Tuesday, August 09, 2022
The "posture" pillow and the CBD backfired. The night was another difficult one. I think it's more than the physical issues; it's mental. It's the stress of Lauren leaving, Jen's job, my stalled ability to further work on the garage and house, and more. Tommy went begrudgingly to the counselor, finally, and hasn't said a word to me all day, so the silent treatment is my reward for trying to do something to get him the help I know he needs. And he and I need if we're going to have anything in the realm of a healthy relationship, but that may be decades away. Time I don't necessarily have. It's hard to imagine Lauren being gone and I'm so routinely moved by her and Jen's rapport and relationship. It's a marvel to witness, as it is still to reflect on the path that led here. I want to write all about it someday, but there's no such day on the calendar and I, for now, have lost the drive to do so. I feel like I've changed a lot in the past 2-3 years, in some ways good and others, well, less spontaneous and less optimistic. Maybe that comes with the territory. It's looking like I won't be going to Washington in September as planned, but I will roll with it. It is what it is. Last night's concert was high, today was a crashing low, but perhaps a show and a Gabapentin will make for some much-needed rest. I want to wake up feeling more positive about doing so than I did today. I miss feeling a sense of enthusiastically taking on some challenge for the day.