Today's modest victory was in accessing the Kindle Direct Publishing and Amazon accounts. I talked to and coordinated with Hogan on next-steps to manage twice as many and man, is it fun to watch. Jen's face was a joy to witness as they flew all around her. A second feeder should arrive this week. Coffee with JS was good - I ended up arriving early enough to get an extra long walk in. Jen worked with Tommy on setting up a budget as he looks at his school plans. It's a great opportunity to get insight and to learn how to manage money. We all learn from experience and mistakes. I was 10kt in dept twice in my 20's. His unpaid internship is causing some issues but we're going to work with him to help him get through this semester and balance things out.

It's been a pleasant weekend, from the satisfaction of having taken a blower to the backyard, to the fun of mornings on the patio with hummingbirds, a bike ride or two, and time with Jen. Sunset Boulevard has never been as good as it was tonight. Tommy's been doing so well. It's fascinating to reflect on how his actions and behavior have changed while also looking at the root cause of the behaviors that were so intensely difficult. It was likely as complicated for him as it was for me, his mom, and his sister. How much of it was due to judgment and oppression, assumptions of poor character, and anticipation of being a 'bad kid'? Jesus. Trying to sort and sift through the emotions and experiences of a lifetime can take as long.

Sitting below a hummingbird feeder capable of simultaneously feeding five while one expends its energy chasing others away poetically illustrates the trappings of a scarcity mindset.

Sometimes the craziest shit happens and I just scratch my head and wonder how all of these things can transpire with such synchronicity. It really is like writing a book in real time. The day started with joining the morning Zazen and then taking time to clean the barbecue. It was a gross disgusting mess of grease, dust, dirt and probably some raccoon DNA. I got it cleaned up and ready for use for the remainder of the summer. Summers are getting longer. Thank you global warming (I guess). I then jumped on the weekly planning call and followed that with a board meeting, where I voiced strong concerns regarding plans to upgrade some existing space into livable quarters for residents expected in the months ahead. I wasn't comfortable with the risks regarding permitting violations. We came to a compromised agreement regarding the plans and my initiating a site code review for retroactive permits. After that, I ended up trying to resolve a long standing issue with a legacy podcast account associated to an unknown phone and an unknown email. One hour and three tech-support levels later, I had no resolution. Most of my day was spent focused on tasks of this nature. It took a lot of effort to not get discouraged and to recognize these obstacles as challenges to navigate, not begrudge. Meanwhile, Jen grilled some steaks for us and also made the chicken sun-dried tomato artichoke dish which we took to my mom's for dinner. We had a wonderful dinner with her and lots of good conversation. When I got back home, I started working on further tech hurdles and tasks. Only to learn that earlier in the day a violation notice regarding code compliance was received on-site! It's stunning to imagine that this morning I was voicing concerns around the risks that were dismissed as unlikely, only to end the day with an actual documented infringement notice. It's incomprehensible yet poetically ironic. I could not make this up. It's just happening. And that's fine. It's forcing a hand that was already heading in the appropriate direction anyway. We have various theories and suspicions regarding the source of the complaint being filed that triggered this, but that doesn't matter. It's not within our control to manage anything beyond our response. The scheduled work will be deferred and the permits will be addressed. We will exit this experience resigned to ensure we are not exposed to compromised again. This is a growth opportunity and a chance to walk the talk.

We went to "Black Sheep Brasserie" in Willow Glen for dinner on Tommy tonight. Sort of. He got two gift cards from Talon for his Birthday. From North Carolina. For a single-owner restaurant in Willow Glen, Califonia. We discussed it as we arrived, surmising that they were re-gifts, which it turns out they were. In the meantime, we found that the restaurant had changed owners and could not process the cards, but they worked out a deal with us. Their space was open and pleasant, and the food was good, particularly the burger. The Brussels and cheese stuffed olives were good, too, delicious, while neither floored me. Earlier this morning, I transported my mom to and from her latest round of treatments. Her bloodwork was so good that Tommy reached out to comment on that after seeing them come through online. She and I agreed that this routine is stable for the time being. Yet, at dinner tonight with Jen and Tommy, I started to reflect on the inevitable with more dread than usual. It takes balancing emotions and reality, and I'm glad to be conscious of that most of the time. Well, part of it, anyway. I returned to the bike mirror task, worked through a rusted screw issue with relative patience and determination, moved the lever, realigned the mirrors and took it for a short spin. It'll be a lot more useful now. I scheduled an appointment with Stanford to discuss the neck issues next week. I'm hoping to fast-track surgery before EOY. On the way home from dinner, Tommy, who was quite pleasant and connected all evening, shared some insights into his working through the loss of his mom and his gratitude for the home we've made together with Jen. It was a rewarding moment. More on that elsewhere and when.

...Wes WHO? - we saw "This Gun for Hire" & "Scarlett Street" this weekend.

Early morning breakfast with Tommy (my treat) talking about stress and balance. He's shared a few things lately, about stress, doubt, his mom. He's opening up. Wow. Took the Tesla to Costco for tire rotation and ran into the neighbor who's in a wheelchair that I have always been curious about. Of course her name escapes me NOW but, we had a nice chant. Went to "The Forum" for the meeting with Compassin and Choices thinking Kim would be there but Mark and Angela were instead. I'm so glad I went. I want to go deeper in this arena. I rolled out the revised volunteer sheet with 'clustered' emails based on interests. I am quite proud of that simple task after spending hours trying to get it right. I started testing some Quickbooks stuff around projects AND wrote an email to the board about unpermitted site work. That's a challenge. I am so glad i've kept writing almost daily, all these years. It's been rewarding and i've captured history in a way I could never easily revisit. I'm considering changing some of my daily journal practices. Again. But won't stop any time soon.

Mindset: Focused on the day with Jen.
Goals: Tackling some household chores.
Anticipation: Going to Stanford for a volleyball game.

Mindset: Irritation. My issues were severe last night and painful. I have not ridden the bike for a while yet, so I suspect it's like the Matson-Move injury—slow healing. I also had a subpar GNO, wherein I felt little or no interest in trying to express my own thoughts and opinions. It was an off night. My head is elsewhere these days.
Goals: decrease obligations and distractions. Focus on myself. My business. My peace. My writing.

Mindset: Determined.
Goals: Leverage my increased confidence and spin up site content and printed material for distribution.
Anticipation: GNO.
Wants: A refined, focused, achievable task list.

Happy 8th Adoptiversary!

It was overnight that I realized the sheet was ripped. It's a sign of aging. I need to clip my toenails more often. it seems. My effort to replace the kitchen light switch failed-the new one has the same "buzz" issue. It twill be returned and I will switch them to non-dimming as it's not needed. I continued with home-work when I tackled the air filter grates. My god, they were disgusting! it took the power washer at every angle to clean the whole-house fan vent. I went to the monthly "C & C" volunteer update and really engaged. I felt it, the power and the potential in going forward, beyond my comfort zone. Only, that zone is widening. My mom's dr appointment online went well. till find myself annoyed by he struggles with technology. What the fuck, Geoff? knock that shirt off. You'll regret not doing so. en and I ran and got all the goods to make dog food. More house- husband need ahead. I'll be making it tomorrow. Oh, and today I learned that the guitar is much older than the piano. Who knew?

Mindset: Not good. Angry. Bitter. Resentful. Why? Perhaps it was how Jennifer's frustrations with "locking doors at night" boiled over in conversation last night. Dealing with Tommy's ODD landmines also makes for an unpleasant home. I must admit to being an equal contributor to frustration and tension when the simplest thing such as the dog wanting up or my need to manage his safety in order to just refill my coffee illicites signs and grumbles of inconvenience on my part. I also feel like I am doing nothing of substance surrounding my need to gain traction on starting a business. The sense of failure is self inflicted - not doing anything is failing at the outset. I know this yet I also have low/no confidence at the moment. Well, not "no" but I am too quick to disness all I have been doing and involved in.
Goals: Be more present and proud of the last year, the Death Cafe's, volunteering, the zen work and board position-the time and effort going into my mom's needs. There is really a lot going on. Own that and do not discount it.
Anticipation: Coffee with Bonnie. I don't know what to expect. It will interesting.
Wants: To be comfortable with any situation and not let the opinion or feelings of others prevent me from being authentic and honest.

Highlights: Six people attended the morning Zazen, and we all sat in regardless of the absence of Jikoji. That was reinforcing. My visit with my mom was pleasantly challenging and rewarding all at once. It was a conscious effort not to guide or dominate the conversation, and I let her drive it. She has a lot of anger. It can relate. It's an ongoing effort to stay aware of all I have and how little I need and let resentment at perceived wrongs be a powerful force. Today was relatively unproductive. Most days are. I need to engage in something more productive that gets me out of the house and away from technology.

Mindset: Ambivalence. Without explanation or defense. Are ambivalence and acceptance not redundancy?
Goals: Realign with intentions and prioritize time and tasks.
Anticipation: A sense of progress.
Wants: A balance between self-interest and self awareness.

I rode the e-bike to Leigh for the rummage sale. Ran into mark with his friend William who he was neighbor's with in this youth and we talked about our mutual efforts helping aging parents clear 50 & years of aquisition And I expect someday my kids will do the same, As my mom and her sister did with that mother. How universal this experience is. How universal life's experiences are. Helped a guy and his nephew with the car chargers at Leigh. Tonight we went to Stanford Theatre to see "Double Indemnity" and "Mildred Pierce". Both excellent and made better by on enthusiastic audience.

Mindset: A little regret for having failed to stick to some diet-related goals, while accepting of the nature of the circumstances. Still, it's on me to have the discipline needed to succeed or fail. Either is my choice.
Goals: Realign with the plan and intention.
Anticipation: Volleyball & Stanford Theater.
Wants: To relax more and maintain a realistic reasonable balance between doing and being.

David and Julia left this morning. I was sincerely grateful they stayed one more night. I even hugged him in the morning and said so. He's a talker and a storytellerwho, like me, can wax poetic for longer than our audience might endure. And that's... OK. Although we still have independent outlooks and opinions, harmony exists at a foundational level that seems to have been poured over the past years. Maybe wisdom is a factor. Whatever the case, it was a good visit, and I am inspired to consider a road trip soon. It appears that my questioning Lindsey's "domestic partners" reference at dinner Wednesday night per a text she sent. I clarified my meaning, but three root issues remain a concern. Being in need of something external as a validation of your worth, marriage is not an "accomplishment" and does not result in happiness. That is a "constructed" concept. So much time is spent in pursuit of acceptance from everyone but yourself, the only one that has value, that appreciates, in every meaning of the word.

Mindset: Balanced. Dinner last night at Pano was good. Ryan, Lindsey, Julia, David, Tommy, Jen and I. Mom had a pinched nerve and pain from sleeping poorly so she bowed out. As Idid for the Sesshin this week, as David/Julia opted to stay another day.
Goals: Continued time with my brother and mom.
Anticipation: My volunteer screening call from EndWellProject.

Mindset: Gratitude, of course. Don't you know me by now? Okay, fine; yes, it's circumstantial and subject to change. But with a healthy and realistic perspective, gratitude should be a consistent baseline.
Goals: Enjoy the day and the opportunity to have my brother and wife with us.
Anticipation: Tonight's dinner, the dynamic, and observing Tommy's engagement in an environment he tends to thrive in.
Wants: to comfortably accept others without judgement while calmly and confidently representing the values and ideals of my own daily practice.

Mindset: lazy. I just don't wanna do anything. Maybe I'm in a rut. But David arrives today (and Julia) so I have some things to manage at the house and getting things ready while Jennifer works. Totally reasonable. Not her soul responsibility to manage the house. House has his own deck :-).
Goals: pretty simple really. Fix up the guestroom (Lauren's room – it's still hard not to call it that). And with whatever downtime I can finagle I hope to get some more writing done about the book.
Anticipation: anticipation always something good? I mentioned previously having apprehension surrounding the concept of My politically opposition (beliefs and Demeter) in the night of the debate. So I anticipate I need to ignore deflect or avoid conflict with Grace humility dignity and for a change, I sense of defiant stance regarding my impressions of one of the two individuals running for office as being a petulant, childish immature, unprofessional wreck with no regard for anything other than his own self-esteem.
Wants: a repeat of the tone and demeanor of my brothers, previous visit where far more connection and understanding was experienced

Highlights: One of the event coordinators for this year's "End Well Project" conference contacted me today about my desire to volunteer. We will be talking on Thursday to discuss things further. I sent the summary of board motions around financial revisions to Jikoji and am awaiting replies. Jen was onsite at Intel today. I treated Tommy to breakfast. He seems to be opening up to me, but I am trying not to fall into a place of expectations as a protective measure. My mom's struggles with brain fog recently have worsened, and I attribute this to her having added new medication into the mix from an unrelated primary care appointment. She is stopping them. David and Julia arrive tomorrow, so I have work to do in the morning to prep the guest room. Their visit falling simultaneously with the presidential debate makes me nervous. I don't want to go there. I hope we do not.

Mindset: Distant. Quiet. Removed. All in a resigned but not negative manner.
Goals: Further prep for David and Julia's upcoming coming - moved the bed last night and resolved the squeaking, I think.
Anticipation: Writing.
Wants: i'd like to get out, go for a long walk in nature. "Be".

Highlights: Setting everything up the night before made getting up and out to Jikoji relatively easy. I even got a quick shower in. Zarin wasa challenge. I've not been as focused as being onsite requires when joining via Zoom. It was a reminder of my need/desire to clear distractions. The morning meeting ran LONG but I appreciated all of the dialog isossiors and planning, I made it out just in time to meet Marlin at Taba Taba Chinese Bistro in Los Gatos. It's a true "hole in the wall" tucked to the side of Main St Burgers. The conversation was broad and left me feeling grateful that we have stayed in touch. The afternoon was spent acting on some action items. Ten madness an awesome tip and we went to see "The Maltese Falcon" at the Stanford as they kicks off their "Film Noir Festival. As has been the case on every instance prior, over some 40 years, a film I have seen. repeatedly on video is a richer experience in this venue. I hadtears of' on as the credits rolled, simply for the joy of being able to have such an experience.

Insight: It's time to start loving the success I have yet to experience. My reality is fully within my control. The avoidance now has a cause - imposter syndrome. A lack of confidence in my skill and readiness to be a qualified professional and focused consultantans advisor. Yet I can and already am doing this. Daily. With my family and friends. The self-doubt is an outdated and unproductive mindset that has failed me repeatedly. Abdicating potential as a way to avoid the disappointment of failure while inaction itself is absolute failure.

Highlights: A productive call with Katie and Judy reviewing and discussing opportunities to simplify the complexity around accounting and cost analysis. Initiated action and made calls to attend to a few medical and financial needs.Took a pleasant evening walk with Jennifer and discussed opinions surrounding "the red hand files" #300 question about finding "Joy".

Insights: My hosting last night of Jon's iniated effort to get together with friends was rewarding. The tone and tempo was subdued while sincere and all seemed to have been comfortably engaged. It was one of those moments when I paused and recognized how fortunate I feel to have a group of friends with varied histories and overlapping connections. It is indeed a source of Joy.

Mindset: Calm. Again. Yet as was the unstated case yesterday, it's less contentment than acceptance. I am where I am by choice and through deliberate deliberation. I know where I want to be. I just need to overcome imposter syndrome.

Mindset: Introspective.
Goals: Quickbooks forensics.
Anticipation: Friends gathering.
Wants: to prioritize exercise.