I tried to be mindful and calm myself, but I could not. I moved to the guest room to get out of the space I was in, and it seemed to help enough that I eventually fell asleep, albeit lightly and fragmented.
I woke up and fed the dogs at the usual time, then sat down to meditate just before Tommy woke. As he walked to the door I looked up to wish him a good day. Before I could, he scoffed, "Inspecting? "and walked out to his car to get something.
It caught me off guard. It might sound petty, but it's a cumulatively damaging behavior that threw me into a mental state of sadness. I could not possibly have any better intentions toward him, yet he seemed to respond sporadically from a place of disregard and negativity. As I sat trying to control the unexpected surge of emotions, the triggers of the years prior when this was a common, if not daily, occurrence, he came to hug me as I sat. Not as an apology or to undo the slight, but as a routine behavior that I would typically welcome, mindful that he'll eventually not be around.
I don't think he noticed or cared that his comment was unwarranted. I don't think he noticed or cared that I was upset. When he went to hug me, I told him, "Not now," and "I need to be left alone." His response was to say, "I didn't realize that being Zen meant being a fucking dick," and he walked away. He slammed the door as he left for work a minute or two later.
My prior references to the need for constant practice and perspective come down to being fully conscious enough in a situation such as this that I don't even break stride, blink or allow external forces to create internal turmoil. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was having spent time last night reflecting on his mom's death. Or the time I have been spending working with my mom on her limited timeline. Or about 16 other random situations, all being actively managed to the point of having much less of a buffer to manage more. To not allow a button to be pushed. To not allow myself to be triggered. To not allow anything to matter beyond my response.
I spent the past hour or two exploring and dissecting it all. Finding my balance again. Putting it into perspective and writing it all out here.
In hindsight, it seems silly and absurd. I know how ingrained and habitual my defensive nature can be. How easy it is to personalize something. And to second guess my role as playing a part in or being responsible for someone else's words, actions or intentions. None of this matters. There is no way it "should be" other than how it is. There is, however, how I would like it to be. Yet, being upset or taking it personally when it is not is where the ego creates imaginary drama.
Jen's onto something in this whole "vibrations" thing. What possible benefit might come from investing energy into negativity? For example, if the mulch results in gnats, that will be unfortunate and unexpected, but it can be managed. What other options do I have, lacking a time machine or crystal ball?