All I want from the year aheads falls easily into a single word. "Stability".
I know. I have it good. I have a good relationship filled with unparalleled support and acceptance. I have two wonderful kids who’ll never doubt that’s how I see them. I have family and friendships all poised for continued and increasing engagement and intimacy in the years ahead. I've remained employed through financially trying times. And I have a dog. Who can’t be happy when they have a dog?
I have a lot to be happy about. Yet, I don’t feel safe.
I feel like I’m riding a bike along a curb, right at that moment where you come so close to the edge that the direction you might fall is momentarily beyond your control. Yeah, it’s like that. It’s like Steven Wright quipped, “You know that moment you wake up feeling like you’re falling? I feel like that ALL THE TIME”.
It’s because I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I’m financially supporting one household 100% and another 66%. I don’t know what lies ahead for my career path and employment. My mom’s having health issue My car’s having engine iissues. And I seem to be randomly falling apart as well.
My hope for 2020 is to simply keep my head above water while paddling judiciously towards more shallow ground. I need to cautiously inch my way off of the rug I’m so anxiously anticipating having suddenly yanked from under me. If I can do that, If I can just work towards a place where I will have options other than just staying afloat, I’ll be able to line up with an move aggressively in the direction of where I want to go next.
I do have some goals and plans for the year ahead that, after spending 2019 focused on introspection, will fuel positive changes in a wide range across my life and that of others. I’ll write more about those when the time comes.