and name for a gambling site and still wonder about the correlation to recent gambling related topics in the house. Such an awkward place to be. I walked to coffee with JS and enjoyed the social contact and exchange. Later in the afternoon i went walking with Dom in LG and we did 4 miles and serious ascents too. It was great and helping me prep for Catalina next week.

An addition to our select collection of personal art - A hand-tinted Carl Bergren

Returned from WA trip last night. Went to Jikoji this am. Just Gerow, Nick, and Marie (camping, former resident). It was a good Zazen but I was struggling with lots of thoughts trying to shout and wave their arms wildly. So entitled. But it's my fault, I should have raised them better. Took care of a few Jikoji related tasks, fixed some Exitidy site issues, more to do tomorrow. Jen and I visited my mom who's doing well. Helped her with a few things, more to do later this week. Tommy has been asking about a TV in the garage for him to watch movies/sports as a 'man cave' and as against the idea of a TV in the house as I can be, I'm surprisingly open to the idea. I just want to know in advance how/where and impact if any on my limited needs of the space. I got some kind compliments from deepbows on my writing – I hope it helps me get more visibility.

 

Good day in Leavenworth. Enjoying the vacation.

Wow. I'm in Leavenworth, after some ~30 years have passed. This was a place i had visited multiple times in my 30's and returning is deja vu riddled. The photo is Matt's parents home with the "sleeping lady" (mountain range) in the background. It's so good to see these friends and extended family again. I'm going to make the most of the next few days. It's not often I get such an opportunity. I'm glad I left the laptop at home. And the night sky is almost as amazing as the night at Pine Mountain lake with Lauren. I seldom get to see the Milky Way so clearly and densely. Again… wow.

Mindset: Slightly tense 'cause I'm riding shotgun with Tommy driving us to SFO in our BMW. Looking forward to Delta lounge as a relaxing start to our 5 day trip. What a journey this past few years have been. Had to believe so many things, "magic and tragic", occurred. But that's "what is".
Goals: survive this ride :-/

Costco run in the am to swap yogurt was a breeze. Scottie's visit to Dr Eric went well, even with his panting and anxiety. Dental work is on the horizon, we're waiting on estimations and will do what we need to. It's Scottie. 'Nuff said. BIG fab meeting was interesting but rather Euro-centric in this case. www.exitidy.com is almost ready to 'launch'. I have copy to write and further work regarding content creation, but it's 80% there. I'm pleased with it. Jen had an interesting call with Dan, former boss at Intel, and there may be some opportunities to consider on the horizon. More in a few weeks. We're all packed for the flight tomorrow. I'm leaving the MacBook & Watch, taking my phone and Remarkable 2. It'll be a good way to hopefully focus and detech. I may just relax a bit. I'm grateful for the progress and the fact that there's an owl in a neighbor's tree that's been hooting nightly for the last few days if not longer. Very grounding. Who knew? ;-)

Mindset: late but better than never. Mindset was continued anxiousness. I've been "off" for a few days while I recognize it as being more in old habits. Daily practices of reflection and introspection do really set the stage for each day. A few days off pattern is like missing workouts. Not following patterns can become habit forming in an off itself.
Goals: stay positive.
Anticipation: Leavenworth tomorrow
Wants: to maintain my focus on this trip re healthy actions habits and intentions.

I downloaded and started reading this book. It's pretty inspiring. Yes, it's edited and curated, so it has a viewpoint, but regardless of any inherent bias, the book's a wonderful inspirational read.

The title, "Make Something Wonderful", hits a personal chord. One of my many 'daily reminders' reads, "Go make something good." It can be interpreted in various ways, but I tend to skew towards "go make something better.. for others, my family, myself, the world, etc.

A mixed day. Jen pulled her back, which sucks. AM online Zazen with Deepbows went ok, but I have to be more focused next time. I spent more time on exitidy – working on a business card so I have something for the November conference in LA. I made progress on the site but it's still not quite there. BIG call went well – got my certifications and such and tomorrow is the "FAB" group monthly which I hope in inspiring. F'd up on a Costco run - got the wrong yogurt. I was pissed at myself for it, unreasonably. That's old scripts and unhealthy legacy thinking creeping in. I think it's time for a vacation but also time for new tires. Funding 2024 is increasing as a priority.

Mindset: Mild apprehension. I have just two days before our Washington (state) trip. It's an inconvenient opportunity. I want it, I just want it to be authentic. I should be looking forward to relaxing and being present without feeling a need to mange or control. 
Goals: Rework the website - more images, fewer words.
Anticipation: BIG call for final steps.
Wants: To expect and appreciate the unexpected.

Early rise and Jikoji run – good Zazen. Stuck around and drank coffee and chatted with folks. Bryan's out and, of all things, brought up an existing open line of dialog with a very VERY strong connection to LPJ, my fundraising target. I'm pressing for an introduction. Handed off the iPad and folks were grateful and excited as I am to hopefully see an end to poorly handwritten email signup forms. Amanda and Charles were there and he/I talked about EOLP for his mom which I hope to facilitate after Catalina. Jen returned with no voice as is the routine for her given the screaming on the rides. The dogs are settled again. Whew. Worked more on the website and have it 'good enough' for the moment, BUT it's too damned 'formal'. It's not 'me' talking, it 's me talking like a mortician. Not my style and it's going to get a rewrite tomorrow. I have to do this my way if it's going to be a success, and natural.

"… She's coming back. I know she's coming back." 

A good full day. LGCafe breakfast with Tommy…. counter seats! Came home to find Lucky had somehow taken Tommy's retain to the back yard. Undamaged but WTF dog?!? Seriously? Worked on final refinements to the iPad for Jikoji. Jen's moms is next. Enjoyed some vinyl. Lazed on the patio. Tommy brought home some BBQ. I revised Exitidy but it's too wordy. I need to change it. Good progress on messaging, but minimal from a design perspective. It's a work in progress. I already have a few ideas brewing.

Mindset: Cautiously optimistic. I use that term often. I vacillate between feeling complete certainty that our road ahead will be managed, smooth, and successful while just feeling anxious about the unknown and risks of stepping outside of conventions and comfort zones. Letting go and trusting has worked well so far, but decades of the opposite have instilled a subconscious reflex. This all sounds familiar. I've likely written it before, which validates its recurrence.
Goals: LOTS of time on Exitidy tasks for the day.
Anticipation: Ending the day with the site ready for business.
Wants: To continue well-focused efforts into the week and then to be able to relax and enjoy the upcoming Leavenworth trip. To be aggressively present and genuine while they're including recognizing that it might be the last time I am in the presence of some. I've not seen a few of these people in person for over 20 years, and I want to honor and appreciate that I get to again.

Jen left for Disneyland this am and of course, Scottie was off all day. His attachment to her borders on unhealthily, as does ours all. I stumbled across a CL post for an Estate sale in the Saratoga footlhills listing records and followed my impulse to go check it out. It was a very large and spacious luxury home and I did find a few records worth grabbing, amongst them, Toledo Window Box. I listened and I was transported back to my youth when I would listen to it over and over. I've not head it for decades but recalled lines in real time as they were spoken. Indelible indeed. I worked on the Jikoji iPad for HOURS trying to resolve issues related to the AppleID being disabled and then a loop in the attempt to download apps cycling through and rejecting login. I resorted to support twice and 5 agents later it got resolved via an obscure "media and purchase" step to work around the blockade. I was so frustrated but did well managing it and keeping perspective. A curse word or two prevented the destruction of the device. I cleared the alcohol cabinet out completely, removing all but the wine we have, in an effort to make space where we keep things we simply don't use. It went to Matt, Steve, Mark/Lynn's as did I for dinner. It was pleasant but Jen's absence was a disappointment to all. I felt good managing my food intake and abstained in full from alcohol, a break I will write more about elsewhere. I ended the night trying a relaxing sleep aid product Tommy had success with. It worked well, I got groggy.

A good start to the day as conveyed earlier. Got the iPad ser up then the "AppleID" stopped working. Triaged for hours to no avail. Actually contacted support who sai "a decision will be made able enabling it within 24 hours and you'll be notified with no option to appeal"?!?!? WTF Nazi much? Idiotic and unnecessary. Blew all the time spent setting it up. Really annoying. Hard test of letting go - just absurd. La Fondue with the Hills. Absurdly expensive and apathetic service. I'll never go there again. It was their desire and they felt the same.

Mindset: Groggy confidence – another night up until 2 AM, to the point of reading instead of ruminating. Up at 6.30, so minimal sleep. AM routine followed, though, including an overdue shave and a haircut. Jumped on the morning momentum and tackled the need to clean and clear cobwebs and crap on the back patio. Jen joined in.
Goals: Avoid napping and focus on exitidy and writing plans.
Anticipation: Visiting with Steve & Diana tonight.
Wants: Continued action moving the ball forward on parallel goals.

Better. Yeah, much better. AM walk, water, sunlight and focused effort throughout the day. I got a lot done including writing a 1st draft of an article I submitted for review and hopefully publication. I'm proud of it. Jen loved it, too, which was really validating to hear, as she was sincere about that. I feel a sense of accomplishment and encouragement - the two ment's. I want to stay in 'action' mode and continue with the next tasks tomorrow. More writing, more business tasks, more momentum. "Mormentum" :-)

Mindset: I couldn't sleep last night. Second night in a row that it's been difficult, and yet earlier nights were far better. I think it's part mental activity and part diet and routine. Jen and I went out to celebrate our mutual accomplishments with a nice glass of wine and some snacks last night. Yesterday's routine was a little out of step. I want to get back on it today. I did sleep in late and I needed it.
Goals: return to the routines that work for me on a daily basis. I'm not going to be fixated on the time I got up as much as getting up and getting sunlight because the time is changing. I want to try following a natural rhythm for waking and sleeping. That's the hard part. Sleeping. I'm not going to bed on time. Which all boils down to priorities and what I take on and focus on and how much I attempt accomplishing in a given day.
Anticipation: a full day of focus.
Wants: I want to get my website ready and start taking on clients. I am almost there. And I want to plan the workshop at Jikoji, but I want to be clear about the focus of the conversation and what I will bring to the table so I want to finesse that a bit.

"This guy!"

It was a good day. Far less 'milestone markers' crossed today that yesterday but it's all cumulative. I had breakfast with Tommy and it was fine but I think it's a bad routine for me to eat that early any more. The am waking routine, sunlight, water, delayed coffee and even more delayed eating feels healthier. I wanted to just crawl back into bed after I got home. I spent a good deal of time on some jikoji/checkfront related triaging and such. It's a moving target and a knotted ball of hair with bubblegum in it, but it's slowly getting refined and refactored. And each effort to do so teaches me something new and something breaks. So, we'll see. I transcribed and sent the fundraiser notes out and got a number of other things addressed but not as much focus on exitidy as desired or needed. I'm going to continue working on the article I want to write, though, tonight, as soon as I can wrap up for the night and go write. I have a need to refine routines to make that more of a constant habit. Not journalling but really writing - things of substance. It's a part of the goals I want to pursue with whatever time I have left. I'm grateful for this year, the changes, the insights, the friendships, the priorities and the fact that even 'failures' are successes as far as effort and opportunities go. I'm still wondering what the next big distraction/drama will be. The more I consider it an inevitability the less I expect to be thrown by it. I used to tell Linda that nothing she always worried about would be what blindsided her, so maybe not worrying about anything will help put the blindside into context. It just "is". More to come. Seemingly.

Mindset: comfortable confidence - I have options and opportunities to spend the time I have left sustaining a revenue stream doing things I find fulfilling. I'm good enough I'm smart enough and dog gone it…. Yeah that. It happened last night after journaling but Jen passed her training certification tests too. All three! We both achieved our goals simultaneously. On the same day. How amazing and yet how fitting.
Goals: A continuation of yesterday in all possible ways - keeping focused. Being a jet stream and not a wide spray. Exitidy work to line up marketing.
Anticipation: Completing draft one of the jikoji article.
Wants: to maintain inspiration through the satisfaction of creating and accomplishing.

This has been a pretty substantial day for me. Several tasks I've been woring on came to completion while other opportunities opened up. I skip these entries on occassion and not typically because I've nothign to sat I don't make the time. But this is worth capturing as an historical turning point in my life. Maybe "turning" is too dramatic. Curving? No. Veering. Yes, Veering. An historical veering point in my life. Why? Well, I got up a tad fuzzy (Stellar time with friends and wine last night. The wine won.) yet still determined to take a stand by standing all day while getting things done. And I did. I cleared clutter in the bedroom and makeshift office (an open closet with a standing desk). I put away and threw away assorted items. I crafted and sent a very well written email to Jikoji championing more conscious attention to the concept of "Right Speech". I had a call with a retired fundraising professional who gave me some exciting ideas to consider that could be within reach. I finally refined and sent my reply to an old friend who reached out to reconnet, which was quite a challenging thing to do that I may write more in depth about that elsewhere. Suffice to say that I'm so happy with everything about my life right now that I don't know if opening that door might take my eyes off of the most critical needs of my time – writing and building up exitidy. And (drumroll) the other big thing is a "BIG" certification. My final work, a 30 min recording of me facilitating an EOL planning dialog, was well received. I had very positive and enthusiastic feedback. With this complete, my time and motivation are both increased. I'm also inspired by so many passing moments that further resonate for me as validations that I'm consiously living a really wonderful life. What'd I say earlier, to myself, in the garage, while considering when I'll go? Oh, right, "Sooner or later but hopefully later."

Mindset: relaxed determination. Focused on spending the day "clearing paths" and eliminating distractions in both thought and home.
Goals: listen to select audio content while working through the house to aggressively minimize. Move onto digital declutter next.
Anticipation: Fund raising call.
Wants: A sense of excitement every morning and a sense of accomplishment every night.

Mindset: soft-focused. Looking at a few fuzzy paths on the horizon and trying to decide en route which to take.
Goals: a relaxing day.
Anticipation: BBQ outing with friends.
Wants: harmony in all things internally processed.

It was misty this morning. Drizzly, briefly. But even with the temperature slated to ride this week it's foreshadowing the fall as is the later sunrise. My SAd light is now in use for my waking needs and it works well. Only the dogs response too. I went to Jikoji and really enjoyed the Sunday Program. I'm returning tomorrow morning for the 7am sit and the weekly meeting. Jen and I made a Costco run so she could get supplies for week two of meals for our friend with back issues. Of course I will expect some of the excess. I worked on other stuff in the pm but the week ahead will be aggressively about the business prep. I should hear from BIG next week and I have a list of tasks to tackle next so I can start practicing. I got this!

Mindset: fragmented consciousness- knowing I need to take action(s) and continue to extend beyond my comfort zone while hesitating and delaying the inevitable.
Goals: Reach further and trust nature.
Anticipation: Getting a Newhall & wide angle zendo views.
Wants: allowing less time to be enough time.

Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic. But I had a good life all the way.

A pretty active day spent clearing and cleaning in the garage, dropping off a power charger to JS at Good Sam before visiting my mom with Jen, and a wonderful evening with Mark and Wendy at The Wine Cellar before getting to hear some great early jazz tunes being performed at LG Roasting in a very "Woody-esque" manner, capping a day spent in numerous ways in thought or discussion about morality and the gift of being present and grateful for something as simple as a song being sung or helping a friend.

Mindset: Livid. Lucky pee'd on Tommy's bed. I'm furious about it. He has no excuse. As far as I'm concerned he's now an outside dog but that introduces complexity with Scottie's access in/out at will. In the realm of life it's as insignificant as can be and yet my only response is to want him gone, simply because I don't want the added hassle and complexity. Not that he will be, I'm just irritated by the nature of the situation. But I do think being put outside isn't necessarily a bad thing at least when we are away. And it's always Tommy's bed so what's that about?
Goals: Return to my moms to put things back in the entryway. Lauren's tire: patch or replace. A "cleansing" fast for the day. Tidy up scattered things around the house.
Anticipation: The Wine Cellar dinner with Mark and Wendy.
Wants: To better utilize my time daily. To maintain a sense of order in all I do.

Mindset: Quietly curious about what experiences the day will bring.
Goals: Put Moms fridge back in place. Get Lauren's tire patched, hopefully. Jikoji newsletter. Exitidy flowchart.
Anticipation: Maybe a stretch of focused reading for a change?