I took a short trip with Tommy to stay one night at "Rush Creek" resort, just outside the Yosemite National Park entrance. Once there, though, we decided to stay at the resort. We have been to Yosemite frequently and recently, and the grounds and amenities at this place were too nice to trade for long lines, crowded walkways and waiting for shuttle buses. It was completely relaxing. Tommy utilized a slew of Spa and facility options while I enjoyed a chance to connect to nature, read and simply "be." This was intercepted by a dramatic and upsetting call from my mom indicating she was sleep-deprived again. And having issues managing her medications effectively along with other issues. I was frustrated on many levels, including my not having anticipated issues recurring. We got things settled only to find out this morning that she continued to have issues throughout this third sleepless night. I had to work with her and Stanford to sort out medications and move tracking them into a single spreadsheet, shared, that I hope will help. Hopefully, she will rebound quickly. GNO dinned at Loma Brewing was meh (the food sucked) but yeah (time with friends). Tomorrow will be a day of focus on Death Cafe and more studying on my EOL planning efforts.

Passing Thought: The statement, "Our next President may be our last President," can be interpreted in several different ways. Play with it and see.

Breakfast at "The Pantry" this morning was fun. I love that place and it was appropriate to reconnect with Marya and Rosendo there. It's been too long and they are another set of friends I would like to stay in more consistent contact with. The time spent pulling weeds was pleasant if not medatifive. I'm offically old. My appointment today went well enough to not have a strong sense of the probable outcome. So, a two week wait awaits. We took Tommy to "Namaste" for dinner to celebrate his internship at Stanford. He is off all week so we are going to go to "Rush Creek" tomorrow for a mini-vacation, returning Tuesday night.

It took some creative thinking to figure out how to optimize the brief time we had in Paso with dogs that have way too many issues to contend with at a shop, winery or restaurant. There was a time when Scottie was relatively portable and managable. Not any more. And the other one, Lucky, fornget about it. He's a royal pain in the ass about strangers in the distance. I'm unwilling to leave them in the car out of fear that they will destroy the interior while scratching their way out. Fortunately, we did have an option, the same we have used at the same rental previously. There's a hallway here in which they can be closed, it's nicely situated where any barking is muffled enough to not be an annoyance to neighbors. Putting towels down helps with any accidents, and they are otherwise safe, secure and we can go do things without them. Short outings-an hour or two-seem reasonable. we made it work for Bella Luna, then again in the afternoon at Herman Story (where thier Syrah, "Nuts & Bolts", was the highlight of our tastings. And finally, after many years of desire to do so, Jen got to see "Sensori", the art exhibit. I was far more impressed by it than I could have expexted. It was really quite an immersive and sensory experience. I would definitely do it again.

Highlights: A "working" morning during which I had an encouraging conversation and indication that I might have a small revenue option on the horizon. I authored and sent my first client an initial breakdown of the EOL facilitation process, and made some related revisions to website. Our one winery trip was made a struggle by Scottie and Luxky being, well, total assholes. Barking at people and just being unpleasant. The muzzle was not effective and there was only one. IF (big if) we ever attempt this against it may require crating in the Tesla, but even that will likely put a damper on things. I think leaving them home is our only option. Broken Earth has an awesome italian red called "Nero d' Avola". Tommy's internship turned out to be the oncology one he had hoped for. And he has a lot to do in the coming weeks to prepare. This weeks Paso trip was offset by unexpected appointments appearing on mom's schedule that have caused issues managing things in our absence. It's resulting on the cancellation of other plans at this point.

Sitting on the patio in Paso before a firepit in the crisp, chilly air is only worthy of my gratitude. Therefore, I will not mention traveling with pets. or that the firepit time was cut short due to the dogs. I'll omit that for sure. Starting the day in deep conversations with Nigel and Marissa was rewarding and inspiring. Tommy was notified today that he got the internship at Stanford! Synchronicity was the timely Mel Robbins podcast we randomly picked. Hmm. My call with an initial-trial exitidy client went very well too. Our evening included a little wine and cheese, some planning of our calendars and just "be" ing.

On the heals of Jess's "VOTM" vertical tasting of 6 "Spanish bombs" spanning 2014-2020, I awoke feeling crappy after a similar night's sleep. Or lack of. Maybe it was the wine but I thought my consumption was quite restrained. Or it could be due to the large slice of Leona's game changing cheesecake that was gone moments after being set before me. The Paso trip will be a chance to try the tastings without consuming. I better read up. We aligned on a 3-day carnivore plan that will be much more manageable there. I have a wonderful opportunity to work with a deep bows Sangha member family on a review of their aging mother's state of affairs and needs. 'm looking forward to doing so. My gentle conversation with Lauren (more monolog. than dialog) gave me hope that she will be ok no matter what. A road trip may be in our future. This afternoon I found my­self lounging against Jennifer on the patio. It was a conscious act to do so, recognizing the opportunity to be fully present with the sights, sounds and warmth of a perfect summer afternoon. only, it April. so August will likely be unbearable. Marissa and Nigel arrived at my mom's 6pm and we enjoyed a chance to visit and connect. They came to stay with us, and we stayed up on the patio talking with Tommy, and haven briefly on facetime and speaker- phone. It makes me happy to be with all of these wonderful family members, and their unique & shared characters.

The sunrise is coming just a bit earlier these days. It's a gentle way to wake, and the patio is hopefully where most of my mornings will be spent for the next six months. Getting the benefits of sunlight, enjoying the sounds of birds and squirrels, and, as of yesterday, relaxing on a new outdoor sectional we picked up from neighbors who are doing a remodel. I now have two options for places to sit and write. It's so reminiscent of the years renting Pauline's house on Loma Vista, where I would sit and write letters on the patio. Here, now, at this spot, I'm distracted by having just noticed a wasp nest under the roofline, yet more rhythmically by the repetitive cooling of a bird that just flew into a space we have above my head. And just flew away. My remarkable has been spared being pooped on, as have I. Our wone walk event in Los Gatos was fun. We met up with Marlin and Connie, who I walked right by while Jennifer recognized him. We tried several good wines from some small independent wineries "Wild Eye" had a wonderful cabernet, along with a couple of others that may warrant making reservations to visit. We have more than enough, of course, but the opportunity to explore some of these small "boutique" winemakers nearby makes for fun outings. I capped the day yesterday with a 4/20 outing to the planetarium with Mark to take in their "Dark side of the Moon" show. I kept my eyes closed the whole time, focused mostly on the quality of the sonics and audio they have their, while subtle muted hues of colors from the lasers bled softly through closed eyelids. Followed by a firepit visit with Mark, Jen and Tommy, who I watched with wonder as he recounted with Mark stories of first meeting Vinny, of scouts and camping, and it struck me how influential all of those experience clearly were for him. I hope to have Lauren visit for a few days in May/June and get to spend similar time with her, too. Because it's all fleeting.

Yesterday's morning routine was compressed due to a need to go pickup my mom and return her to the cancer center by our house at peak commute find again. But it worked out. Even the dogs got thier walk in. The appointment was short and there's nothing againt for awhile beyond a video cheekin on Wednesday. I returned home an to my focus efforts. I got a good deal started around my business plan and approach and at spent a couple of hours working through numerous notes and resourses to refresh my own memory of all of the nuances. And my positioning of my services as a blend of a g and a guide. The GNO was online and entertaining. Today included attending a 7am Benyon Meditation, which allowed me an opportunity to get more comfortable with "Live" interaction. (Its rather striking how covid and remote work has resulted for me in a sense of isolation). walked to LeLe for coffee and conversation with J.S. Hoping we can implement a quarterly GNO outing. Issue's with changer "overheating" on Tommy's car indicated issues with sun, heat and changers. Learning experience. Spur of the moment evening with Dom and Mary. Good wine, good food, good friends. and great weather for enjoying all of it.

It's been a day filled with introspection, inspiration, and self-reflection. Starting with the plumber arriving slightly later than expected. He was pleasant and I match him in a lengthy effort to triage and resolve the water pressure issue. Untimately, it came down to the antique valve's crumbling decayed washer clogging the works. It is likely behind the whole mess yesterday, too. Bad timing, fate, circumstances, whatever. It's managed, it's done, it's life. Now, I won't pretend I rolled this gracefully at first, when the domino's started to fall: I was frustrated, confused and in over my head. And angry. This speaks to my ongoing endeaver to incorporate an awareness of what I can and can not expect to control. Which is mearly my response. I came around reasonably well to accept that it was all just another day. I enjoyed the debugging effort this morning, and the charge was reasonable given that they knew what they were doing when I do not. I met Mark S. at 11ᵗʰ hour coffee in Santa Cruz today. It was a great connection made by Frank, who saw a like-minded idealism of a mindful and connected nature. I'm sure we will find opportunities to collaborate as I work on refining my consulting idea into something more aligned with my intentions than just pushing papers. This exchange, as Jen observed, is one more indication that I'm aligning with my potential. The drive over and back in the Tesla was fun and reminiscent of days I would "road trip" more often. Tommy had an interview for an internship today that I suspect will prove to be a good practice for Friday's, the position that seems well suited for him. I attended a "volunteer event" at Stanford with him at his invitation. It felt rewarding to be asked and to see him on his environment. I am pressing Lauren a bit more firmly to meet with a guidance counciler as to next semester. I want her to make sure her decisions are inverment and coordinated. I myself have to refine some of my own goals and routines, again. Staying balanced is an act of persistance and awareness. I have a few slight adjustments in mind that may be key in turning a few desires into accomplishments.

Sunday with Lauren home was wonderful. we visited my mom, her mom (Madronia) and had some good conversations around some of her latest insights and observations. She also played with Lucky, tagged along as Jen and I visited Gali for a pickup event, got her hair cut and then fixed at home by Jen and I. We drove her home in the Tesla, stopping of Texas de Brazil to charge and dine. It was all a good test for us as we learn the ropes around living with an EV. We made it there and backs with about 20 miles of battery left. This morning the Fisher-Paykel repair was done. It cost almost as much as the used unit did but still less than a new one, so I guess I should be grateful? But repairs we not an expectation when the decision to buy was made. It's done, life goes on, and lessons learned will hopefully prevent such reoccurances. Another domino in all of this is realizing it would be good to replace the old and problematic value under the sink. It is likey responsible for todays decrease in water pressure. Eagle is coming tomorrow to address it. Although these are things I could learn and do myself I also value my time and know all too well how pulling an unfamiliar strings can have unexpected consequences.



Last night's rain continued into the morning and the cloud coverage seemed to play into the dogs sleeping later than usual. Which meant I slept later than usual, too. Tommy worked in the morning and instead of going to Sacramento to see Lauren, due to the rain, we rescheduled to Sunday. Mary sent a wonderful message praising the coffee roasting I sent their way, and they are now my first client. GSM Coffee Roasting is now "a thing", sorta. I roasted a pound at the same relative profile and dropped it off in the afternoon. Jen, Tommy and I took out the old dishwasher and installed the new one. It got complicated and frustrating; too many cooks and assorted issues with the machine not working. I ended up accepting that we would benefit from having a technician that knows what they are doing come and do it right. That's scheduled for Monday. Lauren decided to take the train down and visit overnight and tomorrow. I love having her here, and getting to spend time together.

An early rise, a good morning start including a Banyon meditation as well. I want to get back into deepbow online or jikoji in person next week. I enjoyed testing out FSD on the Tesla it's such an evolutionary step. The car drove me all the way to Los Gatos and back. put a good chunk of my day into getting things setup for our wine tasting with several neighborhood friends. It was a great evening. We are so fortunate. Wendy nailed her Silver Oak, although Wright Station did make her waver ever so slightly and momentarily.

An Open Book

Over the last week or two, I have had conversations arise with people about what they had read here when I had no idea they knew this site existed.

Many years ago, I consciously hid this after a direct report referenced a post's content in a meeting, and I suddenly felt compromised and exposed. I share a great deal of intimate personal reflections here. I would willingly share most of these things with my closest friends, yet I consider some of these writings very revealing and personal, and there's an instinctual impulse to hide, constrain and protect. But, from what?

The aptly named "Dog Vomit" or "Scrambled Egg" Slime Mold

I made a point of getting up and back into my usual habits, including meditation, sun exposure, reading and setting a tone for my day. Tommy extended an invite to breakfast at L. G. Cafe, which, although disruptive to the routine, is also a relatively routine thing. I rolled with it. My teeth cleaning went well. I love that I can walk there and back. I attended part one of a two-part Compassion and Choice online conference, which was inspiring. I picked up coffee from Martin, and I think I am ready to start distributing beans now that I have worked out my roasting process. I also made a run to Palo Alto to pick up the dual outlet owner for the dishwasher. The latest Temu order arrived with the solar bug lights in place. It got up to 80° today, which is insane for April. Welcome to the new normal! I am expecting a very warm summer. Jen proposed a short stay in Paso at our usual spot, so we contacted Lisa and got a stellar deal for a 3-night stay. We closed the evening off with a nice walk together sans canines. I'm now offsetting the earlier heat by enjoying a crisp Sauvignon Blanc on the patio in a pleasant evening temperature with the firepit on returns a net positive. There's a lesson in there. You have to find it yourself.

The past few days have revolved significantly around my learning-curve related to the Tesla. I believe I have a strong grip on the basics. It certainly is an amazing drive. And a massive paradigm shift, too. I have a backlog of action-items and to-do tasks lined up for the next few days. I managed to tackle a few things like Tommy's taxes, dishwasher parts, and simplifying my mom's home network configuration to hope­fully eliminate some of her intermittent connection issues. I went to a debate tonight on the morality of assisted dying. I'll write something more detailed later but in a nutshell, my opinion was not impacted, it was reinforced.

I had a nice morning Saturday meeting a former Care2 colleague for coffee before going to triage my mom's home network issues. Tommy passed his EMT finals and got certified. We took him to Hero Ranch to celebrate. I messed around more in the being with Tesla research and getting caught up in trying to format the flash drive for FLAC support. I got it working. The sound in that car is so worth the effort this takes. Today Jen saw Mary for breakfast and then she and I went wine tasting. We loved Wrights Station and joined as it will give us another local option for summer dates and outings with friends.

"Rusty's in the club!"

Highlights: The Death Cafe went exceptionally well. I was more comfortable and confident than ever before, and I think my sincerity is my strength there. This was a turning point. As was the pickup and transition to a Tesla. A long-desired move, now pensively met with learning curves and irrational anxiety about having to stop and charge. It's just a new way of doing things, smarter. Sous Vide steaks were the last of the lavender versions and were not well received. The new BMW tire that was going flat on day two? The one I inspected and triaged without finding anything? Costco allegedly found a screw in it and fixed it, but I'm not convinced that was the case due to how it was conveyed, but whatever. It'll be sold soon unless Jen/I agree to keep it for now and return to a two-vehicle lifestyle. I'm not sure that's wise right now. I will install the dishwasher this weekend.

Highlights: One more "so many things! "day comes to a close. In keeping with the theme of highlights: Getting up early, without an alarm, but via the "SAD" lamp instead. It feels so much more natural, and it truly is an excellent way to wake up peacefully. Mom was in bad shape, emotionally, this morning due to ongoing sleep issues. She seemed better when I left her, and she has 'Ambian" for sleep now. I saw Rachel, our go-to at Chase, in order to be added to the Jikoji business account. I also bought the Tesla Y from Terek at Apple after Tommy showed me the post of it last night. (Jikoji and Chase are NOT related.) I put down $1k and moved funds from high-yield savings while getting the BMW sold. I'm excited about the move, even though it'll take time to manage the usual routine residual tasks. Jen had a "girl's night in" while Jess, Jonathan and I had dinner at Magianno's. Tommy picked up the C. L. dishwasher, so there is a weekend task waiting for me. Rich called to confirm tomorrow's "Death Cafe" at the Forum, and it feels good to have an opportunity to improve my confidence.

Highlights: Checked off a slew of action items. I confirmed that the front right tires still got a slow leak and did a full triage effort ala the service station routine (jacked up and sprayed with soapy water). Chase wouldn't help me with the Jikoji banking needs without an appointment, and I had to make one for Costco to fix the tire two weeks out! Seriously? I'll drop in tomorrow if time allows; they're brand new, so, yeah, squeeze me back in, guys. I spent time managing Jikoji reservation system changes for the upcoming Somatic movement attendees. It's always an 80/20 thing with stuff like that. The solution is an improvement, but there are still gaps and limitations. I also whipped up a draft newsletter to send tomorrow if all goes well. I also started documenting things I do and how, because I want to start backing out of this role; it's time to focus on other priorities. I had more fun today with the Yoga ball by patching and over-inflating it. Lucky's hilarious when he's trying to climb on it. Other accomplishments included loading the next dirt haul into the green bins, coordinating the dishwasher purchase/pickup and clearing space in the garage, and joining the Banyan orientation call.
Gratitudes: Tommy called me after failing a test that he passed on the second attempt. It was meaningful to me that he felt confident and wanted to call for support. He got it.

My latest coffee roast is spot-on. The "tire pressure low" issue Monday night did not resurface, but I am watching for it. The coffee roaster part is already on its way, and my triage and resolve worked well. I set up Tommy's hockey gear stand, including a stick caddy. Mornings in the purple chair by the window are perfect. Except for the chair itself. Thanks to Mark's helpful heads-up, I snagged a large yoga ball (free) on the street and Let Lucky at it. It was flat within 2 minutes, but they were fun ones. As was the walk with Jonathan, and the Farkel with Lauren last night, CatdzMania with the usual suspects, talking to Julia after day one of treatment then hearing from David today that #2 went much better, driving with Tommy to see "lake-bed Vasona" (it's been drained and I suspect at least one of the pairs of glasses found to be Lauren's). I wrapped up tonight briefly reclining outside, "Ballad of a Dying Man" playing on the AirPod Max's as my eyes adjusted to the point of seeing a modestly decent amount of stars for our night sky. Sirius-ly.