Of course as soon as we would spot it and head in that direction the light would extinguish, and we would freeze in eager anticipation of the next glow, poised in position to pounce. My thoughts are the fireflies I impulsively and instinctually chase as they alite. My ideal mindset would be to marvel at the passing moment of light while remaining completely present within the stillness of the darkness.
Another thought I had relates to the idea of "not thinking ". A concept I have seen challenged. There can be no recognition of having no thoughts without the thought that is that recognition! So it seems instead the goal, again with the fireflies, is to be aware of and attentive to the darkness (using thought) but undistracted by the impulses to do otherwise. (Put the mayo jar down and back away, kicking the lid away from you.)
I had a pleasant morning talking with Nick, Luke, Amanda and Charles (Amanda's S. O.) in the smaller kitchen after Zazen. I brought the "remarkable z" tablet for Luke to try out. Charles and I talked about the "Before I Go" training and his own mother's age and avoidance. He would be interested in my help. I have a lot to focus on with my return to this path and I want to set some goals and milestones up for April.
I took Luke and his bike to S. J. Dirdon station so he could get a southbound train to Cambria with the intent of returning for the Saturday Zazenkai session. The drive down Hwy 9 was stunning. Snow-covered, Misty, massive downed trees cut up lined the cleared roadway. It was like driving in Tahoe, After dropping him I went home to see Jen and the dogs.
Today was her last day at Intel. It's been since January or before that her fate was known and she hasn't really worked a full day since, so it's not a dramatic shift overnight. But it's still final now, as final as anything can be. The good thing is that she recognizes how her circumstance is enabling her to take classes, read books, do homework and workbooks and work towards a future otherwise blocked by a 9-5 job's demands. I see the same in my own situation. The things I am doing and working on are because I took leave. Had I not, who knows what would be going on.
The evening sit went well. I will admit though that staying in the moment is still very hard to maintain, My mind so freely wanders off and onto narratives more than anything else. I still find myself composing a post or what I might say or do later or any number of ideas that pop up, instead of being present. I imagine snapping my fingers and saying ' 'Hey!" to myself. I follow my breath but lose track due to thoughts. I try body scans, shifting my vision and focal points, anything to be in the moment completely. A good example for reference would be a spectacular sunrise that makes me stop and see it with intense gratitude, or when my son hugs me and holds on well after I let go. Watching Lauren walk to the train with bittersweet pride and sadness. The way I look at Jennifer in rapt amazement is that we have one another. Those are all moments of complete utter presence and focus on absolutely nothing else but that. 30 minutes trying to sustain any of those moments would be impossible so perhaps I expect too much of myself. I will keep trying.