Mindset: Hesitant anticipation. Something's on the horizon. I am sensing it and have been for awhile. I have a feeling something is 'just around the corner'. I entered 2021 feeling a similar intuition and 2 months into it, learned of Linda's tumor. But what is intuition and when to you discount or honor a gut feeling? I woke with a series of swirling thoughts, each feeling interconnected to each other in an abstract way, and I'm wondering what it's going to lead to. Or more accurately, what I'm going to do with it - how I'm going to respond. One of the thoughts in my half-waking state was a 1st person sense of leaning forward on a cliff, akin to taking a leap of faith, but perhaps influenced by a post on a separate blog with a similar image. I do feel like I'm leaning in both introspectively and amongst friends, and in my own yet-to-be-fully-engaged intentions to build out an end-of-life consulting practice. Maybe that's part of it. The time I've put into meditation and Jikoji feels balancing and balanced but I want to focus on other options too. The time I'm considering putting into "deep bow" feels like a great pairing of ideas and ideals, but I'm also mindful of my motives. Jen is supportive but not taking every step in unison, which is fine, but at what point might our paths diverge in a manner that threatens our alignment and harmony? I"m not worried, just consiously considerate of that. I care about what I have with her being health and nurtured. Speaking of attention, another thought this morning was questioning my true intentions. The message from Toni brought up a sense of introspection about the origins of the action I took that severed our friendship. I've blamed Linda for putting pressure on me to sever the ties, but that's disingenuous - I was growing in a different direction and not feeling connected or in harmony with that relationship at that time. I just could have and should have managed it better, and I own that. I own everything, really, when it comes to response, pressured or not. Considering my current paths, and the value I find in the communities I've become engaged with, I want to be present, authentic while doing so. I don't want to smile and nod in agreement. I don't want to default to seeking acceptance and validation. I want to ask questions, contemplate and most importantly, be honest about what does or does not resonate or 'work' for me. All without turning away from an opportunity to grow. I guess it all comes back down to 'nature' and 'response'. All I can control is my response, really. And it's in that space that I want to balance being open-minded but not "disingenuous".
Goals: I want to 'hunker down' today and work all day on the backlog of documents, paperwork and action items I've let pile up. That will require saying NO to whatever surfaces as a new-shiny things I might otherwise chase.
Anticipation: Music in the Park.
Wants: Whatever's coming up, if something is 'on the horizon' as I mentioned, I want to meet with grace and acceptance and navigate well.
