Lauren has been in my thoughts, mainly due to her having shared an intention to take a semester off. I fear the obvious: lost traction and a failure to return. It's brutally hard to balance allowing the independent right at 20 to choose your path while anticipating it may lead to a less-than-fulfilling life. I want her to see her potential so badly, yet she seems to carry forward influenced by doubts cast during her upbringing regarding her ability. I also want to trust her choices regarding the people she associates with, but I am cautious about not knowing them. Protective. This is hard. Parenting is hard. Adulting is hard. Being faced with so much uncertainty is an absolute; if you consider it, it's a reliable constant. The only certainty is that there is no such thing. It's easy to be caught up in everything that should be. Politics, equality, and human rights are all about ideals, subjectively and without agreement. None of it matters, including my own unique and relatively unreproducible worldview. I will continue to do my best to guide her with my own experience while reinforcing my unconditional support. That's the extent of my abilities. The day otherwise has been another productive one. Mark came by to talk about kitchen and bathroom remodel ideas. I need to make space in the garage ASAP so we can get all of the materials on hand in advance. It's a hard step to start spending money when we have limited funds. I am trying to trust that it will work out, but that's not my nature. This begs the question, shouldn't I trust my instincts? When I have, things fall into place. Seemingly.
