It’s been relayed by both of my children, on separate and multiple instances, that “comments” have been made about me that are not positive ones. It’s disheartening. I tend to rationalize and even forgive her for them, because I recognize how she sees all that’s transpired and how her processing of it is different than my own. Yet I’ve been told repeatedly by her that not once, ever, has she said anything negative about me at all to the kids. So who am I to believe?
One of the recurring comments being made by her to me lately has been that I have ‘taught’ my kids to disrespect her, and that my mom and girlfriend have disparaged her to them. That’s absolutely not been the case. There has been conscious aggressive awareness of the need to not do so. There are defensible explanations for each of the accusations she makes, as well as a certainty that, if asked how I talk about her, the kids would support my position as having been about them being respectful, considerate, and kind in all their interactions with her.
They themselves have conveyed their own frustrations and challenges, and I respond to those with supportive understanding of their having their own feelings, but also remind them that I too might be cause for them to have frustrations and challenges they convey to others, that parents and children don’t always see eye-to-eye, and that regardless of our respective differences, she’s still their mother, loves them, and even wanted them far more than I did prior to their birth.
I’ve spent 6 years feeling like a bad person. I’ve written about it enough that there’s no point in repeating it, but it’s relevant to an exchange today that was just another ‘straw’ amounting to one-to-many, and I broken. I lashed out today after she called my SO “Trash” and “Worthless”, when she’s anything but that to me, and a positive influence and light in my kids lives too.
I responded by called her an awful person, and made it clear that I was done engaging in any way, shape or form beyond topics related strictly to the kids, and only via voicemail. I blocked her texts and emails. Literally. I told her this and then set her contact to ‘block’. No further email or texts will come through, and calls go straight to voicemail.
I don’t like giving up having an easy way to coordinate on things like shared-expenses or custody changes, but because I simply can not continue to endure the passive-aggressive nature of thinly veiled digs, accusations and blame. I can’t open an email or text from her without fear of what’s going to be said. I get sick to my stomach when they arrive, feel relief when they’re innocuous, but added nausea when there’s a twisted jab thrown in.
This all coincides with the refrigerator at her house not working… again. The freezer was left open, again, causing the cooling to run non-stop until the vents froze up and blocked its ability to maintain a cool temperature. It’s happened about 6+ times in as many years, if not more. And this time around, I called it out that, unlike a ‘fixture’ of the house like a water heater, AC unit or furnaces, appliances like this are not ‘part of the house’ and not my shared responsibility. I don’t have a legal obligation to share in the costs of her maintaining her appliances any more than she does mine. It was purchased after buying the house, our divorce agreement included my signing off that all of the contents of the house that was not already removed as mine were hers alone, and after 6+ years of usage with me having moved out, it’s maintenance or replacement are on her, not me.
I’m sure this will not go over well. I’m sure I’ll be told that she’s not in a position to attend to it, financially. Which is why I sent, in parallel, a full accounting of all support payments, of her declared cost of living and monthly bills, and of all ancillary or additional financial contributions on my part, that put her in the position of having had an opportunity to stash away as much as $10,000 by now. Allowing for incidentals such as car repairs, tires, some medical needs, it’s reasonable to imaging that there’s been some chipping away at that amount, but I can’t imagine more than 20% at most. Leaving a substantial balance remaining.
I don’t know how she’ll respond to those two emails. I can’t know now, actually, as long as she remains blocked, any response will not get through. Unless a voicemail is left, the barricades are up. So it will be interesting to see how this plays out.
The word betrayal was used today regarding the relationship I’m now in. “Shacking up” was used, too, but that’s not what resonated. “Betrayal” did, though. And I had to think about it. I know where she’s coming from and what she bases it on. I realize that the circumstances of my new relationship are unique. Yet what defines betrayal? Is it bounded by the simple fact that I wanted out of what was an unhealthy relationship? Or that this other person did the same with her brother after 20 years of unhappiness? Or that the two of us ended up together?
If we’re both happier now than we were then, isn’t “Betrayal” simply about making the decision to seek happiness of our own over complacency or security for them? Meaning, getting out of a situation you’re unhappy in is a betrayal to the person wanting you to stay in it, regardless of how you feel or what you want. For their sake, over your own.
In response to “I’d like to see what you would have said about someone shacking up with your wife, if you’d ever cared about her” to which I replied “I did and do care about you, including knowing how dysfunctional our marriage was, what a bad example it set and how unhappy you were. I worked and work hard to manage being the sole support to this day, going above/beyond all reasonable measures. And if you found happiness, no matter who it was with, I’d be happy for you. I’d not put you or your partner down. I’d not be angry and bitter and build resentment on unfounded accusations and assumptions about your character or intention or actions. I’d want you to be happy.”
I meant that. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy. And I didn’t want this to be our fate. I wanted better, as I’ve also written about previously, and occasionally think is within reach. I had hoped we could find a way to peacefully co-exist and even set aside differences once or twice a year in order to take the kids to a birthday or graduation dinner. Something we just did a few weeks back, relatively successfully, but still with some moments of tensions based on how the kids acted towards her and towards me.
But for fuck’s sake, I can only take so many repeated prods and jabs before reading a point of breaking down and shutting down. In some ways I know I’m overreacting. I could continue to try and take yet another path, maybe point out my recognition of her concerns, but previous efforts seem to have fallen on deaf ears. I’ve answered all of these comments before, about my modeling to the kids, things said and not said, and yet it resurfaces again and again and again.
Maybe this is part of the healing process. Maybe it’s how two people work through their respective feelings and experiences. Maybe this will eventually allow all the issues to be worked out. That’s a lot of Maybe’s.
We’ll see how long this lasts, but right now, for my own sake and sanity, I just needed a break, so I blocked her. I don’t want any more guilt or blame or accusations or character attacks. As the person most dependent on my income you would think she’d do everything possible to make me happy, positive and productive, so I can be effective and engaged in my job, and continue happily contributing to supporting her and the kids.
I can’t continue constantly defending myself. I can’t be routinely forced back into a place of blame and ill-will. I need this to stop. For good. Theirs, hers and my own.
You can live a lie until you die
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside
- John Lennon