I've been experiencing an increasing amount of rage of late. Pure dense compacted explosive rage. It surfaced with Tommy earlier this week. It surfaced with my efforts to keep the peace when dealing with his treatment of his sister or just asking a simple question. It surfaced when I was working on swapping out the doorknobs at Panorama and found that there was not a single Phillips head screwdriver to be found. (They're there, I'm sure, but not where they should be and nowhere obvious. It's infuriating and triggering). It's really bad for me to be back in that hell hole nightmare clusterfuck pit of despair and disrepair. It all comes back to me and I literally shake after a while with anxiety and discomfort. Turning that place around is going to take a lot of effort and take a lot out of me on the way. My irritation is seeping into relationships too. Technology isn't helping either, because when it's not working and taking time daily to jiggle handles and tweak things, I feel the loss of the time it was intended to save being spent instead of trying to make it work. We're all beta testers, no matter what version we're told it is. I just need a break from being in a constant situation where I have competing demands on my time and attention. It feels like everybody assumes I'm idly waiting for something, please God anything, to fix or accomplish for them because I have nothing I want or need to accomplish of my own. Days and weeks and months are passing by as desires and goals go unmet and unfulfilled just so somebody else gets their needs met. I'm over it now, but man I can get really frustrated at times. It's not who I think I am deep down but I also expect it's how others see me, my kids, especially. That's nothing I want or am proud of.
Thursday, October 07, 2021
All The Rage
I've been experiencing an increasing amount of rage of late. Pure dense compacted explosive rage. It surfaced with Tommy earlier this week. It surfaced with my efforts to keep the peace when dealing with his treatment of his sister or just asking a simple question. It surfaced when I was working on swapping out the doorknobs at Panorama and found that there was not a single Phillips head screwdriver to be found. (They're there, I'm sure, but not where they should be and nowhere obvious. It's infuriating and triggering). It's really bad for me to be back in that hell hole nightmare clusterfuck pit of despair and disrepair. It all comes back to me and I literally shake after a while with anxiety and discomfort. Turning that place around is going to take a lot of effort and take a lot out of me on the way. My irritation is seeping into relationships too. Technology isn't helping either, because when it's not working and taking time daily to jiggle handles and tweak things, I feel the loss of the time it was intended to save being spent instead of trying to make it work. We're all beta testers, no matter what version we're told it is. I just need a break from being in a constant situation where I have competing demands on my time and attention. It feels like everybody assumes I'm idly waiting for something, please God anything, to fix or accomplish for them because I have nothing I want or need to accomplish of my own. Days and weeks and months are passing by as desires and goals go unmet and unfulfilled just so somebody else gets their needs met. I'm over it now, but man I can get really frustrated at times. It's not who I think I am deep down but I also expect it's how others see me, my kids, especially. That's nothing I want or am proud of.