James was buried today in Madronia, in the space intentionally bought and held for him, shared with his Father, who was buried there over 20yrs ago. I was there for his Father's burial, instrumental in much of the undertakings (poorly timed pun intended) of that day that fell dramatically between the engagement and subsequent marriage to his sister, my now ex-wife. His story is a broad and complicated one, and during the time our lives intertwined, I wrestled with the positive aspects of a familial and at times good-friend aspects of our relationship, but also with frustration, confusion and irritation at the way the dynamics existed within their families lives and interactions.
I wasn't invited to Jay's service. If I understood correctly, the specific term used was "That man is not coming anywhere near this", or something of that general nature and tone. I'm OK with that for several reasons. I'm persona-non-grata in the Patterson clan, considered a snake, a betrayer, all without any fact-checking or ability to defend myself. All while remaining present, engaged and all while paying 100% of their living expenses. Yet, my former niece and nephew have been told they'll be disowned if they talk to me, by multiple siblings, too. And the last thing I would ever want to do would be to show up and cause any sort of upset or anger or distraction from the recognition of James's life amongst his family. That's exactly what my presence would bring.
When I left the marriage I wrote a short simple email to Jay. I simply said "Thanks" for being a part of my life and for good memories, and that I recognized and respected that an allegiance was expected and forthcoming. His response was as simple, saying thanks for reaching out and best wishes going forward. That was it. And that was about 6 years ago if I recall correctly. In the time since then he's been 'at death's door' on multiple occasions, managing to have survived about 3 times the projected life span his kidney/pancreas transfer bought him in the late 90's, before we met. I remember celebrating a 5 year milestone at Le Papillon in Saratoga, and the 10 year point too, and numerous other memories, high and low, throughout the years.
I'm sad that my perceived "cons" so overwhelm my numerous "pros" to the point that I'm dispensable. But I will fully admit no surprise. My path and my choices carry with it both loss and conflict. I knew going into this that the outcome could be this. I'd just hope it need not. That was only wishful thinking.
I wasn't invited to Jay's service. If I understood correctly, the specific term used was "That man is not coming anywhere near this", or something of that general nature and tone. I'm OK with that for several reasons. I'm persona-non-grata in the Patterson clan, considered a snake, a betrayer, all without any fact-checking or ability to defend myself. All while remaining present, engaged and all while paying 100% of their living expenses. Yet, my former niece and nephew have been told they'll be disowned if they talk to me, by multiple siblings, too. And the last thing I would ever want to do would be to show up and cause any sort of upset or anger or distraction from the recognition of James's life amongst his family. That's exactly what my presence would bring.
When I left the marriage I wrote a short simple email to Jay. I simply said "Thanks" for being a part of my life and for good memories, and that I recognized and respected that an allegiance was expected and forthcoming. His response was as simple, saying thanks for reaching out and best wishes going forward. That was it. And that was about 6 years ago if I recall correctly. In the time since then he's been 'at death's door' on multiple occasions, managing to have survived about 3 times the projected life span his kidney/pancreas transfer bought him in the late 90's, before we met. I remember celebrating a 5 year milestone at Le Papillon in Saratoga, and the 10 year point too, and numerous other memories, high and low, throughout the years.
I'm sad that my perceived "cons" so overwhelm my numerous "pros" to the point that I'm dispensable. But I will fully admit no surprise. My path and my choices carry with it both loss and conflict. I knew going into this that the outcome could be this. I'd just hope it need not. That was only wishful thinking.
Nor was it that my kids would be targeted. For whatever reasons, their 50+ year old adult uncle completely shunned them. He literally cried heavily at the service over the loss of the brother he has not spoken to for years, while snubbing his sister and her kids too. Let me say that again… he wept and lamented the lose of a family member he had completely removed himself from, intentionally… while snubbing another family member.
Am I the only one that see's this as being absolute insanity?