Highlights: It's been a relatively calm and routine couple of days, which has been appreciated. I had a good lunch with Marlin on Wednesday and talked frankly about the workload struggles. He had some excellent feedback and suggestions. But my meeting walking through ideas on improving engineering estimations and predictably went south, so I went back to the drawing board. I slept well last night and the prior night too. I've been 'logging' sleep quality in the CALM app in the mornings, and it was a welcome change to log something positive. My neck issues continue to subside, ever so gradually. Looking left still, brings some pain, but increasingly less, which as a statement seems wrong… increasingly less? Is that even possible? Anyway. I had a good chat with my mom last night to touch base and catch up. She's doing well, and we'll see her for Dinner on Friday (Lauren/Tommy/I). I spent the past couple of nights playing some records and sitting on the living room couch with a cup of tea on my right and Scottie on my left. Jen's sent some beautiful photos from Italy, but the best was a series of 3 sent by Jon today that completely capture her animated and playful spirit. It made me smile with gratitude that she's in all of our lives. I picked up a few additions to my record collection today while attempting to find a home for the surplus set. I'm not doing any further "impulse purchases," but I'm still watching for those final few gems. Lauren comes down tomorrow through Sunday. Along with taking Aqui to my mom's with them Friday, I made reservations for lunch at a Brazilian place I've wanted to try, just as an option she'd like. Tommy might too. We'll see how the weekend pans out. Tommy's been throwing up frequently lately, and although I initially thought it was chocolate-related, it seems to be something else. I want him to see Dr. Trager tomorrow and start some initial exams to see if they can isolate a root cause. It's always a delicate balancing act to not go full-tilt anxious over stuff that usually has a simple rational explanation, but that's not how his childhood was. I have been working to introduce more logic and understanding over fear and stress. Stress could be a component for him, but I don't know if he'll share that. I'll try to raise it tomorrow.
⚖️: 167.8 (-1.6) (7d avg: 169.91) | 👣: 4123 | ❤️: 64 | 🧘: 10:34

Found a pine-cone flower in the backyard | Deodorant lasted 7.5 months…

Highlights: A good 2nd day on the path to reviving atomic habits that have waned. The 'SAD' light is waking me naturally, and the dogs see that I'm out of bed and feeding them promptly. My routine has had to adapt to Jen's absence and their persistence, but it's a minor shift in the sequence of events. They're getting used to the routine now: a brief backyard bathroom stop (for them, following my inside visit and weigh-in first), then their breakfast. That's now become as habitual as can be. Once fed, I'm working in my am routines, including a ~10 min meditation before walking Scottie and occasionally lucky for a short follow-up, but he's still sketchy. I've found a few podcasts, and I've been trying to ensure things are set up to have them avail on my watch so I can leave the phone at home, but it's not as automatic as I'd like it to be. Whatever. 1st a world issue, right? And the watch streams podcasts over cellular, so I have options. Work was good, and the podcast I listened to this am (below) was inspirational. Inspiration is surfacing a lot for me, either out of wanting or good circumstances. On the walk this AM, I witnessed a father walking his young son to school, likely to Alta Vista, as I did my kids some 10+ years ago. The kid was chattering away, and it reminded me of so many walks or drives with Tommy constantly asking questions about anything and everything. It made me remember that even with so much conflict and tension, I love him and did do the best I could under the circumstances to be the best parent I could. I do wish I could do it over; I'd change a lot, for sure, about his home and environment and influences and modeling. If my dad were alive today, he would likely say the same as his father. Hindsight is timeless. While looking back might not change the past, it can inform the present and influence the future. So it was with that in mind that I bailed on a chance to see the Doobie Bros play cards with the Big Dogs & then I went to watch Tommy's 1st swim match. Only the response I got when I arrived and surprised him indicated a mix of sincere gratitude and apprehension. I recognized it immediately as I had experienced the same when my father would be present at competitions. It could be complicated and intimidating, and distracting. I told him directly, with a smile, I would understand if he wanted me to come another time, and he kindly relayed as much. I talked to Jen briefly earlier today and Lauren a couple of times. I even sent Lauren a podcast I was listening to that I thought would help her and her roommate work out some differences in their understanding. This week I finally hit bottom on the speed stick test I initiated on 2/2/22. 7.5+ months later, with consistent daily use, it finally ran out. How'd I make it last that long, you ask? Simple. It occurred in February that there must be a reason for that clear plastic insert left on the top. It prevents the product from evaporating during post-production warehousing, shipping, and storage. It's a water-based product. It will dissipate with air exposure. I figured I'd see how long it would last if I put that cap back on every day instead of tossing it in the trash on day one. Used daily, capped daily, 236 days later, I've had to open a new one. I will leave this recent one open and compare the two results once it runs out to see the science.

⚖️: 169.4 (-2.4) (7d avg: 170.23) | 👣: 3034 | ❤️: 57 | 🧘: 8:36

2023.02.16 – update... the Speed Stick test concluded and... to my surprise... they dissapated at the same rate.

Taking Control of Your Time

Wow! This is so damn good. And timely, too. Every once in a while "the universe" seems to throw something at my feet just when I need it.

Taking Control of Your Time
Hidden Brain

Many of us feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. We struggle to make time for all the competing demands at work and at home, and inevitably feel like we're letting someone down. But what if there were a way to reclaim our time and, as a result, get more joy out of our lives? This week, psychologist Cassie Mogilner Holmes explains how we've fallen victim to the illusion of time scarcity, and what we can do to spend our time more wisely.

Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000580713980

MLIM – Crime of the Century

 I added this specific release to my collection of personally-significant records today, and I want to post this brief backstory for posterity. It might be the first of many posts following through on my long-held intention to document just what it is and/or was about a specific selection of music and a time in my life that resonates deeply within me to this very day. I’ve always felt a strong connection to music over the decades, as I suspect most of us do, particularly how we each have select moments and memories that frequently align with select notes and chords. I’ll call this series “My Life, In Music".

Crime of the Century

If memory serves me well, It was around 1978 when I first became aware of the “Mobile Fidelity Sound Labs” half-speed mastering of landmark albums. I was frequenting a record store, “The Satisfied Ear”, within walking distance of our home in Cupertino, gradually amassing a music collection, when I determined it was time to buy a new record player. I visited a nearby stereo shop across the street and up a couple of blocks along what was then called “highway 9” and is now called DeAnza Blvd. My bulky faux-woodgrain-sided “SoundDesign” unit was obsolete. and I was brought into the new decade with a pristine black and metal “Onkyo” turntable with a clear hinged lid.

After the salesman talked me into that relatively expensive purchase, he also pressed me on the importance of the quality of the recorded media, particularly these specific products. It was an upsell. At the time, I was skeptical, and when looking at the options and seeing this particular Supertramp release, I replied regarding preferring Breakfast in America because that was popular at the time. “Logical Song” was a top 40 hit on heavy rotation.  I’d not even listened to “Crime” at that point. I think I knew of “Dreamer,” but only based on ancillary exposure through historical radio play and nothing more.

The salesman’s response was impactful and, I believe to this day, sincere. He shifted from pressured sales mode to artistic appreciation mode. He scoffed at the more commercial nature of the “Breakfast” release, emphasizing with passion and intensity I believe he felt about the brilliant if not a genius breadth of writing and musicianship, from start to finish, that made up “Crime.” He referred to it as a masterpiece, with conviction. 

He convinced me, and I tacked it onto the purchase. At over three times the price of a standard album, some $30 if I recall, I felt a bit of pressure and resentment on the way out. When I arrived back at my parent's home, I connected the new turntable in my bedroom, carefully sliced open the sleeve to retain the shrink-wrap as I was prone to do, placed the vinyl on the new platter smelling of freshly opened rubber, pushed the start button, watched as the arm moved into position and as the needle lowered into the grove, and simultaneously leaned forward and back at once as the journey unfolded before my ears.

It was a breathtaking experience I remember to this day, as was each subsequent replaying over the coming weeks. I admittedly wrestled with the fact that there was nothing I “knew” as far as “hits” go while being pulled into the meticulous sonic layers and mastery of timing, tempo, and temperance that still sweeps me away like only a handful of recordings, leaving me in awe when the final note of the last tack arrives. The silence that follows the end of such a record as this is a sacred place of complete immersion and appreciation. The sonics of the half-speed master aside, the quality was richly woven into the work itself. Although there’s little commercial presence, the writing and playing and, in particular, the recording and engineering are on par with Pet Sounds, Pepper, Dark Side and more. There’s neither a wasted nor excessive note in the entire set of songs.

When I transitioned from LPs to CDs, this was amongst the first purchases. It’s one I’ve raved about and loaned out (and even repurchased after some damage occurred on at least one of the loans). It’s also something that, perhaps the exception of “Rudy” on a mountain drive, mandates playing from start to finish, opening and closing with an echoed bookended build-up and wind down. This record opened me up to a level of sound, overlayed with balanced instruments and notes, as nothing had before. It was a key lesson that I remain grateful to that sales clerk for. I don’t know that I would have come to find this otherwise. Perhaps I would have through another avenue, but perhaps not, and what a crime that would have been.

"Thunderbolt courtesy of God."  Oh, how often I held these covers and read those words in my teen years.

Highlights: a relatively decent sleep as far as such things go of late. One or two "bio-wakes" (a bio-break in the middle of the night), and I was awake and rising within minutes of the 6.30 alarm. I stuck to my plan to start the week with a return to standard routines, including squats and pushups and even had a welcome and effective 10min meditation before taking the dog out for a walk. I showered and shaved for the day and dove into work. I had a good counseling session mid-day and was given some guidance on how to work towards putting some stepping stones in place as I work towards getting more boundaries reinforced with Tommy. Easing into it makes more sense; the whole "all or nothing" 100% hardline just doesn't work and I need to phase things in. I have issues with all of this stuff, and frankly, it's exactly how I ended up in the marriage I was in that was so dramatically difficult to remove myself from. And like her, I don't know that he'll ever see beyond the unmet expectations and entitlement. Jen's having continued good times in Italy and enjoying the chance to experience this independently. I champion that for her. She can come back and share all she's learned and found with our friends and me next week, and maybe on our Paso trip to follow too. I found and quickly ran out and bought a replacement for Lauren's recently lost (as sea no less) iPhone 12 mini. She's coming down Friday, so we'll get her migrated back over before the older iPhone 7 continues to overheat and die quickly. I'm managing my 'task lists' and focusing on key priorities. Sort of "Eat the Frog" meets "The One Thing" as far as productivity books go. I've dropped having no more than 5 P1 to-do tasks/day and no more than 10 P1s unscheduled. Everything else simply waits for the others to get done first. I'm also looking to restart and subscribe to a few key Podcasts that are brief and concise and related to "QOL" topics. Oh, and although I have truly stopped obsessing about amassing more vinyl, I still have a few treasures I'm mindfully seeking that have specific import and meaning and today I was fortunate enough to pick up two from a CL post I saw last night. For a great deal, too. And it's inspiring me to start writing about the background and reasons each has the meaning it does. It'll be a fun creative outlet. I'm excited about the idea.

The "Billy Joel" tribute Sat night was OK, but I was less into it than I was for the prior tribute band (Dark Side of the Moon). I enjoyed the time with Matt B and Jess G over the music. It was funny too that as two venue-crew members wrestled for quite some time trying to re-ignite the firepit in the VIP section where we were sitting, the band played "We Didn't Start The Fire." I could not have anticipated that, but… it happened. I was thinking on the way home how cool it's been over the past months to start 'crossing boundaries' between friendships. For some reason, the various sets of friends I have always seemed 'isolated' or ' self-contained,' yet mixing them up has been rewarding and enriching. Common threads crossed paths, and mutual experiences have surfaced. I'll be doing that more. What I won't be doing is drinking, though. I enjoyed a few glasses of wine, then threw a whiskey in, and my night was unpleasant. Booze isn't 'working for me lately; it's causing more pain than pleasure. I got up early, and even though I felt fuzzy, I dove into cleaning the gutters. Finally. My God, what a task. But I put on SXM and listened to Casey Kasem's American Top 40 from 1975, and it was like I was back at my parent's hours "putting in my 4hrs of weekly yard work. The gutters because a 'thread to pull on and find numerous other additional needs to address. I did get some gutter guards (after a friendly chat with Bill Smith at Home Depot) and started putting them in, which I wanted to do when I lived here previously but never did. I got some simple ones for starters, and I have more to do, but we'll see how it goes. Anything is better than pulling out what amounts to two full-paint buckets of sludge and crap. Not to mention the roots I found in a walkway drain. Like I said…. Pulling threads undoes more than you expect. I met with Matt B, Matt P, Brian and Samantha for Breakfast at Jack Holders. Given one of their health issues in recent years, I was surprised and bothered by what was being consumed, but I also appreciated how much better they're doing now than before. I can't force my expectations on them, so I just let it ride and took the good for what it is. Good. I talked to Jen for a while in the early afternoon/her evening, and she shared more fun stories about their adventures and photos. She's having a great time, and I'm glad she's getting to experience this. It's giving us some inspiration.

Shatnered Expectations

Why, when I hear "Rocket Man" being by Elton John, must my mind eventually gravitate to Wiliam Shatner's version?

Highlights: Jen left for Italy early Friday am. I returned, and en route, Tommy called and wanted to have breakfast. We did; we went to LG Cafe. It's been a difficult couple of days, frankly. I am trying to balance intent, ignorance and disdain, and the hope that something will change for the better in time. I don't know that I have that time. Work issues arose with Randy and later with Marlin making me think I need to get on top of some expectations and deliverables. I'm burnt out. I had a sleepless night. The stress and pressures are negatives, and I need to reclaim some degree of focus and sanity, which brings me to the whole "Album" obsession. Like I've done in other instances throughout my life, I went off the deep end with this entire effort. What started as an idea to have some excellent retro LPs in the cool retro Hi-Fi console morphed into my revisiting the "key influence" records I once owned. Then stumbling across "close but not quite key" material had me going down a rabbit hole. A few $$$ and about 50 LPs later, I realized last night that it's just another time suck and diversion. Some aspects of it are rewarding and relaxed, and I'm not going to dump what I've amassed suddenly, but I'm going to set aside and thin out the bulk and return to the original intentions. Ultimately having a handful of 1961 releases in the Hi-Fi and a very focused set of landmarks that represent my musical maturation are sufficient. Time to focus elsewhere. I'm putting time into this I need to put it into something more substantive. I knocked off a few household tasks earlier, but the 90-degree heat made me think twice. I'm lying low for the remainder of the afternoon. Matt B, Jess, and I are going to the Mt Winery tonight to take in the Billy Joel Tribute Band. That should be fun. I put the 'bark collars' back on the dogs and set them to "11," so we'll see if that mitigates the frequency of their barks tonight. I talked to Jen on her PM there - she's having a good time so far; her apartment is cool, as is the town and village they're in. Tomorrow is their 1st-day cooking, and I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes.

Highlights: I thought I'd try and 'break the ice on the tension between myself and Tommy by simply inviting him to lunch. I wanted to try the Indian place up the road on Union. He scoffed at the initial suggestion but later, around 11.40, accepted the invitation, to my surprise. But the place we went to initiated an "oh, no, not this place" response. He'd been there before, it seems, and with negative results. We ended up going to Aqui and barely spoke at all. My initial efforts were met with one-word responses, so I stopped trying. On the way back, he asked why I wanted to go to lunch, and I just said, sincerely, I thought it would be fun to try that Indian place, and left it at that. It was a 'win' to me either way, given that he accepted the offer, and I showed a willingness to find a way to maintain some sense of civility regardless of our recent conflicts. He came in later, gave me a hug, and held on for quite a while, which I cautiously take as sincere, given that it wasn't necessary. I'm hoping the week ahead goes smoothly. Jen packed for her trip, and we're heading to SFO tomorrow with the dogs to maintain some degree of calm at the house, given they seem to lose their shit for hours on end. Fucking dogs. I love them, but they're challenging to manage. I need to get the vibrating collars and try them again this week.

Highlights: Tuesday's counseling appointment was emotionally intense. I'm wrestling with hard choices and the realities of having to distance myself from an unhealthy dynamic. It's more complicated than anything I've done before, including the divorce, but it might be the only path left to something better for both of us. Jen's intestinal issues continued to the point that she conceded to going to UrgentCare. And to my surprise, I called it… diverticulitis. Two days before leaving for a week-long cooking course in Italy. Seriously, that sucks, but it could be worse, and for a very brief time today, I was conscious that sooner or later, one of us will face some terminal situation sooner or later. It's so easy to forget that. We visited Matt to pick up cheese from Washington, enjoyed some meats and wine and had social time. It was awesome. I needed it. So did Jen.

Highlights: I woke up with the SAD light around 6.15-6.30. Felt good to get an early start. For my sanity, routines that have fallen to the wayside need re-engagement, which is part of that. I must work the squats and pushups back into the routine without making neck issues worse. It was good to get a mediation in again, too. Jen got up, and we got out early with Scottie. I took Lucky for a solo walk today after returning with Jen and Scottie. He did wonderfully. We made it to just around the corner and returned before he got too anxious. He also cleared three days of intestinal remnants in 3-4 isolated stops. "Morning Constitution," indeed. I'll keep working with him daily. We are going to take him on some short day trips too. Maybe we will make a trip to SAC with both dogs for a visit after Jen's Italy trip, and it's pretty sure we'll take them both to Paso for our week in wine country in mid-October. Tommy "sort of" apologized without apologizing, but I'm keeping a safe distance because it's just the protective step I need to take. Radical acceptance that this will never change. VERY hard to put into action when the heart is incorporated into the desire for something healthy and rational, but neither is within reach. In theory, barring illness or accident, I should have about 16yrs time for him to mature or for me to accept he won't see me for who I am instead of who he needs me to be to feel better about himself and his fucked up childhood. Neither seems enviable at this point. But I'm prone to taking the present moment as fixed instead of flexible, and everything changes. Good and bad. Nothing stays the same. So much of how things are with him today are how things were with his mom and I for many troublesome years. That changed, too. Unexpectedly and irrevocably.

 

Highlights: Rainy AM ran throughout the day. I visited David and Julia before they left my mom's. It's such a complicated scenario, but what isn't? Like my relationship with my son being ideal and then a total disaster. As with his mom, I refuse to take full blame for an unhealthy dynamic, even less so when I enter the ring attempting to approach peacefully and repeatedly get hit in the face as I fail to succeed. It's not sustainable. I don't know what to do about it beyond the hard line and hard choices that'll result in hard divisions and resentments that might last at least my lifetime, if not his. What a tragedy this is, and for my part, it just reinforces that I suck as a parent and should never have gone down that path. Ugh. Jen returned tonight, and as much as I'm glad to have her back, I think it sucks that she has to live in this unhealthy home. It's toxic; I don't know how long she'll last. I won't long after, that's for sure. Nobody should have to live in a place of such contention and disrespect, and I'm having a hard time deciding if I want to bother doing so myself. How long does one stay on a sinking ship before abandoning and if they wait too long can they save themselves at all?

Chris Kay's father's LPs end up in my care thanks to Leigh's rummage sale | Dogs come with me to visit David & Julia at mom's

Highlights: Relatively early rise and stop at Leigh's rummage sale. Found a few LPs of interest, including the Nancy Wilson/Cannonball Adderley 1961 release, on my wishlist. All owned and even inscribed by Chris Kay's father, Stephen. I told Chris and his wife. I'll have them over to have wine and a listening party. I went to Branham and found a handful of things, including far superior copies of ONJ and JCSS, also on my list. I also snagged a few B-level extras and fun stuff for Jen (including the 1st Go Go's LP). I returned home and played and organized the new records a bit before heading to visit my brother and Julia, who were in town visiting my mom. I decided I'd take Scottie since he's a basket case lately and the ", please take me too" look on Lucky's face was powerful enough that even while trying to say no, I knew the answer would be YES. They came along for the ride, including a stop for gas and a visit to pick up the USB LP conversation turntable I found on CL. I wanted to get it as a backup and convert the "console" selections to digital copies complete with the pops/clicks so I can put it on for atmosphere and have a backup option in case the player goes belly up. It's working well, and I have some additional refinements that should make it operate even smoother. However, it's still just a matter of time before something takes it out of commission, and I don't want to be without options after putting the time into gathering this collection. I visited with David, Julia, Lindsey and Ryan before heading out with the dogs, who managed well enough. Lucky did get a dramatic face-slap from my mom's Cat "Starsky," but sans claws. Just a "paw to the jaw" as a warning shot to back TF up. I started working on the garage late in the afternoon and got most of the tool bench cleared, so I'll put more time into it tomorrow. The plan is now to remove it, use it for a potting table on the side alley, and put shelves in their place. I want no 'flat surfaces in the garage to be used for dumping spots. A place for everything and everything in its place is my goal. I don't have any other plans tomorrow other than that and picking up Jen when she returns from WA around 6 pm. I and the dogs and even Tommy will be glad to have her home. She has been missed and will be again next week when she leaves for Italy.

Highlights: Back to WFH again after a few days in RWC. I got the EDF reports run and over the fence and made some improvements too. Tommy bought the new iPhone. He has 3 "hickeys" on his neck, won't answer direct questions about them, and I'm stressing over his possible choices. I don't want him going down paths my family and I have traveled or compromising his opportunities. Such a timeless scenario this is. I couldn't talk to my parents and struggle to get him to talk to me. Jen's still in WA, and returns Sun PM. Lauren's staying in SAC this weekend and likely coming down next. I am going to get up early, go to the Leigh Rummage sale and flea market and then focus on the garage for the entire day sans a run to see David/Julia at my mom's again or perhaps inviting them over instead. I tried swapping out the turntables, learned some things and managed to get the original working better by replacing the broken piece on the needle arm head with the other's. I also took apart some of the underpinnings related to the spindle and eject and with some modest modifications to improve the grip on the turntable by the rotor, I now have things functional where it returns and stops at the end of playing. I still want to try and swap the spindle mechanism but that looks like a lot more work and for the moment this is enough.

Two distinctly "WTF" animal moments...

Highlights: Dinner Wed PM in RWC with the Care2 team was great because I got to sit with Sabrina Martin and Vlad. I am old, and hearing in loud rooms with high ceilings is difficult. I managed to get by, but it was a struggle. I'd called into the meetings for Wed but went in for Thur's final day, which was a good thing to have done. I think I identified some positive opportunities with Richard on transitioning some roles and setting up the game plan for the remainder of 2022. Tonight was GNO, no BL, but JS and JG came to Pano, and we had a great time. Tommy hung out with us for part of the evening, which was pleasant. It meant a lot to me to have him 'incorporated' into things in a manner of speaking, as he's focused on the new iPhone and this was the right crowd to bed n. I am toying with taking PM tomorrow off just to have some downtime and enjoy myself. TBD. David's at mom's, so I may swing by tomorrow PM to visit with Tommy too.

Safe Space

My leaving a safe distance between myself and the car ahead of me is not so you can squeeze into it. I won't live to see it but I hope that someday soon self-driving cars in fully autonomous mode are all that's allowed on the road.

Store clerk: "I need to come up with a good name for my mermaid skeleton".

Me: "That's easy. "Ariel" with a B…. "Bariel" (pronounced "burial")

I start the day on a positive note. I slept reasonably well. I will give it a seven or eight out of 10. It had a good beat I could dance to. I did take the gabapentin, and yes, I do fear developing a dependency. It's just what I do. I also got up, and out of bed around 6:30 AM, riches part of the routine, I want to return to more consistently. But it wasn't simply about doing so out of commitment. It was about going to work. Even when there is no office to go into :-). Our company is doing biannual account reviews wherein we gather with the business development and executive teams to review the various clients and accounts to give updates on sales history, forecasts, and business needs. Those were online during the passed Covid years, and now they're doing it again in person. I suppose there is a strong value in being in person, but I still bristle at the idea of the expense of accommodations and travel and food and everything that goes along with such an event. One funny thing is it will be at the former Sofitel hotel in Redwood Shores right by our old building. A place I walked by repeatedly and went into on more than one occasion, including former account reviews! It is a nicely appointed hotel. I felt a little curmudgeonly in that I have no interest in hanging out after 2 PM over the next three days. I don't want to deal with traffic and must get home to the dogs. That's a big change for me. In my earlier years, I would be more inclined to stay into the evening to meet up with colleagues and friends and do things together, but that's not where my head is. I might use Wednesday night with some of my coworkers because dinner is already scheduled, and I could squeeze some additional time in beforehand and after. Back to driving to work… How quickly things returned to the days of congestion on my route to work. I slightly regret having discarded Carl Poole. I could use him right now. But I am simply attempting to accept the nature of the circumstances and that I will be in traffic crawling at a 5 to 10-mile-an-hour pace throughout much of my trip into the meetings. It's only two days. And Wednesday will not be spent driving into work but calling into meetings. And each evening, I will retreat early to avoid traffic and get home. Maybe. We'll see about Thursday. And hey, it gives me a chance to continue listening to "good night, LA. " My latest audiobook on audible. A book about the music industry of the 70s. Something I've been mentally revisiting as I listen to albums from that era. And it's also been a nice break from the more serious and introspective content related to death, dying, relationships and quality of life. Jennifer and I briefly discussed with Tommy last night about his interest in joining his swim team. I think he is inherently and naturally physically optimized (height, strength, body weight) for this sport and has a natural ability to excel. A swim team may be something that gets him further opportunities regarding College. It's $200 a month, but I'm OK with that. But I worry about him taking on further obligations when he doesn't seem to be fully engaged and invested in the level of effort the work requires to get the grade points he needs for Berkeley. I told him as much, but as it tends to go, our exchanges can sometimes be tense, so I prefaced it with the statement that it was not meant to be argumentative; it was meant to express concern and point out possible risks in adding to his already full plate. we had a big conflict yesterday because of the way he left the bathroom after apparently getting sick from something he ate. I also have issues with the fact that he's not respecting the effort I put into cleaning up the garage so far, including organizing the tools that are again being left out and about. I told him again that if he wants to use our home in our items, he needs to respect them and put them back so they will always be where I expect to find them when I need them. Just like it works for him when he needs something. and I left it at that. It appears that brief comments without emotion are the only way to manage and handle the tense dynamic. I don't accept full responsibility for any of this. I blame a lot of it on his mom and how she represented me to them throughout their lives, including the time of our separation and divorce. I chatted with Lauren a bit last night, and it was good to hear that she and her roommate seem to be finding a better harmony in their rapport. She indicated that the roommate was interested in doing some things with her. Hopefully, that will happen, and they might become friends. It would make a living in a small jail cell-sized room easier for both of them. I decided that since Lauren's away and getting her meals funded through the trust/my matching, Tommy should have the same even though he's living at home, as he eats out on his dime more than he eats our food, and it's fair and reasonable given how he's focused on grades and school over income. I retroactively reimbursed him and set up a weekly allotment through year-end. Jen and I ran to GOBM to get some stuff I'll need for the week ahead [keto/PSMF stuff], and she made a new batch of dog food, so there's some until she returns. I'm grateful to have her doing that work for them; knowing what they eat means a lot to me. Lucky's vet visit today confirmed an eye infection, but Lauren and my efforts with interim dog-saline helped make it a lot better than it would have had we not taken any action for a few days. It's good that she caught that and that we responded appropriately. I put some of the 1960-61 vinyl on tonight and really enjoyed doing so. I did some further research on how to remove and replace the turntable, and if I can find the time this weekend, I'll try the alternate one out. I'm a bit hesitant to risk messing up what's working in case I cause more problems than I do improvements. Also, the garage really should be my sole focus. Hopefully, I'll have that level of discipline. Last note - my mom indicated that she heard from David unexpectedly and that he'll be at her house tomorrow with Julia. I have commitments already, but I'm hoping he'll be around for a day or two and I can find time to see him. I suspect Tommy would like to, too. I'll let him know in the morning.

I didn't sleep well last night. And it's hard to put my finger on exactly why. I'm feeling restless mentally. As for the pain from my neck, it is gradually subsiding, but the word gradual is an overstatement. Minor fractional improvements, every day, get set back by the slightest exertion. We set about the morning routine. Jennifer was back, and we walked the dog, but I felt somewhat disconnected. It will be an awkward week with on-site account reviews and me traveling into Redwood City for the first time in several years. I have no idea what to expect for my commute, but being there at 9 AM will likely require at least one hour of drive time each way. I managed to secure an unexpected availability for the newest Covid vaccine booster at the Safeway near Panorama, so I walked over and back to get some steps in. I'm still failing to get back down to my ideal weight. I'm not making as much conscious effort as I need to, so I'm just in a holding pattern. Holding patterns are wasted time with half-hearted efforts and minimal results. I need a whole week of aggressive action. With Jennifer going to Italy, that will probably be the time for me to make that happen with few distractions. Jen and I cleaned the house tonight and watched two episodes of Better Call Saul before bed, based on the recommendation of friends and our having already seen the first half of this final season.

I must write nightly because I struggle to remember all the details, let alone the next night or even later.

I didn't sleep very well Friday night. I felt fine when I got home, but something didn't sit well for whatever reason, and I felt like shit throughout the night. BOTH dogs stayed with Lauren Friday and Saturday nights, which was sweet as they liked her being back. Saturday was a pleasant day with both Lauren home and Tommy too. I went 'retro' for the am, and we jumped in the car, drove to Monterey after getting some Noah's Bagels and hit the Aquarium. After that, we head to Philz for an early lunch only to find it closed and relocating. That's big news for Philz Phanz, and we jumped up the road to try another spot… "Sea Harvest." It was good enough. Then we returned as I wasn't too keen on leaving the dogs alone for the entire day. Tommy was pleasant and responsive and even expressed gratitude for the trip. It's been a while, and I think we all enjoyed it, albeit with a sense of nostalgia for 'the good old days' gone by. I find it hard to imagine I'm even saying that, as it's odd to consider them old enough for us to have 'good old days' but they are and we do. We used to 'day trip' a lot more pre-covid and perhaps even pre-Jennifer. I have a feeling with Lauren at school, it'll be more common to carve out some adventure time when she's visiting, and maybe I can work some of this into time with Tommy/I too. After we returned, Lauren/I ran some errands, including a trip to GOBM in SJ to get a "cucumber vodka" for Jen. Man, that place is getting increasingly run down; I need to stick to the nearby one. We took Aqui to my mom's for dinner and visited for a while. It was a pleasant visit, and one Lauren was excited about. She's gotten attached to my mom, which is heartwarming. Lauren and I hung on the patio and talked in the evening. I set aside my computer to focus on her and to connect. This morning she came with me to pick up a phonograph I found on craigslist that's the same as the unit in the console I have. I wanted to get it for $20, so I have a spare for my refurbishing projects. Ideally, it'll drop in and work perfectly, but in the worst case, I will have parts I might need. It's set aside for now in the garage. We briefly visited her mom's grave before returning home and running her to the train station. It was only once we got there that she realized she'd not gotten the time correct, and she had to wait for 2hrs before it came. We walked to the very-nearby Starbucks, and she got a drink and settled in while I took off to meet Jess and Bev at our house, and we headed up to Byington for the wine tasting/pickup event. It was a great time with liberal pours and lots of laughter. Jen missed out, but I hope we'll go again for the cave tour soon. I picked her up on her return from Seattle around 6 pm, and we relaxed on the patio with a cucumber vodka drink. She's got two days before going to Leavenworth, so today/tomorrow will be focused on. It felt like a full weekend but also 'shaken up and not routine, which I found exciting. Routine can be comfortable, but a slight change of pace can remind me of things that matter yet don't get constantly considered.

Scottie is waiting for Jen's return in 2 more days. | Mountain Winery Rising Full Moon photo courtesy of Jon F

Highlights: EARLY am rise and drop Jen to SJC for her flight to Seattle with Judith. He took Scottie, which worked reasonably well, but he's not fond of her traveling without him. Work was good - focus engaged effectively. Lauren came down via Amtrak, and her train was over an hour late, but we had advance notice, and I took both dogs to pick her up. We're all so glad to have her home. Tomorrow will be a fun day together with both of them. Tonight was "Classic Albums Live - The Dark Side of the Moon at Mt Winery. Jon Dom and Matt joined me, and it was awesome. I've seen performances before, but this was not only spot-on, but even the sound effects (bag of dropping coins, for example) were live and not recorded loops. They jammed and rocked and nailed it. It was also so fun to bring together three people I think are cool and watch them gel because that, too, is cool. Hopefully, we'll all reconnect again at a future event or outing. I returned to a house with both kids in it for the first time in a few weeks, and that's heartwarming. Life is good, really good; no matter what hardships may have come or will come my way, I have a lot to be grateful for.

Attempting to ease him into the routine | Another Jeri Influence Returns

Highlights: Up early, but hey, still on Minnesota time. We tried walking Lucky this am with 'end of the block' success, but it's a start. Worked while juggling a range of parallel tasks. I listened in the background to almost all of the LPs I received while traveling and realized a few were ones I never had on LPs; I had CDs during that transition point. So the perfectionist in me says they have to go. Conflicts with Tommy over his class, priorities, etc. This recent trip has made me less willing to continue being in an abusive relationship, and that's what this is. When Jen returns, there'll be some discussions about the next steps, and it's not going to end well, but then again, this way isn't either. Cold hard truth. Bug zapper arrived and working like a charm. Listened to the recording of "The War of the Worlds" by Orson Welles on the patio with Jen. She'd never heard it before and enjoyed it. I shared how I listened with my father and how much I enjoyed it over the many decades since. Scottie thew up because apparently Tommy fed him chili, so I asked Jen to send a photo of it and say, "this is why you don't do that." Did well returning to a focused diet after the time taking a break. Only put a few lbs on, but the work to get them off is always harder, and I'm on a mission to maintain an average for the year I'm throwing off—time to get aggressive again. Jen leaves for Seattle tomorrow, and Lauren comes home from Sac to stay through Saturday, which will be great!

Highlights: Final day of my brief vacation in Minnesota. I had a wonderful time. I can not say enough just how this short time away from work with these friends brought about a much-needed increase in my sense of calm and balance. My problems are 1st world problems, and I'm grateful for that and so much more. So I say these things with conscious awareness of my good fortune and opportunities in life. But the time I've taken to "restore" throughout the past 1.5yrs + has been fragmented and minimal. This wasn't "enough," but it was a start. Genuinely disconnecting from the pressures, even for just two days (due to Labor Day), helped. I had at first intended to be far less engaged in doing 'stuff' with my friends than I ended up doing but the one day I had to focus on my interests was enough. And what I found in the way of inspiration from that time made me value the people an opportunity I had to be present with them all the more. The last day today was spent having a great breakfast together, going on a long (4+ mile) walk through a neighborhood and park near Teri's house. We stopped so I could pick up a bag of "Caribou" coffee for home and a box of pods for them. Once we returned, we just hung out at the house. I packed up, cleaned up and tidied up. Then I grabbed the 1994 calendar from Steve's cache of those mentioned previously. I seized about six years' worth, but just that one alone was an opportunity to walk through a year in our shared lives and reflect back some 28 years. It was everything I thought it would be to review the constant entries of people, places and things and to talk through the details behind so many summaries as written. Matt found one of the photo albums covering that same date range, showing photos that accompanied the entries about trips to Washington, New Mexico and more. Parties, movie nights, concerts, dinners, life events and milestones… all were recounted. It took at least an hour or so, and after that one year, I was satisfied and didn't want to force another. I'm hoping this might carry forward, and they might take other calendars to Leavenworth next week. We also ended up talking through and brainstorming a way for Steve to see his long-desired "blue wall of cow skulls" come to fruition through painting, texture and potentially Matt B donating his own bovine artifact to the project. The first-class return flight was great. The meal and service and early boarding almost made it worthwhile, but at least on Delta, the "comfort+" row has better legroom and equal benefits outside of a proper 'meal.' Not sure I'd do Firs Class again. TBD. We'll see in January. Jen picked us up at SJC and we dropped Matt at home, checked out his new kitchen, and returned home. I had a slew of 'vinyl' waiting from some recent ebay purchases. Buying records getting shipped in 100 degree weather isn't something I considered. I"m looking forward to playing them tomorrow. I'm tempted to take one more day off. I need it, and since Jen's going away Friday it'll be a good chance for us to have some 1:1 time beforehand.

Highlights: AM coffee and looking through scrapbooks. A brief dog walk before breakfast at "Three Squares" in Maple Grove. Picked up a bag of beans and a wonderful Ethiopian Yurgicheffe at "Kingdom Coffee". Returned and ran to get lunch meats and such at a local shop - enjoyed what I found and wish I had a good way to bring food back home. 2nd outing to a much larger dog park for a much longer walk. Massive "open" fenced-in space with trails and ponds and such. Loved it. Back home for a brief unscheduled but uniformly needed nap before dinner at Ross Creek golf course. Firepit at home before watching "The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent" which was totally the perfect fun movie I wanted/needed and got high ROI out of watching. Squeezed in a 2nd "Ted Lasso" before bed. Showered. Called Jen, sent a msg to Lauren. Set alarm to try and get up early tomorrow for a final full day focused on making the most of the opportunity to spend time with these friends.

Accomplishments: I did well managing my eating and limited my alcohol too.

Goals: Further adventures, including more good conversation and reminiscence.

Anticipation: Flying home and being home.

Gratitude: Such gracious hosts allowing me to share this time and put me up.

Arrived Saturday and posted a brief note or two and then got busy living, as it were, and reconnecting. I love their home, it's filled with history. Diana gave me a tour and pointed out things like Steve's childhood cowboy boots, her childhood plate, and artifacts that figured prominently in "Tex," including the carved wooden bust that figures prominently in one of the more moving chapters. I loved seeing Carl's drawings on the walls and other familiar items. They remodel downstairs and is wonderful and so well decorated. We went to Leo and Teri's house on the lake Sunday, about a 2hr drive north on Saturday. It was great to see them both and meet Nick for the first time. We took their pontoon boat around the lake, and Leo grilled burgers. We returned, and after a brief break we had dinner at "Redstone". I picked a 2016 Tempranillo that all enjoyed and I had a wonderful bone-in ribeye crusted with blue cheese and served with grilled onions. We watched the 1st episode of Season 1 of "Formula One" and then that day's earlier race. I crashed hard and slept well - fantastically well. They went Monday, and I hung back while I had the house to myself with Ranger. I wrote, read and reflected on the patio and inside the house while calm music playing, and I enjoyed the surroundings, inside and out, fully. It was much needed. We shared a casual dinner of sausage and salads on the patio after a round of martinis and then some red wine. We watched "Everything everywhere all at once" and S01E01 of Ted Lasso, which they enjoyed. I didn't sleep as well, likely because I overindulged. It's a vacation and I want to have fun and relax, but I also don't want to put myself "further behind" while doing so, so today will be a 'dry' day of sorts and I'll focus on a firm Keto baseline. Tomorrow I'll cut myself one more day of slack before returning in the evening. Today's plans are low key which is exactly what I wanted. A walk, a breakfast out, time hanging at the house going through photo albums, watching some fun shows, a casual dinner out.

Write On Time

This morning, I was reminded why I started journaling routinely a few years ago and, in part, why I started blogging, too. I needed this gentle reminder right now. As I tend to do, I wonder whether it was subconsciously sought, encountered through a fortuitous circumstance, or perhaps even divinely executed as nudge to my conscious intent.

Steve and Diana’s house is wonderfully spacious, impeccably designed and filled with historical artifacts from their lives, as I have strived to create in our home this past year. Amongst the myriad of photos, documents and wonderful handcrafts and artwork, there is a library room (this place is massive) where I’ve found numerous printed treasures I wish I had more time to “literally” read. I photographed a few specific titles to revisit and took photos of the shelved collection on the whole. I looked through the two ample stacks of “Playboy” magazines they had come across in their garage when moving here from Santa Clara. They were his father’s, had been stashed away in a box amongst boxes, as such treasures inherently do between discoveries and eventual re-inheritance. I set aside 4 copies to read the interview in (honest) while here.And, along with the rest of these items, I also found a stack of spiral-bound calendars dating back to at least the mid 80s, if not prior.

Unlike my far-less-substantive holdings of similar physical calendars, his are densely annotated with brief notations of specific daily incidents, places, people and events, including notes of my presence and involvement in these shared experiences. These moments, like so many others, have been lost in time and gone undocumented by me. Game nights, movie outings, meals and more. What a treasure this is for me to have come across.

When I started journaling daily, I wrote about my inspiration in this post, “And Then There Were Three”. In particular, how “...when I look back at them, it’s a time-capsule through which I can reflect on so many moments that were routine at the time and now treasured memories” and how “nothing on my cloud-based calendars ends up being referenced back to ... and only on rare occasion do I stumble across a fun memory when searching an upcoming itinerary…”.

I wish I could go back in time. I wish I’d captured more of those moments now lost. Over the past ten years or so, I’ve found myself talking to a wide range of people I’ve shared various times and roles with, to be reminded of something as simple as “Friday Midleton shots” in my office at Apple, farcical outgoing-voicemail recordings crafted in tandem with Mary, and on occasion – of places, people and moments I can not remember at all.

I suppose this is what aging brings about—Nostalgia, reminiscence, reflection. I am looking back at “the good old days” while remaining cognizant of the present moment’s value. Looking back can certainly inform the present and change to the future. I’m often unsure which realm of time I’m living in or should be. Finding that concentric overlap would be ideal.

The epitome of "mental lint," this 1978 cartoon has stayed with me since I first read it, likely on its first publication.

My "Inner Dialogs" are routinely continuous retrospectives, counseling sessions, and interventions.

It's 10.30 pm in Minnesota, where I'm settling in for the night as I start a stretch of time visiting friends with the sole intent of decompressing. It feels like 10.30 pm, too, even though theoretically, I should still feel like it's 8.30. Maybe it's the time spent on a plane for 4hrs; maybe it's the built-up, perhaps it's the relief of being, finally, in a place where for here next four nights and five days, I have little or no demands on what I do or where I go or who I am for that matter, other than just being allowed to "be." Minnesota. Come for the friends, stay for the pie. I left on good terms with Tommy, which meant a great deal given the latest tensions that seemed to warrant his disdain. I am glad that's over for the time being and hopeful that it'll continue to be something we deal with less frequently. I'd call that progress. Hanging with Matt, Steve, and Diana is so liberating, as is their home and the tranquil nature of the environment that I'm almost brought to tears by the simple relief I feel taking some time for myself. It's been a long year of constant demands. I need this. I agreed to go tomorrow to the lake house where I'll see Leo and Teri after likely 30+ years of not. I've made it clear that I'm not going to play the 'small talk' game, and as I see it now, that's an opportunity to engage in real terms vs. avoiding doing so. We had a wonderful meal on the patio and a lovely firepit afterward, and it was cathartic just to be afforded this opportunity. I'm lucky to have friends like this. It's a shame there was a lull for a few decades, but it gave me insight and appreciation as I went off to experience my solo flight before returning to share the lessons learned with those who've had their journey. It's enriched.