I suspect a crucial point for me to retain, made by Hogan, is to stay curious and aware of the experience of sitting and attempting to be as present as possible. Tap into that. Consider what is left when you release control, and let go of thoughts about the past and the future. Amen. I took a walk around the grounds since it was sunny out. I got some photos and confirmed that the trails within and outside the grounds are blocked by fallen trees. I moved what I could. The Sky Link internet connection is down, so I am again focused on reading and writing. I am hugely grateful to have this time to spend on introspection, mindfulness and self-care. It's been an incredible gift. I will start thinking more about the impending return to work and how to approach it with a mindset of success and balance.
It's a little crazy that I, someone who routinely laments the onslaught of demands and distractions as the reason I can not complete a book, write more or enjoy a relaxing day with no distractions or demands, can not seem to embrace and leverage being at a zen retreat with plenty of material to read and no external interruptions. I am as restless as can be. I am fighting every impulse to get in my car and go anywhere just to be doing something instead of using the time as a gift. One I gave to myself, at a monetary cost, to obtain what I now have. Time. Open, focused time. My agitation is primarily tied to staying "connected" and accessible. But that's absurd.
Yet I feel like I have an obligation to be accessible, and I also want to be sure we are coordinated for their visit tomorrow afternoon. The lack of internet connection isn't a big deal; if it requires doing so, I can always drive to men to a signal. But I also want to shop for wine in that little town by the coast or go to smart and final to buy paper "to-go "containers for the center's inventory. I know this is 10% useful and 90% avoidance. Avoidance of what? Why do I keep looking for things to fill my time instead of using this time as I intended? Perhaps for the same reason I find sitting in a meditative presence difficult. Conditioning Habit. Routine, Identity.
Fear, maybe.
Didn't I write above how I was going to Journal less?
I eventually caved into the nagging desire to drive ten minutes down the hill and get the limited communication needs I felt so strongly about managed while idling roadside past a 1-lane tree removal effort underway. But I took a weight off of me to have done so, a consequence others up here wrestled with as well! which in and of itself took a bit more weight off. And help me to comprehend again that I am asking and expecting too much of myself. Once I had returned, I could focus on the book I was reading intently for hours in front of a warming fire I maintained on the wood-burning stove. And just like that, I was where I wanted to be.
I realize more and more that my nature has become, if not always was, addicted to 'control, uncomfortable with inaction (as in being in a position of perpetual motion) and in some ways dependent on a sense of identity obtained by being constantly in demand, in need, in the middle of one thing while another awaits and yet another surfaces on the horizon.
Stopping this is hard. Just recognizing it at all has taken years, if not decades.
This leads to my P. M. Zazen. It was one of my best so far. I returned to my notes from my prior stay here and found a similar sentiment written on 2023-01-25. In that instant, I could stay mainly in the moment, like tonight. Tonight, though, I tried applying more attention to my breathing, based on a reference made this morning by Michael and on the Calm app's use of turning the mind to the breath by counting or thinking "in in in..." on the in breath and "out out out "on the out-breath. I did just that, and for about 70% or more of the time, I dodged all sorts of distracting tangential thoughts trying desperately to pull me down the rabbit hole. This was an encouraging accomplishment.
I have decided not to stay beyond Friday night. Friday mornings, Zazen will be the last for the week. There is none on Friday night, and Saturday is a monthly "Zazenki" session going all day with a much larger group. My goal was a week of daily sittings, and I will have achieved that. I am reaching a saturation point here, and I have appointments, plans and family I want to be with for the weekend.
I plan to continue to come to sit at least every Monday, hopefully on Thursdays as well. I like all of the staff. They are all genuine positive people who have influenced my efforts to find a calming space these past months. I plan to help with the weekly newsletter by collaborating with Michael on the tools and workflow. Depending on the event, I will likely come up for an occasional weekend session. I may come to help cook. And I want to attend the next board meeting.