This is my 4th trip here in 9 months. It will likely be my last for a while.
When I came here with Tommy in February, we were at significant odds. So much changed on that first trip. And although there's room for improvement, a lot changed for the better.
In looking back, even today, I shrug off my complete disbelief at what I consider his complete disregard for me in how he talks and responds. It's still brutal and heartbreaking to reflect on his part, to discount, disrespect and "dis" whatever I say or do. I have had it let go of caring, and that's been challenging. Boulder helped. A lot. It made me realize that I can do nothing to change the past or influence the future without first being present and managing my reactions and tolerance.
This is all old news and has been stated before. Now however, I feel like there's enough hope that in time, perhaps during my living years, but more likely not, he'll mature enough to recognize me as somebody who comprised and sacrificed extensively out of love and good intentions for him, his sister, even his mom.
The simple truth is I'm an awesome person. And humble. But more awesome than humble. I care deeply about him and others. I walk softly when he's sleeping, for example, and I get up early to prevent the dogs' chaos. I try to leave the door unlocked for him when he's out late, to give him input or advice, and to even patiently remind him at 20 that flushing toilets is a good habit to engrain.
I think it's time to step back from travel for numerous reasons. Finance, for one, the need to focus on my business and the somewhat painful but necessary need to promote him being more independent. Being more comfortable traveling alone or with friends and not with his aging parent.
I like to imagine that each suggestion is rooted in a deeply sequestered desire to spend time with me while he can. To somehow try and undo the damage of the last few years. And from his point perhaps to accept and forgive me for the pain he feels about the divorce and the years between my living elsewhere and our living together. There's so much that comes from subtle comments that are clearly rooted in a feeling of abandonment.
Only from my own experience and heartfelt intentions can I see the error of that assumption. It'll be decades before he sides, if ever.
Meanwhile, we have mended enough to warrant this outing, one focused on transitions in my mind. Including others, changing venues, and independent activities while still being here together.
He'll never understand how much I regret the negatives of the past 10 years, just as he won't understand the survival it provided me to get out. His mom's death will haunt me for a lifetime, as will his own experiences and struggles reconciling that. Had I stayed who knows what would have been better, but something else would have been worse. It's simply speculation.
The fire has gone out. Embers remain hot and ready to spark. It's time to let them cool.
This is all old news and has been stated before. Now however, I feel like there's enough hope that in time, perhaps during my living years, but more likely not, he'll mature enough to recognize me as somebody who comprised and sacrificed extensively out of love and good intentions for him, his sister, even his mom.
The simple truth is I'm an awesome person. And humble. But more awesome than humble. I care deeply about him and others. I walk softly when he's sleeping, for example, and I get up early to prevent the dogs' chaos. I try to leave the door unlocked for him when he's out late, to give him input or advice, and to even patiently remind him at 20 that flushing toilets is a good habit to engrain.
I think it's time to step back from travel for numerous reasons. Finance, for one, the need to focus on my business and the somewhat painful but necessary need to promote him being more independent. Being more comfortable traveling alone or with friends and not with his aging parent.
I like to imagine that each suggestion is rooted in a deeply sequestered desire to spend time with me while he can. To somehow try and undo the damage of the last few years. And from his point perhaps to accept and forgive me for the pain he feels about the divorce and the years between my living elsewhere and our living together. There's so much that comes from subtle comments that are clearly rooted in a feeling of abandonment.
Only from my own experience and heartfelt intentions can I see the error of that assumption. It'll be decades before he sides, if ever.
Meanwhile, we have mended enough to warrant this outing, one focused on transitions in my mind. Including others, changing venues, and independent activities while still being here together.
He'll never understand how much I regret the negatives of the past 10 years, just as he won't understand the survival it provided me to get out. His mom's death will haunt me for a lifetime, as will his own experiences and struggles reconciling that. Had I stayed who knows what would have been better, but something else would have been worse. It's simply speculation.
The fire has gone out. Embers remain hot and ready to spark. It's time to let them cool.