Why am I SO compelled to have to put on a happy face and pretend to be interested in conversations or feedback or opinions of others? Or to entertain their opinions or exceptions of me as being warranted or valid.?
There are times when somebody starts a conversation and my head is elsewhere or I’m in the middle of something and I just don’t feel comfortable saying “I’m sorry this is not a good time”. Because it’s rude. At least I think if I said it, it’s rude, but if somebody politely said that to me I believe I’d accept it without taking offense and I’d understand.
But i feel like a shit if I do it. I feel like a shit any time i choose what I want or feel over what somebody else wants or feels. But i’m learning not to.
I’ve watched some interesting video’s on youtube about death and last words and final thoughts. The thing considered the number one / highest regret is living your life for other people instead of for yourself. Yet it's sort of what were taught to do. To be polite. To listen. To “give of yourself for others”. Yet where does one draw the line?
Sometimes I just want to tell people that their opinions are not the sole truth of the world. That they don't know everything or have all the answers. I’ve spent so much time being on the receiving end of opinions and I’ve long felt like any time I don’t consider that I might be wrong, I risk missing out on learning a truth. BUT at the same time I’m beginning to realize that truth is frequently subjective, such as in politics or media or religious experiences. Belief and truth are often confused to be the same.
I'm trying hard to focus my consciousness on three key goal. I'm still trying to massage the statement of these goals to perfection. It's hard narrowing down three goals to hold present in your daily conscious thoughts. It means that you're not really narrowing them down, you're making broad statements to cover a lot of ground. For example, one of my goals is to focus on my health. Not just my physical health but mental health as well. And mental health include happiness. And happiness includes time set aside to relax, time to focus on things that make me feel good, feel accomplishment, and making time spent with people friends focused on those relationships encourage and support and accept me unconditionally.
Regardless of theirs or my truths. These feel like the people with whom I can be honest and direct, and the people who’s presence will be reflected on in my final moments as having contributed to my happiness and not to regret.