I wonder on occasion if the moment that my life truly feels balanced, when existence seems to be in full alignment with the universe, where the joy not only offsets any and all pain and suffering, but any and all pain and suffering can be seen as joy too, might only occur at the moment preceding the last breath I take. As if solving this ultimate puzzle concludes the experience itself. Game over = you move on, immediately, to the next round, in whatever realm of existence that may be.
If that abstract concept might have any basis in reality, there have been a few moments when I felt on the brink of that level of awareness. Today was one of them.
All of the recent issues and annoyances, concerns, conflicts, challenges, worries, doubts, insecurities, and uncertainties all fell into place within the simple experience of a sunset following a full day of recognition of all that I have to be grateful for.
I possess over 64 years of experience and memories that touch every possible emotion. In many cases, more than one at once. Today included revisiting memories of Marlene & David, of Holly, and of growing pains that flare up as both Fogelberg and Joel songs surface on a drive, soundtracks to flashbacks. I went hiking with Lauren to a spot off the path to Yosemite Falls, a route we hiked to 10 years ago, a time in our lives when so many events were distantly anticipated, and others never imagined or expected at all. I spent the day exchanging texts and photos with Jennifer, the woman I married 6 years ago tomorrow, who's played an essential, pivotal, and positive role in all of our lives since that day forward. And I noted efforts and intentions, as well as the underlying angst and vulnerability around them, in my son's efforts to regain ground lost due to drama yet to be reconciled by time and life experiences for him.
As I sat photographing a sunset, I felt flooded by gratitude for every moment before this, nearly to the point of tears, and that I get to be here at all. That I've made it this far. That I've had so many life experiences of my own.
That I have the friends that I have spanning decades, a cast of supporting characters, and to have been the same in return.
That I have a simple home filled with complex history, vast and vivid memories, and a sense of deep attachment, happiness, and belonging.
That I live where I live and continue to visit such places as Yosemite, Monterey, Santa Cruz, Vasona, Sacramento, and more. Places holding history throughout not only my life, but for my kids' lives, too.
To have had both positive and seemingly negative experiences shape and define me. To recognize mistakes I have made and then learn from them. Mostly. To have grown through grief, insecurity, doubt, and angst. To work towards the realization that the things that don't go as I might have preferred are an opportunity to improve, evolve, and gain a more comprehensive perspective, while I can.
The more I embrace life as an opportunity and adventure, the more I value it. As each day ends, the gift of having the next day begin means I have another opportunity to experience more.