I've been floundering. Stalled. Blocked. I have options and opportunities opening up for me to pursue a service offering facilitating EOL planning and crossing into the more mindful and contemplative areas of simply confronting and embracing mortality as a way in which to live more fully. I feel a solid attachment to topics, a calling perhaps, yet I need to take more aggressive steps toward establishing and practicing this as a business.
Why am I dragging my feet?
Why am I not going full bore and head first as I have with projects like Confetti, the "Cultivate" reports for Care2, or my work on the Jikoji website, newsletters, and GoogleWorkspace setup?
I would like, very much, to continue working on something that really 'feeds my soul' versus just dialing it in, working without feeling engaged, invested or excited about what I am doing. According to my "Time Left" app, I have another 15 years to spend here. I want it to be 'fruitful' in providing for myself and others in some greater capacity than being a cog in a high-tech wheel focused on earnings and growth.
When asked where my heart is regarding the type of work I can do, the first thought wasn't filling out advanced directives, wills and burial wishes. It's really in two places: writing and building teams.
I am humbly aware of what a good job I can do to build a team. My strength for years has been fostering collaboration, autonomy, accountability, and a sense of engagement. I once considered getting into 'leadership coaching' as a service. Still, I know all too well what an uphill battle being an external entity brought into a business to help foster improvements can be. I've been on both sides, and it's not 'fun' at all.
I have always loved writing. I have a few ideas for screenplays and novels germinating for years if not decades. In many ways, my earlier blog writings indicated the directions I might go.
My obsession with mortality, impermanence, mindfulness... these more profound, broader topics have been a component of my interests for some time but came into greater focus over the past several years, prior even to Linda's diagnosis, but certainly being amplified and emphasized by that experience. Dramatically.
Another thought we discussed yesterday was my desire to find a balance between the relatively "whoo hoo" aspects of awareness and introspection with the straightforward, simple, logical concepts behind managing all of your actions and reactions with the idea of death as an inevitability and as a core influence of how big a deal whatever comes your way might be over time. The flat tire, excessive utility bill, job loss, spilled milk, and even the death of a loved one all have a distinct impact and place when seen in the perspective of significance after your own time concludes.
Incorporating such a conscious awareness and perspective each day is my strongest pull, my most gratifying practice and something I would like to continue contemplating, sharing, challenging, and promoting. But can that pay the bills, and do I have the confidence to pursue that to make a living?
I need to 'get over' thinking, start doing, or revisit and reconsider my interest in this path.